Bad Habit: Book One
by AmeryMarie
Summary: Bella has a bad habit. She's been secretly involved, and secretly in love, w/her friends brother for yrs. Will she ever admit her love or will misunderstandings, interfering friends & betrayal help her kick the habit? AH/OOC, MATURE
1. Preface

A/N: This is my first FanFic… ever. I hope you will like it.

I wanted to say thanks to my pal Serendipitydooda. Without her I would have **never **had the balls to post this, so please direct all complaints her way. Kidding! But, really… LOL!

Also, I want to pimp a few of my fave fics:

Something Wicked This Way Comes by Serendipitydooda  
A Work In Progress by Araeo.

They are both fucking hysterical.

**AH/AU, OOC, Mature**

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Preface  


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biting keeps your words at bay  
tending to the sores that stay  
happiness is just a gash away  
when i open a familiar scar  
pain goes shooting like a star  
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...

and you might say it's self-indulgent  
you might say its self-destructive  
but, you see, it's more productive  
than if i were to be healthy

- _Bad Habit_, The Dresden Dolls

~//~

I suddenly felt as if I were two parts of the same whole. Like I was outside of my body but at the same time still inside of myself firmly, _and quite actively too, I might say_, part of the forbidden moment so that I both watched and felt myself gasp his name loudly. Possibly much too loudly. I felt like Duke in Fear & Loathing, '…you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it…' Amen, Brother. A-fucking-men. "Edwaaaaaaard!"

I thought I heard footsteps coming, but couldn't be sure over the sounds of our assorted gasps, moans, cries, etc. and the sound of my own beating heart. Not that I could or would be bothered to care or to stop. _This whole situation is seriously fucked up. _The stray thought popped into my head and was conscientiously noted by both my watching self and my gasping self. _For the record, your honor, just in case this thing ever goes to trial… _

Surely there was a reckoning coming, there had to be. Excess is always punished and it was too much that I have what I had, _what I have,_ and yet still take what's not mine. _But he is all I want, all I ever wanted, really._ I think I always knew, deep down, that at some point I was going to have to pay for all of my sins, it was just too bad that two good men would be destroyed because of it, _because of me_. Not to mention the countless others who will be hurt by the shrapnel.

I know what the fallout from this situation will bring and the sad thing is that I can't find it in me to regret any of it. Sure, if I had it to do over again I would probably take a different route; maybe not have allowed the path to turn into a slippery slope that I, _we,_ unintentionally tumbled down, but I would never undo those moments or take back the words.

This situation… I let the thought trail off in my head as I lose myself in his demanding kisses, become carried away by his rough touches, and then he is inside of me and I am lost in the ecstasy and the pure bliss that only he brings me. But, what goes up must come down and as I plummet back to earth the world as I know it cracks and splinters.

Suddenly it's as if I am viewing everything from behind the lens of a camera and everything happens one frame, one shot, at a time…

_flash_

…the door opens…

_Flash_

…a tall figure enters…

_flash_

"Bell…?"

_flash_

…a shorter figure beside him…

_flash_

"Edwa-a-r-d…"

_Flash_

…too late to hide…

_Flash_

…caught…

_flash_

…the world tilts on its axis…

_flash_

…horrified faces…

Time to pay the piper_… ha, ha! The piper. I am paying for the pipe, actually! _Unconsciousness claims me; I slip away and find myself set adrift on a sea of memories as I try desperately to figure out where it all went so very wrong.

~//~


	2. Chapter 1 The Beginning is the End is

**Discliamer- **S. Meyer owns all things twilight, but the original stuff is mine.

**A/N:** Much love to my girl Serendipitydooda. Check out her Fic, Something Wicked This Way Comes.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

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Chapter 1- The Beginning is the End is the Beginning  


* * *

  
**

Send a heartbeat to  
The void that cries through you  
Relive the pictures that have come to pass  
For now we stand alone  
The world is lost and blown  
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate  
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are?  
Have the people changed?  
Does it make you happy you're so strange?  
And in your darkest hour  
I hold secrets flame  
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

-The Beginning is the End is the Beginning, The Smashing Pumpkins

~//~

Our camaraderie began in high school and continued on through college with all of us attending The University of Washington. We were all the same age and started at the U at the same time, but as a Running Start student Edward had completed his first two years of college while finishing his last two years of high school allowing him to start as a junior while the rest of us started as freshman. When the rest of us finally graduated with our various four year degrees last May, Edward was just completing his second year of medical school

It was now September and this would be the first time in months that the old gang had gotten together in what was supposed to be its entirety since graduation, but we were unexpectedly missing one. *_coughedwardcough* _ The leaves were beginning to change color, but we were trying to ignore it for just a few more days so that we could bask in the here and now.

We knew that any day now the air would turn crisp signaling the end of our last summer of freedom before starting our lives as official grown-ups and we wanted to enjoy the dog days summer. Most of us would be starting the careers they had gone to school for, while a couple of us would be postponing that step off for a little longer in favor of graduate or medical school.

But either way, for all of us, it was the end of an era filled with winter, spring and summer breaks, parentally provided housing and disposable romance…, _at least for some of us. _Instead we would have air conditioning and heating seasons, mortgages, committed relationships and families to start. If high school graduation is supposed to be your 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' moment, which, even aside from the obvious, is still total bullshit, then college graduation is your 'go west, young man' one… only this one isn't bullshit. _You are wearing the big boy pants now. _

We had decided to take a long weekend- Thursday through Sunday- to meet up for one last 'Hurrah!' at the place where most of our former debaucheries had taken place, where _we _became _us _– at The Cullen's house. We had all promised to be to there by noon today but, for some reason, Edward hadn't shown up. That meant it was just Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett, and myself hanging out and visiting our old haunts… _together… all day_… in our hometown of Forks, WA.

As the day wore on, and I slowly gave up hope that Edward would show so that I wasn't alone on Singles Island surrounded by Coupledom Sea, I felt two things- guilt for depriving his family and our friends of his presence and sorry for myself for… so many reasons really…

For the feelings of inadequacy that hanging out with my coupled up best mates caused in me; feelings that Edward usually helped stave off, and not for the dirty reasons that that seems to imply... _Well, not entirely._

For not knowing where we stood after the words that were said and the things that had taken place during our last run in. Although him not showing up today was confirming my suspicions that things weren't good. Which made me feel lonelier than ever.

For allowing things to get so fucked up between the two of us. Which made me feel sorrier for myself.

I was on a downward spiral of pity that was spiraling faster and faster as the day wore on. I became melancholic, contemplative but it was hidden inside, just a dull ache in the pit of my stomach that was easy to ignore, mostly. My depression would have to wait to settle over me. This was a weekend for celebrating what we had accomplished so far and to toast our futures and the happiness we were sure it would bring.

As the stars began to appear in the warm September sky we found ourselves soaking in the hot tub in the backyard laughing while reminiscing about our shared pasts and discussing the future, especially the parts of the future that concerned wedding plans. Not mine, of course.

Rosalie and Emmett had recently announced their engagement and we all expected AliJazz… _what, I am a little lazy sometimes so I gave the nicknamed the glimmer twins… _to announce theirs any day. EmmElie… _okay, its not laziness but this thing I have with coining couples' names_… had already set a date, just over a year and a half from now as she wanted a cherry blossomy spring wedding, and even had the bridal party all lined up. Edward would be Emmett's Best Man and Jazz his only groomsmen, while I would be Rose's Maid of Honor with Alice her only bridesmaid.

Alice seemed more excited about the wedding than Rosalie which, knowing Alice wasn't surprising. Still, I secretly suspected that Alice's excitement was stemming from more than just her normal conviviality combined with her delight over her brother marrying one of her closest friends. Something more like her excitement about using EmmElie's wedding as a practice run for hers, not that Alice would treat it like a practice run, but as good as Alice is there are bound to be things that won't be just right and Alice would want to know the pitfalls before planning her big day.

Despite how insincere that sounds, the girl doesn't have a disingenuous bone in her body; she would do it with the purest of intentions. The trial run would just be the icing on the cake. Alice is kind of gung-ho, Nazi, super-maya-maya -control-freak about things… well, about everything in life to be honest because, '…if it's worth doing, it's worth doing all the way, balls to wall', her words, not mine.

Being the little fashion ninja that she is and knowing that Rose loved the movie _27 Dresses… bleh… _Rose had already been informed of what would happen, and where her body would be buried, if she even thought of putting us in fugly dresses. From the look on her face, I think Rose may have taken her seriously; I am pretty sure Al was serious about the threat, too.

I was grateful to Alice for it, though. You could trust anything Alice picked out or planned to be flawlessly perfect, and even though Rose was a great friend, everyone has their flaws. Even though she was one of the most self confidence shrinking beauties I had ever seen, her need to be the center of attention sometimes led her to picking out clothes for others that were less than flattering. Vanity, that's Roses' favorite sin and her only flaw, at least, the only one I could ever find.

I have to admit that I expected Rose to ask Alice, not me, to be the Maid of Honor because they had been friends longer than Rose and I and also because Jasper was Rose's brother. Plus, a lot of work and responsibilities come with the title and Alice seemed like the natural choice for more than just the obvious reasons. I would be busy with my last quarter of grad school by the time the wedding rolled around and I didn't know how much time I would to focus on wedding details.

I told them all of this but was assured that it wouldn't be an issue and then blown off with another, 'Don't be absurd, Bella!' I rolled my eyes. I have heard that so often from my friends over the years that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. It does shut me up though; I know that it's useless to argue. And that time was no different. Rose and Alice promptly informed me Alice would happily handle anything I did not have time for.

I only had to show up for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner, various fittings and arrive dressed, powdered, coiffed and on time on the big day. In reality, I knew that only the latter two were actual requirements, not that I would miss the others.

Eventually, even Alice and Rosalie grew tired with the wedding topic so the topic shifted to our high school days. The alcohol was flowing freely at this point and I think everyone else was starting to feel the loss of Edward as much as I was because, as they talked of our 'Glory Days', his name began coming up more frequently.

I shook my head, focused again on my friends, who were still talking and laughing of memories past_… Come, Wendy…_ and then rejoined the conversation just as Alice mentioned something about The Lord of the Flies. _Wait! What, Alice read something besides Vogue? Focus, Bella. Don't lose your opening… _"Speaking of the Devil, where is Edward at this weekend?"

"He had to work at the hospital tonight so he won't be joining us until tomorrow sometime. Now that he is about to start his third year of medical school they have been giving him more hours. He wasn't supposed to be working today, but he said that he didn't feel like he could say no to it," Alice answered. "I thought you guys hung out. Didn't he tell you?"

"Nope." I popped the 'p' because drinking and being around Alice turns me into an annoying 'p' popper. "And we haven't really spoken since graduation. I am sure he has been busy."

It was partially true. We hadn't really spoken. We had, however, bumped into each other at an off campus bar a couple of times. The first time we had gone back to my place to have hot, sweaty, monkey sex _all_ night long and the last time we ended up having disastrous sex in the bathroom of said bar while I was on a date with the son of one of Charlie's friends. That had been two months ago and I hadn't seen him since.

Emmett suddenly felt the need to speak, which he really shouldn't do because he just sounds stupid when he does. _Or unknowingly breaks my heart._ "Yeah! Busy bangin' hot chicks. I saw him a couple weeks ago at the pub getting pretty hot and heavy with that Tanya chick. You know, strawberry blond and…" Emmett's eyes got big as he held his hands away from his chest "…huge assets."

Rosalie and Alice looked at each other and then furtively glanced at me as Rosalie smacked him in the back of his head. I pretended not to notice as I kept a pleasant look on my face. "I think I met her once. She seemed…" _she was a raging bitch _"… nice. I thought she was just his study partner though. I didn't know they were seeing each other."

Emmett and Jasper both chuckled, and then Emmett had to go and open his big mouth again. "They haven't been just study partners since their second month of med school. I think he's even brought her home for the weekend to meet Mom and Dad a few times."

"Oh?" I said, feigning disinterest. _Two years? Two fucking years? _

Inside I was raging, my thoughts and emotions were in utter turmoil as I repeated his words in my head. How many times had Edward and I been together over the past two years? I couldn't remember. It took every ounce of control that I had to keep my face from betraying me as I wrapped my mind around the revelation. Thank God… _or not…_ for Jasper Whitlock. The man was uncannily intuitive to the moods of the people around him. He looked at me letting me know I wasn't off the hook and then steered the conversation away from TanWard.

Even using all of his considerable skill, Jasper wasn't able to get the conversation off of Edward entirely, but at least they were no longer discussing _her._ I sat there for a while longer, pretending to be involved, but secrets still hoping that the topic of Edward… _possibly Edward himself_… would die. By the time 'Remember when Edward….' and 'This one time (with) Edward…' became the most frequent start to a story, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to excuse myself.

"It's late guys." I stood up and climbed out of the tub, giggling when I stumbled. The combination of the heat, the alcohol and the memories had gone to my head making me a bit dizzy and the Tanya revelation had unbalanced me even further. "I… te, he, he… have had a bit too much to drink and a bit too much hot water. I am going to go for a walk to cool down and then call it a night."

General grumbling over my announcement erupted from the four people in the hot tub, but they relented. Our 'goodnights' said, I got out and slipped on my Chuck's and a robe. I gave Al another kiss on the top of her head and as I started to turn and make my way across the back yard to the old trail, she gave me a small smile and knowing look. I wasn't sure if she knew the real reason for my sudden melancholy and subsequent departure; no one else seemed aware. Alice being Alice, it wouldn't surprise me at all if she knew it was her brother that drove me away. _More specifically, it was a situation between her brother and me that was sending me into the woods._

To lighten everyones mood, and hopefully keep Alice off of my trail, I gave them a mischievous smile and called out, "No orgies, now. Esme and Carlisle are asleep inside and I won't hesitate to tattle. 'Cause if _I'm_ not getting _any_, the four of you sure as hell aren't going to be getting any kinky four-way action."

I laughed at the raucous outburst that boomed from the tub and heard Emmett shout out something, no doubt lewd, that I couldn't and wouldn't decipher. Tossing a 'See ya'all in the morning!' over my shoulder, I continued across the grass to a little trail that started at the edge of the yard.

As I walked down the well worn and familiar path I was assaulted with the memories of how I had made it to where I was in my life at this moment. As a general rule I tried to never look back on things and overanalyze shit, but I knew I would have to if I expected to get out of and survive this situation I had somehow… _willingly_… gotten myself into.

As much as I hated to do it, I was going to take a trip down memory lane… starting from the beginning. Maybe I could figure out exactly when and why I had fallen in love with Edward Cullen, and, if I succeeded in that task, I hoped I could then figure out some way to fall out of love with him. _False hope, but hope nonetheless._

This _situation_ had started years earlier when I was 17 and just moved to Forks, Washington from Phoenix, Arizona. It's the same old story that you've probably heard a thousand times… Girl is forced by vapid, self-absorbed mother to move from a bright, warm Mecca to live in a cold, dreary and _**wet**_ oubliette with her emotionally distant father.

After a rough, awkward start girl makes a group of new friends, starts clandestine, sex-only relationship (it's a loose definition of the word) with the brother of her new self-declared best friend, and time passes. They all graduate and go off to college where everyone, well, most everyone, pairs up and grows up before starting their lives. Secret trysts with bf's brother continue until boy gets engaged and girl runs away. Yada, yada, yada… Okay, it's not the usual story, but it's my story and I should probably start at the beginning.

Well, the beginning before the end of the beginning actually.

~//~

My parents, Charlie and Renee, met in Seattle when he attended police academy. They were 20 and 18 respectively and as different as night and day. Charlie was a disciplined, responsible planner who dreamed of getting a job at the police station in his hometown of Forks, buying a house and settling down to raise a family. My hippie mother just dreamed. Charlie fell in love with Renee immediately while she just immediately fell into his bed which is how myself and the marriage came to be, in exactly that order. In the end, it was their differences that drove them apart. Although, Renee fucking some pilot from Port Angeles didn't help.

When I was three Renee packed our bags, only taking me because of her inability to be alone and go-getter Charlie's erratic and long hours at the station, and hit the road in search of sunnier pastures. I would say greener pastures but, seeing as we bounced around the deserts of Arizona, California and New Mexico with an occasional layover at a beach somewhere, it wasn't really true.

Charlie continued to follow the plan he made for his life, but with a few alterations. He no longer had the wife and the child lived several hundred miles away… except for the two weeks each summer when Renee would send me to Forks and then, when I was older, to California and he got to spend time with me. Charlie never got over Renee. Renee not only got over him, she got under… _and on top of, and beside of, ad infinitum, ad naseum… _as many men… _and women…_ as she could. The things I walked in over the years… _cringe_.

Renee dragged me all around the Southwest, changing towns as she changed boyfriends. We never had a home, Renee always said that she was my home and the only one I would ever need. I think she stole that line from a movie. I never really learned how to settle into a place properly or relax in my surroundings. I was constantly on edge waiting for the day when I would come home from school to Renee handing me a large garbage bag with orders to only take what would fit inside.

A fifty gallon trash bag may hold a lot of leaves but it is a very small place to fit a life. You could track our movements by following the articles of clothing I left behind at each stop so that I could fit just one more treasured novel inside. The books were not only my escape, they were my only constant, the only thing that made me feel like I existed even if it was vicariously through fictional character, because in real life I was ephemeral, a ghost, never really there.

I had had a better understanding of how fleeting life is at six years old, than most people do at sixty. I knew that moving on wasn't an 'if', a possibility; it was 'when', a definite, so I never made friends or went on dates or got too attached to anyone or anything. I don't think I actually knew a single phone number besides Charlie's and 911, which doesn't count, until I moved to Forks.

I just tried to blend in with the furniture and hid behind my books and/or studies; with my looks it was easily done. Not ugly, not beautiful, just averagely boring- brown hair with eyes to match and pale skin despite the near constant sun. I was a good student, with good grades and I answered questions when asked, but I didn't raise my hand in class, didn't volunteer anything or give an opinion unprompted. I had my own opinions of course, I just kept them to myself unless required otherwise. I turned dodging a question into an art form.

For 50 weeks a year, for roughly 11 years, this was the pattern of my life. Until Phoenix. That was when everything started to change.

We moved to Phoenix right after Renee's mother passed away and shortly before I started my freshman year of high school. Being an only child, Renee inherited a substantial amount of money and for the first time in her adult life she not only had a bank account but could stand on her own financially. Renee liked the image of the phoenix rising from the sun and said that the city of Phoenix, with its metaphor implying name, was going to be her rebirth, her chance to start over again.

So, for the first time ever there wasn't a man… _whether he knew it or not…_ waiting for her and she turned into this person that had fresh baked cookies… _however questionable tasting…_ waiting for me after school, and set the _table_ for mealtimes. She actually decorated our little apartment and even forced me to go shopping for clothes and to pick out bedroom furnishings because, according to her, "A girl should have a pretty room and wear pretty things!"

I didn't know what to make of the new Renee. She was behaving so… her age and almost, dare I say it, mother-like. It was like a switch had flipped and she went from this go-wherever-the-wind-takes-me, self-centered, tra-la-la-la person that I had to take care of to almost the complete opposite thing. I still had to take care of her, Renee was still essentially Renee, flighty and forgetful, after all. But it was easier than before; less burdensome on me.

After Phoenix, I no longer had to carry her emotionally, I just had to do all the little things that Renee tended to forget like making sure that the bills were paid on-time, that we had groceries and other necessities in the house, and I still did as much of the cooking as possible but only because I liked to eat edible food. I had to learn to cook early in life since Renee was an unpredictable cook at best and downright dangerous at worst.

Renee actually took an interest in me for once and she seemed so sincere in her attentions that I actually believed that it wasn't an act or one of her 'mommy' phases that she would periodically and briefly go through. It was obvious Renee didn't know me very well and she could sometimes respond childishly when things didn't turn out like she wanted, but overall it was a vast improvement.

With Renee's encouragement, and a lot of trepidation, I struck up a few tentative friendships and had even started dating some.

"You need to put yourself out there a little more, Bells. You could try…"

A little wrinkle formed between her brows as she brought the tip of her index finger to rest against her pursed lips and looked blankly at the floor contemplating.

She absentmindedly tapped her finger against her lips while, I assumed, running through a list of activities that she remembered from her schooldays. She started to speak a time or two only to shake her head and frown slightly while I scowled at her from behind my book.

She brightened and you could literally see the God damn light bulb turn on above her head as she suddenly lifted her chin and clenched her hands together in front of her chest in delight before practically squealing, "Ooooh! You could try out for cheerleading!"

"Hah!" I scoffed while gazing at her in wonderment. I shook my head and muttered, "Apparently you like spending time in the ER."

Renee just stood there staring at me like I had kicked her puppy as I buried my face behind my book and resumed reading. While this effectively removed her from my line of sight, I was still aware of her hovering, oppressive presence.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I peeked up at Renee, in all her cross-armed annoyance, from behind my book. "You know that I can barely walk barefoot across a wood floor without tripping and you thought cheerleading was a good choice of activity for me to participate in?"

She looked away towards the kitchen like she was about to walk off, so I again returned my attention to my book only to have Renee rudely pull me away from it yet again. She was sneering at me as she glanced distastefully between me and my book.

"I suppose you could always just join a-a-a book club." The last part was spat at me and then she stalked off towards the kitchen with her arms still crossed at her chest.

_Renee acting like a child again._ I groaned internally and followed her into the kitchen. _Time to go soothe Renee by conceding to her wishes… at least slightly. _I had no wish to spend time in the E.R. just because she wanted me to be a cheerleader. Luckily she was easily appeased when I told her I was going to be working on the school newspaper. Now I just needed to get a position with the school newspaper. At least it wasn't cheerleading or pep club.

Occurrences like that were all too common in the beginning. Renee would draw the battle lines, stand her ground and we would go, sometimes for weeks, without talking until I caved and let the baby have her bottle. I never fully gave her what she wanted of me, but it bothered me that she never conceded any part of herself no matter what I did or how long I held out. Deep down I knew that I was Renee's rug, but I managed to convince myself that because I never gave her exactly what she wanted, neither of us truly won.

Some people might call that compromising, but it somehow never felt like that to me. It felt like a lot of things- choosing the lesser of two evils, being stuck between a rock and a hard place, being chipped away at, but never compromise because, no matter what, I was the one who had to do all of the giving, make all of the allowances while Renee just took. Still, if this is what I had to deal with in exchange for no longer being a nomad, I would do it gladly. I thought I could deal with it when I was in therapy later on in life.

It took some time but by the end of my sophomore year we were becoming comfortable with being a part of each others lives and were finally finding a routine; things were actually starting to get good. I was still waiting for the day when I would come home to Renee and her trash bags, but the feeling was fading. I finally had a few friends and, after two years and a handful of awkward first dates, I had started dating a nice guy. It was no surprise then, that I was happier than I had ever been when I went to visit my father that summer.

My two weeks with Charlie seemed to drag on like a prison sentence that year and I was literally bouncing in my seat as we drove to the airport. I barely managed to give Charlie a hug and a peck on the cheek before I was grabbing my bag and running to the gate where I waited impatiently for my flight. I was thrilled when I returned to Phoenix that year; I couldn't believe that I finally had someplace I felt I could call home.

And then Renee developed a sudden and passionate interest in baseball.

No one knew Renee better than me and had I been paying any attention I would have known that it was the beginning of the end… _Renee hated sports of any kind feverishly…_ but I was too swept up in salvaging the few remaining years of my adolescence to give it the proper consideration that it warranted. Even so, I should have seen it coming. All the signs were there- the inattentiveness, the distance, the daydreaming.

The physical signals that Renee was in heat, changing her hair and wardrobe, and doing her make-up differently, happened too slowly over the course of the summer to raise any flags. Once my junior year began I was so busy trying to keep up with my homework amidst all of my article assignments for the school paper that I didn't even notice how frequently she was attending minor league baseball games. I also failed to notice the constant primping and 'How do I look?'s beforehand.

As Renee started going out with 'friends' more frequently she started arriving home later and later until eventually she wasn't returning home until I was walking out the door for school, if she returned at all. I progressively began to see Renee less as the months passed and one day at the end of April I suddenly realized that I had not seen her in over a week.

She brought him home for dinner not long after that. It was in May less than a month before the start of summer and my annual pilgrimage. Pencil-Dick, or Phil as she liked to call him, was a ballplayer, strictly minor league of course, and they had been seeing each other for a shocking amount of time. Apparently since the World Series six months prior.

Pencil-Dick started hanging around constantly so I made it a point to hang around less and less. He seemed nice enough, but I was inclined to not like him for a variety of reasons. He was much too young for Renee, not that I could blame him for that as it was hardly his fault he was young enough to be Renee's son. I knew that I should blame her, but blame him I did. He was constantly pawing at her… in front of me, not that they noticed me much, but still, get a fucking room. _He, he! A fucking room. Exactly my point, a room for fucking that I am not in._

My biggest issue with him was the sex. They had the loudest sex. Ever. It was ridiculously loud and there was no way that it was that good. In fact, I couldn't believe that anyone, anywhere had ever had sex good enough to necessitate that level of noise. I was permanently red-faced and couldn't look either of them in the eyes after hearing the things they screamed out mid-coitus.

It was so bad that I eventually started sneaking out at night to avoid hearing them go at it. I always returned in the morning so Renee didn't find out, but I honestly don't think she would have notice or cared if she did. Renee never noticed anything when she had a man… except another man.

When Phil walked through our door for dinner that first night he brought all of the fears and insecurities that I thought I had buried, right back to the surface. If this house of cards that Renee built was going to come crashing down on me then fuck it. That's when I started to spin out of control. I neglected my schoolwork, well, what little we were assigned during the last month of school. I ditched my goody-two-shoes friends and the boyfriend that came with them for an edgier crowd that, not only supported, but encouraged my downward spiral. They were right there cheering me on as I began drinking, experimenting with drugs and sleeping around.

By the rime I was scheduled to leave for California on June 6th, I was pretty much only at Renee's for an hour a day. Long enough to walk through the front door at night, go straight to my room and then right back out via the window. In the morning the pattern reversed except for tossing in a shower and putting on clean clothes before heading off to school. Since school only took up so much of the day, when I bothered going at all, the remaining hours were spent partying and getting laid.

Most nights I crashed with one of my enablers or whatever guy I happened to be banging for the night, but on the few occasions that I found myself without option A or B, I crashed in the park around the corner from Renee's apartment. I slept in the top level of the largest Big-Toy next to the entrance of the tube slide because it was the safest spot I could find. It was virtually enclosed on all four sides, so it was almost like I was a princess locked in a tower or castle turret awaiting her prince to save her. That comparison always made me snort. I was no Cinder-fucking-bella and I knew that there was no prince.

I would have preferred to skip my Charlie trip to stay with my friends because I knew I wouldn't have them much longer, but my guilty conscience wouldn't let me… so, I went.

My time with Charlie had always been awkward, and that awkwardness only grew more pronounced each year following the one when I was twelve and had refused to visit unless we could leave Forks. The look on his face when I repeated the words my mother had said the day she left him, nearly made my twelve year old self take back the ultimatum… nearly. I had been so tired of the boredom and monotony of our visits in Forks while all around me kids were going to Disney World or on cruises or to water parks; I wanted to be and to feel a little bit more like the shiny, happy people even if it was only for two weeks and no one would ever know.

Charlie forgave me for my vicious words right away and starting the next year he complied with my wishes and took me to the northern California coast. His complaisance made me feel even worse; I was truly Renee's daughter at that moment, only thinking me, me, me. Every time I arrived at the timeshare that Charlie would borrow from one of his deputies, I felt a fresh wave of guilt wash over me. I was… _am still_… so ashamed of and appalled by my poor behavior and selfishness. I tried to make it up to him by cooking and not being a pain in the ass but to me it never felt like enough.

Despite my reluctance about going, the time away was good for me. It gave me time to get my head figured out and allowed my body to flush out all of the shit I had been putting into it. Sometime during my two weeks with Charlie I realized that I was living life in reaction to Renee and it needed to stop. I only had one more year until I was out from under her thumb and could then be master o'er myself. I needed to get my shit together and lose the new friends or I was going to end up just like Renee. All too soon my two weeks reprieve from my real life was over.

I hated, yet at the same time, couldn't wait to leave Charlie that year. When I got back to Phoenix, I was back on track and pretty confident that I could deal with Renee's stupid decision making. I was expecting the worst, and thought that I was prepared for anything. I found myself off kilter and unable to balance when I arrived home to find that nothing had changed nor showed any signs of changing in the near future.

Phil was still practically living at the apartment with Renee when he wasn't on the road for games. Renee's checking and savings accounts were still open and balances were the same as they were before I left. When I didn't find anything amiss I told myself that maybe this is just another new leaf being turned over by the new Renee. I forced myself to settle back in and move on with life. I found a summer job so that I could start saving for college, sat for my SAT's and started researching what schools I wanted to apply to. Luckily my screwing around in May wouldn't cause me problems with getting into college and it had hardly any affect on my GPA.

I was becoming hopeful about my future. Phil seemed to be good for Renee and she finally seemed to be settling down. I couldn't actually remember seeing her happier with a guy and she certainly seemed to miss him when he was on the road. She even flew out to see him a few times, but Phoenix, our neighborhood especially, was experiencing a rise in violent crime and Phil didn't feel it was safe to leave me alone overnight. Renee reluctantly agreed. I wondered it they would still worry if they knew that I had recently been spending random nights alone in a park and managed to survive.

I had been back in Phoenix for a month and a half when I came home from my job slinging cappuccinos at a nearby coffee shop to find my mother and her boy toy, who happened to be town for the next two or three day for a series of home games. They were perched on the couch holding hands while staring at the recliner that had been moved to sit directly in front of the television so that it faced the couch. I knew the puzzlement on my face was easily readable.

Renee gestured towards the recliner. "Bella have a seat, honey. We need to talk to you."

The recliners positioning made me feel like I was facing the firing squad. My first thought was, 'Oh, shit. She found out about the sneaking out.' Followed by the list, which was quite long at this point, of other things she might want to 'talk to me' about- me being on birth control, losing my virginity, experimenting with drugs, the parking tickets in her car and the sex. Although, if she wanted to bring up the sex topic, I had a few complaints of my own to make. _You don't want to go there Renee._ There were many more things I had done that Renee could want to discuss with me, but those were the worst ones I could think of.

But what the hell was Phil… _I had decided to give the guy a break and lose the nicknames since he wasn't a total douche bag_… doing there. Sure, I didn't despise him anymore, but playing house with Renee didn't automatically make him my father and, unless he was my father, he had no business being there. I was pretty sure that he wasn't my father since I had just seen him in Cali and Pencil-di… Phil looked nothing like him and, therefore, really should have been going bye, bye now. Of course I didn't say any of that out loud. It was best to keep Renee happy before a discussion.

"O- ok-kay," I stuttered. I dropped my bag by the front door and walked over to stand in front of the recliner.

"Have a seat, Bella." My chin came up defiantly at the sharpness of her tone.

"I'd rather stand, thanks." My knees were weak and my legs felt like jelly, but I wanted to stand. I felt stronger if I was standing.

Renee looked at Phil. Phil looked at Renee. They turned towards one another and clasped each others hands while staring into each others eyes for one beat. Renee nodded her head almost imperceptibly in answer to the question in Phil's eyes. As they turned back to me, I finally noticed that they didn't look angry, they looked ecstatic. Renee was positively glowing and Pencil-dick, the name was back until I knew what was going on… _possibly longer_… looked like the cat that ate the canary with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

I braced myself as Phil spoke…

"Bella…"

"It's Isabella," I interrupted. I crossed my arms over my chest and ignored the daggers Renee shot at me while I scowled at the two of them. She bumped her shoulder into his side and squeezed his hand, urging him to continue.

He quickly glanced at Renee, who offered him a small smile, cleared his throat and continued. "Isabella. I really love your mother…" I had to keep myself from retching as they stole sickeningly sweet sidelong glances "…and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life making her happy. I asked her to marry me and she said yes."

Phil looked triumphant and Renee's face was overcome by a mega-watt smile that I had never seen before. She thrust her left hand towards me doing that 'look at my rock' thing that girls do where their thumb crosses their palm to push up on the bottom of their ring-finger so that it juts out and puts their ring on display. It seemed a little like sticking your pinkie out while taking a drink of something; a little ridiculous and pretentious. They had made their big announcement without me freaking out, but the tension in the room seemed to increase… there was more. I was getting nervous.

"Ooookay. Congrats! Sooooo, when's the big day?" I couldn't look at either of them any more so I looked at the floor as I offered my less than heart felt congratulations. My voice sounded tinny and hollow to my ears.

"Ummm, it's in three days. We want to get married before he has to go back on the road for the next stretch of away games." Renee sounded distracted and Phil was giving her a strange look. She paused briefly and then returned her attention back to me before she continued. "There is more, Sweetie," she said gently, softly.

_You don't say? _My eyes snapped from the floor to Renee's. She seemed tentative all of a sudden and reminded me of a doctor trying to delicately deliver the news that a loved one was dead. Beside her Phil tensed. I was holding my breath waiting for Renee to continue when I had a moment of startling clarity.

All the small details of the room, that I had pushed to the back of my mind when I was accosted as soon as I walked in the door, came into hard focus; the clean-angled brown shadow now shined like a beacon from the middle of the stark whiteness of the wall leading to the hallway, a clear tower now protruded like the Tower of Babel from the counter that separated the kitchen from the dining room.

My subconscious had taken inventory of the room as soon as I had entered, analyzed the acquired data and was finally sending the information to the conscious part of my brain, thereby allowing words to be attached to the images- a stack of flattened boxes leaned against the wall and a six rolls of clear packing tape stacked and shrink wrapped together.

"We're moving?" I felt lightheaded and wobbly and couldn't understand how my own voice could sound so far away.

"Not exactly, Bells. Being apart is just so hard on a newlywed couple, so I am going to go on the road with Phil and you are going to go live in Forks with Charrrrrr….."

His name kind of trailed off. Everything had gone dark and I had the sensation that I was falling. When I came to 15 minutes later, I was lying back on something soft and felt a wet pressure on my forehead. _Please don't let it be blood, please don't let it be blood, _I chanted as I took a delicate sniff. Not detecting the distinct salty copper smell, I struggled to open my eyes and sit up but was held down by two long fingered and strong hands.

"Shhhhh, Bells. It's okay, you just fainted or something." Everything came flooding back the second I heard Renee's voice- the boxes, the engagement, shipping me off to Charlie's. There were no tears, only anger, shock, disbelief and, to be honest, a little awe; Renee's selfishness had never surprised me, I was raised to expect it, but she was revealing an astoundingly new capacity for it that was truly impressive.

"Let. Go. Of me!" She released me and I got up. "Why? Hmmh? Why now, _Mother_? I only have a year left before college. Are you so eager to get rid of me that that's not soon enough?"

I was slapping her hands away and trying to put some distance between us. Beaten back by my slaps and unsure what to do, Renee kept trying to close the distance, her hands fluttering in front of her in what looked like some awkward and misplaced attempt to provide comfort.

"Bella, don't be that way. I don't want to be forced to stay here with you while Phil is on the road and I don't want yo… it just wouldn't be possible for you to finish school if you were traveling all of the time. Don't be so selfish, honey. Phil and I are just starting out and we need a chance to really make a go of it."

My jaw hit the floor. _Don't be so selfish… Don't be so selfish…_ "Oh, that's rich Renee. Me, _selfish_! Reee-eally? You are really going to call me selfish?" I saw her wince at the venom in my words, but it did nothing to stop their flow. I was shouting now. "All of these years you have dragged me behind you like little a ragdoll, moving ever time the impulse struck you or you found a new dick to entertain yourself with.

"You _never_ let me get comfortable or have any sense of stability or any semblance of a life of my own and _now_, now that my feet have finally found some purchase on solid ground you are once again pulling the rug out from underneath me because you don't want me to hold you back and fuck up your latest fling. Well, you know what Renee? _Fuck you_**!** Just go fuck yourself!"

Renee was looking at me like I was an unreasonable child throwing a temper tantrum, bored, disinterested and just a touch embarrassed. She rolled her eyes and then looked at her watch before she asked, "Are you done with the histrionics yet?"

"Nearly," I snapped. "If you ever loved me, if you ever wanted to be my mother, you will make a choice right now. Who's it gonna be, Renee? Him or me?"

"Bella, honey, you can't ask me to choose between…"

"Him? Or. Me?"

Renee's attempts to make me out to be the bad guy stopped and she got angry. "Can't you just let me be happy?"

"You want _me_ to let _you _be happy. I have let you be happy. For seventeen god damn years, Renee, I have let you be happy. You have never, not once, let me be happy. You have never once considered how some decision of yours would affect me but I never pouted or made you feel bad. It looks like you've made your decision. Just don't think for one second that you are getting through this guilt-free. Not gonna happen. I won't make this easy on you.

"When…?"

"The day after tomorrow."

_The day after tomorrow, but the wedding… that meant… she didn't… want me…? there…?_ Renee and I had our issues and, more often than not, I felt like I was the mother rather than the daughter, but I still loved her fiercely. We had always been all the other one had, which was entirely her fault, but despite all of that, she was my best friend… _or maybe I suffered from Stockholm syndrome_.

As I struggled to wrap my mind around the concept that I wasn't wanted, the long dormant cold hearted bitch inside of me took charge. This time the shard of my heart that splintered away because of her was the part that she occupied. I was done being hurt by Renee. Once I made a decision, I stuck to it; it was my way. So, decision made, I took action.

"I saw boxes. Does that mean I get to take more than the usual trash bag full of stuff?"

"Yes."

"I guess I should start packing then." Renee made like she was going to help me. "Get out. You've done quite enough already."

She gave me one last lingering look and I thought I heard her whisper 'Sorry' before she walked out and softly closed the door. I only allowed two tears to trickle down my face before I firmed up my resolve, pushed down the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm me and got to work.

36 hours, 6 boxes (mostly books), 3 rolls of tape, 2 suitcases and one carry-on bag later and I was packed; any remaining traces of me would be sent to the Goodwill. I didn't look back as we drove away from the place that had been my home for the past three years. My flighty mother had lost her keys, again, making us late to the airport… _as usual…_ so it was with disappointment… _on her part…_ that she dropped me off at the curb rather than escort me to the gate.

_Huh? What was with the loving mother routine? She hadn't gone to the gate with me since I was 13 years old, and I knew she wasn't trying to squeeze a few minutes more time with me. After all, she was the one sending me away so that she could start her new life._ I assumed instead, that she was trying to assure that I boarded the plane and didn't show back up like a human 'The Cat Came Back' and spoil her new life.

I allowed her to hug me goodbye at the curb because she initiated it and it would have taken too much energy to pull away from her. I grabbed my bags containing the few things I would need until the boxes containing the rest of my stuff arrived and, with the traffic drowning out her false words of love and goodbye before they were completely silenced by the automatic doors of the airport terminal, I ran to the security checkpoint of the Phoenix airport… and I didn't look back.

~//~

I was pulled me back from my memories by my mind demanding that I make a decision as I came upon a Fork in the trail. Left looped shallowly up bringing you back to the opposite side of the yard from where I had entered and would have me back to the house in less then fifteen minutes. The path to the right was much longer. It too would get me back to the house but not before taking me deeper into the dark woods and spitting me out into a little meadow… _our meadow_… with a babbling brook running through it.

On the far side of the meadow the path continued on its way through the woods for a short distance before it too looped back towards the house, joining up with the left path just before it reached the yard. My decision had been made upon thinking the words 'our meadow' so I took the right path. It was growing darker with each step forward as the forest grew denser and the trees crowded around the little path.

The brightness of the full moon in the rarely cloudless Forks sky filtered through the branches allowing just enough light for me to avoid stumbling over any hidden roots and keep from smacking my head on or being slapped in the face by any wayward branches. Trusting my intuition and the internal compass that only seemed to work for me when I was on this path to guide me and leaving a tiny portion of my mind to concentrate on not maiming myself, I let the rest of mind drift back to my memories.

~//~

**Five Years Earlier**

I got through security and found my terminal just as the flight crew was preparing to close the doors. I made my way to the only empty seat remaining, all the way in the rear, but next to a window thankfully, as they were making final preparations for takeoff. I had barely stowed my carryon and buckled my seat belt before we were taxiing to the runway and preparing for takeoff.

I stared out the window as the plane rocketed down the runway. I felt the nose slowly tilt up, still increasing speed, until the tires, first the front and then the rear ones, gently lifted from the tarmac. As we slowly gained altitude, I watched until the view below me looked more like a topographical map than a city and then I pulled the shade down and closed my eyes.

I hadn't felt tired, I only closed my eyes as a preemptive strike against Talky McTalkerson who was sitting next to me, but I somehow slept and did not wake up until the plane touched down in Seattle. I thought maybe the stress and exhaustion of the past few days had taken more of a toll on me than I had realized or that the sentence handed down to me by Renee had possibly depressed me some, but truth be told I didn't actually feel anything at all. I was completely numb and not entirely sure what was worse, the numbness or feeling all the emotions that had started to overwhelm me back at Renee's.

My flight arrived at Sea-Tac International on time, not that it mattered. I was in no hurry. No one was waiting for me there and the small charter plane that would be taking me across the sound to Port Angeles where Charlie was to pick me up would not be going anywhere without its only passenger. If you have never had the privilege of experiencing flying in a puddle jumper, let me give you an idea.

Imagine it like this, if the plane from Phoenix was a bus, full of people and cheap in proportion to distance traveled, then the one taking me to the peninsula would be like a Taxi, small and expensive, if it was driven by a short, elderly Asian woman. No offence or perpetuation of stereotypes intended.

I thought it was too much money to spend but Charlie didn't have time to drive all the way to Seattle to pick me up and the drive back was long. Puddle jumper from Sea-tac to PA= $?.?; avoiding the long, awkward drive to Forks in a police cruiser father you barely know= Priceless. _Thanks, Phil!_

The seatbelt sign had yet to be turned off and we weren't even half way to the gate but that didn't stop my fellow passengers from trying to play what looked like a game of 'Me First' as they all rushed to get up and secure their stowed away bags or get to the still closed doors. The fact that no matter how quickly they secured their bags from the overhead compartments they would still have to wait to exit until all of the passengers ahead of them got off of the plane escaped them. Watching them made me tired despite the three plus hour nap I had just awoken from.

Everyone did eventually make it off of the plane, despite their fears to the contrary. And then, like cattle being led reluctantly to slaughter… _mooooooo, mooooooo_… we winded our way around and up and down through the airport maze before finally arriving at baggage claim where we waited again. I stood at the very end of the carousel for the luggage from my flight to arrive on the conveyor belt and mine to finally make its way to me. I could have stood closer to the beginning of the carousel where the luggage was deposited but I realized during the walk from the terminal that I didn't enjoy being wedged in with all of those people; it made me anxious and impatient.

Plus, considering I did not want to be going where I was going, I wasn't really in much of a hurry. I waited and after waiting for what felt like forever, possibly longer, I finally collected my bags and made my way outside to where the buses and the people picking up loved ones were waiting. _What the fuck, man! Why was I going all emo all of a sudden? Just call me Little Miss Suicidy? Everything was turning into a fucking travesty with me, man… and on top of it I was turning into Walter from The Big Lebowski. _I chuckled at my own thoughts. I was being very non-Bella as I wallowed and hosted myself a little pity party. _Oh, woe is me!_

I tuned out my inner monologue and found the appropriate shuttle to take me to the private terminals. Fifteen minutes and one signed hold-harmless agreement later I was left standing with my luggage next to a two person puddle jumper with a storage compartment just big enough for my luggage. _You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain… goodness gracious, great balls of fire… _Music started playing in my head as I stood their staring at the death trap that was masquerading as a skyworthy piece of aircraft. My own warped sense of humor was against me because the music was absolutely not helping my fraying nerves. _Seriously, world's smallest plane. _

Also, not helping my nerves was the realization that I would be sitting in the co-pilots chair. I tried to explain to them that it was a seriously bad idea. With the way disaster, bad luck and general clumsiness stalked my every step, I was almost guaranteed to bump into or press something that would send us careening down to our watery, and on my part early, deaths but no one was paying attention to me. Normally I would be okay with that, but I was tyring to not die and save them one plane and a pilot in the process. After the pilot chuckled at me and told me I was being melodramatic I gave up… _it's your life, asshole…_ and spent the entire flight singing along with the music playing in my head…

_Well, I said a shake, baby shake_

_I said a shake, baby shake…_

…_Whole lotta shakin' goin on!_

Apparently even my subconscious does not know more than three versus of any song.

_That'll be the day that you say goodbye…_

…_Cause that'll be the day that I die._

I began to think that the pilot didn't appreciated my musical selections when he said I was distracting him and asked me to please refrain from singing after the second repeat of my third Buddy Holly song. To give him some credit my selections were getting a wee bit ridiculous.

_If I leave here tomorrow  
Would you still remember me?  
For I must be travelling on, now,  
cause theres too many places Ive got to see…  
…cause Im as free as a __bird__ now,  
And this bird you can not change.  
Lord knows, I cant change._

Dude, Freebird? Really?

Despite hitting quite a bit of turbulence, we made it to Port Angeles without incident but not in one piece as I managed to stumble over… air, naturally, and skin up my hands as I got out of the plane.

"Bells, you need me to grab the first aid kit. I would have brought it with, but I didn't think even you could hurt yourself this soon."

Charlie. Smug bastard thinks he's funny.

"Hiya, Char… Dad. I think I am fine. Just a couple of scrapes."

I heard loud guffawing, not Charlie, and looked up to locate the source. Walking on the sidewalk next to the fence in front of the airfield was an incredibly tall guy, at least 6'5" and built like a linebacker or WWF wrestler. His dark hair was cropped, but not close enough to hide the curls. He was looking down as he walked, shaking his head from side to side in amusement.

Just when his laughter would start to die down, he would lift his eyes in my direction and his chuckles would start all over again. _Yuck it up, motherfucker. Real funny. _He went to steal one final glance my way as he was about to disappear around the corner and was greeted by my blushing visage glaring back at him. With no shame whatsoever, he looked me straight in the eye, gave me a good natured smile and… fuck me. Please.

He had the cutest, yet still sexy, dimples that dragged him beyond merely good looking and straight to hot, hot, hot! And those baby blues… _Burn baby, burn, disco inferno…_ What was with me and the bad, not to mention inappropriate music today? _Disco's dead._ My cheeks reddened even more during the whole two seconds we maintained eye contact, which, of course, was duly noted by Mister fucking Observant. He smile got impossibly brighter as he chuckled again and winked at me… _the fucking wanker winked at me_ _and I liked it_… as he rounded the corner.

Charlie had been busy helping the pilot with my bags and had luckily failed to notice my exchange with the blue eyed, dimpled hottie… _I wanted to lick those dimples_. Whoa! Charlie is standing five feet away, inappropriate moment for the hormones to come out to play. I was still blushing when I noticed Charlie head towards me, but Charlie didn't mention a word about it. He knew who I inherited the trait from and because of that, could be counted on to not ask questions.

"Uh, this way, Bells."

We made our way to the cruiser parked a little ways away, on the edge of the little airfield. _At least we didn't have far to walk._ I hated riding in the cruiser with a passion. The looks I received, even as a child, as I was let out of the back seat escorted to my destination by a uniformed police officer are still mortifying, but I had to admit that there were benefits to having a police chief father and access almost anywhere was one of them. I got in the passenger seat and buckled up as Charlie stowed my luggage in the trunk.

It took an hour to get from Port Angeles to his house in Forks and I was grateful that Charlie was, for the most part, content to make the drive in silence. He did initially make an awkward attempt at conversation.

"Your rooms exactly like you left it. I didn't know what to get or what you would like and, anyways… All of this was kind of last minute. I thought you could just get whatever needed once you got here. Maybe go to Port Angeles or Olympia sometime. You got time to kill before school starts and Forks, well, it's still Forks… Uhhh, look kiddo, I'm sorry for the way you ended up here. Your mom… it wasn't right, but I am real happy to have you."

My voice was small when I replied and I struggled to keep the threatening tears from falling. We were both uncomfortable enough as it was. "Thanks, Dad."

We were just about to Charlie's… home when I realized something.

"Hey, Dad? How am I gonna get to Port Angeles? I'm pretty sure you aren't going to let me take the cruiser, so unless you plan on going with me…"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that I got you a truck." What? He bought me a truck, my very own truck. I didn't even have my own ride in Phoenix. I had to beg Renee to let me have the car to go to the grocery store.

He must have noticed the look on my face… incredulity, shock, dare I say, excitement, because as we approached the little yellow house with white shutters he said in a rush, "It's not much to look at, Bells. It's just something a friend was getting rid of, but she's had the motor re-built and she'll get you from point A to point B… I think"

I ignored the last part because there it was. My truck. It was an old, real old, rusty, red Ford and, yeah, she looked like crap and probably smelled like ass, but she was mine and she was freedom and hope and all sorts of other things that I couldn't even understand at the time. Charlie hadn't even put the cruiser in park before I jumped out and ran over to see my baby.

"Well? What do you think? Is it okay? I'm sorry it's not more, but I didn't have much time."

"Are you kidding me? It's great. It's perfect actually!"

And it was. It just seemed exactly… me. I ran back to Charlie and out of sheer exuberance gave him a hug. It was awkward as neither of us were really that used to displays of affection, or at least participating in them, but he hugged me back and then patted my back before releasing me and asking the million dollar question, "You wanna take her for a spin?"

"Can I?" I screeched out, internally cringing for sounding like all of those vapid girls that I detested back in Phoenix.

Charlie chuckled a bit, crossed his arms and shook his head as I waited. He smiled for the first time since picking me up and said, "It's your truck. The keys are in it."

"I'm just gonna take it around the block. I'll be right back," I shouted, already in the truck before I could finish talking.

I had to pump the clutch a couple of times and give it a little gas as I turned the ignition, but she fired up with a roar… _that bitch was LOUD!_ The gears were a bit sticky and I killed it once but I got us onto the road and went for a cruise. I decided to take a tour to get an idea of what Forks had to offer, which was nothing much. I told Charlie I wouldn't be long and I was true to my word. I had scoped out the town and was back at home in twenty minutes; Forks was that small.

While I was gone Charlie had taken my bags up to my room for me and ordered a pizza for dinner. Charlie couldn't cook anything without scales, and he wasn't even very good at that, so he usually ate at the local diner or got a pizza. I didn't do nightly greasy diner food, so I knew I was going to have to go to the store tomorrow as there was never anything in his fridge.

I figured that since Charlie had gotten stuck with me, the least I could do to show my appreciation would be to feed the poor guy. Besides, I had to eat anyways and I did all the cooking with Renee too. I didn't mind it, it was, in fact, something and enjoyed and was quite good at. After searching though the cupboards for a plate larger than a teacup, I finally found one in the cupboards next to the stove with some pans, a handheld mixer and a really old bag of popcorn kernels, I grabbed a couple slices of pizza and made my way upstairs to my room.

I was certain that, if my room was anything like the rest of the house, it was in complete disarray and made a mental note to add straightening out general chaos and housekeeping duties to my list of things I could do to make sure that I wasn't too much of a nuisance. I was quite surprised when I got to my room and saw that, except for a bit of dust, it had escaped the fate of the rest of the house. It was exactly as I had left it the last summer I had been there.

It was comforting in some ways but in other ways, not. Specifically the bed sheets and comforter, My Little Pony, blech. _Oh, Grundelland! I loved the Grundels. Bad witches with their awful smooze. _They were going to have to go. I would replace them for good as soon as I could get to Port Angeles, but for now they would get washed and then go back on the bed.

I looked out the rather large window opposite the door as I wolfed down my pizza. It would have had a nice view of the front yard if it wasn't for a large tree with thick branches blocking the view. I grabbed up the bed linens that I had stripped from the bed and made my way down to the laundry room, dropping my plate off in the kitchen on my way.

While the wash was going, I went to the kitchen and made a list of what I would need to pick up at the market the next day and then went to the living room to talk to Charlie.

"So, I thought I could help out around here with the cooking and cleaning since you are letting me stay here. I am pretty used to doing that since… Well, you know Renee."

"Can't cook and horribly disorganized." I couldn't resist the amused smile that I gave in response to his somewhat toned down description his ex-wife. "I guess I have kind of let this place get away from me, but you are not gonna be my maid. It was a nice offer, unnecessary though. And I want you here, Bells; this has always been your home."

Charlie was every bit as much of an open book as I was. I could clearly see the love and adoration he had for me etched onto his face and my heart clenched painfully in my chest as I realized that I could not remember ever seeing Renee look at me that way. I pushed it aside and pressed on.

"Really, Char… Dad, I want to. I like to cook and since I have to prepare mass quantities for consumption for myself, I might as well make you something as well."

Charlie chuckled, no doubt remembering the time we had gone to the theater in Seattle to see Coneheads after he had picked me up from the airport. I spent the entire two weeks talking like the characters and he had vowed to never take me to another movie if I didn't start talking like a human. He also boycotted Soft Cell from being played in any cassette/cd player owned by himself, the Good People of Forks or me. His eyes softened and I knew I had won.

"I've already made a list of the things I need from the grocery store, but I don't have much money…"

"Okay," Charlie sighed in defeat. "I'll leave money in the drawer under the coffeepot and you can get whatever you need from the grocery store."

"That brings up another thing I wanted to ask you about. Is there anywhere around her that I could get a job?"

"I think Newton's Outfitters might be hiring. I ask around tomorrow and see if I can set you up with an interview."

"Great." I started to leave the room only to stop in the door way as I was about to step over the threshold. I stood there staring at my feet for I don't know how long before Charlie cleared his throat.

"Something wrong, Bells?"

I shook my head but continued staring at my feet.

"Just… thanks." I turned some, looked up and offered him a small smile. Charlie didn't say a word. His jaw tightened, his eyes glistened, and he gave me one firm nod of his head before he returned his attention back to whatever game was on letting me know that he understood what I was thanking him for far better than words ever could, and it wasn't for the grocery money or helping me find a job.

I swiftly exited and headed up to my room, grabbing my freshly laundered bedding on the way. Once my bed was made and my nightly routine completed, I crawled under the covers and slept like the dead.

~//~

**Songs Used*  
****(In Order of Appearance):**

_Great Balls of Fire _and _Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On_ by Jerry Lee Lewis  
_That'll Be The Day_ by Buddy Holly  
_Freebird_ by Lynyrd Skynyrd


	3. Chapter 2 We're Going To Be Friends

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns the characters and I certain plot points, I just own the manipulations.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

**This week's rec's:**

ComeUppance by Goldenmeadow - strong content and difficult subject matter. Its def not for everyone, but she is brilliant and I have read it more than once which I don't do with many fic's.

Wide Awake by AngstGoddess003

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Chapter 2- We're Going to be Friends  


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Fall is here, hear the yell  
back to school, ring the bell  
brand new shoes, walking blues  
climb the fence, books and pens  
I can tell that we're going to be friends

- _We're Going To Be Friends_, The White Stripes

~//~

I arrived in Forks a good month before school started which left me with plenty of time to fill and not enough to fill it with. I planned on going about my self-assigned tasks around the house as slowly as humanly possible but, despite all the time I had, I was still shocked and a bit disappointed in myself when I woke up the next morning and rolled over to see the clock on my bedside table loudly declaring in bold red that it was almost noon. I quickly hopped out of bed, grabbed my toiletries out of one my unpacked suitcases and scurried across my room en route to the bathroom.

I had just started to twist the knob when my mind caught up with my body and I remembered that I was not in Phoenix anymore. With Charlie's room across the hall from mine and us sharing a bathroom, I was going to have to make some accommodations. No more going from the bathroom to my room in only a towel and no more wondering around the house in my pajamas. Turning back to my suitcases, I grabbed a change of clothes and, glancing down at the girlie boxers and tank that I had worn to bed, my robe before heading to the bathroom.

I turned the water on as hot as I could stand on and stayed in the shower until the water started to turn cold. By the time I left the bathroom, hair blown dry, dressed and ready for the day, it was nearly one o'clock and I decided to go to the grocery store to pick up the items on my list in order to be finished shopping before it got too busy with the five o'clock just-got-off-work crowd. I grabbed the money Charlie had left for me, my keys and a sweatshirt before heading out. _Busy! In Forks! _ I scoffed to myself as I started up my truck and drove to the store. _Every citizen living within the city limits could be at the store at the same time and it wouldn't be busy._ That wasn't true, probably, but I laughed again.

I had learned through years of experience that grocery store floors had a tendency to be dangerously slippery, for me at least, so took my time inside the store. I went down each aisle slowly and carefully, trying to not embarrass myself by falling or knocking anything over while committing the layout to memory for future use. I was meandering down my second aisle, scanning the shelves, when I felt my cart knock into something. Coming to a halt I was mortified to discover that I hadn't knocked _something_ over, I had knocked _someone_ over, a young girl to be exact.

Blushing with conditioned embarrassment, I rushed around the cart to help the girl up while professing my apologies. "Son of a bitch! Oh, Shit! I am so sorry. Fuck! I wasn't paying attention. So, so sorry. Crap! Are you okay?" I blurted out as I grasped her arm and helped her to her feet. I gasped as I clasped both hands over my mouth and blushed even further as I realized that I was cursing in front of, _at_, a child.

Without removing my hands I continued my apologies. "I am so sorry… I really didn't mean to…" I gestured to the cart, her and looked at the ground as I rambled on, not even forming complete sentences. _I couldn't shut up._ "… or the language. I was trying so hard… you know, cause of the slick floors… to be careful and then I knocked you over and…." _No, I just could not._

I was so busy making apologies that I didn't notice the giggling right away. It took me even longer to realize that the rather grown up giggling I was hearing came from the young girl in front of me. I finally took my first good look at her and realized that she was, in fact, not a little girl at all. She looked like she was close to my age just teeny. I gave her a quick once over not only to ascertain whether or not she had sustained any injuries but to assess her appearance. _Subconsciously sizing up the competition. A bitchy habit that all girls suffer from. _

She was absolutely gorgeous. Girlishly thin and fine boned, but still possessed killer curves and a nice rack. She had short black hair that she wore flipped out in a spiky style, flawlessly applied makeup and perfectly tailored expensive looking clothes. She looked like a hip little pixie and she was rockin' the 'rock star chic' look. I felt shoddy and broke down next to her. Staring at the laminate tiles on the floor like I was an inspector, I mumbled one more 'I'm sorry' and finally, _finally_, shut-up.

"Really it's okay! No blood, no foul." Came a tinkling, bell-like voice. It was her turn to look me over, slowly appraising me while I, acutely aware of my sloppy appearance, squirmed uncomfortably. "You're new here." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah, I, um, just moved from Phoenix to live with my dad…" I got out before the child-girl cut me off.

"Chief Swan." My chin came up in shock and she giggled again. "Don't look so surprised. It's a really small town. Everyone one knows about the return of the Chief's prodigal daughter. You're the biggest news of the unusually slow summer, and summers here are pretty slow, soooooo you're a pretty big deal. I'm Alice, by the way. Alice Cullen. And you are Isabella."

"Just Bella."

"Nice to meet you, Just Bella." I nodded once, _Back atcha. _"I have a feeling you and I are going to be best good friends."

I giggled internally. "Like peas and carrots?"

Alice smirked at me playfully but her eyes held something else… was that _approval_? "Like peas and carrots." She nodded imperceptibly to herself. "So, have you met anyone yet?"

"I just got here yesterday. Sooooo, no. You're the first."

"Good. That gives me a chance to help you avoid making any awkward faux pas by telling you about everything and everyone."

With that, she proceeded to shove me behind my cart before pulling it, and me, behind her while she chattered away happily. Her basket was still sitting where it had fallen during her impromptu meeting with the ground so she swooped down and hooked her arm through the handles as we passed it. I was sure she had better things to do than follow me around a grocery store and I told her several times that she was under no obligation to take the town newbie under her wing, but every single time Alice rolled her eyes and shushed me. "Don't be absurd, Bella! I need to pick up a few things myself and I much prefer to have company when I shop. So really, you are doing me a favor."

So we shopped together… for two hours and, to be honest, I was glad for the company. With Alice by my side people were still looking at me but it was no longer with suspicion. Instead they were looking at me skeptically, wondering what a plain girl like me was doing keeping company with the striking faerie that was by my side. I really couldn't blame them for that; I was curious myself. If Alice noticed any of the puzzled looks shot our direction, she never let on as she bounded gracefully around the store, flitting from here to there like a hummingbird. Occasionally placing a random item into her basket as she helped me locate the items from my list and chattering away.

Except for a few breaks in the conversation as she read a label or mulled over a purchasing decision her steady stream of conversation continued effortlessly as she talked about Forks in general, the people that I would meet at school, her little group of friends and her family. I rather enjoyed that she didn't ask a ton of questions or require much input from me in order to keep the conversation going, and her happy and cheerful demeanor made her easy to be around.

By the time we were about to part ways at the front of the store, I knew all the facts about her- she had two brothers one of whom was her twin, they were all adopted, her dad's a doctor, and her mum's an interior decorator and caterer. She also managed to somehow rope me in to going shopping with her in Port Angeles the next day, the next day… at 7:30 a.m. My jaw hit the floor and Alice just shrugged. "I have a bit of a shopping problem."

_Who the hell goes shopping that early in the morning?_ Alice had taken my phone from me and was busy punching away at it. "Alice, is there anything even open in Port Angeles that early in the morning?"

She held my phone up to her ear, nodded to herself, hit a button and handed it back to me before acknowledging me with another roll of her eyes. _Bitch was stealing my trademark move._ "Of course there is. I called you're my phone from yours so that we have each others numbers. I'll see you in the morning. Ta!"

She bounced off before I had a chance to back out and, in the time that it took to put my phone away, she had disappeared. I could call her and cancel but I had a feeling that not only would I still end up going with her, I would get tricked into doing something else on top of it; Alice was a force to be reckoned with. I had no doubts that she could convince the pope to eat meat on Good Friday or something equal to or harder than that. _My imagination was seriously shot at this point._ I dare anyone to try and resist Alice Cullen. I would certainly never bet against her. With her ridiculous pouting combined with her abilities to argue, guilt trip and simply up and disappear… the girl was good.

I shook my head and pushed my cart out of the store. Whipping my head at around at the sound of squealing tires, I saw a yellow car that looked much too fancy for Forks disappear around the corner. _Somebody's compensating for something. Can you say mid-life crisis. _

I was half-way to my truck when it began to not just rain, but pour so hard that I looked around expecting to see Noah loading animals, two by two, into his ark. I was freezing and soaked to the bone by the time I managed to get all of my groceries piled into my truck. It shouldn't have taken as long as it did, but some asshole had decided to park thisclose to my truck barely allowing me enough room to open the door and slip my groceries inside. How the fuck he or she got out of the car I hadn't a clue.

Once I was inside of my truck, I looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror and cringed at what I was. I looked like a drowned rat with my hair plastered to my head and water dripping off of my nose. "Fucking rain, fucking Forks and stupid fucking shiny, silver Volvo drivers!" I shouted out in the cab of my truck while pounding my fists against the steering wheel.

I wanted to be dry and warm. I missed Phoenix. And for some irrational reason, I missed Renee. _I am the only home you will ever need._ Bullshit!

I sat there in the grocery store parking lot, seething, for who knows how long until I shivering. With a sigh I started my truck and turned the heat on high before fighting with the clutch as I tried to get it into reverse. _God damn sticky clutch! Arghhh!_ When it finally slipped into gear I glanced over my shoulder and started to backup. Because my day wasn't going poorly enough, _jeeze Bella, melodramatic much, t_he sun chose that exact moment to come out and shine with a vengeance directly into my eyes causing my vision to be momentarily obscured by multi-colored spots.

I blinked rapidly to make the spots go away. I continued backing up only to suddenly slam on my brakes when I saw a flicker of bronze appear near the back of my truck from out of nowhere. Coming to a halt, my eyes moved back and forth between my rearview and side mirrors trying to find the bronze _thing_ but saw nothing. The sun was just playing tricks on me. Laughing at myself, I finished backing out, shifted to first and headed home.

I spent the remainder of my day putting away groceries, cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom and getting the cabinets and drawers reorganized in a way that made sense. We had lasagna for dinner when Charlie finally got home from the station at eight and, after I washed the dinner dishes and put the food away, I went to bed. As I drifted off to sleep I prayed that Alice was kidding about leaving at such an early hour to go shopping.

~//~

She wasn't kidding. _Somebody, somewhere hates me. _

I was awoken the next morning by an entirely too exuberant pixie landed with a bounce on my bed. "Wakey, wakey Sleeping Bella."

I groaned and looked over at the clock squinting at the bedroom light that _someone_ had turned on. "Alice it's six in the morning. I thought we weren't leaving until 7:30?"

"We aren't. Now get up."

"If we aren't leaving yet then I don't have to get up for another…" I paused as my sleep hazed mind struggled to do the simple math. "45 minutes to an hour. And how the hell did you get in here?"

"The Chief let me in. And you're wrong. You have to get up now if we are going to get you ready before Rose gets here."

"Get me ready?" I said, confused, before remembering the bigger bomb she had just dropped on me. "Wait, who's Rose?"

"I told you yesterday silly. Rose is my friend as well as my big brother Emmett's girlfriend and sister to my Jasper."

"Doesn't that seem a little, I don't know, incestuous or weird to you?"

"Nope." She popped the 'p'. I couldn't remember if I hated 'p' poppers or if it was just early morning wake up calls by bouncing pixies that made me surly, but either way I was irritated. "Now quit stalling and get up. You're wasting valuable time and if you get up and shower like a good girl the yummy coffee and scone that I brought for you will still be warm."

As she said the words 'coffee' and 'scone', I got a sudden whiff of the most heavenly gourmet coffee and something sweet that I could only assume was the scone. "Can I have the coffee first?" I asked opening one eye.

"Collateral, Bella. What will I have to insure that you get up and shower if I let you have it now?" Sensing her victory she stood up, pulled the covers back and handed me my robe. "Now skedaddle."

I reluctantly got out of bed and slipped on my robe glaring at Alice as I calculated my chances of snagging the coffee, running to the bathroom, locking myself in and never coming out. It was a beautiful fantasy. One that Alice just had to snap me out of.

"Not gonna happen, Bella. You'd never make it. I have two older brothers and both of them picked on me, so I'm pretty fast and very sneaky. Don't underestimate the sneakiness." She wore a smug expression as she took a seat on the bed and took a nail file from out of… wherever, I don't know her ass maybe, where the fuck _did_ it come from… and started filing her nails.

"What are you psychic, Alice?" I grumbled at her as I made to grab some clothes out of a suitcase since I still hadn't unpacked.

"That and your face is just so easy to read. Never play poker. Leave 'em. I already laid out your clothes in the bathroom." She finally looked at me as she blew some imaginary dust off of her nails. Dismissing me with a couple flicks of her wrist she returned her attention to her nails and said in a sing-songy voice, "Show-errrr!"

I scowled at her and made my way to the bathroom with a huff. I felt slightly guilty about my grouchiness when I turned on the water and found that it was already warm. I realized that Alice must have pre-heated the water for me and I felt just like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes. Maybe not three sizes, but I was no longer wishing her a nice long stay in the depths of Hades, so it was an improvement.

I was forced from the shower by loud banging on the door and a harpy shouting at me. "Don't make me come in there, Isabella. Get dressed and get back to your room. Now. You are wasting valuable hair and makeup time."

I hoped she was bluffing, but, as I was unwilling to find out, I did as I was told… quickly due to Alice's continued shouting. I was dressed and halfway to my room before I even took notice of what I was wearing to realize that I didn't recognize the clothing. I stopped midstride and took a good look at the dark wash jeans and white top I was wearing. They looked practically brand new. I knew that that they weren't mine and they most certainly weren't Alice's because I couldn't fit one of my thighs, much less both, into a pair of her jeans. _She seriously looks like she wears a size -2. Do they even make a size -2?_

My already low self-esteem was taking a nose dive as I re-examined my interactions with Alice thus far. The critical way she evaluated me at the store. How she forced me into going shopping with her. Her getting up at some god awful, ridiculously early time just to come over to my house to dress me in someone else's clothes and now she was wanting to do my make up and hair. Was she embarrassed to be seen with me in public? Sure, I was more comfortable in a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie pulled over it, but was I that awful?

I knew that I was no Alice. I was nothing much to look at or in possession of any outstanding qualities to make up for what I lacked aesthetically; I was just Plain-Jane, averagely average, boring Bella. I knew exactly who I was and I had come to terms with it… mostly. I wasn't anyone's charity case and I wasn't going to be groomed until she felt I was 'acceptable' enough to be her friend. I had really hoped Alice and I could be friends but, hopes are like assumptions...

I walked into my room prepared for battle and armed with the most intimidating glare in my arsenal. I pinched the front of the shirt I was wearing between my thumb and forefinger, pulled it away from my body slightly and looked at her pointedly. "Alice, what the hell... who the hell's are these? They're not mine." My battle face was dangerously close to going MIA as my discovery that I wasn't good enough flashed through my head in neon lights so I looked at the ground. _Weakling. _My voice hitched embarrassingly and tears pooled in my eyes as I forced myself to say my revelation out loud. "Am I really so hideous that you have to put me in borrowed clothes and give me a makeover before you'll be seen out in public with me?"

Alice smile fell. Hopping off of my bed she rushed over to me, grasped both of my hands in hers and, with an imploring look said, "Oh, Bella! Of course not. How could you...? I can't believe you would think that. You are gorgeous." I snorted. "This is what girlfriends... well, this is what I do. I will make us paint each others toenails, go shopping and get makeovers and all that jazzy, girly stuff. And you have to let me." I raised my eyebrows and shot her a skeptical look. _Why? _

"No one else lets me play stylist anymore." Alice pouted adorably as she said it and I almost laughed, but I still had questions.

"What about the clothes, Alice?"

She resumed her seat on my bed, smiling now, as she recited her answer. "Mom sent me to Port Angeles to pick up a catering contract yesterday after I left the store, and I ended up getting there early, had some time to kill so I bought you a welcome to Forks present."

I didn't think she was lying, but she looked far too innocent for it to be the entire truth and then… she batted her freaking eyelashes at me.

Without even realizing it my anger had mostly dissolved, but I wasn't going to let her know that. "Don't bat those eyelashes at me, Alice Cullen. I am not Jasper or your Daddy. It won't work with me."

"But Bella, it works with everyone." _Give in to the darkness. _She beamed at me, but I stayed firm; I wasn't folding. Alice caved first; her face fell and she looked apologetic as she rattled off an explanation. "Really Bella, I was bored and there was a sale at my favorite store but they didn't have anything in my size and then saw that outfit and thought it would look good on you. I can't take them back since they were on sale so you are just going to have to keep them, I guess."

That mischievous little, loop-hole finding pixie… "I am paying you back, Alice."

"You can't. It's a gift."

"I hate gifts." I was whining and I hated whining more.

"I didn't know that so… you have to accept."

"Alice… Why?"

I saw the recognition in her eyes that she understood what I was really asking. It must have struck a nerve because she froze up, her hand in midair grasping the plug of the flat iron that she had been about to plug in. Her cheerful façade cracked, her delicate features clouded over with an emotion that I vaguely recognized but couldn't quite place and she drew her shoulders back defensively.

The petty part of me that I never acknowledged secretly delighted, _I knew no one could be that bloody chipper all the time_, but the empathetic part wanted to rush over and give her a hug even though I didn't understand what had happened. There was a third part, the pessimistic slinker, whose evil whispers poison my thoughts with indecision and doubt, that breathed into my ear, _What's she hiding, Bella? Why would she be nice to you? What's in it for her? _As hard as I tried to ignore that voice, the seeds of self-doubt it would sow found purchase. I refused to let them root too deeply, I would have answers.

"Why?" I asked again, my voice cracking and trailing off in confusion.

With a visible effort, Alice composed herself as she finished putting the plug into the outlet. She pasted her smile back onto her face, but it didn't reach her eyes and her shoulders were still tense. Her shifts in demeanor happened so quickly that if you hadn't been paying particular attention or weren't used to reading peoples body language, you would have missed it. My shrewd eyes missed nothing, but I kept my expression blank as Alice answered.

She feigned ignorance, sweetly asking, "What do you mean, 'why?'"

"I mean exactly that, Alice… Why? As in, why are you being so nice to me? Why are you going out of your way for me? Buying me things? You barely know me. People I have known for my entire life wouldn't go out of their way for me like you have and you have only known me for a few hours. I just want to know why." I narrowed my eyes at her. "What's in it for you?" _Not only had the seeds rooted, they sent up shoots._

"Well, it's kind of stupid actually, but don't get mad, please?" I nodded. _I would try._ "I don't have a lot of friends." I shot her a look of disbelief and her cheeks flushed a delicate pink. I started to call bullshit; she was so outgoing, perky and friendly that I couldn't imagine anyone not wanting to befriend her.

Shaking her head she said, "No, really. I am popular and know a lot of people, but outside of my brothers, Jazz and Rose, I don't have any real friends."

Grabbing me by my hand, Alice towed me toward the chair next to my desk so that she could finish getting me ready. I opened my mouth to protest because bitch was crazy if she thought that I was going to drop it. She shot me a look that dared me to defy her and I closed my mouth. She was fierce for such a tiny little thing, not to mention surprisingly strong.

She shoved me into the chair and handed me my coffee and scone, effectively nixing any further protests from me. I was distracted in the delightfully bitter hotness sliding down my throat and the yumminess of the scone. I was happily licking sugar crystals off of my fingers, all memory of our… discussion, confrontation, whatever it was, forgotten for the moment.

Because of this, it took me a moment to realize what she was going on about as she continued on with her story while clipping my hair up in sections before starting her torture session. I suspected that any resistance from me would result in the immediate cessation of her story, so I remained compliant throughout the whole process.

It wasn't lost on me that my desire to know why that had halted Alice's impromptu beauty session was now being used against me to restart said session, but I was going to get my answers even if that meant that she would get her way. Alice was sneaky like that and I was only beginning to learn it. _I had seriously underestimated the sneakiness._

"We moved here from Alaska as freshman and it seemed like everyone knew everything about us before they had even seen us. They knew we were adopted which is why we were all in the same grade, that Edward and I were twins and they knew a-a-all about Carlisle and Esme coming from old money. Not that you would ever know it by meeting them, but everyone's assumptions were made long before we arrived.

"It was weird… not just having people know that much about you when you knew nothing about them, but that they would make all of these assumptions based on rumors and hearsay. Because of all of that and because we were the first new students in like six years, everyone had all of these hidden agendas but I didn't knew or even suspect it at the time. We were like the shiny new toys that everyone wanted to play with. Some more than others…" She muttered the last part to herself.

"Every year on the first day the school has a pep rally/welcome back assembly first thing in the morning. We were running late that day thanks to Emmett and his hollow leg." She chuckled at her private joke and then noticed my confused expression, "You'll see when you meet him."

"Anyway, the assembly had already started and it was fairly quiet while everyone waited for the principal, Mr. Bogner, to finish adjusting the mic… and then we walked in and every single set of eyes in the school were on us. It's not like we were the only ones to walk in late or anything, they were just smart enough to straggle in one by one so that they were hardly noticed. It was our own fault really.

"We probably could have attracted a little less attention, but no. We come walking in the door on the far side of the gym so that there is no one within like forty feet of us. Seriously, a spotlight would have been more discreet. I'm in the lead with my binder tucked under my arm and I had on the cutest light grey, relaxed fit, linen capris that I wore with this great pair of Betsy Johnson silk harem mules in grey with purple flowers and really intricate green vines beaded on them, hmmm, wonder if I still have those…"

Alice pinched her chin between her thumb and forefinger, thinking. _About shoes! From freshman year! _

"Alice! Focus…" I chastised. _What is it with her and her god damn clothing obsession?_ Alice looked at me sheepishly. "Who the hell remembers what they wore the first day of school almost four years ago? I can't remember what I wore yesterday."

"If only the rest of us were so lucky…" she said under her breath with mock horror.

I rolled my eyes at her attempt at being funny. "I will pretend I didn't hear that. Go on…"

"Where was I?" I glared. She nodded to herself and continued. "Right. So, we go traipsing in to the gym, using the wrong door and looking like a flock of seagulls or something. Except with better fashion sense and a noticeable lack of '80's hair." Another attempt at humor. I glared again, turning the venom in it up a notch. Alice just giggled and continued on.

"I am the lead with Emmett and Edward flanking me. They are being their usual obnoxious selves, shoving each other as they bicker back and forth over who knows what…" She sighed but continued working away on me without missing a beat.

I was seriously starting to think that her comment about no one letting her play stylist anymore should be taken as a warning. The girl had a weird Rachel Zoe complex, except Alice was a better dresser. A sudden image of Alice saying, 'Make it work.' popped into my head almost causing laughter to bubble out of me, but I bit my lip just in time.

"I am mortified. I stop in my tracks and manage to give a shy wave, but the moron twins don't notice the fishbowl that we are in or that I have stopped walking until they practically fall over me. They finally stop their shenanigans when look up and see everyone staring. Edward uncomfortably stared at the floor with that little half smile of his, and Emmett had the biggest shit-eating grin, ever, plastered on his face as he gave a goofy wave that seriously made him look mentally challenged.

"I probably would have thought that it was pretty funny had I not been part of the Three Cullen Circus that we had become. Actually it's still pretty funny."

"So, the principal totally knows who we are and calls us over, makes us stand there, in front of the entire school, and introduce ourselves. I have never been a shrinking violet," _I would imagine not. _ "but that shit was seriously traumatizing especially when you're a freshman and the new kid to boot. You should be allowed to ease into that shit slowly."

I had to agree with her, but I didn't see how this had anything to do with her having no friends and I said so.

"Hold on tight, Spidermonkey, I am getting there." She said, fiddling with my hair now. "That was our introduction to Fork's High, to high school. The rest of the day was just as bad. All day long we were mobbed by people as one group and then another tried to claim us for their own. I'm not talking about just the freshman class, grade was irrelevant, it was the whole damn school.

"It made me feel even smaller than I am since I nearly got trampled by the stampede of people that wanted to know my brothers, who were pretty great, by the way. If it wasn't for Em and Eds looking out for me, I _would_ have been trampled a few times. At lunch we were snatched up by the popular crowd, the jocks and cheerleaders, to sit at the centermost table like we were on display or something.

They were nice enough, but it still felt a little bit like being in the middle of a shark tank just waiting for one of them to take the first bite so that the feeding frenzy could begin. People were talking over one another at us; all of them trying to out do everyone else in the effort to secure our attention. It was disconcerting; you couldn't keep up with your own thoughts much less any of the conversations going on around you.

"By the end of lunch the guys had made some friends with some of the football players and I was being dragged all over the place by a group a 'Plastics' wannabes. I didn't really resist because it's not like I was going to tag along with my brothers and their loud-talking, burping, farting, manners-lacking brethren. Not unless I wanted to be confused with one of the many groupies trailing after them everywhere they went, that is.

"My brothers have always attracted the attention of the opposite sex, as well as the not-so-hetero-minded members of their own, so I was never surprised by seeing girls lusting after them, but this was beyond ridiculous. The school was practically overflowing with estrogen and other fluids. In fact, I think they had to call the janitors in early that night just so they could disinfect all the chairs."

"Ewwww, Alice!"

Alice raised her eyebrows at me and said, "Can I finish? Can I please finish? Okay, I'll finish", before continuing on.

"The day finally ends after what felt like seven years instead of hours, and I went home feeling like the day was a total success in spite of the iffy start. I had so many new friends and all the girls had given me their numbers along with promises to 'get together' and 'hang out'.

"It took me a few days to realize that all of the 'getting together' meant 'hanging out' at my house. I also didn't realize that 'getting together' was apparently 'girlspeak' for trying to get together with your brothers and 'hanging out' meant hanging out of your clothes and trying to look cute while stalking said brothers.

"I was willing to ignore it at first because we were new. I thought that maybe after the novelty wore off things would change. I guess I hoped that they would get over my gorgeous siblings and get back to hanging out with me. It wasn't until the party after the third week of school that I realized that the situation wasn't going to change.

"Mum and dad had to attend a conference in Chicago that weekend so the boys, meaning Emmett," she rolled her eyes and wore the same 'Emmett will be Emmett' expression that I had noticed yesterday, "although Edward wasn't too averse to the idea for once, decided to throw a party on that Friday night. One of the seniors had a fake ID and offered to supply us with the booze if we, meaning Mommy and Daddy C., supplied the cash. Naturally all of my so called 'friends' came.

"Each time one of them showed up it was the same thing, 'Alice, there you are!' kiss, kiss 'Are your brothers here?' or 'Did I just see your brothers over there?' followed by 'You should introduce us.' Once the introductions were over with, none of those girls wanted to talk to me anymore. For the rest of the night my 'friends' hung out in my house, drinking my booze and avoiding me.

"Towards the end of the evening I went in search of another drink when I overheard Lauren and Jessica, Forks High's easiest lays, talking about me in the kitchen. They said some not very nice things about me and implied that I wouldn't even be worth knowing if it wasn't for my two hot brothers. I was crushed but, to be perfectly honest, after everything else that happened that night I wasn't that surprised. Not that I was going to let anyone see me cry.

"As I attempted to get upstairs to my room, two drunken, stumbling oafs, not my brothers, slammed into me, sending me tumbling into an end table before ending up on my ass on the floor. That was the straw that broke the camels back.

"Until then, I probably could have found a way to forgive the skank twins. In my mind, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumb not noticing me confirmed everything those two whores had said about me. So I am sitting on the floor and just as I was about to burst into tears I hear… gah, I can't even describe what his voice sounded like, it was like butt-ah with just a hint of the sexiest southern twang ever. Mmmm! Absolutely panty moistening."

I blushed.

"Its just schmexy stuff. Get over it, Bell. So, this voice whispers in my ear, 'Need a hand?' Next thing I know, two strong, not to mention warm, hands wrap around my waist and lift me to my feet. As soon as I am standing, he tilts my chin up and I am staring into the clearest baby blues you have ever seen. The face wasn't bad either, once I got around to looking at it.

"He wiped away a tear that had escaped, smiled and I remember thinking this is it, he is it for me, this is the one. I would have let him do anything, and I mean in-e-thing-at-all, to me, but gentleman that he is, he simply saw me safely to my room."

Alice was done fixing me up and had moved to sit on my bed as she finished up her story. Her voice had gone all dreamy as she talked and she had the softest smile on her lips, but it was her starry-eyed gaze that gave it away- this must be when she met her Jasper.

"I had scraped my shin during my altercation with the table so he helped me bandage it up. I somehow ended up telling him about the conversation I had heard and he didn't try to console me which was nice. He did tell me that the same thing happened to his stepsister, Rose, when they moved to Forks even though they were only in like the sixth grade.

"He said that Rose could be a little bit standoffish because of it, but that I should talk to her about it. I think that he thought both of us could use a friend. He got my number for Rose, of course, and after making me promise him that I would lock the door behind him, he left."

The dreamy, starry eyed thing lingered for a moment longer and then she sobered.

"The reason I told you all of this is because… I guess when I found out that I was the first person you had met in Forks I saw the chance to make a friend based on my own merit and not because they wanted something from me." Alice frowned and then paused briefly, considering. "I guess in my quest to not get used, I ended up using you. I am so sorry, Bella. I really do like you. I actually have this weird feeling that we are meant to be best friends… as stupid as that sounds."

The tears in my eyes were evident in my voice when I spoke. "Oh, Alice! I'm sorry. I like you too and I don't feel used at all, manipulated maybe…" Tears sparkled in her eyes now. "Kidding. You know- funny-ha-ha. I'll keep the clothes, this once, because your heart was in the right place, but don't do it again."

I should have been mad, but I wasn't. I could understand her reasoning. She was the only person I knew in this dreary place and I honestly liked her. So wasn't I using her in a way as well?

I had only had a couple of girlfriends in Phoenix, the first girlfriends I had ever had, but I knew less about them after three years than I did about Alice after less than a day. It felt like I had known Alice my entire life and I could tell her anything. It was weird how much I felt I could trust her, felt I could tell her anything.

"So, what's next?" I asked. Just like that Happy Alice was back.

She hopped up off the bed and started jumping up and down, _I swear I am calling Energizer tomorrow about using Alice as their new spokesperson, I bet she could even pull off a tail and bunny ears if they are stuck on the whole 'rabbit' thing,_ while clapping her hands in front of her chest. "Oh, goody. You just made this all so much easier on yourself." She finally handed me my coffee and scone that we had both forgotten about in the midst of things and did a few last minute touchups.

One hour and one confession after I got out of the shower, we were finally ready to descended the stairs. I was emotionally exhausted and seriously questioning my sanity for allowing her free reign when making me over. _My name is Bella Swan, not Bella Barbie! _ I had been poked, prodded, exfoliated, moisturized, and, from the feel of it, spackled with makeup while my hair had been gooed, blow dried, straightened, curled and shellacked before she had declared me done and allowed me to see the final product.

I looked exactly like me just a slightly better version- my eyes were more defined, my mouth poutier, my brows perfectly arched, and my hair a bit fuller and wavier. I don't know what I had been expecting. That's not true, it took so freaking long and she used so much shit on me that I truthfully expected to look like a clown. Considering that, I was pretty pleased with the results. The girl knew her shit, which shouldn't have surprised me because she was flawless every time I saw her.

Sure it was only my second time seeing her, but she was here before six am and she was just as perfect today as yesterday. Something about that struck me so I decided to follow the thought. If it had taken the better part of an hour to make me look practically the same, and she showed up looking amazing… I looked over at her. "Alice, what time did you get up this morning?"

"Hmmm. I don't really remember." She had a contemplative expression. She was lying. She had gotten up way too early. Even though I knew that she was feeding me a line of bullshit, I decided to just let it go. Well, not totally. I had to let her know how much I appreciated it, but I didn't want to have her just blow the gesture off.

In the end, I settled for a simple and quietly spoken, "Thanks, Alice." Alice acknowledged it with a small smile and a slight bowing of her head as she walked past me and out of my bedroom door.

Charlie was just getting ready to leave when we got downstairs. He seemed more chipper than usual as he looked from Alice to me and then back to Alice again.

"Looks like you got her out of bed and survived it, Alice. She can be a bit… let's just say she's not a morning person." Shifting his focus to me again, he took in my appearance and I saw what I thought to be paternal pride flicker in his eyes. "Morning, Bells! You look nice. So, you didn't tell me that you met Alice here yesterday."

I inwardly grimaced. I didn't even think of mentioning it to him, I never would have with Renee. My first reaction was annoyance, if he wanted me to tell him every time I met someone it wasn't going to happen, but then I saw the love and eagerness to be a part of my life in his eyes and I softened. I should have told him about my plans today if for no other reason than to keep him from worrying when he got home and saw my truck was here but I was no where to be found.

At the same time, I felt a pang of worry that Alice would think I was hiding our acquaintance so I snuck a peak at her and was relieved to see that she appeared unfazed.

"Sorry, Char… Dad. I didn't even think to mention it. Ren… I am just not used to running things by someone else, I guess. So, yeah. I bumped into Alice at the store and we hit it off and she invited me to go with her to Port Angeles and since I had to go soon anyway, I agreed." I was rambling, not knowing what to say or what was expected of me. Thinking about it, as I paused, I quickly added, "If that's okay with you?"

Alice piped in with, "I didn't actually invite her, Chief. I pretty much forced her."

Charlie chuckled and looked at Alice warmly. She had already charmed him, it seemed. "Of course it is, Bells. You don't have to run everything by me. You're a big girl. I trust you. Just try to give me an idea of your whereabouts so I don't worry." I nodded solemnly. "Oh, I almost forgot. Here."

He handed me a plastic card. "A visa? Dad, I can't take this. I have some money of my own. It's not much, but…" Charlie cut me off.

"It's prepaid, Bells, and you won't be spending my money. Phil had it shipped to the station overnight. He said he felt badly and wanted to make sure that you still had some spending money since you were forced to quit your job and job options around here are slim. He also said not to throw it away as it's refillable."

He winced when he was done speaking, no doubt waiting for me to throw a fit. He knew how much I hated gifts and/or handouts, and he had to be aware that my dislike for Phil was even worse. I can only assume that he had to know how poorly I would receive a handout _from_ Phil. I started to speak, but was once again cut off by Charlie.

"Before you freak out, I think you should know that Phil insisted. I tried to tell him it wasn't a good idea, but he said that you didn't exactly own the appropriate clothing for the Pacific Northwest. He also said that he was the reason you were sent up here and that he felt it was unfair that you and I get stuck with the financial burden. It was a shit move shipping you off and it this money thing was a bit offensive but I got the impression that he didn't mean it that way. I hate to say it, but Phil seems like a pretty decent guy and like he wasn't exactly thrilled with Renee's decision."

The long speech from Charlie, while impressive, only slightly calmed my ire. "Well, that didn't keep him from going along with it now did it?" I snapped. Charlie raised his eyebrow as he watched me slip the card into my pocket. I shrugged and said, "It's the least he could do. And sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. You're right."

"It's okay, Kid. Just don't let it happen again." I nodded. "Well, I'm off. The good people of Forks aren't going to protect themselves… You girls have fun today. Be safe and don't forget to call if you are gonna be out late."

Neither of us being comfortable with displays of affection, Charlie didn't give me a hug when he left. He simply said goodbye. He reached out to ruffle my hair but was stopped by Alice saying, "Chief, if you value your life, you wouldn't do that."

Fear flashed in Charlie's eyes and he pulled his hand back like there was a herculean tarantula/black widow/brown recluse/scorpion hybrid on my head. _There isn't, is there? Cause that shit is seriously scary._ My six foot two, physically fit, in the prime of his life, police chief of a father just got smacked down by a raven haired, and pale skinned Smurfette! Charlie is afraid of a girl! I tried to cover up my giggles by coughing, but judging by the redness of his cheeks, _Charlie blushes almost as much as I do sometimes,_ and the speed with which he fled the house, it didn't fool him.

~//~

Charlie barely had the door shut when my poorly disguised giggles became a full on, bellyaching, rib cracking laughing fit that had both Alice and myself doubled over. By the time we managed to somewhat contain ourselves, we were both clutching at the cabinetry to keep ourselves upright.

Another wave of laughter overtook me as I gasped out, "Oh…my….G-a-a-awd! Ha, ha, ha, ha… Did…ha, ha…you…see his…. he, he, ho… see his… face?" She was laughing so hard that she barely managed to nod.

Eventually we composed our selves and Alice announced that it was time to roll, "We ride."

"Aren't we going to wait for Rose?" I asked as I followed her outside, locking the front door behind me. Surely she wouldn't just leave her friend behind.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, it's just gonna be us today. Rose called while you were in the shower. Something came up."

"I hope it wasn't because of me coming along." We were almost to the silver car parked at the curb in front of my truck.

"Don't be absurd, Bella." Alice snickered and shook her head. Then she checked that the coast was clear before leaning towards me, covering her mouth with the back of her hand and conspiratorially and stage whispering, "Actually, Rose got caught out with Emmett last night. By 'out' I mean naked in the hot tub, and by 'with' I mean… with." Alice waggled her eyebrows at me with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Apparently they were having themselves a little hoedown at the old Hale place and decided to hold the rodeo portion of the evening in the hot tub." My eyes grew wide and my jaw dropped. She paused to take in my reaction and then smirked as she added, "Rosalie ain't goin' anywhere's for a while. Bitch is on lockdown and so is Emmett."

"How pissed were your parents?" Charlie would have been livid. Renee would most likely have held up a scorecard and then given tips for improving the performance.

Alice snorted. Delicate, waifish Alice snorted. And then did her best southern society matron impression. "Shame on you, Ms. Swan. You know Mummy Hale, uppity social climber," she muttered the uppity bit, "would never risk word of Rosalie's indiscretion getting around. Why it could tarnished the Hale name."

Alice had a delightfully evil and fully self-satisfied grin on her face, think Nicholson in The Witches of Eastwick, as she revealed her next little boot stomping tidbit. "Emmett ain't gettin' any. You see, our little Rosie has a bit of a temper and it seems Emmett earned himself a thrashing… or not as the case seems to be.

"While she was mounted up, gettin' her ride on, Emmett totally saw her parents coming up the drive, but was pretty close to finishing his 8 seconds. He didn't want Rose hopping off before he heard the buzzer so he didn't say anything. Ma and Pa Hale-Whitlock followed the smoke signals and arrived just in time to witness the gun blastin', boot stompin' Yee Haw!"

We were buckled up and on our way to Port Angeles as Alice finished her story. My eyes were now bugging out of my head and my mouth was still hanging open. I didn't know how to react. I started with incredulity. "You have got to be kidding me?" Alice shook her head; her grin was still in place. "That is the kind of shit you see on television, it doesn't happen in real life."

Alice kept her eyes on the road as she brought her flattened hand up beside her, palm facing forward and said, "God's honest truth."

"That is… I just… That would be fucking mortifying! Won't Rose be pissed that you told me?"

"Emmett and Rosalie aren't exactly discreet about their sex life except when it comes to the parentals, so it's doubtful. She might act huffy about it at first, but secretly she will be happy that you know who owns Emmett."

I was starting to get a little bit, scratch that… I was getting a lot nervous about meeting Rosalie.

~//~

Alice was either psychic or she could read minds because the next thing out of her mouth was, "She sounds like a possessive bitch, doesn't she?" I nodded. "She is." _Thanks, Alice. Way to make a girl feel better about meeting your friends. _"But don't let it put you off. She'll love you. It just takes a little time for her to warm-up to people, but once she does she is a great friend. The ice queen thing is just front; it's her way of feeling people out, seeing what they're made of."

I gave a premature sigh of relief and Alice continued in a rush, "I am not saying she isn't going to put you through the ringer because she will. Just take it with a grain of salt, toss a little sass back at her and you'll do fine. So, who's Phil?" She asked the question casually and then must have seen the look on my face because she quickly added, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I was just curious. You just looked so pissed off when Charlie brought him up that I thought maybe it would help to talk about it. It's really none of my business though, so… Sorry."

I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose. Just as I was about to speak Alice stole a sidelong glance at me and giggled. "What's so funny?" It came out a harsher than I had intended and I internally cringed before sneaking a peak at Alice.

She stared intently at the road ahead of us, all trace of amusement gone. "I wasn't laughing at you. It was nothing, really. It's just, you pinched your nose and I've never seen anyone else do that besides…" Alice bit her lip trying to decide whether or not to continue. "Edward does the same thing and it surprised me, was all."

"Oh." I felt a little stupid for overreacting. I probably owed her an explanation; it only seemed fair. We were just getting to know each other, yet Alice was giving herself so freely that it made me feel miserly. I couldn't help but worry that our friendship would be over before it really got a chance to get started if I continued to hold her at arms length. I didn't want to go through another year without a friend, especially in this desolate and boring place, so I decided to bite the bullet, take one for the team, etc.

"I guess I owe you an explanation." Alice started to protest, but I held up my hand to stop her. "No, Alice. It's only fair and regardless, I should probably talk to someone about it. I'm gonna give you the Reader's Digest version for now 'cause I don't have it in me just yet to go into all the dirty details. I'll tell you eventually, but I just need a little time. Is that okay?" _Is that enough?_ That's what I was really asking.

I don't know if Alice heard my unspoken question, but she nodded and I continued anyway. I prayed she wouldn't judge me because of Renee. "Yesterday I told you a little bit about how we moved around a lot. Well, the reason we moved around so much was because of Renee."

Alice listened patiently, only interjecting once or twice, as I gave her a quick rundown on how Renee went through men like other people went through socks, wasn't really there for me as I grew up and how I was had to play the role of mother to her. Then I told her about Phoenix and Phil coming along, before finally getting to the part about how I ended up in Forks.

"Two days?" Alice cried in outrage. "They only gave you two days after telling you before they shipped you off? That's bullshit!" I shrugged my shoulders and continued on. It was what it was and I couldn't do anything about it then or now.

"I spent my entire shitty childhood reminding myself that I just had to hold out until I was eighteen and then my life would be my own. You would think that I wouldn't be upset about her sending me away, but I am. It's yet another life-altering decision that she made, because of a man, without taking me into consideration. She gave me away just so she could follow another boyfriend across the country without having to feel guilty about leaving me alone. I was a ball and chain dragging her down, apparently.

"On top of it all, Alice, she got married yesterday, one day after I left. She didn't even want me to be there when she got married. And Phil just allowed all of this to happen. What kind of person does that? He just let her get rid of her only child to follow him around. She hasn't even called me."

"So that's why I have such an issue with Phil." I finished lamely. It had taken no more than ten minutes to get through it all; I gave her the _really_ condensed version.

Alice's face softened a little bit and she spoke tentatively, "You seem like you still really love Renee. What was your relationship like with her?"

I gave her a pained smile and squinted as I tried to find the words to explain my relationship with Renee; it was complicated. "You know how you have that one friend that just pisses you off and you can hardly stand them half the time but for some reason you are fiercely loyal to each other, closer to them than anyone else on earth and you know that they will always be your best friend even when they hurt you and you can't stand look at them much less talk to them?" Alice nodded with a smirk. "That's Renee and I."

"Edward and I are like that, only he's never done anything that bad." Alice smiled at me and I smile back honestly. She understood, maybe not totally, but still… it was nice.

~//~

The atmosphere inside the car was heavy. I looked around me as I tried to come up with something to say to lighten the mood and I finally took notice of the cars interior. "Sooooo, I didn't picture you for a Volvo type of girl."

"I'm not, but my car doesn't have much trunk space. This is Edward's car."

"Won't he be needing it?"

"Nope." There she went popping her 'p' again. Alice smiled as she continued to maneuver the car down the windy road.

I looked out the window and noticed the landscape that was passing us by much too rapidly as I glanced out the window. "Alice!" I shrieked. "How fucking fast are you going? Are you trying to kill us?" Sure, I wasn't exactly thrilled with being in forks, but I was just being overly dramatic the other day at the airport; I did not have a death wish.

Alice rolled her eyes at me and shook her head. _Bitch was doing_, I glanced at the speedometer, _nearly 100 mph and rolled her eyes at me_. "Relax, Bella. I always drive like this. Did you want to get to PA today?"

I gritted my teeth and clenched my hands on the leather seat. "Yes, but I would prefer to not have to call your parents, whom I have yet to meet, and explain to them why my father has you locked up in one of the jail cells down at the station."

"Radar detector, Bella. It's got a three mile radius." _She has an answer for everything, doesn't she?_

"The roads are wet. We could spin out of control and die." I was not giving up that easily.

"Great tires, traction control and Volvos have a full steel roll-cage. I am pretty sure that they have the highest rollover crash rating too." _Damn it all to hell. I think she might be right. Still..._

"Yeah, but I bet your brother," for some odd reason I could not bring myself to say his name, "would be awfully mad if you wrecked his shiny Volvo."

"He'd get over it. Besides, I drive way slower than him." I glared. "Okay, Grams. I'll slow down some. We're almost there anyways." Alice was true to her word. She slowed… some. 85 mph. I would take it.

"It's barely been thirty minutes. That's half the time it normally takes."

"I know. I was going twice as fast as the speed limit. Do the math, Brain."

"If I am Brain that makes you Pinky."

"Zonks!" I laughed at her and the lighthearted mood from earlier returned.

As the trees gave way to houses and then storefronts, Alice's story popped back into my head and I chuckled quietly. She drove like a bat out of hell, had way too much energy and really liked to shop but even I had to admit the girl was funny.

"So, Alice? You certainly used a lot of western euphemisms in your little story earlier. Come up with them all on your own?" She used a ridiculous amount of them, truth be told, and she didn't look like the horse or farm type. Too dirty. Plus, I didn't think she would caught dead in cowboy boots; I didn't think the 'western' look was in vogue anymore.

Alice didn't even look phased since she continued smiling as she answered me. "Nope. As soon as I found out I turned my television to CMT and downloaded some episodes of Bonanza onto my laptop. I practiced that god damn speech all night. It was some funny shit though, so it was worth it."

I nodded. Only Alice would research and rehearse a speech like that.

We pulled into the parking lot at the mall and Alice quickly found a parking spot… way in the back. "Alice, you know that there are parking spots open a little bit closer to the building, right?" The parking lot was practically empty.

"Yes."

"Okaaaay. So, we are parking in Siberia because….?"

"This car is Edward's baby. I would rather total the God damn thing than take it back to him with a scratch on it. Let's go." With that, we got out of the car and Alice dragged me with her towards the mall. We got to the doors just as they were being unlocked and Alice rushed inside.

Twelve plus hours, two blisters, countless shopping bags and three trips to the car to get rid of said shopping bags later we were finally pulling down my street. I had called Charlie earlier letting him know that I would be home around eight.

When Alice pulled up in front of house, Charlie turned on the lights in front of the garage and opened the front door. "You girls need help?"

"Nah, I think we got it Chief." Alice replied with a smile.

"Okay. Let me know if you change your mind, and I told you earlier that you can call me Charlie, Alice."

"I know." She gave him another smile. The girl was definitely a charmer. "Chief's just shorter."

Charlie laughed and walked back in the house. I rolled my eyes at the two of them. Alice caught me and asked, "What?"

"Oh, don't give me that innocent look. You have my father wrapped around your finger. He's too old for you and you have a boyfriend." It was her turn to roll her eyes a t me.

"Oh, please. It's not my fault if parents love me. And as far as your other little comment goes… it's wrong on so many different levels that I am not even going to dignify it with a comment." She said it with her nose in the air all superiorly.

I laughed and took the handful of bags that she handed me from the trunk. "Go put these in your room and then come back out. I think you have a few more."

I couldn't remember having ever purchased that many items, but I did as I was told. I tossed the bags on my bed and then went back out to the car only to have another armful of bags thrust at me. Alice shut the trunk and made her way over to the drivers said before I knew what was happening. I was too busy staring at the bags I was clutching trying to remember going to Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch and wherever else the other bags that I couldn't see to read were from.

"Okay, I'm off. It's supposed to be hot tomorrow, so everyone is coming to my house to go swimming. Be there at ten. Ciao!"

Before I could agree to go or ask about the bags, she was gone. Oh, well. I would just return any of Alice's bags, because they certainly weren't all mine, to her tomorrow. I trudged into the house and upstairs to my room. Exhaustion from a day of shopping with Alice was weighing me down and growing heavier with every step I took.

By the time I emptied my arms of my second load of bags, dropping them to the floor this time, I was done. I shoved aside the bags from my first trip upstairs that I had tossed onto the bed, making just enough room for my body, and then collapsed face first onto the soft mattress. I was out before my head had even hit the pillow.

Sometime during the night, I became vaguely aware of my shoes being slipped off before I felt the weight of a blanket settling over me and the lights being turned out. _Charlie. Dad._ _Love you._ I wasn't sure if the words were spoken in my head or if I had said them aloud but it ceased to matter as I drifted back into a deep, dreamless sleep.

~//~


	4. Chapter 3 The Gang's All Here

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns the characters and I certain plot points, I just own the manipulations.

**A/N: **Gotta give it up to my be-yotch SendMeAnEdward. Also, need to thank GoldenMeadow for all the support she sends my way and for being my inspiration behind the 'stache scene. Go read her shit. She gives good smut. You are so win, bb.

Thanks for all of you who added this to your story alerts and favorite stories and/or reviewed. It's nice to get feedback. You are so appreciated.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

**This week's rec's:**

You Get Me Closer To God by Americnxidiot- it is completed, and its good. Read anything she writes.  
Deconstructing Dracula by hmonster4

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Chapter 3- The Gangs All Here

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Singing Hail, Hail, the Gangs All Here.  
Leave your worries at the door boy, they're not going anywhere  
Hail, hail the gang's all here  
When the going gets tough, I know my friends will still be there

Well you're walking down the road and the wind is in your face  
You're down and out and the unemployment line's a mile long  
The money in your pocket may not get you through the day  
But cheer up son I know a place where mugs like us belong

- _The Gangs All Here_, The Dropkick Murphys

~//~

Making my way carefully down the path, it took me most of an hour to reach the meadow. I stood at the edge of the forest for a moment, taking it all in. It was as beautiful in the moonlight as it was in the daytime. _When was the last time I was here and was he with me or was I alone?_ At that moment I honestly couldn't remember, but I knew it had been a long time.

We used to spend hours together here_. I still remember the first time I was here, when he shared the meadow with me_… I stopped the memory before I could be lost in it. I wasn't quite ready to delve into that memory just yet; it would drown me.

**~//~**

**Five Years Earlier**

I awoke the morning after my shopping trip with Alice amidst a mess of shopping bags. At some point during my tossing and turning I had even managed to get a few bags tangled around my flailing arms. _I was lucky that I didn't asphyxiate myself in my sleep._ I groaned and looked at the clock, 9:00 am, just as my phone beeped from… somewhere.

Shit! I had to be at Alice's in an hour and I still needed to shower and eat and locate my bathing suit. _Did I bring my bathing suit?_ When I left Phoenix, I had left behind a bunch of clothes that I deemed unsuitable for life in Forks and I was pretty sure that the bathing suit stayed. I would have to worry about it later. Right now I needed to locate my phone.

Without the damn thing I wouldn't be able get directions to her house and I couldn't just show up since I didn't know where she lived and I wouldn't be able let her know I wouldn't be coming cause I couldn't call her... I needed to stop; I was going in circles and getting no where.

I started to frantically search my room for my phone. _Please beep again. Come on, beep!_ Just as I started dumping the contents of my shopping bags into a big pile in the center of my room I heard a loud beep emanating from somewhere on my bed.

I looked at the clock again, 9:05. _Had it really been only five minutes?_ I dismissed the thought, pounced on my bed and starting throwing things off. Quilt- tossed towards the chair in the corner. My Little Pony comforter- thrown in the direction of the closet. Pillows- one hit the door, the other hit the wall next to the bookshelf. _Thud!_ _Hmmm? What the… _

I rushed over to the pillow that was now laying on the floor by my bookshelf and shoved my hand inside the case and felt around. I wrapped my hand around a thin rectangular shape and prayed. 'Please don't be broken. 'Please, please, please work. I promise I will never drop you again.' _ Lie. _The screen was blank when I pulled it out and I held my breath as I pushed the 'lock' button on the side to wake it up.

To my relief it turned on revealing I had three new… _beep… _four new texts. I hit the 'lock' button again to unlock it and then pressed the prompt on the screen that would open up my messages as I went into the bathroom. I turned the water on and while I waited for it to warm up I read through, oldest to newest, and replied to my texts, all from Alice.

I didn't bother grabbing any clothes or my robe to take with me into the bathroom. Charlie wasn't home and I was in a hurry.

B-

Don't forget, my house 10:00.

-A

B-

R U awake? You didn't reply.

Don't make me come over there.

Wakey, wakey Sleeping Bella!

- A

B-

Ok. U R awake but what does Cu rr8 b00b

Mean?

- A

I quickly scrolled to my sent messages to see what she was talking about and sure enough there it was-

**A-**

**Cu rr8 b00b**

**- B**

I checked the water, hot, and quickly scrolled back to Alice's last message as I undressed.

B-

Better b n shower. Wear the blue

bathing suit in the Victoria's Secret

Bag.

- A

Bathing suit? Victoria's Secret? I know I did not buy a bathing suit yesterday and I most certainly did not buy anything from Victoria's Secret. "Alice!" I said her name like an expletive. We had already had this conversation, just yesterday in fact.

As I was about to step into the shower, my phone beeped again alerting me of a new text. I tapped 'Read It Now' and the message appeared on the screen.

B-

Looked thru ur suitcase when u were n shower

yesterday & noticed u had no suit. It was ½ off

U can $ me l8r if u must. Just wear it.

- A

I quickly replied and jumped into the shower.

**A-**

**Fine. But I am $ing u back. Text directions.**

**- B**

I washed and conditioned my hair with the new strawberry scented products that Alice and I had picked out and then used the freesia body wash that I found at some boutique that she drug me to in downtown Port Angeles. I shaved every surface of my body and only cut myself three times. Not bad for how quickly I went, but I was going to have to consider Alice's offer to giver me her aestheticians number.

Waxing might be painful, but at least there is no blood or risk of scarring.

I turned the water off, stepped out and wrapped myself in a towel before hurrying across the hall to my room. I closed the door behind and me and then leaned back against it and stared at the mound of yesterdays purchases that that I had dumped on the floor. I looked at the clock, 9:35 am.

Rather than search aimlessly for a bikini in a pile of clothes and empty bags, I decided that the fastest method to locate the bathing suit would be to locate the Victoria's Secret bag and hope that it wasn't one of the many whose contents were now gracing my floor.

I found the pink striped bag almost immediately on the far side of the bed. That it was shoved halfway underneath the bed is the only thing that saved it from joining the pile. I took the bottom of the bag in both hands and turned it over spilling across my bed several pink tissue paper wrapped packages, a pair of white Bermuda shorts, a midnight blue halter top, and a white terry cloth _something_.

I could only assume that Alice had picked these clothes out for me to wear today because they were my size. _Alice strikes again._ 9:40 am. Fuck. Any other day I would find something else to wear, but time was in short supply and I was in a hurry. Alice was going to get her way.

I grabbed one of the pink clad items and examined it. I saw that the tissue paper had just been wrapped around the item and then the loose end secured with tape so I grabbed the loose end, pulled the tape free and let the item unroll itself.

I repeated the action until all of the items had been removed from their pink covers before standing back to get a census of the items Alice was trying to force on me. Three matched bra and panty sets, two pajama sets and what looked like a few scraps of midnight blue fabric that were held together with long pieces of string made from the same fabric. I picked it up delicately and examined it with my all scrunched up.

This was the bikini that Alice picked out for me! It looked like a prehistoric slingshot made from Lycra. I couldn't wear something like this. I mean I guess it was cute, in a Girls Next Door sort of way, but I wasn't the Playmate type and I certainly didn't have the body for it. I didn't really have any other options and I was out of time so I sucked it up and slipped it on making sure to double knot it before tying each of the four bows.

_I could do this, I could wear this._ It's not like we were going to be at a public pool or beach. We would be in Alice's backyard. I took a moment and looked in the full length mirror on the wall making sure that all of my bits and pieces were covered. I looked at myself from several different angles and was shocked at how flattering the style actually was on me. I looked okay. No, I looked pretty fuckin' good. I was still plain, boring Bella but the fit gave me the appearance of having more curves than really I did.

Glancing at the clock again, 9:50 am. I quickly slipped on the bermudas and the top that Alice picked out and topped it all off with what ended up being a _white terry cloth_ swim cover-up since it was still early and more than likely a little chilly outside. The cover-up was actually pretty cute. It fell just past mid thigh on me, had cap sleeves, a zipper down the front and a draw string at the empire waist. I tied the drawstring but left it unzipped so that the bottom half fanned around me.

I grabbed a book that I had started reading recently, my sunblock and change of clothes since I didn't know how late I would be there and didn't exactly relish wearing a wet bathing suit all day. I shoved it all into a beach tote, slipped on my navy chucks and I was ready to roll. As I walked to my truck I checked the time again, 9:55 am, and called Charlie at the station to let him know my plans. I was going to be late getting to Alice's, but hopefully not by much. S_urely nothing in Forks was more than ten minutes away. _

~//~

I was wrong… again.

It took me forever to find the turnoff for the Cullen's house. The drive was so well hidden between two enormous ivy smothered hemlocks that I drove past it four times finally catching the break in the trees out of the corner of my eye.

The well worn gravel road seemed to go on forever and the dense trees bordering it made it look as if the forest was going to swallow it up. I drove along the winding road for nearly three miles before the trees started to thin out and then finally recede.

The road began a gentle incline as it left the forest and the view when it finally crested the shallow hill a half mile later was as unexpected as it was breathtaking. Surrounded on all sides by the Olympic National Forest was a grassy valley somewhat rectangular in shape.

The driveway continued on for a ways and then looped back onto itself in front of a sprawling, white, three story house with a covered wrap-around porch situated in one corner. To the left of the house, attached by a covered walkway was a large multi-bay garage and to the right was a wide creek that arched out of the forest, angled towards the house before turning sharply away and meandering across the valley.

It was overwhelming and too much for me to take in. I didn't belong here. Had it not been for Alice bouncing in anticipation as she waited for me on the front porch steps, I would have followed the driveway as it looped around and sent you back out the way you came. _I swear she is always bouncing._

It was 10:30 by the time I parked my truck in front of the farthest bay of the garage as Alice indicated and got out. She bounded up to me and threw her arms around me in greeting. I giggled at her exuberance and shyly hugged her back.

"You're finally here!" She squealed. "It took you long enough. What did you do, get lost!"

I blushed slightly and shifted my eyes to the ground at my feet. Alice didn't say anything at my silent confirmation, but I had a feeling she would be teasing me about it later. "Wow. This is, uh… some house, Alice. It makes my house look like a shoebox."

Alice grasped my hand and pulled me behind her towards the house brushing my comment off. "Eh, it keeps the rain off our heads. Come on. Everybody's inside in the game room. They are really excited to meet you."

I hit the skids. "What? Wait! Who's everybody, Alice?" I looked at the front of the house, clearly panicked.

"Easy, Bells. Relax. The whites of your eyes are showing. It's just my brothers and my parents, who live here, by the way, so you were going to have to meet them sooner or later… and-Jazz-and-Rose." Alice said the last part under her breath.

I thought I saw a curtain move in one of the downstairs windows but I couldn't be sure as the sun glinting off the window blurred my vision with a flash of… bronze? Why did that seem familiar? My distraction caused me to miss the last thing she had said. "What was that Alice?"

"I said that it's just my parents and my two…"

"The last part."

"Oh, I just said JazzandRosewerealsohere." She had my full attention but said it too fast for me to comprehend.

"What?"

"Jazz and Rose are here also." Panic. _What was this the Spanish fucking Inquisition I was walking?_

"I thought Rose was…"

"Her mom let her out of the house early. She's pretty persuasive." If the knowing look and smirk on her face weren't enough for me to get the implication, then the wink at the end would have done the job.

"So even her mother can't tolerate her bitchiness?" Alice started chuckling at my comment.

"I'm not bitchy, I'm persuasive," said a low and seductively feminine voice behind me; her tone was sharp enough to cut steel. I froze instantly, a look of horror on my face. _Oh, fuck!_ Cringing internally, I turned around to face Rosalie Hale. "I _persuaded _Mommy Dearest to let me out of the house and in exchange I wouldn't tell my father that she has been fucking the gardener."

Fully facing her now, I lifted my eyes from the ground and… the only explanation I have for the words t that came out of my mouth next is that I was completely dumbfounded by the girl, nee woman standing in front of me in all her glory. Alice was gorgeous, but Rosalie was stunning; Alice was a pixie, a sprite while Rosalie was a goddess, an amazon… _a glamazon?_ My mouth was hanging open as I gaped at her daftly.

It couldn't have been more than five seconds that I stood there like that; just long enough for Alice to move out from behind me to stand at beside her friend. Aside from the fact they were easily the most beautiful people I had ever see, Alice and Rosalie were as different as night and day. Side by side they presented a study in contrasts. Tiny, dark haired Alice was a ball of energy whose friendliness bowled you over vs. tall, golden haired Rosalie who was cool, collected, aloof and had an air of haughtiness around her that made you keep your distance.

My body snapped out of the it's daze a few seconds before my brain did, but it was enough time to allow me to blurt out, "Wouldn't that be blackmail then?" Fire flashed through Rosalie's eyes and her jaw tensed. _Sweet baby Jesus, please tell me that that did not just come out of my mouth. _ Where was my filter? Five seconds into our acquaintance and I am insulting her.

It wasn't so much what Rosalie said to me, as it was how she said it that left my emotions all jumbled. _I sound like a shrew yelling at her husband. Next thing I know I am going to be saying, 'If you don't know why I am mad at you, I am not going to tell you.' _ She looked right past me, shrugged her shoulders and said, "Po-tay-toh, Pa-tah-toh."

She then crossed her arms across her chest and promptly turned her attention to Alice; no longer acknowledging my presence. I had just been summarily dismissed by Her Royal Bitchiness. I stood there awkwardly, fidgeting and shifting my weight back and forth, probably too often, while they had a brief conversation that Rose made it clear I was not a part of. Alice kept shooting me slightly amused, sympathetic smiles to keep me from feeling as uncomfortable and unwelcome as her friend was determined to make me feel.

The longer I stood there the frostier the temperature seemed to get as Rose progressed from ignoring me to looking at me with open hostility every time Alice turned to smile at me. Up to this point Alice hadn't seemed to be bothered by her friends' behavior, but her concern and confusion were becoming obvious as she shifted her gaze between Rosalie and myself.

I continued fidgeting and shifting my weight but as I became more disconcerted and started seriously contemplating running to my truck and just going home, I began bouncing ever so slightly on the balls of my feet. This ridiculous behavior of mine couldn't have gone on for more than a minute before the wrath of an annoyed and pissed off Rosalie was visited upon me.

She turned to me in a huff, her blue eyes even more piercing as she narrowed them on me, and spat, "Jesus Christ! What the fuck is your problem? Do you have to take a piss or something? For fucks sake! How old are you, five? Just fucking ask where the bathroom is or stand the fuck still!"

I blanched and, to my embarrassment, tears began to pool in my eyes while Rose continued to glare at me, her expression murderous. _This seemed to be going well._

"What the fuck is _your_ problem, Rose? What the fuck was that?" Alice didn't bother giving Rose a chance to answer. "That was un-fucking-acceptable, is what that was. I can't… fuck. I am at a complete loss here. I think you owe Bella and apology, now." The blond scoffed and then snorted as she shook her head in disbelief.

"You can apologize or you can go home, Rose." Alice paused and looked at Rose menacingly. Rose looked back and forth between Alice and me in disbelief while I did the same thing only looking between her and Alice. "It's up to yo…"

This confrontation was going nowhere good, I had to say something. I could live without friends, but I couldn't afford to have enemies. _Especially enemies like Rosalie._ Taking measured breaths as I fought to keep my voice from cracking, I spoke up.

"Really, it's okay. I think I am just going to head home, Alice." My head down avoiding eye contact, _I wouldn't let that bitch see me cry,_ as I carefully, _I wouldn't let her see me stumble either,_ started to make my way towards my truck. "I have a ton of stuff I need to do anyways. I'll-uh… um, I will call you later."

Alice grabbed my wrist as I started to move past her, preventing me from escaping. _Someone had their Wheaties for breakfast today. _"No, Bella. _ You _are my guest and everyone is really looking forward to meeting you. Come…" she glared at Rose "…with me."

Pulling me behind her, Alice started to walk us toward the front steps. As we stepped onto the porch, she looked over her left shoulder at Rose and said, "When you decide you can play nice, why don't you join us inside."

Alice never faltered as Rose stormed off towards the garage, muttering loudly, she just continued hauling me across the front porch and to the front door. I braced myself to be confronted by a swarm of people as she opened the front door and pulled me across the threshold. I looked around with confusion, warily, when the door shut behind us and we were met with silence.

I barely had a chance to register that we were alone or take in my surroundings before Alice had her arms around me in a hug. "I am so sorry, Bella. You must have thought I was throwing you to the wolves. I don't know what's come over, Rose. She has honestly never acted like that before."

Alice paused for a moment as she pulled away to look at me only to pull me back in to her for another hug. Releasing me with a firm squeeze, she grabbed my hand and started to pull me further into the house. As we exited the large entryway I came to an abrupt halt and gaped. The house looked like something out of some magazine with a name like Upscale Living or Fine Homes.

The floors were a stunningly rich espresso brown marble with veins of gold running through it and the walls were a shade lighter with crown molding in a deep burnished gold. To our left was passed a grand staircase with an ornate wrought iron handrail capped in dark wood that lazily spiraled up and overlooked the formal cream on cream sitting room to our right.

Pulling me a little further, the hallway came to a 'T' directly in front of the dining room. We paused here and Alice morphed into an airline stewardess as she quickly pointed out where everything was. "If you go straight to the door at the end of the hallway it will take you to the laundry room and another door that leads to the covered walkway to the garage.

"The door on the left side of that hall goes into my father's study/library. The entryway to the right goes into the kitchen which can also be accessed through the dining room. Come with me."

She pulled me down the hall to the right. "The den" she said as we passed an entry on our left side. At the end of the hall were two flights of stairs one going up and one going down. Alice pointed at the set going down. "Down goes to the game room and the wine cellar." She pointed at the other set of stairs. "We hardly ever use the main staircase. We usually use these."

She pointed at the door on the right side of the hall before the stairs. "Bathroom."

"Alice, I don't need to go to the bathroom, I was just nervous and fidgeting and couldn't seem to keep still…"

She smirked at me and then laughed. "I thought you might need a moment before we go downstairs to meet everyone."

~//~

Gratitude.

Eternal adoration.

God, or whomever, bless Alice. I didn't know what to say so I just mumbled a hasty 'Thank you' and blushed as I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I leaned against the door for a moment and took a deep, and hopefully calming, _it wasn't_, breath before moving to the sink. I continued taking the deep breaths that I had learned when Renee decided to try yoga a couple years ago as I peered at the mousy girl in the mirror.

I couldn't do much about my looks or my still flushed, _and certain to be even more flushed once I got to the game room,_ facebut at least you couldn't tell that I had been on the verge of crying. My eyes looked a little glossy but that could easily pass for excitement. The deep breathing was starting to help a bit but I was still not ready to leave my sanctuary.

To buy some time I turned on the cold water and splashed a little on my overheated cheeks. I could hear Alice pacing on the other side of the door over the sound of the running water. I was positive she was trying to let me have as much time as I needed get myself together, but it sounded like her impatience was starting to get the best of her and she did say her parents were leaving soon.

My reprieve was up. I turned off the water, wiped my hands on the underside of the frilly hand towel next to the sink trying not to muss it and, steeling my nerves, opened the door and stepped into the hall hopefully prepared for the upcoming meet and greet.

Alice smiled and tried to project enough enthusiasm for both of as she asked, _way too cheerfully,_ "Ready?" _No._

I wasn't, but knowing how much it meant to her, I would do it. After all my years of keeping my distance, and despite the fact that my time in Forks with these people was limited, I was somewhat surprised to realize how badly I too wanted this friendship. I guess I was doing this for me as well as Alice.

I plastered a smile on my face and nodded my head not trusting that my voice wouldn't betray my nervousness. She looked at me shrewdly with narrowed eyes so I grabbed her hand and, hoping to urge her forward before my one remaining nerve gave out, _in about five seconds, _said, "Lead the way."

Any effort I put into trying to sound nonchalant and blasé was wasted when it came out as a squeak. Alice looked like she was about to pull the plug on the whole thing and, as much as I wanted that to happen, I wanted her friendship more, so I shrugged my shoulders and gestured for her to start steppin'. She looked up at me, questioning, 'Are you sure?' I nodded, 'Yes.' She shrugged, 'Fine. If you say so.'

Silent conversation over, she grabbed my hand and lead me down the dimly lit stairs. As we descended I could detect the glow of a lamp coming from somewhere to the left of the stair landing. The odd orange light it cast made the irrational thought that I was descending to the fiery pits of hell pop into my mind. I choked back the maniacal laughter prompted by the unbidden thought and focused instead on not falling.

As we reached the bottom of the stairs I took another deep breath and prayed to God and Allah and Buddha and Krishna and whoever else would listen to please not let me screw this up. With one final step and a firm squeeze of my hand from Alice, we cleared the landing and stepped into the game room.

Aside from the four pairs of eyes that snapped to us in one motion, all movement ceased and the room went quiet. The silence was so profound that I was certain my pounding heartbeat was surely audible to all present and my cheeks flamed. I barely lifted my eyes and looked around the room. To the right on a couch sat the friendly looking faces of a man and a woman who were clearly Alice's parents. They were both very attractive, but appeared to be much younger than I had imagined.

At the pool table in the middle of the room were two boys. The one closest to me with the blond hair I recognized from the pictures Alice had shown me yesterday to be Rosalie's brother, Jasper. I had to look up a bit more to see the other boy as he was farther away as well as taller than Jasper. My eyes quickly swept up his form,_ damn was he built, _I wondered which brother this was?

I slowed down as I got to his face, starting with his chin I worked my way upwards. I was really hoping that this wasn't Emmett. His mouth, lifted at the moment in a goofy grin, looked soft. The dimples on either side were... well, let's just say that to call his dimples very attractive would be an understatement, they were so, so hot. I finally came to his bluer than they had a right to be eyes and… gasped!

~//~

_Jesus, Mary and Joseph and God, Buddha, Allah and Krishna too, for that matter, fuck me! What the fuck kind of karma is this? I have been a good person, a decent person and this is what I get. Holy fucking hell! Hell… ha, ha, ha! Shit. Alice's brother is the hottie with the 'fuck me' dimples from the airport… the one that has starred in more than one of my naughty dreams. _ My face was positively aflame at this point.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any redder, it did as Alice's unnamed, blue eyed brother lifted the hand holding his pool cue and gave the kind of awkward wave that I would expect to see from a chubby fisted two year old but not a grown man. _At least I hoped he was full grown cause…. Day-um!_

All eyes went from me to him and then back to me with speculation before Alice's face wrinkled up and she blurted out the obvious, "You guys have already met."

I was certain it was an accusation but was unsure if she was making it through a question or a statement. My gaze swept over every face in the room frantically, '_Help! You know I need somebody. Help!' Really? This is where my mind goes. WTF is wrong with me?,_ before finally coming to rest on Alice. I looked like a fish as I opened and shut my mouth repeatedly, hoping each time words might come out instead of air.

Thank god the dimpled linebacker… _Maybe tight-end? Not sure. Note to self: Check out heiney. No, don't check it out, he is off limits... _came to my rescue. "Nope." He popped the 'p'. _What is it with this family and popping their 'p's? _His sister's brows wrinkled even more in confusion.

"I saw her almost land on her face as she was getting out of a plane at the Port Angeles Airfield on Wednesday. She caught me laughing at her." He chuckled at the memory and shook his head.

Alice turned her head to me seeking confirmation. She got it when I blushed further and resumed looking at the floor. Thankful that I had left my hair down today, I allowed it to fall forward shielding my face so that I could continue watching the scene unfolding in front of me. _So this is what a happy normal family looks like. _I felt like a sociologist or behavioralist.

"Emmett!" Alice and her mother both said in unison. _Ah, Emmett. Damn. Shut up, Bella! Now he is even more off-limits. He's HRB's man and Ali's bro. _

Mrs. Cullen gave her son one last look of admonishment, but it was too full of indulgence to be effective. "Gah! You act like you were raised by a pack of wolves." Not that it mattered since Emmett, goofy grin never wavering for a second, ignored it regardless.

Turning her attention to me she rolled her eyes said, "I swear that he was taught manners." She stepped towards me and pulled me in for a hug, _Touchy, feely family aren't they?,_ which I returned awkwardly. She released me and stepped back. "It's nice to meet you, Bella. Alice has been talking about you non-stop, so it feels like I already know you."

It was Alice's turn to blush. "Mo-om!"

I laughed and inclined my head in acknowledgement of her comment and to allow my hair to once again hide my pink cheeks. "It's nice to meet you as well, Mrs. Cullen. Alice, at least, has done you justice. There's no denying she was raised well." And there wasn't.

"Call me Esme or Mom like everyone else does." Her smile was gentle and warm… _Everything a mother's smile was supposed to be_. I felt flicker of pain in my chest but forced myself to ignore it. "And this…" indicating the attractive blond man standing slightly behind and to her right, "…is Carlisle."

Carlisle stepped forward and gave me a hug as well. _Awwwwkward! _ "Pleasure to meet you, Bella. It's always nice to meet a friend of Alice's. I see your dad on occasion at the hospital for work. Charlie's a hell of a guy. Good at his job too." My pink cheeks became red once again.

"Yeah, he's great." I agreed. "Nice to meet you too, Doc… er, Carlisle."

Alice took charge of the situation again. "You already met Em and that is Jasper playing pool with him." I waved after she pointed Jasper out. With her mouth was still open as if to speak, she paused and looked around. "Where's Edward?"

"He was upstairs when we came down here," Jasper said. "I thought you would have seen him on your way through."

Alice shook her head at him and then looked at me. "Oh, well. He is probably upstairs brooding about something. You'll just have to meet him later."

Carlisle clapped his hands together, breaking the silence, and chafing them said, "Well, kids… We gotta run, but have fun. Al, Em, we will be home tomorrow afternoon sometime. You know how to reach us if you need anything. Behave!" He emphasized both syllables and looked directly at Emmett before turning back to me.

"Bella, it was nice to meet you. Feel free to stay over tonight if you want or if it gets too late. We would hate to have something happen to you while driving home at night and there's plenty of room. Either way, don't be a stranger. We should have you and your dad over for dinner sometime" Esme nodded in agreement.

"I am sure Charlie would like that. Uh, thank you."

Esme gave both her children and Jasper a hug telling them she loved them and would see them tomorrow. She started to follow her husband up the stairs but paused as she passed me and took my hand in hers with a smile. Giving it a good squeeze she caught my eye and said simply, "Bella."

She didn't need to say anything more than that; it was all there in her eyes. I understand. I am sorry. If you need someone, I am here. I could feel the tears starting and tried to avert my eyes, but she was having none of it. She cupped my chin in her free hand and looked at me for a brief moment before pulling into a tight hug. I sobbed silently and she held me until my tears dried up and then, giving me a squeeze and a kiss on my temple, she released me and went back upstairs.

Her voice drifted behind her, "Have fun and be safe. We love you." This time, I felt included.

~//~

It was my guess that Alice had told Esme all the confessions I made to her yesterday, but I couldn't find it in me to be angry with her. I felt a little bit lighter and decided that I liked Esme. I wiped at my clumsily at eyes and then, remembering that I wasn't alone in the room, looked up in embarrassment. Alice, Jasper and Emmett, looking like the epitome of discretion, were huddled together by the pool table with their backs to me discussing something quietly while Emmett idly rolled the balls around in the rack.

I walked towards Alice and said, "Hey. What's up?"

They all turned to me with grins, but without any of the awkwardness I was expecting.

"I'm gonna run up and take the cover off of the pool." Emmett said to no one in particular as he started for the stairs. Alice caught his eye as he left and he nodded almost imperceptibly just before he disappeared.

We listened to his footsteps until they disappeared and plunged the room into quiet. Curious about their exchange, I looked at Alice and raised my eyebrows. _I was actually trying to raise just one of them, but I still haven't mastered that skill. _ She smiled sweetly at me and then went back to gazing lovingly into Jaspers ignoring my question. _Disgusting_. _And rude_.

I couldn't handle the oppressive silence any longer. "Do you think Emmett needs help with the pool cover? Maybe I should, uh, I don't know give him a hand or something?" I scratched my head.

Alice cutely guffawed. _Who looks cute when chortling like an ape with its mouth agape? Not me, but apparently Alice freaking Cullen does. I would hate her if she wasn't so damn nice. "_Bell, I don't think you'd be much help with the cover. I think Emmett would end up being the one help… you… out of the pool."

I glared. _Bitch thinks she's funny._ Jasper was chuckling too, but I couldn't tell if it was at her words or at his girlfriend for laughing over such a ridiculously unfunny joke. _Sounds like a case of sour grapes… _She was really laughing now and the more I glared the harder she laughed. Of course, by the time I realized this I was laughing as well which served effectively to make me forget that I was supposed to be mad at her.

When the hysterics died down, Alice walked over to some built in storage cabinets and opened a few doors. She pulled things out of it, placing them in a pile at her feet. When she had found everything she wanted she closed up the doors, gathered them up and plopped the stack down on the pool table in front of jasper.

She batted her eyelashes at him. "Jazz, honey, will you please take these up to the pool and inflate them? You'll have to ask Em where the pump is since he was the last one to use it and never puts anything back."

He winked at me over her head and I smirked back startled by my sudden confidence. Jasper was every bit as insanely gorgeous as Alice had said he was, the pictures she showed me didn't do him justice, but he was so easy to be around that I wasn't my normal shy, blushing self.

"I don't know. What's in it for me, darlin'?" he drawled, his words heavy with innuendo.

_Scratch that. Now, I was blushing._ I detected a trace of a southern accent in his voice and it suddenly struck me that this was the first time Jasper had spoken since Alice and I had entered the room. _Hot._ Alice was right about his voice too.

Alice winked at me like, 'Watch this. Game, set, match.', but I turned away to give them some privacy. _,_ when I heard Alice say, "I don't think you should be worrying about what's in for you, Jazz. You should be worrying about what's _in_ me."

If she was going for seductive, she achieved it. _Hell, I was considering jumping her if Jasper didn't. _ That wasn't going to be a problem though. Jasper gasped and then I heard some rustling followed by a soft moan, not sure who's, but I didn't stick around to find out. _I just about choked on my own spit, and may have puked in my mouth a little as well. _I quietly, and as discreetly as possible, fled up the stairs and wondered down the hallway.

I stood in the open area in front of the dining room where the halls joined up with my arms crossed over my chest wondering what to do while they were occupied, selfishly hoping that they would hurry the fuck up already. I hadn't been standing there long when I heard a slightly muffled, 'mmpff' behind me. I whirled around, almost falling with my gracefulness, to find Rosalie standing there, her pose almost mimicking mine. She sighed.

"Let me guess, those two are down there sucking face aren't they?"

Her jaw was tense and she still looked like she would rather be given a root canal sans novacaine, but her tone was less sharp than before. I just nodded in response, not wanting to risk pissing her off by talking. She sighed again and I braced myself for whatever she was about to say. I was stunned by what actually came out of her mouth. _Stunned that it wasn't another verbal attack on me… directly._

"Well, I guess I'll go break up the two lovebirds. Can't have you just standing around doing nothing or you'll be wanting me to entertain you." She managed to get her last sentence out with only a trace of venom in her voice and then she walked down the hall to the stairs.

I heard her voice followed by Ali and Jaspers but I couldn't make out the words. I wasn't that interested in knowing though, so I didn't put too much effort into eavesdropping. Soon enough, they all came trudging up the stairs. First came Alice and Jasper, both looking slightly rumpled and grumpy at being caught or disturbed, it was hard to tell which, followed by Rose who looked absolutely delighted to have interrupted their tête-à-tête. _Note to self: Rose is evil. As if I hadn't already determined that. Thanks Captain Obvious._

Alice's composure still seemed to be in tact though, so whatever Rose had interrupted couldn't have been too far along. Acting perfectly normal, and by normal I mean like a feminine Napoleon, _they were the same height more or less, _she started shouting out orders. Jasper, on the other hand, was standing there with his arms full of what looked like flotation devices and a beach ball looking a bit frustrated and glaring at his sister so maybe I was wrong.

"Rose and I are going to run upstairs and change. Bella go get your bag…" My cell phone beeped. "…check your phone and meet us in my room. Second floor, first door down on your right. Use the stairs by the bathroom. Jazz, find Em, get changed, find the pump, and get to the pool and inflate the floats."

We all stood there staring at little Stalin.

"Well move! I don't know why everybody is just standing around here? We don't have all day!" Alice cried.

"Actually, I believe we do, Alice."

"You believe we do have what, Rose?"

"All day."

You had to admire her bravery. _Or be in awe of her stupidity._ Steam came out of Alice's ears.

"M-O-V-E!"

For all of her talk, I noticed that Rosalie wasn't disobeying Alice's orders. The three of us snapped to and it turned into a veritable Three Stooges episode as Larry, Curly and I scrambled in three different direction- Jasper through the dining room and out to the pool, Rosalie turned and made her way up the stairs behind her and, at the same time, I moved towards the front door, let myself out and went to my truck.

~//~

Opening my truck door, I grabbed my bag and heard my phone beep again reminding me I had a text. I took it out of my pocket and was surprised to see that it was from… Charlie. For a man who thought that computers were way too complicated and believed that the information superhighway was some road outside of his jurisdiction, texting was a remarkable feat. _Hell, owning a cell phone at all was a feat, until two years ago he made carry a walky-talky when I wasn't with him during our trips. _

Following the prompts I opened and read it.

B-

Carlisle and Esme called. Said it was ok for

you to stay over. Let me know if you stay.

Fishing early tomorrow. Home late.

- Dad

I quickly replied.

Dad-

Copy that. Will do. Over and out.

- B

Bag in hand, I shut my truck's door and headed up to Alice's room on the second floor, knocking when I arrived at what I thought was the correct door. HRB opened it, the same bored expression from earlier on her face, wearing a sheer tunic that cinched in right under her bust, revealing her red string bikini. I lost a little more confidence seeing her, but I would never let her know that.

She stepped aside when she saw it was me, pointed to where I could only assume Alice was at and then closed the door behind us trapping in a room that was easily the size of the first floor of my house. I started to look around the room, but was immobilized by the sight in front of me.

With an entire back wall of glass the room was like a picture frame capturing the sweeping vista of white, blue and green that was the snowcapped Olympic Mountains as they sat like a cherry atop the almost black green of the encroaching forest. It was epic and all 'purple mountains majesty'-ish, _which I don't really understand because I have never seen purple mountains and they were actually blue. _

With HRB still next to me, _WTF, were we having a moment?, _we stood there, me gawking, her looking smug, until years of watching PBS due to not having cable came back to haunt me and the gloriously 'fro-ed Bob Ross's mellower than mellow yellow voice popped up in my head saying something about painting 'a happy little bush' over there, a 'happy little bird' up in the sky, and maybe adding 'a fluffy little cloud' too. _Smoke much, Bob?_

Almost simultaneously, we stepped away from the door and then away from each other as we headed in opposite directions. I walked towards to the open door in the center of the wall ahead of me that wherein I presumed I would find Alice. Hearing Rosalie's footsteps halt after just a few steps I stole a peak at her from over my shoulder to see what she was doing. I wasn't surprised to find her preening like a peacock in front of a massive gilt framed mirror on the wall. _Vanity, thy name is Rosalie._

I rolled my eyes and walked through the door to find Alice, already dressed in a bright pink bikini with a matching sarong tied low around her hips, standing in a space that was the same depth as her bedroom but divided in two. To my left was a ridiculously large, ridiculously full but organized walk-in closet, _Maybe those shoes from the first day of freshman year were in there, _while the immediate space was a rather large, rather lavish bathroom with a solid wall of glass the same as the bedroom.

As soon as I walked in the sneaky little sprite asked, "So, what'd the Chief say?"

"You knew?" The huge ass grin on her face and the glint in her eyes should have given her away. _I was starting to think of that as her 'scheming face'._

She nodded giddily. "It was my idea. Since my parents were going to be gone, I thought it would be fun to have a Margarita Madness pool party, just the gang and me, so don't freak out. Anyway, I thought it would be easier to get you to have a few drinks with us if you were staying over… You do drink, right?" I nodded and Alice continued narrating her train of thought. "And then I thought it would be easier to get you to stay over if you already have the Chief's blessing."

"Simple as that?"

"Simple as that. So, what do you say?"

I couldn't bear to let her down so I nodded. We heard a snort and a muttered, 'Goodie!' from the one woman peanut gallery in the other room and I winced.

"What was that, Rose?" Alice's jaw clenched minutely and she rolled her eyes in annoyance. Her voice was pure saccharine, sweet enough to cause a toothache.

Rose replied with forced excitement in a similarly sweet, falsetto, "I said, 'Oh, Goodie!' because I was so happy."

"I knew I misheard you." She shouted back. The look on my face must have been something because she took one look at me and started talking me down in a furious whisper. "Oh, Bella! Please believe me that Rose's behavior has nothing… Well, not nothing to do with you, but you are not… Fuck! How do I say this? Her behavior has less to do with you and more to do with her and, I guess, me as well. She is just afraid you are going to take some of the attention off of her."

I looked at Alice skeptically. "Bullshit. Girls that look like the way she looks don't have confidence issues and they don't get jealous of me."

Alice sighed. "Yes, Rose is gorgeous, and believe me she knows it. It's not really a confidence issue… it's more of a vanity and jealousy issue." _I told you, vanity, thy name is Rosalie. I just didn't see the bumper sticker stuck to it that said, 'Vanity: Turns you into a spotlight whore and raging bitch.'_

"She likes being the star with all the attention, but she is also worried that you will usurp her place in my life and she immediately goes on the offense. She has obviously never considered that the two of you can be friends as well. Just give her some time and … Don't. Take. Any. Of her. Shit."

Rosalie popped her head in the door and I jumped. "Al, I am not getting any younger here. Are we gonna get this show on the road?" _Speak of HRB and she appears… she's kind of like the devil that way, I guess. _

"Yup, let me just show Bella to her room so she can put her stuff down."

'My room' was across and a little ways down from Alice's. She told me that this would be my room whenever I came over and then informed me that she had taken the liberty of stocking the bathroom with some things I would need but I should feel free to leave whatever I wanted. I tried telling her that it was too much, but she wouldn't hear it. Of course.

She left me there to stow my things and said they would be in the kitchen when I was settled in and ready to join them. I put my bag on the chair by the bureau and took out the things I would need for the pool, my sunblock and book, setting them on the bed. I stepped into the ensuite, closing the door behind me. After washing my hands I just stood there staring at my reflection in the mirror having a Stuart Smalley moment.

Daily affirmations completed I stripped off the clothes I had on over my suit, put my coverup back on, zipping it in addition to tying it this time, slipped my chucks on and stepped back into the bedroom. After putting my clothes into my bag, I was officially out of reasons to put off going downstairs any longer. I walked over to the bed to grab my stuff and noticed that my book was lying open. I picked it up noticing what page it was on and read the highlighted text.

_"She was wearing a pair of my pajamas with the sleeves rolled up. When she laughed I wanted her again. A minute later she asked me if I loved her. I told her it didn't mean anything but that I didn't think so. She looked sad. But as we were fixing lunch, and for no apparent reason, she laughed in such a way that I kissed her."_

Hmmmm…. I didn't remember highlighting that portion of the text, but it was the color I use so I must have. I also didn't remember leaving the book open. That's not to say I didn't, but I thought I had left my sunscreen sitting on top of it. _Yeah, Bella, someone broke into Alice's house, snuck up to the second floor and… *gasp* …highlighted a single passage in your book and then snuck back out without you or anyone else hearing a thing. _

I rolled my eyes, _stupid, overactive imagination,_ grabbed my book and sunscreen and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

~//~

I walked up just in time to hear Alice lecturing Rose on not eating all of the strawberries, but I stayed in the dining room and eavesdropped for no real reason. I guess I just wanted to see what Alice was like when I wasn't around. I was happy to hear that she was her same kooky little self.

"Alice, if I eat all of the fucking strawberries I will go to the store and buy more."

"I don't get them at the store, you know that."

"Well, I don't know why you can't get them there like everyone else? Instead, you drive two plus hours to some berry farm outside of Olympia where you have to pick them yourself."

"How many times do I have to tell you, Rose? I am disgusted by all of the insecticides that get put on berries and, even if you wash them like you should, how do know you got it all off. That stuff can't be good for you. And I go to that particular farm because I like their farming practices, they have fair prices and their berries always taste the best."

I thought that would be a good time to pop inside the kitchen to make my presence known and hopefully score some brownie points with HRB by changing the topic. I plastered a big grin on my face, told my stomach to quit doing backflips and grow a pair, and then took the two steps needed to bring me into view. "You really are an odd duck, aren't you, Alice? Can I do anything to help?"

Alice looked exasperated and scowled at me. Her eyes were sparkling too much for me to worry that she was really upset with me though. I thought I saw the corners of HRB's mouth twitch, but she saw me looking and glared at me before turning her back to me.

"Go ahead and make fun of me for trying to keep everyone poison-free and healthy. You won't be laughing once you taste these little babies though. Assuming, that is, I let either of you two have some." I had a feeling that Alice's rant was just gearing up. _So much for saving the day._ "You know studies have proven that consumption of foods grown using insecticides can cause such things as neurological disorders, headaches…"

Jasper and Emmett stepped in through one of the open french doors that ran the full length of the back wall of the dining room and led to the back deck. Emmett rolled his eyes. "I see Alice is regaling you with her anti-insecticide propaganda." Emmett eyed the blender speculatively. "What's in the blender, Squirt."

She sighed, closed her eyes and grabbed two fistfuls of hair. Exasperated Alice was back,_ for reals this time, yo._ She tugged gently on her hair as she took several deep, calming breaths and then relaxed her grip and smoothed her hair out. "Lava Flows." Alice huffed out. "You'll like them"

"I don't know, Kid. They look a little fru-fruey."

"Emmett Cullen…"

I interrupted. "Wow, it looks like it's really heating up out there. Why don't you guys go out to the pool and if someone will show me where the cups are I can pour drinks for everyone and then bring them out."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Bella. I've heard that you're awfully clumsy and we wouldn't want to waste any of Alice's precious strawberries, now would we?" HRB said with a smirk, but at least she was actually looking at me when she said it. _See, she's warming up to me; she is talking to my face. That's an improvement._ Gotta think positive.

Everyone chuckled while I blushed causing the chuckling to grow deeper until they were full on laughing. I remained motionless with my shoulders slightly hunched over, _and it goes without saying that my face was red,_ out of confusion, _and embarrassment_.

I wasn't entirely sure that her comment wasn't meant to be snide, but it had lightened the mood in the room. I decided to just say fuck it and stood up straight as I joined in with everybody laughing. It felt good to laugh, I realized, even if we were laughing about me. _After all, it's better to be laughing with, than to be laughed at._

While we were laughing I came to the conclusion that it really didn't matter what the motivation behind Rosalie's comment was or if she liked me. Everyone else seemed to like me, so the bitch would just have to deal. I would ignore her when she was being a bitch and be friendly if she was, but I wasn't going to stoop to kissing her ass. Partly because I didn't think it would help, but mostly because I do have some pride.

I glanced up at Rose and was caught off guard to see that she had a small, tight smile on her face and was nodding at me with what looked like… approval. _What was I the pig in that movie Babe? 'That'll do pig. That'll do.'_ Maybe she was warming up to me? I offered her a small smile back but she just scowled at me. _'Oh, the bitch is back!'_ I guess not.

Jasper spoke up then ever the gentlemen and mediator. "You girls head out to the pool and Em and I will get the drinks."

Alice thanked him with a kiss and led us out to some chaise lounges next to the pool where towels had already been set out. The boys joined us a few minutes later carrying what turned out to be the first of many trays full of drinks.

At first I felt uncomfortable in my new bathing suit and was reluctant to take off my terry cover-up and join everyone in the water, but eventually it got so unbearably hot that I had to suck it up or risk being roasted alive. I figured I was among friends, for the most part, so what did it matter and I stripped the cover-up off tossing it behind me onto the chaise I had been sitting on.

A sharp whistle came from Alice. "I knew that suit would be perfect on you. You look hot, Bells!"

"Alice!" I was mortified. Everyone was staring at me like I had two heads… _or cellulite and varicose veins or… something._

"Well, you look good. You do. Doesn't she, Rose?"

She flicked her eyes over to me for a moment before returning her attention back to the Cosmo she was reading. "She looks fine."

"That's high praise coming from my sister the ice princess, Bella. Although, you do look pretty hot." Jasper declared with a laugh as his sister glared at her magazine and Alice beamed at him. Emmett, standing next to Jazz, was apparently in agreement and gave me a thumbs up as he winked at me.

I blushed and tried to control my racing pulse. _I knew they were unavailable, but all my stupid teenage hormones would recognize is that two hot guys were checking me out and liking what they saw._ "Shut up. I… am going swimming." I muttered before immersing myself under water and staying there as long as possible.

Everyone was laughing when I came back up, but the cool water was doing a good job at keeping my blush under control and it wasn't long before everyone joined me. Our splashing and goofing around eventually turned into a game of chicken. Being the only single one and, therefore, without a partner, I refereed. Rose and Em won, but just barely.

~//~

Lubricated by the alcohol, the day passed by pleasantly as we played in the water taking frequent breaks to lay in the sun and sip our drinks. HRB still wasn't really warming up to me, but she wasn't going out of her way to be a bitch either. She pretty much ignored me, _and I her,_ but the others more than made up for it and there was never a lack of conversation.

By the time we were feeling too buzzed from the booze and lazy from the sun to continue making the complicated blended drinks we'd been drinking all day we ran out of rum and someone decided to break out the tequila for shots. Alice sent me into the house to cut lemon wedges and get the salt, Emmett disappeared to get the tequila and shot glasses, Ali and Jazz rearranged the lounges so that they were in a semi-circle around a small glass-topped side table and HRB sunbathed and read about how to give the perfect blowjob.

I was still wet from the pool when I ran inside. Using Ali's instructions to find everything, I grabbed the salt, a bowl for the lemons, and then found a knife and started to slice the lemons into wedges. My hands were still slightly damp but I was in too much of a hurry to dry them and as I started slicing the second lemon, I heard a noise from the hallway and jumped causing the knife to slip and slice into my palm.

"Son of a Bitch! Owwww. Fuck, fuck, fuck." I instantly clutched my hands together in front of my chest. I didn't think it was a bad cut, _meaning my hand was still connected to my body, _but as soon as the smell hit me, I grew woozy and my vision started to blur which didn't help me in my quest to locate a towel.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Rosalie. I was staring right at her, but didn't notice her until she spoke.

"You're pretty pale already, but you look positively corpse-like right now." _Leave it to HRB to insult someone while showing concern. _She looked down for a minute and then back up at me. "Bella, you're bleeding."

My stomach clenched and I turned green. _Please don't let me puke, please don't let me puke. _I don't know where it came from, but I snapped at her, "No shit, Rosalie! Brilliant observation, Detective. Next time I need someone to state the obvious I will give you a call." Waves of nausea were now threatening to overtake me. "Do you know where they keep the towels?"

Rosalie looked at me shocked at my outburst but nodded. She calmly called out for Emmett and as walked around the breakfast bar towards me she said, "I don't want to alert Alice that anything is wrong." I cringed and nodded. "You know how she can be…"

Rose found a towel in one of the drawers and handed it to me and I immediately wrapped it around my hand without looking. It was quiet for several minutes while we waited for Emmett and I struggled to maintain consciousness.

Suddenly she blurted out, "So, you finally grew a pair."

It was a statement, not a question. She didn't really deserve an apology, but I hate when people are mad at me. Before I could open my mouth to apologize for my rudeness, _to people being rude, does not politeness make,_ she chuckled and said, "Nicely done, Swan. You seemed like a big push over. I thought it would take a lot longer."

I didn't know what to say so it was good that Emmett walked in at that exact moment and took charge. He tended to my hand while Rose cleaned up the blood and finished slicing the lemons. He thought that I could use stitches, but I refused to go to the hospital. After much arguing between us, Rose surprisingly stepped in on my behalf and we reached a compromise.

He agreed to not take me to the ER for stitches, but I had to stay out of the pool for the rest of the day and let Carlisle take a look at my hand as soon as her got home tomorrow. I agreed, reluctantly, and we grabbed the supplies and went back outside to find Alice and Jazz gettin' a little too frisky on some of the patio furniture.

After Rose and EM flipped the lovebirds just enough shit to make them uncomfortable, Alice turned it back on them, ie she brought up the hot tub incident. Rose started glaring at Emmett while the rest of us laughed, so in an attempt to take the spotlight off of him, _and save his chances of getting some pussy tonight, _he told his sister about my hand. I wanted to be mad at him, but I probably would have pulled the same Benedict Arnold bullshit if sex was on the line for me. I hated to admit it, but I was starting to feel a little lonely after spending all afternoon with the two demonstrative couples.

Alice fussed over me for a little bit, but then I reminded everyone about the tequila and party time was back on. Em poured the shots, we toasted to my clumsiness… _"To Bella, cause it's going to be a hell of a lot more fun around here with her tripping all the time and just being a klutz in general and then blushing about it." Rose smacked Emmett in the back of the head while smirking at me, thanks, Rose_… and then we licked the salt off our hands, slammed our shots back and made lemon smiley faces as we sucked on our wedges.

~//~

Four shots later, the boys disappeared and Alice got her second wind and decided to make margaritas.

"How can it be a Margarita Madness pool party if we don't have margaritas?"

It was no use arguing with her about it, and the salt was starting to make me a little thirsty, so I poured two shots, handed her the bottle and sent her on her merry way.

"Don't make them too weak, Alice. We want to actually taste the booze." Rose barked after Alice. "She makes the weakest margaritas."

Smiling, I poured some salt on my right non-injured hand, picked up my shot with the same and indicated with it that she should pick up the other shot. We raised our glasses to each other silently and slammed 'em back. I wasn't going to quit referring to her as Her Royal Bitchiness just yet, but somehow during the whole palm-slicing fiasco, our relationship had shifted. She was still cool towards me, but at least she was no longer hostile.

Alice came out of the house with a bunch of drinks on a tray, all of them garnished with a strawberry and topped off with little umbrellas, at the same time that the boys suddenly appeared with a couple of oversized, cannon-like squirt guns.

Alice and Rose immediately started threatening them with no sex if they even thought about squirting us and I held up my palm reminding Emmett that it wasn't supposed to get it wet per his instructions. Thoroughly warned and appropriately fearful of the consequences, they filled up their guns and went out into the grassy yard on the other side of the pool setting random things to hide behind all over the place on their way.

Slightly inebriated, the girls and I lazed in the sun on the almost obscenely comfy and plushly cushioned chaise lounges and watched their boys battle it out in an effort to prove who the dominant male was. We made casual conversation and laughed at them as they conducted themselves with all the seriousness of real soldiers while we sipped our fruity cocktails.

Rosalie suddenly blurted out, "So what's up with your old man's 'stache?"

I couldn't stop the shocked laugh that came bursting out. Alice softly giggled.

"You mean that '70's porn star, caterpillar on his lip?" They both nodded, Alice a little too gleefully. "I don't know, but he spends more time grooming that cheesy thing than I do my hair."

"I know." She breathed just low enough that I could pretend to ignore it. It seemed like we were finally making some headway in our relationship and I didn't exactly want to do anything to damage the tenuousness of it. _And I was a total pussy. _"It's not cheesy, '70's porn, it's like 'wonder what it would feel like tickling the insides my thighs', Sellick hot. Then you add the uniform, badge and gun, and… Hmmm! I wouldn't mind playing with his nightstick."

I laughed so hard that I snorted and a little of my drink came out of my nose. _I am not going to lie, she may have also made me vurp in my mouth a little, once again. Seems to be happening a lot today. _ Emmett looked at us to see what the commotion was about.

Luckily for Rosalie, _and too bad for me 'cause I would have enjoyed watching her try to wiggle her way out of explaining to Emmett about how much she wants too play with my father's nightstick, *snort* ewwwww!,_ Jasper used Em's momentary distraction to gain the upper hand in their reenactment of the Battle of Guadalcanal and he didn't hear Alice's singsong taunt, "Rosalie wants Charlie's nightstick, she thinks he's hot, she likes his pornstache."

She had her hands raised and she was doing a little shimmy thing, side to side, to the rhythm of her taunt while she maintained her reclined position on the chaise. I continued to laugh, but it was growing even louder and more uncontrollable.

Rosalie jerked upright and stormed off towards the house. "Fuck you guys! I'm getting another drink."

Her tantrum only caused Alice and I to laugh harder until we were positively howling and rolling around on our chairs. Alice was slapping her leg so hard I thought she was going to burst some blood vessels. I was laughing so hard that I was stomping my foot on the ground and having difficulty breathing. We tried to calm down, but every time we thought the fit was subsiding one of us would spit out 'pornstache' or 'nightstick' and we would start up again.

All the commotion caught Emmett's attention again. He dropped the barrel of his 'weapon' towards the ground a little and, seeing his lowered defenses, Jasper tackled his much more massive opponent and proceeded to blast him right in the face, effectively winning the battle. They wrestled for a few moments because Em wasn't going to be a gracious loser, no way. It was all in good natured fun though, and they helped each other up afterwards.

No sooner was Emmett on his feet than he headed towards the house calling out, "Rose? Baby? Whattsa matter. Where'd you go." *whipcrack* _Pussywhipped._

Rosalie was shouting something at Emmett, then we heard the deep rumble of his voice as he replied followed by Rose shrieking at him. The next thing we know, Emmett comes barreling out of the house amidst a volley of… was that, ice cubes? and… Strawberries? Obviously not fazed or shocked by her behavior, he chuckled and he called out, "Alright baby, we can discuss it later… as soon as you've had some time to calm down."

His words earned him another volley of… whatever Rose happened to be throwing at him, but Emmett just laughed to himself and shook his head as he walked back over to us. I heard him say to himself something that sounded exactly like, 'Hooooo! Fiery, that one.' and is eyes were sparkling with what I hoped was mischief. _Everybody was getting it on but me. Seriously! Not fair. _

As he got closer we could see little raised welts from what must have been ice, _Girls got an arm!,_ and red stains that looked an awful lot like they came from strawberries… Alice was gonna be… "Ro-ose! You better not have wasted all of my strawberries or you can drive three hours to Olympia and pick them next time."… pissed.

Alice headed into the house still screeching at Rose. I stopped listening when she got to the part about how she specifically got her strawberries from that specific 'u-pick-em' farm and not the store like everyone else because they were organic and blah, blah, blah. I didn't care. I was buzzed and Buzzed Bella could give a shit less. Still, I didn't want to be in Rose's bikini bottoms right now. No, ma'am. Alice might be tiny, but she was ferocious as all hell.

The boys and I sat there sipping our cool drinks in the sun alone in our thoughts, but chuckling every now and then at the squawking she-cats in the house.

_Her Royal Bitchiness, indeed! Well, so much for my improving relations with her. _But as I sat there chuckling, with the sun and the alcohol running warm through my veins, I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck.

~//~

I must have fallen asleep out there because I don't remember walking up the stairs to the guestroom and I had pajamas on, _Thanks for the PJ's, Ali,_ but I couldn't remember changing into them. I looked at my phone to check the time and saw a text message from Charlie. I realized that I never texted to tell him I was staying over so I quickly opened his text and was a little confused to find him thanking me for letting him know. _Alice._

I scrolled to my sent messages and… sure enough Alice texted him for me at some point the after I passed out. I would have to add it to my list of things to remember to thank her for later. The door flew open and my tiny friend bounced in and launched herself onto my bed with a squeal. Thankfully, I didn't seem to have a hangover.

"You're finally up! I wanted to get you up hours ago, but Rose," She turned and mock-glared at the tall blond girl that I only just now realized had followed Alice into my room. Rose smirked and I offered up a shy smile. "wouldn't let me. She made me let you sleep and now its nearly noon and Dad is downstairs waiting to look at your hand."

"What? And how the hell did you know I was awake?" I was horrified. I had hoped everyone would forget about my stupid hand. "Alice, why would you say something? My hand is perfectly…"

She had hands up in surrender when Rose cut me off, "Emmett. And no one has ever been able to figure it out, she just knows."

"Oh. Sorry, Ali."

"Eh, no biggie. Just get up and get dressed. You can't take a shower yet, but you might be able to squeeze one in after dad fixes you up."

I went into the bathroom to see a toothbrush and toothpaste sitting on the counter. Alice strikes again. _The girl really is handy to have around._ _She is better than a whole troop of Boy Scouts. _After my human moment, I stepped back into the room to see both girls sprawled across the bed. Rose was perusing a car magazine and Alice was bouncing and… filing her nailsm, _which did not need to be filed_. I saw clothes setting atop the bureau and could only guess that my Fairy GodAlice had set them out for me to wear.

I opened my mouth to protest but was stopped by Rose. "Don't bother. It's just a waste of time, trust me."

_What is up with everyone responding to things I haven't even said? Shit was seriously starting to piss me off. _I wasn't really in the mood to argue or to duke it out with HRB off just yet, although it seemed that our truce was still in effect so maybe... nevermind, not worth it. Plus, I was going to have to ask for help. "Fine, but I think someone is going to have to help me. It hurts a bit and pulls at the cut when I bend my hand."

"Sooooooo, how did I get up here last night?" I asked as the girls helped me dress. I noticed Alice and Rose give each other a look, but didn't think too much of it. _Those two bitches were always giving each other looks._

"You don't remember?" Alice asked. I shook my head. "One of the boys brought you up and Rose got you dressed."

"You owe me one, by the way. I am not particularly into clutching nude chicks to my chest while maneuvering their drunk asses into clothes and you aren't the most cooperative when you're drunk."

I blushed and somewhat sheepishly thanked her. Wanting to forget about having to be put to bed like a baby by the perfect creature that is Rose, I seized upon the first subject that popped into my head. "Hey, whatever happened to your other brother? Did he ever show?"

"Nope." _The 'p' popping starts again._ "He apparently had plans with some girl that kept him out all night. Okay, all done." _What was I five. "_Time for your appointment with the good doctor."

Carlisle stitched me up and admonished me about being more careful when using a knife, but he never once asked what I had been cutting. _'Why, lemons for our tequila shots, Carlisle.' _When he was done he went over a list of do's and don'ts and made me promise to let him take a look at it in a week.

I was a little worn out, my hand hurt more and more as the anesthetic wore off and I had a million things to do that I had been putting off while I hung out with Alice; I just wanted to go home. She reluctantly let me leave, but not before making plans to see a movie that night. Since my truck was a manual with no power steering, Carlisle felt it best that I not drive it for a few days so Rose drove me home. I was stunned when we got to my house and she slipped me a small silver flask 'for the pain' and told me to give her a call if I needed anything.

I got out of the car with the flask tucked into my bag, shut the door and bent down to the open window. "Ummm, thanks. That's really nice of you, but, uh, I don't have your number, Rose."

"Alice. She put everyone's numbers in your phone when she texted Charlie last night."

I smiled. "She's pretty wonderful, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she is. So you better not hurt her or I'll make your life a living hell. Don't forget to call if you need anything. Ta." Before I could even collect my thoughts, she rolled up the window and sped off.

~//~

Despite the palm slicing and stitches, it ended up being the start to the best summer I had ever had.

The five of us were pretty much inseparable from that point forward. I can't think of a day going by that I didn't see at least one of them and I stayed so often at the Cullen's that they considered me part of the family. At first I felt like I had abandoned Charlie, but they were short staffed at the station and he worked so much that he was relieved to not have to worry about me being home alone all the time.

Rose eventually warmed up to me and we became every bit as close as Alice and I, but I never did meet or even see Alice's brother Edward. It seemed like we always just missed each other; I would walk into a room and he would have just left, I would pull in and he would be pulling out. Eventually, I sort of forgot that she even had another brother. No one ever really brought him up, so it was easy enough to do.

Thinking back on that summer, it seems surreal to me how much things can change in a matter of weeks; how much I changed. I had arrived in Forks miserable, sullen, dejected and rejected and by the time school started I felt vivacious, capricious, enlivened and accepted. For the first time in my life I felt that I was exactly where I belonged and I was becoming exactly who I had always wished I could be.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett and even Rose, shockingly, were my counterparts and I theirs. We all complemented one another, balanced each other out. Alone we were lacking, incomplete, but together we were nearly whole. I thrived with them and learned from them- Ali taught me to have more confidence, Jazz- restraint, from Emmett I learned to not be so uptight and from Rose I learned how to be more assertive. They were exactly what I needed and for some reason they liked having me around as well.

I've always wondered why.

~//~

**A/N: **Just want to clear a few things up, so I don't get a bunch of outraged emails.

1. The book excerpt is from The Stranger by Albert Camus and can be found in Part 1, Chapter 4, pg. 35. It's one of my all-time favorites.

2. Yes, I am aware that Em and Jazz's supersoaker fight had nothing to do tacticly, or even at all, with the Battle of Guadalcanal . I just needed a recognizable name of a battle that was fought long enough ago that you could laugh at the situation. I_s it too soon? _ Plus, the name made me laugh considering the passage I was using it in. _Canal. He, he, he!_


	5. Chapter 4 Education

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns the characters and certain plot points, I just own the manipulations.

**A/N: **  
Thanks also to all of you who added this to your story alerts/favorite stories, and I especially appreciate those of you who reviewed. You guys are awesome.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

**This week's rec's:**

Don't Tell Me You Love Me by TellMeNoLies

**

* * *

Chapter 4- Education

* * *

**

Call it education  
It was somewhere in between  
You gave me some sound advice  
But I wasn't listening…

…Not quite conversation  
It was somewhere in between  
You said everything is taught  
And I listened patiently…

…Hardly education  
It was somewhere in between  
Oh, I hit the roof but I had  
Aimed for the ceiling

Hardly education  
All them books I didn't read  
They just sat there on my shelf  
Looking much smarter than me

Good old Nostradamus  
He knew the whole damn time  
That always being east from west  
Someone is there fighting…

- _Education_, Modest Mouse

~//~

I was just standing there...

I was in no man's land, not quite in the forest but not quite in the meadow, standing on an invisible line.

I had been standing there for at least thirty minutes allowing myself to drift in my memories, while I tried to summon up the courage to cross that line. _Grow a pair, Swan. You pansy. _It just felt so sacrilegious to step across the threshold alone, without him. The meadow was _our _place and we just didn't go there without the other.

No matter what was happening with us or between us in the real world, once we stepped out of the trees and into this place we were good again; we could go back to being two people, friends, that loved and trusted each other, go back to who we were before we complicated it all with secrecy and sex… but he had destroyed that… _destroyed us…_ and the magic of this meadow when he turned me into his 'bit of stuff' on the side without my knowledge.

I shook my head to clear it… _your heads not an etch-a-sketch, bitch… _and then stepped into the meadow. I took big strides, crossing quickly… _Like him, I was breaking all the rules and since I was going to hell… well, I might as well go all the way, go all in; no use being timid and tentative about it now…_ to the fallen log perched above the creek at the edge that always served as our bench.

I slid over taking up my usual seat. I leaned back against the large boulder pressed tightly behind the log and squirmed around until my back slipped into the indentation in the stone that seemed to perfectly match the curves of my back as it cupped my body. My eyes drifted to the place that Edward would be occupying if…

I cut the thought off and tore my eyes away from his spot; thoughts like that were trouble. I looked across the creek into the forest and allowed my past to invade my present…

~//~

**Five Years Earlier**

"I appreciate you wanting to pick me up for school, Alice, I really do, but I have to work at Newton's after school and I don't get off until ten." Alice tried to say something, but I didn't give her a chance. I knew where she was going to go and I was shutting that shit down. "I am not going to make you hang around town until I get off work just to take me home, so don't even say it."

It was the night before the first day of our senior year-- and my first day at Forks High. Alice and I were arguing, yet again, about how I was getting to school. She was insistent on picking me up in her ridiculously expensive and ostentatious yellow Porsche and I wouldn't hear of not driving myself in my truck. _A.K.A. per Alice- that rusted out, piece of shit, deathtrap, bucket of bolts. I liked to call her Bertha, myself. _

We had been arguing daily for the past week, but my work schedule was all the excuse I needed to get my way; the argument would end tonight. _Thank you Charlie and Mrs. Newton. _I was so grateful for my perfect excuse that I was tempted to include her vile son Mike Newton, but my gratitude didn't extend quite that far_. I was only so magnanimous. _I did, however, thank football for its part in my handy excuse.

Charlie, true to his word, went round Newton's Outfitters right after I arrived and secured an interview for me. I was incredibly nervous when I met with Mrs. Newton the following week, but she put me at ease by informing me that the interview was really just a formality and that, as long as training went okay and I wanted it, the job was mine. Assuring her that I would definitely take the job… _not like I had a lot of options around these parts…,_ she gave me a stack of employment forms with instructions to fill them out and have them back to her by the end of the week.

I had them back to her the next day. When I delivered them Mrs. Newton said that she would call to let me know when to come in for training and then I found out that I wouldn't be actually be starting until school was in session, which was slightly disappointing. I was eager to start, but not because I had some great desire to have a job or because I was getting really bored having fun all the time; I wanted to be able to hold my own, even if only slightly… _or just in my head_… against my wealthier friends.

They weren't snobby about it at all. In fact, they were generous almost to a fault, but I hated that they always insisted on paying for me because it made me feel like a charity case. Alice thought that it was a silly reason to get a job and hated that I was going to be working. She said that she was too selfish to share me with a job, but that made me feel like she was paying for my time and I didn't like that at all.

I still had some money left from my job in Phoenix and Phil made sure that there was money on the refillable credit card that he sent me, but after my initial shopping spree with Alice for Fork's appropriate clothing, I didn't really like using it. It was too much like hush money-- or like he was trying to buy my forgiveness and I wasn't for sale. Even with the job at Newton's I would have to be careful in regards to how I spent my money because I didn't know how long it would last.

While business at Newton's wasn't exactly booming being located in such a small town as it was, they were the only outdoors/sports store in the area so they weren't exactly doing too badly either. Still, they rarely had need for extra help and had managed just fine for the past three years with a staff consisting of just Mr. and Mrs. Newton and their son Michael. The only reason they were hiring anyone now was because their son, also a senior at Forks High, was due to start football practice when school commenced.

The Newton's used to just work extra hours during football season, but it spread them too thin and the administrative side of the business suffered as did their lives outside of the store. They had three younger children, all too young to drive, with after-school activities to attend, and they both had personal commitments like P.T.A. and Rotary Club to attend to. After last year, they had decided it was just too much and they would have to hire someone. This is obviously where I come in and why I didn't know how long I would have the position for.

My training, which consisted of working with either Mrs. Newton or her son Mike for a few hours a day, didn't actually take place until the week before school started and that Monday was going to be my first real shift. Thankfully it would be Mike free. After a week of dealing with him trying to grope me every chance he got, his thinly veiled and inappropriately timed innuendoes, and his persistent asking me out and not taking no for an answer, I was beyond happy. I was fucking thrilled. I would have quit during my training week if it wasn't for my knowledge that our days working together were limited and even then I struggled with it.

No amount of money or need to feel independent was worth having to deal with him.

Sure, he was cute and all… _at first glance_… with his All-American, surfer type looks, but if you looked long enough you would see that his trying-for-charming smile was a bit too forced, his sandy blonde hair was spiked a little too desperately, and his blue eyes were somewhat milky and vacant... _and way too focused on your tits._ By the time he opened his mouth and revealed what a complete douche bag he was, you too would be completely turned off. _Tool. _He was cocky as hell for no good reason and thought he was God's gift to women which, I assure you, he most certainly was not.

My thoughts of Mike made me shudder… _sick, groping pervert…_ and I was actually happy when Alice's renewed-with-a-vengeance pouting brought my attention back to the phone at my ear.

"But, Belllll-laaaa…" she whined, "I'm just trying to make sure that your debut at Forks High is made in style. You only get one chance to make a first impression. And I promised my father that I would volunteer at the hospital afterschool so I will be in town late."

"Bullshit. You aren't allowed to help at the hospital anymore and you haven't been allowed to since you tried color coordinating the supply closets and conned the orderlies into helping you rearrange several of the patient rooms in the feng shui style because you read some where that was thought to be beneficial to the health of the occupant."

"Hey! I was just trying to make the rooms a little bit more soothing and I couldn't find anything in those supply rooms. I really do have things to do in…"

"No."

"But…"

"No! For the final time, Alice Cullen… I. Am. Taking. My. Truck. End of discussion. Topic closed."

"Fine." I didn't need to see her to know her bottom lip was sticking out. I waited for her next ploy, but it never came.

_Really?_ That was it, she was letting it go? That was easy. A little too easy. The scheming, always persistent imp had something up her sleeve. She had to. Unless this was a trick and she was just lulling me into complacency before her next strike… _Seriously, Bells? _

_Get a grip, get some sleep and if that doesn't work, get a shrink. Wacaroon. For now, just get off the phone… before Satan-in-drag really does trick you. Not, that I am admitting that there is any possible truth to those conspiracy theories. Just… don't show her any signs of weakness. Sharks usually only attack at the first sign of blood or something like that. _ Great. Now my subconscious was rambling. No more Discovery Channel Shark Week for me… or old Warner Brother's cartoons… no matter how much Daffy calls to me.

I wasn't going to press my luck or ignore the 'show no weakness' bit. My mind only wanted what was best for me; it was trying to protect me. I needed to get off the phone while I still had the upper hand and before Alice could pull any of her tricks. I kept the authoritarian tone in my voice when I spoke again, making sure to enunciate each word carefully. _I'm in charge. Me, my swamp!_

"I am going to bed now. I will see you in the morning."

"Don't forget to wear that outfit…" _Didn't work. Was I forgetting something?_

"Alice."

"…that I set out for you…" _Still not working. Maybe put a little more bass in my voice?_

"Alice."

"…this morning, and do your hair the way I showed you other day…" _Nope, try something else._

"Alice!" She finally stopped talking. "Say goodnight, Bella."

She groaned, but complied. "Goodnight, Bella." _Ah! Apparently yelling was the key._

"Goodnight, Alice." _A very goodnight indeed. I win!_

~//~

I hung up the phone and fell back on my bed with my eyes closed until I finally fell asleep. A short time later, and an hour before my alarm was set to go off, I woke up. I was exhausted but I knew from experience that there was no use in going back to sleep once I was up, not if I wanted to make it to school on time. _Hmmm? I didn't want to make it to school at all… _I groaned aloud and rolled out of bed. Slipping on my robe and grabbing my shower stuff, I headed to the bathroom to take a shower hoping that the water would wash away the weariness that I felt.

I knew it came more from my nerves about starting at yet another new school rather than from actual lack of sleep despite the small amount of sleep I had gotten, but the knowledge didn't abate it any. I had been trying to be all nonchalant about being the new kid… _yet again_… to both myself and everyone else because after all, I had been the new girl too many times to count and this was nothing new to me, but it wasn't working.

_The situation was different_, I argued with myself. And it was. I was starting my senior year at, not just another new school, but my first new school in three years.

_But it's different in good ways too, don't forget, _my mind reminded me. This was also true. This time I was starting school at the beginning of the year; it was much worse starting once classes were underway. On top of that, I already had friends… _great friends_.._._ so I wouldn't have to brave the day alone. That was some consolation, but I was still tense.

_Oh, stop being such a pansy and man up, _Rose's voice snapped at me in my head. She always had such a succinct way of saying things. It was usually her voice in my head that prodded me to act, made me bolder, whenever I felt myself hesitating or losing my nerve. When I failed it was Alice's voice that I would hear saying something Oprah-ish like, 'At least you tried' or that stupid adage 'It is better to have tried and failed…'

I hoped I wouldn't hear Alice's voice in my head today, so Rose's better not be leading me towards disaster. I couldn't handle that, not today. My phone beeped alerting me to a text message as I finished getting ready. I knew who it was so I ignored it knowing it would drive her bananas. _B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Bananas, bananas!_ Once I was ready for the day, I grabbed my phone and my bag and then headed downstairs to grab a bite to eat, opening Alice's message on the way.

**B-**

**You better b awake and getting ready.**

**Don't even think about not wearing the **

**clothes that I picked out for u.**

**- A**

I couldn't help myself; I had to fuck with her. Sometimes Alice just made it too easy.

_A-_

_I'm up, ready and walking out the door._

_Gotta go take care of shit in the office _

_before class. Decided to wear something_

_else today. See you at school._

_- B_

I turned my ringer off and grabbed a bowl of cereal. I sat at the kitchen table with the lights off and watched the light show my phone was giving me as Alice blew it up trying to reach me. I had set it from silent to vibrate and was laughing as I watched it hop its way across the kitchen table when Charlie came downstairs. He turned the kitchen lights on and walked through to the hallway to grab his belt and service weapon.

Putting on the last pieces of his uniform, he sat at the kitchen table in front of the cup of coffee I set out for him and gave me an odd look. Less than a second later he saw and heard the buzz of my phone as it started doing its crazy dance across the table and he smiled.

"Morning, Bells. Screwin' with Ali again?"

"You know it, Old Man River."

I got up and tossed a couple of pans on the stove. Turning the burners on to pre-heat them, I went to the refrigerator and grabbed out the eggs and bacon, and started preparing a quick breakfast for him.

"Bells, what are you doing?"

"Making Forks' 'Number One Crime Fighter' a delicious and nutritious… well, it's probably not a nutritious breakfast, but the first part stands, it will be a delicious breakfast. You can't very well be expected to go battle the evildoers of the world on an empty stomach, now can you?" _Coping with stress the only ways I knew how- cooking, cleaning and sarcasm. I was get to the cleaning part next._

The bacon already sizzling in one pan, I cracked a couple eggs into the other and then grabbed a two slices of bread and placed them in the toaster, but did not push the lever down; that would be jumping the gun.

"You really are an odd child," he said as he shook his head slowly from side to side. I flashed him a huge, toothy grin. "You are aware that I will probably be in my office filling out useless paperwork for most of the day and that the most action I am likely to see will be pulling over a speeder or two-- which just means more paperwork for me, don't you?"

"I am aware, but let's not destroy the NYPD Blue images in my head. Who am I kidding? I actually picture your job to be a lot more like Super Troopers…" I started giggling like mad at that point earning me a skeptical look, possibly about my sanity, from Charlie "…I could totally see you as the President and CEO of Levi Strauss, Denim Dan."

He continued to look at me like I was crazy, but I ignored him and started his toast. I didn't say another word as I finished preparing his breakfast, dished it up and set the plate down in front of him, giggling the whole time over my inside joke. _Is it still considered an inside joke, if you are the only one in the know? _

"Bon Appetite," I said before gathering up the dirty dishes and washing them while Charlie ate his breakfast. He barely had the last bite on his fork when I swooped in and removed his plate. I waited by his side until the food was in his mouth and then I took the fork out of his hand and then marched to the sink to wash them as well.

Feeling like he should say something as he sat there and watched me fuss with the dishes, he awkwardly attempted to start a conversation. "So, big day today, huh? First day of school and all."

_And that would be my cue to leave._

"Yup, big day." I looked at the clock as I dried my hands. "Um, I gotta run if I want to finish up my registration in the office and still get to class on time."

It's not that I didn't want to talk to Charlie or we couldn't have a conversation, we just never really had much to say. I had certainly come out of my shell since coming to Forks and befriending Alice and the gang, but I still wasn't exactly what anyone would consider ebullient nor was I usually intimidated by silence. I was kind either of like my dad that way I guess. It's definitely what made it possible for us to go days without uttering more than a few syllables to each other.

I grabbed my things and headed to the front door. Opening it, I hesitated before shouting out, "Oh, ah… don't forget I work at Newton's until 10:00 tonight. I left food in the fridge with instructions for reheating it if you get hungry. Bye, Dad."

"You baby me too much, Bells. I survived just fine before you got here..."

I snorted and then proceeded to interrupt him. "Yeah, you were surviving your way straight to a heart attack, Old Man."

I could practically hear his eyes roll. "Says you. Have a good day at school and drive safe. I might go out to La Push to watch the game with Billy Black, but I should be home by then. Bye, Kid."

"Bye," I said again and then stepped onto the porch and closed the door behind me.

~//~

I arrived at the school extremely early because I desperately wanted to avoid walking into class late on my first day and I wasn't sure how long it would take me to complete my paperwork in the office. Arriving late on your first day was the equivalent of wearing a big sign on your back declaring 'New Girl' in bold letters and I preferred to fly a little more under the radar than that.

Pulling into the nearly empty parking lot, I parked in the back corner. I assumed that the few cars already in the lot belonged to faculty members as they looked too nice to be students' cars, the cars of my friends not withstanding; they were the exceptions that proved the rule.

Once parked, I pushed in the emergency brake and got out. Grabbing my bag I locked and shut my door and quickly crossed the parking lot towards the office at the front of the brick building. I took a deep breath… _It's just another first day, Bella. You know the drill… _and then opened the door to the office and walked in. I made my way up to the woman sitting at the front desk.

She was a plump, slightly befuddled looking middle aged woman with orange-red hair piled on top of her head and twirled into a donut-esque bun with a pencil sticking out of it. I had been standing at the counter for several minutes and still had not been acknowledged. Unsure of the protocol, I hesitantly spoke up.

"Um, hi. I'm, uh, new here?" It came out as more of a question. "My transfer papers should have already been sent so… I probably just need to get my class schedule… I guess," I said politely.

"Of course, dear. You must be Isabella Swan?"

"Just Bella…"

"Bella then. Well, welcome to Forks High, Bella. I am Mrs. Cope, the school secretary. I have your papers right here for you..." This was certainly going faster than I anticipated. I must have had a curious look on my face because she trailed off, paused and then said, "We don't get that many new students around here so yours was the only late registration we received."

I nodded and she got back to the task at hand. Once I had all my paperwork-- class schedule, school map, etc. -- I left the office. Standing outside next to the door that I had just walked out of, I checked my watch. Seeing that I still had some time before I needed to find my first class, I headed back to my truck. No doubt Alice would be waiting for me. I looked around the parking lot as I neared my truck, but did not see her flashy yellow car.

I continued towards my truck, dropping my eyes back to the ground. It was a habit I had developed years ago for two reasons-- one was to keep myself from tripping over things… _unfortunately, it didn't help much since air is invisible and that seems to be what I trip over the _most… and the other was because it also allowed my hair to swing forward and cover my face. I took my keys out of my coat pocket and yawned into the back of my hand as I reached my truck.

"Good thing I brought you this then," said a voice, startling me.

"Gah!" I clutched my chest and still looking down I blurted out, "How the hell do you do that? I didn't see your beacon in the parking lot. Where the hell did you come from?"

"We all rode with Em. I didn't want to show up your hunk of junk with my dazzling yellow ode to European engineering and style."

I looked up to see Alice standing next to my truck… _bouncing, of course_… with two coffees in her hands and my annoyance dissipated. _Bless her._

"Bless you, Alice. I take back all the nasty things I have ever said, ever thought about saying or ever will say about you," I sighed. I reached for the coffee she held out to me, but at the last second she pulled it back leaving me clutching air. "Heyyyyyy!"

"Ah, ah, ah. Schedule first, and then you can have your coffee."

I grumbled and handed her my schedule. In return she handed me my coffee. I held it up to my face and took a deep whiff of the rich scent. I didn't know how she managed to convince the guys at the local coffee shop to have two cups of her own special blend waiting for her every day rather than the shitty house blend that they served to everyone else, but I really didn't care… I took my first sip, my eyes rolling into the back of my head from delight… so long as I was reaping the benefits.

Alice looked over my schedule as I continued to drink liquid manna in a cardboard cup. It was so good, I might have moaned a little bit. Alice's eyes snapped to me.

"What the fuck? I know the coffee is good, Bella, but I am not going to bring it to you anymore if you are going to have an orgasm in front of me…" she leveled her eyes on me "… and further more, if a decent cup of coffee is all it takes to get you there… well, you need a man… and to get laid. Not necessarily in that order."

I spit the coffee I had just sipped out of my mouth and looked at her with my jaw dangling open.

"Ohhhhh, stop looking so scandalized… and shut your mouth before you collect flies. It's true," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Alice! That is no… you… I can't…" I sputtered nonsensically.

"To-to-to-today, junior! Come on, spit it out."

I couldn't seem to get my vocal chords to cooperate so I settled for closing my mouth and glaring at her. I crossed my arms over my chest for added sternness. Alice just giggled at me. Luckily Rose, with Emmett and Jasper in tow, strutted up to us at that moment.

"What's up, Bitches?"

"Hey, Rose," Alice said cheerfully, nodding at the boys in greeting.

While at the exact same time, I blushed and blurted out, "Nothing!"

Rose gave me a strange look, but shook her head choosing as usual to ignore me and my odd behavior. Unfortunately, Emmett was not of the same mindset.

"What's got ya blushin' there, Bells?"

"Nothing," I replied a little too quickly.

"It sure doesn't seem like nothing," Jasper said tossing a smirk to his evil girlfriend behind me.

I glared at him and then turned my head to toss another glare her way hoping she would drop the subject. Of course, she didn't. _I should have known better._

"I was just telling Bella here that she really needs to get a man and get laid."

"And not necessarily in that order," added Rose with a smug expression.

My jaw hit the floor again as I stared at Rose.

Returning my look, she innocently said, "What…?"

Emmett interrupted her, "It's true…"

And Jasper interrupted him, "You're like the poster child for sexual frustration."

I looked around the faces of my leering friends, settling on Alice's smug looking face and then promptly started sputtering again.

"You… That's not… I… Whatever," I shouted, snatching my schedule from Alice's hands, "I have to go to class."

I spun on my heels on stomped off, peering at my schedule tossing out 'Jerks!' for good measure. I held my little map in front of my face and glanced back and forth between it and the buildings in front of me as I walked. I heard footsteps approaching but ignored them, focusing instead on my map and hoping I didn't trip.

"Follow me, Bella. We have first period AP English together."

I looked at Jasper keeping stride next to me.

"Alice," he said with a shrug as he continued walking and the warning bell sounded.

I gave a shrug of my own… _for no ones benefit_… and followed. Entering the classroom, I took a seat next to him in the back. I felt eyes on me and kept my face down, hiding my warm cheeks. I was vaguely aware of the whispering and was grateful to the bell that signaled the start of class and shut everyone up. The teacher quickly took roll, passed out both the class syllabus and reading list, of which I had already read most of the books on it, and then told us to gather our things and go to the gym for the assembly.

I quickly tucked my papers into my bag and followed Jasper. I stumbled a few times as I climbed the bleachers to where Emmett and Rose were sitting. I had hoped that it would go unnoticed in the general chaos of things, but no such luck. I heard snickers ahead of me and looked up to see two girls whispering back and forth while staring at me and laughing. My face grew warmer and I looked away.

I risked another glance in the direction of the giggling girls as I took a seat next to Rose to see the blond one sneer at me. I looked at my feet, my face quite red by now. Distracted by their continued loud whispering, I didn't even hear Rose's greeting. She looked towards the girls, looked at me and then looked back at the girls. Noticing their whispering had stopped, I looked up at Rose who was looking too innocently in front of her.

"You didn't have to do that, Rose."

She shrugged her shoulders, and before I could say anything further, Alice showed up and took a seat next to me so that I was sandwiched between her and Rose. I felt Rose turn in her seat, look at Alice over my head, look away and then look at Alice again. Alice turned her head briefly and then turned back and bumped her shoulder against mine.

"Just ignore them. The blond is Lauren Mallory and the frizzy brunette is Jessica Stanley. They are…" She trailed off, searching for the right word.

"Whores." Rosalie supplied it for her.

Alice nodded. "Whores. And jealous of anyone hotter than they are. Especially if that person happens to be friends with us. They think that they rule the school and it pisses them off that Rose and I won't bow down to their supreme rule or allow them to hang with us."

"It's got to piss her off that you just got here and are already In Like Flynn while they have been trying for years and still haven't been granted access to our inner sanctum. Take it as a compliment," Rose added with another shrug before the principal started speaking, effectively halting any further conversation.

Forty five wasted minutes later we were dismissed to our second period classes. None of my friends were in my AP Calculus class, but Rose and Alice walked with me since it was on the way to their Art class. They left me at the door saying that they would see me after class for lunch. I entered and took a seat by myself in the back where I busied myself by rummaging through my bag for a notebook and pencil.

I felt someone leaning over me. "You're in my seat," said a shrill voice.

"I wasn't aware that seats had already been assigned, you know, with this being the first day of school and all." I looked up to see Lauren, with her as always, Jessica. Both of them were glaring down at me scornfully.

"This is where I always sit, so you're gonna have to move… now." She gave me a fake smile and crossed her arms in front of her and jutted her hip out in an attempt at looking superior.

I wanted to avoid confrontation and cave, but I knew if I gave in to her now, I would be doing it the rest of the year. So instead of gathering up my things and moving, I flipped open my notebook, jotted down the date on the top of the blank sheet of paper and said with all the bravado I could muster up, "Sorry. You should have gotten here sooner. Guess you're gonna have to find somewhere else to sit."

I looked up at the two girls as the bell rang. Jessica snickered a little at her friend getting shut down… _some friend_… and Lauren looked positively livid. Her mouth kept opening and closing but nothing was coming out. The teacher called the class to order just then. Seeing Jessica and Lauren just standing there he said, "Miss Mallory and Miss Stanley, is there a reason the two of you are holding up my class? No? Then find a desk and have a seat."

"This isn't over," Lauren muttered as they moved past me to the only remaining seats on the other side of the classroom.

I shrugged and said, "I didn't know anything had started."

~//~

The girls were waiting outside the door when class was over, leaning against some lockers across the hall.

"Hey," I said as I walked over to them. "Ready for lunch?"

I was looking at Alice, but noticed Rose straighten up and push herself away from the lockers with a hard expression on her face as she looked over my shoulder. I looked behind me and saw Lauren and Jessica exiting the classroom, both of them sneering in my direction. I rolled my eyes and turned back around to face my friends.

"Just let it go guys…" I was interrupted before I could finish my thought.

"Your friends aren't always going to be around to protect you, Is-a-bella," Lauren snarled into my ear. Looking past me she said, "Rose. Alice."

She started to walk away with Jessica following behind her resembling a puppy dog but tripped over something and went sprawling across the floor of the hallway.

"Wow, Lauren, you should really pay more attention to where you're going," Alice said sweetly before walking down the hall.

I bit back the laughter threatening to erupt and looked at the ground, letting my hair hide my smirk, as I followed behind Alice with Rose a step or two behind me. I heard something slide across the floor, coming to a stop as it hit a soft sounding object. I was pondering what I had just heard as Rosalie spoke from behind me and it all made sense.

"Here's your book. I know you probably won't be needing that, but I thought you would want to keep it for appearance sake. Wouldn't want you to lose it so early in the year."

I couldn't stop the snicker this time so I walked a little faster to catch up with Alice hoping the distance would keep them from hearing it. I hissed at Rose when she fell in step beside me moments later.

"Rose! What the hell? That wasn't very nice. What did she fall over, anyway?"

"Looked like a size six shoe from what I could see," Rose answered with a smirk.

"I don't get it."

And then Alice giggled and Rose's smirk turned into a grin.

"You guys!" I said with only partially mock indignation. I laughed and then shook my head. "I'm happy I'm on your side. You know that was evil, right?"

We entered the cafeteria as they gleefully nodded in response.

"Just checking." I paused and then added, "It was pretty fucking funny."

A large body slid between Rose and me and I tensed. "What was pretty fucking funny?"

Emmett. I relaxed.

"The wannabe Mean Girls," I answered indicating his girlfriend and sister.

"Oh, yeah? And just what trouble were they up to?"

"The evil little pixie tripped Lauren Mallory and your woman…" using my thumb I pointed at Rose standing on the other side of Emmett "… kicked her dropped book into her side."

"Good for them," Emmett said with a hint of pride.

I was shocked to say the least. That was definitely not the reaction that I was expecting from him. Despite his size and status as one of the best defensive linemen in the state at the high school level, Emmett was pretty non-violent… off the field, at least. Rose was his opposite in this regard… W_hich, when combined with their appearances, was actually quite funny…_ but he rarely condoned her inclination to get physical during any type of confrontation. _Unless that confrontation involved him and nudity, that is. _

Noticing my continued staring, Emmett simply said, "What? The bitch has had it coming for a while."

Before I could reply he walked over to the lunch line and waited with the other plebeians for food. I just shook my head and followed Alice, Jasper and Rose to a table in the far corner of the lunchroom next to the soda machines. I purchased a bottle of lemonade and sat down. I couldn't help the curiosity that arose from Emmett's comment, but I decided to let it go; I knew that I wasn't going to get any answers right then… but I was going to get them eventually.

~//~

Aside from being the topic of conversation and getting stared at by nearly everyone… _except for Lauren and Jessica, they glared…_in the cafeteria, lunch period passed rather quietly. I had AP Biology by myself after lunch and Alice, who had Spanish a few doors down, insisted on walking with me to class so that I wouldn't be late. And I wasn't, I walked in about twenty seconds before the final bell rang. Honestly, I probably would have fared better just finding the room on my own.

At least that way I would have hopefully arrived early enough to prevent every person in the room from turning and staring at me as I blushed and sheepishly took a seat at the only remaining lab table available. I was grateful that it was all the way in the back, but looking around I noticed that I was the only one without a lab partner. It was going to suck having to work alone all semester. Plus, it made me feel a little ostracized like the kid that gets picked last in P.E. _Wait a minute… I am the kid that gets picked last in P.E._

Someone dropped a textbook onto the table in front of me and I thanked them without looking up. A piece of paper had been slipped inside the cover, sticking out of the top declaring it's self to be the class syllabus. When I tugged it out to review it a torn piece of notebook paper fell out with it. I picked it up and flipped it over revealing a name and number scribbled on it in pencil:

Eric Yorkie 360-555-7122

Call me for a good time.

_Seriously? People actually say this shit in real life? _I snorted, loudly, and looked around the classroom trying to figure out who it was from. I notice a movement to my right and about three rows up. As my eyes came up, his met mine with… _I gave him a once over—slicked down, too long, greasy looking black hair, mild acne, white slightly rumpled fitted button up shirt with a skinny black tie loosely knotted around his neck, he was clearly going for that preppy 'I don't give a shit' look,_ _but clearly not pulling it off_… un-earned cockiness and a false sense of assurance. _So not my type. So not interested. _

I felt awful for my reaction, I really did… _Rose would be so proud of me_… but I honestly couldn't control the laughter that bubbled up and spilled out when he winked at me. _I think he actually turned me off of sex._ His shoulders sagged a little but the way his bottom lip pouted out like a five year olds overrode the pity and almost made me laugh even more. He looked so crushed as he turned around and stared at his desk with his hands laced together resting on his stomach that my laughter abruptly halted and guilt crept in to replace my amusement. I guess it took more brass than I initially assumed for him to make that awkward move on me. I understood that feeling all too well.

I was sure he was probably a great guy who was going to make some girl incredibly happy, I just wasn't that girl. I didn't want to be responsible for making somebody feel the way I had too many times in my life, so I resolved right then to apologize to him after class. I hoped my apology wouldn't cause him to renew his attentions towards me because as much as I hated to disappoint others, I would rather deal with the guilt than to go on a pity date with I guy I didn't know and could never be attracted to. I would have let him down gently.

I tuned everything else out and finished reading the syllabus in my hand with disappointment as I discovered that I had already covered all of the course objectives at my school in Phoenix. I briefly considered switching classes but it was an easy 'A' and Advanced Placement classes would look good when I applied to colleges in the near future. The fact that I could bolster my transcript in a class that was a cake walk didn't hurt at all. I never bothered tuning back in to the class, choosing instead to doodle on my notebook and, therefore, did not hear the bell ring signaling the end of class.

It wasn't until I looked around and noticed I was the only student left in the room that I realized class had ended and I had missed my opportunity to apologize to Yorkie. I wasn't all that eager to eat crow, but I was a smidge upset that I had missed him. I knew if I did not do it soon I would never manage to do it and I already had too many people glaring at me, I didn't need to be actively adding to that list. Oh, well. It would have to be done another time. I sighed knowing that I was never going to get to it, gathered my books and headed to my final class of the day.

~//~

I looked at my schedule to see what was next.

_Fucking great. _

P.E.

_Whoopee. Yay. Who am I kidding? Fuck my life. _

Somehow I had managed to completely block the knowledge from my mind that I had fourth period gym. It would figure that this God forsaken state would require one more P.E. credit than Arizona did. I had thought I was done with having to wear gym shorts or show just exactly how coordinationally challenged I actually was in public. _Somebody kill me please. No really, I mean it. I'm on my knees, pretty, pretty please…_ Shut it, Adam Sandler. I needed to stop watching movies with Emmett stat. _Make the bad man stop! _

In all honesty though, what a miserable excuse for a class. It's not even educational really. It's just an excuse to ogle your fellow classmates and make nerds and klutzes… _me_… feel like shit about themselves. The ridiculousness of the fact that they actually pay someone to wear a whistle around his/her neck while walking around in shorts five days a week is only trumped by the fact that someone out there once had the thought 'I want to be a gym teacher when I grow up' and then actually considered it a real job.

If you are wearing clothes that the rest of the world considers pajamas, your briefcase is a gym bag and a whistle is a tool of the trade… it's not a real job. It's a demoralizing, self-esteem depleting, government sanction torture masquerading as an educational offering. Of course, I could be prejudiced by my years of embarrassment at the hands of gym teachers. No good has ever come from Bella Swan being in a gym and today was no exception, just not for the expected reasons.

I had high hopes as class started since it was the first day and we weren't dressing down. I was expecting it to be the best day of gym I would have all semester until I spotted Douche bag Newton and the class began to take a turn for the worst. It didn't just go downhill after that; it plummeted faster than Lindsay Lohan's career after befriending Paris Hilton when in walked Forks Highs self appointed Queen Bee with her drone in tow. Lauren and Jessica have gym with me. How lovely. _Put a bullet in my bra-ay-ay-ay-ain!_

The sound of a whistle calling the class to order interrupted both my delusional musings and the general ass-hattery taking place around me. Once everyone had taken a seat on the bleachers, the teacher handed a stack of papers to whoever it was that was sitting in the first row on the end opposite me with orders to, "Take one and pass them around until everyone has a copy."

While the stack snaked its way up and down and around the bleachers he went over his rules and expectations as well as the activities we would be covering during the semester. The stack was still quite large when it finally made it to me and as I reached out to take it from Mike the Creeper, someone… _*cough* Jessica *cough*_… bumped his elbow causing the entire stack to spill all over me, the bleachers, and the gym floor causing everyone in class to laugh.

"Nice hands, Jackie 'em up," bellowed the neck less guy with the whistle who's Coach Clapp according to the syllabus.

Before I could do anything more than blush a deep scarlet and attempt to hide behind my hair, Mike reached forward to help gather the strewn papers… from my lap.

"I've got it, Mike," I said, scooting away some.

He continued his lame and obvious attempt at copping a feel, his hands inching higher up my lap.

"I said I've got it, Mike." I tried politely pushing his hands away from me, the action causing the papers we had gathered to fall out of our hands into my lap adding to the adding to the mass of disarray already there.

He still did not remove his hands from my person, but I was distracted momentarily when I noticed Jessica shooting looks of death my way while Lauren appeared to be… gloating? With each awkward pass of Molester Mike's hands over my denim and paper covered thighs as he blatantly moved them towards my center... _Oh, hell no! Not happening rapist…_ his hands creeping up under the guise of helping me, the venom behind Jessica's glare increased as did Laurens evil smirk as she watched her cronies plan backfire with smug satisfaction. I couldn't help but wonder if Lauren, knowing that Jessica had a thing for him, was behind her knocking the papers out of Mike's hands hoping to see something like this play out.

It was certainly looking that way, as her smirk became more feline. Either way it was apparent that Jessica was not the brains of this operation. _With friends like that… _She obviously didn't realize that she was the one who was responsible for the situation, not me. Hell, I didn't even want the pervert's attention let alone his hands on me. A rather perceptible fact that both of them seemed to be blissfully unaware of. _You want him, honey? Please take him… before I kill him._

Using my inattention to his advantage his hands darted up legs, landing just a little to close to their apex for comfort, but effectively drawing my attention back to him. Unable to remain polite any longer… _politeness was clearly wasted on him_… or give any consideration to the condition of the papers, I slapped his hands off and away from me and removed myself from the bleachers. "Mike, back the fuck off of me! I said I've got it," I hissed.

I furtively glanced up at Coach Clapp. Certain that he hadn't overheard my exchange with Mike I crouched down and began to frantically gather the scattered papers together. I was vaguely aware of someone tossing to the ground a pile of papers that I assumed had come from the bleachers as I tried to stop the angry tears stinging my eyes. _ Because yes, I was one of those irrational people who cries when angered. _I'd be damned if I would let that bitch win. I didn't understand how or why they disliked me so much, but I knew for damn sure why I didn't like either of them.

If she wanted to play games, then fine, I'd play and I'd win. _After all, I learned from the master. Thanks, Renee._ Firming up my resolve, I returned the papers to their previous state of order and handed them back to the coach just before he had us get up and go stand in groups in front of our respected locker rooms awaiting our locker assignments. Once that task was completed, class was nearly over so he let us mill around until the bell rang.

Excepting Papergate, the glares I received every time they caught my eye and a few whispered comments that I chose to ignore as we received our lockers, no further attacks occurred. The period actually went better than anticipated due in part to the limited interaction I had with Dumb Bitch and Even Dumber Bitch, and in part to Angela, the daughter of the local preacher as I found out, coming over and chatting with me.

Despite that, by the time class ended I knew that this semester was going to suck some serious ass… hard.

~//~

I headed straight to my truck after class, just wanting to get out of that place and to work before anymore I had to deal with anymore Lauren/Jessica drama. It had been a rough day so far and I was eager to get through my shift so it could end. Never have I wanted so badly to fly down south and hide my head in the sand, but as the song says, 'If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?' _Oh by the way, which ones Pink?_

Based on the way my day had been going thus far, I shouldn't have been surprised to see my midget stalker waiting for me next to my truck. I was fairly certain that her class was a significantly farther distance away from the parking lot than the gym was and had hoped to avoid her as I made my escape from this hell hole so I wasn't sure how she had managed to beat me there.

I loved Alice dearly, I did, but sometimes her need for others to be cheerful combined with her own chipper personality was too much-- this was one of those times. I didn't plan on allowing my dark mood to linger, but I definitely needed to work my way up to shrugging off the cloud of doom and gloom that was hovering over me; some sort of transition period, if you will.

"Ali. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Just wanted to see how your last class went," she said somewhat sedately… well, sedately for her.

I sighed heavily, closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of nose before even attempting to reply.

"That bad, huh?"

"Bad enough, but it really could have gone worse." I didn't bother to volunteer any additional information mostly because I didn't feel like getting into it, but just also because I knew it would really chap her ass. _Which was always fun. I swear nothing drove her crazier than withholding information from her._ Misery loves company.

"How so? What happened? Did you get hurt? What happened? You know I need details, Bella." She skipped the whining and pleading, plunging straight into hysterical near shrieking territory. Not in the mood for Operation: Calm Alice the Fuck Down, I caved.

"Where do I even begin?" _I felt like this day was one long drawn out day from hell that culminated in a train wreck, but I couldn't say that… could I?_ I knew if I ever wanted to get to work I was going to have to spill, so I began, ticking off the hits, that just kept on coming, on my fingers. "First of all, I have gym; that's bad enough in and of its self, but God or the Universe or Karma-- someone-- didn't feel that was enough. NoooOooo.

"I get the distinct displeasure of taking it with the Bobsey Bitches and Mike 'The Creeper' Newton, who sat this fucking close to me…" I squinted and pinched my fingers together until there was practically no space between them in demonstration "… panting on my neck like a dog in the desert. It was fucking disgusting!"

I was grateful that I had parked in the back corner of the lot and there were no other cars, and therefore no other students, aside from Emmett's Jeep nearby because the floodgates opened… w_ell, she did say spill..._ suddenly, I couldn't shut up. I went into full on ranting mode, complete with arm waving and stomping.

"So, Coach Dumb Jock decides to play '99 Papers In a Stack' and Lauren's little sidekick decides it would be a grand time to punish me for the fact that Mike Dick-less has no apparent interest in her, except for when her mouth is wrapped around his dick if the rumors I heard are true, by bumping Newton's elbow when he handed me the stack of syllabi… Would that be the correct plural form of syllabus? Whatever.

"So Hoover Stanley bumps the Perv as he hands me the papers, which Coach DJ laughably refers to as the Modus Operandi in his effort to try to convince us that contrary to popular belief his I.Q. is higher than the average single celled organism… not that I saw any proof of that to be true. But once again, that's irrelevant to the story.

"So, she bumps him as he hands the stack to me, causing every last fucking sheet to scatter all over the fucking place… including my lap. Naturally, I am the last person to receive the papers and now not only do I have to clean them up, I have to take them up to Coach No-Neck in front of the entire laughing class, but not before my friendly neighborhood Serial Groper strikes again as he…" I made air quotes… _because, apparently when I am enraged, angry, livid mad, I am "that" person and yuppie tendencies I wasn't even aware I had come out_… as I snidely said the next word "… helped me gather those ones up.

"The fucking guy was caressing my fucking thighs, trying to inch his way up to my holy land and he wasn't even being subtle about it. Of all the fucking douche-baggery that sleaze ball has pulled on me in the whole week I have had the misfortune of knowing him, this is the sleaziest, slimiest thing yet. And then that jealous whore had the nerve to glare daggers at me while I am being assaulted because of her actions and that awful fucking Queen Bee Princess wannabe sat back and gloated.

"Thankfully I didn't see much of them the rest of the period and was only forced to tolerate their whispered insults and glaring, which, by the way, makes them look all scrunch-faced and constipated, a few times. Any more contact and I was going to punch one of those bitches in the ovaries. And then as soon as the bell rang, I came straight here to be accosted by a dark haired midget who thinks she works the National fucking Enquirer.

"You know, you'd think with friends like Mallory, Jessica would be a little less eager to make enemies, but no. I guess I am just going to have to make her wishes come true. If bitch-face wants enemies, she just got one. In the immortal words of The Dude, 'This aggression will not stand, man!' Those bitches are going down. They don't even know me! They saw me walk in here like… what? Six-seven hours ago? They had their teeth bared and hackles raised before I even walked in the door. What the fuck did I ever do to them?"

The rest of my friends, having all ridden to school in the Jeep next to me, showed up at various points of my little monologue of rage… _Rage-ologue?_ As soon as both my diatribe and I ran out of steam all of the, felt the need to put their two cents in… _naturally._ Rosalie being the last one to arrive… _and needing to announce her presence_… went first. _Sometimes, I would almost swear her mantra is, 'If your not first, your last.'_

"Oh, nothing. Other than moving here and then having the audacity to show up at school with friends already. By doing that you denied them the chance to parade you around like you were show and tell while they basked in all the attention that you, as the shiny, new, hot object, would receive. So, they resent you for it. They like to pretend that they are Forks High royalty and the only desirable chicks in town.

"In reality they are simple minded bitches who think they can intimidate other girls by employing self-esteem and confidence eroding guerilla tactics and the only reason they get any attention from the male population is because they act like cheap whores. They'll blow any reasonably attractive guy and, if he's a star jock, they'll even spread 'em wide and let him stick it in."

_Leave it to Rose to state the truth in such a simple fashion... while still managing to be somewhat crass about it. _Jasper was the next to speak.

"Be the bigger person Bell's. Just ignore them and rise above it. I am not gonna give you any of that turn the other cheek bull, be aware of what they are up to and be proactive but don't seek to retaliate."

_Always the peacekeeper, I expected him to break out into a rendition of We Shall Overcome at any moment._

Jazz was followed by Emmett… _clueless as always_… who completely bypassed the real issue and source of my ire to focus on one point and one point only.

"Mike Newton did WHAT? That asshole put his hands WHERE? I am gonna break his fucking face in. That is fucking unacceptable and will not be toler…" Emmett had very high standards in regards to the way a man was supposed to behave in regards to a woman... _and a general dislike of Mike Newton for some unknown reason._

Not that you would be able to tell based on the way he talks about and to Rosalie sometimes, but that's just their thing. Trust me when I say that Rose wears the pants…_ she has that shit, and his shit, handled._ Emmett is completely wrapped around… _and sometimes tied up by_… that girl's pinky. _What? I have walked in on some shit that even Renee would say was kinky. Never open a closed door if Rose and Emmett are on the other side… no matter what you hear._ Rosalie definitely tops.

Frustrated, I interrupted Emmett before he could start listing all the things he was going to do to Creepy McCreeperson. He was surprisingly creative with his revenge ideas…_ and in bed according to his extre-e-e-mely satisfied woman._ _They really are perfect for each other; she is the nymphette to his nympho._

"That's not the point, Emmett! Focus. The real issue is those two scandalous tarts and how I am going to make them pay for being so God damn awful."

"Bella, I am not going to let this go. Newton needs to learn how to behave around a la…"

"Bella's right, Emmett." Finally she speaks up! _Can't believe it took her this long. _Capturing his eyes with hers she reiterates my earlier command and does me one better by getting rid of him. _Hot head. _"Let it go. Shouldn't you and Jazz be getting to football practice, Captain?"

Emmett cocked his to the side and peered at Alice for a moment while I practically yelled, "Thank you, Alice, for shut-ting him up!"

Still holding his sisters eye contact, he nodded to himself. "Thanks for reminding me, Sis." looking at me now "Well, I guess I gotta be goin', Bells. Have a good first real day at work. Carlisle told me to tell you he doesn't want to see you back in his E.R. anytime soon."

I blushed. I had been to see Carlisle, whether at the house or the hospital, at least once a week since the first time I stayed over for various stupid and minor injuries. The most recent occurrence had been three days ago when Emmett scared the daylights out of the entire hospital staff, his father included, by running into the hospital with my prone, unconscious body cradled in his arms.

I was knocked out cold by a pop up fly ball that I had been trying to catch during a game of baseball that Emmett had insisted I join in on. _It seems my depth perception isn't very accurate when looking straight up._ Because of this, Carlisle wasn't too sure how smart it was for me to be working at a sports/outdoor store. He was certain that I would somehow manage to kill myself with a box of .22 shells and no gun or be the first person to find a way to die in a freak Nerf ball accident. _Even I wasn't that clumsy… I didn't think._

Emmett's goal for the moment accomplished… _the asswad thinks my blushing is entertainment, a delightful party trick to pull out for a laugh_… he winked at me… _I couldn't stay mad at him…_ ruffled Alice's hair laughing at her protests over the kid sister treatment, and, with Alice still reaming him out for mussing her hair, he gave Rose a heated kiss goodbye, and then he and Jazz headed off to practice. Emmett smacked his girl smartly on the ass as he passed her, earning a hiss from Rose and a punch in the arm from Jazz. We all knew that Rose didn't really mind.

I looked back to Alice as she started to speak. "I agree with Jazz to a point with one minor deviance… Yes, you should be the bigger person, but you can do that and still get some retribution if you just allow them to dig their own graves. It won't be long before everyone admits what they are doing and the rest of the girls in this school will quit glaring at you and being so stand offish. I have some tricks up my sleeve. Don't sweat it."

Alice and Rose shared a deliciously evil look for just a moment… _Exxxxxce-llent! *they strum their fingertips together* Mwahh-ha-ha-ha! Mwah-ha-ha! _

"Unfortunately, you need to go to work…" she scrunched up her nose in a cute gesture of distaste, obviously still not thinking it necessary for me to have a job "… so call me when you get off and we'll talk more."

I looked at my phone. It wasn't absolutely necessary that I leave right then, I had still had some time to kill, but there really wasn't time, nor was this the place, for this convo. I really should get going. "Will do, Ali. Hasta, my people," I said holding my clenched hand in a fist beside my head before hopping in my truck and getting the hell out of Dodge.

~//~

I was parked in one of the designated employee spaces at Newton's less than ten minutes after pulling out of the school parking lot. I checked my cell phone for the time. It was only 3:40. My shift didn't start for another twenty minutes, but I didn't want to sit in my car. It wasn't really my first day, but it was my first real shift. Aside from doing inventory after the store closed at seven, I didn't know how much about today would be different from the few hours I had worked the previous week, so I decided to just head in. _It's not like I had anything better to do _

I grabbed the blue button up, bowling team styled shirt that had 'Newton's Outfitters' embroidered in large dark blue letters on the back of it off of the seat and slipped it on over the plain white fitted crew neck t-shirt that Alice had picked out for me to where to school. It wasn't the usual over the top style I was expecting her to force on me for the first day of school… _praise whoever!_ She answered my raised eyebrows when I looked at her choice questioningly… _that's right, plural, as in both because I still couldn't raise just one…_ with a simple, "Bella, you underestimate the sexiness of a simple white t-shirt."

I was not going to look a gift Alice in the mouth, so I shut mine. Now, as I buttoned up my work shirt, I was grateful that I did since it meant that I could just throw my work shirt on over the top of it and wouldn't have to change in the employee bathroom. I wasn't entirely certain that the rapist hadn't installed a hidden camera in there. It wasn't likely but I wouldn't put it past him. _Shudder._ I took what I hoped was a deep cleansing breath and willed away my annoyance and frustration from the day. I slapped a pleasant expression on my face, opened my door and headed in to the store fifteen minutes early.

Work was pleasant enough… for the first few hours at least. Mr. and Mrs. Newton were there initially, but seeing that I had things well handled, they decided to head home around six. I assumed Mr. Newton would be back after closing since Mrs. Newton would no doubt be busy at home. I was secretly relieved when they left. I felt like Mrs. Newton was always waiting for me to fuck something up and Mr. Newton had yet to find my clumsiness at all endearing. _It's not like I had broken or damaged anything_.

I had a steady trickle of customers all afternoon and into the early evening, but as it got closer to 7:30, when we would be closing, it dropped off. With no customers in the store, I used the opportunity to go through the store returning misplaced items to their correct spots and making sure that the shelves and racks were tidy. Ordinarily this wouldn't be done until the end of my shift and after the store closed for the night, but I knew I wouldn't get any time for it that night if I wanted to get out of there on time.

It was the end of the month which meant that month-end inventory needed to be done and was the reason I would be working until 10:00. I was in the back corner of the store when I finally finished my tidying and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket to check the time. Seeing that it was two minutes to closing, I made my way back up to the front of the store. Just as I was about to round the last aisle bringing the front doors into my line of sight, I heard the distinctive peal of the bell alerting me that a customer had come in the front door.

"I apologize, but we are actually just closing…" I rounded the corner bringing the door and its entrant in view "…. What are you doing here?"

Fucking Newton. _There goes my good mood. Buzz kill. _

"That doesn't sound like happiness to see me, Bella."

"That's because it isn't," I snarled at him and then repeated my question. "What are you doing here? I thought that you had practice."

"I…" he paused for effect "…am here to help you do inventory and practice got over a half an hour ago, by the way. You might want to remember that in the future so you know what time I will be stopping by your place for my after practice work out sesh."

_Oh no, uh huh! He did not just imply that he'd be fucking me!_

He flipped the switch turning off the 'Open' sign and illuminating the 'Closed' before locking the front door and then limped his way further into the store, slowly approaching me. As he stepped into the better light near the registers where I was now standing, I noticed his split, puffy lower lip and the faint shadow marring most of one of his cheekbones.

"What the hell happened to you? Some lucky girl finally whoop your ass for getting near her?" I asked as I turned away to gather up the inventory sheets and find the clipboards. Finding them I split the inventory sheets into two stacks, making sure that he got stuck with the items I didn't want to do, and attached them to the clipboards. I turned back around to give him the one with his half of the sheets attached to it and ran straight into his repulsive, but well muscled chest.

"Football practice," he answered huskily, both his proximity and lust laden voice causing me to cringe. Mistaking it for a shiver of desire, he stepped closer to me and placed a hand on to the countertop to either side of me, trapping me between his arms... He leaned into me, bending down so that his chest just barely brushed against mine and pinning me against the register behind me as I arched my back attempting to move away from him. He chuckled darkly and I felt his breath on my ear. "Why so concerned, Bells? You wanna play 'Doctor' with me?"

I tried to pull back or duck underneath his arm to get away from him, but he had me pressed so tightly against the register and her arms pressed so closely at my sides that I couldn't move. I looked around frantically as I started to panic. I knew there was no around to help me. The thought that I needed to man up popped into my head at the same time that I found myself wondering where the can of pepper spray Charlie had given me was. Neither thought was helping me so I forced myself to focus and think.

I was unable to get away from him, so I needed to get him away from me. Acting on impulse, I raised my hands and, placing them on his sides just above his hips for leverage, slammed my knee into his groin with as much force as I could muster. It seemed to somewhat do the trick because his face grew red and contorted in a dreadful expression, and he hunched over clutching his balls which brought his shoulders into contact with my chest and his head to rest on my shoulder,

Still needing to get him off of me, I grabbed him again, this time clutching his arms above the elbow. Pulling him down and slightly towards me, I raised my knee until it collided with his stomach and then I moved my hands up to his shoulders and harshly shoved him away from me. Clenching my teeth together, I ground out, "Don't ever fucking touch me again or show up at my house unless you want a repeat performance and a black eye to match the one you already have. And don't you dare call me Bells ever again. In fact, don't talk to me unless it's absolutely necessary."

_What? What? That's what I thought. Boo-yah! _I watched in satisfaction as he collapsed into a heap on the floor at my feet, one hand still clutching his bruised junk and the other one now wrapped protectively around his middle. I quickly ducked down to retrieve the clipboards, that I hadn't even been aware of dropping, from off of the floor. I dropped Mike's on top of him as I stepped over him.

"Here is your half of the inventory. I am leaving as soon as my half is done. I don't want to see your face or hear your voice again tonight."

I walked to the section of the store housing the first items on my inventory list and got started. A little over two hours later, I finished my inventory sheets. I went back up front and made sure that I had signed every sheet before I took them off of the clip board and clipped them together with a paper clip. I dropped the stack into the appropriate slot on Mr. Newton's office door on my way to the time clock.

Once clocked out, I grabbed my keys out of my cubby and headed out the front, making sure to re-lock the store door behind me with the key Mr. Newton had given me at the start of my shift. I was grateful when I finally crawled into the cab of my truck and slouched behind the steering wheel. I thanked the gods that the day was finally over… _I didn't think it would hurt to thank all of them; I needed all the help I could get since Karma was being such a cold, dead bitch_… I started up my truck and went home.

~//~

Charlie's cruiser wasn't in the driveway when I got home so I assumed that he was still watching the game with his friend. I grabbed something to eat and took it up to my room me as I turned on some tunes and called Ali. In between bites of enchilada I proceeded to tell her about what went down during my shift. Once she realized that I was fine and had managed to handle the situation she giggled like a mad woman, muttering unintelligible words throughout her fit.

"Oh my God, you put the smack down on Perv Newton," she breathed when she finally had herself under control. "I can so picture it, but still… wow! Who would have thought that you, Bella Swan, had a little ghetto in her? You pwned him. Guess I am going to have to let Emmett know that you can defend your own honor. Obviously the little beat-down that him and the bo-o-o-ysss…" She trailed off.

"What was that, Alice?"

"Nothing."

"Al-li?" She ignored me. "You were saying something about the boys and a smack down...?"

She still didn't say a word.

"Did Em and Jazz have a run in with Mike?"

Still not talking. She was definitely hiding something from me and I was pretty sure that something was Emmett and Jasper roughing up Newton for my sake. I couldn't figure out when they would have had time to do it though since they all had football practice right after school…

"_Shouldn't you and Jazz be getting to football practice, Captain?"_

"Alice Cullen! You put them up to this? And right in fro…"

"No! I only reminded them that they had to go to practice. It's not my fault…"

"Alice," I growled, "semantics is not going to get you off the hook. They did all of that to him at practice?"

"Well…"

"The truth, Alice!"

"Not entirely, no. They may have had a few words with him after practice in the locker room."

"Alice!"

"Bella! They were just trying to look out for you and after what happened tonight, you can hardly blame them. You really shouldn't be mad at them. They don't trust Newton at all. He has always been pretty harmless but recently he started hanging around a couple of guys from P.A. that are a bit shady…" I was about to ask her to elaborate, but she kept right on talking "…I don't really know why, but both Em and Jazz don't want us girls, you included, anywhere near them.

"I know, I know-- you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, but hear me out. Rose and I felt the same way initially, but then I thought about it. They are not the types to get all possessive and controlling, nor have they ever made a request like that before and they wouldn't without justification, soooo... I, for one, am kind of inclined to trust them."

I was pretty sure that she knew more than she was letting on about their justifications, but I also knew that I probably wasn't going to get anything more out of her than that and I was exhausted.

"I don't believe your telling me everything, Al…" she started to protest "… but I really don't care right now. I am going to bed. See you in the morning."

"I am telling you all I can, Bella," she said it quietly and then paused for a moment and I could feel her mood change just like-- snaps fingers-- that. "Can I pick you up?"

"No, Alice! Goodnight."

"Goodnight," she pouted.

~//~

Work became absolutely uneventful while the rest of my school week passed by in pretty much the same manner as the first day, but without the drama.

Mike avoided me and started paying a little more attention to Jessica... _I bet she would play 'Doctor' with him_… who in turn stopped going out of her way to make my life hell. She still glared at me and I still overheard the occasional snarky comment, but I had a feeling that it was more for Laurens benefit than from any actual desire to keep up the previous level of animosity on her part. Lauren, on the other hand, still seemed to hate me but never acted on it… that I was aware of.

The staring and whispering by the general student population continued. The date offers from what felt like every single… _and many not so single…_ guy in the school continued to pour in, much to my chagrin. It finally got so bad towards the end of the week that Jasper and Emmett took to escorting me to and from all of my classes, glaring at any guy that even so much as glanced my way. _I really loved those boys. If Rose and Alice weren't my best friends…_

Any time the boys weren't hovering protectively over me, the girls had my back. They stared down the bitchy girls who automatically disliked me because Jessica and Lauren did and because of the unwanted attention I was getting from the undesirable, leering males in the school… _which may or may not have been the same reason, I still wasn't sure that that was the only reason Lauren hated me but I couldn't think of any of reason for it._

I felt like screaming at all of them, 'I don't want any of this God damn attention! You want it? Please take it, it's yours.' I mean, Jesus H. Christ, all I did was move here, not even of my own free will and they were acting like I had some dastardly plan full of evil intentions! Aside from Rose and Alice, Angela was the only girl who had even approached me or tried to be nice to me and she was getting a fair share of flack for it. The whole thing was slowly driving me crazy.

Alice and Rose assured me that there was nothing I could do that would do me any good so I managed to restrain myself… just barely, but the weekend couldn't get there fast enough.

Although as the week wore on and my four best friends finalized the plans for their annual back to school bash, I wasn't sure how much I was actually looking forward to the weekend. I had hoped that they would forget about it the whole damn thing… _or Mother Nature would be on my side and whip up a tsunami or an earthquake or something…_ but it was a tradition and Alice insisted that they couldn't break tradition. I knew that I would be forced to attend and, short of dying… _or being in the hospital waiting to die_… there was no way to get out of it. _Sometimes I don't why I like my friends._

Charlie was my last hope but he too sold me out. Despite his suspicion that we would be attending a party where drinking would be going on, he was unable to resist Alice and her pixie dust and gave permission for me to stay the entire weekend. I wondered what would have happened if he learned that not only were we going to a party, we were hosting it and that his favorite little person was the mastermind behind it, but I didn't have the cajones to find out.

My truck 'mysteriously'-- _wink, wink_-- wouldn't start on Friday morning so Alice picked me up for school. She showed up while I was in the shower, letting herself in with the spare key hidden on the porch. By the time I got back to my bedroom, already dressed for the day, she had managed to not only pack my bag for the weekend, but lay out clothes for me to change into as well.

She didn't think I had done that horribly at dressing myself for the past few days, but she hadn't been fully satisfied with any of my choices either. I changed without putting up my usual fight because A- it was useless, and B- I had a plan and I was sticking to it. The plan was to just coast through the entire weekend with a smile on my face. I had decided that if I wasn't going to enjoy it, which I wasn't, then I could at least make it as easy as possible on myself by not fighting every step of the way. _Okay, so it wasn't the greatest plan, as far as plans go, but it was all I had._

Secretly I had hoped that something would happen to prevent the party… _like maybe Ma Naturale could hook me up with that natural disaster I was hoping for… any disaster, I wasn't picky…_ or that I could come up with a really good reason to not go, but no such luck. By the time school let out on Friday there was nothing I could do. Esme and Carlisle were already in Chicago for the weekend, the entire school knew about the party on Saturday, and EmmElie had skipped fourth period and were already en route to Olympia to get the refreshments since Em couldn't very well get away with using his fake I.D. around here.

As for me, I was trapped in Malice's yellow death trap, on my way to her place where I was to be placed on house arrest for attempting to sneak away after gym. I still wasn't sure how I got caught. _How the hell was I supposed to know that she would be waiting at that particular door five minutes before the final bell? Seriously, how the hell did she know my escape route?_ Maybe I was bugged or she really was psychic. She is her own special brand of crazy, after all.

The more I thought about it, the more certain I was that that was it. There is no other explanation for how she could have found me; I had gone all Mission Impossible/007. I had snuck out of the gym, through the cafeteria, down the hall, through the wood shop into the welding shop and out the door in the back. No one even saw me. I didn't expect to get away with it but I hadn't expected to open that door and see Sherlie Holmes standing there, shaking her head saying, "You seriously underestimate my sneakiness, Bells. Let's go."

I thought about trying to make a run for it like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive, but I was pretty sure that Alice would either tackle me or conjure up a pack of bloodhounds and sic them on me. Plus, I'm not very coordinated and had just spent an hour and half in gym class being reminded of that fact so I meekly followed her to her car.

I hate to admit that I had fun hanging out with AliJazz for the night. We didn't do anything terribly exciting-- just had a couple of beers while we watched movies in the den-- since we were getting up early the next morning to prepare for the party. It was going to be such a big production that it would take most of the day to prepare. _Alice didn't know how to anything simple. I don't think the word is in her vocabulary. _

I left the happy couple downstairs making out in the den around nine. I went upstairs to my room and settled in with a good book hoping it would help me fall asleep. As my eyelids drooped I hoped that they knew better than to have sex down there. Esme would kick some ass if they got any… thing on her expensive and butter-soft leather couches. I drifted off to the land of nod, but didn't get to stay there for long.

~//~


	6. Chapter 5 Goodnight and Go

**Disclaimer: **S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

**

* * *

Chapter 5- Goodnight and Go

* * *

**

Say goodnight and go.  
Whoa whoa. Whoa whoa

Skipping beats, blushing cheeks I am struggling  
Daydreaming, bed scenes in the corner café  
And then I'm left in bits recovering tectonic tremblings  
You get me every time

Why d'ya have to be so cute?  
It's impossible to ignore you  
Must you make me laugh so much  
It's bad enough we get along so well  
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home, you've got your headphones on and you're dancing  
Got lucky, beautiful shot you taking everything off watch the curtains wide open  
Then you fall in the same routine flicking through the TV relaxed and reclining  
And you think you're alone...

Why d'ya have to be so cute?  
It's impossible to ignore you  
Must you make me laugh so much  
It's bad enough we get along so well  
Say goodnight and go

One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me  
We'll have drinks and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you  
You'll sleep here, I'll sleep there, but then the heating may be down again  
at my convenience  
we'd be good, we'd be great together.

- _Goodnight and Go_ by Imogen Heap

~//~

I slipped on a pair of socks to keep my feet warm and left the guest room, where I had been attempting to sleep… _of course that attempt had ended hours ago, when the sex racket commenced…_ wearing only the navy boyshorts and matching wifebeater that I usually wore to bed. I didn't bother to grab my robe. No one else was in the house besides Alice and Jasper and, judging from the sounds that were coming from her room I didn't have to worry about them seeing me in dishabille any time soon.

"Stupid, horny, noisy Pixie." I muttered in frustration, irrationally placing all the blame on Alice and not her consort as I shut my door softly and made my way down the 2nd floor hall.

I felt hot and uncomfortable… _on more than one level_… and had decided a bottle of water and some distance from the operatic fuck-fest occurring across the hall from me might help settle me enough to sleep. And if worse came to worse, meaning they were still going at it when I came back up, I could always turn the television up LOUDLY and sleep on the couch in the den. _Or the game room in the basement_, I amended, hearing another loud moan.

I swear to god my friends either think they are rabbits or that they will be single handedly responsible for populating the planet after some random disaster of epic proportion in the future and are just putting in the practice now to ensure that they are familiar with the mechanics of it. _ If I get any more pent up, I just might be that disaster._ _Fuck, Alice and Rose were right… not that I would ever tell them that, but still... _ The way AliJazz and EmmElie go at it is ridiculous… and leaves me feeling like some kind of sexually deprived, couple-hating harpy.

You try hanging out with two happy, teenaged, sex-fiend couples and see if your nerves aren't a bit on edge. Not that I begrudge them their happiness and I am definitely not bitter. _Keep telling yourself that, Sweetheart. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. _Argh! Even my own thoughts are against me. I am single by my own design, thank you very much, but what I wouldn't give for a nice, hard, fu-u-u…

Creeping quietly down the stairs at this point, I was startled out of my reverie by a particularly loud moan, which, of course, caused clumsy, klutzy me to miss the next step and fall. I thought I heard a low chuckle, abruptly cut off by a swiftly sucked in breath, from somewhere below me. The sound of my blood pulsing through my veins was singing in my ears and my own strangled gasp, quiet as it may have been, drowned everything else out so I couldn't be certain about what I heard.

Not that I could spare it any attention or give any focus to it as the situation I was currently in… _trying to not plunge to my death_… was demanding all of it. I miraculously managed to catch the handrail just as I was about to thud down the stairs, and clung to it unceremoniously as I gathered my wits about me... _and if I am being honest, I had to check myself to make sure I didn't wreck myself._

Once I was standing upright again, with both feet firmly planted, I was able to give some consideration to the noise I thought I had heard, but after thinking about it for a few moments, I let it go. Distracted as I was by the whole 'almost dying' thing, I couldn't really be sure whether it had actually come from downstairs and not from Room of Carnal Delights behind me or even if it was just my imagination running away with me.

I listened intently for a moment, but didn't hear anything aside from AliJazz's reenactment of The Rape of Lucrece. _Seriously, I know Lionel sang about going '…all night long…' but I am pretty sure Mr. Ritchie meant it in an abstract sort of way and I definitely don't think he would approve of not allowing others to sleep._ I decided that it was most certainly my imagination and carried on. But still, as I slowly, and carefully, descended the dark stairs, clutching the hand rail with both hands the entire time, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched.

_Yeah, someone bypassed the alarm and broke into the Cullen's just to watch you nearly maim yourself on a flight of stairs. Cause you are oh so fascinating._ I chuckled softly at my absurdness as I reached the first floor landing, which was even darker than the stairs had been, and bumped my way to the kitchen. _I call it navigation by brail…_ I bumped into a table in the hallway almost knocking over an expensive antique vase… _but as funny as I find the activity, I have a feeling Esme won't agree when I break a priceless antique._

I could see a little better once I made it to the dining room thanks to the small amount of light coming in the French doors from the pool. It wasn't much light at all really, just enough to allow me to make out the vaguest of outlines, but it was a vast improvement over the near total blackness of the hallway that lead from the stairs and it kept me from bumping into anything else as I finally made my way into the kitchen.

The light from the refrigerator nearly blinded me when I opened it to quickly grab the water from where I knew it would be in the door. I was still seeing spots as I turned around, allowing the door to fall closed behind me. In the remaining second of light before the door closed with a resounding, but soft thud, I caught a glimpse of a rather large figure lurking in the very entrance I had used moments ago when I entered the kitchen… definitely not Jasper's since I could faintly hear him and Alice still going at it upstairs…

Everything started moving in slow motion.

~//~

Not being able to handle more than one shock per night, my heart made one giant leap into my throat where it ceased to do its job entirely as it sought refuge behind my vocal cords. I tried to scream, but my lungs had also decided to go on hiatus and with my vocal cords unable to work properly due to my cowering heart, what came out was more of a strangled, warbled gasp. To top it all off, my already flaky balance and coordination went completely M.I.A. leaving me pretty much on my own… _never a good idea._

I would like to say that I handled things with competency and skill, but that is simply not the case. _Hell, who am I kidding, that is never the case when it comes to me. _

I saw a flash of bronze as my water bottle went flying towards my assailant and my feet came out from under me sending me sprawling, flat out, towards the tile. I preemptively winced and closed my eyes, preparing myself; this was going to hurt. _Please don't let me conk myself out with a creeper in the house hovering over me… if it's not too much to ask?_

I felt a jolt of electricity jumpstart my lily-livered heart, which was suddenly back in my chest, as a pair of strong arms wrapped around my upper torso, managing to keep my head from slamming into the floor… although other parts of me weren't quite as fortunate. _Ass meet Cullen's' Floor. Cullen's' Floor… Ass. 'Lovely to meet you. I believe I know several of your cousins,' says Ass, hopefully not really meaning the lovely part, 'Swans' Floor, Forks Highs' Floor, and Newton's Outfitters' Floor.'_

My own arms reflexively latched around his neck in a surprising act of self-preservation.

"Are you okay?" questioned, in a slightly breathless whisper, the owner of the chest that I was now pressed against.

I should have been frightened and tense from danger as I was now in the arms of the kitchen creeper, but the second his arms wrapped around me I felt ease wash over me and I relaxed into their warmth. It felt good. It felt right. It felt safe. It felt like home? I blushed, thankful that my cheek was against the front of his shoulder and he couldn't see. I made no move to extricate myself from his arms or to look up at him as I willed my cheeks to cool.

I took a shaky breath with the intention of answering him but the most mouth-wateringly, delicious scent hit me and words escaped me. It was like clean spring rain, sweetness and… mint… with a hint of musk, and it was all man. I turned my face a little more into his chest and discreetly sniffed him attempting to burn the scent into my olfactory memory; I wanted to remember this.

My hero/possible murderer… _I wasn't sure yet, the jury was still out_… chuckled musically and, using one arm as leverage while keeping the other wrapped around my waist, stood us up bringing my body flush with his. He was at least a foot taller than my 5' 4" frame and my arms stayed wrapped tightly around his neck so that once standing, I dangled from him like a spider monkey. I pressed my lips tightly to suppress a giggle… _damn Alice and her stupid words that get stuck in my head and pop up unbidden as the most ridiculous images during the most inappropriate times!_

I shoved Alice and her images out of my head and focused on the present. Seconds became minutes and minutes became hours as his arm around my waist kept me pressed tightly to him while his free hand softly traced a path along the side of my body. I was stunned, struck dumb, frozen in place by the god I was clinging to. My rationality was fleeing quickly leaving my poor, lust addled mind… _who happened to be taking orders from somewhere a bit further south_… in charge as the stranger slowly, but confidently, slid his fingers upwards.

_What are you doing? Seriously? You don't even know this man! Slu-u-u-u-t! _Too bad my nay-saying self-doubt and low self-esteem hadn't fled with my reasoning. _You have goals! You cannot you afford a romantic entanglement._ Then my inner drill sergeant decided to join my other two hecklers in their balcony, the three of them just sitting there watching, judging. Look at the whore, look at the whore.

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_ Da-duh da-duh da-duhn, cue the Indian Jones music, hormones to the rescue. _You will not ruin this for her! _Chimed in Shorty, aka my little lady downstairs. _Yeah!_ I agreed with my defender. _Besides, who said I wanted a romantic entanglement? Why can't I just have the sex? _

My heart was pounding in my ears—_thunk-thunk, thunk-thunk_—drowning everything out except for his the sound of his breaths, which seemed to be coming faster as his hand crept higher and higher. Past my hip, now slithering snake-like over each rib—one_, two, three, four, five six_—up, up, up he crept. He flipped his hand over so that his palm faced him, curled his fingertips into it and…

The riot occurring in my head came to an abrupt halt along with my ability to breathe, and I was faintly aware of his breath hitching as his knuckles just barely grazed the side of my breast… _don't stop…_ before skimming nimbly across my shoulder… _you stopped_… and up my neck. I squeezed my thighs together, as inconspicuously as possible considering I was hanging from his neck, trying to smother the ache caused by disappointment over his hands' neglect of my pleasure pillow and attempted to redirect my attention towards bullying my inert muscles into action so that I could remove my body from his.

Just as I was about to succeed in coercing my possum-playing muscles to obey, he grasped my chin between his thumb and forefinger and gently tilted my head until I made contact with the most startling eyes I had ever seen and… _under direct orders from my little friend wearing the panties, my mind sent out an edict and_… my muscles played dead once again. His eyes were a vibrant, glittering green with a thin, barely discernable ring of amber around the iris. Mesmerizing… _and panty dropping. _

My eyes were trapped and sultry music played in my head.

… _I do not struggle in your web…_

I found myself unable to look away… _not that I would have if I could have_.

… _because it was my aim to get caught, but daddy longlegs I feel that I'm finally growing weary…  
_

"Breathe," he whispered. _Had I stopped?_

… _of waiting to be consumed by you…_

Our lips were nearly touching.

_… Give me the first taste…_

I sucked in ragged breath and tasted his breath, cool and minty-sweet, on my tongue.

… _Let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever…_

__I tried not to whimper when he dragged his thumb over my bottom lip. _I succeeded but only because I stopped breathing altogether. _

… _Darling, just start the chase, I'll let you win, but you must make the endeavou_r _…  
_

And then his hand hopped back to my shoulder and resumed its previous route north… _and I resumed breathing…_ to my hands that were still clasped around his neck. Never breaking eye contact, he gently released my grip on him and then lowered his so that he now had both hands against my back.

… _Oh, your love gives me a heart contusion…_

His eyes dilated and darkened to a deep emerald and I could no longer see even a trace of the amber as he slid me down his body so that I was standing once again. My shirt bunched up some, exposing a sliver of skin above the waistband of my panties and my whole body flushed.

_… Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red…_

His hands were now making direct contact with the heated flesh at the small of back, his thumbs rubbing back and forth absentmindedly.

_… Your hungry flirt borders intrusion… _

His body and hands were so warm. Each stroke and brush of his thumbs over my sensitive skin sent a delicious shiver down my spine and straight to my core. Every inch that he had lowered me allowed me a better view of his face and caused more and more of our bodies to touch so that by the time my feet were touching the tile, I could finally take in all of his features and feel every line… _and I do mean every line_… of his toned body against my softer one. My hands settled on his chest, palms down, allowing me to feel the movement of the firm muscles and the beat of his heart.

I greedily took in every inch of his smooth, pale visage, thinking that he looked slightly familiar… _that's because he is Adonis and Michelangelo's David combined… _but I couldn't place him. My eyes roamed from his smooth forehead down his aristocratically perfect nose, swept across his defined cheekbones, traced along his strong, square jaw to the point of his chin and then lifted up to rest on his soft, slightly parted lips.

Oh God, those lips! His lips were the archetype that all lips should be modeled after, plump without being too lush, well-shaped without being effeminate, perfect cupids bow. I wanted them suck on them, trace them with my tongue, bite them, and feel them pressed against mine… _or anywhere else he wanted to press them on my body_. Ungh! The things lips like that could do to my body… Just when I thought that he couldn't possibly be any more ideal… I noticed his hair.

His crazy, messy, shmexy, fuck me hair sticking up and out every which way in complete and utter disarray. It was the strangest bronze color that seemed to be a result of brown, red and copper, and possibly a few black and blond, strands mixed and blended together. It conveyed a laissez faire attitude with its 'just rolled out of bed'… _or just finished fucking_… look. My heart constricted a little at that thought_. I'm too young for a heart attack, aren't I? _ _Right, forgot to breathe again. Wasn't it supposed to be an involuntary function? Breathe in, breathe out…_

His hair was the perfect foil for his pail skin both of which caused his eyes to pop. In turn his eyes drew out the copper tones in his hair and the subtle luminosity of his skin. Every feature played off the other in a never ending loop of constant betterment. He was perfection personified, a living deity, sex on legs and everything masculine; in a word… beautiful.

… _I'm building memories on things we have not said…_

My thoughts and perusal of him caused me to become positively swampy south of the border and my cheeks to grow a deeper shade of red. He pulled a shuddering breath between his still slightly parted lips, drawing my eyes back to them. My tongue darted out and, as it would have been inappropriate to lick his lips, I settled on moistening my own. Lifting my eyes back up to his as I did so, I found them now locked on my lips.

I suddenly became aware of the very prominent hardness in his pants that was pressing into my stomach when it twitched twice…_ is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me? _ I gave a delicate, involuntary shudder and tried to keep my fluttery eyelids from closing. As I felt him pulse between us… _Helloooo, down there little… um—gulp—big guy. You wanna be friends…_ My mind raced a mile a minute but my eyes stayed locked on his. I was barely breathing now, not wanting to interrupt what I was feeling flow between us, the hyper-awareness of him, my hyper-sensitivity.

His eyes stayed focused on my mouth as his velvety voice said, "You must be Bella Swan."

_How the fuck did he know my name?_ I opened my mouth wanting to answer, to question him… _Come on, use your words, Bella…_but words evaded me. Instead, my mouth repeatedly opened and closed in a rather impressive display of my best fish impression. Rather than continuing to stand there gaping at him like a guppy, I bit my lip and nodded. _I am an idiot._ _Way to make a first impression…and on whom?_

"Y-you are?" I managed to croak out after another moment of staring at him dumbly.

"Alice's brother…" still staring at him blankly "…Edward."

_Eh? Brother? _I felt there was a vital piece of information that I should remember and willed my mind to cooperate.

_Oh, right. Brother. Edward. _The one that I had gone so long without meeting or even seeing…_ and, strangely, no one ever brought up…_ that I actually forgot he existed.

I knew there was some reason that I shouldn't be in such a compromising position with him, but the corners of his mouth lifted into this crooked smile, and my brain turned to mush causing me to lose cognitive capacity and most of my motor functions… _and I may or may not have drooled_. He was dazzling and I was dazzled. All I could think about were the naughty things that I wanted to do to him, have done to me, do to each other.

I swear my panties tried to crawl off of me of their own volition and my knees trembled and grew a little weak as they tried to do their part in making sure that 'Operation: Kitchen Sex Right the Fuck Now!' was a go, but his strong arms wrapped around my middle kept me upright. That fuck-me-hard crooked smile turned into a smirk and his eyes grew dangerous. He knew exactly how he was affecting me. _Cocky bastard_. "You okay there?"

"Mmhmmm. Ya. Fine. Yup." I answered. I tried to find something witty to say but instead quickly rattled off, "Alice and Jasper… really loud and I couldn't sleep, so I came down for water and, and… um, quiet. I-I didn't know anyone else was here and then you were and then I fell, well, slipped really, but you caught me… so thanks?" _Brilliant. _ _You are socially retarded._

I prayed that a deep fissure would open up beneath me and put me out of my misery. My burning face was now, what I was certain had to be, a heretofore unknown shade of crimson. I followed his eyes as they shifted from my lips and settled on my… Shit, my nipples were hard, and it was not at all cold in the kitchen. _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! _It shouldn't have been possible for my cheeks to darken any more, but they did… and he noticed. _Could this get any worse?_ Yes. I suddenly remembered what I was wearing… o_r, not wearing, as the case was..._ I was so far beyond embarrassed that I couldn't even react. I closed my eyes for a moment willing myself to forget about my lack of attire.

He delicately cleared his throat and brought his eyes, now forest green-almost black, back to mine, now open. "Yeah, no problem. Any-anytime."

His previously smooth voice had taken on a husky tone and, close as he was, I could practically feel the texture of it against me. His nearness combined with the smell and warmth of him, and the sensation of his thumbs still brushing back and forth so low on my back that they were practically grazing my ass, just about became my undoing. I had never in my life been so turned on. I nearly came right then and there. It felt like an electric current was humming through my body… _shock me like an electric eel_… and I wondered if he felt it too… _turn me on with your electric feel._

He leaned his torso ever so slightly away from me and, getting a little distance, looked down at me like I was both his saving grace and his personal torment. He closed his eyes, took a shuddering breath and then reopened them, his gaze trained on me. In the split second that they were locked with mine what I saw puzzled me, uncertainty and confusion.

Before I could question him with my eyes, he tore his away and searched the kitchen like he was looking for answers and would find them on one of the cabinet doors. He had either found the answers he was seeking or had come to a decision about… whatever he was contemplating, because his eyes flashed with resolve and the next thing I knew he crushed me closer to him, anchoring me there with one arm still wrapped tightly around me, it's hand tightly gripping my opposite hip from behind, while his other hand braided itself into the hair at the nape of my neck.

Our bodies seemed to have developed minds of their own and were busy twining around one another. One of my arms had gotten away from me and resumed its earlier position, latched securely around his neck, the other now gripping his shirt. One of his muscular legs had found its way between my thighs to press teasingly against the throbbing wetness at their apex. My already rapid breathing started to come in pants and one of my legs wrapped around one of his for stability as he pressed forward and inclined me back just enough that my heavy hair dangled behind me and he was hovering over me.

I knew that I must have sounded like a panting mutt, but I couldn't bring myself to care because, at that moment I knew that I was about to get what my body was crying out for. I watched with rapt attention as his lips inched closer and closer to mine. His hand in my at my neck gathered up all of my hair and then sliding down to the ends he wound it around his hand. Using his grip on my hair he wrenched my head back, angling it as he wished to allow him better access to my lips. It struck me as a little dominating, but fuck if it didn't turn me on.

This was turning into the most intensely erotic moment of my life… _so far. _I honestly couldn't recall a single sexual experience in my seventeen years that was more sensual than this one and this he hadn't even really touched me yet. _Can it be considered a sexual experience if he hasn't even touched me? I am pretty certain he is about to kiss me, that makes it a sexual right?_ My stomach was tightly knotted with expectation. My panties were completely drenched at this point and with his thigh still between mine pressing into me I had a feeling that there would be a wet spot on his dark denim encased thigh.

I could feel his breath on my face and I took a breath through my nose so I could breathe in his delicious scent again. It was there, but along with it I was positive I could smell my own desire. I sniffed again hoping I was wrong, but at that exact second I noticed him copy me. He took a deep pull of air through his nose and stopped all movement. His eyes closed and he did it repeated the move. _Oh God, Oh God! Who gets so turned on in a situation like this, that you can actually smell their arousal? _

I panicked and squirmed in a halfhearted attempt at pulling myself away from him. The movement caused his eyes to open and lock on mine. The look in them turned me to marble and I wouldn't have been able to move away from him if the world had come crashing down on us right then. They were pitch black and so full of lust and desire that I felt drunk just looking in them. I was sure my eyes had to mirror his. So lost in the intensity of the moment, he didn't even attempt to smirk at me like I was sure he would.

When he was sure that wouldn't move he started moving towards me again, never once moving his eyes from mine. His lips were almost to mine and my heart was beating erratically and painfully in my chest… when the bubble we were in was pierced by an awful noise. A shrill, nasally voice called from the formal staircase at the front of the house, "Eddie! Baby, where are you? I'm getting lonely all by myself…" she was going for enticing and breathless, but instead her voice sounded… _vaguely familiar_… whiny "… if you don't hurry, I'm going to start without you."

I stiffened in his arms. Shock and disbelief struck me hard in the guts, almost doubling me over. They quickly melted into a debilitating, concoction of anger, hurt and humiliation the likes of which I had never known. It was numbing, but the only things it was numbing me to were the sensations outside of me, effectively cocooning me in my misery. _Was he teasing me? Was this a fucking game to him? He had a girl, girlfriend, waiting on him while he was down here trying to… whatever with me? What. The. Fuck? _It didn't strike me immediately to question the intensity of these feelings because I was still gripped by the intensity of the moment.

Edward cringed and dropped his forehead to my shoulder, his harsh, pained breathing echoing in my ears, caressing my skin like sandpaper now, abrasive. As he straightened us back up, he turned his head into the crook of my neck, inhaled deeply and then ghosted his nose up the column of it before he began the process of disentangling us. "I'm coming, Lauren," he shouted over his shoulder.

He looked down at me one last time… _was that regret in his… no, not likely, wishful thinking on your end…_ and then released me, almost shoving me away in a movement so abrupt that I stumbled and had to grab the counter to keep myself on my feet before he turned and started to walk away. He had taken about five steps, covering all of the distance needed to exit the kitchen the way he had come, when he suddenly turned around. He looked at me, never meeting my eyes, and with a pained, disgusted look on his face he all but snarled, "Goodnight, Swan."

It came out as an accusatory question. Inwardly I recoiled, cringed as his words hit me, biting into my tender skin like a lash. I found some bravado that I didn't even know I had, pulled myself up a little, squared my shoulders and glared at him. "The best. Hope you and _Lauren_ have a lovely evening, as well."

His eyes snapped to mine, something flashed in them but before I could even begin to decipher what it was, it was gone and his gaze dropped back to the floor. He turned on his heel then and left me standing there… all alone, a gasping mess of desire and disappointment and inadequacy. I felt hollow and brittle.

I managed to stay upright long enough to hear him start up the stairs before I collapsed against the counter I had been clutching and slid to the floor. The stark realizations of the situation washed over me. _Welcome back Little Miss Suicidy. _He was on his way to be with the Shrill One who was somewhere above me impatiently waiting for him to join her and I was alone in someone else's kitchen at—I looked at the digital clock on the stove—3:00am.

I needed a moment to steady myself… _and for the pity party I was about to throw_. Bringing my knees to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my shins and rested my forehead on my knees. Sitting there, I relived every detail of the moment that I had just shared with… _him_, that culminated in the most callous, dismissive rejection I had ever experienced… _not including Renee's. Although that was different. Renee rejected me for dick, whereas I was just rejected by a dick._

The three hecklers up in their balcony, not having spoken in a while, took the opportunity to remind of their presence and proceeded to repeat that part of my little run-in on an incessant loop. _See, what did we tell you? This is what happens when you don't listen to us. Get your head out of the clouds. You are a mere mortal, a hag, what made you think you could possibly attract a god, that you could hold his interest or arouse his desires? Silly girl. _I pressed my kneecaps painfully into my eyes trying to erase the image of the way he looked at me before he left.

I was overwhelmed by a sudden desire to cry which made me aware of just how ridiculous I was being over someone whom was essentially a stranger. I felt a surge of anger directed at myself and my stupid, unreliable emotions. _Anger was good, anger I could work with, encourage the anger. _No man, especially not one I had known for just over five minutes… _was that all the time our encounter had lasted…_ had ever had this kind of effect on me, not one. _What was it about him that called out to me? I could have sworn he felt… no._ I had been reduced to a thirteen year old virginal school girl with a crush, instead of the nearly 18 year old young, independent woman that I was.

I wasn't a blushing virgin… _right about the virgin part, but the blushing… not so much. _I had had sex, I knew my way around the bedroom and around a man's body… _I was more familiar with my body, but my partners always got their rocks off._ I wasn't a whore, but neither was I a prude. So why the fuck was I letting myself be so affected by some guy? Was it just because I _was_ incredibly pent up and needed to get laid as was suggested several times by my friends during the past week?

If that's the case, I have a vagina and a set of tits, getting laid shouldn't really be a problem with those assets. If that doesn't work there is always B.O.B. my Battery Operated Boyfriend or my own hands. _Because they've been doing you sooooo much good lately._ And okay, he wasn't just some guy that I had made an ass out of my self in front of. He was Edward Cullen, my best friend's brother who I am certain to keep bumping into... _but we did go over a month without meeting face to face, surely we could go the rest of the school year… wishful thinking._ Well then, great, super. Life in Forks just got sweeter 'n Yoo-hoo. Forks. Shit.

~//~

I sat there for a good ten minutes before I felt confident that I wasn't going to cry… at least not before I made it upstairs to my room. I doubted I would bump into him… _that Lauren chick sounded like she was ready to go_…but if I did I didn't want to be crying. I got up, located my missing water bottle and tentatively made my way back to my room on the second floor. I breathed a sigh of relief when I was greeted by silence instead of Jasper and Alice's assorted moaning and groaning. _Silence. Finally._ I just to get to my room, burrow under the covers on the big comfy bed, and let the sweet, blessed release of sleep claim me.

As I reached my room, I spared one glance down the hallway wondering what door was Edwards. A tiny, traitorous portion of me wished that I was gripping the knob of the door… _I bet you do_… to his room and about to get into his bed rather than the cold and lonely guest bed. I let myself in to my room with a sigh and closed the door behind me before crawling into bed. I prayed that sleep would come quickly. I just wanted dawn to break and carry with it the promise of better things to come. Of course, with party still on, nothing good would be coming with the dawn. _Wishful thinking…_

I had nearly drifted back to sleep, thinking that the night was starting to improve… _about God damn time too_…when I was proven wrong and at the same time made painfully and acutely aware of the location of Edward's room… the third floor, directly above mine, or at least his bed was if I was judging correctly based on the sounds of the headboard banging into the wall and the shrieking of the girl he had up there with him. _Seriously, she sounded like an ambulance siren wailing. _

I pulled the pillows over my head as tightly as I could while still allowing myself to draw air… _was breathing really necessary_… and tried to sleep. I finally managed to fall asleep but not before listening to her fake her orgasm four times.

At least I hoped she was faking, because otherwise… God Damn! Edward fucking Cullen was a fucking sex god! And I was a very depressed girl with a vagina and clitoris that were threatening to commit suicide or at least jump ship- _We wanna be her lady parts._ Yeah, yeah, and I wanna toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards, okay?

_~//~_

_I was lying on my side with my top leg pulled up and bent at the knee facing the edge of the bed with one arm dangling off. I felt a weight settle the bed behind me but couldn't seem to find it in me to wake up then or when the blankets rustled around me. Warm fingers softly caressed the hollow behind my knee sending lazy shivers and warmth through my body. 'Mmmmmm.' I hummed in pleasure._

_Taking that as my acquiescence, the mystery fingers crept up the back of my bare thigh stroking and softly tickling until they met with the edge of my panties. My sex was hot and throbbing. One fingertip slipped just underneath the band and followed it from the out side of my leg all the way around to the opposite side before stopping just a breath away from the throbbing. My breath picked up and my heart thrummed a staccato beat. I popped my ass out and tried to push the soothing fingers towards my ache but his thumb and three unoccupied fingers splayed out, wrapping themselves gently around my thigh preventing me from achieving my goal._

_A firm, naked and very, very masculine warm body came into sudden contact with my back. The length of him pressed against the complete length of me with our hips aligned. My head weakly argued that this was wrong, I didn't even know who the man in my bed was, but in my still mostly asleep state it was my body that was winning the argument. I couldn't see him so I would never know who he was; I could pretend it was a dream and never have to acknowledge that it happened. _

_Having now convinced myself… and chanting 'it's just a dream' in my head, I gave myself over to my baser instincts. I whimpered, pushed my hips into his and then wiggled my ass… More, please? There would be no words; I would let my body do the talking, tell him what I want, and he seemed to be in agreement._

_He gave a soft grunt and tightened his fingers around my inner thigh. Sliding his hand down until it was just above my knee, he adjusted his grip and then roughly lifted my leg, pulled back and hitched it over his thigh behind me. I twisted my foot, wrapping it around his slightly bent knee locking myself in place and giving me leverage for… whatever._

_He reached across me and grasped my wrist in his hand as his other arm slipped between me and the mattress to grasp the wrist of the arm I was laying on. Pulling both hands above my head, he secured them in his previously unemployed hand. His lithe fingers, surely a musicians fingers… I'll let you play me any way you want… wrapped around both of my wrists like manacles and stretched me out in front of him. The feel of his one large hand fully encompassing both of my wrists made them seem tiny, fragile delicate and very feminine._

_When he was certain that I was secure in his grasp, his other hand moved quickly back down to my warmth. Making no pretenses about it he shoved my panties aside, dipped one finger inside my labia and in one long stroke he swept it upwards the full length of my slick wetness, slowing as he neared the pearly nub nestled in my folds. I held my breath. Almost there, almost there, almost there, replaced the words I had been chanting in my head only moments ago. _

_Just as he was about to reach my swollen clit, he veered to the side and rubbed circles around it. My breath left me in a hiss and I gave a frustrated moan as I ground my ass against the stiff tool pressed between us. He growled and, removing his finger from me he gripped my hip roughly halting my movements once again. A pattern seemed to be emerging that had me suspecting he wasn't going to be gentle and I became impossibly more aroused. _

_Simultaneously taking a deep pull of air, the scent of my arousal hit us clouding my head and causing me to squirm. He gasped and increased the pressure of his fingers on my hip as his whole body tensed. His control was dangerously close to breaking. He gulped audibly and then drew in a ragged breath. _

"_If you want me to make this good for you… if you want this to last…" his voice, husky with need and barely controlled lust, was unrecognizable but there seemed to be something familiar about it that I couldn't place "… you will stop fucking moving right fucking now. I am much too close to just slamming into you and fucking you until I am satisfied. And that's not how I want to do it… this time…" I shivered at his implied promise, forgetting that I didn't and wouldn't allow myself to know who he was "You'll behave?"_

_I nodded meekly and he released his hold on my hip. He plunged back in and picked up exactly where he left off. His circles grew smaller and softer with each loop so that by the time he zeroed in on his target his touch was whisper soft… and not enough. Fuck! I wanted… no, I craved more friction and fought with my bodies desire to seek it out. The only thing keeping me still was the knowledge that he would stop and I couldn't allow that. I was too worked up; I needed his touch too much._

_He repeated that exquisite torture three times, until I couldn't take it anymore and I gave up my vow of silence. My body had done enough talking… hell, it had been screaming and he had ignored it. I couldn't remain passive any longer. "Please…" I moaned out, pleading. _

_Holy hell, I would beg if I had to. I wasn't above it._

"_Please what, Bella?"_

"_Please more…" I hesitated not wanting to say it, but he made no attempt to increase his ministrations and I gave in "…Touch me. I need you to touch me."_

_Praise God and the mother of all that is holy… Fuuuuuuck, yesssss! Unghh. Touch me he did. Hardly missing a beat, he sheathed two fingers fully inside me bending them in a 'come hither' motion, the tips of his magical fingers massaging my front wall at just the right spot. _

_At the same time, he brought a finger, his thumb, back to where he had been drawing circles. He was playing me like an instrument, strumming me just right… his thumb pushed down roughly on my trigger… pressing the perfect combination of keys to make the most exquisite music..._

"_Oh, fuck… Damn it all to… Ahhhhh! I'm… Yessssss!" My words trailed off into a series of unintelligible grunts and moans as I exploded around his fingers. _

… _My back arched, stringing me tight like a bow, stretched out as I was. My toes curled and my hands, still held in his strong grip above my head, clenched and unclenched in time with the waves of the orgasm that pulsed through me. He ground his thumb into me now and concentrated the pressure of his fingertips on that magic spot he found inside me helping me milk every last sensation as I convulsed around him. _

_Before the feeling began to subside he choked out, "Bella… I can't… I'm sorry…"_

_He pulled his fingers out of me and pulled my knickers down my legs as far as he could reach mumbling partial sentences and half understood apologies the whole time. _

"_I… God… Fuck… So wet..." he nuzzled my neck "My Bella. Need you… now!" With that cry, he claimed his victory and plunged into me, sheathing the long, hard length of him fully in my depths. _

"_Ohhhhh! Ahhhhh!" I groaned out. _

_He growled into my neck as he withdrew and then, biting hard… that's gonna leave a mark… at the juncture of my neck and shoulder he proceeded to pound me for all he was worth, fingers digging almost painfully into the flesh at my hip as he drove us both towards release. _

"_I can't… ahhh… g-go slow. I-I-I… unghh, so tight... Oh, God… so close… I need to make you feel good… I need, need you to come for me, Bella. Come… ahhh… come with me." _

"_So, so… mmmmm… so close."_

"_Ah, fuck! Bella," he screamed out "now, come for me now. Bell-la!"_

_His hips crashed into me jerkily, erratically, and he lost all rhythm as he ascended the pinnacle of pleasure he had been striving to reach, driving us both towards release. He bit down on my neck again, harder this time, but in the exact same spot… yep, definitely gonna leave a mark… and I felt him jerk as he came inside of me. That was all that it took for this stranger, my unknown lover, to send me spiraling over the edge, tumbling in the oblivion of the most intense orgasm of my life. _

_I was panting and gasping and mewling and calling out, "Sweet Baby Jesus… So… unghh… good! So fucking good!"_

_I tossed my head back, drew in a deep breath and, as I crested my orgasm, I suddenly knew… _

_And I screamed out his name, "Ed-waaaard!"_

~//~

I was awoken with a start by the sensation that I was falling. Panting and gasping for air, I found my self sitting up in the bed, my mind fully awake and in a state of hyper-alert. I looked around me… I was in my room at Alice's. The bed I was laying in was destroyed, the blankets tangled and twisted around me. I was sweating so much that my thighs were slightly sticky but for some reason my nipples were puckered up like it was cold. _Seriously, they were hard enough to cut glass… really thick glass. _

As my breathing slowed down and became more controlled I noticed that I was trembling, my muscles were stiff and I was exhausted. I almost felt as if I had had se…

Everything came flooding back-- I remembered the party we were throwing that night, AliJazz having sex so loud that I was certain that every bird and small animal within a two mile radius had fled in terror, my encounter in the kitchen with Dickward, the whiny bitch faking her orgasms… J_ealous much..._ with the aforementioned Dickward… in his bed… directly above yours.

And the dream. _The deliciously hot, dirty, smutty, naughty dream…_

Oh.

My.

God!

I had had an orgasm in my sleep while dreaming of Assward.

_Can girls even have wet dreams?_

Apparently, because I had just had one. _That just happened! _I was mortified and I was also pretty certain that this was only going to get worse if I had done what I was worried I had. Please, please, please, please, please, for the love of all that is holy, let me be wrong. The thing worrying me was that I sometimes… _frequently_… talked in my sleep.

I was praying to whomever would listen that I didn't say in my sleep any of the dirty things or make any of the noises that I had made in my dream. If there is a god, any god—Zeus, God, Jova, Yahweh, Shangdi, Isis, Robert Plant… _He's a Rock n' Roll god. That counts, right..._ Ra, Jupiter—in heaven… _or the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but wherever really… _that last night wasn't one of those nights where I talked in my sleep.

_Please?_

I would do anything-- Hail Mary's, penance, never eat pork… or beef ever again, fast, give up an ovary…. _Hey, we heard that... _I wouldn't even ask that I didn't talk in my sleep so long as I didn't clue anyone in as to what I had dreamt about while talking in my sleep. I gave one final 'please' in my head and looked at the clock—6:30a.m. It was going to be a long day… _it had already been a long day, and it hadn't even started…_ and I was wiped out and dreading the start of the day. Wanting to put it off as long as I could… _or at least until the Godzilla of party planning pounced on my like I was Tokyo_… I decided to try going back to sleep.

I wasn't sure that I would be able to fall back to sleep, but I was sure gonna give it a shot. Thankfully, no sooner had my head hit the pillow… I was off to the land of Nod… _and blessed, sweet release… just not quite so literally this time, I hoped._

~//~


	7. Chapter 6 This Strange Effect

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns the characters and stuff, I just own the manipulations

**A/N: **Thank you to Mer for starting a thread for this fic at Twi'd. Stop by and say hi- www(dot)twilighted(dot)?f=44&t=4596&start=0&st=0&sk=t&sd=d&hilit=bad+habit

Thanks for all of you who added this to your story alerts and favorite stories. Also, thank you sooooooo much to the like two of you that actually left reviews. You rock!

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

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Chapter 6- This Strange Effect

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You've got this strange effect on me  
And I like it  
You make my world in white  
You make my darkness bright, oh yes

You've got this strange effect on me  
And I like it, and I like it

And I like the way you kiss me  
Don't know if I should  
But this feeling its love and I know it  
That's why I feel good

- _This Strange Effect_, Hooverphonic

~//~

Sleep _was_ a sweet release of sorts…_ bittersweet_… but it didn't turn out to be quite as blessed as I had hoped…_ unless you consider wet dreams and death by mortification if anyone heard your sleep talking during said wet dream to be blessed_. Regardless, it was a good thing that I fell asleep when I did and that I sleep as deeply as I do because apparently all hell broke loose shortly after. Since I… _thankfully_… _or not…_ slept through the scandal, I had to rely on Alice and Jasper for the scoop on the shit that went down that night.

According to them, it went like this-- Alice and Jasper had been startled from their slumber by the sound of breaking glass and someone screeching at the top of her lungs. Quickly realizing that the racket was coming from Edward's room, they looked at each other and at the same time said, 'Bella'… _Huh?_… before scrambling out of bed, grabbing the first articles of clothing they could find and dressing as they ran out of her room and up the stairs to Edward's.

"…I swear I will kill him if he laid a hand on her… chop off his balls… I ask for one thing… swore he wouldn't touch her… son of a bitch…" Alice was muttering under her breath all the way up there. For such a sprite of a girl, Alice really could be a fearsome creature when someone she loved was involved.

Jazz filled me in on that little tidbit private when Alice left us alone for a moment to use the restroom as she had left that morsel out of her version of the events. He said that he was unable to pick up everything that she said but the little bit he did hear had him chuckling despite his concern for me. He wouldn't answer me when I questioned him about her asking her brother to not touch me, nor would he explain why they were so concerned about my wellbeing.

He just said, "Bells, that's a conversation you need to have with her. She has her reasons; you know she does. You're gonna have to talk to her."

Alice came back in at that moment and, to throw her off our trail, Jazz quickly told me a joke so that I would laugh… _my face truly was an open book. _Despite his efforts my mind was turning over what he had just revealed to me… _Alice didn't want her brother near me. Alice didn't want me near her brother?_ She smiled at us as she walked past us to fill her coffee cup, and I forced the thoughts to the back of my mind to be dealt with later. As soon as she rejoined us with her coffee we returned to our irregularly scheduled programming already in progress--

As they approached his room they were able to make out more clearly what was being shouted and that it did not, in fact, appear to be me doing the shouting. Alice placed her hand on Jaspers chest to stop him and then shushed him by placing her finger over her lips. She got a mischievous look in her eyes just before she crept forward and put her ear to door motioning for Jasper to join her.

_Thud!_

"Ouch, Lauren! God damn it! That hurt." C_rash!_ "Would you please quit throwing things?" _Bang!_ "I said I was sorry. Baby…" _ Thud!_

Alice and Jasper grinned at each other. For her part, Alice didn't think it could get any better. It was about time Edward's man whoring ways bit him in the ass. She didn't know yet what he did, but she was positive that he more than deserved it. Jasper mostly agreed with Alice, but he was a guy and Edward's his best friend… Secretly he was a little bit impressed by all the tail his friend managed to bag, but he'd never tell Al that.

"Don't you 'Baby' me, Edward Cullen. How dare you call me someone else's name while you're fucking me?"

Jasper and Alice looked at each other again, eyebrows raised to the sky and eyes wide, while trying to stifle their laughter.

"I ignored it the first time it happened, when I was giving you a blowjob, because I wasn't quite sure what you had said…" at this point Alice was rolling on the ground in the hallway and Jasper was doubled over clutching at the wall to stay upright "…but then when you shout it out again while you have me bent over the arm of your couch…"

Alice couldn't contain her snort upon hearing that, but the sound went unheard by the people fighting on the other side of the door. The fight seemed to be escalating and it sounded as if handfuls of cds were being ripped off of his floor-to-ceiling shelves before getting tossed across the room. As much as she knew he deserved this comeuppance, Alice cringed; even she knew better than to fuck with his music.

Plus, Edward was going to be impossible to deal with tomorrow. He was incredibly anal about his cds. He somehow always seemed to know if one was missing or had even been moved. When she was little, Alice you to go into his room constantly and take switch his discs around and, sure enough, every time she did Edward was yelling at her within five minutes of entering his room.

The screeching voice was coming closer to the door now. "My name is Lauren, Edward. Lauren, not Bella! Why don't you go fuck that stupid whore, 'cause you are not going to be fucking me anymore?"

With that, the door opened to reveal a pissed off and hastily dressed Lauren Mallory… _The hell! Mallory? Ewww! Bitch had the nerve to call me a whore? Oh, hell no…_ tossing another handful of cds at Edward who was slowly advancing towards Lauren with his comforter held up in the front of his body like a shield. AliJazz barely had time to see the look of annoyance on Edward's face before he ducked down behind his mobile foxhole as Lauren launched her last round of projectiles.

Lauren turned on her heel and marched out of the room tossing a baleful glare over her shoulder and shouted, "Don't call me."

Alice was still on the floor, but had managed to quit rolling around and was only chuckling as Lauren coolly assessed her and Jasper. Jasper couldn't hide the smirk on his face but was enough of a gentleman to feign interest in the wood paneling and turn his face down and towards the wall.

Alice wiped at the laughter induced tears that had been streaming down her face, rolled onto her back and looked up at Lauren. "Morning, Lauren. What seems to be the problem?"

Jasper let out a loud guffaw at that.

"Al..." growled Edward from his room "...not helping."

"Shove it up your ass, Alice. You too, Edward."

"Now, now, Lauren. That's no way to talk to the guy who's dick were just sucking, is it?" Ali had a way of being infuriating without actually saying anything offensive… _or in this case, untrue_. She smiled prettily up at her.

"Arghhhhhhhhhh!" Lauren wailed before storming down the hall.

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Mallory." It was dead silent for several moments until they heard the resounding 'thud' from the front door, "What was that, brother dear?"

Edward slammed his door.

Alice picked herself up off the floor and stated loudly, "Don't think that we aren't talking about this later, Edward." And then she and Jasper went back down to her room and back to bed.

~//~

"I am even more in the dark than you are about why he would say my name while in 'the throes of passion', as you put it, Alice? I mean, seriously! I met him for five seconds last night and I told you, in complete detail, what an ass I made of myself in that small amount of time. So, unless your brother happens to have a thing for having water bottles thrown at his head or clumsy girls…

"I would honestly like to wipe the evening out of my head and pretend that this conversation never happened. I have enough to be embarrassed about every time I see your brother without this bit of information." I was pleading now. "As small as our school is and as much as you and I hang out, it is inevitable that him and I are going to bump into each other and I would prefer to avoid any awkward conversations, it's gonna be bad enough having to deal with Mallory. Can you please just drop it and promise me that you won't tell your brother that I know… what I know?"

It was Saturday morning and Alice and Jazz had just finished filling me on the scene they had witnessed a few hours ago. I carefully kept my face neutral as I tried to ignore the thrill that buzzed through my body and caused my heart to race when my two good friends gave me the play by play like it was a football game… _Alice is like the John Madden of Forks gossip except without the pen and the instant replay camera_. Remembering the look he gave me before leaving me in the kitchen effectively stomped the good feelings down and helped with keeping up my façade of confused indifference. Although, I don't think that Alice was buying it.

"Are you sure? You look a little bit flushed, Bella. Is there something that you're not telling me? Did something more actually happen last night…" she let the question trail off and stared at me with narrowed eyes.

Deny everything and make counter accusations. That's my motto.

"Al, there is nothing to tell. He startled me, I threw a bottle of water at his head, I slipped, he caught me before I could do any real damage to myself, Lauren called down for him, he left… end of story. And seriously, Alice… Lauren Mallory? I would have thought that a brother of yours would have better taste than _Mallory_. She's like the village bicycle… if that bicycle could give you herpes."

My day was off to a brilliant start. _Check please! Table One. _At this point I really wanted to go home, crawl into my own bed and stay there for the rest of the weekend… possibly longer. _Why were we friends again? _ I still don't think she believed me, but she let it go… for now.

I should have known something was up when I awoke at 7:30 a.m. to Alice bouncing on my bed… w_ho has that kind of energy that early in the morning after partaking in a night of marathon sex…_ looking at me with a fox-like grin, before drawling, "Soooooo, have you met my brother Edward yet?"

So not the conversation I had wanted to be having that early in the morning on a Saturday so I stalled, useless as I knew it to be. "Argh! Coffee first, Al. I know it's your favorite game, but it is way too early to play 20 Cryptic Questions."

That was how we ended up huddled around the breakfast bar in the kitchen with Alice doing her best impression of an interrogator. Sure, I had downplayed what had happened between Edward and me, but even with all the details… _or especially with all the details_… I couldn't understand why he would shout out my name while fucking that skank Mallory. _Shudder!_

And I couldn't decide whether I should be incredibly insulted about it or a little bit smug_… take that, bitch_. I was vacillating between wanting to slap him and wanting to fuck him. I weighed both sides-- On the one hand, he was a prick so I really wouldn't feel bad about it… _in fact, I bet I'd feel really good…_ slapping him, I mean. Also not going in his favor was the fact that he had put his dick inside Mallory's Pandora's Box and, whether he wrapped it first or not, ewww! That's just gross!

The 'fuck him' side was losing. Realizing this, I stared out of one of the French doors in the dining room sipping my coffee and pondering whether I should tell Alice what really happened between Edward and me, especially about that disdainful look that he had given me… Hmmm? Deviously clever plans were forming in my head.

If I slapped him, I'd only get to do it once, and that's if I was lucky. It's also not a very effective payback. Plus, I would look like a woman scorned, and that's not that attractive. But if I set the pixie on him…_ that would be the revenge that kept on giving… and, therefore, way more satisfying_… Out of nowhere, the energy in the room changed and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I turned around to see Edward and Alice glaring at each other and having what appeared to be a silent conversation. As I watched the siblings together… _okay, I stared at him at little… okay, a lot…_ I decided that maybe I would let the whole thing go

He was even more… more everything, than I had thought last night; sexier, fairer, impossibly more beautiful. Seeing him again in the full light of day threw my emotional equilibrium out of whack and did strange things to my body. My heart skipped a couple of beats. My breathing hitched and then accelerated as my cheeks reddened_. Get it together!_ I scowled down at my coffee mug and pretended to read the sarcastic phrase written on the side of it.

My sudden movement must have caught Edward's attention because he looked towards me briefly, his hard, angry expression softening… _huh…?_ for the two seconds that he met my now raised eyes before he crossed his arms and returning his attention to his sister.

This was going to be awkward. Alice looked a little smug as she looked at him and pointedly raised one eyebrow before asking, "Edward, have you met Bella yet?"

Edward visibly blanched at the question and looked at the floor but Alice, having turned to me when she said my name, didn't notice.

"Uh, yeah." She directed her attention back to him as he cleared his throat and returned her stare. Any remaining trace of unsteadiness smoothed out as he continued. "Last night. Briefly. I wanted to grab a bottle of water before I turned in and bumped into her in the kitchen. Lucky thing I did to. I was able to keep her from smacking her head on the floor." His eyes flickered towards me at the last part and he smirked.

_Asshole! But wait, was he flirting with me? In front of Alice? After what she witnessed last night?_

Without thinking I lifted my cup towards him as if toasting and, with a smirk of my own, said, "Thanks again for that. Although, I probably wouldn't have fallen if you wouldn't have snuck up on me." His mouth thinned into a tight line and I thought he looked irritated for a moment before his face cleared and he looked back at his sister who was looking at me. _What a Charlie Foxtrot. And where the hell did Bitchy Bella come from? _

I was irritated, but I needed to be polite if I wanted to keep Alice in the dark and prevent myself from having to discuss my embarrassment any further. I put a smile on my face, faked the good humor that I didn't really have and forced myself to say with a laugh, "Who am I kidding? I probably still would have slipped. I almost fell down the stairs on my way to the kitchen last night." I looked directly up at Edward as I said that and saw something in his eyes that I couldn't put a name on. I let it go. I could think about it later.

Alice laughed, "You are pretty klutzy, Bella."

~//~

"Come on, Bella." Alice said while rising from her chair and bounding from the room on her way to the stairs, the rest of her words floating in her wake as she made her way through the house. "We gotta get dressed. We have to leave for Port Angeles in an hour if we want to stay on schedule so that doesn't give us much time to get ready. Take a shower and get dressed. I laid some clothes out on your bed for you. We have a big day ahead of us today."

She set herself up so perfectly, that I couldn't resist. I had to go Frank the Tank on her ass. I looked at Edward and smirked. "Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot… stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time."

"Get your ass in the shower, or I'll beat your ass worse than the blow job instructor beat Franks!" Alice called from the stairwell.

"She wouldn't dar…"

"And I would dare, so get a move one."

"How does she…" I whispered to myself, letting my question trail off as I shook my head in disbelief. _I didn't know how she did shit like that, and although I was dying to know… there are some things you are just better off not knowing. _

I absentmindedly began to palpate the back of my neck checking for any unexplained lumps where she could have hidden a bug or tracking device. As soon as I became aware of my crazy behavior I stopped. _Even Alice wouldn't go to such extreme… hmmm; it couldn't hurt to keep an eye out…_

I stopped that train of thought right in its bat-shit crazy tracks. It was the clothes and the beauty shop routine turning me insane, it had to be. Time was wasting and I needed to get moving before Cleo came back down here, dragged me upstairs and bathed me herself… _and then punished me by forcing me into something worse than whatever she had already picked out for me to wear. _

I groaned and muttered quietly under my breath, "Evil little pixie. I like _my_ clothes and am perfectly capable of dressing myself, thank you very much."

"You certainly did a good job of it last night."

I gasped and spun around to see Edward casually leaning back against the breakfast bar with a smug smile on his face. My lip curled up slightly as I glared at him. _Smug prick. _I hadn't realized he was even in the room still. That was a lie… mostly. I knew he was in the room, I had just assumed that he would still be staring out the back door with the same bored expression on his face that bad been there the last time I noticed him.

"What's so bad about Alice picking your clothes out? She seems to have good taste."

"I hate playing dress up and not only does she treat me like I am her very own life-sized Barbie, but she acts as if I dress like a hobo." I sounded like a whiny and petulant child.

"Bella-Barbie. I like it. It's cute."

"Well it's not that much fun to be painted up and coiffed before getting suctioned into the provocative, Vogue-approved articles of torture that she calls clothes. I would rather be comfortable than fashionable any day," I said as I started put of the room. It was best not to tempt fate… _or Alice_… this early in the day and I needed to get showered and dressed.

As I passed Edward he caught my arm and spun me around before pressing me into the wall with his body. My jaw hit the floor in shock and surprise. _Unghhhhhhhh! My mind went blank and started drooling like a lobotomized mental patient. I didn't even know it was possible for a mind to drool. Wait, I wasn't actually drooling was I? _I brought my hand to my face. To my relief, I didn't find any drool but I did notice that my jaw was hanging open in a rather unattractive way.

As I shut my mouth, Edward placed his palms against the wall on either side of my head, caging me in. Keeping me pinned to the wall with his pelvis he leaned his upper body back and let his eyes roam my body appraisingly. My body was instantly on fire and my panties grew exceedingly damp. I squirmed anxiously and squeezed my thighs together not sure if I was trying to quell the sudden need I felt or desperately trying to cause some friction.

Edward smirked at me with smoldering, half closed eyes as if he knew how what he was doing to me, like he could smell my arousal. S_o fucking hot, the fuckwad! Fuckward! _ I panicked. Shit, he couldn't smell me could he? I was wetter than I had ever been, dripping wet. My entire body clenched in anticipation and my pussy started to throb as he brought his face towards mine, his eyes locked onto my lips. I licked my lips.

_Yes, please kiss me. Wait, don't kiss me. Baby, you can kiss me an-y-where you want. Gah, no. Must resist… don't have the pow-ah! _I was disappointed when he swerved away at the last possible second to just barely brush against the corner of my mouth instead of pressing fully against mine like I desperately wanted him to. Mortified, shamed anger was starting to flood my body as my cheeks flamed red.

And then everything else faded away except for the heat of him against me, his breath tickling my skin and our mingled heartbeats pounding in my head as he ghosted his lips across my cheek to my jaw. He kissed the edge of it, just below my ear, before brushing along my jaw to my chin and back once, twice and then he nuzzled my neck in that hollow just below my ear and took a deep breath. Holy fuck! Did Edward sexy beast Cullen just sniff me?

My knees got a little weak and I was suddenly aware that something had sprung up between us. My attention was drawn downward to his hips that still pinned me to the wall keeping me from sliding down the it to puddle at his feet. And then his lips were pressing into that same hollow and his tongue came out and licked the base of my ear just below the lobe so softly that I almost thought I was imagining it.

I was drowning in Edward fucking Cullen. His scent, the heat of him, so firm and so, so male. My resolve to ignore him flew out the window. Just fuck it. Fuck him. _Yes, please! _ I surrendered. _I think a white flag just popped out of my va-jay-jay. _ I didn't care anymore, and I didn't want to fight this attraction because his lips were brushing my ear, his breath hot and tickling. He softly whispered, "I meant it when I said that I _liked_ what you had on _last night_. I much prefer you in that over any seductive bit of fabric that Alice can put you in. It was sexy _and_ it looked comfortable, Bella-Barbie."

"Bell-la!" I jumped. Alice's voice… _fucking cockblocking pixie…_ called down from upstairs breaking me from my Edward-induced haze and dropping me back down to reality. _You might as well board it up, va-jay-jay, at least as far as Fuckward,_ I liked the name,_ is concerned. We hate him. He is a jerk who treated us rudely and crassly. Alice is not a cockblocker, we like her so be nice. _"What in the hell are you doing. Get your ass in that shower and get dressed right now. So help me God, if I have to come down there…"

Edward had pulled his face back now and he looked at me with that same infuriating smirk and those same smoldering eyes, but his lips twitched as if amused. The anger from earlier had only been smothered and was still smoldering somewhere inside of me. It suddenly roared back to life with a vengeance. I glared at him fiercely, not sure who I was angrier with, me and my stupid hormones or him and his panty dropping good looks. _Who the hell has eyes that smolder, anyway? _

He raised an eyebrow at my expression trying to read me and further irritating me. _What the fuck was wrong with these Cullen's' and their god damn perfection and eyebrow raising?_

"Sorry, just spaced off. On my up now, Alice." I called out as I ducked out from under his arm and made my may upstairs without looking back. I breathed a sigh of relief once I was safely behind the closed door of my room and then headed towards the ensuite to shower. I got halfway to the bathroom when I paused and turned back to lock the door out of ridiculous paranoia. I didn't honestly think he would come in here with Alice virtually across the hall, but after what just happened in the hallway I wouldn't put it past him.

~//~

Once I was showered, shaved… _who knew what bits of my skin would be revealed by whatever 'clothes' Alice would force me into wearing_… moisturized, blow dried, coiffed to the best of my ability and dressed, I applied what Alice and Rose insisted were the bare necessities of makeup, eyeliner, mascara and gloss, because it was better that I do it than either of them. I grabbed the few things that I would need for the day and set them on the bureau before setting off to Al's room. Finding it empty, I trekked downstairs in search of my beyotch.

I honestly wasn't trying to be sneaky when I stumbled onto Alice and Edward having a heated discussion in the little alcove behind the staircase, I was just coming down the stairs. _And honestly, they should have heard me coming._ I opened my mouth to announce myself, but promptly shut it as soon as I overheard Alice. I wanted answers… _Alice wasn't exactly forthcoming in the answer department…_ and this was the least uncomfortable and non-confrontational way to get them… _yes, I know it was wrong and I am aware that I am rationalizing away my behavior. Bite me!_

"I asked for one simple thing—don't fuck with Bella…" _The hell was that all about?_ "… stay away if you had to, but can you do that? Nooooo. Look, I don't know what exactly happened between Bella and yourself last night and I don't really care... so long as it doesn't happen again. Bella asked me to let it go, so for her sake I will, but you, Edward Cullen, will stay the fuck out of her pants…" _So he was trying to get to know Shorty a little better. Alice's hottie brother wants to do us, he wants our body… now I am singing songs using the royal 'we'; I am kyboshing that shit. "… _if you want to keep little Edward…"

"Alice, he's hardly little."

"… attached. Kapeesh?"

"Jesus Christ, Al, you act like I will fuck anything with legs and a pussy!"

"That was a crass way of saying it but yes, I do. You've already fucked everything in Forks that's not related to you or dating your brother. I finally have a friend who likes me for me, don't ruin this for me."

"First of all, I most certainly haven't fucked every female in Forks, but I have fucked a good deal of them. And Second, I already told you I wouldn't touch her. Fuck! I've followed your orders for over a month and I will keep on following them, I owe you that much, but it's getting more difficult to avoid her now that school has started and she practically lives here…"

"No one said you had to avoid her! You can even be her friend, just stay the fuck out of her pants. Got it? Good."

I was stunned and kind of touched in a way… _she didn't want her brother and his apparently man-whoring ways to ruin our friendship._ I was going to have to mull over what I had overheard, but I knew without a doubt that I couldn't touch him… _or be touched by him… _no matter how badly I wanted to. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have time to do my mulling right then as their conversation had come to an end and they were walking out of their hiding place.

I forced myself into motion and made as if I was just coming to around the corner, gasping at running into them.

"Oh, God! You two scared the piss out of me. I was just looking for you." My hand flew up to my chest for dramatic effect.

Alice giggled while Edward looked tense and wouldn't look at me. _Tell me I am not a good actress!_

"Sorry, Bella," Alice said still giggling.

"S'okay. What have you guys been up to?"

"Discussing the party plans. Edward volunteered to D.J. for the evening." Judging from the way his jaw dropped and his head snapped from the floor to his sister, I was pretty certain that Edward had done no such thing. "Didn't you, Brother Dearest?"

He sighed and swiped one hand over his face. "Yeah," he answered with resignation. "Should we give them familiar and comforting or educate their taste in music?"

"Keep it comforting. You can only lead a horse to water. Well then, you oughta go get started on your playlist. We are going to need at least two, but probably three, hours of music. I want to see the list by four, please. Oh, and include an hours worth of alternates in case I don't like some of your choices, 'kay? Start off easy with some warm up music and then work your way up to the hard party stuff." Alice smiled at him before adding, "Give Bella your keys before you get started."

"Hmmmm?" We said in unison while staring daggers her. _No wy in hell I was driving his car… unh uh, no way, no how. Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent._

"Give Bella your keys," she repeated using her 'Alice is Annoyed' voice and then loudly sighed when he made no move to comply. "Do I have to spell this out for you?" We both continued to stare at her. "Guess that's a yes. Somebody has to go pick up the party supplies from Port Angeles and I just found out that I have to stay to sign for some deliveries I am expecting and get shit in order around here.

"Since you have to work on your playlist and Em and Rose aren't back yet from Olympia, Bella is the only one available. She doesn't have her truck here and my car doesn't have the trunk space therefore it's gonna have to be your car. Now give Bella your keys."

We both spoke up then, talking over each other in a hurry to be heard—

"Alice, I am not taking your brothers…"

"Alice, I barely let you drive my…"

We stopped and looked at each other, both of us looking slightly offended, and then stated talking over each other again—

"I just really wouldn't feel very comfo… Sorry."

"No offence, I am just a little bit overpr… Sorry."

"You first…"

"You were…"

Alice finally put an end to our stumbling and bumbling over the others' words with a shouted, "Enough! Both of you. Edward keys," _ding, dong _"Bella, purse. I am going to get the door." She then trotted down the hall and around the corner to the front door.

I watched her until she disappeared and then awkwardly and nervously looked at Edward. He was looking pensively at the ground perfect eyebrows knitted together, but upon noticing me looking at him he sighed, scuffed his foot on the floor, pulled both hands through his already perfectly mussed hair… S_hit, does the boy own a hairbrush? Does he know what one is? Well I'm not gonna tell him… _and said, "Alright then. Let's go get my keys."

He walked past me and up the stairs while I just stood there unsure of whether I was supposed to follow him or not. Either way I had to go upstairs to grab my shit…

He stopped, only hearing his footsteps, and turned to look at me with a pained expression that was reminiscent of the one from the night before. "You coming?"

I nodded without making eye contact and followed behind him. I didn't really want to… but I didn't not want to either. We trudged up the two flights of stairs and into his room where he began to search for his keys while a silence that seemed weighted hung heavy over our heads.

Finally, unable to take it anymore I blurted out, "I am sorry about this, just so you know. If you wanted to give me a ride to my house I could just take my truck. It's really not a big deal."

He looked at me ponderously for a moment and then it was replaced with some unknown emotion that caused his forehead to crease.

"No, no, it's fine really. Bella…" his voice cracked a little as he said my name and he cleared his throat "… um, I-I'm sorry…" his eyes darted back and forth nervously from the floor to my face as he spoke, unable to look in my eyes for more than a second at a time "… for last night."

I wasn't really sure what part he was referring to—what happened… _almost happened, actually…_ with us in the kitchen or his faux pas in the very bedroom I was standing in, on the very bed I was standing next to… _looks comfortable… _

Before I knew what I was doing or could even finish my thought, I walked over, hopped up and sat down on his bed. I looked up at Edward, prepared to accept his apology, and noticed his clenched jaw and suddenly dark eyes. He looked angry. My mind chose that moment to jump back on its abandoned train of thought… what happened last night with Lauren.

As if things were finally going my way… _can you say 'delusional'… _at exactly that moment, he found his keys underneath an overturned and badly rumpled book. It was then that I noticed the catastrophic mess left in the wake of Hurricane Lauren. And without thinking yet again, because I seem to have no control over myself in this… boys… mans… in his presence, I blurted out, "Wow! Some mess you got here, Cullen."

He turned away from me quickly and studied the floor but not before I saw what looked like him blushing… _I just made Assward Rico Suave Cullen blush, I think_. Turning back around, but still looking at the floor, any trace of a blush was gone from his cheeks. He held his hand out letting the keys dangle from his forefinger.

"Keys," he said. _No shit, Dillweed? Is that what those are?_

Taking that as my cue to leave, I hopped up, walked over to him, snatched the keys from him and whispered lowly, "Apology accepted."

I headed for the door, intent on going to my room and sorting my crazed/out of control emotions before going to P.A., but was jerked to an abrupt stop by a strong hand clasping my wrist. He sighed… _WTF was up with all of the sighing for fuck's sake…_ and pinched the bridge of his nose for at least the longest time with his other hand, not speaking.

I stared first at his hand that was wrapped around my wrist in the same way the watch was wrapped around his and then to his face. I fluttered back and forth between the two too many times to count before he noticed and mimicked me, his eyes following mine as they glanced down to where he had connected us and then lifting back up to meet mine. His eyes traveled of his own accord back down to our hands before he shook his head clearing whatever had been fogging it up and released me.

"Wait," he said as I started to leave his room again. So I did. With my arms crossed and a 'what now' look on my face, but still nothing came out of his mouth.

"Spit it out, Cullen. I don't have all day. Your sister is wound up tighter than Tinkerbelle on crack and she is likely to go Bruce Lee on me if I am not out of here tout suite…" I let my words trail off, hoping to goad him into speaking already so that I could get going… _and because my wrist was all tingly where he had grasped it… and my knees may have been a little weak. _His mouth opened and he looked like he was struggling with his words, but nada.

"Well," I said, attempting to once again leave as he still wasn't speaking. It was self preservation; I had to get out of there.

"Just give me a minute…" he closed his eyes again only to open them a second later when he started to finally speak "…I really am sorry about last night. My behavior was atrocious. I would really like the chance to start over and maybe we could be friends?"

I was dismayed by the last part, not because he wanted to be friends, but because of the begrudging way he said it as he clenched his jaw and because he was only making the gesture to placate his sister. Still, I needed to accept his offer. As my best friend's brother and a schoolmate I was certain to be in his company at some point. Might as well make nice..

"Sure, Edward…" I held my hand out to him and he tentatively took it "… friends it is."

I gave his hand one shake and let go. I dropped my hand back to my side, flexing my fingers that were tingling again from the electricity I had felt when his skin touched mine.

"Friends," he said, eyes guarded but curious as he looked at his hand. _Had he felt it too?_

I started walking out and he let me go this time. I turned around, walking backwards as I continued to retreat, and stiffly said, "Thanks for letting me use your car. I promise to take care of her. Not a scratch. Bye, Friend."

Edward crossed his arms over his broad, strong… _enough… _chest and smirked, I wasn't sure if it was at me in general, the inelegant delivery of my thanks and goodbye or if he caught me staring at his chest, and said, "Backatcha, Friend."

He caught my eye just as I lifted my foot to take another step back, the intensity in his eyes throwing my balance off and causing me to catch my heel on the carpet of the hallway so that I fell through the doorway. _That was a graceful exit. _I managed to catch myself before I landed on my ass… _luu-ckyy…_ but just barely. His smirk turned into a full on grin as he watched me blush, turn on my heel and all but run down the hall, almost tripping again in my haste.

His laughter trailed me down the hall and most of the way down the stairs to the second floor where I retreated to my room, resting my forehead and palms against the closed door while attempting to gain my composure. It proved to be a bit more difficult than usual as every time my blush was almost gone, the event would replay itself in my head causing my cheeks to flush once more. _Stupid, bronzed, god-like jerk._ I softly clunked my head against the door to each syllable of the outburst in my head.

It took me a few minutes, but I finally composed myself enough to not fear having to face The Alicequisition that I would receive if I looked even remotely flushed or out of sorts when I saw her. I contemplated it, but I knew that there would be no avoiding her before leaving. She most certainly had a list waiting for me chock full of the Port Angeles shit needing to be done and/or picked up.

It was a little after nine in the ayem when I was finally left for P.A. Between directing the installation of the just delivered dance floor and something else that was distracting her… _based on the way she kept muttering his name under her breath like it was an oath and kept furiously tapping the screen of her phone, I was willing to bet it had something to do with Emmett…_ Alice barely looked at me as she handed me a list just as I had predicted.

"No," Alice shouted at some hapless, and unlucky, workman. "I told you I want it centered unilaterally between the house and pool."

I used that as my cue to quickly make my exit before Alice had a chance to turn on me or add any tasks to my list. Edward's car was a welcomed change from my truck, sporty and sensitive. She practically begged me to let a few of her horses stretch their legs and I couldn't deny her. I actually drove over the speed limit the whole way to P.A. _Being a Police Chief's daughter I have to admit that I felt a few pings of guilt, but nothing I couldn't ignore._ I rolled the windows down, turned the radio up and got the hell out of Dodge. Edward might piss me off and I would never admit it too him, but his car was all win.

~//~

The entire day was spent getting things ready for the party and no one was exempt from the detail. Alice put everyone to work moving furniture, gathering chairs, etc, including Edward… _Turns out he didn't so much 'volunteer' as he was 'volunteered.' I know right? Shocker._ I wasn't even there for the majority of the day as I was zigzagging P.A. picking up a ridiculously large assortment of pre-ordered party supplies and she still managed to pull her drill sergeant bullshit on me. _Bitch harassed me via text message. I really need to start leaving my network at home. I don't fucking want to 'hear you now.' Asshat Verizon guy._

I am not sure what exactly Al did all day. From the little I actually saw, it looked like she mostly flitted around from one member of her shanghaied work crew to the next directing the placement of twinkle lights here or strands of Japanese lanterns there while saying things like 'not those cups, use the other ones' and 'Edward, I am going to need to see your complete playlist for final approval by no later than four.' She was a bloody tyrant the entire day; thank the gods I didn't have to stick around the house for most of it… _not that it helped much_.

I had a lot to do… _and took my time doing it… _and didn't return until sometime around 3:30 that afternoon. Alice's harassment went into overdrive during the last two hours of what she accusingly referred to as my 'dilly-dallying.' _Pshaw, right. Me dilly-dally when Alice is waiting? You bet your sweet ass, Sassafras. _

Much to Alice's great consternation… _and my relief since she couldn't ride my ass when she was busy chewing theirs out… _EmmElie showed up shortly after me rather than at nine in the ayem as she had requested… _i.e. ordered._

Whereas I had managed to get all the way out to the back deck with a box of supplies before Alice turned any of her ire on me and was quickly saved by Alice ordering Edward and I to unload the car when he showed up outside, they barely managed to open the doors to Emmett's sky high Jeep before she tore them, but mostly Emmett, up one side and down the other and nobody saved them. Actually, Rose ended up getting off scot free since Alice pretty much blamed it all on him.

"Just where the hell have you two been all God damn day long?" Rose started to speak "If you want your get out of jail free card you'll shut up, Rosalie. I have a pretty good hunch that my delinquent, neck less, dumb jock of a brother is behind all of this. What, have you taken so many hits to the noggin that you can't tell time anymore? I said nine not whenever the fuck you feel like it Emmett…"

Rose might be a bitch at times, but she knew when to shut it… _usually. _She knew that Alice hadn't even begun; that was just the start of her tirade. It got worse for him and funnier for me the longer she went on. Emmett was just entirely too big of a guy for me to not find amusement at the way he hung his head and allowed his slip of a baby sister to verbally lash him. It was rather like seeing a fly take on The Rock. The fact that Em was always flipping me shit had nothing to do with how much I enjoyed the verbal body slam he was taking either… _okay, maybe a teensy-weensy bit._

Because Edward and I were still unloading the Volvo when the shit hit the fan, and I didn't want to find myself next on her list, I missed a little bit of the action as I continued my task but I must say that Alice actually displayed more restraint than I had been anticipating. The fact that he had picked up everything that was on Alice's list and then some is the only thing that saved him from her going completely nuclear on his ass. _Too bad for me, I would have paid good money to see that shit._

At around six with the dance floor in place exactly where she wanted it between the pool and the deck… _she had made the delivery crew set it up three times per Jazz…_ the bar set up and fully stocked at one end of the deck, and the music primed and ready to rock on the amazing outdoor stereo system hidden behind a wall panel on the opposite end of the deck, we were finally done with the house preparation portion of our day. The day turned out to not be nearly as hellish as I had imagined it would be… it was much worse. So much so that I actually found myself looking forward to the party.

Until I remembered what came next—dress up time—and both Rose and Alice were playing. They turned it into a marathon subjecting me to two and a half hours in their torture chamber of beauty. I don't know what the guys did the entire time that I was being needlessly poked and prodded in the name of beauty… _it's not like there was anyone that I was attracted to in Forks, anyone available to me at least…_ but they obviously spent some of it seeing to last minute details like turning on all of the lights, lighting the tiki torches, and even had the warm-up music playing in the background by the time we made it downstairs.

The girls strutted down in their summer party attire promptly at 8:30 pm, to the wolf whistles and catcalls of their significant others and were promptly swooped up to be thoroughly and soundly kissed by their men. I came down shortly after, looking at my feet in order to not trip while trying to not be disappointed that I had no one waiting to give me the same raucous greeting as my friends_. _Sure I teased them constantly about their PDA's, but it was like my good man Bill said back in the day, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much..,"

As I neared the bottom of the stairs, I felt eyes on me and traces of the buzz that I was becoming familiar with. I looked out from underneath my lashes to see if I was just imagining the hum in the air and two things happened simultaneously—first, I made contact with those mesmerizing green orbs of his and then I missed the next step and began to freefall down the remaining three stairs.

Somehow I managed to twist my body mid-air so that I would land headfirst on my back probably breaking my neck in the process. I hadn't even had time to brace myself for my impending doom… _goodbye cruel world…_ before Edward's arms caught my breathless self, saving me once again from a disaster of my own making. My eyes hadn't left his for a single moment since they made contact.

_Just friends, Bella. Only friends. Quit thinking about how good his body feels pressing against yours or about how sweet his breath tastes against you lips. _Not helping. Focus. _Just friends, just friends, just friends…_

He spoke in voice low enough that the other four people in the room were unable to hear his words.

"That's twice that I have had to save your ass in less than 24 hours, Swan. Are you trying to get me to wrap my arms around you? Because if so, I assure you there are much more pleasant ways to go about achieving that. Just admit you want me…"

I was flummoxed and flabbergasted by his arrogant little speech and although I was loathe to admit it, arrogance worked well for him… _and it fo schizzle looked good on him; I'd like to see him in nothing but his arrogance._ It worked so well, in fact, that my mind shoved everything out of it, including the reminder I was repeating to myself in my head, and focused solely on that moment.

I tried to open my mouth in protest, to deny wanting him, but he turned that cocky-as-hell… _and sinfully delicious…_ crooked ass smirk of his on me, stunning me. _I was fucking dazzled. _I found myself unable to do anything more than show him my fish face again. _You know… eyes bug out of my head, mouth opens and closes repeatedly… my fish impression. Not the best look ever._

It was proving difficult to maintain the distance that I swore to myself I would keep. He had been nothing but friendly to me since I arrived back from Port Angeles. We had been getting along so well as we worked alongside each other that I was almost able to forget about how dirty he had made me feel the night before. Edward was funny and quick witted, and I found myself thinking that we really could become friends. All the same, I really shouldn't have been so surprised when Assward returned.

"… and if not, then I need to let you know that I'm not always going to be catch you when you fall, my klutzy little friend," he said, his smirk now replaced with a sneer… _and he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for my pesky temper_.

I jerked myself free of his arms. Dizzy from both the fall and his nearness I stumbled a bit but managed to stay on my feet.

"You're a real dick, Cullen," I hissed before turning on my heel and marching off in search of the bar. Letting my words trail behind me, I shouted out, "Who's up for a pre-party drink?"

I walked through the dining room and stepped outside. "Wow."

The sun beginning to set bathed everything in gold, the lit tiki torches flickered and the Japanese lanterns hanging above and diagonally across the dance floor swayed in the gentle breeze. Seeing the finished product for first time, I had to admit that the place looked fuckawesome and that Alice definitely had a gift, but I couldn't say that her gift was playing nicely with others.

Where in the hell did they get the money for all of this shit. The dance floor alone had to have cost a pretty penny, surely she didn't throw it on the AmEx Black card that Daddy C gave her? Wouldn't he question her about something like that when he paid the bill? I didn't really want to know the answers to those questions so, spying a bottle of Patron and a grouping of shot glasses, I opted to pour shots instead.

I poured the shots, gave them to Alice, and she passed them out to the others…

_Rosalie slapped Emmett in the back of the head for taking a drink before we could toast causing him to spill most of the shot on himself. Rubbing the back of his head, he looked over at her and said, "Ouch, Rose! What the hell was that for?"_

"_Wait for the toast, Emmett! Gah! I swear to fuck you have no manners."_

_Alice and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I handed her the remaining shot glass sitting on the bar and she passed it to Emmett._

"_Thanks guys," he said sheepishly._

… even taking one over to Asswardwho was leaning back against the door frame of the dining room with his arms crossed over his chest and his legs crossed at his ankles while watching EmmElie perform their fucked up version of a mating dance with detached amusement.

Once the cups had been passed around, I cleared my throat and held mine up. "To a night of debauchery, a night of good fun, and here's to still drinking when the up comes the sun! Cheers, fuckfaces!"

"Cheers!" they all cried out before we… well, those of us close enough, Edward just raised his glass and gave a slight nod… clinked our glasses and tossed our shots down. Edward and I maintained eye contact the entire time—his a little too piercing and intense, mine mostly defiant and steely.

The door bell rang. Edward reluctantly broke away from our staring contest… _stare hard, Edtard… _and stood up to go open it, but was beaten to by the pixie… who fucking squealed, a lot, as she made her way to the door. _I know, right? WTF?_ I turned back around, bellied up to the bar and busied myself pouring another shot… _or five._ I was oozing disinterest in Edward fucking Cullen; I was the epitome of calm, cool and collected.

~//~

Not in the mood to mingle, be mind-fucked or watch silly, mindless little girls fawn all over the magnificence of Edward Cullen—rolls eyes—_gag me! _Instead I spent the first hour of the party hanging with Señor Patrón... _chillaxin with mi amigo. _Eventually I came to the conclusion that pouring shots was a waste of _my_ finite resources… _specifically energy, focus and Patrón_… so I decided to forego the shot glass and took pulls straight from the bottle.

Before silly, giddy, Super-Drunkella could make an appearance… _never a good thing, trust… _Em turned up behind the bar, towel over one shoulder… _or maybe he had been there all this time…_ replaced my bottle of Patron with a delicious fruity thing… _I suspect that it may have been a virgin fruity thing…_ and suggested, "Go mingle or get your sweet ass on the dance floor with Rose."

He leered and waggled his eyebrows at me. I gave him a smug little smile as I turned and allowed my eyes to follow his gaze until they found Rose and Alice holding court on the dance floor. I leaned back on the bar between two stools resting on my elbows while keeping Em's fruit concoction in my hand. I appeared to size Rose up for a moment or two, pursing my lips and tapping a forefinger against them.

"Emmy, Em, Em, Emmmm, how many times do I have to tell you…" shaking my head, I paused "… your Rose, while extremely hot, is simply too much women for me?"

Under the guise of checking out my girls I scanned the room for Edward. I found him knockin' back a cold one, surrounded by a bunch of girls. He took a swig of his beer and ran a hand through his hair as while some girl that I vaguely recognized from school carried on a fairly one side conversation with him. He spoke occasionally, his eyes flicking briefly to her face as he pretended to be involved in the conversation, but for the most part he scanned the party.

He caught me looking at him… _shit… _and tilted his beer my direction in acknowledgement. I returned the gesture and found myself unable… _or maybe just unwilling…_ to tear myself away from his gaze. He bent down to the girl who was still busy chattering away at him and placed a hand on her shoulder as he whispered something in her ear causing Chatty Cathy to blush prettily.

I was irrationally angry over his actions and was trying to rein in my inappropriate jealousy. Jasper materialized unexpectedly by my side and leaned into me so that I can hear him over the music. "Disgusting isn't it?" I looked at him curiously.

"Whatcha talking 'bout, Willis?"

He inclined his head in the direction of Edward and his fangirls. "All those girls drooling and practically tripping over each other trying to get at him. They're like Pavlov's dogs and he's the piece of meat. You know he's fucked half those chicks, callously tossed them aside and they would still eagerly go back for more."

Edward and Chatty Cathy were still whispering back and forth to each other. "And the other half?" I asked somewhat rhetorically since the answer was obvious with just one glance at the girls surrounding him.

"Well, the other half of 'em have watched it all and are just waiting until it's their turn."

"You know what George says… 'What's so sloppy 'bout seconds if it's working for you in the first place? In the first place second is where you wanna be,'" I half sang it. Jasper chuckled at me.

"P-Funk? I'm impressed, Chickie."

"Someone's gotta keep you on your toes, Jazz. Lord knows Alice can't."

"Witty."

Leaving his hand resting on Chatty Cathy's shoulder, Edward straightened back up as a tall, model type of girl that I didn't recognize with long, curly red hair and shorts so short that I was certain she had to be breaking several indecency laws… _note to self: ask Charlie about indecency laws…_ sidled up to him. She molded herself to him, tilted her head up bringing her lips to his ear and then whispered something into it.

Edward tensed and then his eyes darkened imperceptibly. Finished speaking, she pulled away and caught his earlobe in her teeth. She drug her teeth across his lobe briefly and then closed her mouth on it before releasing it with a pop as she caught his eye with a seductive, knowing grin on her face. _Bitchwhoreskanksluttymcslutterson!_ Chatty Cathy glared…_ I concurred. _

"And charming. Don't forget about charming," I said my heart not really in it. All bantering aside, I tilted my head indicating Edward and asked, "Has he always been such a he-ho?"

"Eh…" he rubbed his chin as he pondered his answer "… nah. He was actually pretty reserved and kind of shy, I guess you could say, when they first moved here. He was fairly of awkward and didn't really know how to react to the advances all the girls made towards him."

"That's hard to believe," I muttered. Jazz looked at me sharply, but otherwise ignored my comment.

"We threw our first official back to school party when we were sophomores and even though we had been partying and attending keggers since the year before he never really drank much. He was, still is actually, a bit of a control freak and he needed to learn how to lighten up and have some fucking fun so Em gave him a bunch of crap…" _hmmm, imagine that _"… in front of everyone about being such a 'pussy, lightweight, virgin, bitch' as he so delicately put it. That was Emmett's way of throwing down the gauntlet, so to speak, and Wardo had to man up.

"He got completely shitfaced and ended up with some older girl, who was determined to deflower our boy, wrapped around him. She got him into the house, dragged him into the library and had her way with him on one of the leather club chairs… not that he was protesting. With it being his first time and with him being piss-drunk, his performance was apparently sub-par and she let him know it."

I turned my head to Jasper, raising my eyebrows… _yes, both… _at him and then returned my eyes front. Casually looking down at my nails, I feigned nonchalance and pretended that I wasn't furiously scrutinizing down to the minutest detail the scene that was taking place directly in front of me…

Chatty Cathy still hadn't noticed that Edward seemed to forget her presence as soon as he removed his hand from her shoulder, she just stayed where she was and tried to worm her way back into the conversation that she had been bounced from. Edward, actively engaged in conversation with some guy whose face I couldn't see since his back was to me… _nice ass…_ (I was sure I didn't know him), stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, beer bottle still gripped in one hand.

The Jessica Rabbit bitch was still all over him; her leg had entwined itself with his and she was slowly and deliberately sliding it up and down his, her thigh coming dangerously close to his now obvious bulge each time she reached the zenith of her course. One long, perfectly manicured finger twirled a strand of his hair around itself and she leaned in to coo in his ear intermittently.

… while Jasper, understanding my question and pretending to buy my charade, continued speaking.

"Luckily for Eddie, she only embarrassed him in private. No one knows except me and now you. I only know because he confessed all of it to me when I found him drunk, mortified and half dressed in the library not long after she emasculated him and stormed out." He chuckled some. "Fuck, can you imagine how disappointed Emmett would be to find out she didn't publicly humiliate his brother? If Em knew about any of this you can bet that he would rectify it…"

He shook his head and jumped back into the story not bothering with any preliminaries.

"Being the overachiever/perfectionist that you will eventually learn he is, he vowed to not only master pussy like it was his fucking piano, but to learn to handle his booze like an Irishman and then he promptly set out to do it… accomplished it too. Now, two years later, he's the clit commander."

"So, your saying he uses girls for sex and then discards them because he didn't rock the world of the girl that took his virginity when he was fifteen and drunk?" Jasper shrugged his shoulders and nodded while I glared daggers at an oblivious Edward. "That's the sorriest, not to mention stupidest, excuse for shitty behavior like his that I have ever heard."

"I can't argue with your logic, but I think that there's more behind his reasoning that makes it unlikely that Edward's doing it to be a cad." _Good ol' Jazz and his slightly old fashioned words._

"So he's not doing for his own pleasure? Let's here your theories then, Jazz."

"Well, it would be a lie to say that he wasn't getting any pleasure out of it… he is a guy and as a guy he could probably find pleasure out of this…" he held up a round steel napkin ring that was inexplicably sitting on the bar "… if someone would hold it for him. What I mean is that I think he has been determined to fuck that memory away and prove to himself that he doesn't suck in bed by making sure that he never again leaves a girl dissatisfied."

"Jasper, your theory sucks. You might as well have said he was Superman or that he was bitten by a radioactive spider." I leaned into Jazz and pointed and then said in a comic book announcer's voice, "Look, in the back of that car… it's a girl… with a boy! No, it's Orgazmo!"

Jasper snorted. "While he has certainly given plenty of girl's orgasms, he's no superhero and I think I'm closer to being right than that. He really is a good guy…"

I scoffed at him and interrupted. "He's your friend though. I see what you are trying to put off, but I think that's just a mask he wears. I think he really is the bad guy."

He shook his head. "Bellissima… Look, I am not trying to make up your mind for you regarding him, but you just met him and I have been his best friend for three years. I'm just saying don't judge him too harshly before you get to know him. He is a great friend, a good son and a surprisingly great brother to both Em and Alice, and you know Emmett hardly deserves it most of the time. There is a lot more to him than meets the eye. Alice is flaggin' me, I gotta run."

He put his arm over my shoulders squeezing me to him in a one armed hug and gave me a peck on the head. "Don't spend the whole night at the bar. You're young. Mingle. Have fun. Live fast, 'cause it won't last."

He started heading to see his girl and I shouted after him, "I'm gonna die young and stay pretty."

I saw his shoulders shake slightly as he chuckled and he turned his head and winked at me before he scooped Alice up in his arms as she screamed in surprise and giggled from the kisses he pressed all over her face, neck and shoulders. Seeing the happy pair, I decided I needed another drink. _Le sigh!_ As I started to turn back to the bar, I caught a glimpse of Edward and found myself staring at longingly while pondering what Jasper had told me.

I watched Jessica Rabbit continue to publicly molest him I briefly considered that maybe there was some truth to his theory—_Whip, Crack!_

"Ouch!" I screeched and turned around to find Emmett standing behind the bar grinning evilly at me and clutching his damp bar towel twisted into a rope. My screeching caught the attention of everyone within 100 feet, so that they all turned to stare at the same time that I turned and got a great view of me rubbing my hand over the spot on my ass where Emmett's towel struck.

"Emmett!" I hissed, blushing. "What the hell was that for?"

"Just providing a little incentive for you to get your ass out on that dance floor like I told you to."

"I think I would rather hang out here with you."

"I am just gonna pop you again if you don't get to steppin'. Your choice." _Ssssssss!_ _Asshole._

"Can I another drink first?" I asked and handed him my empty glass. "This time maybe you could even put a little alcohol in it, hmmm?"

"One drink, with alcohol coming up, under the condition that you take that drink over to the dance floor and shake what your momma gave ya."

"Provide drink deliveries whenever my cups empty and I will stay there all night." I was in no position to bargain, but I gave it a shot. _Just trying to sweeten the deal_

"Only if you get out there and actually do a little bump and grind."

I groaned, but agreed… _I did it all for the booze._ "Deal."

"Keep 'em coming, Em," I added as I walked away to the dance floor. I knew my drink would follow.

~//~

A few minutes later, drink in hand, I was on the dance floor dancing with my best beyotches where I remained for… who the hell knows the actual amount of time, I was measuring everything by drinks and sips… _time it took until my awkwardness went away- one drink, time it took until the boyls were all up on me- 2.5 drinks, time it took for Skankward to hit the dance floor with Ginger, formerly Jessica Rabbit, suctioned onto him- 3 drinks, time it took for me to find a suitable hottie to suction cup himself to me- 3.001 drinks, time spent staring at Assward- 24 loooong sips, time spent realizing Assward was staring at me- same._

By the time I started on my fifth round, I was happily done dancing and was being escorted by the naughty hottie from the dance floor, a.k.a. James Hunter from Port Angeles… _I know, two first names, but you didn't see his crystal blue eyes and strong, square jaw line or have his abfab (and I do me ab-fucking-fab) rippedness grinding against you. _We made our way to the periphery of the light cast across the backyard by the tiki torches where we laid on our backs in the grass to, hopefully, make out under the guise of star gazing. Per my suggestion. _I have hormones too. When a hot guy rubs against me for the better part of an hour, am I not supposed to plot how to get him to rub against me in a less dancing kind of way?_

I didn't find his conversation to be nearly as stimulating as the few brief chats that I had had with Dick… _you so don't want to go there, Doll…_ Assward, but conversation with James didn't leave me frustrated either. So it was both win and fail in a way.

It hadn't escaped my notice that Assward's jaw clenched and he glared at every guy who got anywhere near my vicinity while I was dancing. It most definitely didn't escape me then, that when I left the dance floor with James' hand on the small of my back, Edwards jaw not only tightened, but his hands clenched into two perfect fists at his sides and he stopped dancing. However, I was not expecting it when he showed up where me and James were lying in the yard with Ginger, four plastic chairs, the same number of shot glasses and a bottle of patron right after James had begun to kiss me… _but before he could start pawing at me._

"Hey James, Bella. I see you two have met," he said looking at James pointedly. "Did Bella here tell you that her father is the Chief of Police? Shot?"

The. Hell? Seriously? _That cockblocking motherfucker! _Before my anger was able to really work up, I was hoisted off the ground, dumped unceremoniously into a chair and had a shot glass full of Patron shoved into my hand.

"To getting to know each other better. Cheers!" Edward toasted.

More than a little dazed by the turn of events, and still contemplating just how in the fuck James removed himself from me and Assward's stack of chairs were separated and placed in a circle so quickly, I placed the glass to my mouth and downed the shot before I even registered doing it. Three shots later, I was almost dangerously drunk and not only had I still not figured out what Justwon'tgoawayward's motives were but it was even more likely that I wouldn't. _Nancy Drew would have never allowed herself to become too tanked to sleuth. _Yeah, but Nancy's uncle molests collies. _Ooooh. Ouch. Burn._

It turned out that James was the owner of the nice ass that had been chatting with Edward earlier and he also happens to be the step-brother of Ginger/Jessica Rabbit or, as she so bitchily told me when Asswardo introduced her, "It's Victoria actually. Only Eddie calls me Vickie. We go way back."

I was about to ask just exactly how far back they went and in what capacity she knew 'Eddie' when she put her tongue down his throat… _I am no doctor, but I am fairly certain that that is not the best method of checking for strep throat… _and I got a pretty good idea of just how they knew each other. _Was the bitch trying to perform a tonsillectomy?_ Edward's hand was on her shoulder and it almost looked as if he was trying to push her off of him, but when she grabbed it, shoved it down to her boob and he latched on like it was his lifeline, I assumed I was wrong.

Sure, I was having a grand old time watching them make out and grope each other directly in front of me, but I had someone of my own I was trying to accomplish that very activity with. I turned to focus on my hottie with the (I now knew) very naughty body and found him staring straight ahead of himself white-knuckling the chair. Before he realized that I was watching him, he rose from his seat so abruptly that he knocked his chair into the yard several feet behind him.

"Vickie, we gotta get going. You ready?"

Victoria's had her head was thrown back to allow 'Eddie's some room to work as he hungrily licked, kissed, nipped his way from her collarbone to her neck. My heart clenched painfully in my chest even though I couldn't justify the reaction and I found myself wanting to scratch out the super hoooar's eyes as she glared up at James from over Edwards head. _You might as well get used to this kind of shit now since its par for the course according to your friends,_ I remind myself.

"Why don't you go without me, James? I'll find my way home later."

I was unable to come up with a logical explanation to explain James' sudden angry behavior, but found myself standing beside him… _only I managed to do so without sending my chair sprawling._ If he was leaving, I was certainly not going to stay here to watch Assward and _Victoria_ play tongue wrestle… _1, 2, 3, 4. I declare tongue war…_and maybe I could convince him to stay just a little bit longer. Eh, it was worth a shot and I could really use something… or someone… to take my mind off of the porno that was about to go down.

"So, Bella… um, do you need a ride home?"

I looked up at him with a mischievous smile and said, "Sure. Come here and turn around."

He looked at me funny, but did as I asked. I hopped up onto my chair, leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. As my legs came up to wrap around his waist, he instinctively latched his arms around them to secure me to himself. He laughed and started walking towards the house.

"I know I offered you a ride, Bella, but I was sort of implying I would take you in my car, but this works too."

I rolled my eyes and shut him up by squishing my boobs a little more firmly into his back and pressing my face into his neck so that my nose was just under his ear. I nuzzled into him and then reached up with my mouth and nipped at his earlobe before moving back down to trace my nose and slightly parted lips along his neck and jaw line. Taking notice of our surroundings, I saw that we were passing through the dining room.

"Take a left in the hallway and go up the stairs at the end," I whispered to him and then resumed teasing his neck and the little bit of shoulder that had been exposed around the neck of his plain crew neck tee due to me clinging onto his back.

"I thought I was giving you a ride home," he panted.

"You are."

I bit his neck lightly and took pleasure in his sharp intake of breath, barely noticing that he had been steadily picking up his pace since I gave my directions and was practically jogging down the hall. We had only gone a handful of steps up the stairs when I returned to his earlobe, sucking on it and twirling my tongue around the tip, when he stopped. He groaned as he somehow managed to pull me around to the front of his body, legs still wrapped around him, and pressed into the wall with his hands now gripping my ass while he aggressively assaulted my neck using his teeth and lips. My head fell back slamming into the wall behind me.

This wasn't the most comfortable position due to the handrail attached to the wall so he lowered us to the stairs never removing his lips from my skin. Our new position required that I arch into him to keep the stair edge from digging painfully into my lower back. It wasn't the most comfortable position either but the way it tilted my hips caused my pelvis to align perfectly with his so I wasn't inclined to complain.

James seemed to realize this at the same time I did and pressed his hips into me creating a pleasant friction that left me squirming and gasping and wanting more. I closed my eyes and lost myself to the sensations, focusing on his heat, the weight of his body and what he was doing to mine.

An unwelcome image of what I imagined _Vickie_ and_ Eddie_ were up to by now surfaced in my head and my eyes popped open. With a growl I grasped his head… _I would have preferred to grab at his hair but, alas, it was too short…_ and forcefully pulled it away from my neck before I slammed his mouth into mine. We both moaned and he returned my kiss with enthusiasm. We were devouring one another on the stairs, both of us displaying a rough edge of anger that comes from trying to fuck the thoughts of another out of your head, but neither of us cared if the other knew or were going to apologize either way.

His hand reached between us and deftly… _too deftly really, but I wasn't about to let a trivial thought like that interrupt us; I was using him to fill a specific need, I wasn't going to marry him… _popped my button free and unzipped my cropped jeans. I was aware in the back of my mind that we really shouldn't be going this far on the stairs, but he shoved his hand down the front of my pants and I tuned that shit out. Between the two of us we managed to shimmy my jeans and cheekies down just enough to provide him with better access to my sweet spot. He teased me and I moved against him trying to get the contact I craved.

I was moaning and whimpering and panting and so, so hot and wet. He bit my bottom lip hard as he finally plunged one and then two fingers deep inside of me. _Sweet fuck! _My eyes flew open and I gasped and arched further into him. He drove his fingers into me repeatedly and the closer I got to going over the edge, the harder it was to push thoughts of Edward out of my mind. I said fuck it, closed my eyes and went with it. I let James became Edward. I imagined it was Edward hovering over me and Edward driving me on and Edward…

"Errrrhmmm," Edward cleared his throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but your _sister_ would really like to go home now."

What the fuck was he talking about… _I don't even have a sister…_ and why did he sound so god damn pissed off? Realization came suddenly and James and I both froze.

My first thought was, 'Oh, fuck' followed promptly by, 'Nonononononono…. I was so fucking close' which of course caused that scene from Sliding Doors to pop into my head, 'Well don't just stop like that. You'll set a girl back three days doing a thing like that.' Naturally I didn't say any of this, I just groaned and buried my head in James' shoulder and whispered, 'oh, my God' into his skin.

James heaved out a sigh and said, "Yeah, um… Just tell her I'll be there in a minute."

Edward made no attempt to leave so James gave me an apologetic look and mouthed the work 'sorry' to me before abruptly pulling himself away from and off of me. He turned and walked swiftly down the stairs leaving me somewhat exposed. I glanced up as I franticly tried to straighten out my clothes with shaky hands and noticed James push past Edward who still stood at the foot of the stairs facing me but looking at the floor with a scowl on his face. I would have preferred that Assward wasn't still there, but was relieved that no one else appeared to be around.

Angry and frustrated and drunk, I finally got my pants zipped back up when the whole damned evening came crashing down on me and I started irrationally and uncontrollably crying into my hands. Edward was at my side seconds later, wrapping my in his arms and smoothing my hair back and asking, "Are you all right? Did he hurt you?"

He started to pull away when I shook my head no and so he resumed his previous ministrations while whispering soothing, unintelligible words to me. I tried unsuccessfully to push him away from me, but he wasn't having it. Instead he scooped me up in his arms and carried me, in all my crying and gasping… _and probably snotty too…_ glory, into my room. I assure you that when I pictured Edward carrying me into a room and placing me onto a bed… _because yes, I had pictured it a few times since the previous evening…_ this is not the way I pictured it happening.

He had me gathered up in his lap and was rocking me while I clung to him. I suddenly remembered how angry with him I was and scramble out of his arms… _those fuck-all amazing arms._ I pressed myself into the wall across from where he was sitting on the bed and pointed at him.

"You! What the fuck are you even doing here, Cullen? Why aren't you with Vickie… excuse me, Victoria still. Last time I saw you two, you were well on your way to fucking on the lawn," I spit at him and hate that it makes me sound like a bitter harpy. _You have no claim to him… and you never will._

His shocked face drops so that he his looking at his lap, then his hands came up rubbing his face before he dragged them through his fucked up… _and sexy_… hair. "I don't know," he croaks out. "I was with Victoria and saw you leave with James and I just wanted to check on you to make sure you were okay."

"I am a big girl, Cullen. I don't need you cockblocking me under the misconception of checking on me and I most certainly don't need you to check up on me. You are not my fucking father."

He flinches at both the 'cockblocking' part and and the 'father' parts, and he looked… utterly defeated? Still looking into his lap he said, "I wasn't… I didn't mean… You know what? Never mind.'

He started to storm out of my room, but I stopped him. We were going to hash out his bullshit attitude towards me right then if it killed us both. And, to be be completely honest, I didn't want him leaving me to go be with some other girl; I would rather have him in here fighting with me. "What is your fucking problem, Cullen? What is your fucking deal? Huh? Your hot one minute and then the next your cold. I don't get you. I thought we were going to try to be friends?"

"We were, but maybe it's better if we aren't friends, Swan? Fuck!" He shouts back, every bit as angry as me.

"Fuck you then, Cullen. Fuck. You." I am pacing around like a crazy woman. "Good. Fine. Whatever. Hopefully you can stick with your decision this time because your mood swings are really giving me whiplash. I don't know that I want to be your friend anyway." _It's true… because I want to be more than that. Lord only knows why._

Then I was pissed off at myself again because I had only met him the night before and, so what if he has a pretty face, I shouldn't have been feeling that twisted up over him being with another girl or not wanting to be friends. Why was everything so fucked up? He obviously couldn't stand me and he was off limits regardless, so I needed to quit wasting my time. Suddenly he was right in front of me, his chest created a wall, halting me so unexpectedly that I wobbled, but his hands gripping my upper arms steadied me.

He lifted my chin and his eyes bored into mine, all intense and serious. "I didn't say that I don't want us to be friends, I said it was better if we weren't."

I was almost stunned speechless… _almost… _but I had to know what he meant, "What the hell is that supposed to mean, Cullen? Quit being so God damned vague. Are we friends or not?"

He had a defeated look on his face again, but it was a different kind of defeated than before. Before he looked destroyed, lost and this time it's more of a surrendering kind of defeated look. Still meeting my eyes, he sounded sincere and only partially pained when he said, "I would really like that, Swan."

I looked back at him and quietly said, "Me too."

Suddenly we were entirely too close and the air was entirely too thick and the room was much too small. Even though it was never really missing, I was once again intensely aware of the electricity that always seemed to be flowing between us. We broke apart—him to the doorway, me to the bureau—and he opened the door about to walk out of the room when he looked at me somewhat tenderly causing my breath to catch in my throat.

"You okay, Swan?"

I nod and he turned to leave, but I felt like I had to say something, anything, that he couldn't just walk away without me first making sure that this was real, so I blurted out, "So, uh… friends then? For real this time?"

He nodded, gave me an abridged version of his crooked smile and said, "Yeah. And I promise to not behave like such an asshole this time. Night, Bella."

"Night to you too, Cullen." I offered a small smile of my own.

One corner of his mouth lifted a little bit more and he closed my door. I listened as his footsteps moved down the hall and then collapsed, fully clothed, on top of my blankets; the rollercoaster of the last 25-26 hours had exhausted me and I fell asleep within seconds.

~//~

It took some time, but Edward and I actually managed to temper whatever was making us act so bat-shit crazy towards one another… _quit acting like it wasn't lust that made you act a fool… I am ignoring that…_ and we did, in fact, become friends. Great friends, surprisingly.

School really kicked into gear the week following the party. Alice and Rosalie started cheerleading practice that same week, they were co-captains, the guys had football practice and I usually had to work at Newton's after school so we really didn't get to see as much of each other as we had all grown accustomed to.

Naturally we saw each other at school (turns out Edward and I were lab partners in third period AP Bio, but he wasn't there the first week of school because he had some kind of appointment or something to attend after lunch) we went to parties together and still hung out as a group when we could, but the two couples spent as much of their spare time with their other halves. Being the odd men out, Edward and I sort of gravitated towards one another and started gradually hanging out more frequently. The buzz between us never went away, but I learned to more or less ignore it.

He still dated random girls… _by dated, I mean fucked and only possibly took them out to do something beforehand…_ but, according to his sister and Rose, he was being more discreet about his indiscretions. Not that I cared, I was okay with it… _no I wasn't._ I didn't really date anyone due to the lack of acceptable guys in town. I still ran into James occasionally at parties, but it seemed like one of my friends was always with me so we never had a chance to finish what we had started. Edward never said or did anything regarding James and I, but I never missed the way he would tense up whenever James was around.

The months passed, we made it through the holidays with as little fan fare as Alice would allow… _which means they were big, overly elaborate events and she didn't respect my wishes to not buy me anything… _and suddenly January was upon us, bringing with it the end of the semester and, for the seniors, the excitement of being just a few months away from graduating.

My life was going great… which naturally meant it was too good to be true and the bottom was bound to come dropping out sooner rather than later.

And it did.

~//~


	8. Chapter 7 Insignificant

**Disclaimer: **S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N:** Thanks to Vanessarae for betaing this chapter, lots of smooches to you for being so fuckawesome and all around kick ass.

Thanks to all who have reviewed or put this fic on alert. Your awesome. Keep reviewing.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC  
****Mature Subject Matter, Should be 18 To Read**

**

* * *

Chapter 7****- Insignificant

* * *

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Can you see me up on the building  
From down on the pavement,  
Or out in the crowd…

…'Cause I am walking a tightrope into the moon…

... Oh can you see me? I am one in a million  
Yeah, I'm Icarus falling out of the sun

Could you see me fall in the light of spotlights and jackknife  
Through night as black as a bedroom, and white as a lie…

… Diving through the dark while the night turns blue  
Hey, are you aware of your intentions?  
Because I wear my intentions so clear…

…If you see me wading through water  
Come drown in the river right in front of the world  
You can wash your face and hands in the stream of my anger  
It's as bright as white paper…

…I don't want to feel so different, but I don't want to be insignificant,  
And I don't know how to see the same things different

- _Insignificant_, Counting Crows

**~//~**

"Whooooo! Whoooooo!"

The sudden call of an owl broke the silence. I startled at the sound and slammed my head so hard into the rock behind me that I actually saw stars… _you got knocked… the fuck out… _and may have blacked out for a moment… _a very short moment, but blacking out is blacking out_. I clutched the back of my head and winced. With the exclamation 'Son-of-a-bitch-that-hurt!' on the tip of my tongue, my eyes popped open and I froze. Taking in the sight before me, the words thankfully died before they could leave my mouth.

I didn't think that there were any left on the Olympic Peninsula, but standing on the other side of the stream, no more than fifty feet from me, was a pack of six large wolves. I had never been so frightened in my entire life. I didn't dare move and tried to keep my breathing to a minimum. The wolves either didn't notice me or didn't give a flying fuck… _please let it be the latter…_ as they playfully wrestled on the shore of the creek.

The smallest one of the bunch, a little grey one, sat down in the midst of tussling with one of his much larger pack mates, bringingought his back leg up to scratch behind his ear. He then threw himself to the ground where he began to roll around on his back with one eye closed and his tongue lolling out of his mouth. He looked so absolutely silly that I brought my hands up to my mouth to stifle the laughter that was threatening to burst from my lips.

I refroze when my hands touched my face, as I realized the foolishness of my actions. I tensed in anticipation of sharp, canine teeth latching onto my throat, praying that my movement had gone unnoticed, but closing my eyes just to be safe... _I am nothing, if not an avid avoider of anything unpleasant._ I was still alive ten seconds later, so I opened my eyes. Glancing across the meadow, I saw that they still seemed to be oblivious of my presence.

We stayed that way for several minutes—Meme, pressed into the log and boulder that comprised my makeshift bench, watching, with my hands still clasped to my mouth, in awe. And them, engaged in various activities from wrestling, to relaxing, with all of them venturing to the brook at one time or another to lap gently at the water. As if an electric current snaked its way through them one by one, they all came to attention.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up as the largest wolf of the bunch, a black one, sat down with his head thrown back and let out a loud, mournful howl. I stared, mesmerized and breathless by the haunting call. A russet- colored wolf, nearly as large as the black one, walked to the edge of the meadow. His piercing eyes latched onto mine, and held me captive. They were fierce, but did not frighten me. Instead, as strange as it sounds, they calmed and soothed me.

An eternity passed in a matter of moments while we stared into each others eyes, and then, before the echo of the Alpha's howl could die out, they moved as one, slinking back into the forest from whence they came. They disappeared in the nanosecond that my eyes closed to blink, leaving me to wonder if they had really been there at all or if they were just phantasms, delusions of my exhausted, heartbroken, and slightly inebriated mind.

_Who has delusions about wolves, really? I am an intelligent, creative woman about to begin grad school. I hope to fuck that if I am going to go all Cuckoo's Nest crazy, I would be able to come up with a better delusion than a pack of wolves._

I sat for a few moment s longer, unsure if I was too stunned or too frightened to make my way through the woods to the house. I wasn't sure of the time, but I knew it was late and that my friends were probably worrying… _if they even noticed my absence._ I got to my feet, wondering where these bitter were and vitriolic thoughts were coming from. I knew my friends never forgeot about me just because he had. Feeling guilty over the possibility of causing anyone to worry, I scurried off my makeshift bench and rushed across the meadow towards the path and began to make my way to the house.

**~//~**

**Four and a Half Years Earlier**

Five months. _Give or take._

That's how long it had been since I had even so much as spoken to my mother.

She hadn't called me and the telephone at the apartment was no longer in service… _no doubt she had forgotten to pay the bill… _and she didn't hated cell phones, so I had no way of contacting her. I honestly didn't even know if Renee was still in Phoenix. Baseball season was over… _hadn't seen Charlie watch a game in a while…_ but that didn't mean anything. From what I gathered, Phil had never made it a full season with in one place; Phoenix was the longest he had ever stayed with a team. Combined Phil's team-hopping with Renee's wanderlust and they could be anywhere.

Five months and I didn't know if she was dead or alive, and I didn't understand how she could just cut me out of her life when it had always been the two of us. I had never been away from Renee for longer than the two weeks I spent with Charlie, but it's different when you know you'll be returning… _to my home._ The only time I can ever remember worrying that I wouldn't see Renee again was the time in El Paso when I was seven and she dropped me off for the day with Consuela and then didn't return for ten days.

Instead she went to Mexico with some guy that she met at a biker bar she had wandered into, swam naked in the Pacific Ocean, and only came home because the tequila ran out and biker dude wasn't nearly as much fun when he was sober… but still, she came home, back to me, and it was only ten days; ten days was nothing compared to five months.

During those ten days at least I was able to occupy myself with worrying that something awful had happened to her because, as harsh as that sounds, it was preferable to thinking that the womaen who gave birth to you, who was supposed to nurture you, simply forgot you existed… _and, consequentially, didn't love you… if she ever had._

The holidays were difficult for me since I had never celebrated a single, solitary one without Renee, but no one seemed to notice. Whenever asked about my mother, I made sure to keep a smile on my face and replied with a simple, 'She's well, thanks' or 'Busy being a newlywed.' Since no one really cared how my mother was, they would nod and change the topic to the weather… _rained today, even more rain tomorrow. _

I could then put all thoughts of Renee back inside the little box in my mind that she had been relegated to. Thoughts of her were only allowed to come out when I was alone, although I tried… _and usually failed…_ to not examine them too deeply. I hated that I missed her so much because how could I miss someone who was never truly there to begin with? Weren't parents supposed to love you no matter what? What's that say about you when they don't? _If my own mother couldn't love me, would anyone ever?_

Each new question I asked myself inevitably lead to another one until… well. Llet's just say it was a very slippery slope. Intellectually I knew my logic was faulty, but my head could not convince my heart. The ache of losing my mother was with me constantly, lurking in the back of my mind and draining just a little bit of color from even the best of moments.

Forks had been both better and worse, but it hadn't been at all what I expected. I found a family, but had also discovered my kryptonite and what I desired the most all rolled up in one pretty package… _and then I befriended that pretty, and I do mean _pretty_, package. Can you say awkward?_ Edward and I had only agreed to trying to be 'friends'… _meaning civil towards one another in front of our mutual friends and/or family members and purely for their sakes_… out of necessity, but we had truly become friends.

… _Everybody's got their problems, ain't no new news here…  
_

Granted, it was an odd friendship on the surface… _one layered with dichotomies_… that was based on sarcasm, mental one-ups-manship and full of mutually antagonistic tactics and quite possibly shared attraction, although I was never really sure of the attraction on his end… _and_ _considering the way he flirted with anything possessing a vagina, and the fact that he was a man-whore in general, my doubt had merit?_ Underneath, I was every bit as connected to him as I was to Alice, yet we still kept each other at a distance. _See, like I said-- layered dichotomies._

… _Don't confuse the problem, with the issue, girl, it's perfectly clear…  
_

Aside from my mommy issues and a few other trivial things… _*cough* Edward *cough*_… life really was going well for me, the best it had ever been in fact. But, just as I predicted, it all started tumbling down sometime in January, during finals week.

… _You can bend me, you can break me, but you better stand clear when __the walls come tumblin' down, when __the walls come crumblin', crumblin', when __the walls come tumblin', tumbling', crumblin', tumblin' down…_

~//~

In addition to the exam for our biology final, Mr. Banner had decided to include a final lab that would account for fifty percent of ourt grade and would not be revealed to us until the day of. I arrived at class that day thinking that I was prepared for anything… until he announced the lab. Blood- typing. _Shit._

When I cut myself at Alice's pool party and managed to not go all damsel-in-distress with the whole swooning routine, I thought that I was finally getting over my aversion to blood. The next time I cut managed to cut myself, I found out that that was not the case at all. The combination of being drunk and riled up by Her Royal Bitchiness, dulling my senses and focusing my attention, was what saved my ass.

Unless I managed to get drunk and find someone to antagonize me in three minutes or less, there was no way that I was going to survive the lab without making a huge spectacle of myself. I glanced nervously around looking for Edward... _hoping that the pretty and his intoxicating scent would be distraction enough_… but he was no where to be found. We usually walked to class together after lunch, but I hadn't seen him since he had jumped up from the table and swiftly exited the lunch room a few moments before the bell, and he didn't seem to be in class yet.

I tried convincing myself that it was no big deal, I could handle it… _it's just a stupid prick of your finger, Bells…_ but it didn't seem to be working. I heard a buzzing/ringing sound in my ears when Mr. Banner held up a lancet before showing us the other items we would be using for the lab. When he was done, he had two students from the front row pass out the supplies. I made sure that they left Edward's on the table next to me just in case he showed up and then I organized everything into neat little rows for both of us. _I needed a distraction._

Once everyone had received their supplies, Banner called Ben Cheney up to the front of the classroom to be his guinea pig as he walked us through the lab. Grabbing a pair of latex gloves from off of his desk, he slid them onto his hands, gave one last tug on the wrists and then released them with the loud, familiar snap that I had always associated with hospitals. I cringed and a peculiar feeling crept over me. I felt as if I was completely disconnected from my body and I was floating away.

Banner once again held up the lancet as he launched the lecture that accompanied his demonstration. I took shallow breaths, trying to breathe as little as possible, but it was no use. I still grew queasy and broke out into a clammy sweat in anticipation of what was to come. By the time he had actually pricked Ben's finger, I was practically green.

I unexpectedly caught a faint whiff of blood and it was all over. My eyes rolled into the back of my head and my knees buckled as I fainted. My last conscious thought was to hope that I wouldn't hurt myself too badly as I fell. Luckily for me… _and for both Charlie's HMO and Dr. Cullen's sanity…_ my wish was granted and somebody did manage to catch me before I could hit the floor or hurt myself in any way. _It was about time Karma decided to get off her lazy ass and help a sister out... no offense!_

After that, it was all long minutes of darkness punctuated by brief moments of clarity as I faded in and out of consciousness. I remember being supported by a large, masculine arm that was wrapped around my waist. One of my arms had been placed around his shoulders and his other hand was gripping my wrist to keep it in place. My raised arm pulled my simple, long-sleeved shirt up, baring a small amount of my stomach and I could feel his damp fingers pressing against my skin. Something about the way he was allowing his fingers to lie against the exposed flesh of an unconscious girl sickened me and I groaned softly.

_Hello darkness, my old friend_…

I was being manhandled down the hallway, presumably towards the infirmary, and we couldn't get there soon enough. The jerky motions of my attendant were making me feel terribly ill. I tried to push him away from me, but my efforts were too weak to even be noticed. Realizing that I was in no shape to get anywhere on my own, I gave in… _'cause I had soooo much choice in the matter…_ and allowed him to continue to maneuver me down the hall.

… _I've come to talk with you again…_

With relief, I felt my attendant push open a door and pull me through it. We continued moving long past the point I thought we should have. I was so distracted by that fact that I didn't immediately notice the cool air that washed over me or the unexpected brush of damp fog on my face. Slightly more alert, I realized that we were outside and that I was not being taken to the nurse's office. I weakly lifted my head to reveal Mike fucking Newton's profile and began to grow concerned. _Where the hell was he taking me?_ Maybe he thought fresh air would help, because there was no way Molesto Newton's pansy ass had the balls to attempt anything at school while classes were in session… _would he?_

I once again attempted to detach myself from his side but the dillweed brushed off my attempts and I still didn't have the energy to put up a fight. As he continued to drag me down the sidewalk, I began to panic. _What. The. Fuck. Where was he taking me? Where the fuck was Edward?_ The molester… _who I was seriously considering renaming the rapist_… was losing his grip on my wrist. His clammy hand was slipping and when he briefly released it to adjust his grip, I used it to my advantage and did the only thing I could think to do in my state—I crumpled to the cool, damp sidewalk.

I pressed my face to the ground and tried to slow my breathing as the panicked breaths I was sucking in weren't doing anything to help quell the nausea. With my eyes closed, I took deep, long breaths of the clean air and willed myself to recover enough to walk on my own… _and hoped that Molesto the Ass Clown would have disappeared by the time I opened my eyes, but no such luck._ Just as he knelt down beside me and attempted to pull me up off of the ground, I heard angry sounding footsteps and felt someone shove him roughly away from me.

"Owwww! What the fuck was that for Cullen?"

Edward. _Thank. God._

"What the fuck did you do to Bella, Newton?" I cringed at the rage evident in his voice and cautiously cracked one eye. I sucked in a deep breath and was momentarily stunned by the pulchritudinous man before me.

Edward was standing with a fierce grace between the prone bodies of both Newton and me. He looked leonine, the ire I detected in his voice was evident in the rigid way he was holding his body—fists clenched at his sides, shoulders back, knees slightly bent, muscles taut—giving every indication that he was ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. He was intimidating, frightening with all his virulent anger on display… _and fuck-all if he had never looked sexier. _Another wave of nausea crashed over me and I reluctantly closed my eyes. My lips thinned into a tight line and I concentrated on taking deep breaths through my nose. _Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…_

"Hey man, I didn't do a thing… she passed out in class during the blood typing lab. She hadn't even pricked her finger yet or anything. I was just taking her to the nurse like Banner told me to."

"And you had to come all the way out side to do it? The fuck, Newton? The Nurse's office move? Last I heard the fastest way to get there was to walk straight down the hall. Don't make me tell you this again. Stay. The. Fuck. Away. From. Bella."

I heard the sound of feet shuffling on the concrete, a loud intake of breath and the thud of a something colliding with someone, followed by a grunt… _Mike or Edward?_ Neither of them said a word, and even though it was killing me to not know, the nausea still threatened to overwhelm me and I daren't open my eyes. I registered the buzz of his presence a split second before his scent flooded my nostrils and his heat enveloped me as he scooped me up off of the ground. _Relief. He was okay._

"You okay, Bells?" If I hadn't been able to detect the worry in his voice, his use of my familiar name instead of the usual 'Swan' would have given him away… _we never called each other by our first names, let alone nicknames._ My heart fluttered violently in my chest like a trapped bird.

"Mmhmmm," I managed to get out. _Eloquence, thy name is Bella._

Holding me securely in his arms, Edward swiftly walked down the sidewalk and into the school acting as if I weighed nothing. Molesto's angry protestations trailing behind us as we left fell on deaf ears. The last thing I heard before the doors slammed closed behind us was Newton lamely whining, "But Mr. Banner told _me_ to take her…" _Pansy-ass._

"Trying to ditch class, Bells?" I could still feel his anger radiating off of him and he spoke stiffly.

"No, you were absent for the first time since the first week of school. I thought I would use the opportunity and finally make my move on Newton," I replied flippantly. Edward laughed. "You can put me down now, Edward. I am pretty sure I can walk now." He pulled me closer and I squirmed. "Come on, put me down."

_Please put me down. You have no idea what being this close to you does to me._

"Bella?"

"Edward?"

"Shut up." He smirked at me and I was done.

No use arguing, I closed my eye's, buried my head in his shoulder and concentrated on not puking the rest of the way to the nurse's office. _'Cause that would be the perfect show of gratitude—'Thanks for saving me from being groped by Newton… raaaaalph!' Yeah, I'll pass thanks. _

~//~

Edward flung open the door to the nurse's office, startling the old nurse out of her nap. He carried me inside to the cracked and worn vinyl cot. The paper strip running down the center crinkled loudly as he placed me gently on top of it. Lying back, I kept one foot flat on the floor, cracked one eye and trained it on a water spot on one of the ceiling tiles above me. _A failsafe trick to keep the nausea at bay that I had perfected after over-imbibing one too many times. And they say you don't learn anything useful out of partying. _

He looked at the nurse as he sat me down and said simply, "Blood typing in bio."

"There's always one." Edward snickered and pressed himself against the far wall. I glared at him and he had the good sense and politeness to look repentant.

"Just lie there, Dear. It'll pass soon."

"I know," I said nodding.

"Does this happen a lot?" She asked, resulting in an impromptu 'coughing' fit from Edward.

"Sometimes." I discreetly flipped him the bird.

She looked back and forth between Edward and me for a moment before apparently deciding that his presence was no longer necessary.

"You can go ahead and head back to class, Mr. Cullen."

"Mr. Banner asked me to wait here with Ms. Swan, Ma'am," Edward lied effortlessly with a beguiling smile in place on his handsome face. _Who could resist that face? _

She looked like she was about to argue… a_pparently our 75 year old school nurse, that's who…_ but the door flew open and in stepped Newton with another sad sack who had proven unable to handle the blood. She shrugged her shoulders at Edward as if to say, 'Whatever' and shifted her attention to the new kid. The scent of copper wafted towards me, and I took that as my cue to bail out of there before my slowly abating nausea decided to stick around longer.

"I'm feeling a bit better now. I think I will just head back to class." I said as I rose from the bed as quickly as possible. I escaped the room, but only made it to the chairs sitting against the opposite wall directly in front of Mrs. Cope's desk, Edward hot on my heels, before I collapsed. I glanced up and saw Edward gazing at me curiously.

"I smelled the blood," I explained.

"Swan, vampires and sharks smell blood, people don't," he stated. _And I'm back to Swan._

"Well, I do. It's what makes me sick—it smells like copper and rust… and salt." I cringed.

Mike stepped out of the nurse's office, hands in his pocket and glowering at Edward. He looked at me, his expression sullen… _good, let me know when it progresses to dejected and rejected._ "You coming back to class, Bella?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Are they still blood typing?"

"Yeah."

"Then no..." his eyebrows furrowed… _I possibly ruined his chances of ever having children a few months ago, and he continued to hit on me, yet I am shocked that I have to spell something as simple as this out to him_… from his effort to comprehend "… because I would just have to leave again." _ Still nothing…_

"Goodbye, Mike," Edward intervened before I snapped. _I know he doesn't have the brains God gave a gnat, but does Newton have any deductive reasoning skills?_

"I was talking to Bella." _That would be negatory._

"Goodbye, Newton," I snapped while rolling my eyes.

Finally jumping on the clue train, he mumbled out a 'bye, see you in gym then' and went back to class. I closed my eyes and groaning, covered my face with both hands.

"What?" Edward asked.

"I have Gym next," I wailed. "Newton and the Doublemint skanks have it with me. Fuck. My. Life."

"I can help you with that…" trademark smirk in place, disheveled hair making him look even more the rapscallion, he winked at me "… if you'd like?"

_Sooooo fuck-hot my uterus clenched. My mind slipped away and took a pretty little stroll to Smutsville, population: 1. _We are just friends and I am cool with that, but it would greatly help my self-control if he would quit looking so fucking ambrosial. He needs to turn those eyes of his down a click or two 'cause right now they are set on stun, and resistance is truly becoming futile_. I am a woman; I can only be expected to endure so much._

Noticing my blank stare, he waved his hand in front of my face and grew a little concerned. "Uh, Bella…"

"I'd definitely like," I breathed and then blushed when I realized that I didn't have a clue as to what the question had been. "Umm, I'm sorry. What was the question again?"

I saw a brief gleam in his eyes and I knew that he knew of the eaffect he was having on me… _and he knew that I knew that he knew_… but we had become adept at ignoring accidental innuendo and sexually charged comments like that over the months of our friendship… _sarcasm, it diffuses almost any situation._

"Kill the charm, Captain Kirk. There will be no beaming me aboard… or any type of boarding at all, for that matter. You were gonna get me out of gym somehow?" I raised my eyebrows at him again and he cocked one of his. _Stupid, smug, eyebrow raising show-off. Hey everybody, come and see how cool I am. I can raise one of my eyebrows__._

"Who says I was attempting any boarding of any kind? You have a rather high opinion of yourself. Now, can you sit there and look pale while I go work my magic?" _Asshole._

"Can I look pale?" I scoffed. _It's January in Forks and I am Casper's long laost cousin. Stupid question, Cullen._

"What?"

"Go work your magic, Don Juan."

He turned and walked towards Mrs. Cope's desk so I leaned back in chair with my eyes closed… _maybe they were open just a smidge…_ and tried to look faint. I already had the pale part down and my skin was still a bit clammy, so it wasn't that difficult a task. Edward and Mrs. Cope spoke in low tones so I didn't catch any of the conversation, but I did see Mrs. Cope glance towards me a couple times. Edward leaned into her, turning on the charm, and I gave a low moan.

Sooner than expected, Edward stood up and said, "I am just going to go back to class to collect Isabella's books and let Mr. Banner know what's going on. Do you think I could get a note for him?"

"Oh, of course Edward-dear. It's awfully nice of you to offer to take Isabella home. I just hate bothering the Chief while he is on duty…" Edward turned and winked at me… _stupid, irresistible, charmer… _while Mrs. Cope continued to ramble on as she wrote out the note. I rolled my closed eyes… _Note to self- rolling your eyes while they are closed lacks effectiveness and makes you look as if you are having a seizure._

~//~

Signed excuse slip in hand, Edward strode off to the classroom, while I remained sitting there with my eyes closed. I must have dozed off… _fainting spells always had exhausted me… _because the next thing I knew Edward was leaning over me softly stroking my cheek with the back of his hand.

"Bella? Bella, wake up," he murmured.

"Hmmm?" My eyelids fluttered, reluctant to open.

He smirked over me, that impish look in his eyes. "Let's go. You need me to carry you, Swan?"

"Huh? What? Where are you going? And no, I am perfectly fine on my own." He looked at me skeptically, so I shot up out of the chair… _too quickly it would seem_… to prove it to him. Dizzy and wobbling and not proving my point at all, I closed my eyes and reached for the wall, but found myself clutching one of Edward's arms instead.

When he was sure that I was fairly balanced… _as well balanced as I ever am, natch_… he wrapped his arm around my waist and gently guided me towards the doors at the front of the school and out the doors. My hormones and my head were waging battle. My hormones crying out _'Touch us more!' _My head pleading_ 'Please stop touching, please stop touching…' My head was such a pussy!_

"I am taking you home, Swan," he explained with a condescending tone that somehow still managed to retain all of that cocky charm that was just a part of who he was… and also had the ability to piss me off. _… justJust assumes that he is going to get his way... I am not a child... thinks he can tell me what to do… Gah! Sooooo sexy… Want to touch the heiney!_ Shut up, Shorty!_ That Teutonic twat is always trying to put her two cents in… Not interested in hearing it. I know your opinion already._

"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home, Cullen!" _Ass._ I forcefully pulled away from him and headed in the direction of my truck.

I only managed to get a few stumbling steps away from him when I felt him grab the hood of my coat and use it to haul me back to him. My back slammed into his chest… _my ass against another part of his anatomy that had much more of my focus…_ before I could get my bearings he had gripped my shoulders and whirled me around to face him, holding me up when vertigo… _and the knee-weakening, domineering way he was handling me…_hit. _Yes, Master._

"Swan," he said between gritted teeth. "You can do this my way and walk with me to the Volvo so that I can take you home or I _will_ throw you over my shoulder and carry you there kicking and screaming if I have to. After all…" his tone turned pleasant again, saccharine, but didn't match his eyes "…I told Mrs. Cope that I was taking you home and I am a man of my word, if nothing else."

His eyes were narrowed on me and determined. I bit my lip and looked from him to my truck a couple of times, calculating my chances… not good, and that was if I managed to pry myself away from him and not fall as I ran. He still had one hand on my shoulder, but the other one was on my hip where he had moved it to when I stumbled. Both hands had a firm grip on me.

"My truck?" I squeaked like a mouse cowering under the gaze of a cat.

"Alice."

My face, open book that it usually was, must have registered my defeat because he smirked at me, turned me back around, re-wound his arm around my waist and guided a compliant me to the Volvo.

"Ah, see? You can be reasonable on occasion. Was that so hard, Swan?" _That's what she said._

I was annoyed and furious…_ turned on like you would not believe, but still absolutely livid. _ "You're pushing it, Cullen. I could always call the Chief and tell him that you're accosting me," I threatened.

Charlie had pretty much freaked Edward out the few times he had been home when Edward had come round the house to work on a bio assignment or on some errand of his sisters. _It might have been hitting below the belt but a girl's got to use what she's got and I have a Police Chief Poppa. _

He ignored me… _because apparently the idea of him accosting me was so laughable that no one would believe it, not even Charlie and certainly not Edward…_ and continued walking us towards his car. When we finally arrived at the Volvo, Edward opened my door for me, helped me inside and buckled me in… _I'm not an invalid, you dick!_

Pouting like a five year old child… _complete with the pooched- out bottom lip and crossed arms_… I balefully glared at him and was, in general, as uncooperative as possible while he tried to get the seatbelt on me and latched. His hand accidentally grazed my left breast, brushing across my nipple, as he withdrew his hand from the buckle.

We both gasped.

"Sorry," he muttered, standing hastily and refusing to look at me. "I didn't mean to…"

"It was just an accident. No big deal. It's not like you have never touched a boob before. I'd be willing to bet that is one of the least inappropriate feels you have ever copped, Cullen." I squeezed my thighs together and stared at the dash. _ Keep rambling and maybe you can fit your whole foot in your mouth. _

He flailed for a moment or two searching for a suitable retort.

"Jealous, Swan?" He snipped. _Ruh-hooo-ude! _Before shutting the door… _with a bit more force than necessary_… he added, "Watch your hands."

Nothing was said during the drive to my house. We didn't even listen to the iPod connected to the stereo, which really was a shame because, despite being a terrible music snob, he really did have the best music loaded onto it. It was a veritable treasure trove of goodness. So no talking, no music, we just sat in silence while he drove. Neither of us was loquacious, but our silences weren't usually this awkward or uncomfortable. This silence made me feel so itchy… _and scratchy… _that I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

Lost in my pervasive thoughts of Edward and our impermeable silence, I didn't immediately realize that we had finally arrived at my house. Actually, I wasn't even aware that the car had come to a stop until Edward was lithely moving around the front of it en route to open my door, and it took me a few more moments after that to gather myself enough to realize that I was home and needed to disembark. I was consumed by a sudden irrational and unexplainable need to exit the car of my own volition, wanting no assistance from Gentlemanward.

The order to move given, I became a chaotic mess of epic proportions. Synapses firing rapidly, a blitzkrieg of electrical impulses shocked my limbs into working all at once and all with different and separate intentions in their rush to aid me in getting out of the car before Edward could open the door and assist me. I goaded my nimbly-bimbly, spindly limbs and achieved enough obeisance and coordination to allow me to unbuckle the seatbelt, grasp the door handle and push against it.

The door swung open seemingly on its own, dragging me with it as I unthinkingly flung myself from the car. In my haste I had forgotten all about my messenger bag full of books that Edward had placed at my feet after he deposited me in the car. My legs became entangled with the strap which caused me to fall head first out of the car and straight into Edwards awaiting arms yet again… _in another brilliant show of gracelessness_.

"Swan, that's the third time today that I have had to catch you. Are you trying to kill yourself or do you simply enjoy rubbing up against me?"

"You know, contrary to popular belief among most of the females here in Hicksville, you are not God's gift to women. Hell, you aren't even God's gift to sheep. I was most certainly trying to kill myself. Give it up, Cullen…" I paused, letting it soak in, and then, clearly enunciating each word, added, "I am never going to want you."

Edward had pulled me to my feet while he was speaking and still hadn't released me. I watched his smirk morph slowly into a scowl with each word I said… _but I couldn't shut up._ When I finished talking, he abruptly pushed me out of the way of the door and then slammed it shut. Without a word, he clenched his fists and stalked back around the front of his car to the driver's side. He paused two or three times while en route, and I thought he was going to speak, but he just shook his head and chuckled harshly before continuing on. He was pissed the fuck off… _that was clear…_ but I had no clue why. _Okay I knew why, but was what I said so different from the things he said to me in teasing?_

I stood there dumbfounded… _what the fuck, hypocrite_… and unable to summon words until he was about to open his car door. "What the hell, Cullen? Where are you going?"

"I have to get back to class," he answered tersely. He opened his door and was about to get in when he stopped and gruffly said, "I hope you feel better."

"Yeah, you really sound like it," I said to his retreating car. _Coward, _I thought fiercely, not sure which of us I was actually talking about. I stood there in the numbly chill January air and watched until I could no longer see his car before turning and going inside.

~//~

I unlocked the front door and went straight upstairs to my room, where I crawled into my bed fully clothed before falling into a restless sleep. Tossing and turning, my dreams were plagued by convoluted images and discordant thoughts. Sometime around five, I was abruptly awoken by the shrill ring of the cordless phone sitting on my bedside table. Half dazed by sleep and still grasping at the dreams hovering at the edges of my consciousness, but not quite able to capture them, I snatched the phone up jumping off my bed as I answered it.

"Swan Residence," I garbled out.

"Bells?" _No, it's Rick James, Bitch!_ "It's Dad."

"Oh… Hey, Dad," I said, a little disappointed and wishing it was someone else. _Edward._

"You sound odd, you okay?"

I yawned. "I fell asleep after school…" no need to worry him by telling him about my fainting spell… _nor would I be telling him what exact time 'after school' was _"… the phone woke me up. What's up?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I am pulling an all-nighter tonight. One of my Deputies called in sick and I have no one else who can cover his shift. I know you're all grown up now and can take care of yourself, but I hate leaving you home alone overnight so unexpectedly like this. I was thinking that if you don't want to stay by yourself, you could stay at the Cullen's place… if it's okay with them."

"Okay. Um, I have some stuff to do around here and I am not sure what Alice is doing. I'll call if I decide to stay with her for the night."

"Alright, Bells. See you tomorrow and be safe."

"I will. You too, Dad. G'night."

"Goodnight." Charlie hung up and I stood there with the phone clutched to my chest for a moment.

The phone rang again, startling me, and I answered it thinking Charlie had forgotten to tell me something…

"Yeah, Dad…"

… only it wasn't Charlie's voice on the other line.

~//~

"Bells, honey? It's Mom!"

The phone clattered to the floor and all the blood drained from my face. _Five months... _I was hyperaware but at the same time insulated in a bubble. _… and not a word to me…_ I heard Renee chirp my name again. … _not a phone call. _ For the second time that day, I was dizzy and faint, and my stomach was an angry fist clenched tight in the pit of my stomach. _… not a text…_ My body was wobbling, teetering, trembling, unable to stand, and I crumpled to the ground landing on my knees in a heap. _… not even a postcard. _

"Bella? Are you there?" _ Nothing. In. All. That. Time._

One fraction of a second of euphoria, barely discernable, when I recognized her voice… _when I recognized what used to be my home.._. was all I had been allowed before I was careening and reeling wildly, faltering, unsure of where I would land. _Five months… _Even as the pernicious truths pervaded, I could feel myself wanting to succumb… _wanting my mother's love…' you are my home' she had said_. _Lies! All lies! Liar, liar, pants on fire…_

Playing like background music in a movie, I heard muffled voices and put names to them…

"I think she dropped the phone." _Renee Swan._

"Well, do you think she's okay?" _Phil Dwyer._

"She is probably just looking for it. The kids a Grade-A, Number-1 klutz. Seriously, I am sure she is fine." _Renee Swan... no. Renee Dwyer, no longer Swan, no longer like me… no longer liked me._

Perturbed, riled by her insouciance, my anger burned away all traces of my wavering uncertainty. I was disgusted with my mind, my emotions, my body, me… _my mother_… I had been betrayed by all. I forced my head between my knees and drew a few deep breaths, weakened but not defenseless, shaken but not stirred, I was not down for the count yet; I would come out swinging.

"Isabella?"

"Renee, maybe we should call her father to check on her and make sure she's okay…" The words registered and spurred me to action.

I most certainly did not want Charlie to be called. My fingers walked across the floor towards the phone, tremulous but not timorous. Gripping the phone firmly, I brought it swiftly to my ear.

"Hello, I'm here. The phone fell behind my bed and I had a hard time reaching it." I was startled by the normality of my own voice, as I had expected it to give me away like it always did. I didn't know what more to add so I quit speaking and stayed silent.

She had called me after abandoning me for five months, shouldn't she be the one required to extend the olive branch? Knowing Renee though, she was likely waiting for the trill of the trumpets, the fanfare and adoration. Like I had been the prodigal daughter when I came to Forks, she would want to be the prodigal mother. She wanted me to fawn over her, to be praised for calling me, but I had nothing to say to her that wasn't going to sound like an acrimonious accusation so I kept my mouth shut… and my tongue between my teeth for good measure. _Which of us would break first?_

Phil was saying something, I recognized the timbreer of his voice but could not make out his words; Renee must have placed her hand over the phone. I listened for several minutes to what sounded like Charlie Brown's parents arguing. _Bitch is crazy if she thinks I am going to hang out on the phone indefinitely, I have shit to do. I do? I'm sure I do. _Phil must have won the argument… _way to go Phil, tell me how you do did it…_ right as I was about to hang up, because Renee's voice suddenly came back on the line clear as a bell.

"Sooooo, how've you been, Bella?" I took sadistic joy in her obvious discomfort with being the one to declare 'Uncle' first, although it was on a technicality… _as usual_. _I saw how she was going to play this. _Two could play at that game.

"Fine." _I wasn't going to make this easy for her._

"How's Charlie?"

"Fine."

"How is school?" _Clearly she was unaware of the concept of taking one for the team; she wasn't going to make this easy for me either. _

"Fine."

"You make any friends?" _ This could take all fucking night…_

"Yep."

"How's the weather bee…" _And it would have too, if it wasn't for Phil. I was having a really hard time hating that guy._

"Bella, your Mom and I have some great news to tell you," he blurted out sounding all elated and shit. _But it got easier and easier all the time._ "Tell her, honey."

"We're having a baby!" She squealed. "I'm due in…"

I tuned completely out. I was cognizant of Renee's continued blither-blathering, but I could not tell you a single word she said; it was all white noise. Had Renee finally realized that it was too late for her to start over with me?, Tthat I could never, would never, be the perfect foil of her self that she longed for, that she had fucked me up to much? Was I her Starter Daughter?

Her news, reality, was slowly sinking in and as it did, I was slowly regaining comprehension.

"So, what do you think? Does that sound good to you?"

I realized she was awaiting a response from me. "Hmmm?"

"About the baby shower, Bella?"

Not knowing what I was agreeing to or even what I was saying, words tumbled out of my mouth. "Um, yeah, whatever… Look, I gotta go. Yeah… Bye."

"We'll email you all of the pertinent information like the dates and the ticke…"

"Mmmhmm…" I hung up while still uttering the word.

~//~

One second I was upstairs sitting on my bedroom floor, and the next I was outside with my coat on, keys in my hand, needing to get away, but lacking a crucial element in my getaway plan—a getaway vehicle. I didn't immediately recollect why my truck wasn't in the drive. I think I must have known on some level because I was strangely calm … or it was just the effects of the huge emotional Vvalium Renee had just shoved down my throat. _I'm gonna go with Hurricane Renee for $1000, please Alex._

_Think I'm going for a walk now, I feel a little unsteady. Don't want nobody to follow me…_

That may have also been why I decided to walk to the school and pick up my truck rather than call one of my friends for a ride, but at that time I was blaming it on Edward. _If he hadn't insisted upon driving me home, he would have never forgotten to get my keys before leaving in one of his random, unexplainable emo huffs, and I wouldn't have to be freezing my proverbial balls off while hoofing it 2.2 miles in the dark. I could have been driving my truck! But nah, man, I ain't. _

… _'cept maybe you...  
_

I was nearly done raging against Assward when it began to rain… hard. I was just over half way to the school, so it wouldn't have made sense to turn around. With no other options I trudged… _and squished…_ onward. Soaked after just a few minutes, I was shivering horribly from my body's efforts to keep itself warm and I couldn't feel my fingers or my toes. Realizing that I still had at least three quarters of a mile to go before reaching my truck, and at least twenty minutes after that until it would be warmed up enough to start producing heat, I stopped and burst into tears for the first time in ages.

… _I could make you happy, y' know, if you weren't already. I could do a lot of things, and I do…_

I stomped my feet on the ground, pounded my fists against my thighs and all alone on a darkened street, with the pouring rain both masking my tears and washing away any evidence of them, I let all of my frustration and anger and heartbreak spill out and dissolve into rivers running in rivulets down my face.

… _so, fuck you and your untouchable face__…  
_

I cried for all the fatherless years that were wasted on a selfish mother.

… _and fuck you, for existing in the first place…_

I bawled for my father's broken heart.

_… __who am I, that I should be vying for your touch…  
_

I lamented the relationship with my mother that I had never had and mourned the one that I never would.

… _who am I, bet you can't even tell me that much…_

I bemoaned my lost childhood, the milestones I was never allowed to have.

… _y'know, I don't look forward to seeing you again, you'll look like a photograph of yourself taken from far, far away…  
_

I grieved the parts of adulthood I wouldn't have, the milestones I would never reach.

… _and I won't know what to do, and I won't know what to say, except fuck you…  
_

I blubbered all girly-like over a boy that I couldn't have and sniveled that there was no other boy I wanted… _could ever picture myself wanting_.

… _and your untouchable face, and fuck you for existing in the first place  
_

I shed bitter tears, angry tears, frustrated tears, big, weeping crocodile tears until, in the end, I was sobbing simply _because_ I was crying.

… _who am I, that I should be vying for your touch, who am I, bet you can't even tell me that much…_

I had progressed to sniffling and hiccupping, when I saw headlights speeding my direction. I wrapped my arms tightly around my torso for warmth… _it didn't help…_ and tucked my chin as I resumed walking. I stayed as close to the ditch as I could without falling in to it as I tried to blend in to the trees running along the edge of the it. I made it a point to not look up when the vehicle passed by… _was that a silver car?_ The car skidded to a stop just past me so I increased my pace and tried to stay calm.

I heard a door open and a familiar, velvety voice call out to me. "Bella?" _No. Yes._

… _I see you and I'm so perplexed, what was I thinking…  
_

Keeping my head down and trying to resist his siren's song, I ignored him and I walked even faster. I could just barely make out the sound of footsteps letting me know he was following me.

… _what will I think of next…  
_

"Bella!" He called. "Wait up."

…_where can I hide…?_

I started running, but me and my clumsiness were no match for his speed and long legs. He easily caught up to me, gripped my shoulder and turned me to face him, shaking me slightly and shouting, "HThe hell, Bella? What are you doing walking down the road in the rain at this time of night? Are you stupid? It's dark out. You could have been hurt or worse… Why didn't you call me or Alice or Rose… someone? Does the Chief know you are out here? What if had been someone other than me that had come along and found you?"

… _there's a changing constellation…  
_

He was only inches away from me now, his grip on my shoulders was almost painful and he was firmly shaking me every few syllables, his voice gritty, rough, and angry. I flinched away from it, away from him. I didn't dare meet his eyes, unsure of what I would find there. Finally, really seeing me for the first time since he had caught up to me, he crushed me to his chest in a bone- crushing hug. He pressed… _his lips_... something to the top of my head and then he tucked it under his chin and just held me close to him in a confusingly sweet gesture.

… _of balls as we are playing… _

"I'm so sorry for just leaving with no explanation like I did today, Bella. It's my fault you're out here…" and just like that all the anger I had built up for him during my walk/swim, disappeared. _Leave it to Edward to blame everything on himself. Martyrward._

… _I see Orion and say nothing… _

Unwrapping his arms from around me but maintaining our proximity, he brought both of his hands up to cup my face. He tilted my head up to him and I was met with not only anger, but also with worry and fear. All of the emotions in his eyes swirled together and ravaged his handsome face. He looked lost. He gazed at me so intently that it felt like he could see all the way down into the very depths of my soul and I stopped functioning.

… _the only thing I can think of saying…  
_

"God, Bella… It would have been my fault if something had happened to you and I could never live with... Wh-what would I have done if I lost… Alice would kill me if something had happened to you."

… _is fuck you…_

I kept thinking… It sounded like… but no, he wouldn't say that. We were just friends.

… _and your untouchable face…_

He was just stumbled and stuttered, yammering on until he crushed my heart by admitting that he was only out here in the rain with me because of his guilt, and because Alice would be upset if anything bad happened to me. _If Alice wasn't such a good friend, a sister, to me… it would be easy to dislike her. _He didn't want me; I could add him to the list of people that didn't. I was just an obligation. He didn't want to feel guilty, responsible, to blame. I pulled away from him and continued walking, swiping at the angry tears that were falling. I thought I had been all cried out.

… _and fuck you, for existing in the first place… _

"Where the fuck are you going, Swan?"

… _who am I, that I should be vying for your touch…  
_

"To get my truck, Cullen." He had caught up to me already and matched my brisk pace easily.

… _who am I, bet you can't even tell me that much._

"You're not walking."

He grabbed my arm and tried to steer me back the direction I had just come from and towards his car that I could now see parked in the middle of the road, lights on and driver's side door wide open, the interior being soaked by the rain that still poured down. I jerked away from him and turned back around, intent on getting to my truck.

"Yes, I am. Who the fuck do you think you are? What gives you the right to tell me what to do?" I shouted at him over my shoulder as I stormed off. I was a tempest, tempestuous, contumacious.

Except for the drum of the rain on the pavement, it was silent. I could feel his eyes burning into me as I continued to walk away, but he said nothing. I had walked almost the full length of a basketball court, and still hadn't heard him following me, nor had I heard him walk back to his car. I desperately wanted to look behind me to see what he was doing, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. However, I soon found out. Before I had even registered the sound of his footfalls slap-slapping across the wet asphalt towards me, I found myself tossed over Edward's shoulder and half-way back to his car.

"Put me down, Cullen, you fucking caveman! I can take care of myself." I was kicking my legs and taking kidney shots as I pounded my fists against his back… _trying to achieve what, him dropping me headfirst onto the pavement_… but he just kept walking. Ignoring both my words and my flailing appendages, neither his grip nor his pace faltered. "Put me down, you fuckhead?"

He stopped abruptly causing me to close both my eyes and my mouth simultaneously suddenly fearful that I had finally pissed him off. Edward placed me on the ground and then pressed me against the side of the Volvo. When he didn't move immediately, I opened my eyes and found him looking at me with a tortured expression on his face… _more guilt._ His hand came up and he brushed his thumb across my mouth, first my top lip and then my bottom one, eliciting a shiver from me that had nothing to do with how cold I was.

_I may have been too angry to admit how hot it was when Caveward tossed me over his shoulder, but even I couldn't deny how wet he was making me right then… and it had nothing to do with the rain or the water dripping off of him. _

"Bella…" he sighed as his eyes roamed over my face, returning to mine as he resumed speaking "… your lips are turning blue and you're shivering like a dog shitting razorblades…" _nice visual, Poetward_ "… so just get in the God damn car and let me get you warmed up…" _I know what'll warm me up if you are looking for suggestions… shut it! _"… and I will take you where ever you want to go. I won't even ask you to tell me your real reason for being out here tonight."

He leaned forward, inch by inch, a burning man with a tormented look in his eyes, and pressed his lips to my forehead, shocking both of us. He pulled away from me carefully, then our eyes locked and we were suddenly trapped in a U2/RromCcom movie moment… _you know, Stuck in a Moment That You Can't Get Out Of (or some other cheesy U2 song) plays, everything else except the happy couple is out of focus and the camera pans in a circle around them while they stare at each other._

I don't know how long we stood there in the pouring rain just staring at each other because it felt like time ceased to exist… _cliché, I know_. All too soon time crashed in on us in the form of headlights from an approaching car. Edward reached down beside us and opened the passenger door but his eyes never left my face.

"Get in, Bella," he breathed.

I nodded and slid into the front seat. When he was sure that all my limbs were inside the vehicle, he closed the door. He placed his hands on top of the car and briefly let his forehead rest against the coolness of the wet roof as he paused outside my door for a moment. Pushing off with his hands, he hurried around the back of the car and took his place in the driver's seat. Both doors closed, locked, and both of us buckled in, he put the car into gear and drove off slowly.

"Where to, Swan." _Back to that. _Whatever moment we had been having was over, the walls were back up, and the distance re-established.

"Will you take me home…?" I said softly "… to your house."

"Sure, but you're going to be stuck with me for a while. Mom and Dad are at some dinner thing and Al and Em are both over at Jazz and Roses. I don't know when they'll be back. That okay with you?"

I swallowed audibly. _Was I okay with being alone with Edward for the evening_? I was amenable to that._ Was that too nonchalant, you think? _ I would probably just hang out by myself in my room and do my homework, but at least I wouldn't be in an empty house.

I nodded and Edward executed a careful U-turn and headed home. We passed by Newton's Outfitters on our way and it dawned on me that I had forgotten to call in to let them know that I would be out sick. _Fuck, I was so fired! _

I hadn't expected to still have the job, but I didn't want to lose it and especially not over something as stupid as forgetting to call in sick. I was really hoping that I hadn't been sacked. I was lucky that when football season ended and their Asshat son showed no interest in returning to work, they decided to keep me on. Turns out I was a better employee than him… _no shit…_ and since they were happy with the current situation, Molesto was left to do… whatever the fuck it was that Molesto did in his spare time.

"Shit!"

"What?" Edward asked, startled by my outburst.

"I am so fired. I was scheduled to work today, but I forgot to call in."

Edward seemed to be unable to decide whether he should feel smug or abashed. "Actually, I called Mrs. Newton when I got back to school." _Sheepishness won._

"Thanks, Cullen." _And now smugness has taken the lead. _ "You didn't have to do that." _But, what's this, the guarded, blank expression of his, that I hate, has entered the race late… and wins by a landslide! _

He shrugged his shoulders. "Couldn't have ya gettin' fired now could we, Swan?"

My outburst and our subsequent conversation seemed to re-open the lines of communication, albeit hesitantly, and I wasn't going to allow us to lapse into silence again.

"Where were you going before you decided to go all Knight in Shining Under Armor on me?"

"Your house actually," he answered, embarrassment written all over his face. _Why? _I just about gave myself whiplash as I turned to look at him. Seeing the question written across my face he explained, "I wanted to apologize for this afternoon… for the way I dealt with Mike, for forcing you to let me take you home and for my atrocious behavior when I dropped you off home. It's just…" he took a deep breath as he appeared to contemplate his next words "… I feel very… protective of you, Bella."

The weight of his words settled over me and I couldn't look at him. I stared at my lap instead and tried to remember how to breathe. I hadn't a clue about what to say… _hell, I hadn't a clue as to what he even meant by those words…_ so I was incredibly grateful when he resumed talking and changed the subject.

"Plus, I still had your school bag and you didn't have your truck. I hadn't heard from you yet and I figured I'd save myself a lot of angry phone calls by getting your shit back to you sooner rather than later. You have quite the temper, Swan," he said as he smiled at me.

_Playful banter, thank you! I was not up to heavy and serious. I was feeling a bit like Meg Ryan in When A Man Loves A Woman—I had all I could handle with my cup and my little spoon—but sarcasm I could handle._

I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face in answer to his. "Wow, you really know how to flatter a girl. You rehearse that speech, Cullen? And… uh, thanks by the way."

"Any time, Swan. Any time."

We sat in companionable silence for the remainder of the drive to his house and I realized how easy it would be to be with him… and then I remembered the girl who was like a sister to me and why I couldn't.

~//~

I hopped out of the car as soon as we pulled into the garage and, citing the need to change into dry clothes as my excuse, made my way across the expansive garage towards the house. I had nearly managed to escape when I was stopped by Edward.

"Hey, Banner gave us some homework as makeup for the blood typing lab. You, uh, wanna work on it together? You've got some time to kill until the midget gets home."

I had stopped, hand on the doorknob, as soon as he had started to speak and was eager to be on my way. I hesitated for a second… _why was I hesitating…_ before answering. Without turning around, I said, "Yeah, I'll meet you in yer room."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I shot out of the garage… _surprisingly without stumbling_… so quickly that I nearly missed his 'Okay.' As I made my way to my room I tried to make some kind of sense out of the emotional tumult I was currently experiencing. I didn't understand how I could be so eager to spend time with him yet so terrified of it whenever the chance arose. _Gah! It was all just so damned confusing._ I hadn't been able to make any sense of my dissenting desires in the past five months, so I don't know what made me think I would be able to do it in the time it took me to get to my room. I swept the dilemma back under its rug to be dealt with later as I stepped onto the second floor landing.

Once in my room, the door securely locked behind me, I stripped out of my still mostly wet clothing until I was standing in my birthday suit and then looked through the drawers full of 'Alice Approved' clothing in search of something to appropriate to wear. _What does one wear for a study session with the man of her dreams that she can't have?_ I finally found a pair of soft cotton, Capri-length pajama bottoms with a matching tank and sleep cardigan, but I still wasn't quite ready to see Edward. I was a live wire, too emotionally raw to be alone with him, around him… around anyone really.

I needed to buy some time, so I grabbed my clean clothes, carried them into the attached bathroom, set them on the counter and then turned on the shower. While the water warmed up, I went back out to the room to get my wet clothes, humming to myself as I gathered them up.

_Tap-a, tap, tap, tap!_

I jumped at the rapping on my door and tossed my dirty clothes in the air so that they were once again strewn haphazardly around the room. I looked at the 're-mess' in annoyance as I walked over to the door. I felt a prickling sensation like thereir were hundreds of eyes on me as I became blatantly and uncomfortably aware of my nudity, and crossed my arms over my chest... _yeah, cause covering up the girls when you are completely in the buff will preserve your dignity and provide you with some modesty, never mind the fact that your hoo-hah is still on display… _Could someone please tell the sarcastic bitch in my head to STFU already? _Gah!_

"Yeah?"

"Hey, I just wanted to find out if you wanted your bag in there or if you just want me to take it with me to my room?"

_Huh? _

"My bag… Oh, um… your room I guess."

"Okay. I'll see you in a few then?" I think he meant it as a statement, but it came out as a question and caught me off guard. He just sounded so… unsure of himself? _Doesn't that go against the laws of nature or something?_

"Um, yeah. I'll be there in a few."

"Okay. Bye then."

"Bye…"

I slumped against the door, resting my forehead against it as I rolled his voice and words around in my brain and remained that way for a good two minutes before I finally snapped out of it and headed in to shower. I snatched up my scattered clothes… _it's a lot less satisfying a task when you were the only one involved with the scattering…_ on the way and deposited them in the hamper in the bathroom before stepping into the shower.

Forty five minutes later, Alice was still not home and I was out of excuses. I gave myself a pep talk, headed out of my room and ascended the stairs to Edward's room like a death row inmate heading to his own execution… _and hoping for a stay._

~//~

I knocked on his door and when he opened it, my breathing hitched before rapidly speeding up. _Fuck. Me… now, please. _Edward stood in the doorway in all his fuckhot glory, running a towel through his wet hair and looking all sorts of distracted… _and distractingly like pure, tempting sex, sinful and decadent and yummy as hell, ugh_. He was wearing a pair of low slung, ratty old jeans and nothing else. _What was it about this boy, this man, that made me forget to breathe, made me forget my own name?_ Neither of us said a word as we took each other in.

Finally, because I felt awkward just standing there… _and because if I were forced to stare at his shirtless body any longer, I was going to start panting like a bitch in heat, which was exactly what I was but I didn't want him to know that_… I broke the silence… _fervently hoping that I didn't say something stupid like, 'So, you, uh, work out? Huh? You lift? You work out?'__ (You look like a rabbit.) Luckily…_

"I was going to apologize for hopping in the shower and taking so long, but…" I obviously appraised him from head to toe, once, twice, being careful to not linger "… I see we had the same idea and now I don't feel so bad."

"Well, you know what they say, great minds think alike." He was still just standing there, one hand wrapped around the door knob and the other resting up high on the door frame causing his hips to jut forward…_ turning the 'V' created by his trim form and well defined stomach muscles into an arrow (that pointed down to the place I was positive was my version of Disneyland) when combined with the strip of hair running down from just below his belly button until it disappeared into his jeans, mmmmm, happy trail in-deed_… while his eyes continued to rake across my body leaving trails of heat in their wake.

I needed to put this fire out stat. "Can I come in, or are you just gonna stand there and eye fuck me all night?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, but I was holding out on the hope that he hadn't heard me since he was staring dazedly at me… _well, my nipples, which were hard as diamonds and blatantly obvious through both my tank and my cardigan._

"Hmmm? What was that?"

I stifled my snicker. _Boys and boobs, they just can't seem to resist them! _ "Can I come in?"

"Oh… um, yeah. Of course," he mumbled… _still staring at my tits like he had two tickets to the guns show and my boobs were the guns…_ as he held the door open and motioned with his arm for me to enter.

I was nearly passedt him when I felt his hot breath on my ear and I halted. He brought his lips as close as he could without touching me and, in a low voice just this side of a whisper, drawled, "And by the way… if I was eye fucking you, Bella… you'd know it."

My eyes rolled into the back of my head and I involuntarily shivered. _Stupid, flirty, fucker… "Ooooh! Can we be her?' Shorty asked. Huh? 'You said fuck her.' Not listening. _I fully expected Edward to laugh and/or make another smart ass comment about how he got me yet again… _burn…_ so I stood there waiting for it, but it never came. He didn't say a word as he left me standing in the middle of his room to close the door and then walk over to and sit down at his desk.

"Your bag's over by the bed," he said without looking at me. His voice sounded detached and hollow but with a slight edge of annoyance to it. _PMSms-ing much, Bitchward?_

"Huh!" I huffed and then spat out, "Thanks." _For reminding me of one of the many reasons why I shouldn't like you, even if I could._

I walked over to the bed, tossed my bag onto it and then took up my usual post when doing homework with Edward in his room—lying sideways on my stomach across the very center of the bed, upper body propped up by my kick-stand elbows and my head cradled in one palm. Edward was ready to start, his stuff already laid out in the organized-bordering-on-anal-retentive-carpenter way I had grown used to. He was frowning at me from his chair, no doubt annoyed that I wasn't ready yet, so I quickly pulled my book, pad of paper, and a pen out of my bag and then gave him a nod indicating I was ready.

Not bothering with preliminaries, we dove right into our school work. Sixty minutes later, without having uttered a single word to one another that didn't pertain to our assignment, we were finished. I sat up on the bed, reached my arms above my head and stretched, arching my back slightly, before I gathered up my stuff and tucked it back inside my bag. Once I had everything secured, I scooted my way over to the edge of the bed trying not to muss his blankets and towing my bag behind me.

"Bella…" I raised my eyebrows and lifted my head towards him slightly in acknowledgement, but otherwise remained focused on my scooting "… you are aware that you look like a five year old scooting off of his first big-boy bed, aren't you?"

"So I look like a five year old boy? Jaysus, Cullen!" I said with mock indignation. "I don't know how you get into all the girls' panties with lines like that."

While I spoke I allowed my greedy eyes to look him over as I lifted my face to his. Starting with his bare feet, to his crossed ankles, up his long legs that were stretched out before him as he leaned back in his chair. I bypassed Bella's Disneyland by detouring over his hip and continued up his ridged abs, over the planes of his chest to his shoulders and finally, raised behind him with his laced fingers supporting his head, reached his arms before finishing at my actual destination… his face. The look in his eyes told me that he did not, in fact, think I looked at all boyish, but then it was gone, and his eyes indifferent once again.

My stomach growled loudly and I blushed. My apology was on the tip of my tongue but before I could so much as open my mouth, Edward's previously inert form sprang to life. He perched on the edge of his chair, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees and looked at me shrewdly. I fidgeted and gnawed on my bottom lip uneasily. My discomfiture was not from his calculating expression, although it bothered me some as well, but from his rapidly shifting moods… _seriously he needs subtitles so that I can keep up… or medication…_ and hispiercing eyes.

Seemingly out of nowhere he questioned, "When was the last time you ate, Bella?

I flailed momentarily, caught off guard by both the question and the way my name dripped from his tongue, so different from the harsh way he snapped out the single syllable of my surname. I had to think about it. "Annnnnn… apple at lunch?"

"You need to eat, Bella," he said as he got up and moved to the door. "Let's go. Mom left some of that chicken paella that you like."

He opened the door, gesturing for me to follow, so I picked up my bag and did as I was told, but he stopped me before I took more than a couple steps. "Do you have more homework to do?"

"Ummm, I have a paper due tomorrow, but it's done already so just Spanish," I said with a scowl. "Blech!"

He smiled this relaxed, carefree smile that I hardly ever saw but possibly found even more attractive than that panty-panty dropping, crooked smirk of his. He caught me looking, my face a little flushed, and his smile morphed into just that very smirk. I abruptly changed my mind, that was still his most attractive smile… _and it definitely had an affect on my panties_.

"Leave your bag and I'll help you with your Spanish after we eat." Edward spoke impeccable Spanish; I had just never wanted to bug him for help.

"Really? You don't mind?" I asked, hesitantly setting my bag down.

"Nope. Not at all." He took a couple steps towards me, grabbed my hand and towed me towards the door. "Now, let's go feed you before you pass out again."

"I'm not worried about fainting here. Not when I have my Knight in Shining Under Armor to save the day, even if you aren't wearing the Under Armor at the moment." _Or much of anything, for that matter._ "On top of that, Molesto The Wonder Douche is no where in sight, so I know that no one is going to try to take advantage of me."

I glanced at Edward to see that his eyes had clouded over and the corners of his mouth had fallen so that he was frowning. Then, just like he was Little Orphan Annie and it was tomorrow, the sun came out and he smiled at me again. We couldn't fit down the stairs side by side and he made no attempt to release my hand… _damn it, I didn't want to let go of his either._ One of us needed to give, so I slowed my pace and fell in step behind him. Doing so caused our hands to rotate and naturally braided together, a perfect fit.

At the exact same time, our eyes snapped to our now entwined hands. We paused, the confusion and surprise in my eyes was met by the anger and shock in his, and the omnipresent electricity between us thrummed more strongly. Alice's face skipped across my mind, my stomach knotted, my heart clenched and my lungs constricted. I couldn't understand how something that felt so right could be wrong, _verboten_? Edward had been declared persona non grata by someone else's choosing, not mine. I couldn't be with him… but Lord knows I wanted to.

My version blurred and everything shifted out of focus. The anger and resentment for Alice that had been slowly but steadily been building for several months bubbled up like bile and threatened to burst from my lips. Why was it okay for Rose to date one of her brothers, but not me… _not that he would want to date me._ Before I said or did something I would regret, I reined that shit in and stuffed it back down. Alice was my friend and she had imposed the Edward Embargo for my own good, I knew that… _but sometimes… _

His breath came out in a huff like he had been holding it and everything snapped sharply into focus, revealing Angry Edward standing in front of me-- eyes hard, jaw tense, nostrils flared minutely. _Problem solved and thank you Alice_. Edward didn't want me and even if he did, it would only be for a quick fuck. I wasn't into hit and runs, not with him at least. Tears pricked my eyes and I looked away from him. I relaxed my hand slowly trying to prolong the connection, lingering before I released his.

We released each others hands so synchronously that I didn't know which of us should be credited as having made the decision. I let myself believe it was me… _I needed it to be me; better to be the rejecter than the rejected._ We unconsciously came to the same conclusion about the incident, the only conclusion we would consider acceptable, that it was just a fluke to be played off. This way neither of us had to acknowledge any feelings about it… _mostly me…_ and neither of us had a reason to feel hurt… _again me._ Feeling the sting of rejection for the second time that day left me feeling agitated and made me want to lash out.

"You just gonna stand there all night gawking at me or are you gonna move? I'm not gettin' any younger, Cullen."

_Game._

"You know, with the dicey relationship with you seem to have with stairs, Swan, you really should be holding the railing rather than clutching on to my hand. I don't want you to take me down with you," he said with a smirk. _Don't smirk that sexy smirk at me. _

_Set._

"Cullen, you only wish that you were lucky enough to take a tumble on the stairs with me." I smirked right back at him as I reached over grabbed the wall rail.

_Match._

The series of emotions that played so clearly across his face as he processed my taunt would have been comical if they wouldn't have had me running every bit as hot and cold as he was, just in a slightly different way. His eyes darkened to that deep forest green that I had seen enough times, although usually directed at some chick who was trying to get down his pants, to recognize as lust and he quirked one eyebrow at me. His eyes suddenly widened in remembrance before blazing with anger. His eyes grew cold again as he scowled at me … _seriously, is he bipolar_… and then turned away to continue down the stairs.

Any delight I felt over winning that round was tempered by a cold, gnawing ache in the belly that was disquieting. The wind knocked out of my sails by my own self, I followed him mutely down the stairs. We finally made it to the kitchen and worked together to prepare the food. Once dished up, we took our plates into the den where Edward channel-surfed while we ate. We attempted to make idle chit- chat, but neither of our hearts were in it. Things between us were still too strained from the incident on the stairs.

When we had finished eating, I volunteered to take care of our dishes. Not giving him the chance to object or worse, offer assistance, I gathered our plates and glasses up and quickly headed to the kitchen… _as quickly as I could without falling or tripping…_ to place them in the dishwasher. Still needing a few minutes before I had to face Edward, I decided to tidy up the virtually spotless kitchen.

I wanted to tell him that I was tired and go to my room until Alice got home… _Thanks, but no thanks_… but my Spanish final was on Friday and it was already Wednesday. I knew that I wouldn't wasn't going to have much time to study the next day and I also knew that I would be stupid to turn him down. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was already after eight which meant that I had to quit stalling. I reluctantly… _because who knew which of his personalities would be awaiting me_… yet eagerly… _because I was a total masochist_… headed back up to Edward's room.

~//~

It was 9:30 when we finally finished. Edward ended up being an excellent tutor… _what wasn't he good at…_ and I felt so much more prepared than I ever would have had I just studied on my own. _Irregular verbs? Fuck my life!_ As I was gatheringed my things up, Edward came over to his bed and sat down beside me. I looked up at him completely taken aback by his proximity, especially after his erratic behavior throughout that day.

"Do you want to talk about why you were so upset when I found you wandering in the rain?"

_No. No, I did not want to talk about it._

"I wasn't wandering, Cullen. I was going to get my truck before it got mistaken for an abandoned vehicle and was towed."

"Bel-la…"

"Don't Bella me, Edward."

"Quit trying to change the subject. It's just… if you need to talk… you know… you can talk to me."

I stood up and started pacing, Spanish workbook still in hand, inexplicably agitated and not sure how to take his offer. At some point Edward stood up as well and watched me pace for a moment.

"Bella," he called softly. I ignored him and continued to pace.

"Bella," he said again. Still no response from me. He sighed deeply.

"Bella," he called out, a little bit louder now.

Something about his sudden concern, after his erratic behavior earlier in the day and that evening, set me off. I continued to pace, completely disregarding him as I fumed internally over the way he seemed to be toying with me—sweet and concerned one minute, a dick and shoving me away the next.

"Bella," he said once more. His agitation was evident in his voice and I was peripherally aware of him standing in the middle of his room between the door and his huge bed. His head fell back; eyes closed, he growled out, "Motherfucking, son of a bitch!"

I needed to leave, but my bag was sitting on the floor next to the bed with Edward between it and the door. I was just about to say 'fuck it' and leave without my bag when I was abruptly spun around to face an angry looking Edward.

_Shorty, aided by my out of control, pent up, and repeatedly cockblocked hormones, started blathering something like, 'Ooooh! Manhandle us again! We like it when you're rough and you're fuck-all hot when you're angry!'_ _I wanted to agree, but that really wasn't the appropriate moment to focus on how hot his eyes were when they flashed with irritation. Ungh! _So not the time!

"For fuck's sake, Bella, would you stop fucking pacing?" He shouted at me. His hands were suddenly gripping my shouldersand I tried to twist out of his grip. He shook me slightly, slipped an arm over my shoulder and held me tighter to him to block any escape. "Stop! Look at me, Bella."

I obstinately kept my eyes down, turning away when he crouched down and tilted his head trying to meet them. He quickly became annoyed that I wouldn't be play his stupid game of 'Look Into My Eyes'. _What, was he a really bad movie vampire all of a sudden? Channeling Bela Lugosi? _ Tired of my refusals, he brought the hand on my shoulder up to my chin. Pinching it between two fingers, he wrenched my head up so that I was forced to meet his gaze. I briefly contemplated closing my eyes, but even I thought that was too childish, and I kept them open.

"Bel-la," he ground out between clenched teeth. "Just stop. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why won't you talk to me? Did something happen? Did Mike do something to you before I got there?"

I was so distracted by him, his presence overwhelmed me, and his questions came so rapidly that I had difficulty processing them all.

"What? Newton? No. Nothing happened. I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me."

He groaned and he tightened his arm around me. "Why can't you… Why won't you talk to me, Bella? Why won't you trust me?"

_Motherfuck… Did he… Oh no he didn't. He did not just…_

"Wh-why don't I trust you? Seriously?" I asked, incredulous. "Why the fuck would I? You constantly toy with me—my _friend_…" I cringed as I said it, hating the word for its implications, and almost missed his slight flinch "… one second, something entirely… _different_ the next, and then a complete asshole right after that. It's like you're Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, and Don Juaon De Marco arbitrarily rolled into one annoying, aggravating, and vexing package. Why should I trust you?"

My breath was coming in rasping gasps by the time I was done stuttering and stumbling through my diatribe, and the way he was looking at me, with an almost a feral gleam in his eyes, was doing nothing to help me calm it. I really wanted to go now; I desperately needed to leave if I was going to have any chance of getting out of Forks with my heart in one piece. My self preservation attempted to kick in, but stalled when he licked his lips and leaned towards me.

I wanted to both run away from him and throw myself into his arms, slap him and kiss him, be near him and as far from him as possible, love him and hate him and do all of it, all at the same time. This discord and dissonance he caused in me left me incapacitated and feeling like I didn't know and couldn't trust my own mind. Instead my desires, dueling and completely at odds, cancelled each other out and kept me motionless as I anguished under his gaze. He lips slowly but steadily, moved towards mine.

Our lips were nearly touching, barely brushing…

~//~

**Songs Used**

**In Order of Appearance***

Crumblin' Down by John Cougar Mellencamp  
Sound of Silence by The Righteous Brothers  
Untouchable Face by Ani Difranco

*Not intentional if I forget any, Song not mine

**Rec's:**

Dead Confederates by Goldenmeadow  
Broken Doll by Rowanmoon


	9. Chapter 8 The Lost Souls

**A/N: **I need to start of with a ginormous thank you to V who has agreed to beta for me full time, and another big thanks to Rie for sharing her fuckawesome beta. I 3 both of you hard!

Also, thanks to Araeo and Oohlalaah for helping me and Bella name her chesticles. Araeo came up with the winner.

**

* * *

Chapter 8- The Lost Souls

* * *

**

Then take my hand and walk with me.  
Come to me, your sanctuary,  
I'll gladly accept the gift that I've been granted.  
If you feel fine, then give it just a little time.  
I'm sure you'll contract my disease.

Look what you've done to me now,  
You've made me perfect…

… If you can't stand upon the earth then I see you on the other side…  
… Then take my hand and sleep with me…

… Take my hand, I'll be everything to you.  
Take my hand, I'll take everything from you.  
I will seep under your skin.  
I will.  
I will hold onto your heart.  
I will…**  
**

- _The Lost Souls_ by A.F.I.

**~//~**

The forest was eerily quite as I made my way along the familiar trail. Eventually the meadow path joined back up and merged with the shorter garden loop. I relaxed, knowing I was nearly to the house and finally allowed my eyes--which had been on the lookout for roots and vines that might trip me up--to take in more of my surroundings. Two strides later, I was nearly floored by the sight of a rather large cedar just to the left of the loop, and I regretted ever looking away from the forest floor.

I could feel scratches forming on my legs as I waded through the underbrush en route to the ancient tree. When I finally stood in front of it, I reached out my hand and reverentially stroked the peeling bark. Out of sheer curiosity, I reached around towards the back side of the tree and felt around. Finding it almost instantly, my fingers lovingly traced each letter—

EAC + IMS 4EVER.

It wasn't the declaration, the letters, carved into the tree or the cheesy gesture that caused the tears to finally fall. The carving wasn't done until right before we left for college and the tree meant something to us long before that. It was a tribute, done not to remind us of what we had, but rather of what had happened there.

Sobs wracked my body so violently that I clutched the tree in front of me to keep from falling. I leaned my head against the bark and let flashes of that day, of what happened at that tree and of what lead up to it, all assault me. Unable to fight through the pain and crushing sadness any longer, I crumpled to the ground as more memories come flooding back.

**~//~**

**Four and a Half Years Earlier**

_I wanted to both run away from him and throw myself into his arms, slap him and kiss him, be near him and as far from him as possible, love him and hate him and do all of it, all at the same time. This discord and dissonance he caused in me left me incapacitated and feeling like I didn't know and couldn't trust my own mind. Instead my desires, dueling and completely at odds, cancelled each other out and kept me motionless as I anguished under his gaze. He lips slowly but steadily, moved towards mine. _

_Our lips were nearly touching, barely brushing…_

**~//~**

"Hey, Edward," came a voice from down the hall, breaking the spell I had fallen under, and I slipped from his grasp.

_Alice. _

Alice opened the closed door and breezed inside the room just as I dropped down beside the bed to put my Spanish books into my bag.

"Ever hear of knocking, Alice?" Edward said brusquely. He was clearly annoyed by her unexpected arrival. Personally, I didn't know whether to kiss her or strangle her.

She glared at him, no doubt preparing a snappy comeback, when she noticed me on the floor near her brother.

"Bella?" I looked up at her and awkwardly waved, my flushed cheeks making me look guilty. "What are you doing here?"

She looked at me, distastefully… _like I was a bug_. I didn't know how to take her reaction. _From the look on her face… well, it wasn't happiness to see me._ You'd think that my actions over the five months our friendship would make it obvious that I wasn't after her brother. _Unless… the plan was to infiltrate her little clique, gain her trust and then, when the coast was clear, bone her manwhore brother. Pshaw! Right!_

"For fuck's sake, Alice! Quit being a bitch!" Edward said with a sigh. Alice ignored him. I hated to agree with him because he had no room to talk… _pot, meet kettle…_ but she really kind of was. I looked at my bag as I zipped it, and then looked back at her, not quite meeting her eyes.

"Homework…or, we were, and then I was hoping to stay over… ifthatsokaywithyouofcourse." Her expression hadn't changed so I rambled on. "Charlie called me at home earlier to let me know that he had to pull an all-nighter, and that he would feel better if I stayed with you. I was going to call, but then Edward showed to drop off my bag and give me a ride to my truck…"

"Why didn't you have your truck?"

I shot Edward a rude look and then, slightly chagrined, looked back to Alice.

"We had a blood typing lab in bio today and I passed out. Edward didn't think I should be driving, so he took me home. He was supposed to have you bring my truck to my house after school, but…" I glared at her jerk of a brother again "… he obviously didn't ask you or you would have known all of this already. Sorry. I really didn't think that you would mind me coming. I'll just go home… if someone can give me a ride."

It was the Campbell's Soup version. I could have been more forthcoming, but she didn't seem all that thrilled that I was there and it was best to give her the important parts before she stopped listening. She still looked skeptical when I finished, but she didn't dispute it.

"I left my car at Jasper's and rode home with Emmett. Since you're here, you might as well stay…" _ouch… _her voice lost its coldness "…but you should have called me. I feel like we never see each other anymore and had I known you were here, I would have come home sooner. I could have saved you from having to hang out with The Emo Kid. Besides, I'm sure Edward had something, or someone, else he would have rather been doing. Well, I will leave you guys to _it_."_ Meow, Ali-Cat! A little passive-aggressive tonight? _

"Actually, we just finished, and I was going to call it a night… long day and everything… unless you wanted to do something?" _Please say no, please say no!_ _Not in the mood to be grilled. _Luckily, we were interrupted.

"Yo, War-do! Whattup?" Emmett bellowed as he charged up the stairs with all the quiet of an elephant.

"What the fuck is my room tonight, Grand Central Station?" Edward grumbled. "What do you want Emmett, and can't you say hello like a normal human being at a normal decibel level?"

I chuckled a little at their interaction. Being an only child, I had no understanding of the bond shared between siblings, but I had spent most of my life observing others and they had an unusual relationship compared to many most… _but in a good way_.

Edward acted as if Alice and Emmett were the bane of his existence, and Ali and Em acted like he was barely tolerable… _which he actually was a good deal of time…_ and a constant source of exasperation. Edward was annoyed by their intrusion into both his life and his space, so they intruded as often as possible, and while they were annoyed by his preference for solitude and his general moodiness, he just avoided them and acted surly when he couldn't.

Edward wouldn't admit it, but it was obvious that he loved them and they him. _They were just never going to braid each other's hair while discussing their feelings or anything like that… it was more like tough love._ For a brief moment, I found myself yearning for what they had, but then I remembered my derelict mother and her news and got over it.

"Awww schucks, Eds! You say the sweetest things. I yell 'cause I never know who you got in here and I don't wanna walk in to see any more crazy shit going on in this den of iniquity that you call a bedroom," he said casting his eyes down and fluttering his eyelashes prettily with mock demureness. He spotted me on the floor and before I knew it, I was lifted up and engulfed in a bone crushing hug. "Hey, Belly! What are you doin' here? I heard you fainted at school today."

"Emmett, unless you let me breathe, I am going to faint again," I gasped.

"Silly Belly. I may be a jock, but I'm not dumb; if you can speak then you're not gonna pass out from lack of oxygen. So you actually nosedived in Banner's class?" He set me back down on my feet then and I glared at him.

"How come Emmett knew about my best friend fainting in class, and I didn't?" Alice asked outraged.

"Ease up, Ali. I ran into Newton, he asked about Bells and I asked what the fuck he was talkin' about."

"Oh," Alice said.

"I hate to break up your little tea party… but get the fuck out of my room."

"Wow, you're in a pissy mood tonight. You wanna talk to your big brother Em about whatever's got your panties in a twist?"

Edward walked over to the door, held it open and gestured with a sweeping motion of his arm for us to leave. "Out!"

"Fine, fine. Just don't come pouting to me when you need help pulling that corncob out of your ass. Night little bro."

"Emmett you're barely a month older than me, now get the fuck out."

Alice followed behind Emmett while I brought up the rear. I couldn't bring myself to look at him as walked past him, I just mumbled a hasty 'thanks' and rushed through the door. I was trying to wrap my head around what had just happened, but I needed to get my head in the game. Alice would be waiting to pounce on me as soon as Edward closed the door behind me.

**~//~**

Sure enough, I hadn't gotten more than two steps from the door before she latched on to me, tugged me down the hallway towards the stairs at Alice Speed, and started shooting questions at me so quickly that I couldn't understand most of what she said--nor was there time to answer her if I could.

"Alice… Alice… Alllll-liiiice!" I shouted, sounding like Dave when he yells at Alvin the Chipmunk.

Startled, Alice stared at me with such wide, deer-in-the-headlights eyes that I couldn't help it… I actually fucking giggled. "Slow the fuck down, rewind and try again. You are ri-donk-ulous! You sounded like you were on fast forward. You need a slow-mo button, so that you go the same speed as the rest of the world."

Shooting me a dirty look, she continued tugging down the stairs. "Keep up, Bella. I hate having to repeat myself…"

Before she could launch into the inevitable 'what the fuck was going on with you and my brother in his room and why were you on your knees at my shirtless brothers' feet looking guilty when I walked in', the door at the end of the hall opened and her parents stepped through… _granting me at least a temporary reprieve from Alice's questioning._

"Hey, girls! We weren't expecting to see you, Bells. Where's your truck at?" Esme asked with a smile.

"It's a long story."

"It finally broke down?" _Did the whole family hate my truck? I thought it had character._

"Nope. Dumbass here fainted in bio during a blood typing lab, so Edward took her home. He was _supposed_ to have me drive drop her truck off at her house after school, but I guess he didn't catch me in time," Alice answered for me.

"Language, Alice," Esme scolded.

Ever the doctor, Carlisle asked, "You didn't hurt yourself, did you Bella?"

"Just my pride," I replied. Let them think Edward saved the day, it was easier than having to explain the Edward/Mike altercation and it would explain why he was the one who took me home.

Emmett came barreling out of the den with rather large bowl. "Hey, parentals! What's crappening?"

"Emme…" Esme started to once again scold, but her eldest, biggest _child_ paid her no heed… _as usual_. He continued talking and somehow managed to charm both parents.

_That good ol' Cullen charm. _I knew it couldn't have been inherited, so I assumed that the charm all the Cullen children possessed was absorbed from their parents through osmososis and even though it stemmed from them, Carlisle and Esme weren't immune to it. Carlisle chuckled at his son's ebullience while Esme smirked. Her hands were on her hips, but her amusement undermining her attempt to look stern; Em knew what he was doing, and Esme knew it too. _I loved this family._

"So, did you guys hear what Klutzella did today at school?" He asked throwing an arm over my shoulder while I blushed and looked at my feet.

"Emmett, do I see Hershey's syrup in your bowl? You better not have spilled any of it in that den."

Emmett headed for the kitchen attempting to evade Esme's questioning… _and to deal with the mess that he likely left behind. Thank God for Esme's shrewd eyesight, intolerance for messiness, and Emmett's talent for it._

I decided to seize the opportunity provided by Emmett's distraction and bail before anything could go wrong… _like Emmett opening his big Goddamn mouth again._ Quietly sneaking up to my room, I got ready for bed, crawled into it and waited for sleep to come, but it was evading me. My mind was a riotous mess, a New Orleans-sized disaster that I couldn't seem to tune out no matter how fervently I tried.

Images bounced around my skull… _Edward leaning closer, closer, closer…_ _Alice… my hand clasped with Edward's… his face when he rescued me from Scumball Newton… Renee… Edward's smirk… Renee pregnant… Edward holding me in the rain… _and words played through my ears_... 'Look at me, Bella.'… 'Bells, honey? It's Mom.'… 'Bella'... 'You're gonna be a big sister!'…_ _'Your lips'… 'I'm pregnant!'… 'Wh-what would I have done if I lost'_…_'Bella.'_

I must have eventually fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I was being awaken by someone firmly shaking my shoulder and calling my name while a screeching alarm keened in the background. It was going to be a shit day. _Fuck. My. Life._

**~//~**

The next couple of days passed by slowly. My mother's news and my own revelations cast a fog over me and everything seemed to drag on relentlessly. I was grateful that it was finals week because it meant that, aside from one final per day Tuesday through Friday (Monday was a study day), nothing was really expected from us. I was also grateful that the week was nearly over with; it was exhausting trying to keep up appearances. I was tired of having to smile, laugh at people's jokes, and participate in conversations… _well, I acted like I was listening and replied when asked a direct question. _

Operating under a deep lethargy, I was a shell of myself. Lackadaisical, languorous, and listless, I had reverted back to the Bella that existed pre-Phoenix and was living inside my head, stewing.

… _running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears…_

If anyone noticed my vapidity, my vacancy, nothing was said.

Alice reverted back to her normal self around me, so I could only assume that she had decided that nothing was going on between Edward and I… _as if there ever would be_. Regardless of her forgiveness… _or whatever the fuck it was…_ something in our relationship was still off. I suspected it was on my side because at times it seemed like Alice was trying to compensate for my lack of involvement/interest in our friendship and I would have… _should have_… felt guilty about it, but I couldn't feel anything.

Edward and I virtually avoided each other immediately following the 'incident that never happened.' When we couldn't avoid each other, we made it a point to say as little as possible to each other without appearing rude or drawing attention to it. It was mutually agreed upon, although never verbally, that neither of us had any interest in discussing or acknowledging what hadn't happened, but I couldn't get it out of my head. Instead I tried to convince myself that the almost-kiss was a product of my overactive, bored imagination and sexual frustration… _it was fail._

Alice and I were forced to ride to school with Edward the next morning since neither of us had a vehicle at the house. I wanted to ride with Emmett, but he had to leave early to attend the morning detention that he had gotten for… something or other. I was so desperate to not ride with Assward that I contemplated pretending to be ill, but Carlisle being a doctor and me being unable to act negated the idea. I went to school, handed in my essay in English and the work that was assigned as the lab make-up in Biology. After school I worked at Newton's until close, went home and Thursday was done.

Despite the changes, the next day was just as monotonous, but at least it was Friday. I took my Spanish final, which, thanks to Edward, I was well prepared for, and after school I once again worked at Newton's until close. I was going with my friends to a movie in Port Angeles, so I went straight home after work. As usual, I would be staying the weekend at the Cullen's. Charlie had grown accustomed to it and I think he may have actually preferred it this way since he didn't have to feel guilty about fishing on the weekends.

Promptly at 8:15, Edward's silver Volvo pulled up to the curb. I climbed in to the car expecting to find AliJazz, but found only Edward. Apparently Alice hadn't been ready to go and had sent him to pick me up saying that they would ride with Rose and Em in the Jeep. I wasn't happy about being stuck alone with him all the way to P.A., but thanks to his Daytona-style driving we got to the theater quickly. We were the first to arrive and we stood in line without talking while we waited for the rest of the group to arrive.

When the two couples finally arrived they joined us in line and promptly began a heated discussion regarding what movie to see. I hadn't paid any attention, and when asked for my opinion I replied with 'whatever you guys want to see' before pretending to receive a text and walking a little ways away. As I fiddled with my phone, I became aware of Edward's lingering stare. Despite being hyper-aware of him, I was surprised when he walked up to me and grabbed my wrist. He tossed some cash to his sister and said, "Bella and I are going to get in line at the concession stand. Does anyone besides Emmett want something?"

"Hey, why not me?" Emmett questioned in outrage.

"Because Emmett…" Rosalie sighed and smacked him upside the head "… they don't have a pack mule to haul it all back to you."

"Oh." Emmett responded ponderously. "Good thing I got you to help me, baby."

Emmett grabbed his girl around the waist and pulled her into him so that he could plant a kiss on her temple while Rose struggled to get away from him and made a show of being irritated. Even if we hadn't seen the small, pleased smile on her face, we all knew it was act and everyone laughed at the antics of the lovebirds… well, almost everyone.

… _and then along comes Debbie Downer…_

I managed to smile, although it didn't reach my eyes, but couldn't quite bring myself to laugh. Edward laughed, but his heart didn't seem to be in it and his eyes stayed on me, watching me like he was trying to see what was under my skin.

Once AliJazz put in their request, Edward walked off, pulling me along behind him. He didn't release me until we reached the doors and even then he didn't really let go, he just moved his hand from my wrist to my lower back as he guided me through the door. He kept it there as we wound our way around and through the throngs of people milling about the lobby and got into line.

He still didn't remove it once we were in line. Instead, he used it to anchor me to him and kept me from being jostled by the other movie-goers. I heard Emmett's booming voice from behind us as he stood in line and looked up at Edward to see him staring towards the theaters. I followed his gaze down until I saw Jasper with his arm wrapped around little Alice, who looked so happy that I stared at her for a moment and only caught a glimpse of Jazz gesturing at Edward, before they nodded at each other and Jazz and Alice turned around and continued their way towards the auditoriums.

As I turned back towards the steadily approaching counter I was stopped by a pair of angry, beady eyes focused on me. Lauren Mallory… _cunty slore…_ was staring at me with such intent, single-minded focus and open contempt that she didn't immediately realize that she had been caught. Her eyes moved back and forth between Edward and me several times before they lit up evilly… _I half expected her to utter 'Exceeeelent' and drum her fingers together, a la Mr. Burns._

She caught my eye and smirked at me just as someone approached her. Sparing one last, lingering look of disgust on me, she turned to her just arrived companion and then they both disappeared in the crowd. It happened so quickly that I didn't get a good look at her friend. I was only able to ascertain was that he was a 'he' with a light colored, short hair and was taller than me… _but really, who wasn't_. I was more than a little taken aback by the amount of calculated hatred that was plainly visible on her face.

I couldn't think of anything that I had done to her to merit that reaction from her, especially considering she had hardly even acknowledged my existence after the first couple months of school. I was pensive and contemplative with arms wrapped around my body like I was trying to insulate myself against my environment, and I was passive as Edward guided me forward when the line moved. As we came to a stop, I nebulously noted that we were nearly to the front of the line, only one person was standing between us and the snacks we had come for; I didn't think we had been in line that long.

"Bella…" His voice was low enough that no one around else could hear him.

The hand that had been hovering on my lower back slid to my side and gripped my hip. The intimacy of the action halted my woolgathering and I tilted my head to look towards, but not at, him. "Hmmm?"

"Where've you been the past couple days? You just… It's like… What's wrong?"

I answered with a laugh and a bright smile on my face, but my voice lacked the inflection necessary to be believable. "I'm fine, and what do you mean, where have I been? I've been the same places I always am. It's not like you haven't seen me around."

I lowered my eyes and started to drop my chin, but was stopped by Edwards's hand cupping my cheek in his hand. The hand on my hip pulled me closer to him, his arm rolling me towards him so that when I came to rest we were standing hip to hip and slightly facing each other, forming a mishapen 'V'. The pad of his thumb stroked over my cheekbone in a manner that was meant to soothe, but unknowingly burnt. He gently angled my face up, cajoling me to meet his gaze, and then refusing to relinquish my captured eyes. I was startled by the unbearably soft expression that had taken residence on his face.

"You're lying. You've been a million miles away since I found you on the side of the road in the rain on Wednesday. Why…?"

I somehow managed to tear my eyes from his only to have them land on something worse… Sloren Mallory.

… _If looks could kill, you'd be lying on the floor, you'd be begging me please, please don't hurt me no more…_

Edward had unknowingly filleted me. With his expression, he had exposed and laid bare my raw nerves, and Mallory seared me. _Out of the frying pan and into the fire, indeed. _ This was all too much for me to take; I was dangerously close to losing it. _Not now. Not here. Not with him. No, no, no, no, no!_ I needed to get away from him, but with Bitchbot shooting laser beams out of her eyes at me I couldn't flee. _I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't_. This whole situation was one big cliché upon idiom upon colloquialism and I was stuck in the middle of it with only one path to choose… _the lesser of two evils, I suppose._ I stood my ground.

"Way to make me sound like a fucking hooker, Cullen. I'm not lying. Could you just fucking drop it?" I was lying through my teeth.

…_my conversation has run dry, that's what's goin' on…_

"If you don't want to talk to about it, talk to me… fine, tell me you don't want to, but don't lie to me." His voice was low and ragged, and, by the end, broken.

_… nothing's fine, I'm torn, I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor…_

I debated internally over whether to fold or call his bluff, and decided to fold, even though the stakes were high and I was all in. "Fine! You win! Are you happy? I don't want to talk about it, but I am fine. Okay? Just let it go, for fuck's sake!"

… _illusion never changed into something real, I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn…_

"Fine. If that's what you want…"

… _you're a little late, I'm already torn …_

"That's exactly what I want," I muttered under my breath.

… _I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much, there's just so many things that I can't touch…_

"… but, if you change your mind, I'll be there for you."

… _nothing's right I'm torn...  
_

"I won't change my mind."

… _I'm torn…  
_

He looked like he was about to say something more, but before he could the person ahead of us finished and it was our turn at the counter. I pulled out of his clutches, surreptitiously glancing in Slore-Spore's vicinity to see if she was still there- she was- and then stepped up to the cash register. I rattled off AliJazz's requested snacks, asked for a bottle of water for me, and paid the acne-ridden boy behind the counter before Edward could object and then walked towards the ticket checker.

Edward collected me after stopping to get our tickets from EmmElie. Someone took our tickets and we headed into the auditorium that was showing our movie, where I was stuck sitting next to Edward. We had only been sitting for five minutes when they turned the house lights off, plunging us into complete darkness momentarily before the previews began.

The second the lights went off I knew I was in trouble. The undercurrent that always hummed between us began coursing through me so strongly that my entire body tensed. The energy had my hands actually twitching from the compulsion to reach out and touch him, so I crossed my arms over my chest and gripped my upper arms. My fingers dug painfully into my flesh as I tried to both stifle the urge and prevent myself from reaching over to touch him or grab him or something.

Sure that I had myself in check… _as sure as I could be_… I discreetly glanced around us to see if anyone else felt the sparks that I could practically see radiating from us. I couldn't understand how the people sitting near us weren't affected by the intensity. To my chagrin, the only one who seemed at all discomfited was Edward, whom, I was surprised to see, was pantomiming my position exactly. The fact that he didn't notice me or tease me when I slyly shifted my eyes his way was proof that he was not mocking me.

I hoped that the urge to grope him would go away once I grew accustomed to his nearness and the buzz it was creating. I don't remember what movie we saw because the only thing I could focus on was him. I was trapped by thoughts of him and torn between wanting to confess everything and the fear that doing so would cost me the little bit of him I did have.

The theater was stiflingly uncomfortable and making me claustrophobic. I finally couldn't take it any longer and about twenty minutes before the movie was supposed to end, I slipped out of the theater mumbling an excuse about needing to use the restroom. I went out to the lobby and sat on a fairly secluded bench that was tucked behind a column near the bathrooms.

I pulled my feet up, tucked my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. Prepared to wait the movie out, I took out my phone and pressed random buttons, hoping to look occupied so that no one would talk to me. After five minutes I heard the sound of approaching footsteps and I was hoping they would pass me by. Sure enough they stopped a few feet from me. _Go away whoever you are. Just leave me the fuck alone._

"Bella?" I looked up upon hearing the familiar voice and a big grin broke across my face.

"James!" I said standing up and taking a step towards him. "Fancy runnin' into you here? I haven't seen you around in a while."

"No one's more shocked than me. It has been a while. What are you doing here? Are you alone?"

"Uh, no. No, I'm not. Alice and… everyone are still in the theater. I had to go to the bathroom and then got a text. The movie's so close to the end that I thought I would just wait here for everyone."

He shuffled his feet a little and looked at the ground as he bit one side of his bottom lip. Then he looked up at me, eyes a little squinty, lip still in his mouth, like he wanted to ask me something. I felt a bit awkward as he just stood there looking at me, and then I was the one shuffling and staring at my feet. He stilled and I flicked my eyes up to his face as he released his bottom lip. His tongue darted out touching the spot he had been biting and he sucked in a deep breath.

"So, I was thinking… we never have had a chance to get together. You wanna go out tomorrow night? My friend Laurent is having a party here in P.A. and I thought it might be fun to go together... unless you have plans already."

_Fuck! _I'd promised Alice that I would go to Abductor Newton's party with them, and I couldn't very well just cancel even if I wasn't looking forward to being the odd man out yet again. It suddenly occurred to me that I was always going to be the solo one if I continued to content myself with tagging along. I realized that James was still speaking and looked back up at him.

He rocked back on his heels and scrubbed a hand over his hair and I realized that he looked ridiculously nervous. I couldn't fathom why and giggled a little. _Giggled? Had my fucking brain been switched with Jessica's? Was I a pod-person? I don't giggle. I blush like a mofo, but I don't giggle. _

"… grab a bite to eat, then stop by the party for a little while and then I'll take you home. I'm sorry that this is so last minute. If you already have plans then I…"

"I'd love to. Pick me up at Alice's?" He instantly relaxed and the anxious look on his face was replaced by a smile that… _made me a little tingly below the belt…_ I couldn't help but return. _He was no Edward, but spank me and call me a whore if he wasn't a damn fine specimen of man-meat. _

"Six okay?"

"Perfect."

"Well, I should get back to my friends then," he said before taking my hand in his. As the same time that he lifted my hand up, he leaned towards it in sort of a half bow and pressed a kiss against my hand. My cheeks warmed slightly. "Until tomorrow, Bella."

"Goodnight, James." _He's a smoothie, definitely a smoothie._

I continued standing there after he had walked away, staring dazedly into space. Edward was standing in front of me when I finally took my head out of my panties and tuned back in. Unwarranted shame and guilt flooded through me at the sight of him. _Fuck!_ How long had he been there? He was close enough that he would have heard everything, yet far enough away that I wouldn't have noticed him had James still been standing in front of me.

For two seconds I thought I saw the barest flicker of feeling mar his perfect fucking face, but then it was gone. His normal guarded, carefully neutral mask was back in place… _I liked to think of it as his asshole face_… and he was again shrouded by that cavalier attitude that made blood boil in more ways than one. I looked away and tried unsuccessfully to get a handle on my emotions.

How could he expect me to confide in him, seek his council, bare my soul and leave myself open and vulnerable to him? Except for the brief, accidental flashes I received,, he never revealed or exposed himself to me at all? He was just like Renee; he wanted me to give, give, give so he could just take, take, take… _enough!_ _No more! _My sudden epiphany settled over me like ash and I began to feel a new feeling wash over me.

__The abject depression and dejection that had been hovering, hanging, above my head for the past five months and had crashed down on me only two days before, turned in on itself, twisted, and then exploded like a neutron bomb full of pure anger, the energy of it rolling through and radiating from me. I rode the crest of the atomic cloud billowing forth and discovered the very thing that razed me also raised me. I wasn't going to be that girl anymore… _Renee's little rug, Alice's doll_… I was done with all of that bullshit.

A subtle yet dramatic shift occurred as I decided that I wouldn't--couldn't--live my life around someone else's any longer. This shift, perhaps not consciously understood, was not wasted on him. I noticed a change in his demeanor, a slight slumping of his shoulders as his defenses slowly lowered. We walked towards each other, stopping about two feet from each other.

"You following me around, Cullen?"

"No. You never came back, and Alice asked…" he paused his stilted speech and I could see his internal debate play across his face "… I was… was worried about you," he finally confessed.

_No! No, no, no, no, no! Don't do this now. Why the hell would he do this now? He doesn't… We can't… _I realized that he was still waiting for a response and stiffly replied, "Well, I'm fine."

We stood there uncomfortably for a few more moments before Edward's curiosity got the best of him.

"So… James, huh?" I noticed his jaw tighten as he said James' name.

"Yep." _Still so angry. _My answers are short, terse. I didn't owe him an explanation, but part of me was shouting out, 'See he cares!'_ I flipped that part of me the bird and then told it to fuck off for good measure._

"What are you going to tell Alice? You know she is gonna be pissed, right?"

"Not that it's your business or anything, but I think I'll tell her that I was asked out on a date by a fuckhot guy and that as much fun as hanging out with her and her perfect boyfriend usually is, I'm tired of always being the third wheel. And I am pretty sure that she won't be pissed." _So much for keeping my answers short._

"I'm sorry for asking. We'll miss you tomorrow." His attempt at making me feel guilty pissed me off more than I already was, but he looked so sad that I felt the wall of anger I had built up around me start to crumble.

"What are you doing in the morning?" He asked me.

"I don't know. Why?"

"I have something I want to show you something."

"Show me what?"

He shook his head. "I can't say. Just say that you'll come with me."

"Fine." The word just came out, I had no ability whatsoever to stop it, and he didn't give me any chance to back out of it. _He just looked so fucking eager and… fragile that I just couldn't say no. Don't forget you want to bone him… possibly have his children. Um, no I don't… I am such a liar._

"Cool," he said with a small smile.

"There you guys are!" _Alice Interruptus... again._ "What's going on?"

Alice looked at us accusatorially, specifically me since I was the one actually facing her. I was starting to become a little offended by her behavior. _Bitch acts like all anyone in the world does is plot how to hook up with Assward. Please. _ _I had better things to do… like James._ In fact, she was starting to really piss me off. I opened my mouth to tell her where she could put her passive-aggressive accusations, but Edward cut me off.

"Well, I had to take a piss. Swan, here…" he gestured towards me with a lazy wave of his hand "… supposedly had to use the restroom as well, but I kinda think she's full of shit since she didn't drag you and Rose along. It's probably best that she was by herself though, 'cause you'll never guess who Swan bumped into."

_Fucking Dickward!_ They both stared at me. _Way to put me on the spot! Jerk._

~//~

Alice ended up being more excited that I was going out with 'the blonde hottie' than upset about me bailing on our plans… _ she was mostly excited about playing stylist. Apparently 'going to a party with friends' hair, make-up and clothes are different than 'going to a party with a hot boy' hair, make-up and clothes. Huh! Who knew?_

I didn't know how she would react when I disappeared, possibly, with her brother in the morning, but I opted to not dwell on it too much, and since Edward never mentioned anything to his sister about our plans, I kept my mouth shut too. Besides, I wasn't _really_ going to go with him. _Right?_ Right. I decided to save everyone a fuckload of trouble and tell him on the way home from the movies that I couldn't go with him.

Brilliant plan, poor execution.

_Nothing ever works in my favor. _

_WTF, Karma?_

Someone… *_coughEdwardcough*…_ suggested we split up for the drive home- all the girls in his car, all the guys in Em's jeep- and when we got back to the house Edward vanished into thin air… _or maybe just his bedroom. How the fuck was I supposed to know since I couldn't very well just march up to the third floor without Alice calling in the SWAT team?_ By the time I crawled into bed that night, I had come up with a new plan. I would just stay in bed until Alice woke up and forced me into going to the mall or whatever.

Once again… brilliant plan, poor execution.

Edward _came into my bedroom _and woke me up at 6:30 in the morning and told me to dress warm. _Was whatever he wanted to show me going to to disappear if I didn't see it until… say, after nine-ish? _When I got downstairs he led me out into the darkness of the early morning, across the yard, and down Esme's looping garden path through the woods. What he could possibly want to show me in the woods, I hadn't a clue… _I knew something he could show me, and we wouldn't need to traipse through the woods for me to see it. _

Whatever it was, it had better be worth all of the bullshit I had to go through. It was colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra… _I don't even know what that means, but my point is that it was fucking cold…_ I had walked into spider webs and been repeatedly smacked in the face by tree branches, all while tripping over tree roots and rocks and viney maples or whatever the fuck they were called and… _Gahhhhh!_ I could think of better ways to spend my Saturday morning… _like in bed… possibly with Edward. Just sayin'._

"Are we almost there yet, Cullen? We've been walking for hours and I am le tired."

"It hasn't been hours, it's been twenty minutes, Swan… but yeah we're almost there. Look straight ahead of you and tell me if you see anything different."

I looked… and looked some more, but I saw jack shit.

"Nope, I see trees… more trees."

"Look closer."

I squinted my eyes and looked… "I think I see… light? Never mind, the trees are just a lighter shade of green."

Edward smiled and said, "Bitch, bitch, bitch! Come on. It's maybe ten minutes more."

I sighed and asked, "My speed or your speed?"

I rolled my eyes when he didn't answer me… _typical Edward…_ and that is why I did not see him when he stepped right in front of me and kneeled down with his back to me. It was so unexpected that I didn't have a chance to stop. Instead, I stumbled right into him and half fell over his shoulder. His arm snapped up, keeping me from falling sideways onto the ground, and he stood up.

"What in the hell…? Put me down, Assward."

"Quit fighting me, Swan."

"Edward Cullen if you don't put me down right now I am going to scream bloody fucking murder. Then you can deal with Emmett and Alice…" I struggled, but he kept one arm around my waist to hold me in place and ignored my flailing limbs "… I can't wait to hear what your excuse is for sneaking into my room at 6:30 in the fucking morning, on a Saturday no less, absconding with me into the woods where you promptly proceeded to molest me. Let me do-own!"

Edward started laughing loudly. _The bastard was fucking laughing at me._ I took careful aim on my next kick and got a direct hit to the back of his upper thigh with the toe of my boot hopefully giving him a Charlie horse. He hardly even flinched.

"Scream all you want, Swan. No one will hear you." _I could think of much better things to scream out, so why were we wasting time arguing again? _ "Besides, I think I might like hearing you scream."

"You are such an arrogant, cocky, self-serving fucking prick, you know that? Put. Me. Down. Now."

"We'll get there a lot faster if you just shut up and hold on."

I made one final attempt to get down, but Edward wouldn't let go of me. He did stop momentarily to allow me to shift around until I was riding piggyback… _I knew a better way to ride him._ When I was securely in place-- arms around his neck, legs locked over his hips and held in place by his arms-- he resumed walking. _Holy Mother of God!_ With each stride he took, Shorty's joy button was buzzed. I bit down on my lip as I tried not to whimper or moan.

I tightened my grip around his neck and hooked my feet around his ass… _fuck me, could this day get worse…_ using the provided leverage to push the lower half of my body away from him. Of course this smooshed my girls, Turner and Hooch, into his back and caused my already cold-hardened nipples to pucker up even more. I was fairly certain that he couldn't feel them through the many layers between us, but I wasn't willing to bet on it… _they were so fucking hard they could probably cut their way through all of it._

I had been showing myself a _lot_ of self love lately… _Lately? Try the last five months. I seriously had to thank all the deities in the Universe (this one goes out to you R. Plant) for the detachable showerhead and the battery operated technological genius of my JR…_ but I was so beyond sexually frustrated at this point that just my tits rubbing against his back had me panting and wanting to rub myself all over him. Despite all of my _ménage et mois,_ I still felt completely pent up and unsatisfied… _lets face it, the only thing that was going to satisfy me was Edward's nice hard coc…_ Oh, dear God, shut up!

~//~

Edward finally came to an abrupt halt, and I nearly fell as I launched myself off of his back. I looked at my watch and saw that, assuming we were there, he had been right… _I hated it when he was right…_ it had only taken ten minutes and it would have taken much longer had he not given me a ride… _not the kind of ride I had in mind though_. We were still in the woods and I looked around, unable to figure out what he could possibly want to show me way the fuck out there that I couldn't have seen near the house or anywhere else along our route or in Forks, for that matter. It all looked exactly the same… verdant green and murky.

"What the fuck did you bring me all the way out here to see? Trees? Coulda seen those from the house… like from inside the actual house, Cullen…" Edward had grasped my shoulders from behind… _not going there, but gahwd… _and was gently guiding me forward as I continued to rant, rave, and express my general annoyance at having been pulled from my perfectly warm bed… _and dreams of him…_ while it was still dark outside only to be dragged outside into the freezing ass cold where I was forced to march through the spider infested, treacherous woods for… nothing! _What? I was a little fucking peeved. *shrugs shoulders*_

Reaching over my shoulder to grab a limb, his chest pressed against my back and effectively ended my tirade. If that wouldn't have been shut me up, what he revealed when he moved the branch away would have done the trick. _It actually took my breath away. _Directly in front of me was the most beautiful meadow, made silver by the sun of early winter morning shining down through the misty fog. It was enchanting and idyllic, but not in that patronizing, overly Americana-y Thomas Kinkaide way. It was a peaceful kind of idyll.

"I take it you like it then?" He asked, beaming down at me. I wasn't capable of speaking yet, so I just nodded with my jaw hanging open… _and for once, for some reason, he didn't make fun of or point out my slack-jawed, wide-eyed gaze._

"Sorry for making you get up so early, but this is the best time of day to see it in the winter and it's supposed to rain later on today."

I gained the use of my voice at the same time my motor skills began to function. Leaving Edward at the edge of his meadow, I wandered into the center of it and spun around and around in a circle, my arms that had been hanging loosely at my sides flared out from the centrifugal force and I let my head fall back so I could take in the unobstructed patch of sky above my head. "Edward this is gorgeous!" I said with a tinkling laugh… _that many have considered giggling_… as I spun.

My heel caught on a rock, causing me to stumble.I don't know how Edward got to me so quickly, but he did and was right there to catch me. _I have always been clumsy, but that shit grew worse whenever Mr. Fuckswithmyemotionshard was around. Mr. Fuckwithmycenterofgravity? _He held me a bit too tightly, for a bit too long, with my back once again pressed against his chest… _causing my heart palpitating wildly._ I spastically separated myself from him, half expecting him to not let me go, but his arms parted like _buttuh._

"Ooops!" I said, flushing a bright shade of red… _and not just from embarrassment._ "Sorry." _Wow! Aren't I just the epitome of grace and wit? _

"S'okay," he said, his voice a bit raspy and coarse from the lung-searingly icy air.

"When…? How… how did you find this place?" I whirled around with a delighted smile on my face, but it fell upon seeing the strained look on his face. His expression cleared when he realized that I was looking at him and he smiled. The meadow was much too enchanting to let Sourpussward's mercurial behavior bring me down, so I shrugged it off and returned his smile.

"Come on," he said, grabbing my hand. He pulled me behind him up a slight incline towards a large boulder close to the creek bank. Hidden by the densely fronded ferns next to an old stump and running parallel to the creek was a log. It pressed against the flat-ish front of the boulder before it disappeared into the brush just beyond, leaving just enough room between itself and the edge of the bank for a person to walk so long as they stayed close to it.

When Edward indicated for me to walk ahead of him and take a seat on the makeshift log bench, I discovered that the bank was really an outcrop that rose several feet above the water, at least in that spot. Being so close to the edge was disorienting. My precarious balance frayed my nerves and my frazzled nerves didn't help my balance. It was a vicious catch-22 and I froze.

"I've got you," Edward said under his breath, his voice barely a whisper as he squeezed my hand in assurance. He didn't release my hand until I was sitting on the log with my back resting against the boulder. Once I was secure, he sat down next to me and leaned back against the stump. Once comfortable, he looked across the creek and began to speak.

"Sometimes things start to overwhelm me. Like I can hear all of these voices in my head and no matter what I do nothing seems to drown them out. I just need to get away, go someplace quiet where I can't hear my own thoughts for a while…" he turned his head and looked at me finally "…you know what I mean?

I nodded and his eyes returned to looking across the creek. I knew exactly what he meant. Books usually did that for me, but hadn't been working. The voices were so goddamn loud that nothing seemed to drown them out, but I had found peace in the meadow the moment I gazed upon it. I didn't know if it was the magic of the place or from the boy at my side, but I didn't care. I was just grateful for the silence.

"One day the voices just got too fucking loud, so I went for a walk on the garden loop. I followed a deer trail that I spotted as the path started to loop around and followed it here. I've been coming back ever since. It's the one place I can always find peace and… I thought maybe it could do the same thing for you. I've never taken anyone else here. I just didn't think they would appreciate it…" I interrupted him.

"And you thought I would?" He nodded. "Edward, I… I don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing this place… your meadow with me."

"It's our meadow now," he said quietly.

Tears welled up in my eyes. Sometimes he was the perfect man and others… he was Assward. The Assward times occurred more frequently, but the perfect times far outweighed them. "Whoever ends up with you is going to be a lucky girl, Edward Cullen," I announced. "A very lucky girl."

_Why can't it be me!_ I thought, grateful that he couldn't read minds. I was alone in a meadow with what I thought was the real Edward, far from intruders and interruptions… _and cockblocking pixies…_ I couldn't dwell on dangerous thoughts like that. Before I could dwell on it, Edward began talking again.

"Did Alice ever tell you why we left Alaska?"

"Um, yeah. Your dad was offered a job…" Perplexed by they question, I trailed off.

"That's why we moved to Forks, but that's not why we left Alaska…" I looked at him curiously "… we left because of me."

"Whad-whaddya mean? I don't understand."

"No one is supposed to know about any of this, Bella. You have to swear to me, on your life, that you will carry this to the grave with you. If you told anyone anything, even in passing, my family would be destroyed."

His voice broke at the end of his sentence and I could tell by the tormented and fearful look on his face that he wasn't fucking with me so I promised him. It was an easy promise for me to make… _I would have promised him anything…_ and one I wouldn't break.

I listened raptly while Edward told me everything and when he finished he said looked at me and said, "So, I know a thing or two about mommy issues if you want to talk."

My jaw dropped. _He couldn't… How… _ I hadn't said a word to anyone about her phone call, I never spoke about Renee and I certainly wasn't going to start. "I don't know what you're talking about Edward."

He shifted on the log, turning his entire body until he was facing me and stared at me without saying a word. I only managed to maintain his eye contact for a moment before I was squirming and had to look away. He stayed silent for a bit longer and just when I couldn't take it anymore he spoke.

"I'm not stupid, Bella. You never mention her and anytime someone brings her up you answer vaguely and then change the subject…" he paused and then looked away as he muttered, "…and you talk in your sleep."

My head snapped towards him. "And how the hell do you know that I talk in my sleep, Stalkward?"

_Oh, ho, ho! Now who was unable to make eye contact?_ I smugly thought when he refused to look at me. "Hmmm? I'm waiting."

"I was walking down the hall on Wednesday night and happened to overhear you, but you were pretty fucking loud so I probably could have heard you in my room."

I suddenly remembered a very vivid dream I had, and blushed what I am guessing was neon red… _is that even a real color? _I stole a peek at him out of the corner of my eye and then looked away. Judging by the smirk on his face I needed to change the subject stat. I decided that Renee was a better topic of discussion than the one we were about to have and I felt I owed him after everything he told me, so I spilled.

"Fine, if you really want to hear about my mommy issues, I'll tell you."

Edward turned to look at me and nodded. I opened my mouth and it all just poured out of me. Edward and I talked for hours, really talked, without any innuendo or discomfort or angry, frustrated outbursts, none that were directed at each other at least. It was just Edward and Bella with none of the other bullshit that so often accompanied and jaded our interactions.

This was the Edward that I only caught glimpses of, the one I could see myself falling for if I wasn't careful… _cause yeah, the face and the bod that made my panties wet and me want to jump him from the minute I saw him didn't help at all. *snort* _ Don't get me wrong, Assward was fuckhot, but he only affected my body not my heart. The real him left me drowning. For the first time, I felt like we were on equal footing. While we were in the… _our_ meadow, the tension and desire I felt around him was tamped down.

~//~

Too cold to stay there any longer, we headed back. We walked slowly, neither of us wanting to lose the connection we had formed during our time in the meadow, the intimacy that we had shared without even touching. It was nearly 11 when we made it back to the shorter loop of the garden path and we parted ways there. Neither of us wanted to answer the questions that would come if we arrived together so I took the path back to the house and Edward cut through the woods to come out on the far side of the garage.

When I got back to the house Alice looked at me funny, but since I had a date with someone that it would be legal for her to fuck and the fact that I was alone when I walked into the house, she accepted my explanation that I couldn't get back to sleep so I went for a walk.

The little evil one… _who would've made Chucky a great bride, him or Satan…_ let me slam back some coffee and a scone before she forced me up to her room where she spent the day making sure that every inch of my skin was buffed, polished, and/or moisturized. _If this is how she prepares for a date, I would hate to see how she prepares for a wedding. _

"But, Bell-la! It's not just a date, it's a first date and the first date that you have had in the five months you've been in town! This is a big deal and you better start taking it seriously."

"Fine, fine! Have your way with me, just… ease up some, munchkin," I said as I laughed at the pumice wielding, angry elf in front of me.

Once I relented, she mellowed out and, though I loathe admitting this, we actually had fun. _I still thought she was going a bit overboard, but…whatever._ Rose managed to peel herself away from the Mustang that she was restoring for Jasper's birthday to come and gab with us a few times and even ate a late lunch with us. All in all it was a pretty good day. I wouldn't say I loved the girlie stuff, but I was learning to enjoy it so long as it didn't require any contribution from me. S_ounds lazy, but I was the one being forced; I might as well sit back and enjoy the pampering._

By the time six rolled around my skin was soft and glowing, my finger and toenails were painted, and my hair was hanging all shiny and wavy down my back. _Why the fuck couldn't I ever get my hair to look the way Alice did? I had had long hair all my life, while Alice had always had short hair. Not fair._ Alice had kept makeup was simple, and my clothes were warm and casual. As 6:30 approached, I slipped the mid-calf engineer boots that Alice had recently helped me pick out over my jeans, grabbed my phone, some cash and my keys and then headed downstairs.

I hadn't seen Edward since we parted earlier that morning, but the closer it got to James arrival, the more I thought of him. I scolded myself time and time again, telling myself that it wasn't fair to James to be thinking of another guy while preparing to go out with him. Even if Edward did want me… _which he didn't…_ it couldn't happen. Not only would I lose my friends, but it would cause a rift to come between Edward and his flesh and blood… _Alice_.

Alice was still upstairs, so I was perched on a chair in the sitting room waiting by myself for James to arrive. Just as I succeeded in silencing all thoughts of Edward, the devil himself appeared at my elbow.

"You look lovely, Bells."

I gasped and jumped about 20 feet out of the wingback chair I was sitting in, one hand flying up to my chest. I started laughing when I saw that it was just him and then I realized what he said to me and I grew tingly.

"I look lovely, Cullen?" I asked in a mocking voice, not knowing how to react to his sweet confession. It was one thing when he was sweet in the meadow… _our meadow he had called it…_ but here it unnerved me and confused me. I didn't need that right then. "Since when do you tell girls that they look 'lovely,' hmmm?"

I could feel him tense beside me. "Look, I was just trying to…" he paused trying to rein in his temper, and failed "… forget I said anything. Look, if anything happens or you need a ride home or anything, you can call me. I'm gonna be the DD tonight, soooo… just promise you'll call if you need me?"

I was facing him and he was grasping my hands, but I couldn't figure out how it happened. The look he gave me lit me on fire; I was cooking from the inside out, but I was shocked and a little pissed off by his offer. What I wouldn't have given for that kind of attention from him five months ago, a week ago, hell, even yesterday? _Not that it could go anywhere._ But no, he chose that day and right then when I was about to leave on a date to act like he cared? Well fuck that.

Just as I was about to give him a piece of my mind, James pulled in. I pulled my hands away and stepped around him heading for the hallway. "My date is here. I don't have time for this. I have to go," I said coldly.

Realizing that I forgot my stuff in the sitting room, I turned back around and ran smack into Edward. "Bella…"

"What, Cullen?" I snapped at him. He winced a little at my harsh tone and for a second looked like I had kicked his puppy.

_Ding, dong!_ The doorbell rang.

"I've go-ot ittttt!" Alice called out skipping down the staircase.

"Just don't forget what I said. I meant it."

"Thanks, but I am sure that won't be necessary. I gotta go."

He moved out of my way and I walked over to collect my things before heading to the front door. While I wasn't exactly prepared to face James, I was happy for the excuse to get away from Edward. I could feel Edward's eyes on me and then I heard him following. _So much for getting away from him._

I forced a big smile on my face as I stepped into the hallway. "Hey, James. You're right on time." _Lame, Swan. Really lame. _

"Hi, Bella. You look great. Ready to go?"

"Um, thank you. I just need to get my coat and then, yeah." I couldn't remember where my coat was and I turned in a circle looking around the hallway. I tried not to look at Assward, but I failed. I thought he looked pissed, but it was probably just wishful thinking.

"I think it's up in my room," Alice said.

"Oh! That's right." I looked at James. "Let me just run upstairs and then we can go."

I hurried up the staircase to Alice's room and started frantically searching, but didn't see it anywhere. I was grateful when Alice showed up, but then I realized that Edward and James were alone together. She went straight over to the coat rack in the corner of her room and grabbed my coat. I tossed it on and started for the door.

"Where's the fire, Bella?" I stopped and turned to look at her.

"James is waiting…" _alone, with your pissy-looking brother._ "I should probably get back down there..." I pointed over my shoulder with my thumb as Alice cut me off.

"Make him wait. You don't want to seem over eager. Let's go touch up your makeup." _Alice and her rules! _

When I finally went downstairs, the tension inside the entryway nearly knocked me over. Edward was leaning against the wall, arms crossed and glaring at James who was standing at the bottom of the stairs near the door glaring right back at Edward. I gave Edward a snotty look from the bottom of the stairs just before James turned to me and smiled.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Yep, let's go." I heard Alice hopping down the stairs as I took the last two steps to James.

"Great," he said, grabbing my hand and stepping towards me to give me a kiss on the cheek. It was a little bit forward of him for the start of a first date, but considering he had already had his tongue down my throat and his hand down my pants… well, whatever.

He paused for just a moment after kissing me and my eyes flickered to his face to find him smirking at Edward. I couldn't keep myself from rolling my eyes over his immaturity. Unable to decide which of the two was behaving like the bigger ass, I forced myself to shrug it off and tugged him out the door.

"I'll see you when you get back, Bells," Alice called out as we walked out the door.

"Okay, Ali. Have fun tonight."

"What time will you be home, Bella?" Edward asked.

"When I get here, Cullen. What are you, my father? Bye, Al!" _Seriously? What the fuck?_

I didn't give Edward a chance to say anything; I just shut the door and headed to James' car. He left me at the passenger's side door and walked around to the other side. _Apparently chivalry is dead! Edward always opens the car door for me._ I pushed the thought out of my head, promised myself that I wouldn't spend the evening comparing him to Edward and got in the car.

~//~

We had dinner at some cheesy Italian restaurant named Bella Italia in Port Angeles. _Oooh, take me to a restaurant with my name as part of it's. Original. And for the record, I'm not even Italian. _The food was okay, but the conversation left a little to be desired. He spent most of the meal talking about himself, which was a little rude… _not that I was eager to talk about myself, but still_. As he rattled on about hunting or something, I found myself thinking of conversations I had had with Edward and wishing that I was talking to him instead. Even when we were bickering or fighting, at least it was stimulating.

I was relieved when we finally left the restaurant and headed to the party. _Maybe his company would be more enjoyable if I was drunk._ We arrived at the party sometime after 9:30 and went inside. I had to use the restroom, so James showed me to it saying said he would go grab me a drink and to meet him in the kitchen. I didn't really plan on drinking too much... _sloppily drunk girls weren't all that attractive..._ because I was an hour away from home and didn't know James all that well.

I walked to the kitchen feeling like everyone was staring at me and was relieved when I found James immediately. He was standing next to the island holding a beer in one hand and a red cup in the other. My nerves and I were both grateful when he handed me the red cup. I slammed it down in several big gulps, barely tasting the whiskey and coke.

"Thirsty?" He asked with a laugh. I nodded and he poured me another.

"Slightly nervous. I hate not knowing anyone," I elaborated as he handed me my drink.

"Don't be nervous. You know me…" he looked over my shoulder and gestured behind me "…and you know them."

I looked behind me to see Alice sheepishly waving at me as she walked towards me. I noticed the rest of the gang behind her, including a glowering Edward, but they were stopped en route to chat with people they knew.

"Sorry, Bells! I am not here crashing your date or anything. Newton's party got cancelled and Em insisted on going out. I guess Laurent called him about this shindig on Tuesday, but Em didn't mention it because of Mike's party. You're not mad are you?" The words came tumbling out of her mouth quickly, a sure sign that she was concerned I was upset.

"No, it's fine. I'm actually relieved that I know someone now. So, you guys know people already?" I asked, looking past Alice to watch two girls I didn't recognize as they pawed at Slutward. His gaze riveted on James' hand wrapped around my hip, he hardly noticed their attention. He watched intently as James' index finger rubbed back and forth along the waistband of my jeans, slooooowly creeping up until he slipped his it just under the edge of my sweater and the tip met my bare skin.

Alice answered me, unaware of my preoccupation. "A few people, I guess, but not real well. The guys have a few friends here that they get together with on occasion, and Edward is acquainted with more than a few of the ladies naturally. Although, I don't think they can be called ladies if they are acquainted with my brother."

I didn't listen to a word she said, I was too focused on the showdown that seemed to be happening between Edward and James. _What it was over, I hadn't a clue._ Edward's hands formed into tightly clenched fists at his sides, the skin was stretched white over his knuckles giving them the appearance of bone. The tension in the room had increased marginally… _or maybe it was my imagination…_ and my nervousness rose with it.

Alice paused briefly, waiting for a nod before continuing. "Cool. I just wanted to make sure you weren't upset. I'm gonna go find Jazzy before he gets mauled in this bitch brew and let you enjoy your date. I'll find you later, okay?"

"Sure, Ali. Tell everyone I'm not mad and I'll see ya'll in a bit."

She winked at me as she walked away, but I hardly noticed. Some Pro-skank chased the amateurs away and claimed Edward for herself. All I could see of her was brittle-looking blonde hair as she faced him with her hands palms down on his chest while she drummed a rhythm with her nails. Edward took a drink from a red cup similar to mine and I noticed for the first time that he was drinking. _So much for his little 'call me if you need anything' speech. Douche. Giant, huge, great big, epic douche. _

I slammed my drink back, thinking and knowing that I should slow down, but unable to. I suddenly felt the heat of James' body running up and down the full length of my side as he pressed against me. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Another?"

I nodded absently and handed him my cup as I stared at Edward still being molested by Skankzilla and wondered where I knew her from. Something about her seemed familiar, but I couldn't place her. I felt warm as I began to feel the effects of the alcohol going to my head. If two were hitting me that hard, I didn't need another, but I took it regardless. Pressing himself back against me, James leaned down to my ear and traced his tongue along the edge.

I shivered and took a large sip of my drink. Looking back at Edward, I saw his eyes flash with anger as they jerked to my date's face. I stole a sidelong glance at James, who was nuzzling my neck, and found a look of smug satisfaction plastered on his face as he stared back at Assward. _Their pissing contest was growing old._ When I returned my attention to Edward, the blonde ho-ooor in front of him grasped his jaw in her claw-like hands and pulled his eyes down to her.

With visible effort, he plastered what I was sure was supposed to be his trademark grin on his face, but it looked more like a sneer… _to me at least, but I had put in a lot of time familiarizing myself with his every expression as I tried to read him figure him out._ That he felt he had to humor her and allowed her to temporarily distract him bothered me. _I was bothered if he focused on me and bothered if he didn't. _

_You'll never see the courage I know, its color's richness won't appear within your view; I'll never glow the way that you glow, your presence dominates the judgments made on you…_

Skankula's hands slid to the back of his head, her fingers weaved into his hair, and then she pulled his head down and locked her lips to his. Edward's empty hand moved to her shoulder and he vigorously returned her kiss.

…_but as the scenery grows I see in different lights, the shades and shadows undulate in my perception…_

I was suddenly dizzy and couldn't bear to watch anymore so I closed my eyes and leaned back against James. Taking it as encouragement, James began planting wet kisses along the length of my neck.

…_my feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights…_

_Fuck it._ If Slutward is going to have a good time with one of his concubines then I was going to enjoy myself to.

…_I understand what I am, still too proud to mention to you…_

I gave myself in to the sensations that James was creating. The electricity that Edward brought into the room with him increased in intensity.

…_You'll say you understand… _

I opened my eyes to find him looking at me, anger and hurt and maybe betrayal.

…_but you don't understand, you'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye…_

My throat suddenly growing dry, I took a small sip of my drink and winced before setting it down on the counter top. I couldn't remember how much I had had to drink, but I didn't think I should be this drunk. _The drinks must have been stronger than I thought. _

…_You'll never touch these things that I hold, the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own; you'll never feel the heat of this soul…_

Fully behind me, his hard dick pressing into me and his fingertips slowly inching up below my sweater, James continued kissing and sucking and biting at my neck and any other inch of exposed flesh. I stared at Edward with undisguised longing. Edward continued to make out with the blow-up doll in his arms, but his eyes were locked with mine and I couldn't tear mine away. Something was off with him, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what.

…_my fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you… _

Suddenly the blonde turned around… Lauren. Fucking. Mallory.

…_you'll never hear the message I give…_

I saw red, my heart shot out of my chest and my stomach twisted painfully into knots and I nearly collapsed from the pain and betrayal I felt.

…_you'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight, but as the scenery grows I see in different lights…_

Looking like evil incarnate she grinned at me, took Edward's hand in hers and dragged him towards the front door. Time stopped. All I could hear was the furious, staccato pounding of my heart in my ears. My throat closed up and ached with the effort of keeping my tears at bay. I felt gutted, shattered, as I watched him leave with that whore.

…_my feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights…_

I tried to once again lose myself in the attention James was slavering on my body, but I couldn't I just felt dizzier and dizzier and shorter and shorter of breath.

"James," I gasped but he ignored me.

"James!" I tried again only this time it worked.

"Hmmm?" He moaned into my neck.

"I need to go outside for a minute. I just need some fresh air."

"Okay, I'll wait right here. Don't take too long." He nipped at my ear and then released me and stepped away.

…_I realize what I am now, too smart to mention to you... _

I stumbled my way through the kitchen, across the living room and out the front door. Gripping the handrail as I walked down the steps, I took care not to stumble. Still being careful, I walked down the concrete path and stepped in front of the garage onto the driveway. I leaned back against front of the garage next to the roll-up door with my eyes closed and took some deep breaths trying to get the dizziness to fade.

…_I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why…_

I heard what sounded like a soft moan and my eyes popped open. I was sickened, made physically ill, by what I saw, but I couldn't move my feet. I couldn't believe my eyes… _but was I really surprised? _ Not even thirty feet away, almost directly in front of me, was Edward resting his back against his car. His head was thrown back in ecstasy, the back of it resting on top of the car, with Mallory on her knees in front of him. His hands were buried deep in her hair as he helped guide her mouth over his dick. Seeing his dick in her mouth made me want to puke in mine.

…_I don't know what to believe in, you won't know who I am…_

I had no right, but I was hurt and felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. Gasping, I managed to suck in a choked breath of air. Edward's head shot up and his eyes popped open. He looked straight at me and our eyes met. I wanted nothing more than to erase the image before me from my mind, or at the very least run away, but I could do neither. Without warning, his eyes tried to roll back into his head, his face scrunched up in a way that made both my stomach and my heart constrict. To my horror he forced his eyes to remain open and trained on mine as he came in her mouth with a grunt. Tears welled up in my eyes and a deep aching grief threatened to overtake me.

…_you'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry…_

His whore was still on her knees cleaning him off with her mouth like an alley-cat. I didn't want and wouldn't give her that satisfaction of seeing me. I pushed myself away from the garage and rushed towards the house on wobbly legs. I only made it two steps before my drunken and even clumsier ass tripped… _who the fuck knows, a pebble perhaps…_ and tried to do a face-plant on the walkway. I had skinned up hands but all my pain was tied up in what Edward had just done to me.

…_you'll say you understand, you'll never understand…_

I had almost started thinking after everything he had said and done that day, that maybe Edward really could feel the way I did. Even if we could never be more than friends I felt better just thinking that it was a possibility. I guess I was wrong.

…_but never is a promise and I'll never need a lie._

~//~

I went straight to the kitchen to find James when I entered the house. I was careful to keep my face blank except for the small smile I forced. I sidled up to him and James pulled me in front of him and wrapped his arms around my waist. I just wanted to get lost in the booze and the oblivion that sex provided; if I couldn't have the man that I wanted, then it would have to be enough to have the man that wanted me. He handed me my drink and I eagerly took it, drinking the half full beverage in two gulps.

I slammed the empty plastic cup down on the island next to us and then spun in his arms until I was facing him. Borrowing a move from Mallory, I gripped his head with both of my hands and forcefully pulled his face to mine. I kissed him roughly and pressed myself against him until our entire bodies were touching. My mind would not engage itself in the kiss, it did not want this, but I forced it to acquiesce and let my body lead me into sin.

James' hands moved down to cup my ass and I reached up to wrap my arms around his neck. I slid one leg up the side of his body letting him know my intentions and when I hopped up he caught me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, my lips still pressed to his, and didn't give a fuck that people were watching. I opened my eyes only to shut them again quickly. Everything was spinning and distorted like I was on the inside of a fishbowl looking out and it was too bright… _and he was not Edward._

"James," I said against his lips. "Take me… can we go somewhere more private? Please?"

"Whatever you want, baby."

He walked across the kitchen and up the stairs with me clinging to his front. Just like that morning when I had been riding on Edward's back, every step he took was doing magical things to my girly parts. I moaned against his lips as my body gained more control. I was vaguely aware of the crowd in the living room cheering James on as he carried me up the stairs, but I didn't care… and secretly I wanted Edward to find out. I wanted him to hurt and if I couldn't have that then I at least wanted him to know that wasn't sitting around pining for him.

My body was firmly in control when we reached the top of the stairs and my sweater and bra were off and his lips were latched onto one nipple while his finger roughly pinched and rolled the other by the time we fell through the doorway of the nearest bedroom. He kicked the door closed behind us and we fell to the bed in a tangled, twisted mess of limbs, lips, and teeth as clothes were ripped off and tossed across the room. The rest of that night was a blur of random images, sounds and sensations.

Our touches were greedy and rough as we fought for dominance. He wasted no time in picking up where we left off on the stairs all those months ago, only this time he was able to finish me off. Before I had a chance to come back down to earth he pulled a condom from his pocket and rolled it on. He somehow managed to trap my hands between my body and the bed holding them in place with one of his and positioned himself above me. For a split second my head broke through my bodies defenses telling me I didn't want this, I didn't want him, and I panicked and fought against him.

"You like it rough, baby? Good. That's how I like it too and that's how I'm gonna give it to you," he said as he pushed inside of me with so much force that it was nearly painful. He grunted as he sheathed himself fully inside of me. He remained still for a moment and then used his free hand to hitch one of my legs over his hip.

I struggled to push the panic back reminding myself that what I wanted was not mine, could never be mine, and didn't want me in any case, but James did… _and I wanted so desperately to be wanted_. I was able to calm myself and gave myself over entirely to my senses. He plunged in and out of me while his mouth greedily devoured mine. His teeth nipped, his fingers pinched, and his hands bruised as he brutally used my body. I remained passive as he maneuvered and positioned my body according to liking. The pleasure I needed and the pain I felt I deserved combined into one sensation.

I wanted to come, I needed to come. I was on the edge but I couldn't quite fall over the cliff. I closed my eyes and imagined it was Edward above me and I started to fall. I thought I felt a buzz that had nothing to do with James and my snapped open and thought I saw Edward in the doorway… _I have seen stars before but never the guy I fantasized about_… but I wrote it off as a drunken delusion, an extension of the fantasy that I used to get there, and cried out a string of unintelligible words as I felt my release crash over me, roll through me.

~//~

I woke up the next morning alone in my bed at the Cullen's. My head throbbed more than it rightfully should have, and I couldn't remember how I got home. I thought back on the night before and was grateful that my memories were so hazy because the things I could remember made me sick. I tried to go back to sleep but when I closed my eyes, I saw Lauren on her knees in front of Edward, only this time when I gasped both of them turned to look at me and began laughing.

My stomach revolted and I barely made it to the bathroom in time. I heaved up everything in my stomach and then heaved some more. When I was done I pressed my face into the cold tile on the floor and just lay until my strength came back. When it finally did, I pulled myself to my feet, turned the shower on and brushed my teeth while the water warmed up. I popped a couple Tylenol before I jumped in the shower and by the time I was out I actually felt a little better, which wasn't saying much.

Wrapped in a towel, I stepped into my bedroom and grabbed the first things I put my hands on. I stood in front of the full length mirror as I dressed and inspected my body, grimacing at each bruise I discovered. I gingerly ran my thumb across a bruise over my ribs and found myself clutching the bureau beside me to keep myself upright as an a bunch of discordant images played through my head, nearly dropping me to the floor.

_Edward, his face twisted in rage, pulling James off of me and slamming him into the wall. Me lying naked and broken on the bed, curled into a ball as sobs ripped from chest, shaking my body. Edward cradling me to his chest crying, "Bella, my beautiful Bella, what did you do? What did I make you do?"_

_Edward again, being ripped away from me as James, mostly dressed now, punched him in the face. Edward punching James in the guts and the face, again and again and again. Drops of blood splattering on the wall as Edward's fist collided again with James' face. Emmett pulling Edward off of James while Jasper stood between them, one hand on James' chest and the other on Edwards, "Get Bella dressed and get her down to the car."_

_Alice and Rosalie hovering over me, somehow dressing me, pulling me off of the bed and half dragging me down the stairs and out to the car._

I was shaken to the core and gasping as I tried to pull myself together. I had to get out of here, I needed to think. _Had that really happened?_ I hastily threw on the clothes I had grabbed, not caring that I was wearing a denim pencil skirt. I grabbed my coat and snuck from my room using the front stairs and slipped out the front door unseen. I skirted the house and plunged into the woods heading in the direction that I hoped would lead me to the trail.

Forty five minutes later and a little battered, I stepped into the meadow and peace descended over me. I went to the log and sat in the same spot I had sat yesterday. I just sat quietly, staring at the rain-swollen creek as it rushed past. I don't know how long I had been sitting there, shivering from the cold and locked inside my silent mind, when I heard footsteps. I knew whose they were immediately and though part of me was startled he was there, a deeper part of me had been expecting him.

Not trusting myself near the edge of the bank, I clambered over the log and though the ferns and miscellaneous flora. I took off across the meadow intent on going back to the house. I didn't want to do this right now. I just wasn't ready. I barely managed to make it three steps when his hand wrapped around my upper arm like a steel band and snatched me back towards him. I was instantly angry… _it was that or tears and I refused to cry. _I was so fucking angry with him that I couldn't even see straight.

"What the fuck is your problem, Swan?" He had the nerve to shout at me.

I lost any remaining trace of control I still had on my temper, and my anger swelled, taking complete control of me. I was incensed, livid, wrathful, infuriated, irked. I was a nuclear warhead set to detonate, the time-clock ticking down. _10, 9, 8…_ Leveling my eyes on him I stalked forwards. … _7, 6… _I can only imagine that I must have been fearsome… _little old me, seriously… _because his eyes grew wide and he took a couple steps back, only stopping when his back hit the boulder. …_ 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…_

I slapped him. Hard. And then froze. He didn't even reach up to clutch his face; he was still, stupefied with shock like me. I thawed first though.

"I saw you," I shouted, praying that the threatening tears would stay at bay long enough for me to charge him, lay his crimes at his feet and then retreat. "I saw you in the driveway with that whore's lips wrapped around your dick."

I slapped him again and he let me. He was still frozen, only this time I assumed it was from the guilt that was showing on his face. I didn't know how far I was pushing him, I didn't know that he was every bit as volatile as me until it was two late and his fuse had already been sparked. Suddenly melting, he struck back verbally.

"Don't, Swan. Just don't." His expression was positively icy, glacial, his voice cold and hard edged. I was chilled to the bone. "Don't stand there and act like you didn't just fuck James."

_Guilty as charged._ That took the rancor right out of me... _almost._ "What business is it of yours who I fuck? Did you fuck her?"

"What business is it of yours who sucks my dick or who I fuck?" He countered.

"It's not! Are you happy? But it is my business when one of my best friends betrays me and sells me out to that stupid fucking tramp."

"So I can't fuck her because the two of you have some kind of showdown going on? I was fucking her before you got here and I don't need your permission to fuck her now. In fact, I think I'll go call her up and see what she's up to, see if maybe she wants to get together." I gave him a withering, hate-filled look that he matched before one-upping me.

"Who are you going to fuck next, Swan? Hmmm? What about Mike or somebody else equally as vile? Maybe you could do him and James at the same time, save yourself some time, or maybe James and Laurent? I know they like to share. Where you guys gonna do it at, the back of your truck? Or what about that hourly rate motel off the highway? I wonder if they give a discount for repeat business."

I slapped him again, raking my nails across his face as I did and then I stormed out of the meadow. I thought I was home free when I didn't hear him following. I was nearly back to the juncture where the meadow path met with the shorter path when I heard him crashing towards me. I thought about running but knew it wouldn't help… _as if I could outrun him. _I looked around wildly, trying to find someplace that I could seek refuge until the raging bull passed, but I misjudged how close he was.

"I wasn't done talking to you," he hissed trying to keep his voice down and not attract any attention since we were so close to the house.

I kept walking. "Well I'm done talking to you, Cullen." The path to the yard was only a few steps further._ Thank God!_

He grabbed me again and spun me around just as I stepped out onto the path that was my deliverance from him and to the safety of the backyard and house. Surely our fight would be over now that there was the possibility that we could be overheard?

"No, Bella, I am not letting you walk away from this. And quit fucking calling me Cullen." He was terrifyingly glorious in his fury.

So much so, that I actually found myself becoming aroused rather than scared, as I rightfully should have been, by the murderously angry, god-like man stalking me through the woods, but I couldn't bring myself to be fear him. Call it blind faith, call it stupidity, call it what you will, I just knew he would never hurt me… physically. I was quite sure that he would be the death of me emotionally, but I didn't know if I had it in me to continue to deny how badly I wanted him, and after the past few days I was all but certain that he wanted me too, even if only physically, wherein lay my problem.

I wanted all of him—his body, his heart and his soul, however trite that sounds—yet, even knowing that he would never feel how I felt, that I would never be more to him than an easy fuck, a roll in the hay and good time, I was thinking about taking what I could get--the consequences and my fragile heart be damned. I was already in constant turmoil and torn up enough by the situation that I might as well have the benefits that went with it. Which is why, when he grabbed my wrist, pulled me off the path, and trapped me between himself and the giant cedar, I went willingly.

I don't know how I found the strength to say it, it was the last thing I wanted to happen, but still the words came out. "Edward, what are you doing? No… We can't."

…_who's got their claws in you my friend…?  
_

He looked at me dead-on with a passion in his eyes that rivaled my own, and under his gaze, I froze and melted all at the same time. "I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore, Bella," he choked out, his voice full of emotion and his face tormented, contorted, with pain and self loathing.

…_into your heart I'll beat again…  
_

"Then don't," I whispered, tears evident in my both my eyes and my voice.

…_lost__ for you, I'm so lost for you…_

We stood there locked in that moment. Neither of us moved as we stared into each other's eyes asking questions, looking for answers, but both of us knowing that neither of us had the ability to fight it any longer. How we had managed to resist it as long as we had, I'll never know. My blood called to him and his to me.

…_touch your lips just so I know…  
_

His face was smooth, all signs of his internal conflict and despair gone as the wall damming up our mutual desire and lust burst, and then we were drowning and tumbling together. His lips met my lips, my lips met his and I knew heaven and hell and was lost and found all at the same time. It was perfect, it felt right, but more importantly, it felt like home… _Edward had always felt like home to me._

…_in your eyes, love, it glows so…_

I didn't know what this meant for us or what repercussions we might have to face, but I couldn't have cared less. I pushed it all aside, like the world class avoider I was, to be dealt with later. I wasn't going to let thoughts like that permeate the bubble of the only perfect happiness I had ever known at that point in my young life. For once, I wanted to be entirely reckless and selfish and just live in the moment, because it might have been the only moment I would ever get from him.

All the months of our acquaintance, of our odd friendship with its casual flirting disguised as good-natured ribbing, and the raw electric desire that had pulsed between us since the night we met served as foreplay; we had neither the time nor the patience just then, nor was it the time or the place. Our friends/family, as the case may be, weren't far away and we could have been caught at any moment.

…_I'm bare-boned and crazy for you…_

I could tell by his needy, devouring kisses and rough touches that this wouldn't be gentle, but neither would it be the brutal joining I had known with James; this would be a tempest, a tumultuous orgy of our desires and needs. I matched him kiss for kiss, want for want, need for need as I clawed his back through the thick material of his flannel letting him know that it was okay, we could be gentle another time… _if we were granted that, and if not then I should enjoy the hell out of this time._

…_and if I've gone overboard…_

His lips and tongue battled with mine while his hands roamed my body as if he had no control over them, stoking the fire I felt for him. Earlier, when I had been shaking from the cold while we screamed at each other in our meadow, I had cursed my decision to wear a denim skirt, but now with him able to easily touch me, I was grateful at my fortuitousness.

His mouth left mine and began kissing his way along my jaw to the hollow below my ear. My head fell back, hitting the tree, allowing him more access to my neck. He eagerly took advantage of it, biting and licking and sucking his way up and down the column of my neck. In one smooth motion he roughly shoved my panties aside and thrust two of his long, lithe, musician's fingers inside of me. I fought to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head, I wanted to watch him. I was panting, and biting my lower lip to keep from crying out.

…_then I'm begging you to forgive me in my haste…_

His mouth moved back up to my ear, capturing the lobe between his lips as his knees buckled slightly and his head collapsed into the side of mine. His breathing grew more ragged as he lazily nibbled on my ear and he let out a half strangled moan causing me to drench his hand with my arousal. I was so fucking close.

…_when I'm holding you so girl, close to me…_

"Fuck!" He gasped roughly. "Oh, God! You are so fucking wet for me, Bella. I have to taste you… I n-need you, ahhh… need you to come in my mouth, p-p-p-please?" He begged.

…_hike up your skirt a little more, and show the world to me…_

I almost came from his words alone, but managing to hold out, I answered him with a low, breathy moan, "Y-yes. Oh, God please!"

…_hike up your skirt a little more, and show your world to me…  
_

He wasted no time in dropping to his knees, peeling my panties down my legs as he went, and then he helped me step out of them. Shoving them in his pocket, he slid my skirt up until it was bunched around my waist.

…_and I stare at you…  
_

He looked at me with lust darkened eyes and placed one of my legs over his shoulder before shifting his eyes down to take me in. He paused for a long moment letting his eyes get their fill of my wet sex before uttering another 'fuck'. Pulling his dripping fingers from me, he took one last languorous look and then dove in tongue first.

_…you wear nothing, but you wear it so well…  
_

No one had ever looked at me like that, but I felt none of the embarrassment that I would have expected myself to feel; his gaze was reverent… _and anyway, I was too turned on._ I was sooooo fucking close. My legs were shaking and I fought to keep my eyes open, not wanting to miss a minute of this.

…_come crash into me, yeah…_

Edward had one hand splayed across my ass keeping me pressed against his mouth while his other hand tried to keep me upright. Realizing that I could no longer support myself, he grabbed my other leg and threw it over his shoulder so that I was essentially riding his face. My back was pressed against the cedar and I could feel the rough bark against my bare ass, but couldn't bring myself to care. The brief worry of spiders crossed my mind, but his tongue reached up to diddle my clitoris and all thoughts of spiders were dismissed.

_…please crash into me...  
_

Needing something to keep me grounded as I began to come apart, my hands flew to his head and tangled in his hair. I was panting and gasping, trying desperately to keep myself quiet as he worked me steadily with his mouth, switching between roughly fucking me with his tongue… _OMG, that tongue…_ to sucking harshly on my throbbing clit. He pulled away for just a moment, hardly missing a beat.

_…for you, for me, come crash into me, baby…_

"Let go, Bella. Let me taste you, Love. Come in my mouth," he moaned before driving his tongue into the depths of my quivering quim and then opening his jaw as wide as it would go… _did the damn thing come unhinged…_ he let his teeth scrape across my nub lightly and… I shattered into a million pieces as the most intense orgasm I had ever felt wracked my body, wave after wave of the greatest pleasure anyone had ever known washed over me. I nearly toppled over, but was saved by his quick mouth and even quicker hands.

…_yes, I see the waves come and crash into me…_

My walls clenched down on his tongue as I flooded his mouth and he greedily drank up every drop, moaning out his pleasure. I don't know how he stood so quickly or when he had time to free himself from his jeans, but he did and before I could come down entirely from my orgasm, he had me impaled on his huge, swollen cock. Huge doesn't do him justice; the thing was simply enormous- long and thick and hard_…_ _hard as steel and still getting harder... _

He slipped inside of me easily, plunging all the way in until he was fully ensconced inside my hot slickness. Bottomed out, the tip of him nudging my cervix, he didn't move as he groaned and fought for control. "Oh fuck, Bella. Unhhh… J-just give me a minute… ung… sooooo fucking tight. Ahhhh, son of a bitch… fuck, you feel sooooo good."

His glazed eyes focused on me briefly and then, gazing at my lip, glazed over again. "You're bleeding," he said and leaned forward to lick my bottom lip. Trying to keep quiet as I came I had bitten down on my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. I flicked my tongue out and gingerly touched it to my wound, not at all disgusted by the metallic taste of my blood. I groaned as I tasted a hint of myself that he had just left behind on my lip and when I looked up I could see my juices still glistening on his lips.

I pulled him to me and ran my tongue over his lips, licking every dewdrop of my sweetness off of him and then I sucked his plump bottom lip into my mouth. I nibbled and sucked on it before plunging my tongue into his mouth, gasping as I felt him twitch inside of me and my walls fluttered in response. Edward eagerly kissed me back as he wrapped my legs around his waist. He forcibly removed my hands from his hair and then, gripping both of my wrists in one hand, he pinned them to the tree high above my head… _much like he had done in my dream, the first dream I had ever had of him. _

Breaking our kiss and pressing his hips harder against mine, he growled out, "Isabella you have no idea how fuckhot that was. I have never seen anything sexier. Oh, God! What are you doing to me? You are going to drive me mad. I have wanted you since the second I saw you and now that I've had you, I don't think I can live without you." I was lost, void, and completely unable to form coherent sentences, so I just moaned and panted as my eyes rolled back into my head, my head falling back against the tree. _I needed him to move!_

His hand moved from my hip to clutch my chin and he angled it so that he could see my face. "No, Isabella! Look at me, Love. I want to see you; I want you to see what you do to me."

I complied, but it was a struggle. He shoved my unzipped jacket to the side and then pushed my shirt and bra up my chest exposing my breasts. I should have been shivering as I was practically nude outside in January, but as his eyes raked over my exposed flesh, I thought I would combust. He kissed my lips once more before lowering his head to worship my breasts, and he still didn't move inside of me as he nipped and licked and teased my nipples.

"Edward," I rasped out. "Please, please move. I need to feel you," I begged pressing my hips against him as much as I could.

He moaned and began to pump himself slowly in and out of me in a motion as timeless as the swaying seas. Pulling nearly all the way out, and then sliding all the way back into my depths, his thick cock touched me in places I didn't even know I had. My focus, already intent on what was conspiring between us, narrowed even further until I could feel nothing except him moving inside of me, and every point of contact between us felt like a live wire.

His lips gentled and he left my breasts to kiss me softly and sweetly while staring into my eyes. Our animalistic grunts and groans gentled with our kisses until our lips were barely moving against each other. This was so much more than a quick fuck against a tree, and the thought scared me, but our need built and built and soon it wasn't enough.

"More, Edward. Ohhhh, ohhhh, God! I need more. Please harder… unhhhh… faster," I panted into his mouth.

Edward moaned my name, "Bellll-laaa!", and began to speed up his thrusts. His hand tightened further around my wrists and he stretched my arms higher above my head, stringing me tight before him.

As his thrusts increased in tempo, they became more forceful until we were both grunting as he filled me. His pelvis rubbed my little nub each time he penetrated me and I knew I wasn't going to last much longer.

"I-I can't… Oh, fuck! So c-close. Ung. Yes! Oh, God."

"Come, Bella. Gah! Come on my dick, Love. I want to hear you scream my name. Ungh, uh, yes!" He grunted as the blunt tip of his hardness battered my cervix from the force of his thrusts.

My body tightened until it was so taut it was almost painful. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, my body was flooded with absolute bliss.

"Ed-ward!" I gasped out.

"Uhh, yesssss!" He hissed. "That's it, Bella! Ungh, ungh!"

He thrust roughly into me once, twice, three, four more times and then buried himself inside of me as he released in three long bursts, causing my orgasm to intensify and nearly double in its length.

"Bella!" He cried out, my mouth muffling it.

Pleasure overtook us and we lost and swept away by it together. Our eyes were barely slits from the intensity, but we never broke contact. If I had thought my earlier orgasm from his mouth was intense, then this was insane. We were lost in something more powerful than either of us had ever experienced, and it left us breathless and grasping at each other for long delicious minutes as we rode the waves down.

When we were almost back to normal, as normal as we could be after something like that, Edward kissed me reverentially and then whispered my name as he nuzzled my ear. I sighed in contentment completely spent.

"We need to talk," he said still not separating our bodies and not looking at me either.

I nodded, but as he opened his mouth to speak we heard Alice and Jasper enter the trail using the entrance opposite us. He handed me my panties as we scrambled to adjust and smooth our clothing, and then rushed down the path. With each step we took down the path towards the house, I withdrew a little more. I didn't want to be hurt by this, didn't want him to think I expected anything. We couldn't be together anyway. Edward saw me pulling away and wouldn't allow it. Right before we stepped out of the trees, he pulled me to him and kissed me with the fiery passion that had been present throughout our… lovemaking… fucking… throughout whatever had just happened between us and simply said, "Don't."

I nodded and he continued talking quickly, "I don't know when we will be able to talk about this, but we need to discuss this."

_As if I could deny him anything_. I nodded again and he kissed me one final time before pulling me behind him, into the yard. We were both grateful that no one was around to see us as we stumbled out of the woods, cheeks flushed and disheveled. Edward had scratches on his cheek and a bite mark on his neck. My bottom lip was still oozing blood some and I could feel that the hair at the back of my head was a tangled, matted mess where it had rubbed against the tree.

Anyone who would have seen us would have thought we had just thoroughly and savagely ravaged each other, and they would have been right on the money. The heat had worn off and by the time we made it to the house I was freezing and shivering again.

"Why don't you go take a shower, Bella." It wasn't a question. "You need to warm up and it'll give you some time to compose yourself. If Alice sees you right now, she'll know exactly what happened and then we'll both be dead. Come on. I'll walk you up."

He led me through the house and up the stairs swiftly… _not wanting to be caught with the evidence_. I didn't want Alice to find out either, but the way Edward was acting made me feel dirty and used; like a whore. However, the thoughts slipped from my mind when he deposited me outside the door to my room, glanced around, pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine softly. He sucked my bottom lip sweetly into his mouth and I felt his tongue once again flick the bite on my lip. He pulled back, releasing my lip, and then pressed several soft kisses across my lips before he released me. I looked up at him and his eyes were gentle… _almost loving?_

~//~

I took forever in the shower, just standing there, letting the scorching hot water cascade over my body as images of everything that had happened, everything I stood to lose and everything that I wanted tumbled though my head until they were a jumbled mess. I thought back to a conversation Alice and I had not long after school started.

**Four and a half months prior**

"_So how come Rosalie dating Emmett has never bothered you? Why is Edward so different?" She knew what I was hinting at, but she didn't let on._

"_Well, for one, Emmett has always been a monogamous, relationship kind of guy, and for another, Rose never feigned any interest in me whatsoever, she went straight for Emmett."_

"_But I thought you said Jasper introduced and you became friends…"_

"_Jasper did introduce us and Rose said, 'Nice to meet you. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go talk to that monkey man over there,' and walked off. Rose and I didn't actually become friends until later. Plus, I was kind of dating her brother." _

"_Has Edward ever dated a friend of yours?"_

"_No." Alice didn't like talking about Edward. Getting details out of her felt like pulling teeth._

"_How come?"_

"_Well, for starters, every girl in the school pretty much used me when we started here. Secondly, I didn't want to risk losing any of the friends that I did finally and tentatively make when Ed broke their hearts. Edward doesn't date. He's always been a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy."_

"_Why does Rose seem to dislike him so much? Was she ever attracted to him?"_

_Alice laughed. "From the moment she saw him, Rose only had eyes for Emmett, but you know Rose… She was offended that Ed never wanted her or showed a lick of interest in her." _

~//~

It was still all sixes and sevens, nothing made sense, but as the water cooled, a few certainties became evident.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was off limits to me and could never be mine. Second, I desired him like I had never desired anyone in my life and there was a part of him, but I didn't know how dominate that part might be, that thirsted just as much for me too. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him… and I was willing to take whatever I could get of him.

I guess there was a fourth thing as well; I knew instinctively that all of this would only end in tears--specifically _my_ tears.

~//~

**Songs In Order of Appearance:**

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd  
The Debbie Downer Theme Song from SNL  
If Looks Could Kill by Heart  
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia  
Never Is a Promise by Fiona Apple  
Crash by The Dave Mathews Band  
Hard As Steel by George Clinton and The P-Funk All-Stars

**A/N: **EPOV is up next. Thanks for reading, BB's.

**Rec's for the week:**

Son of a Preacher Man by LaViePastiche  
Picture Windows by Nerac  
Dead Confederates by Goldenmeadow


	10. Chapter 9 Freshmen

**Disclaimer: **S. Meyer owns all recognizable characters, plots, etc. Only original content, characters, etc. belongs to author. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N:** So this is the very first EPOV chap, and there will be two more…for now…before we get back to BPOV.

Thanks to V, my beta, for talking me down from several cliffs, and through a bunch of roadblocks with this chapter. I seriously doubt I could have gotten through it without her and I know I wouldn't have posted. I am terrified that this chapter will suck.

Thanks to all the usual suspects and all of you people for reading, reviewing and adding BH to your faves and/or alerts.

**Usual Pairings, AH/AU, probably OOC, Mature**

**

* * *

Chapter 9- Freshmen

* * *

**

When I was young I knew everything,  
and she a punk who rarely ever took advice.  
Now I'm guilt stricken,  
sobbing with my head on the floor,  
stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice.

I can't be held responsible,  
'cause she was touching her face.  
I won't be held responsible;  
she fell in love in the first place.

For the life of me I cannot remember  
what made us think that we were wise  
and we'd never compromise.  
For the life of me I cannot believe  
we'd ever die for these sins  
we were merely freshmen…

…We've tried to wash our hands of all of this.  
We never talk of our lacking relationships,  
and how we're guilt stricken sobbing  
with our heads on the floor.  
We fell through the ice  
when we tried not to slip…

- _Freshmen_, The Verve Pipe

~//~

**Five Years Earlier**

I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and, while looking for a decent parking spot, noticed Alice's car. _Great. _With any luck though, I wouldn't run into her. The last thing I wanted to deal with at that moment was her catching me buying condoms. It wasn't that I was embarrassed to be caught by her, I wasn't… _believe you me, I had nothing to be ashamed of…_ she just didn't exactly approve of my sex life and would more than likely chew my ass out the whole time, and I didn't have time for that shit. I had someone waiting. _Ashley._

Judging from the clouds… _and the fact that this was Forks_… I was fairly certain that it was going to rain soon. Because I didn't have a coat, I was driving around trying to find a parking spot as close to the front of the store as possible. I saw an open spot between a giant hunk of rust that was trying to pass itself off as a truck and a soccer mom van. It would be a tight fit and I wouldn't ordinarily risk damage from someone's door hitting my baby, but I was in a hurry.

As I made my way past the front of the store on my way to the open spot, I saw Alice just inside the doors playing with an older cell phone--not hers I knew-- and talking to some brunette girl I didn't think I had ever seen before. As I parked I ran through a list of girls in our school that matched the unknown girl's description (what little of her I actually saw), but could not think of any.

I waited for Alice to leave the store, then squeezed out and ran inside. I hated making this purchase inside of Forks, but I had no choice. I had a girl primed and waiting for me and was therefore in a hurry. It irritated me that girls acted like the guy was the only one who should be responsible for getting condoms, just not enough to keep me from getting laid.

I made sure to use the door opposite the one the brunette was walking out of as I walked in. I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want her to see me. Despite the fuckload of cars in the parking lot, I only noticed a couple of other customers inside and smiled thinking that things seemed to be going my way. _But why the fuck was it, that a store could have thirty cars in the parking lot and only two people in the store? It was like the equivalent of the vortex in the dryer that randomly sucks up socks. _

Seriously? I was at the store thinking about socks while a hot chick was laying spread eagle across her bed waiting for me to return? _Get it together, Cullen. _Priorities. Right. I was just about to the aisle I needed when the skies opened up, dumping what sounded like torrents of rain onto the roof, and I suddenly found myself thinking about the pale brunette girl my sister had been speaking. She had only been wearing a thin cotton hoodie, she was going to be soaked unless she had a raincoat in her car.

_Where the fuck did that come from and why the fuck do you care?_ Just making an observation. _You've got pussy waiting, Cullen. _Right. Pussy. Keep your eyes on the pussy.

I found the box I was looking for—extra large… _commonly referred to as 'magnums'…_ and ribbed for mutual pleasure—and made my way to the only available checkout stand at the front of the store. I kept my head down… _no eye contact… _hoping that feigning embarrassment will help to hurry my transaction along, but no such luck. I was starting to get a bit agitated. It was one lousy box of condoms, for fuck's sake, what was the hold-up? I was trying to stay calm, but I was sexually frustrated, had a naked girl waiting on me and… she just needed to hurry the fuck up!

_Easy there, Killer. Deep breaths. You'll catch more flies with honey than with one of your pissy temper tantrums._ _Just sayin'._

Right.

I looked up to see what the hold-up was and caught her looking back and forth between the box and the noticeable bulge in my pants. _Really? _I quickly gave her once over. She wasn't anything special-- 5'6", a little mousy and plain with straight, dirty blond, almost brown hair, and dull hazel eyes—but she had a tight little body and lips I wouldn't mind seeing wrapped around my cock.

I could feel myself--already semi-erect from Ashley's earlier ministrations--grow harder at the image of the clerk's pink lips sucking me off, and I couldn't resist playing with her a bit. I hooked my thumbs in my front pockets, pasted that cocky smirk on my face… _the one that the girls seemed to love, my 'panty-dropping smirk', I had once heard it described as, which actually made me smirk just from thinking about it being called that…_ and rocked back on my heels, causing my pelvis to jut out.

I watched carefully as her breath hitched and her tongue unconsciously darted out of her mouth to slowly sweep across her bottom lip. Leaning forward, I purposely made my tone a little lower than normal and said in a slightly husky voice, "How much did you say it came to, Miss?"

Without bothering to wait for her answer, I handed her my Am/Ex. She didn't say a word as she took the card and blindly ran it through the machine, looking at my rod and reel the entire time. Deciding to up the ante while we waited for the receipt to print, I suggestively rocked back and forth on my heels, as she continued to ogle me. She handed me a copy to sign and busied herself with something on her side of the counter while she waited for me to finish.

…_if you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know…  
_

I handed it back to her, she slipped it into the till with the other credit card receipts and then handed me my copy along with another slip of paper. When she placed them into my outstretched hand, I felt her just barely graze my palm with her fingers, saw her eyes dilate, and her breathing speed up noticeably.

…_if you really need m\e, just reach out and touch me, come on honey tell me so…_

I could hear the lust in her voice as she shyly smiled and said, "Have a great day, Mr. Cullen. It was a… _pleasure_ to assist you today and I hope to help you again in the future."

_See, like I said, you catch more flies with honey._

I flashed a smile at her as I grabbed the discreet brown bag she held out to me. "Maybe I'll see ya again. I'm sure I'll be needing… _something_ in the near future."

Bumping the check writing platform with my fist I said, "Have a great day," then strolled towards the exit. I looked back over my shoulder and… yep, she was watchin'. _I have got to go to the grocery store more often._ I let my eyes travel up her body, what I could see of it at least, lingering on the parts I liked best. When I reached her eyes I gave her a wink, she blushed, and I walked out the door. _Yup. Definitely gonna have to go to the grocery store more often._

I was almost back to my car when I noticed that the little brunette my sister had been talking to was getting into the red monstrosity I was parked beside. _She owns that thing? Ugh!_ I had just made it to my car and was about to squeeze through the narrow space between our vehicles when I caught a glimpse of her reflection as she looked at herself in her rearview mirror. She was a sopping wet mess, with strands of hair stuck to her face and water dripping off her nose. I almost laughed, but I didn't want to be caught staring, especially since I had a feeling that I was part of the reason she was in the state she was in… _by 'part of' I of course mean totally to blame._

It couldn't have been easy loading her groceries into the cab of her truck with so little room to maneuver. I was shocked to find that I felt… bad? And slightly ashamed by my lack of consideration for others? Normally my overinflated and undeserved sense of entitlement would have prevented me from feeling anything; I would have sneered at the scene before me, my only conscious thought 'Watch the car.' I wasn't sure what about her was making me act so out of character so I took a closer look her at her.

Her pale, almost translucent skin was flawless. She had full lips with the bottom one being somewhat plumper; pillowy. Her nose was straight and the way it turned up at the end just a bit made it fit her face perfectly, it was… cute? _WTF, Cullen? Since when do you think anything about a girl is cute?_ Cute is never good; it's the kiss of death. Puppies are cute, bunnies are cute. I am not attracted to cute. I go for smokin' hot, sultry, and slightly slutty, with legs for days, none of which were features that she seemed to possess.

Sure, I thought she was rather pretty in a delicate kind of way, but she was hardly tempting… until I saw her eyes. Good Lord her eyes… her eyes took her from pretty all the way up to gorgeous, beautiful. She was better than sexy and definitely not slutty… _and this was a good thing?_ She had deep brown pools of chocolate for eyes, vast and bottomless. She had the kind of eyes poets existed for. _Waxing poetic about a girls eyes. Your balls fall off, Cullen? _

I snapped out of it when she started to yell. "Fucking rain, fucking Forks and stupid fucking shiny, silver Volvo drivers!"

A smile broke across my face. Her display of kitten-like fury as she pounded on her steering wheel was endearing and her words just made me chuckle. Gone was my previous urgency to get back to the piece of ass I had primed and waiting for me. I actually completely forgot about the existence of Ashlyn or Ashley… whatever the fuck her name was.

I stood there staring at the girl as she sat with her shoulders slumped in defeat for who knows how long. Eventually I noticed her shoulders trembling like she was crying and I had to fight the urge to rush to her and take her in my arms. When I realized she was shivering, I chastised myself for being the cause of it. I was so busy berating myself that I almost didn't realize she was backing out of her parking space. Now I could have just stepped out of the way and stood there, let her get a good look at me.

I could have, but I didn't. Instead I jumped out of the way, panicked, and hid beside my passenger's side door. Just in case I saw her in the future… _and I really hoped I saw her in the future…_ I didn't want her to know I was the stupid driver of the shiny, silver Volvo.

I waited until I could no longer hear her truck before I came out from behind my car and then I stared in the direction she had gone for a moment. A buzzing in my pocket brought me back to reality. _It's your cell phone, you fucking cock sucking, pansy ass chump._ What. The. Fuck. Had just happened? Not wanting to know or even consider the possibilities of what had just transpired, I pulled my phone out and read the text.

_Win u cummin back 2 finish what u started?_

Ashley. _Now you can remember her name? _I smiled thinking about her—long smooth legs, a firm ass, lips that were born to suck cock, and a pussy that I was dying to sink my dick into. But… no glove, no love. The one and only time I listened to a girl say that she was clean, I got a case of the clap… _especially not when you have no choice but to explain to your father what's wrong because he is your doctor…_ and that became the motto, maxim, I swore by. Never trust a girl that's in heat, 'cause bitches lie when they want to be fucked.

Back to my usual self, I sent a reply—

_**Now.**_

—hopped into my car with my little brown sack and headed off to tangle with Ashley Hansen.

~//~

Hoping to find Grimace there, I went straight home after I finished with Ashley… _or rather, after Ashley finished. I was still unsatisfied_. She had come like a fucking banshee, screaming out my name until she was hoarse but every time I was close those fucking guileless brown eyes would appear before me and I just couldn't come. My balls hurt and had turned a previously undiscovered shade of blue, but it wasn't all bad news. After that performance of Sexterpiece Theater, I was certain that my status in the annals of Forks history… _and quite possibly Pacific Northwest history_… was going to move up from fuck god extraordinaire to legendary cockstar.

That was well and good, and any other day I would be strutting around like I was the cock of the walk, but at that moment I had things on my mind. To be perfectly honest, I was incredibly unsettled by the girl and I didn't like it. I was pissed off at myself and pissed off at the unknown wench my sister had been chatting with at the grocery store for being the cause of it all. I tried to convince myself that it was just the prospect of new tail in a town—a place where I had, as of that day, already had at least one taste of every decent piece--that had my equilibrium all thrown off, but I think deep inside I knew from the beginning that it was more than that… I just couldn't… _and wouldn't…_ admit it to myself.

What I needed was to find out who in the fuck that girl was and, if anyone was going to know, it would be my twin, Curious Alice… _she taught Nosy Nancy's how to snoop. _ Trust, if Alice talked to the girl for more than two minutes… _which, Alice being Alice, she was almost guaranteed to have done_… she would have all the details on her. _She was better than a private detective. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew who really shot Kennedy and whether the chicken or the egg came first._

My evil twin wasn't home when I got there and I had neither the patience nor the focus to sit still and pretend to be interested in a book or television. Needing to distract myself, I went upstairs to the music room next to my bedroom and played my piano. Moving my hands over the keys as I worked through my warm-up scales soothed my frayed nerves some. Once I was warmed up, I played the soft, tranquil lullabies of Brahms and Debussy and felt myself relax even more. I was grateful to be able to lose myself in the keys for just a little while, but all too soon her brown eyes, pale skin and the delicate pink flush that covered her skin when she was angry filled my mind once again and my music grew stormy.

"Looks like someone is in a mood today."

My hands jerked in surprise and the turbulent notes of the piece I was playing were ended in dissonance. _Malice_. My irritation at being interrupted from both my playing and my thoughts caused me to momentarily forget that I had actually been looking for Alice so that I could finagle out of her whatever information she had about the girl.

"What do you want, Alice?" I growled.

"Temper, temper, brother dear," Alice tsked at me. "I just came to see what you were doing."

The pixie was up to something. I was sure of it. What I didn't know was what, but I remembered that I wanted something from her and was hoping I would be able to use whatever she was trying to get in my favor.

"Bullshit, Alice. You knew exactly what I was doing…" she actually had the nerve to look at me with big, innocent eyes "…it was kind of obvious, after all. Now what do you want?"

"I need to borrow your car tom..."

"No."

"You didn't let me finish!" She whined with an odd look in her eye… _a look I did not trust._ I didn't speak so she carried on. "I'm going to Port Angeles with Bella tomorrow to do a little shopping and your car has more trunk room than mine."

_Bella? Who the fuck was Bella? _The doe-eyed girl perhaps? _Doe-eyed? Dude, seriously, yer balls fall off or get sucked up into your body? _ I subconsciously adjusted my wedding tackle… _just making sure it was still there_.

"Who the fuck is Bella?" I asked, the words slipping out before I realized that she had been baiting me and I had played right into her hand. Alice smiled.

"A friend."

"Who was the girl that you were talking to at the store today?" _Fuck._ Once again, the words just slipped out. Alice smiled and I got the distinct impression that this is exactly what she wanted. _My witch of a sister somehow knew I was at the store today. _

"Loan me your car tomorrow and I will tell you." _Well played, little sister. Very well played_.

"Fine." _Psych._ "Now spill."

"Keys first, then I'll talk." _Checkmate._ I should have seen it coming, but Alice was always difficult to read.

"No."

"Fine. I'll be in my room if you change your mine," she said, turning and heading to the door. _Oh, hells no_! I was not going to chase after her for the information… _I don't play that_… but somehow the tables had been flipped on me. I wasn't sure when, but I knew that I didn't like it.

"My keys are in my room," I said, giving in before she could reach the door. _At least she had the decency to not gloat_, I thought wryly to myself as I got up from my piano bench and headed out the door. To my room.

~//~

_Beep… beep… beeeeep!_

The vociferous honking of the car behind me woke me up. _Apparently the honker really wanted to drive through this intersection on this green light._ Shifting into first, I motored my way through the intersection grateful that I was nearly home. It was a little after three in the morning and I was just ending my shift… _an hour later than scheduled_. I had originally planned to drive straight from work to my parents, but I knew that there was no way in hell I would manage the four plus hours to Forks without falling asleep at the wheel. I was going to catch a couple hours of shuteye at my apartment before I hit the road.

I should have already fucking been in Forks! At this very moment I should have been laying in my bed in the room I grew up in, pleasantly intoxicated… _with Bella, if things went well._ I snorted. _Fat chance of that happening. _

"Erghhhhh…" I groaned in frustration and scrubbed my hand over my face trying to keep myself awake while I sat at another stoplight.

I had requested Thursday through Sunday off and really wanted to say no when Jane called to see if I would cover Paul's graveyard shift, but she made out the schedule and it was best to stay on her good side. My sister was going to be pissed, but I was used to being on her bad side. Besides, she'd get over it… eventually. I was more concerned about what Bella was going to think when I didn't show up, considering the last time I had seen her… _at a random bar, two months, five hours and thirty four minutes ago…_ we hadn't exactly parted on the best terms. To be honest, I was huge a dick.

_Bella, fuck._ I had been trying not to think about her, but she haunted me, stalked my every move, her ghost was my constant companion. It was before sleep came to me that it was the worst. I tried to make sure that I fell into bed exhausted each night with the hope that I would fall straight to sleep, but every night no matter how tired I was, sleep eluded me and she consumed my thoughts. Tonight was no exception.

I should have called or apologized or ended things or done something… _maybe not have been such a dick to begin with…_ but because I was a grade-A douche, I didn't. I had been fucking things up with that girl for far too long. I needed to let her go, needed to let her get on with her life… but I just couldn't seem to do it no matter how hard I tried.

…_push me, pull me, push me, or pull me out; push me, pull me, or pull me out… _

I've always known that she deserved someone better than me, but I am essentially a selfish creature; every time I try to push her away, I end up pulling her right back to me. I need her to run away from me like her instincts should have been telling her to do from the very beginning, but I know she won't… _she has no sense of self-preservation. _I know I don't have the strength to walk away, I never had.

From the moment I saw the bumbling, delicate klutz of a girl, she had me completely mixed up, cuntfuzzled, and tied in knots. Everything about her invited me in—her voice, her face, her smell-- and then there was the unexplainable energy that buzzed between us. It was like an electrical circuit was formed any time she was anywhere near me. Before I knew her name or eye color or anything about her, from the first glance I ever had of her… she owned me. I was hers.

She was like fresh air and water and food to me. She was a delicate breeze that blew into my life and I yearned to contain her, harness her, and make her every bit as much mine as I was hers. She was unlike any girl I had ever known… _and I had known quite a few, trust._ She was a mystery, a riddle, a paradox. She was the Madonna and the Whore, innocent yet experienced, pure yet sullied, she was everything that I never knew I ever wanted and could never have.

At times, I have hated/do hate her for making me want her so much. I should have stayed away from her. Our arrangement should never have started, I should never have agreed to it and it most definitely shouldn't have gone on this long. Five fucking years… _depending on when you think it started_… we had been playing this game. What were we thinking? _Well, I know what I was thinking, that I could just fuck her right out of my system._ We were both so naïve, so stupid to believe that we would ever get out of this alive.

If I had been honest with myself, owned up to my feelings, we might have prevented all of this, but we were too many hands in, with too few chips on the table. At this point this could only end one way… badly. Alice knew… _Alice always knew… _this is the reason she told me to stay away from her in the first place. Okay, _this _is not _the_ reason, she couldn't have guessed that it would take five years to play out, but she did know it would only end in tears.

I finally fell asleep and when I dreamt it was of Bella.

~//~

Alice told me everything she knew about the girl, which turned out to be precious little… _definitely not enough to warrant her borrowing my car…_ but some of it was actually useful. One thing really-- she was the daughter of the town's esteemed police chief… who was not exactly my biggest fan. _Son of a bitch. _Aside from my fairly frequent speeding tickets, I hadn't ever been in any real trouble… just lots of innuendo and town gossip… _most of it true, not that they could prove it._

As useful as Alice's information was for letting me know the roadblocks that would be in my way if I tried to nail the girl… _you know you're going to try to tap that…_ it wasn't at all useful in helping me sort out how I felt about the girl… _or rather, the feelings that she had caused me to feel_. In my opinion she hadn't earned the use of my car for her little shopping excursion… but she would likely find out more about her as they talked and shopped… _assuming that's what girls do while shopping._ Then again Alice yapped enough for two people, I wasn't sure the girl would be able to get a word in edgewise.

However, she was the biggest gossipmonger out there. I was going to have to count on that thirst to keep her trap shut so that the girl could talk. I was willing to do whatever was necessary to get the inconsequential little girl out of my head…_ and out of whatever bed or wherever I happened to be fucking. _If that meant loaning her my car in order to get any information that might help me, then that was what I would do.

"I better not see a single Goddamn scratch on my baby when you bring her back… or there will be hell to pay."

"Oh, lighten up Eddie. I can't believe you are still all worked up about that, it was barely even a scratch. Besides, you know that I wouldn't even ask you if it I had the trunk space. "

I ignored her first comment because, one- I didn't actually blame her for the scratch, and two- I knew that she was just trying to rile me up; that's what Alice did. She was still working through some resentment towards me and had never gotten over the fact that I was to blame for us having to leave all of our friends behind in Alaska and move to Forks where she had no one. However, the second comment I didn't ignore because as much shit she could lay at my feet, some things she brought on herself.

"You can hardly blame me for the fact that you have no trunk space, Alice. You could have bought a more reasonable car with trunk space and still had something flashy."

"Whatever, Eddie. You know that the car was a damn good deal. I would never have found another used one in that kind of condition at that price. I would have been a fool to turn it down. Plus, I have always wanted a Porsche"

I was tired of dealing with my sister and her trivialities.

"You have what you came in here for. If you don't mind, I'm going to bed now. Just bring me my keys when you get back tomorrow and don't trash my car."

"Whatever you say, brother dear." Alice gave me a big smile… _I hope I don't look that unattractive when I gloat… _and left my room without another word… _first time ever._

~//~

It was close to ten o'clock at night.

Alice still wasn't home with my car and I was cursing myself for not remembering to set a time stipulation. I was stuck at home until she returned my car because I wasn't going through a midlife crisis. No way in hell was I going to be caught dead driving around town in her bright yellow 'I'm compensating for having a really small dick' car. I wanted my silver 'of course you can trust me with your daughter, I'm safe and dependable' car back. I had specifically chosen a Volvo because it was all those things—safe, reliable, not too flashy—but it was also fast, handled well and it was discreet.

The Porsche was a lot of fun to speed along on the curvy, windy roads so long as they were dry, but it wasn't practical and it was too flashy to allow me to get away with… what I got away with. _Deflowering the town's virgins was really a public service; I should be considered a civil servant._ The only other option I even considered was a Mercedes, but it too was just a little too flashy and, even though it came from my trust fund and I could afford it, it cost more money than I wanted to spend on my first car. Not to mention my father already had one. _The fam definitely had a thing for European engineering._

I was in my room being an emo dick when I saw headlights splash across a corner of the back yard, signaling Alice was finally home with my car. I resisted the urge to meet her at the door, thinking that if I played it just right I could finagle some more info out of her about Bell… the girl. _I was also in no mood to schlep what was sure to be a small mountain of bags upstairs for her._ I stalked my room like a caged tiger while I impatiently waited for Alice to return my keys. I was growing more agitated with each pass and vaguely realized that if she found me like this she would know that I knew she was home, but didn't come down to help her and then I wouldn't get anywhere close to getting the info that I needed.

So as contrary as it was to how I was feeling at that moment, I forced myself to kick back on the black leather couch that sat near my closet and tried to appear chillaxed. I grabbed the remote from off of the floor and turned on my stereo, hoping it would mellow me out. Glancing over to make sure that my iPod was attached to my system, I set it to random play and tossed the remote to the floor before looking around for something to keep my hands busy.

Sticking out from underneath a throw pillow on the opposite end of the couch, I spotted a dark blue paperback and instantly knew what it was, as I had been looking for the Goddamn thing for more than a week. I used my foot and slid it until it was close enough that I could grab hold of it. Feeling a bit smug about finding it, I opened it up and settled in to read.

_While I was helping her to climb on to a raft, I let my hand stray over her breasts. Then she lay flat on the raft, while I trod water. After a moment she turned and looked at me. Her hair was over her eyes and she was laughing. I clambered up on to the raft, beside her. The air was pleasantly warm, and, half jokingly, I let my head sink back upon her lap. She didn't seem to mind, so I let it stay there. I had the sky full in my eyes, all blue and gold, and I could feel Marie's stomach rising and falling gently under my head. We must have stayed a good half-hour on the raft, both of us half asleep. When the sun got too hot she dived off and I followed. I caught up with her, put my arm round her waist, and we swam side by side. She was still laughing._

The French philosopher's words captured my attention and I managed to forget my earlier tenseness and irritation. I was so engrossed that I managed to read the first 35 pages before my bedroom door was unceremoniously tossed open and Twin Vicious stormed in like a tiny tornado. The rustle of plastic and paper and tissue accompanied her in place of howling winds as she crossed my room, bound for the walk-in closet. Once interred inside she dropped her bags with a huff and stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips glowering at me.

"Jesus Edward! You could have come downstairs and given me a hand with this stuff. That's a hell of a way to thank me for buying you some new clothes."

_Another understated arrival as usual._

I feigned disinterest in the contents of the bags and used my book--that I was now pretending to read--as a shield while my eyes flitted up over the top, peeked from around the sides, peered from underneath with fleeting glances, stolen glimpses, coups d'oeil. In general, I didn't particularly care for clothes, but I would probably be dressing like a hobo if it wasn't for Alice's addiction to fashion… _and I would certainly be getting less pussy._ As it was, even with Alice's skills, I still managed to always look a little unkempt, but I happened to know that the ladies liked it. Hell, they ate this shit up and asked for seconds.

"Well, I wasn't aware you were home, Alice. I do have more important things to do than wait around for you all day..." She scoffed loudly as she continued putting away her latest contributions to my wardrobe. "I do!" I shout, sounding like a petulant child.

"Then what are you still doing here?" _She had a point_. I hadn't been around the house much all summer, especially not in the evenings.

I lifted my book some, not sure if she could even see me as, not looking at the words, I never taking my eyes off the page. "Reading."

"Why?"

"Why what, Malice?"

She sneered at me. "Why are you sitting in your room, reading a book? Shouldn't you be out with one of your groupies like every other night? What's got your panties in a twist and put you in such an emofunk?"

"I'm not in an emofunk, whatever the fuck that is…" _I knew what it was, I wasn't stupid _"…I just didn't feel like being seen in your yellow penis-mobile. I don't drive cock-cars"

Alice muttered something insulting, but I didn't really care enough to listen… _and if she wanted me to know, she would have made sure that I heard her._ We were already wearing on each other's nerves, and I knew from past experience that I wouldn't get any information out of her with her acting like she was. My opportunity to get any information out of her was gone, but I was okay with it since I no longer had any desire to speak to her.

The room dissolved into silence and both of us returned to our tasks—me reading and Calice putting her purchases away in my closet. Neither of us said anything for a long while and I became absorbed with my book once again, nearly forgetting about her presence.

_When we had finished dressing, Marie looked hard at me. Her eyes were sparkling. I kissed her; after that neither of us spoke for quite a while. I pressed her to my side as we scrambled up the foreshore. Both of us were in a hurry to catch the bus, get back to my place, and tumble on to the bed. I'd left my window open, and it was pleasant to feel the cool night air flowing over our sunburned bodies._

She stepped out of my closet withthe paper shopping bags from a few upscale stores folded up and tucked neatly under an arm, and a plastic Macy's bag swollen with the cellophane, plastic and tissue paper debris from her purchases dangling from one of her slight wrists. I could feel the heaviness of her gaze as she stood just outside of my closet door staring at me. Wondering what the fuck she was doing, I finally peeked at her over the top of my book.

I was unable to make out the curious expression on her face so I quirked one eyebrow at her. She shook her head at me, a minute, barely discernable movement, before making her way back across the room towards the door. Something catching her eye, she hesitated and then shifted course. She came to a stop in front of my desk, her hand reached out to pluck a picture from off the low shelf above it, and I held my breath waiting for her reaction. I didn't need to see the picture to know exactly what it looked like or when it was taken.

It was the two of us, our arms thrown around each other as we made silly faces into the camera and it had been taken several months before we left Alaska, before … the incident happened. What it was doing upright I hadn't a clue as I normally kept it flipped over on its face because I couldn't look at it without being reminded of all that had come between us… _the pain and hurt and the fear. _A familiar icy tingle of fear crept down my spine and I forced myself to push it away.

Alice's face softened as she looked at the picture of a younger and still innocent us, taken before the flames of knowledge had licked at our skin, burnt through us, before everything changed. _Back when Alice still felt like my other half, before she turned into Malice. _She glanced between me and the picture, before finally settling those eerie, fortuneteller's eyes on me, with a placid countenance. An energy, vitality, thrummed beneath the surface of her skin so that even when still as stone, she never seemed frozen. A soft smile played on her lips and my eyes dropped to the floor as I slowly let out the breath I had been holding.

Alice shocked me by bouncing over to me and throwing her little arms around me before giving me a peck on the cheek. "I love you, Edward. You'll always be my other half, no matter what…"

I stiffened, not knowing what to say. _She hadn't said that since… Why would she say that now...?_ I didn't think she had forgiven me… _could ever forgive me._ Something about the way she said it… _no matter what…_ sounded portentous, ominous, and she was still looking at me with those Goddamn gypsy eyes. She was still speaking when her arms disappeared and she skipped away, her words trailing behind her, but I was oblivious.

My mouth could no longer contain the words that had filled it, but it wasn't until she had already gone that they were able to fall out. I swallowed them, the questioning, bittersweet words, and only choked a little on the bigger ones.

I turned back to my book and continued reading until I fell asleep. Sometime during the night I woke up, stiff and uncomfortable in every way imaginable. I made my way to my bed, stripping my clothes off and letting them fall to the floor while en route. Blinded by the cloth of my half-removed shirt, arms raised above my head and the hem gripped in my hands, Alice's parting words crept through my brain and I fell to the bed with a groan, tossing my shirt across the room as I did so.

"_Mom and Dad will be gone tomorrow night in Seattle and the weather is going to be spectacular, so we're having a small pool party in honor of my new friend. Well, really it's so everyone can get to know her. Bella will be over in the morning around ten so that she can meet Mom and Dad before they leave. _

"_So, you need to be down in the game room by 9:55, and Edward…" she paused as she crossed the threshold and looked over her shoulder at me "…keep your hands and those fuck-me-eyes of yours to yourself. She has enough shit in her life without having to deal with your fuckery. We'll discuss this some more in the morning. 'Night."_

Fuck.

Still half-asleep, and too tired to care about her parting words, I pulled and pawed at the blanket that were balled up on the side of my rarely made bed until I was more or less covered by a blanket. I drifted back to sleep, welcoming the black of the nothingness that claimed me, but the black disappeared, giving way to dreams colored in shades of brown and creamy white tinged with rubies…

_Tawny tan, soulful sepia mixed with undulating umber, creating chocolate cravings and casting mahogany maledictions… I was under her spell. Her skin was adulating__alabaster, iridescent ivory and perfect pale pearl… and I ached to touch its milky perfection. Heat flushed across the milky perfection of her skin… carnal carmine, scandalized scarlet, the rarest rose. The colors swirled and underwent a slow metamorphosis until she stood in front of me in the altogether… Bella._

~//~

I awoke with a start, her name still on my lips as I remembered that she was coming today. My heart missed a half of a beat and then started beating with more force against my chest. _What the fuck? _I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I was pretty sure it was physical and I should see someone about it; my heart felt like it was trying to hammer its way out of my chest. Someone was pounding on the door, had been, in fact that was what woke me up. I looked around groggily and then rubbed my eyes with the backs of my hands.

"Edward, are you awake?" My sister asked through the door as her knuckles continued to wrap against the door.

"Wha…?" I stopped rubbing my and one hand scrubbed across my face. "Um… wait a minute. Just hold on… yeah."

I grabbed last night's jeans from off the floor, slipped them on and headed towards the door. On the way I grabbed a blue hoodie from off the back of my desk chair and tugged it on, zipping it up just before I yanked the door open.

"Yeah…" I said as I tugged one hand through my sleep-matted hair. "What's up? Whaddya need, Alice?"

Alice, of course, didn't reply. She just pushed past me until she was standing in the center of my room. "Won't you come in?" I asked with a flourish and a slight bow as she passed.

Her back still facing me, she crossed arms before turning to face me. Her expression was a study in seriousness. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" She still didn't say a word and although she was looking at me, she wasn't _looking_ at me.

"Well, you look all worked up already this morning. What have I done to earn your ire this time, Ali?" _Brilliant, Edward. Piss the little one off even more before she starts in on… _whatever_, and do it before the day has had a chance to begin. Idiot._

Alice's eyes narrowed in on me. She looked from me to the chair as she said, "Have a seat, Edward."

Sensing now wasn't the time to argue, I did as I was told and stared at the ground.

"I'm gonna talk; you're gonna listen," she started. "Bella…" my head snapped up at the mention of her name "…is coming today. I don't really want you to meet her, but since it's going to happen eventually, it might as well be today. I would prefer that I was around… that everyone was around when you meet her anyway."

"Well, it's nice to know you don't want me around your friends, Ali. I didn't know you were so ashamed to be my sister," I said in indignation, a little of the lingering pain bleeding through into my voice.

"Oh, come off it, Edward! This has nothing to do with that, so cut the shit. This is about you and your man-hoor, twatburgling ways. And don't even pretend like you aren't already calculating and plotting on how to get into her pants before anyone else does."

I wasn't! _Wait, was I?_ I thought about it and images of all the things I wanted to do to her flashed through my mind. _Okay, but it's not like I already had plans or anything._ A file containing a barely formed profile on the girl popped out of the 'To Do' box in my head. _Still, just because I have a plan doesn't mean I am going to fucking put it into play… necessarily. _I could not use the plan… _that's about as likely as, to paraphrase The Bloodhound Gang, Jesus Christ jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart while Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus' tummy-tum. _

I didn't say anything as I continued to think about my twin's accusations_. _ Was I really that predictable, that much of a whore? And why was I bothered by her insinuations? Aside from Alice… _and the parents of the girls that I fucked…_ no one seemed all that bothered by my behavior. I was a teenage boy sowing my oats and no one was being hurt by my behavior… _especially the girls_. Regardless of the answers, that wasn't my reason for wanting to sleep with the girl.

_Well, not entirely._ She had somehow crawled inside my brain and I couldn't get her out. At this point, I just needed her gone and the only way I could see that happening was to just fuck her out of it. I was certain if I got her into bed, I would lose interest in her like I always do. But now Alice was filling my head with doubt and I had to wonder if that was really the reason I wanted to fuck her. Alice spoke again before I could dwell on it any longer.

"You've already slept with every decent girl in town…" _and a few of the others, not that I would confess to that, sis_ "…and I'd be willing to guess a few of the less desirable girls around town as well." Truefax. Wait… _how the hell…?_ "I know how you like to be the first to hit it, so don't think that I will for one second fall for your innocent act."

She was in full on Callous Alice… _Calice…_ mode at that point. She had her hands on her hips, balled into tiny fists, feet shoulder width apart and slightly offset, a boxer's stance, her face was flushed, and she was breathing heavy. I remembered the girl from yesterday, too adorable in all her tiger kitten anger to even be taken seriously. However, unlike the girl, angry Calice should always be taken seriously because angry Calice was deadly lethal with her tiny, innocuous-looking fists. I knew--I had been on the receiving end on numerous occasions while growing up--that boxer's stance wasn't just for show.

_Not to mention, she was like fucking Mighty Mouse. I think she may have been in or survived a gamma ray blast kinda like the Hulk, only she doesn't turn green or get bigger when she is angered, just stronger. It's that or she was turned into a mutant by some general in an underground laboratory. Those were the only theories I had because she sure as shit wasn't getting that strength from that Pilates and Yoga bullshit. _

"Bella has enough shit in her life right now. She does not need to be dicked around by your cuntfuzzling, douchebaggery bullshit. So. Stay. Away. From. Bella," she said through clenched teeth, carefully annunciating every syllable. Her hackles were clearly raised. _Momma bear Alice. Grrrr!_

I had my 'this is a serious discussion and I am taking it seriously' mask firmly in place… _I had no plans to listen to her overbearing 'I know what's best for everyone' spiel; plus, I couldn't be held accountable for her friends choices and I wouldn't feel guilty about giving her the greatest night she would ever know because I was upfront about my M.O.—get in, get off, and get out…_ but all my thoughts, added to the image of Calice as a she-bear, nearly cracked my façade as laughter tried to break out.

She looked away from me and got herself under control. By the time she looked back at me, ready to continue with her lecture, I had my mask firmly in place and was looking back at my feet. _Who the hell did she think she was lecturing me? Although, I'd bet_ _5:1 odds that the girl got a whole Big-Bad-Wolf-In-Sheep's-Clothing lecture about me._

"Her mother… She's so broken, Edward," Alice's gasped out, her voice cracking pitifully and causing my head to snap up to her face. Her expression was even more pitiable than her voice, the painful memories were evident on her face… _memories that I put there…_ and guilt washed over me. _Who's the callous one now, dickhead?_

The first cracks in the wall of my resolve to do what I wanted concerning the girl appeared, microscopic and imperceptible at first, but growing and spreading the longer I looked at my twins face. But, ever mercurial, Alice's mood shifted and her anger returned, righteously.

"I finally have a chance to have a friend, Edward, one that I made on my own and without the lure of my pretty brothers hanging around my neck like an albatross. She likes me for me, and do you know how long it has been since anyone, male or female, has liked me just for me?" She hesitates, presumably to allow me time to think and to let her words to sink in… _allowing my cracks to grow even more until the wall is crumbling around me_.

"A long fucking time… and Jasper doesn't count 'cause he knew you and Em first. You owe me, you know you do. I've never asked for anything from you…" the tears come again…. the_ pile of rubble was being ground into sand and blowing away in the wind_… "…just… please… _sob…_ for me, Edward. _Sniffle. _Do it for me."

She was right, I did owe her. I quickly crossed over to her, wrapped my tiny sister in my arms and let her cry it out. As she sobbed, I repeatedly told her how sorry I was and swore to her that I would honor her wishes… and I would, whether it killed me or not.

~//~

I stayed in my music room all morning. Just before the girl… _Bella…_ was due to arrive I headed downstairs to wait in the den. Alice was all aflutter and bouncing around the house like she was riding a fucking pogo-stick in anticipation of her new _BFF Forever, OMG!_ It was a little bit ridiculous how excited she was about someone she barely knew coming over. She was acting like she was being inducted into the family… _if she survives meeting Rose, that is. Territorial, vainglorious bitch._ All the same, it was nice to see my twin sister overcome with elation.

She had seemed plenty happy since finding Jasper and gaining Rose's friendship… _ an unexplainable and extremely unexpected friendship that I would never understand; Alice was easy to love, Rose- not so much…_ but she hadn't been so carefree since… well, since before Forks. Ten o'clock came and went, taking some of Alice's effervescence with it and she went out the front door and paced the front porch.

At about half past, the rumbling of her truck could be heard, along with Ali squealing and jumping up and down on the porch. The rest of the family and Jasper drifted past the den to congregate in the game room downstairs. I assumed Rose was still out in the shop… _she of course wasn't going to rush around because of some new girl._ I turned the television off and got up, intent on making my way downstairs, but somehow ended up peeking out from behind the curtain covering one of the narrow windows next to the front door.

My sister ran up to the truck before it had even stopped all the way. As soon as it was parked Ali practically pulled her friend out of her truck and I found myself smiling as she giggled at my sister's assault. She blushed over something Alice said to her and my dick jerked in reaction … _way to embarrass her, Calice, but Goddamn was that blush sexy. _She fleetingly glanced at the house, finally giving me a full view of her face… _fuck me. _My dick tried to tear its way out of my pants… _I wanted to suck on her plump bottom lip… _and I groaned when she looked away, leaving me with just her profile.

Mighty Mouse was dragging her to the house and I knew I should move, but couldn't seem to convince my feet to listen. When they stepped out from behind the truck I stupidly shoved the curtain all the way to the side so that I could better take in the fuckhot girl… _if I thought I was hard before, I was mistaken; I was like a fucking diamond and would not have been surprised if I pulled my dick out of my pants and saw it glitter in the sun._

Just a hint of the dark blue tie of her bikini was visible, and I couldn't wait to see the rest of it. The glass was starting to fog from my breath and my face was practically pressed against the glass, but still I couldn't move. I only wanted to get closer, I wanted to hear her voice and touch her. She suddenly screeched to a halt about halfway to the house and looked toward the front door with panic clearly written on her face. Realizing that she would be able to plainly see me and hoping that she didn't, I cringed and allowed the curtain to snap back into place.

I could still make her out through the sheer material, but not well enough to satisfy. I wanted to be able to see her and watch her expressive face and eyes without obstruction… _I didn't even want the glass between us_. I saw Rose approaching from the garage and was grateful to her--for the first time possibly ever--since her arrival was sure to grant me a few more moments to look at the girl. I was aware that my behavior was somewhat stalkerish, but didn't really give a fuck.

Peering out, once again, from behind the curtain, I watched the approaching trainwreck named Rose and clenched my fists. I wanted to go outside and tell her to shut the fuck up… _which wasn't that unusual, and I frequently did…_ but I couldn't. Alice turned her ire on the overbearingly bitchy blond… _ha, ha, ha…_ and then tugged the brunette towards the house. I couldn't face her, I couldn't see her, stare into those eyes without wanting her… _not to mention the Louisville Slugger in my pants…_ so I fled up the main stairs and stepped on to the second floor landing as the front door opened with a sigh of relief.

I leaned back against the wall at the head of the stairs and eavesdropped while I tried to catch my breath and let the adrenaline work out of my bloodstream. Not wanting to be caught, I stayed where I was for several minutes after they left the foyer… _the fact that you know it's called a foyer makes you a little bit of a fairy, your mother being an interior designer notwithstanding._

I slowly trudged up the second flight of stairs to my room. Once inside, I locked the door behind me and threw myself down on my bed. I knew Alice was going to be all sorts of pissed off with me, but she'd be even angrier if I tossed her friend onto the pool table and fucked her in front of everyone… _not to mention my parents would have a thing or two to say about it as well._ I would deal with my sister when the time came. For now, I was going to turn on some tunes, and jerk off while fantasizing about the girl downstairs.

I probably should have jumped in the shower, but I was certain that Ali-ba-ba would know exactly what I was up to if she heard the water turn on. I unzipped my pants and pulled out my grateful dick while my other hand was getting the bottle of lube out of the top drawer of my nightstand. _I was like a sexual Boy Scout... always prepared._ I squirted some on my hand, letting my fantasies about the girl play through my head and began handling my junk…

…_her on her knees in front of me with her pretty lips wrapped around my dick…_

_...slipping my fingers inside her nice, tight, pussy…_

…_my tongue sliding between her folds as I tasted her for the first time._

I wasn't going to last long at the pace I had set and I wasn't nearly done fantasizing about her, so I forced myself to slow down…

…_her riding me with her pert breasts bouncing in my face, her nipples tight, hard…_

…_bending her over my couch and then plowing into her from behind, her ass a delicious shade of pink from my pelvis smacking into her._

My fantasizing began to subtly take on a different tone…

…_Bella stretched out across my bed, writhing beneath me as I taste and caress every inch of her skin…_

…_our bodies pressed together, lips moving as one, eyes locked as I slowly slip inside of her…_

…_moving with one another languidly, the heat slowly building along with our pace, our eyes never leaving the others, whispering her name against her lips, her whispering my name against mine as we come together…_

"Bel-la… fuck!"

I unexpectedly came… all over myself since I didn't have time to grab the box of Kleenex I keep on my nightstand. I was almost unable to enjoy my climax when I realized that I had come… _hard…_ to thoughts of not fucking the girl, but of making love to her… _what an overused, trite term._ I froze in my bed, stunned and unsure what that meant… _Edward fucking Cullen did not make love_. Telling Alice and her assumptions to fuck off in my head, I decided to shower.

I choked the chicken again while I showered because, A- I was hard again, B- if I was going to be accused of it by Malice, I might as well do it, and C- I had to prove to myself that my session of self-love on the bed was a fluke. To my relief, it was… _with intense concentration._ It wasn't until after I had finished that I realized I had said her name… _out loud… both times…_ as I came.

~//~

I woke up at eight am on Friday morning to the sound of Tanya calling my name and banging on the door of my apartment… loudly.

Fucking Tanya. What the fuck could she possibly want? God, she exhausted me. She knew that I was expected at my parents' place and didn't have time to see her before I left. Hell, I should have been gone and already in Forks.

I was pissed off that Tanya was at my apartment at all, but more angry that she pulled me away from my dreams of Bella.

Bella. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I was going to have to tell her this weekend, break off our little arrangement. I had to do it before she found out about Tanya… _before she got hurt._ I couldn't deal with that until I got to Forks, so for now I needed to focus on dealing with Tanya.

I opened the door with a sigh. "What, Tanya?"

"Is that any way to answer the door for your girlfriend?"

"You're not… We're not…" I stopped because I didn't have time for this argument again. "What do you need? I don't have time for any bullshit today. I need to get on the road soon if I want to make it to Forks at a decent hour and avoid pissing off my sister and brother any more than I already have."

"I just came to see you off, grumpy."

I sighed again as she stepped past me and into my apartment. Shutting the door, I turned around to face her and noted her appearance for the first time. She was wearing a shin-length, black trench coat, buttoned up and belted at her waist, a pair of cherry-red fuck me pumps with matching lips, and her hair was hanging loose down her back. She looked great, but I wasn't sure why she was so fucking dressed up this early in the morning. It's not like she worked.

"Then don't bother taking your coat off," I said to her back. "I just have to get dressed and then I am out of here."

Ignoring me, she turned her back to me and began removing her coat as she walked over to the bank of windows that comprised most of the back wall of my living room. It reminded me of home and was one of the main selling points when I was searching for apartments, not to mention that it had a great view. My brother thought I was an idiot for buying a place, but I hated wasting money on rent and I had no plans to leave Seattle any time soon… _I also couldn't tolerate sharing an apartment with him any longer._

Seattle was the place that I ultimately wanted to end up since it was close to my family and friends… _and Bella…_ but that was dependent upon where my internship was done and whether or not I could secure a residency at a nearby hospital. Bella's name in my head reminded me that I needed to deal with Tanya and whatever little game she was playing at this time, and then get on the road… _but of course it couldn't be that simple._

She turned around to face me, letting her coat fall open to reveal her nude form underneath. Now I was not at the top of my game, having just woken up and all, but I hadn't been expecting that. At least I knew exactly what game she was playing at now. She was insanely and viciously jealous of Bella, so jealous in fact that when she found out it was just going to be my siblings, their significant others, Bella, and myself, she flipped her fucking lid. She had promptly started a tireless campaign of hinting about coming along with me and got all upset and pissy when I told her 'no' in no uncertain terms.

Her bitching and moaning continued without abate until it finally got so fucking bad that I took her to my parents' place with me a few times over the summer hoping that it would shut her up… _it apparently hadn't_.

She had no reason to dislike Bella so intensely. I had told her numerous times that there was nothing going on between Bella and I, and the few times she had seen us interact were absolutely innocent, but Tanya didn't seem to believe me. It was all a blatant lie, but I had to give it to her, the girl was more perceptive than she ever let on. My own siblings and best friends didn't know, and it had been taking place right under their noses for nearly five years.

"That's hardly a proper goodbye, Eddie." I clenched my jaw; she knew I hated that nickname. No one got away with calling me that… _except Bella, and only… _ This wasn't really an appropriate time to think about that.

"Don't want you to forget about me while you're gone," she drawled sexily.

"I'm going to be gone for two nights. It's not like we see each other every day or anything. In fact, we sometimes go weeks without seeing each other, so why the fuck are you making such a big deal out of this?"

"I'm just gonna miss you, baby," she said. _God she really did infuriate me sometimes._ She had her lips pulled up into a sexy little pout, but her eyes were cold and calculating as she tried to seduce me into being faithful to her and our non-relationship before I left.

We weren't together… w_ere we?_ We had never defined what we were doing with each other, and although I suppose to some it would look like we were in a relationship, I had made it clear on numerous occasions that we were just fucking. We had been seeing more of each other since the last time I had seen Bella, and I had taken her to my parents a few times, but we weren't dating.

Tanya was stalking my movements from across the room and I realized that I was pacing as I tried to figure things out. I knew I had to do something soon, but for the life of me could not begin to figure out what. I knew that I didn't want to sleep with her… _at least not until I had a chance to sort this shit out in my head…_ but I was even less in the mood to fight with her. Maybe fucking her now would make me want Bella less, make it easier to resist her this weekend. _Then again, nothing had ever made me want her les.?_

After all, wasn't that why I began this whole charade with Tanya? Because I needed something to either distract me from Bella or give me a reason to let her go. Tanya wasn't the type of girl to get attached so I had no worries about her getting hurt. I knew for a fact that she was fucking other guys and I was okay with that, but lately she had been getting all Star Trek on me. She was acting like a Klingon and I guess I hadn't really been doing anything to discourage her. _And despite my desires and intentions, I knew I wasn't going to start just yet. _

I wasn't interested in sleeping with her, but my body had made up its own mind and was sending very clear messages… _that she was having no difficulty reading through my boxers…_ that it wanted her. _My dick was such a traitor; he was the one who got me into all this trouble in the first place._ Yeah, 'cause me and my dick were two separate entities and only one of us worked at a time. No, I made these decisions and I was going to have to deal with them and the consequences. Bella wasn't mine and the sooner I let her go, the better off everyone would be.

Her beauty was more contrived than Bella's, more predatory, but I couldn't deny that Tanya was a beautiful woman. There were worse things I could do against my will than her. My decision made, I scratched my head with both hands, ruffling my hair up and let out a deep sigh. Tanya pulled something out her pocket and shoved her coat off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. She stuck her tongue out and slowly licked her top lip as she gestured to me to come over to her. No. We were going to do this my way, not hers.

I shook my head. "If you want it Tanya, come over here and get it."

Annoyance and anger flashed through her eyes and I smirked because I liked knowing that I had that kind of control over her, that she wanted me enough that she was willing to compromise her own wasn't used to having to having to beg for it and she definitely wasn't used to not being in charge once she got it. But I wasn't going to play her games; she was never going to own me. Someone already did and she would be the only one who ever would… _even if she didn't know it and I refused to own it._ As quickly as it showed, it was gone.

Tanya had her seductive, 'fuck me' mask back in place and she gave me a smirk of her own before she started walking towards me, strutting like she was on a catwalk. Images of a confident Bella walking towards me, much like Tanya was doing now only with out the fuck me pumps… _cause she didn't need them and likely would have killed herself if she had worn them…_ the last time she had been in my apartment flooded my head and I almost changed my mind right then.

Confidence was sexy, but everything about the woman before me was so contrived, designed to arouse, and the premeditation did nothing for me. But then she was there and wrapping her arms around my neck. She attempted to kiss me, but I turned away. I had only kissed her a few times and today was not going to be one of them. She didn't acknowledge my rebuff; she just attached her lips to my neck and worked her way down to my boxers, slipped them off and then wrapped her lips around the head of my dick and went to work.

She swirled her tongue around it a few times before she started working my whole length in and out of her mouth. I kept my hands at my sides and stared out the window. I didn't say a word as she swallowed my cock, but I couldn't stop the groans from escaping each time she took me down the back of her throat. It wasn't long before I had her hair wrapped around one of my hands and was using it to jerk her back and forth over me.

I was close and as much as I wanted to come down her throat, I knew she wouldn't be satisfied… _or gone…_ until I fucked her, and I just wanted to get it over with. I looked down and saw her hand working furiously between her own legs and I knew that she was close. Using the hair I was gripping, I pulled the cockhound off of my junk and pulled her up until she was standing. It was a bit of a callous move, but she gave no indication that it hurt… _and Tanya liked it rough anyway._

Putting a hand on her shoulder, I turned her until she was facing the back of the sofa that was beside us and pushed her upper body down. As her chest lowered, her hand automatically snapped up and she held out the condom she was still holding. Ripping the foil packet open with my teeth, I pulled the condom out and let the empty wrapper fall to the floor. I stroked myself a couple times, more out of habit than necessity, and rolled it down my shaft.

As I lined myself up behind her, I noticed that despite her 5'9" height and her heels, Tanya's feet barely reached the floor. I knew for a fact that Bella's feet didn't and nothing turned me on more than having Bella exposed and helpless in front of me, but with Tanya… nothing. I wouldn't defile my memories of Bella by thinking of them at a moment like this, so I shoved the thoughts out of my head yet again. I considered moving someplace else, but there was nowhere in my apartment that I hadn't fucked Bella.

Instead I just took hold of her shoulder with one hand, gripped myself with the other, and used her shoulder to pull her back onto me. Giving her no time to adjust, I began fucking her hard and fast. Mistaking my roughness for desire, she immediately began her high-pitched caterwauling, and I clenched my jaw in order to resist telling her to shut the fuck up… _it was not fucking sexy in any way whatsoever._ I was close and incidentally… _because at this point I just didn't care about her, I only wanted her gone…_ she was too. It only took a few minutes before I felt her clamp down on me as she came and that was all the impetus I needed to fall over the edge with her. _Although, her squealing out, 'I'm coming' like a stuck pig nearly caused me to not finish._

I pulled out, removed the condom, pulled my boxers up and walked into my kitchen to dispose of it. Tanya was still lying over the back of the couch when I walked back into the room so I walked over to the window and picked her coat up from off of the floor and draped it across the couch next to her. This had been a bad idea, I felt sick and I just really wanted her to get the fuck out of my apartment.

She sat up and looked from her coat to me before slowly picking it up and putting her arms in the sleeves. "So that's it then?" She asked. "You're just going to fuck me and then kick me out?"

Fuck me! She wasn't really hurt, it was an act and we both knew it.

"You got what you wanted, Tanya. You knew I was leaving. Speaking of which, I gotta jump in the shower before I leave, so let yourself out. I'll give you a call when I get back." _But I honestly had no plans to call her again. _With that said, I crossed the room, walked down the hallway and went to my room.

"Asshole!" She yelled before slamming the door behind her.

Walking into my bathroom, I chuckled a little. I couldn't remember ever acting like such a complete asshole, but something about Tanya just brought out the worst in me, and I couldn't really bring myself care. I stepped into the shower and hoped that this time I had pissed Tanya off enough that she wouldn't call me when I didn't call her.

A little over 20 minutes later, my apartment was locked up and I was pulling my car out of the parking garage en route to Forks. I was taking the overland route in order to avoid having to deal with the ferries. I just wanted to get there as soon as possible and didn't think I could deal with all of the waiting around that the ferries required.

I hopped on I-5 heading South towards the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, set my cruise control and let my mind drift.

~//~

**Songs Used In Order Of Appearance:**

_Push Me, Pull Me_, Pearl Jam_  
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy,_ Rod Stewart_  
Bad Touch, _The Bloodhound Gang

1. Edward was reading The Stranger by Albert Camus. The excerpts used were in Part 1, page 34, 35, in the edition I have, but I cannot seem to find my copy (and its driving me crazy) so I had to use one online that sucked, but the pages are still pretty close.

2. Oh, and there is a line in the first half of the chapter where Badward says that Alice is 'deadly lethal.' I know that it's redundant. It was in the movie that way, and it irritated the hell out of me. I thought it was kind of funny to include, and then I thought you would all think I was an idiot so, that explains this note.


	11. Ignore

**Please ignore. **


	12. Chapter 10 Hate Me

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters, plotlines, etc. belong to S. Meyer, the rest is mine. All songs used belong to their respective owners.

**A/N:** Thanks to my fuckawesome beta, Vanessarae for talking me down from ledges when necessary. She recently posted her first fic, Seventeen Cakes (link is on my profile), so go check it out.

Thanks to the girls at the Bad, Broken and Dead threads. You gals rock my world. Thanks to Araeo (Badward's #1 Disciple/Playlist creator), Nerac, Redvelvetheaven and SendMeAnEdward for being willing to take a look at stuff and for all the handholding and telling me that I don't, in fact, suck. Also, a special shout-out to one of my most loyal reader/reviewers, Quickreader, I put a little something at the end for you. You'll know it when you read it.

Thanks to everyone who this story to their alerts/favorites.

**

* * *

Chapter 10- Hate Me

* * *

**

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space…

Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you…

- _Hate Me_, Blue October

~//~

**Five Years Prior**

The girl was turning me into a stalker; a creepy, fucking, shady ass stalker. That day she came over for the pool party was when it all started. When I had finished beating off in the shower, I was at loose ends, unsure of what to do with myself. I had left my room with every intention of leaving the house, but somehow ended up in her room… while she was hidden behind the closed door of the en suite. _I know.__ What. The. Fuck?_

I snuck into the room of a female guest in my family's home while she was in the bathroom of said room… _and it just gets worse… _pawed through her things… _and worse… _and vandalized her book. To give me some credit though, I was surprised by her reading choice. I had pegged her as a Cosmo or _Vogue_ reader... _she was friends with my sister after all..._ possibly romance novels_. _At best, I thought she might read Austen or one of the Bronte sisters, but Camus?

Not only was she reading the same book as me, she was reading the exact same edition and appeared to be on the exact same page. _Un-fucking-expected, and that's putting it mildly._ It was so unexpected that I would actually go as far as saying it was the book's fault that I was in her room at all. _The book made you do it? That's un-fucking-believable, you tool, and it's also not true._

Okay, I'll admit that the book wasn't responsible for me being outside her door or for me pressing my ear to her door. The book also wasn't to blame for me opening her door after she shut herself inside the en suite or for me entering, but it was culpable for everything that happened after that, including despoiling itself. _My mother was to blame for supplying the highlighter that I used to despoil the book. Who keeps a highlighter in the nightstand of their guestroom?_

I couldn't have been inside for more than a minute or two when I thought I heard her hand on the knob of the bathroom door. Frantic… _I was going to be so fucked if I was caught in there… _I dropped the book onto the bed and rushed out of the room, managing to close the door with a soft click at the exact same time the bathroom door opened. I leaned against the wall panting, my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest, before the sound of her feet padding across the floor made me realize that she would be leaving her room at any moment.

I looked up and down the hall desperately searching for somewhere to hide, but found nothing. _I was pretty sure I would be spotted hiding underneath the rug._ Lacking any feasible alternatives, I retraced my steps down the hall and up the stairs where I hid in my room like I was Quasi-fucking-modo hiding in his tower.

It wasn't until I was once again locked inside _my own_ bedroom that the full creepiness of what I had just done hit me. Alice might have thought I was depraved before, but this had me approaching a whole new level of skeevy… _I was more debased than Fuckhead Newton. _Okay, maybe I wasn't quite as deplorable and heinous as Newton, but not many people were. Either way,I was completely disgusted with myself over the random act of stalking I had committed.

I was more intrigued by her, on a totally different level than before. No longer was it just about the intense physical attraction that I felt when I saw her… _or how hard she made me._ I wanted to play twenty questions with her so that I could learn everything about her and figure out how her mind worked. I wanted to discuss literature, art, history, religion, all sorts of shit with her… _maybe while I fucked her, or after. I wasn't picky as long as there was fucking at some point. _

No… _as fucked up and shocking as it was…_ for the first time ever, I wanted to have a conversation with a girl that involved more than her moaning and screaming out my name… _don't get me wrong, I hadn't gone completely soft, I wanted that too… desperately. _It was an odd feeling. The only time I had ever heard her speak… '_stupid fucking shiny, silver Volvo drivers'_… her words didn't exactly promote her intelligence, but I wanted to know her thoughts.

Forcing the girl and the litany of emotions that I didn't want to feel out of my head, I instead focused on the baser urges that were my old familiars. At least I tried to. For some stupid reason I refused to whip out my painfully swollen dick to beat off again. Instead, I forced myself to suffer through the case of blue balls I was getting, thinking of it as my just desserts for being such a sick fuck.

~//~

A loud splash and a shriek reminded me that I had a decent vantage point to see what I was missing... _and I was not entirely referring to the party that I wasn't part of. _Feeling like a real dumbass for not remembering sooner… _i__t was solid glass for Chrissakes… _I walked to the back wall of my room and peered down at the back yard. My head fell forward and I groaned, loudly, at what I saw. _I was officially in Hell._

I couldn't have picked a worse… _or a better…_ moment. At the exact same moment I peeked, the girl climbed out of the pool, surprising me yet again, wearing an itty-bitty, teeny-weeny bikini held on by delicate bows that tied at the nape of her neck, her back, and both hips. She didn't look like the type of girl who would wear a bikini like _that_, but I was more than fucking happy to be proven wrong. _Hell, she could prove me wrong whenever she wanted if the results were always going to be that good._

I let my eyes roam over every inch of skin that was revealed to me…_ I ogled the fuck out of her… _wishing like hell that instead of my eyes, it had been my tongue or at the very least my fucking hands caressing her. Water cascaded down her body, slicking her hair back and darkening it so that it appeared almost jet black, except for the slight reddish tint brought out by the sun. _Fuck! The girl was a perfect fucking '10'._

She walked over to the empty chaise lounge next to my sister, mesmerizing me with the sway of her hips before flinging herself onto it. Lying on her back, she raised her arms above her head and stretched herself out before me. My eyes devoured her nearly naked body and I was more desperate than ever to not have that glass between us, to be closer to her; I needed to touch her.

I licked my lips as my eyes traced the gentle swell of her breasts and the soft curves of her hips, I followed one deceptively long leg down to a delicate ankle and then back up the other one until my eyes rested on the place where those perfect, creamy thighs met up… _the culmination of my fucking being._ Every part of me was crying out to stroke her there, to taste her, to spread her thighs and expose her delicate bud to me.

I grew hard for perhaps the ten millionth time that day, and backed away from the window knowing that I was going to have to relieve myself… _again_. I had been reduced to a twelve-year-old boy who couldn't control himself or his dick by a pretty face… _dude, she was more than merely pretty, she was fucking gorgeous, perfection personified, a goddess_. One thought of her was all it took for me to lose all rational thought, and even though I knew that I couldn't rationally blame her for that, I was starting to resent her.

I took care of myself… _rather quickly to both my relief and chagrin; I felt like a two pump chump…_ and when I was finished I realized that I needed to leave, go away, put some distance between me and the siren in the pool; I would go crazy if I didn't. Grabbing my car keys and other essentials, I descended the main staircase and staying as close to the wall as I could, I crept toward the hallway. Making it safely, I swiftly moved toward the door that would take me to the garage and to the freedom of my car.

~//~

It was nearly dark when I finally made it home that night and discovered that my siblings had abandoned their new 'friend' in favor of sex. I found the girl passed out beside the pool in the same chaise I had seen her in earlier. All the perspective I had gained and commitment to my vow fled upon seeing her lying helpless in the twilight gloom. Those asshats hadn't even had the decency to turn on any of the outside lights for her. I stared at her and debated what to do.

It didn't look like she was going to be waking up any time soon. I couldn't very well leave her out there, but I didn't feel comfortable touching her either. I didn't relish the idea of catching my twin sister and best friend in flagrante delicto, and I just plain didn't want to see… _whatever the fuck_ was going on in my brother's room. Yeah, Rose was hot… _if you took away her personality and ability to talk_… but there are things… _like those two crazy motherfuckers_… that no one should have to see. I looked at the wall of windows above me and knew I was on my own.

I was the only currently clothed… _although __I wouldn't have minded being unclothed…_ _note to self—must not think about state of undress or nudity in general again_… and sober person available. Someone getting hurt was not an option, so I was the safest choice. _Its _possible_ that getting to touch her skin and having her body pressed against mine also held some appeal for me._ I had a theory… _that I came up with just then… _that touching her, seeing she was just a normal girl rather than the fantasy my mind and dick had turned her into, would get her out from under my skin… _and if not, then I still got to touch her. _

Either way you looked at it, it was a win. My mind made up, I kneeled down and gathered her up. She snuggled into my chest with a soft moan as I stood up and, once settled, breathed out a little sigh of contentment. I froze. My stomach somersaulted. My heart skipped a beat or three before resuming at the pace of John Bonham's Moby Dick. _Having her in my arms was proving to be torture, but it was the sweetest fucking torture I had ever known and I wasn't sure if I wanted it to end._

Calming myself as best as I could, I tried to focus on the task at hand. _I just had to make it to her room._Carrying the girl in my arms, I realized for the first time how fragile she was. Her soft, translucent skin was stretched over bones so delicate that I was certain I could snap her wrist with just a flick of mine. She was thin and willowy, a wisp of a thing, but still possessed the curves and roundness of a woman. Clad only in the tiny bikini I had seen her in earlier, the heat from her exposed skin seeped through my t-shirt down into my flesh, going deeper and deeper with each step I took until I could feel her warmth in my very bones.

She shifted again and pressed her nose into the crook of my neck, making the spot alternately hot and cold with each breath. My resolve was more tenuous than I had thought it to be, and I struggled to maintain control as my cock announced its presence. Increasing my pace as much as I could without jostling her, I made it up the stairs and into her room quickly. I balanced her precariously in one arm while I pulled the blankets back, put her gently in bed and then tucked the blankets under her chin.

Fleeing the room, I leaned against her door for the second time that day, trying to fight the urge to go back inside… _or at least go to my room to beat off_.. In the end, my morals were all that kept me on course. I was so fucking ashamed of myself. For the first time in years, I felt tears sting my eyes, and I didn't think I liked who I had become. _I was a piece of shit._

~//~

After… _too much… too little_… some time had passed, I peeled myself from the door and headed to my sister's room. The girl's bathing suit couldn't be comfortable to sleep in, and as much as I was itching… _and twitching…_ to strip it off of her, I knew I couldn't. _But __God, how I wanted to touch her everywhere, feel her nipples harden from my touch… _Fuck! I thought of her in bed, her hair fluffed out around her head like a haystack… _fluffed? You are officially gay, you fucking pansy…_ and I almost fell to my knees.

Not used to denying myself carnal pleasure, it took more strength than I thought I possessed to continue down the hall where I knocked at the den of the devil. I smirked, knowing that I had the upper hand for once, when I heard the little succubus stomp to the door all fucking annoyed.

"What?" She pulled the door open with such force that I felt the air whoosh past me as it was sucked into the vacuum. She looked me over from head to foot before she spoke. "You're not bleeding, and your… visible and important limbs appear to be attached. It's obviously not an emergency, so this had better be really fucking good, Edward."

"Nice to see you too, Calice," I said politely.

We stared each other down, practically nose to nose… _except she was a midget, so it was more like nose to belly button_. Calice Malice was all glowering thunderheads and irritation at having her post-coital slumber disturbed… _or mid-coital since it was a bit early for them to be finished for the night, they were usually like Energizer bunnies on crack. _She stood in the doorway fuming while I leaned one shoulder into the wall with my arms crossed, smirk in place, all cock and swagger.

Her foot started tapping and her hands curled, so I decided to spit it out before she flew off the handle. As much fun as messing with her could be, I wanted to get the fuck up to my room so I could deal with my barely tamed hard on.

"Forget something tonight?" I asked.

"Really? You bothered me to ask some cryptic, bullshit question? G'night, Eddie."

She started to close the door and I automatically reached out to catch it. My usually considerate sister's total lack of awareness nearly sent me into a blind rage. I was suddenly furious with her for being so consumed with fucking her boyfriend that she left her friend passed out in a bikini in our back yard… _I was a little pissed at my sister-defiling friend too._

"So you don't remember leaving your supposed new 'best friend' passed out on a lawn chair in the backyard while you came up here to get laid?" Alice blanched, taking some of the vitriol out of me.

"I hope the sex was good enough that it would have made up for it had something happened to her. Not cool, Al. Not cool," I finished, shaking my head in disappointment.

She attempted to rush from her room, but I grabbed her shoulders to stop her. Removing one hand, I bumped her chin up so I could see her face. Her glassy eyes almost made me feel bad… _almost_… but then I remembered that she was the sole reason that I wasn't where I wanted to be, doing what… _or whom…_ I wanted to do… _although to be perfectly honest, I still hadn't figured out just exactly what that was… _and I got over it.

"I already brought her upstairs. She was out cold when I found her, so I put her to bed. You might want to go put some pajamas or something on her so she doesn't sleep in her swimsuit… and before you start flinging accusations, I didn't touch her…" _not entirely a lie_ "…any more than was necessary. Now, if you don't need me anymore, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. Night."

Wanting to escape before she could piss me off, I didn't wait for a response. I simply turned on my heels and headed toward the stairs. I was almost home free when she called my name.

"Yeah?" I stopped and looked over my shoulder.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and… well, just thanks." I gave her a small, tight smile, inclined my head slightly. She waited until I resumed walking before whispering loud enough for me to hear. "You still better stay the fuck away from her." _Always had to have the last word._

I rolled my eyes, which was lost on her since I was walking away, but I was certain she caught the bird that I flipped her over my shoulder as I started up the stairs.

~//~

I spent the remainder of my summer away from the house as much as possible, doing whatever… _and whomever… _I could to get the girl out of my fucking head. I covered so much old ground that it felt like I was living in my own fucked up version of 'A Christmas Carol'… only it was called 'A Fucking Carol' and I was stuck chillin' with the Ghost of Fuckings Past, when all I really wanted to do was hang with the Ghost of Fuckings Future. In the end, my four weeks of fucking accomplished nothing and left me feeling every bit like the man-whore my sister had accused me of being… _and maybe a little empty too._

My self-enforced exile caused me to abandon my best friend, his bitch of a sister and my siblings. While I didn't really mind not having to see Rose, I did miss the others… _yes, even Malice._ Of course, that ended as soon as school started since I was unable to find a way to get out of it without consequences and repercussions… _and believe me, I looked into that shit… _so the first day of school eventually came… and I went.

Luck was on my side… for the first half of the day. Naturally, the bitch bailed on me at lunchtime. I was making my way to our usual corner table, and wouldn't you know it, there she was. _Now what the fuck was I supposed to do?_ I flipped a bitch and Lady Luck's kid sister, Casual Chance, showed up in the form of Lauren Mallory. I could think of better things… _and better chicks…_ to do, but I was desperate for entertainment and she was all too willing to provide it.

I gave her the ol' 'Tribiani' as I walked out of the cafeteria and… _three… two... one…_

"Hello, Edward," she drawled, practically tripping over her feet and actually knocking a couple underclassmen down in her haste to get to me… _see, confidence, not conceit._ Falling in step beside me, she asked, "You need help with something?'

_Like shooting fish in a barrel; too easy. _

"Something fell under the seat of my car and my hands are too big to fit. Think you could assist me with that?" I smirked at her, as we exited the door closest to where I parked.

"I'll see what I can manage."

Mallory administered a very thorough oral… _and penile and possibly scrotal…_ exam; I passed with flying colors. She was already starting to turn into a hemorrhoid on my ass when we finished and headed inside. The third period warning bell rang just as we reached the door and I stopped and began fishing in my pockets. Finally finding my pack of gum, I slipped it out.

"Gum?" I offered.

"Um, sure?" It came out as a question, which I found annoying… _I hated girls that asked me what their opinion was; make up your own Goddamn mind… _but I handed her a piece anyway. _She had just sucked my dick, it was the least I could do_.

"Well, I better get to class," I said as I held open the door. She made no attempt to enter so I walked inside. I looked back over my shoulder as the door closed and winked at her. "Thanks for all your help today."

She stood their dumbly as the door closed in her face and I smirked to myself. _I could be a charming, dazzling motherfucker when I wanted to. _That smirk abruptly disappeared as I neared the Biology lab and spotted the bane of my perfectly-happy-until-she-fucking-showed-up existence… GSG. _Grocery Store Girl._ I spent the period in the library hiding at a study table in the back… _Just call me Edward 'Pussy' Cullen. _I headed to my fourth period Spanish class cautiously, but to my relief, all was clear.

~//~

Emmett and Jazz caught up with me before practice that day to tell me what Mike fuckhead Newton… _douchebag_… had done to Bella during her fourth period gym. They were furious, but me… let's just say I was beyond enraged. That kind of shit didn't sit well with me for many reasons… _especially not when it's my g… my sisters best friend…_ and 'Grabby Hands' Newton knew it.

I may have slept with a fucklot of girls, I may in fact have been the man-whore Alice accused me of being, but I was always upfront regarding my intentions. I didn't lead chicks on and I never tricked or groped them or pulled any other skeezy behavior… _other than, you know, the whole stalking the very girl who's honor I was going to defend thing, and even then I only stalked her when she was at my house… maybe a little bit at school, but only because I wanted to avoid her. It's not like out went out of my way to do it. _

"I've had enough of Pervton's bullshit. This isn't the first time he's tried that kind of shit, but it was definitely the ballsiest he's ever been. Its one thing for him to try that shit in a dark theater or a party, but in the middle of class… that's ballsy." Emmet was 20 different shades of agitated, while Jazz remained his normal, cool, calculating self.

He stared at the ground, arms crossed over his chest, his chin pinched between his thumb and forefinger while he listened to Emmett rant… _I could almost see the wheels turning in my friend's head. _He continued to stand silently for a few moments after Em finally shut his pie-hole. Still looking at the ground, he finally began to speak, slowly and quietly, as was his way. _Dude was like a human Quaalude… if it had a long fuse attached to a really fucking large and cunning bomb._

"Well, we could beat the fuck out him now--" he paused and, barely catching my eye, looked up at Em. He was cracking his knuckles while looking for all the world like a villager with a pitchfork in some 'D' vampire movie, only wearing Abercrombie instead of peasant garb, "--get suspended, benched for a couple of games at best, or, at worst, be kicked off the team completely."

Emmett's face fell.

"Or," he looked over at me and we smirked at each other, while Em narrowed his eyes.

"We take care of Newton's dumb ass during practice," I finished for him.

Emmett's eyes got big and then took on a devious gleam while an impish smile appeared on his face. "I hadn't even considered that." _No shit dumbass. _

We all knew that Emmett wasn't the oaf that he appeared to be, but he was good at playing the part… _and he milked that shit for all it was worth_. People underestimated him and it had allowed him to get away with pulling a lot of shit; they just never saw it coming. Unfortunately, he was so hot-headed that it didn't always work. Em's motto was pummel first, pummel some more and then, when no ones left to pummel, try to ask some questions.

The three of us quickly came up with a plan that would be easy to not only carry off, but to get away with while inflicting as much pain as possible… _his grandchildren could be feeling it and it wouldn't be nearly enough to satisfy me. _With the plan finalized, we dressed down, headed out to the field and put the Dickless Wonder through the wringer.

He ended up limping back to the locker room and he was going to a bit sore for a few days, but to my disappointment, nothing that was going to leave a lasting reminder. I'd like to think we would have called it good and been done with him had he managed to not open his stupid fucking mouth, however, I'm not positive that would've been the case.

Of course, we'll never know, because Fuckton couldn't keep his mouth shut. _Nope._ He just could not shut that fucking shit-geyser he called a mouth, which was fine. We were more than willing to shut it for him. _Don't know why he bothered opening it in the first place, he sounded stupid when he did._

Had it just been Emmett and I, it would've been easy to assume that the ass beating he was about to receive was unjustified… _we may have both been a little hot headed. _While we didn't need Jazz's blessing, having him involved was proof that the cum-stain deserved it and we could at least pretend that our reasons for the ass whooping were noble. _Em's probably were and, while mine weren't ignoble, I did have ulterior motives that were muddying up the water of good intentions. _

Due to his sprained ankle, it took Mike longer to shower and change than it did the rest of us so he was the last to leave. With the head coach, who was the only adult still there, off fucking the cheerleading coach… _lucky fucking bastard…_ we weren't worried about getting caught. We waited for Fuckton in the shadows outside the door leading to the parking lot.

It opened and before it even had a chance to close, Emmett had him slammed against the brick wall holding him by the front of his jacket. "Hiya, Mikey. What's shakin', bacon?"

The look on Newton's face was priceless—eyes huge, jaw slack, face pale—the fucktard looked like he was about to shit himself and start crying for his mommy.

"We're gonna have a little chat, Newton," I said succinctly. "Let him go, Em."

Emmett did as I requested and then stepped back. Crossing his arms over his chest, he glowered at Fuckton, who stood there with his back still pressed against the wall. Jazz and I had taken up similar poses, the three of us forming a loose semi-circle around the jackass with me directly in front of him, Jazz to my left…_ cool, calm and collected, with the assured, businesslike equanimity of an assassin…_ and Emmett to my right…_ a raging bull with the precision of a wrecking ball; lacking grace or tact, messy, but he'd get the job done_. He wasn't going anywhere.

…_nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide…_

Mike cockily adjusted his coat, slung his bag back over his shoulder, and puffed out his chest, reminding me of the 'pretty fly for a white guy' phase that Emmett had gone through the year before._ It wasn't pretty… think Vince Vaughan in Be Cool… 'Twinkle, twinkle, Baby! Twinkle, twinkle.'_ I half expected him to at any minute start frontin', all 'What, what?' _Tool._

"You know if you touch me, you're all g-gonna be in serious shit, right?" He asked with faltering bravado. None of us even blinked. "I-I-I could p-press charges, y'know."

"You really think Chief Swan's gonna let you file a complaint when he finds out that you were not only harassing his daughter…"

"…and only child," Jasper interrupted.

My eyes never left Newton. "His only daughter… thank you, Jazz. Do you think we will be in trouble when he learns that you assaulted, and repeatedly harassed his only daughter? We're protecting her from a sexual fucking predator. Do you think we'll get charged for that?"

I was so full of shit. I had no doubts that, substantiated or not, if it came down to fisticuffs and Mike snitched, we would all be in trouble, but I wasn't going to let him know that. I watched his face as my words sunk in and he looked like he was buying it. I started to think that we might get through this whole confrontation without having to throw down which, truth be told, was probably a good thing… _despite how badly I wanted to hit him. _

"Thought so. Stay the fuck away from Bella."

Assuming that we had gotten our point across, we started to walk away and we would have continued… but no, Fuckton had to flap his jaws one more time.

"I don't know what she's been telling you--" he sneered "--but anything that whore got, she asked for."

_He just didn't learn._

I barely registered the look of terror that passed over his face when the three of us turned around. I was faster than the others, so I got there first. Newton barely got one step away before I slammed him back against the wall. Jazz and Em let me have him, but stayed close. I landed several good punches to his stomach… _didn't want to leave any obvious marks… _and then grabbing him by jacket, I slammed him into the wall yet again, and then lifted him up until his toes barely touched the concrete.

"You better make sure that the next time you get anywhere near her, she really does ask for it and that you have a witness to back you up, or so help me fucking God, I will fuck you up so badly that your own mother will be too disgusted to look at you," I growled through clenched teeth.

I set him down and turned to leave, but then changing my mind, I pivoted and landed one last body shot that would have crumpled him had it not been for the wall.

He gasped and sputtered and then choked out, "Oh, you can bet she'll beggin' for it, Cullen. She was last night when I was…" _Thwack!_

He didn't think I would do it… _had he forgotten what they say about assumptions…_ but at that moment I couldn't help myself. I landed one… _pow…_ right in the kisser, and two on his cheek before my boys could pull me off of him. Mike slid down the wall, cowering when I nearly got away from my handlers… _I wanted to rip the shithead's arms off and then beat him to death with them._

"I don't wan to have this conversation with you again, Newton, you stupid fuck. You better not fucking make me."

Newton finally had the sense to keep his yapper closed and I shook off Em and Jazz. I turned away from the asshole on crumpled on the ground and I stalked across the parking lot to my car with my brothers flanking me.

We were almost near our rides when Emmett finally broke the silence and tension… _somewhat_. "What the fuck came over you, little bro? I knew you could handle yourself, but you just went all Deebo on his ass… you know before Craig whooped his ass."

Acting just like Smokey, Emmett spun to look at Newton and shouted, "You got knocked… the fuck out! Boo-ya!"

"You all right?" He asked suddenly at my side and serious.

"Yeah, Eddie? You okay man? I mean you were pretty fucking incensed back there man." _No shit, Jazz?_

"Just back the fuck off. I'm fine, alright? I'm fucking fine." I shouted before hopping into my car. "I'm going for a drive. I'll be home later."

I peeled out of the parking lot in a cloud of smoke, and took off with no destination in mind. I just drove. I needed to get myself under control, and figure out what that fucking girl was doing to me. I tried convincing myself that she had nothing to do with me losing my cool, but it was bullshit. Fuck my life… _please_?

~//~

Following the same routine as the first day—arrive late, go straight to class, lunch in my car with Mallory, skip third period, etc.—the first week of school passed by quicker than I thought possible. I was able to chill at home more since the girl took Fuckton's position at his parents' store after school. Newton didn't say a word about how he acquired his bruises and if anyone suspected Jazz, Em, or me, not a word was said.

When Friday rolled around, I realized that I had somehow managed to avoid the girl for her first five weeks in Forks, but I also realized that I couldn't hide forever. After all, I was only going to get away with skipping Biology for so long before my parents found out or I failed the class. So, when Alice cornered me in my car during third period about the annual Back-To-School party, I said fuck it. _Might as well get it over with, right?_

She launched into her usual tirade and then started muttering under her breath about how she never saw me anymore and how she, "… kinda, sorta, maybe missed me a little bit even if I was a dick in general when I was around."

"Fine, Alice…," I sighed, "…I'll come, but with the following stipulations—I'm going out tonight and I'm not helping you with setup or cleanup."

She pouted a little bit, thinking I might relent or be guilted into helping, but no such luck… _our agreement regarding the girl was rendering her guilt trips impotent._ She exited my car in a huff and then leaned back in for a parting jibe.

"Oh, by the way, Blowjob Betty and the skank drones aren't invited. So I'd go ahead and plan on getting your fill of her… well, I would make sure that she gets her fill of you today. Later."

~//~

I should have known that bringing Blowjob Be… er, Lauren, back to my house that night wasn't the greatest idea I'd ever had, but I blame it on my pussy whipped brother and best friend who were too busy _being _all pussy whipped to do anything with me after practice. Had they been around I wouldn't have ended up in the woods drinking beers with some of the guys from the team and, subsequently, I wouldn't have ran into Lauren, and it could have all turned out differently… _I suppose._

I didn't particularly care for Lauren Mallory, but she was a decent lay with a great mouth, and I could always count on her to provide me with a little relief… _and I had many times over the years._ I definitely needed some that Friday if I was going to survive the party, but not wanting to have a quick fuck in my car, I defied Alice's orders and made the epically stupid decision to bring her home. _I have _got_ to stop thinking with my dick._

I snuck her in through the front door and sent her straight up to my room while I ran to the kitchen to grab a couple bottles of water. The first floor of the house was pitch black, but I resisted the urge to turn on a light and my eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness. A rather loud moan came from upstairs and I chuckled. At nearly the same time, a stair from the case at the end of the hall groaned under someone's weight… _the girl…_ and I paused, halfway exposed.

She suddenly gasped and the chuckle still on my lips abruptly twisted into a strangled gasp of my own as I realized that she was tumbling down the stairs. She caught the handrail, righted herself, and made it the remainder of the way down the stairs without incident. I stepped back into the sitting room to wait for her to pass by so that I could return to my room without being seen, but no.

She walked past wearing practically nothing and… I was lost, in a fog, and no longer in charge. I don't think I can be held responsible for my actions… _but Officer, it's not my fault I mounted her. She was wearing a wife beater and these matching panties that hugged her hips and exposed just hint of the underside of each perfect asscheek._ Yeah, somehow I don't think that would get me off… _but the Chief's daughter in those panties… Fuck!_

My promise to Alice, Lauren waiting for me upstairs, the fact that I was no good for her—none of it mattered. My feet carried me silently to the kitchen behind her. I'm not sure what my intentions were, I obviously hadn't thought about it… _which was the problem. _I don't think I planned on her seeing me, but she did and then she was falling and she was in my arms and it was both heaven…

…_been dazed and confused…_

…her delicate body pressed against me…

…_for so long it's not true…_

…dark, melted chocolate drowning me…

…_wanted a woman…  
_

…the flush covering her soft, supple skin…

…_never bargained for you…_

…her puckered nipples pressing into my chest…

…_lots of people talk and few of them know…_

…her breathing speeding up as my lips slowly drew closer to hers…

…_soul of a woman was created below...  
_

… right up until the spell was broken by Lauren's irritating voice, and then it was hell. _Fuck my life. _

_...sweet little baby, I want you again._

I couldn't decide what pissed me off more—the fact that our kiss had been interrupted… _when her lips were so fucking close_… that I had nearly broken my promise to Ali, or that I had attempted to kiss her in the first place. I spent five weeks trying to build up a tolerance to her, sneaking into her room at night… _on occasion, fucking creeper…_ watching her discreetly… _creeper… _and all the control I had thought I had built failed me the moment I was near her. That she had seemed entirely too receptive didn't do anything to help it either.

"I'm coming Lauren," I called out loud enough for her to hear me. There was no love lost between Lauren and the girl, the last thing I wanted was for her to come down here and make a scene. Although it would probably go a long way toward keeping the girl away from me, for some reason I just couldn't do it… _I didn't want, couldn't stand the thought of, her hating me any more than necessary. _

I allowed myself one lingering moment with her, one last glance where I tried to tell her with my eyes that I was sorry, and in a desperate bid to discourage any attraction to me… _this was for her own good…_ I channeled my inner asshole… _which didn't take to much effort, trust._ I fled the kitchen, pausing for one more look at her before I rushed upstairs to my room. My last image was of her clutching the counter, hurt and frustration written on her face and evident in the slump of her shoulders, and it broke me a little bit. At that moment, I knew that Alice was right—I would only hurt the girl.

_Why do we always hurt the ones we love? _Whoa! Who the fuck said anything about love? I wasn't in love with her. Fuck! I didn't even know her. That was the first time I had ever spoken to her. I was not in love with her… _but I could see how easy it would be to fall._ Annoyance. Irritation. Self-disgust. They all battled for dominance and I barely bothered hiding it as I approached Lauren on the stairs.

"Where's the water, Eddie?" I must not have done a very good job at masking my emotions because I didn't even have time to open my mouth before she blurted out, "What's the matter, baby?"

"Nothing, and we were out," I ground out through my teeth, my annoyance with her rising. I snagged her upper arm as I passed her and towed her behind me at a fast clip.

"Ouch! You don't have to be so rough… at least not right now, lover. Save it for the bedroom." Trying for seductive, she sounded anything but. "What's got you so pissed off, Eddie? You run into your bitch of a sister?

"First of all, it's Ed-Ward, Lauren, not Eddie. And second, don't _ever _call my sister a bitch again," I said vehemently.

She shut her mouth and thankfully remained quiet the rest of the way to my room while I attempted to gain a modicum of control over myself. Once there, I pulled her into my room and pushed her against the wall next to the door. I kicked the door closed and then attacked her mouth, kissing her roughly as I channeled all of the anger and anguish that I had been unable to harness into the act.

Imagining the girl I had just callously left rather than the girl I was with, I kept my eyes closed. The brief moments that I had with the angel in the kitchen played in my head. I tugged Lauren over to my couch… _I didn't fuck chicks in my bed…_ anxious to fuck her so that I could send her on her way. She was apparently as anxious as I was, although I suspect for a different reason, and she reached for my jeans as we stumbled toward our destination.

She lowered my zipper, shoved my pants down and then shoved me backwards onto the couch. She promptly dropped to her knees in front of me and swallowed my dick. _Oh, fuck me! Soooo much better than getting head in my car. _She might be a total cunt and fucking dumb as a box of rocks, but so long as she was getting my rocks off, so fucking what, and Goddamn could the girl suck cock! _Like a motherfucking Hoover._

"Ohhhhhh, fuck. Yesssssss," I hissed out, causing Lauren to increase her efforts.

Any vestiges of my earlier ire dissipated as I succumbed to the sensations coursing through my body. All of my attention was on my johnson and I knew I wasn't going to last long. I resisted the urge to grab a handful of her hair and fuck her face, but I couldn't entirely still my hips. Small grunts and moans from me punctuated the quiet, and as I grew more vocal, Lauren joined in.

The vibrations from her, 'mmmm's' and 'uh huh's' added to the pleasure I was receiving from her mouth and my orgasm drew closer. When she took me all the way down her throat and reached up to gently squeeze my balls, I was done. I couldn't stop my self from palming her head and pumping into her mouth once, twice, before…

"Fuck me! Oh, God. Ooooh! Fuck, Bella." My eyes were still tightly closed and, combined with the all-encompassing pleasure starting to wash over me, it was like my own isolation chamber. Only instead of darkness and nothing, I was immersed in the girl, and not the one sucking me off.

She flooded, pervaded, and permeated my senses. Images of her in her little panties and tight tank top filled my head. I could feel the warmth of her against me. Her cloying scent still swirled around me thick and heady so that I could practically taste her on my tongue. Her labored breaths reverberated in my ears. Then both my swelling pleasure and my already swollen cock burst and…

…I shot my load straight down Lauren's throat.

It wasn't until I started coming down that I realized I had called out the wrong name_._ I hoped that my low cries had been hoarse enough that Lauren hadn't heard. Thinking on my feet… _which was quite remarkable, considering…_ I pulled Lauren up and shoved her onto her back on the empty expanse of couch beside me as soon as she released me from her mouth.

At the same time, I fluidly shifted until I was resting on my knees between her legs with my upper body hovering over her. I brought my lips to her jaw briefly and then proceeded to get both of us naked, distracting her with teasing touches, before diving head first between her thighs and sucking, nibbling, licking and stroking her through several orgasms. Our sex session culminated with her riding me.

My room… _and quite possibly the house, she was a fucking screamer…_ echoed with our moans and groans and 'fucks' and 'Gods' and pants. Lauren squalled out my name as she came and I loudly cried out…

"Bel-la!"

_Fuck. _

_Me._

~//~

In the middle of her orgasm, Lauren went completely rigid and I knew that I was totally fucked. No way in hell was there a chance that she hadn't heard me that time… _I was loud enough that the residents in Forks proper probably heard me._ I didn't know what she was going to do, but I couldn't imagine that it was going to be good. Lauren wasn't exactly the most levelheaded person I'd ever met. I wasn't just concerned with myself, I worried for the girl too.

It was no secret that Lauren couldn't stand her, and she did have a bit of a vindictive streak. My first instinct was to apologize, but the little devil that suddenly appeared on my shoulder was whispering in my ear, 'You are Edward motherfucking Cullen. You don't apologize to any bitches. Shit, son, that bitch is lucky you fucked the shit out of her in the first place.' _Just me, or did he sound like he was from South Central?_

The angel that should've been on my other shoulder was conspicuously absent. _What, did he get stuck in traffic or something? This is kind of important shit here. I could use his input. _I was intelligent enough to know that listening to the horned guy usually got me in trouble_… although, I almost always listen to him, but still… _I wanted to be like Fox News, 'Fair and Balanced.' Therefore, I did nothing. Turns out it was the wrong choice.

I leaned forward and attempted to kiss her…_ hoping to shut her up, not gonna lie…_ but she would have none of that. Her hands slapped against my chest. Pushing me away, she snapped out, "I don't fucking think so, Eddie!"

She pushed herself off me, turned the lights on, and then stormed around my room snatching up her clothes. She dressed herself as she found each article of clothing, yelling at me the entire time. I completely tuned her out and honestly had no clue what she was saying. I just sat there, staring at the floor, pissy that she killed my post-orgasmic buzz. _The night had gone right into the shitter…things had been going so good too._

Lauren realized that I was completely ignoring her and went ballistic. Wanting to make sure she had my undivided attention, the bitch… _she_ picked up the closest object that she wasn't trying to put back on her person and threw it at me. My size fucking 12 shoe hit me dead in the center of my chest. My reaction time being somewhat delayed, it bounced off my chest and landed… right on my very sensitive skonge.

"Jesus fucking Christ Lauren! What the fuck?" I reached down and started grabbing at the articles of clothing littering the floor nearby. Finally locating a pair of boxers, I slipped them on, stood up and then promptly suffered from an episode of selective amnesia… _because after all, I am a man._

"What the fuck was that for?" I demanded.

When she rolled her eyes and cackled at me, I began to fear for my safety. I started to walk over to her, hands up in the air letting her know I came in peace, as she crouched down on the floor to tie her shoe. _Thwack! _Another shoe pelted me, but this time I was standing up and caught it. I tossed it behind me and backed away from the crazy chick kneeling on my floor.

The pussy-ass angel finally decided to make an appearance… _you're about two fucking minutes too late, pal…_ and started telling me to backpedal like a mofo'. _Danger, Will Robinson, danger. _The devil joined him and said, 'Brah, I'd listen to the dude if you wanna keep your nuts.' _Now he's a surfer? Does he have a personality disorder? Just askin'…not that I was inclined to argue with his logic._ I wasn't sure what to say, but words came pouring out of my mouth regardless and I just hoped that I was saying the right shit.

"I'm sorry, alright? I really am. I didn't mean to say that. I don't even know why I said it. I've never even met the girl," I pleaded. _Lying liar._

Apparently that wasn't the right shit, because that set the bitch off… and I do mean bitch. I always knew that Lauren could be a bitch, but I didn't know to just what extent. I would have preferred to not have the knowledge… _it was neither pleasant nor pretty. _Lauren 'please fuck me and provide me with a sense of self worth' Mallory had disappeared only to be replaced by the demon/banshee that stood before me.

_Thud!_

"Ouch, Lauren! God damn it! That hurt." C_rash!_ "Would you please quit throwing things?" _Bang!_ "I said I was sorry. Baby…" _Thud!_

"Don't you 'Baby' me, Edward Cullen. How dare you call me someone else's name while you're fucking me?"

"I ignored it the first time, when I was giving you a blowjob, because I wasn't quite sure what you had said." She was standing up now and was ripping stuff off my desk to throw at me "But then, when you shouted it out again while you had me bent over the arm of your couch, you expect me to act like it didn't happen? You son of a bitch! How dare you, you… you… you _jackass_!"

She ripped out one of my desk drawers and hurled the contents of it at me, followed promptly by the drawer itself. It narrowly missed me as I dove toward my bed to grab a blanket to use as a shield. When I stood back up wielding it, she had an evil glint in her eyes and her mouth twisted into a malicious sneer. She purposefully headed toward my wall of music… _and I started backpedaling like I was Lance Armstrong in rewind._

"I'm sorry. I am really, really sorry. Let me make it up to you, baby. Please? Come on Lauren, why don't you come over here and I'll make up for it?" I attempted my trademark smirk, but the fear and worry that was in my eyes fucked jammed up my stungunnin' ways. _What, I know Lady Gaga. You should always stakeout and do reconnaissance on your quarry and chicks dig that shit._

"Lauren… come on, baby…," my voice quavered and she knew she had me by the short and curlies "…lets not do anything we might regret later."

"I definitely won't regret this, you piece of…" I wasn't aware of the rest of her diatribe because she pulled a handful of CDs from a shelf and chucked them at my head, causing me to seek cover behind my blanket like a pussy. _She better hope none of my discs get ruined, or despite my stance on violence toward women, I will be taking it out of her fucking hide._

For the next several seconds… minutes… who knew how long, she grabbed handfuls of CDs and launched them at me while I played Pop Goes the Weasel behind my 'shield'.

To my relief, her squawking and wailing finally started moving away from my music collection toward the door. _Thank the Gods of Rock and Roll. _

"My name is Lauren, Edward. Lauren, not Bella! Why don't you go fuck that stupid whore, 'cause you are not going to be fucking me anymore!" She screamed before opening the door… _no fucking shit, you crazy whore…_ and revealed none other than my evil twin along with her fucktard of a boyfriend and my former best friend.

She reached over to the edge of the shelf for another handful of CDs… _from the H section of the the 70s collection…_ and tossed them at me while Alice continued to roll on the floor in a fit of laughter, and Jazz leaned against the wall trying unsuccessfully to hide his own belly-laughs. _Bring on the humiliation, thanks. _

Lauren whirled around and slinked out the door, tossing a final withering glance at me over her shoulder and shrieking, "Don't call me!"

Lauren paused just outside my door and looked between Alice, who was still on the floor, but thankfully no longer rolling around, and Jasper.

She-Who-I-Wished-I-Had-Strangled-In-the-Womb looked up at her and sweetly said, "Morning, Lauren. What seems to be the problem?"

Of course, Jasper nearly guffawed up a lung over that shit.

"Al—," I warned, "—not helping."

"Shove it up your ass, Alice. You too, Edward," Lauren snipped.

"Now, now, Lauren. That's no way to talk to the guy who's dick were just sucking, is it?" Always one to stir up a hornets nest, my sister is.

A god-awful sound erupted from Lauren before she stormed down the hall. "Arghhhhhhhhhh!"

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Mallory." I was thinking it, but I had the decency… _and enough self-preservation…_ to not say it out loud. The slamming door reverberating through the house broke the silence, at which time Alice questioned, "What was that, brother dear?"

I glared at her as I stomped toward the door and slammed it right in her deceptively cute little face.

"Don't think that we aren't talking about this later, Edward," she called out before I heard her and Jazz retreat to the lair from whence they came.

_What a fucking night!_ I sighed and ruffled my hair before collapsing onto my couch in the same spot where I had been fucking Lauren and surveyed the damage. _Fuck me. Way to go, Cullen._

~//~

I'm not a completely insensitive douchebag. I did feel bad for calling out another girl's name while fucking Lauren… _only a little though…_ but did it really warrant her destroying my room? We weren't in a relationship… _we weren't even technically fuck buddies._

I sat amid the destruction caused by Hurricane Lauren, weighed down by the forthcoming conversation that I did not want to have with my sister, and tried to figure out where to start with the cleanup. I bagged, and instead decided to go down to the kitchen for the bottle of water that I hadn't grabbed earlier.

I was half-hoping she would be there, but she wasn't. Although if she had been there it would have meant that she had overheard Wrong-Name-gate, and no one wanted that. I grabbed my water and took my usual circuitous route past her room when I headed back to mine. Guilt was eating me up, but when I walked past her room and heard her little whimpers and moans, it turned into irrational anger.

Why the fuck was she making those noises? Did she have someone in there? _How fucking dare she be so open, complicit, to my advanc… to whatever had occurred in the kitchen, when she was no more able to follow through than I was? _Who the fuck was touching my girl? Was she thinking of me? I knew I had no right to be angry and it certainly wasn't right that I was listening, but I couldn't bring myself to walk away. Being the masochist that I was, I pressed my ear to her door.

My hands clenched into fists. I was seconds away from tearing the door down and beating the shit out of my unknown rival when I heard the most fuckawesome sound.

"Ed-waaaard!"

I felt… exultant? Victorious? It didn't matter. She had moaned _my_ name as she came.

When I didn't hear anything aside from her whimpers slowly decreasing in pitch until they became self-satisfied gurgles of pleasure, I unconsciously reached down and twisted the knob. _The door knob, not _my_ knob. _Unaware of the stupidity I was about to commit until I had just started to commit it, I pushed on the door. I stopped, but had opened it just enough that I could make her out if I squinted… _and I most certainly did._

I couldn't believe my eyes, but I also couldn't see very well. Taking a risk, I opened the door wider. _She really was asleep._ I vacillated between fulfilling her dream and doing the right thing… _what would Spike Lee do…_ but fuck me, I didn't know if I could. Walking away would be easier if I couldn't see her, so I bit my lip and dropped my eyes to the floor. My eyes never made it there. They were stopped en route by the new view afforded them when she rolled from her side onto her back.

The blankets were a tangled heap around her legs, and one arm was above her head, gripping the headboard. As hot as seeing her stretched out and on display was, it was her other hand that had my blood boiling and my dick 20 different kinds of hard. It was pushed down the front of those sexy, fucking, cheek-revealing panties, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the vixen was doing.

On top of it, her tight shirt had ridden up… _or been pushed up…_ sometime during her nocturnal masturbation session, revealing most of her pale-skinned, pink-tipped, perfect tits. I could hardly control myself, but I did and I managed… _barely_… to get myself back to my room. The second the door was locked behind me, I whipped out my billy club and put it to work. I came within seconds, and fell asleep with a smile on my face and the dulcet sound of my name on her lips as she moaned in ecstasy.

~//~

When I went downstairs to the dining room the next morning, I knew that it was going to be a shit day. Alice was just giving me that look. I carefully avoided looking at the girl while under the watchful eye of my sister, but when she moved my eyes were drawn to her without consent. I really hoped that no one would mention the elephant in the room… _or the one in my pants… _but Malice had to force the issue in that callous way of hers.

"Edward, have you met Bella yet?"

I am really not sure where I went, but a person—who looked like me, sounded like me, possessed the same mannerisms as me, but wasn't me—started speaking. Random words were spewing from his mouth…_ totally not pulling off my suave motherfucker persona…_ and it just got worse from there. I felt like I was witnessing a vehicle careening off course in a parking lot and about to hit someone. Right in front of my sister, the impostor flirted with Bella…_ awkwardly, I might add. _

When she attempted to pass by me, the delicious scent of her twisting around me, knocked all the sense from my fucking head. The impostor resumed control again and trapped her against the wall. He ran my nose along her jawline, the strawberry and freesia smell of her was concentrated there, potent, lethal, and it sent me reeling.

I remembered the way her bouquet permeated my fucking car, driving me crazy, for the longest time after Alice and her had gone shopping. The strawberry scent was easy to pick up on, but I couldn't quite figure out what the light floral scent was. Until one day, I went out to the garden to tell my mother I was leaving and I smelled it. I looked around in confusion, but when I didn't see the girl I asked my mother. _Freesia,_ she had said.

My tongue darted out before I could stop it. I had to know if she tasted the way she smelled… _mmmm, better. So much better_.Sanity returned suddenly and I was appalled to find myself practically dryhumping her… _back away from the girl…_ but she softened her body against mine and a soft gasp left her lips and the impostor took the helm. He whispered some bullshit in her ear… _okay, I'll admit that shit was pretty fucking smooth… _and things were going well… until Alice cockblocked us_. _

Busted. The spiteful sprite knew exactly what she was doing and I knew I was going to be hearing about it, I just didn't know when.

~//~

Sure enough she caught me trying to sneak down to the game room…_ hiding in a place with no easy exits was a total horror flick chick move…_ and lit into me as soon as she was sure we were alone.

"Where are you running off to in such a hurry?" Like a mouse cornered by a cat, I was trapped, but at least she was trying to make a joke of it. "Have a good time with Debbie Dicklicker last night? It sounded like it was memorable for her."

_What was I worried about?_

"Well, I try to make sure they all leave satisfied," I quipped.

_And then her bitch switch flipped._

"What the fuck was that shit last night, Edward? You what, attacked her in the kitchen, got interrupted and then fucked Lauren while pretending she was Bella?"

"No!" _Kinda, but it sounded so bad the way she said it._

"Oh, so no you didn't call her Bella? Your whorey girlfriend was just making that up then?"

"No…"

"Well, which is it? Yes, you did call the skank the wrong name or no, you weren't pretending she was Bella?"

"Would you just shut the fuck up, Alice?" I finally shouted. "No, I did not attack her in the kitchen. I went in there to grab some water, scared her, and then kept her from cracking her head on the floor. Yes, I did call Lauren by the wrong name, but no, I wasn't thinking about your friend while I was fucking Lauren; it just slipped out. And Lauren isn't my fucking girlfriend. Satisfied now?"

We both knew I was lying… _about most of it, but not the girlfriend part._ She looked at the ceiling for a moment, sighed and then looked back at me.

"Okay, you know what, we don't have time for this shit so let me make this simple."

"It's about fucking time," I sighed.

"I asked for one simple thing—don't fuck with Bella-- stay away if you had to, but can you do that? Nooooo. Look, I don't know what exactly happened between you and Bella last night and I don't really care... so long as it doesn't happen again. Bella asked me to let it go, so for her sake I will, but you, Edward Cullen, will stay the fuck out of her pants if you want to keep little Edward…"

_Little? Oh no she did not just insult us! Little Edward? My dick was King Cock, Cockasaurus Rex, Jizzus Christ… _that might be pushing it… _what it most certainly wasn't was little._

"Alice, he's hardly little."

"… attached. Capisce?"

"Jesus Christ, Al, you act like I will fuck anything with legs and a pussy!" _Only if the girl attached to those legs and that pussy was hot… or at least moderately attractive and a last resort. _I really was a shallow dick… _and man whore was looking more and more likely._

"That was a crass way of saying it but yes, I do. You've already fucked everything in Forks that's not related to you or dating your brother. I finally have a friend who likes me for me, don't ruin this for me."

"I already told you I wouldn't touch her. Fuck! I've followed your orders for over a month and I will keep on following them, I owe you that much, but it's getting more difficult to avoid her now that school has started and she practically lives here…"

"No one said you had to avoid her! You can even be her friend, just stay the fuck out of her pants. Got it? Good."

Alice grabbed my wrist and tried dragging me behind her, but my feet were welded to the floor. _I didn't need to avoid her? I could be her friend?_ Why the fuck didn't she tell me that a month ago? I don't want to be her friend though, and after what almost happened last night in the kitchen… _and what did happen while I was… busy in my room…_ I should continue avoiding her. _But maybe I could be her friend_, I thought when my feet finally decided to obey Alice only to stop immediately.

"Oh, God! You scared the piss out of me. I was just looking for you." _Fuck._

I discreetly glanced around me trying to formulate an escape plan in vain… _in vain because my toxic twin still gripped my arm_. Unable to escape, I stared at the ground, the wall, nefarious Alice, anything that wasn't GSG. I wasn't prepared to be around her; I hadn't come up with a plan. Plus, I had been a bit of a dick earlier when I trapped her against the wall and sniffed her… _I don't know what that had been about, but oh God! She had smelled so _fucking good. Plus, I was sporting wood . Great.

"Sorry, Bella," Alice said giggling like a fucking tween at a fucking Britney Spears concert.

"S'okay. What have you guys been up to?"

"Discussing the party plans. Edward here volunteered to…"

~//~

I was on auto-pilot from that point on, trying to solve the riddle standing before me and not really listening to what the fractious fey was saying. I wasn't even aware of what came out of my mouth or what I had agreed to. Unless it had to do with _her_, then I was all ears. I decided that wasn't going to let her run me out of my life or my house, I just needed to desensitize myself to her, but the evil one tried to cockbl… _ruin_ my plans.

"Give Bella your keys before you get started."

~//~

I tried to get my way, GSG even unknowingly tried to aid me, although I suspect we both had completely different reasons for doing so, but resistance was futile. Alice had clearly had enough of our antics and was about to let us know it, but then the doorbell rang… _proving that the universe was clearly against me and on my sister's side_… and the girl was looking at me… _awkward_. Not really seeing any way out of it, I gave in.

"All right then. Let's go get my keys."

She didn't attempt to follow me. Maybe I was being too forward or she was uncomfortable being alone with me again… _she did have a right to be._ I mean I certainly could have brought them down to her, but I didn't know when or if I would get another opportunity to be alone with her, and if I was going to be 'friends' with her, then I needed to fix things between us…_ which meant I needed to suck it up and eat crow._

"You coming?" I asked her over my shoulder. She nodded and followed me up, both of us silent.

She stayed at least five steps behind me the entire way to my room. That I was aware of that fact and that her presence consumed all of my thoughts should have been the first indication that being friends with her was not going to be an easy feat, but I chose to ignore it. I was Edward fucking Cullen, I was good at everything. It was only natural to assume that I would be good at this as well. _Wrong._

She stood stiffly in the center of my room looking anywhere but at me, apologizing for my sister, and trying to get out of taking my car. The last thing I wanted was her running away from me, so I thought for a moment before speaking, choosing my words carefully.

"No, no, it's fine really. Bella…" My always fluid voice broke as I said her name for quite possibly the first time that didn't include me having an orgasm and I cleared my throat, "… um, I-I'm sorry… for last night."

The next thing I knew, she crossed my room and perched on the edge of my bed with her arms crossed and her big eyes peering up at me from beneath her long, obsidian lashes. _Dude, the gayness is coming through again. _I'm sure I looked like I was glaring at her when I saw her and froze. _Maybe I was a little, but was she trying to fucking kill me or get herself attacked?_

Sitting on my bed, where I had fantasized seeing her so many times, she was Delilah, Lorelai, a femme fatale, and I was certain that she would be the death of me. I forced my eyes away from her and saw the glint of something shiny. My keys. _Thank fucking God._

"Wow! Some mess you got here, Cullen."

I had forgotten about Hurricane Lauren, but her offhand comment had me convinced that she was aware of it. My face flamed… _what the fuck? _I turned my back to her and scowled at the floor. Edward fucking Cullen doesn't fucking blush_._ _Dude, I'd beg to differ because you, um, just did._ I slid my carefully cultivated mask in place and turned around, holding my keys out to her in offering, and said, "Keys?"

She jumped up, looking angry and slightly confused, skulking toward me and ripping the keys from my finger. _Ouch! _As she passed me, she whispered in a thick, rough voice, "Apology accepted."

_No!_ This was not how this was supposed to go. I grabbed her without thinking and jerked her to a stop. I held my breath against the surge of energy that I felt every time we touched. I couldn't pass if off as static electricity this time, but I couldn't think about it just then. I sighed and found myself reverting back to an old and fucking irritating nervous habit of pinching the bridge of my nose that I had thought myself broken of… _guess not._

Neither of us said anything for a long moment as our eyes flitted back and forth between our point of contact and the others face. Trying to sear it into my brain because I wanted to remember the way my hand looked around her tiny wrist, I allowed my eyes to return once more to our hands, and then I released her. I felt my forehead crinkle as my eyebrows knit together, and I shook my head slowly, struggling to regain my sanity and maybe some coherency…_ if it's not too much to ask?_

"Wait," I called out in desperation. Still trying to find any words, my jaw hung open.

"Spit it out, Cullen. I don't have all day. Your sister is wound up tighter than Tinkerbell on crack and she is likely to go Bruce Lee on me if I am not out of here _tout suite_…"

My mouth opened and closed a few times, but still nothing.

"Well," she asked, clearly perturbed with my behavior.

"Just give me a minute…" I pleaded, closing my eyes and searching for the right words… _or any words, really._ Finally, something came to me and the words rushed out of my mouth. "I really am sorry about last night. My behavior was atrocious. I would really like the chance to start over and maybe we could be friends?"

"Sure, Edward… friends it is."

We shook on it and I briefly pondered the letdown I felt at her almost eager acceptance of _my_ offer of friendship. I pushed the feeling aside, ignored the pressure in my chest… _although I did make another mental note to self about scheduling a doctor's appointment in the near future…_ and returned my focus back to the task at hand—smoothing things over with the girl.

"Friends," I replied.

She walked away, turning around and walking backwards as she thanked me for the use of my car… _and possibly checking me out. _A smirk crossed my face at the thought and I brought my eyes to hers. _Yup, totally checking me out._ I discreetly flexed, turned the heat up on my smirk and was rewarded when her eyes glazed over slightly.

She stumbled and fell through the doorway, barely managing to stay upright. Her face turned a particularly alluring shade of scarlet and I couldn't stop my smile. She turned on her heel, a glare on her face, and fled down the hall. I laughed loudly, liking the fact that I had some kind of effect on her, even if it was just the ability to turn her into a bumbling wonder.

I should have known that it wouldn't last.

~//~

We had gotten along great for the remainder of the afternoon while we 'helped'… _yeah, I did the gay-ass air quotes…_ Alice finish preparing for the party, but I managed to revert to my usual prickish self and insult her again before the party started. Alice either chose to ignore my behavior or she didn't notice it; I was willing to bet it was the former.

Judging from the glare I received from Emmett and the strange look from Jazz, my boys definitely noticed. I caught Jazz's eye after Bella stormed out and he just shook his head at me and then followed her outside to the bar with Calice in tow. I meandered toward the door after the rest of them had exited and leaned up against the frame like the standoffish prick I was being, and watched GSG pour shots.

She gave a toast and our eyes locked as we tipped our shots back. The ringing doorbell shattered the moment. Just as I managed to pull my eyes away to answer the door, my sister… _looking like a toddler on crack…_ beat me to it. I meandered to the far side of the patio opposite the bar feeling awkward and alone, but not for long as Jazz appeared beside me with two beers.

"You wanna talk about it, man?"

"Talk about what, Jazz?" I asked with a sigh. Jazz scoffed and shook his head again before taking a pull of his beer. "What the fuck is with all the head shaking at me tonight? Now what the fuck have I done? Hmmm? Enlighten me, Obi-Wan."

"If that's how you want to play it, that's cool. Y'know… if you weren't like blood to me, I would seriously knock you on your ass. When are you gonna grow the fuck up, Cullen, and stop fucking around? I expect better of you, but so far you have failed to deliver. Don't fuck it up this time. You stand to do worse than disappoint me. Don't hurt either of them, man. That's all I am gonna say. Good talk."

I had a frown on my face as he clinked our bottles together and walked off to join the warden.

…_and it starts sometime around midnight…_

Still frowning, I tipped my bottle back and took a long pull of the cheap brew, then looked down at the ground. I finished that beer and drained three others before I looked up again noticing that the party had filled up and it was fully dark.

…_or at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two…_

Looking around for the girl, I spotted her sitting at the bar with a bottle of Patron and a single shot glass, and watched as she clumsily poured a shot and slammed it back. Emmett was behind the bar, but didn't appear to be paying much attention to the girl, so I began to make my way over to her. Someone should make sure she didn't drink herself into oblivion.

I never did make it. I got swarmed by the bobblehead brigade and then got totally jammed up by… Kristen, Kaitlyn, Ashlyn… Ashley…? Whatever the fuck her name was. She tried drawing me into a conversation. I grunted all my replies to her hoping she would get the hint, but she seriously would not shut the fuck up. I glanced around the crowd and found Bell… the girl still at the bar.

…_a__s you stand under the bar-lights…_

Jasper was next to her and she was no longer bellied up to the bar pounding back shots of Patron like a cowboy in a saloon. Not that I cared what she did or whom she did it with, I just didn't want to see her be taken advantage of by one of these douchenozzles. I looked around and could name at least a half a dozen people at this little soiree who were known for doing exactly that.

I perused the crowd again before letting my eyes settle on her… on Bella. I got a warm feeling in my chest when I discovered that she was looking at me too. We stared heatedly at each other for… who the fuck knows how long before I caught that dumbfuck Jasper smirking at me out of the corner of my eye. Feigning insouciance, I tipped my beer at him, but never took my eyes off her.

Ashley still hadn't shut up. Hoping to encourage it, I pulled her toward me and whispered something in her ear but it doesn't work. Nothing I tried did… _the girl is obviously stupid._ I just didn't have the patience to talk to her any longer so I pulled away; I was done. As soon as I did, I felt a tall, slender form press against my side and hot breath on my ear.

"Long time no see. Miss me Eddie?" She drawled… _Vickie…_ and then nipped at my earlobe as she pulled back with a sultry smile in place.

…_and the band plays some song about forgetting yourself for a while…_

I almost groaned outloud and my pants got just a little bit tighter in the crotchal region. Fuck me, that shit was hot. _What about GSG? _The thought came before I could stop it, and I reminded myself that I couldn't have her, but I could have… _and had already had…_ Victoria.

…_if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with…_

Vic caught my eye and, I'm not gonna lie, I perused the goods. My dick grew even fucking harder when I took in what she was wearing, or rather, what she _wasn't_ wearing.

"Is that what they are passing off as shorts nowadays or is it just a P.A. thing? How's it going Vic? You're looking…" I paused and gave her a slow lingering appraisal (and of course, being the cockhound that she was, she ate that shit up) "…rather well, I must say."

She licked her lips at looked me straight on… _there was no fucking around with her, she was like me with a pussy and tits and I had to admit, it turned me on…_ before continuing to make innuendo-filled conversation. Completely captivated by the siren in front of me, I forgot all about Ashley's… _pretty sure that was her name…_ existence, much less presence.

…_b__ut you know that _she's_ watching…_

I did not, however, forget about Bella's. I inwardly apologized to her… _fuck, I was doing it for her own good…_ and tried to focus on Victoria. I felt a presence suddenly hovering over us and looked up to see James Hunter, her step-brother. _Where there's fire, smoke is bound to billow._ I knew he was there; Ashley had been chatting with him before spotting me and bailing on him… _she might be dumb, but she has taste._ I knew it pissed him off, but he would never let me know.

He was competitive with me, but where his step-sister was concerned, he was he was insane. They had some sick, Cruel Intentions-type relationship that was really fucking… that shit just wasn't right. I don't think they were fucking, but it pissed him off to no end that I had fucked her. She led him on, but continually denied him any of her promised land.

"James," I said, acknowledging him.

I noticed Vic roll her eyes and shoot him an annoyed glare before returning her attention to me. She wrapped herself around me, and it became progressively more difficult to focus on the bullshit small talk James was trying to make and keep up my end of the conversation. She leaned in and began to whisper sinfully naughty things in my ear and, as much I was diggin' it, I felt guilty.

I knew how it looked to an outside person… _Vickie was pretty much humping my leg… _and my dick wasn't exactly oblivious to her advances either, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. Okay, it was exactly what it looked like… _the girl would fuck me as soon as I said 'yay'…_ but she had ulterior motives. Based on the looks she kept shooting James, she was toying with him. Who better to use to piss him off than a guy he was already jealous of?

…_she's laughing, she's turning, _

The whole moment felt so surreal, like it was a movie or something. _…somebody kill me please…_

The girl I wanted but couldn't have watched as some girl ground her pussy against my thigh, not knowing that she was only doing it to make her step-brother jealous… _fuck! This really was turning into Cruel Intentions._ _.__..I'm on my knees, pretty, pretty please, kill me…_ _Thank you, Adam Sandler. _

I thought I was being discreet about sneaking glances at Bella, but James caught me and I thought I saw… _something_ in his eye. It was gone too soon to be sure, and I reminded myself to ignore the girl, but I promptly forgot when I heard Bella yelp.

…_she's holding her tonic like a crux…_

I looked toward the bar to find her pawing at her ass… _why did that make me harder than the girl who was practically publicly rubbing herself off on me…_ and my fucktarded brother snapping a towel menacingly in the air. I winced. _Ain't gonna lie, that shit hurts, especially when that fucker is the one wielding it. _I looked back at James, not wanting to appear interested in the girl, but kept 90% of my attention on the shenanigans of my 'Baby Hughie' brother.

I waited as long as possible, but I finally had to look at her. Instead of her opulent brown orbs, I was met with the smirking blue ones of my brother. He looked at me like I'd been totally busted and I scowled back at him… _jackass._ Just as I started to look away, he lifted his eyebrows and pointedly glanced to the dance floor. My jaw nearly hit the fucking floor.

…_the room suddenly spinning, you can smell her perfume you can see her lying naked in your arms…_

__She was dancing with Alice and Rose, and… the girl could shake her ass.

…_the curl of your bodies l__ike two perfect circles entwine…_

My mouth was watering, and my dick was pleading with me like Bugs fucking Bunny… 'Let me at 'em, let me at 'em.' I had no clue what song was playing or if she was even in rhythm, because the sight of her rolling her hips and dipping lower and lower until her ass was almost to the floor made me fucking stupid.

The octopussy suctioned to my side noticed me staring, and she sneered at her presumed competition. That was enough to pull me out of my daze… _and my head out of my ass…_ and put my game face back on. While I pulled myself together, Vickie pulled me out on the dance floor. She situated us too close to the girl for comfort, and then proceeded to give a stripper worthy performance… _I actually felt like a stripper pole. _

Bella noticed me dancing near her. Frequently. She looked at me almost as often as I looked at her. James had disappeared a while ago, but between the redhead straddling my thigh, the brunette dancing by herself a few feet away, and my throbbing dick, I had completely forgotten about him… until he was suddenly dancing with Bella.

…_and so there's a change __in your emotions…_

My hands tightened convulsively into fists and I barely managed to restrain my instinct to go over and get him the fuck away from my girl, but then I remembered that she wasn't my girl. Hell, the way I kept pulling this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bullshit and the fact that we had only officially met last night, I wasn't even sure if she was my friend at the moment. James caught my eye and smirked, taunting me, and I managed to keep myself from tearing his throat out on the dance floor… _just barely._

_I saw his bet and raised_. I reached down and palmed Victoria's ass while returning his smirk. _You want to play motherfucker, I'll play. _Anger surged in his eyes, he tensed and then relaxed, and returned my smirk. I silently cursed myself as I realized, too late, that my inability to keep myself in check had virtually served Bella to him on a silver platter.

… _and you feel hopeless, and homeless, and lost in the haze of the wine…  
_

I shrugged my shoulders at him, telling him with a gesture, 'You want her, take her. Whatever.' Then I adjusted my position so that they were no longer directly in my line of sight. James smirk disappeared so I thought Bella was out of the hole I had dug for her, but I was wrong; the damage was done. After a few songs, they snuck off toward an unlit part of the yard together.

…_a__nd she leaves…_

What the fuck was she thinking, disappearing with a stranger and not telling anyone? She didn't know what kind of person he was, and I'll admit that my reputation was hardly sterling, but his made me look like Mother fucking Theresa and that was just the shit that was known.

I was privy to more than the average bear, and lets just say that if the authorities knew some of the shit he had done… he wouldn't be here trying to hook up with Bella. Of course, none of that shit could ever be proven and, although I was never involved in any of it, I couldn't exactly say that I knew about it.

…_but she makes sure you saw her, she looks right at you and bolts…_

I waited briefly before I removed Vickie from my leg and dragged her behind me while I gathered some shit together.

~//~

"Hey, James. Bella. I see you two have met," I said a little too cheerfully.

"Did Bella here tell you that her father is the Chief of Police?" I asked, looking straight at James. _That's right, dickweed, fuck with her like you have other girls and it is likely to bite you in the ass._ "Shot?"

One round of introduction s gone awry and several shots later, I was sitting across from Bella with Vict-whore-ia's tongue down my throat, and was just a bit too fucking shitfaced to remember why I shouldn't be hooking up with her. I attempted to gently push her away… _she could be a bit… ummm, _delicate_ if not handled carefully… _ but she shoved my hand down and squeezed it around one of her glorious dirty pillows, and much like Austin Powers, I got lost.

James, who had been growing more agitated as Vickie attacked me, suddenly blurted out, "Vickie, we gotta get going. You ready?"

"Why don't you go without me, James? I will find my way home later," she gasped. Her words were cut off by a loud moan, the husky sound going straight to my dick along with her hand. _Why had I ever stopped fucking the red-hot redhead?_ I couldn't remember.

…_as she walks out the door your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes… _

Vickie was stroking my hard cock right through my pants, my brain shut down and I was only vaguely aware of James asking Bella if she wanted a ride home. I was lost in a stupor of lust, booze, and boobies, and didn't come up for air until Vickie tried to engage my missile. _Really? While sitting in plain view twenty feet from a bunch of people?_

"Not here, Vickie," I said as I pushed her hand away. I looked over at Bella and James only to see two empty chairs. _Fuck!_

"What, is Eddie afraid of an audience? That didn't bother you last time we got together."

She tried pawing at me again, but I wasn't having any of it. I pushed her hands away, jumped up and immediately headed back toward the patio. My departure was so abrupt that Victoria fell out of the chair, landing on her ass in the grass.

"The name's Edward, and that's not quite the way it went down. I seem to remember being unaware of our audience until after we finished and my dick was tucked back into my jeans. I gotta go, but you should go home with your brother." I looked over my shoulder at her still on the ground and positively seething. "Always a pleasure, Vic."

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, Ed-_ward_? You're not just going to leave me here? Eddie…? Arghhhhhhh! You son of a…"

…_and when your friends say what is it you look like you've seen a ghost…  
_

I suddenly remembered why I had stopped fucking her… _the girl was a psycho hose-beast_. She was making a scene and I would probably get in trouble with my sister, but I didn't care. I had more important things to deal with just then. Ignoring her shrill screams and shouts, I went to find Bella. Em, still standing behind the bar, caught my eye as I headed to the back door. His eyes darted to the house, looking in the direction of the hallway and then up. He looked back at me and then returned his attention to the drink he was making.

…_and you're too drunk to notice that everyone is staring at you__… _

I didn't acknowledge him, but was secretly grateful…_ and more than a little peeved with myself. Was I that obvious?_ I rushed through the throng of people loitering in front of the door in too much of a hurry to worry about things like being polite. I wasn't sure how long they had been gone, or if I was too late.

…_and you don't care what you look like the world is falling around you…  
_

I sprinted into the dark hallway and was caught up short by the shadowy figures I saw sprawled across the stairs about halfway up. My throat constricted and I felt like I had been punched in the guts. When I had myself under control and was about to speak, her soft little whimpers and mewls reached my ears and my words caught in my throat.

…_you just have to see her…_

"Errrrhmmm," I cleared my throat and then paused briefly to make sure that my voice wouldn't crack. "Sorry to interrupt, but your _sister_ would really like to go home now."

Bella cringed and then kept her face hidden behind James' body, but I had no sympathy. _That's what you get for fucking around on the steps. _I was feeling a little morally superior, which was just bullshit because I had been doing practically the same thing mere minutes before in my back yard. _Yeah, I'm a fucking hypocrite. Nobody's perfect._

…_you just have to see her…_

James sighed. "Yeah, um… Just tell her I'll be there in a minute."

If he thought I was going to leave, he was mistaken. _I was coming off as an asshole, but that wasn't new when it came to Bella._ James hopped up and started down the stairs, leaving the girl exposed. _The fucker got her half-undressed on the stairs, but couldn't wait to run off until she was decent. Fucking douchebag, fucktard cunty son of a whore, fuck! _

…_you just have to see her …_

Giving Bella some respect and privacy… _unlike asstard James…_ I looked at the floor. Because of that, I wasn't prepared for the partial body check that Dickhead gave me as he passed. I reached way the fuck down inside of myself trying to keep from decking him. In the end, Bella was the only thing that kept me from shoving his face through the wall… _and saved me from the beating my mother would have given me when she saw the head-sized hole in her wall._

What the fuck! _Back the fuck up and put down the AARP card, man._ I sounded like my fucking parents. I was still staring at the floor and tripping out over my descent into middle age, when I heard Bella crying. Next thing I knew I had her crushed to my chest while I smoothed back her hair and frantically questioned her. "Are you all right? Did he hurt you?"

…_you just have to see her…_

She didn't respond, so I waited a minute and then pulled away intent on examining her… _in a purely doctor/patient kind of way._ She nodded her head indicating that she was okay, and I was relieved… _and maybe a little disappointed. _She weakly tried to push me away… _pshaw, like she's strong enough to do that…_ but I ignored her. Instead, I scooped her up and carried her to her room. She resisted, but after a moment, she cuddled into me… I can't even explain how that felt.

…_you just have to see her…_

I thought my heart was going to rupture, my lungs were going to burst… it just felt fucking right. I felt whole for the first time in… possibly ever. When we got to her room, I sat down, cradled her to my chest and rocked her softly back and forth… _yeah, seriously either turning queer or I am really a bitch and need my vadge badge._ It would have been close to perfect if the night had ended there, but it didn't.

…_and you know that she'll break you in two…_

One second she was in my arms, smelling all salty and musky and floral, and God help me, even though I had just caught her fooling around with him, I still fucking wanted her_… because I had no spine or balls when it came to her._ The next second, she was pressed against the wall opposite me. She was angry and pointing and asking me questions about Victoria and making accusations, but all I was thinking about was that her smell no longer enveloped me.

_I was entirely too drunk for this shit._ I was bumbling and mumbling something about checking on her, only it sounded like I was checking _up_ on her, which wasn't what I meant at all… _not really, I don't think_. I'll never understand why I couldn't just tell her the truth—that I sent Vickie away, that James was a creep, that I thought the two of them fucked with other people as some sort of weird foreplay in their incestuous little relationship.

~//~

**Present Day**

I was just about to the Narrows when I noticed that I needed to get gas. I got off the freeway in Tacoma and pulled into the nearest gas station. I paid at the pump, inserted the nozzle and squeezed the trigger. As my tank filled up, my mind drifted back to that night and I found myself playing a dangerous game of What If?

I remember I had desperately wanted to tell her that I couldn't stand seeing her with anyone other than me, that I was completely enthralled by her, that she made want to be a better person, but I couldn't and I didn't. Maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently. Maybe we could have really been together instead of playing this fucked up game that we were playing. Maybe we would have been smart enough to stay apart.

Maybe I wouldn't have hurt her, because I am surely hurting her now, and I'm about to hurt her a lot more.

If I am honest with myself though, I know that I would have hurt her no matter how things played out. It was inevitable, and Alice knew it. I spent a long time being angry with Alice over the whole thing, but I don't resent her anymore. She was just trying to protect her friend. She did the right thing.

The gas finished pumping and I put the nozzle back, put the cap back on my gas tank, jumped in my car and, with the easy beat of _Boyz In Da Hood_ playing in the background, I resumed my drive to Forks and hurting the only girlI ever truly loved.

… _then I let the alpine play play, pumpin' new shit by N.W.A., it was gangsta', gangsta' at the top of the list, then I played my own shit and it went somethin' like this... _

~//~

**Songs Used In Order Of Appearance:**

_Nowhere To Run To, Martha and The Vandells  
Dazed and Confused, _Led Zeppelin_  
Sometime Around Midnight,_ Airborne Toxic Event_  
Love the One You're With, _Stephen Stills_  
Somebody Kill Me, _Adam Sandler_  
Boyz In Da Hood,_ by Easy-E

**Definitions:  
**Skonge- half-erect penis (Urban Dictionary)

**Fic Rec's-  
**(Links on my profile)

Seventeen Cakes by Vanessarae  
Emancipation Proclamation by Kharizzmatik  
The Port Angeles Players by Write on Time  
Reality Minus Expectation by Mjinaspen  
Detruit by Somah  
Hydraulic Level 5 by Gondolier


	13. Chapter 11 Nothingman

Chapter 11- Nothingman, Part 1

* * *

Once divided  
Nothing left to subtract  
Some words when spoken  
Can't be taken back

Walks on his own  
With thoughts he can't help thinking  
Future's above  
But in the past he's slow and sinking

Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'  
Cursed the day he let it go

Nothingman  
Isn't it something?  
Nothingman…

…Empty stares  
From each corner of a shared prison cell  
One just escapes  
One's left inside the well

And he who forgets  
Will be destined to remember...

…Oh, she don't want him  
Oh, she won't feed him…

-_ Nothingman_ by Pearl Jam

~//~

I watched her.

Studied her.

Constantly.

…_p__urple haze all in my brain…_

I learned all of her tics, her quirks, her moods. I knew that she hid behind her hair to conceal her blush-tinged cheeks whenever she was uncomfortable or embarrassed. She bit her bottom lip when she was nervous, and she was thinking if she sucked both of her lips in her mouth, tucking them over her teeth. Whenever her mother was brought up, she offered a… _brittle, flinty…_ polite smile, avoiding their eyes with hers…_ empty, void, hollow…_ and then gave a vague reply before quickly changing the subject.

She thought she was clumsy and awkward, but she was actually incredibly graceful when she thought no one was watching. I could never explain it, but she had a quiet sensuality about her—the sway of her hips when she walked, the way she licked the bow of her top lip unconsciously, the Mona Lisa smile she sometimes smiled that made her look like she was full of secrets—all of it was so incredibly alluring. She was the most dangerous creature I had ever seen, and her lack of awareness only increased it.

…_l__ately things just don't seem the same…_

She was incredibly bright. Her ability to understand abstracts and rapidly assimilate new information was astounding. She had a thirst for knowledge and a capacity for retaining it that I found surprising… _and I had a photographic memory_. She was intimidating, but she didn't know it. She was a walking contradiction. She would decisively give her opinion on a subject with one breath, and then apologize with the next.

…_a__ctin' funny, but I don't know why…_

As much as I watched her, observed, as well as I knew her… I knew squat. She never failed to surprise me or ceased to amaze me. When I thought she would zig, she would zag. If I expected her to zag, she zigged. She was a conundrum, a paradox, an enigma, an endlessly fascinating puzzle. One I didn't know if I would ever solve, but I didn't know that I wanted to.

…'_scuse me while I kiss the sky…_

Between her being my sister's best friend and us being lab partners, we ended up seeing quite a bit of each other.

…_p__urple haze all around…_

Alice started insisting with greater frequency that I come along on group outings to keep Bella from feeling like the fifth wheel. I always refused, but it was more for show than anything, and Calice knew it. She used my attraction for Bella indiscriminately and whimsically as it suited her needs. I have to think that if she knew that it wasn't her body I was attracted to… _well, not solely…_ she wouldn't have done it, but she would never have believed that. _Hell, I didn't believe it half the time._

…_d__on't know if I'm comin' up or down…_

Against the odds… _and my dick's wishes…_ we formed some sort of twisted, bi-polar friendship chock full of innuendo-laden verbal sparring, bickering, and even all out fighting; they were the best parts of my life at the time. She wasn't like any of the girls I was used to. She challenged me, never conceded to me, and always called me on my bullshit. I felt like she was the only person aside from my sister, or Rosalie… _reluctantly admitted, trust me…_ who really saw me and wanted to be around me for that reason… _well, not Rose, but I didn't want to be around her either. Miserable bitch._

…_a__m I happy or in misery… _

Scorched by lust, licked by the flame of desire, and charred by… something I could not name.

For months it was the same.

Monotonous.

Never-ending agony.

…_w__hat ever it is, that girl put a spell on me…_

If I had to pinpoint the exact moment that things began to change, to shift between us, it would be the day that I caught Fuckton with his hands on her, dragging her off to who-the-fuck-knows-where after she fainted in Biology. I still feel slightly guilty that I wasn't there.

If I had known that we were blood-typing that day in class, I never would have ran out to my car beforehand to grab my book, and then I wouldn't have been stopped by Jessica… _the poorman's Lauren, and yes, they do come cheaper than Lauren…_ and I would have been there to take care of her. I don't know why the hell she even stayed in class; she knew she couldn't handle blood.

I wanted to kill the future rapist fuck when I saw him clutching her to his side, and I couldn't-- wouldn't--allow myself to contemplate what may have happened if I hadn't stumbled upon them. I quickly dealt with Fuckton, surprised that I was able to show the restraint I did. If I wouldn't have had Bella to think about, if she hadn't been lying on a dirty, damp, cold sidewalk with the ever-present rain misting down, I would've given him more than just a taste of what I wanted to give him, what he deserved to get.

I knew how exhausted Bella got after one of her fainting episodes, and I also knew how she hated to worry Chief Swan, so once we had fled from the nurse's office and I once again sent Asshat Newton packing… _he was like a fucking puppy the way he constantly chased after her, yet at the same time he was like an old dog since he couldn't seem to learn a new trick and get it through his thick head to back the fuck up, but he was always waiting, like a wolf, to pounce and devour her…_I worked on getting her out of school for the rest of the day.

She probably could have driven, but I insisted. By 'insisted', I mean that I went all caveman on her ass and virtually dragged her_… okay, actually dragged her_… to my car. I just wasn't ready to leave her yet. Biology was the one time during the day when I got her to myself… _sorta_. I had to have that hour and a half per day, Monday through Friday, and I resented anything that took it away from me.

Once fall semester started at the college, I spent the first half of the day there and there was no chance of bumping into her during fourth period since she had PE. That just left lunch and Bio and, to be honest, I broke every fucking speed limit in the state to get from the college to the high school just so I could get that extra 20-25 minutes of lunch with her. I wasn't going to lose any of the precious time I got to spend with her, especially any time that didn't include my siblings or our friends.

One accidental… _but thoroughly enjoyed…_ boob grazing later, I finally got us to Bella's house. When I opened her door to help her out of the car…_ I might be a he-whore, but I was raised to be a gentleman…_ she came tumbling out, sprawling head first toward the concrete driveway. I caught her before she could hurt herself, but then her breasts were pressed against me and I had one hand on the skin of her lower back where her shirt had ridden up… _she should really buy longer shirts…_ and my mind went on vacation while my mouth started flapping… _the smirk on my face likely didn't help. Stupid, traitorous mouth._

"Swan, that's the third time today that I've had to catch you. Are you trying to kill yourself or do you simply enjoy rubbing up against me?"

"You know, contrary to popular belief among most of the females here in Hicksville, you are not God's gift to women. Hell, you aren't even God's gift to sheep. I was most certainly trying to kill myself. Give it up, Cullen…" She stopped speaking, and just as I was about to reply she said quite clearly and with obvious premeditation, "I am never going to want you."

I wish I could pretend that those words didn't gut me… _I was, after all, Edward fucking Cullen, chicks were just a piece of ass to me, hit it and quit it, remember…_ but it would be a lie. I had to get out of there before I said something I would regret, something I couldn't take back; something that would hurt her… _the way she just did me._ Deep down, I knew that it was stupid to feel the way I did. We were just friends, could never be more than friends, but it still felt like she stomped on my heart.

It was silent as I made my way back around the car. Neither of us spoke until I grabbed the handle, about to open my door. "What the hell, Cullen? Where are you going?"

"I have to get back to class," I snapped at her as I opened it. As I started to get into my car, I added as an afterthought, "I hope you feel better."

~//~

I was too keyed up to go back to school when I left Bella's, but with nothing else to do and no where to go, I ended up just driving around. I drove past Newton's and realized that Bella would probably not make in to work that night, so I called Mrs. Newton to let her know—I doubted that Bella would remember. I was on autopilot as soon as I hung up my phone.

I drove around aimlessly, not paying any attention to where I was going. McNeighborhoods gave way to dense forests, which gradually thinned as houses began to crop up, randomly at first—a couple here, a smattering there—until they eventually took over and conformational housing developments spread like a rash, but they too gave way.

They turned into warehouses and storefronts for a stretch before yielding again to the houses they had replaced. Starting off as ramshackle, dilapidated affairs they incrementally became nicer, becoming McNeighborhoods once again. They, in turn, were encroached upon by the sentinel trees until the dense forest once again reigned and the pattern began again, _ad infinitum_, _ad naseum_.

I was in a residential part of Port Angeles, about halfway between the slums and McMansions, when a dog ran in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes, barely avoiding turning Fido into road kill just as his frazzled owner came running with a broken leash in hand, from between two houses, looking relieved that his dog was okay. He grabbed the dog, who was dealing with his near-death experience by casually pissing on my tires, and left with a cursory nod to me. I returned it and, for the first time since I had left Bella's, really took notice of my surroundings.

I realized that I was two houses down from the girl I had been fucking on as regular a basis as I have ever fucked anyone. _Alison._ I had to get laid, that was just the nature of the beast that I was, but didn't feel right flaunting my sex life in Bella's face… _I didn't want her judging or forming opinions about me, no matter how true they were…_ and Alison was the perfect option. She was discreet, lived in another town, was out of high school, lived with roommates versus parents, was good in bed and, best of all, had no misconceptions about there being anything more between us than fucking.

I met her fall quarter in one of my college classes, but didn't even attempt to get down her pants until around Thanksgiving. I actually hadn't attempted to get down anyone's pants starting the night I left Vict-whore-ia sitting in the grass on her ass at the Back-to-School bash Alice threw… _but it turned out celibacy was not for me. _

Alison's car was home, so I parked and sent her a text. _It's just rude to show up unannounced._

_What are you doing right now? –E._

Nothing. Just looking out the window, wondering when the hot guy in the silver car is gonna get his ass in here? -A.

_Sorry. I was in the area and didn't want to just show up unannounced and presume… ya' know? -E._

Would you just shut the hell up, get in here and sex me already? I have shit to do later. -A.

That was all the prompting needed. I jumped out of the car and ran to the door where I was pulled inside and greeted…_ thoroughly…_ by a very naked, very hot, and ve-ery ready Alison. _Man I loved college chicks!_

~//~

Several hours later, feeling like I had betrayed Bella--but a lot less edgy--I headed home. The thought that I was forgetting something that had been needling me all afternoon suddenly burst open, revealing exactly what I was forgetting when I passed Newton's and remembered Bella's truck was still at the school. Alice didn't answer her phone when I called, so hoping that she was awake, I opted to just drive to Bella's house.

It was dark and rainy… _typical January weather in Forks_… as I pointed my car in the direction of Bella's. I was probably about halfway there when I thought I saw someone walking along the barely-there shoulder on the other side of the road. As I found myself wondering who in their right mind would be out in such horrible weather, several things happened at once—the person walking stumbled, my headlights illuminated them, and I realized it was Bella. Instantly enraged, I slammed on the brakes, and skidded to a stop. I got out of the car and called out her name, but to no avail. She just ignored me and continued walking.

"Bella! Wait up," I shouted to her. I was shocked when, rather than stop, she took off… running away from me. _What the fuck was going on here? _I started after her, easily outpacing her.

I was so angry when I finally caught up to her that I was a little rougher than intended when I turned her toward me, and seeing the frightened, heartbroken, yet strangely empty look on her face, I shook her. Words came pouring out of me before I could stop them or compose myself.

"HThe hell, Bella? What are you doing walking down the road in the rain at this time of night? Are you stupid? It's dark out. You could have been hurt or worse… Why didn't you call me or Alice or Rose… someone? Does the Chief know you are out here? What if I had been someone other than me that had come along and found you?" I unloaded all of my anger and frustration and fear, and even disappointment in myself, on her as I shouted and shook her in the rain.

She recoiled from me and I thought I saw fear written on her face; it just about killed me. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her, holding her tight enough that even Emmett would be proud. I pressed my lips to her hair, grateful that nothing happened to her, but with my anger still simmering on the backburner.

"I'm so sorry for just leaving with no explanation like I did today, Bella. It's my fault you're out here…" She had to know I was being sincere. I paused and brought both my hands to her rain-covered face and lifted her chin so I could see her eyes.

I was destroyed, demolished, crushed by the empty look in her unusually dull eyes. All I could think about was that I could have lost her; I could have never seen her again. I could never knowingly or purposely hurt her, but once again, without even trying, I nearly had.

"God, Bella… It would have been my fault if something had happened to you and I could never live with... Wh-what would I have done if I lost…" I almost slipped, but quickly saved myself. "Alice would kill me if something had happened to you."

As much as it was the right thing to say, I knew it was wrong to say too. She jerked out of my arms and walked away. Her shoulders shook softly, but I couldn't be certain if she was crying or not. She was crazy if she thought she was going to just walk away from me though. Was the girl trying to get herself killed or raped? _She didn't need to walk down the road at night if that's what she was going for…_ real fucking appropriate, Cullen, you sick fuck!I directed my annoyance with my own twisted, depraved, and morally reprehensible thoughts toward her.

"Where the _fuck_ are you going, Swan?" I demanded in an angry voice as I caught her up once again and kept pace with her, not quite trusting myself to touch her.

"To get my truck, Cullen."

"You're not walking." _What I meant was, 'You are batshit fucking insane if you think that, and if I have to tackle you and hog-tie you, you will not be walking anywhere, you crazy and insanely beautiful girl.'_

I latched onto her arm and started trying to maneuver her in the direction of my car. She pulled away from me and resumed marching the other direction. _Obstinate, pig-headed shrew! _Shewas just so argumentative and belligerent…_ Belligerent. Ha, ha! _I internallygave a Nelson-like laugh before my attention was brought back to the stubborn and soaking wet girl walking away from me.

"Yes, I am. Who the fuck do you think you are? What gives you the right to tell me what to do?" She was furious, livid, enraged… and all the more stunning for it. I had never seen her look more gorgeous than she did at that moment—soaking wet, hair plastered to her head, her eyes enlivened with her ire, defiant.

I was halted in my tracks by the sight of her. As soaked and frozen as I was, my waterlogged jeans hanging low on my hips, I would have thought it impossible for my dick to get hard, but I had apparently underestimated my desire for the furious woman-child I was chasing.

My desire for her was pushed aside by my own rapidly rising anger. _There was no way she was fucking walking away from me. _Spurred on, I quickly covered the distance she had put between us. The rain was coming down so heavily that I almost couldn't make her out. It must have masked my footsteps though, because she gave no indication of hearing me approach, and therefore didn't put up a fight when I unceremoniously tossed her over my shoulder.

I spun on my heels and marched back to my car with her putting up a fight the entire way. I couldn't help the smile that came across my face as she whaled on me with all the effectiveness of the angry kitten I had once compared her to.

"Put me down, Cullen, you fucking caveman! I can take care of myself. Put me down, you fuckhead!"

I ignored her and kept on walking. When I finally reached the passenger's door of my car, I slid her from my shoulder. I pressed her against the car, telling myself that I was just wanting to make sure she was steady on her feet before I let go of her, but I knew I was full of shit. I was trying to both enflame and tame my raging hard-on… _wasn't sure which I wanted more. _

I stood there getting pelted by the cold rain with _her _pressed between me and my car, just staring at her closed eyes, willing her to open them. Finally, _finally,_ her eyelashes fluttered and they opened. She instantly began gnawing on her bottom lip, so I reached up and swiped my thumb first across her top one, and then over her bottom lip… _okay, so I wanted to feel her mouth, amongst other things…_ and the action drew attention to the fact that her lips were turning blue and she was shivering violently. _Not to mention, that I needed to cut the hovering tension that seemed to be growing thicker with each passing second… or maybe it was just me. _

"Bella…" I let out the breath I had been holding and searched her face for some clue to where that pretty… _yet maddening…_ head of hers was. "Your lips are turning blue, and you're shivering like a dog shitting razorblades, so just get in the Goddamn car and let me get you warmed up…" _God help me, but I had a few ideas for how I would have liked to warm her up _"… and I will take you where ever you want to go. I won't even ask you to tell me your real reason for being out here tonight."

I was about to walk away, but something in me recognized the need in her eyes that was calling out for comfort, and I leaned forward and tenderly pressed a kiss to her forehead. I silently gasped and went stiff… _everywhere, which is just wrong. I mean I couldn't even offer comfort without getting a stiffie._ I began carefully backing away from her.

Before I could pull back entirely, our eyes locked and I couldn't fucking tear myself away from her. It was like one of those clichéd moments that I had made fun of for years. I had always thought they were as real as the fucking Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy, and here I was caught in a one. The rain and the cold faded away, she was my sole focus. It felt like I was being baptized in the muddy waters of her eyes. That ridiculous song by Sixpence None The Richer, _Kiss Me, _was playing in the background, and the stars were suddenly beaming down on us…

Never mind, it was just the headlights of an oncoming vehicle heading our way. Realizing for the first time that my car was sitting in the middle of the road, driver side door open letting the upholstery become waterlogged… _thank God for leather…_ and still running, I reached beside us to grip the handle next to Bella's hip, and opened the passenger door.

"Get in, Bella."

She nodded and did as told. When she was settled, I shut the door and leaned my head onto the top of my car, taking a moment to clear my head of her scent, her warmth, _her._ Thinking with the right head again, I hustled back around to my side and hopped in. I depressed the clutch, slipped it into first…_ I'd like to slip into her first--shut up, you fucking sicko…_ and as I released the clutch and feathered the gas pedal, putting the car into motion, I looked over at Bella and said, "Where to, Swan?"

"Will you take me home… to your house?" She said meekly. _Not the answer I was expecting._

"Sure, but you're going to be stuck with me for a while. Mom and Dad are at some dinner thing, and Al and Em are both over at Jazz and Rose's. I don't know when they'll be back," I warned her. "That okay with you?"

I heard her swallow over all of the other sounds and held my breath waiting for her decision. Finally, when I couldn't hold my breath any longer, she nodded. I flipped a bitch, carefully of course, and headed toward my house.

~//~

It was quiet in the car until we passed Newton's Outfitters, and then she freaked out over forgetting to call work. I had to embarrassedly admit to calling in for her. We gradually fell into easy conversation after that. Well, maybe on her part it was easy. On mine, not so much. I was slightly embarrassed over admitting how much I thought about her. Although, I don't think she caught on.

"Where were you going before you decided to go all Knight in Shining UnderArmor on me?"

"Your house, actually. I wanted to apologize for this afternoon… for the way I dealt with Mike, for forcing you to let me take you home, and for my atrocious behavior when I dropped you off at home. It's just…" I sucked in a lungful of air and tried to figure out the best way to explain how I felt without giving away too much… _fat lot of good that did… _but in the end, I still ended up giving away more than intended. "I feel very… _protective_ of you, Bella."

The mood suddenly grew heavier and I made some lame-ass attempt at lightening it. "Plus, I still had your school bag and you didn't have your truck. I hadn't heard from you yet and I figured I'd save myself a lot of angry phone calls by getting your shit back to you sooner rather than later. You have quite the temper, Swan."

She grinned back at me, making me aware that I was smiling in the first place. "Wow, you really know how to flatter a girl. You rehearse that speech, Cullen? And… uh, thanks by the way."

"Any time, Swan. Any time."

The rest of the drive was spent in silence, but it wasn't heavy with the weight of unspoken desires or words… it was easy and comfortable.

~//~

Bella seemed to grow increasingly more nervous the closer we got to my house, and by the time I pulled into the garage she was a jittery mess. I barely had the car stopped before she hopped out and ran for the door. She seemed to be interminably running from me that day.

"Hey, Banner gave us some homework as makeup for the blood typing lab. You, uh, wanna work on it together? You've got some time to kill until the midget gets home," I called out before she could escape me.

She barely hesitated, only stopping long enough to say, "Yeah, I'll meet you in yer room," before running out the door.

I grabbed both of our school bags before heading in. Not sure if she wanted her bag with her, or if I should just take it to my room, I knocked on her door as I passed it. She sounded nervous when she told me to take it to my room and I stood outside of hers, head resting against the door for a moment, as I contemplated what could be going on with her. Giving up, I trudged up the stairs and to my room.

I realized that I was still pretty fucking wet when I dropped our bags on the floor near my bed, but it was going to have to wait. Grabbing some towels from my bathroom, I rushed out to the garage to clean up my soggy car. When I was finished, I headed back inside, dropping the towels in the laundry room on my way as I walked through. I went directly to my room, not bothering to stop by hers because she could come out at any time, and I didn't want to run into her… _that would be just awkward. 'What are you doing outside my door, Edward?' 'Oh, just stalking you like I normally do.'_ _Not a conversation I wanted to have anytime soon. _

So yeah, I just went straight to my room and waited… and waited… and waited. After fifteen minutes, it again occurred to me that I was pretty waterlogged. I wasn't sure how long I had before she decided to grace me with her presence, but I going to shower. Knowing that if I didn't answer she would just go back to her room, I hopped in the shower, leaving my bathroom door open in order to hear it if she knocked.

As I started to soap up, I imagined Bella knocking on my door, but when no one answered, instead of leaving she came inside to wait for me. Then I pictured her walking over to my open bathroom door when she heard the water running. In my head, she stood there watching me through the glass shower door. I only hesitated briefly before taking myself in hand.

Despite feeling like a sick fuck and a complete piece of shit, and even though I had gotten off several times only a few hours earlier at the hands… _and mouth, and… you get the picture…_ of Alison, I began to purposefully stroke, telling myself until I couldn't think anymore that I was just doing it out of courtesy. It was a preventive wank session since I was gonna be stuck alone with her for an unknown amount of time… in my room.

I started off with long, slow strokes, occasionally rubbing my thumb over the head, as I imagined stripping her clothes off of her slowly. With each piece of clothing I peeled off her in my head, my hand increased its speed. By the time I had her naked and spread out on my bed, my hand was flying at an almost inhuman speed and with a few more pumps, I was coming like it had been weeks since I had come last.

Spent, I shut the water off and stepped out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around my hips and went to my room to grab a pair of jeans. I heard a tentative knocking on my door so I quickly tugged on the first pair I grabbed, and then used the towel that had been wrapped around me to scrub my hair dry as I opened the door.

_Fuck me. _

~//~

Her hair, just this side of black, was hanging loosely down her back. Its loose wave was still evident despite being weighed down with water. She was wearing more clothes than I was, but the pajamas she had on hardly seemed decent. _Alice needed to stop picking out her fucking clothes._ I needed to do something with my hands to keep myself from reaching out for her. I tossed the towel toward the chair in front of my desk without looking, and then stretched across the doorway, one hand gripping the doorknob and the other stretched out above my head, braced against the door frame.

I was practically… no, I _was_ eyefucking her, and I should have felt awkward or even a little disgusted by my leering, but she was checking out the goods too… _and_ _I think she liked what she saw._ Her cheeks were flushed just the slightest bit and her breathing seemed to be coming a bit faster, shallower… _of course, I could have been imagining it._ I thought about saying something, but nothing came to mind. _Does that blush cover your whole body when you come, and can I see?_

Well, nothing appropriate came to mind, so I bit my tongue and prayed that she would say something before the tension got to me. My inner asshole was barely contained, and the last thing I needed was for him to assume control and start talking. _No good ever came from him being in control._ Luckily…

"I was going to apologize for hopping in the shower and taking so long, but…" she allowed her eyes to roam over me thoroughly, punctuating her words before continuing where she had left off "…I see we had the same idea, and now I don't feel so bad."

"Well, you know what they say, great minds think alike," I quipped. _Brilliant, Fucktard. _

_Tired and stale sayings might work on those insipid little girls you usually fuck, but they aren't going to charm _her_ pants off. _Great, because I was trying to _not_ charm her pants off. _Mission accomplished. _I was arguing with myself, not good. I didn't realize until she spoke that I was still raking my eyes over her body, primarily her headlights_… what, she had her highbeams on… _and her lips_. _She had those kind lips._ The kind I'd like to see wrapped around my…_

"Can I come in, or are you just gonna stand there and eyefuck me all night?"

"Hmmm? What was that?" Yeah, I was still checking out her girls. _I mean those things were n-i-c-e!_

The corners of her mouth twitched… _from what I could tell anyway. _"Can I come in?"

"Oh… um, yeah. Of course," I spit out… _because I was still lost somewhere in her Grand Tetons._

I stepped aside and then, like I had my own personal, thirty second delay, I realized what she said. She started to pass me, and my inner asshole utilized the distraction created by her closeness. When she hesitated just a bit as she passed, he leaned in and said, "And by the way… if I was eye fucking you, Bella… you'd know it."

_That got a reaction, _I thought excitedly as I noticed her skin pebble with goosebumps and a shiver ripple through her. I shut the door and went to my desk as was usual when we worked on class assignments together. She seemed unsure of what to do and my annoyance with myself was apparent in my voice when I roughly informed her where her bag was. She tossed it up onto my bed and then took up what was her usual position—sprawled across the bed.

As soon as she was ready, we got straight to it… '_it' being homework, unfortunately._ We finished the assignment in about an hour, but I didn't want to lose her company, so I fed her and helped her study for her Spanish final. The asshole… _and my sexual frustration… _only got the best of me a couple of times, which was quite good considering the grey cloud hanging over our heads.

I knew something was bothering her and didn't know why she wouldn't talk to me about it, but it was driving me insane. When we finally decided to call it quits with the studying, I had had enough. She was going to talk to me, because not only would it do her some good to get whatever was bothering her out, I could use the reminder that we were friends; it made it easier to keep myself from thinking only of fucking her… _and from imaging Fuckton was responsible for her distress. _

I walked over and plopped beside her on my bed and asked, "Do you want to talk about why you were so upset when I found you wandering in the rain?"

"I wasn't wandering, Cullen. I was going to get my truck before it got mistaken for an abandoned vehicle and was towed."

"Bel-la…"

"Don't Bella me, Edward," she snapped at me. She was so visibly agitated and tense that I only faintly registered her use of my given name. Regardless, I wasn't going to give up that easily.

"Quit trying to change the subject. It's just… if you need to talk… you know… you can talk to me."

I was pushing and I knew it, but I was still surprised when she jumped off the bed and started pacing. She looked like she was on the verge of tears, but there was also anger simmering just below the surface, and I wasn't sure which emotion would win out. Her reactions were alarming to me and a feeling of dread settled into the pit of my stomach that only grew worse with each passing second as a whole catalog of awful scenarios began to run through my mind.

Somehow I was able to temper myself and proceed with my interrogation, being more cautious. _I didn't want her running from me again tonight. _

"Bella," I said softer, less petulantly, but either she chose to ignore me or she was upset enough to not even register my words, and continued to pace.

"Bella," I repeated, slightly louder and then held my breath as I awaited her response or reaction. Getting nothing, I let it out loudly.

"Bella," I repeated for the third time, a little louder once again.

Still nothing. If anything, it looked like I only succeeded in tipping her emotional scale toward the anger side, but, either persistent or stupid, I continued trying despite my own swelling agitation. _No, that wasn't a euphemism for my dick either_…_ at least it wasn't intended to be, but if the shoe fits..._ Deciding to change tactics, I went and stood in the center of the room, just out of the path of her pacing, but in her way enough that she couldn't fail to notice me.

"Bella," I tried again, futilely. Rather than feel dejected and let failure wash over me, I let the asshole take control… _and he was an angry prick. _I let my head fall back and closed my eyes as I gave in to my anger. "Motherfucking, son of a bitch!"

I looked back at her and noticed that she looked like she was ready to flee. _Oh no she motherfucking doesn't, _I roared in my head. The asshole, firmly at the helm, grabbed her and roughly spun her around to face me.

"For fuck's sake, Bella, would you stop fucking pacing?" I yelled at her as my hands moved to her shoulders. She tried to shake me off, but she didn't stand a chance. She was being senseless and trying to run away from her problems, but I wasn't letting her; it did no good to run. I lightly shook her, trying to get her to snap out of it, and then wrapped an arm around her and held her to me. "Stop! Look at me, Bella."

Bell-igerent refused to look at me no matter how much I chased her eyes around, but I wasn't in the mood. Since the asshole was running the show, I grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me. I tried to choose my words carefully as I started speaking, but all of my concerns came rushing out anyway.

"Bel-la. Just stop. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why won't you talk to me? Did something happen? Did Mike do something to you before I got there?"

She looked at me with confusion at first before finally saying, "What? Newton? No. Nothing happened. I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me."

_Arrrgh!_ She was still lying to me, and it annoyed me to no fucking end but it also hurt me some too. _Yeah, yeah, I know. I was being a candy ass and letting a skirt get me all discombobulated with her emotional fuckery, but after five months I was starting to own up to that fact._ "Why can't you… Why won't you talk to me, Bella? Why won't you trust me?"

Something sparked in her eyes and she stared at me, shock, amazement written on her face, and something else… _anger. _I had tipped the scale, and somehow appeared to have amplified it. Judging from the look she was giving me, she was more than angry, she was furious. _Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say?_

For a split second… _maybe longer…_ I actually had the gall to get offended over the incensed and accusatory look she was giving me, and I was managing to rein that shit in, but just as I started to unruffle my feathers, she let me have it. _Tore me a new asshole would be a better way to phrase it._

"Wh-why don't I trust you? Seriously? Why the fuck would I? You constantly toy with me—my _friend_…" I flinched back from the vitriol she imbued the word with… _apparently she didn't like the word_ "… one second, something entirely… _different_ the next, and then a complete asshole right after that. It's like you're Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, and Don Juan De Marco arbitrarily rolled into one annoying, aggravating, and vexing package. Why should I trust you?"

Rather than admit the truth of her words, I got angry… _and maybe just the slightest bit turned on. She was hot as all fuck when she was angry. _The tip of her tongue darted out and touched her lip, and I became entranced with her lips, her mouth. _Were her lips as soft as they looked? What would she taste like?_ I thought of all of the times my lips had been poised to conquer hers, only to be stopped just millimeters before they touched, and I realized that no one was here to interrupt us this time.

I licked my lips as I slowly began the descent to her lusciously lascivious lips. I was almost there, I was almost home. _Finally_, I thought, as I began to lean the last little bit necessary to make our lips touch…

~//~

"Hey, Edward." _That Lilliputian little joykill! _Alice announced herself while still in the hall…_ I knew I was lucky that Alice announced herself at all, and her reaction would have been so much fucking worse had she walked in and seen me wrapped all over Bella._

Blind with panic, Bella wrenched herself free of me. She bounded the few steps toward my bed and dropped down beside it, fumbling with her bag just as my sister burst through my door without knocking… _I swear to god she should wear a bell so we can keep track of the malevolent maven._

"Ever hear of knocking, Alice?"

She leveled a withering look at me… and then she noticed Bella. The room suddenly iced up like Mr. Freeze was in the hizzouse. I could already see the charges being brought against me as she prepared her case, basing it purely on assumption. This was not going to go well. Unlike a court of law, the prosecution did not have to provide burden of proof, or anything really. No, in this instance it was the judge, jury, and executioner, and she had been looking for a reason to fry my balls for years… _I had just handed them to her on a silver platter._

"Bella? What are you doing here?" She queried, wrinkling up her little nose and causing Bella to squirm like a worm on the end of a hook. _Did she have to such a bitch._ Alice seemed to be projecting most of her frostiness toward Bella, and I couldn't figure out why the hell for. Bella didn't deserve her ire. _If anyone was likely to be guilty of anything, it was me._

"For fuck's sake, Alice! Quit being a bitch!" She shot me a nasty look, but otherwise ignored me. _I don't know why I bother, it's her way or she makes you pay. She was like a terrorist or a dictator with her guerilla tactics. _I looked at Bella and gave her a small, apologetic smile which she returned with disbelief… _and a look, that quickly disappeared of course, that clearly called me out on my bullshit and screamed 'hypocrite'. _

Nervous and perplexed, she rushed through the relevant details of what we had been doing and how she came to be there, minus a few details that would have caused the evil one to morph into Sherlock Alice Watson… _what, she liked to cover all her bases when she did something and she didn't have a sidekick present_. I wasn't sure how much she bought of the story, but she stopped acting like a raging bitch… _although she didn't hesitate to swipe one of her nasty little paws at both Bella's self-esteem, and my slutty, slutty ways._

A clamor emanating from the stairwell interrupted Calice before she got a chance to really sink her teeth into her prey. I had never been so fucking happy for Emmett's presence in my entire life…_ but I'd be damned if I would let him know that, we had already established rules of engagement to follow._

"Yo, War-do! Whattup?" Em shouted as he clomped and clumped his way up the stairs. Twenty seconds into his visit and his welcome was already overshadowed by the annoyance of having to actually deal with him.

"What the fuck is my room tonight, Grand Central Station? What do you want Emmett, and can't you say hello like a normal human being at a normal decibel level?" I queried in exasperation.

Make no mistake, I loved my siblings… so long as I didn't have to be around them. That's not entirely true. I didn't mind being around them, but lately I felt like they were always watching and judging… _look at the man-whore, look at the man-whore_. They were making me crawl out of my own skin.

"Awww schucks, Eds! You say the sweetest things. I yell 'cause I never know who you got in here, and I don't wanna walk in to see any more crazy shit going on in this den of iniquity that you call a bedroom." Emmett seemed oblivious to both the tension and the chill in the room. He spotted Bella, and before you could say, 'Go the fuck away,' he had her in a bear hug, feet dangling in the air and eyes bugging out of her head. "Hey, Belly! What are you doin' here? I heard you fainted at school today."

I had expected Alice to relax upon hearing Em corroborate what Bella had told her, but she directed her wrath at him instead.

"Emmett, unless you let me breathe, I am going to faint again," Bella protested.

"Silly Belly. I may be a jock, but I'm not dumb; if you can speak then you're not gonna pass out from lack of oxygen. So, you actually nosedived in Banner's class?"

"How come Emmett knew about my best friend fainting in class, and I didn't?" Alice demanded with her arms crossed over her chest and her trademark pout in place.

"Ease up, Ali. I ran into Newton, he asked about Bells and I asked what the fuck he was talkin' about."

"Oh," was her only response.

Emmett had effectively removed any lingering doubt the devil's spawn may have had, but I was sick of the clamor and commotion that seemed to accompany my siblings, so I issued an order. "I hate to break up your little tea party… but get the fuck out of my room."

"Wow, you're in a pissy mood tonight. You wanna talk to your big brother Em about whatever's got your panties in a twist?"

I clenched my teeth as I walked to the door, held it open and said, "Out," my body echoing my words.

"Fine, fine. Just don't come pouting to me when you need help pulling that corncob out of your ass. 'Night little bro."

"Emmett you're barely a month older than me, now get the fuck out."

I was so fucking angry for so many reasons that I wasn't even sure I could name them all—our kiss being interrupted _again_, for almost kissing her in the first place _again_, for Alice's ridiculous behavior, for Emmett just being himself—those were among the few that I could… _but there were more, I knew there were._ I just wanted them to go before I said or did something I would regret.

I was grateful when they filed out one-by-one, first Emmett, followed by Alice, and then Bella. Bella studiously avoided looking at me as she left, but she did hesitate as she passed me. In a barely comprehensible mumble, she thanked me, started to lift her hand as if to wave, and then rushed to catch up to my sister, who I knew would be grilling her for the remainder of the evening. I felt a little pang of sympathy, but it was mostly drowned out by the anger and the confusion I felt over Bella's behavior as she left my room.

Exhausted, I sprawled across my bed, lying in the exact same spot Bella had been laying the whole evening. I buried my face in the blankets and breathed in her lingering scent as I replayed each interaction I had with her throughout the course of the long, fucked-up day, and hoped sleep would claim me soon. Naturally, it didn't.

Finally accepting that sleep was not coming… _if there really was a Sandman, I'd kick him in the balls for being such a dick…_ I got out of bed and crept downstairs to the library to grab a book. When I headed back to my room with my selection, I took the long way past Bella's door. I heard a muffled voice and stopped, fully prepared to barge in and chew Alice out if she was still fucking bothering Bella at one in the morning. I pressed my ear to the door and listened for a moment, and my heart broke for her.

Turned out it wasn't Ali. Bella was asleep and alone and… calling out for her mother in her sleep.

~//~

After that night, Bella seemed to avoid me.

When she was forced to interact with me, she kept the communications brief and refused to look at me. Things continued on like that for the remainder of the week. By Friday I was going mad. I'll admit that I had been a bit of an ass to her that night… _okay, a lot of an ass…_ but I didn't particularly think I deserved the silent treatment. By the time I pulled up to her house to pick her up for the movies that night, I was determined to fix whatever was wrong between us.

So determined, in fact, that Alice didn't even need to employ bribery or coercion to convince me to go. Alice, for whatever reason… _based on the cringe-inducing noises that had been emanating from her room, I would say it was because her and Jasper had been fucking… _wasn't ready to leave when it was time to pick Bella up, soI suggested that they catch a ride to the theater and I would take Bella and meet them there. Alice quirked her eyebrow at me when I offered, but didn't say a word.

Bella, always punctual, blindly climbed into the empty front seat when I pulled into her driveway. She looked into the backseat as I pulled out and what looked like panic flashed across her face when she realized that Alice and Jasper weren't with us. I was a little bit pleased with myself that my subterfuge had been successful. I didn't care that I was forcing her, at least she would finally be talking to me_._

Wrong.

Bell-igerent simply turned up the volume on the stereo, crossed her arms over her chest, and stared mutely out the window the entire trip to Port Angeles, and when we arrived she was out of the car before I could even turn the engine off. Still silent, we stood in line waiting for the others to show up. Since I had nothing else to do, I used the time to Bella-watch. Something was off with her, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I knew she was mad at me, but I didn't think that I was the sole reason for her aloofness.

She seemed so detached, anesthetized to what was going on around her—functioning, but vacant. I tried to recall if she had been like this for the past few days, but she had avoided me so much that I couldn't say. When the rest of the crew arrived, she shifted so that she hovered on the fringes of our grouping, looking for all the world like a frightened deer ready to flee at any minute.

She made no attempts to join in, nor did she pay attention, as everyone discussed what movie to see. When asked for her opinion, she deferred to the group decision and then pretended to get an important message on her phone. I couldn't stand seeing her flat, dull, lifeless eyes any longer; it was _non opportunas_, it did not fit nor belong, and definitely should not have been there.

I was by her side with her wrist in my hand in three long strides, and then I tossed Alice enough money to cover mine and Bella's tickets without even thinking what Alice would make of it. Alice raised her eyebrows and gave me a funny look, as if to say, 'What kind of fuckery are you up to?'

"Bella and I are going to get in line at the concession stand. Does anyone besides Emmett want something?"

"Hey, why not me?" Emmett, easily manipulated where food was involved, became my unwitting accomplice in getting Bella alone without raising too many heads… _*cough*Calice*cough*. _He started pissing and moaning right on cue… s_it, Ubu, Sit. Good dog..._ and one by one the dominos began to fall.

"Because Emmett…" Rosalie's palmcollided with the back of his head "… they don't have a pack mule to haul it all back to you."

"Oh. Good thing I got you to help me, baby."

_Cue the sickening 'look how cute we are and much we love each other' moment._

Everyone responded appropriately to the attractive couple's display of affection, even Bella managed to produce a smile that fooled everyone except me. Happy Couple #2 –Alice and Jasper—placed their order, and we were home free. I towed Bella behind me through the doors of the theater and into one of the lines for the concession stand. As we stood in line, my arm hovered protectively around her, shielding her from being crowded by our fellow movie-goers.

I saw Em and his bitch stand at the back of another line, and when I was certain they couldn't see us, I turned my focus back to the beautiful, troubled girl I was standing with. _Dude, you need to ask your father for a prescription for some testosterone before your dick shrinks and your balls fall off, you fucking girl. Whatever. _Her pupils dilated as she focused on something, and she suddenly looked more defeated than she had seconds before.

I followed her gaze with just enough time to see Lauren fucking Mallory's smirking face eclipsed by the back of someone's head… _was that James?_ They were swallowed up by the crowd before I could ascertain if it was in fact that sick, twisted piece of shit, but I had a feeling it was. _What the fuck were Lauren Mallory and James Hunter doing together? _A feeling of dread crept over me at the thought of that unholy union, but my window of opportunity with Bella was quickly closing so I forced myself to focus on her.

"Bella…" I practically whispered as I finally gave in and allowed the tired arm that I had been ghosting around her to latch on to her hip.

With her tendency to run away from things, it really was a good idea to have hold of her before I started asking questions… _m-hmm, it had nothing to do with wanting her body near yours or touching her. I'll believe that when my shit turns purple and smell like rainbow sherbet._

Even if I had not been able to physically _feel_ it each time Bella's eyes were on me, her glazed and slightly unfocused eyes would have given away the fact that she was looking over my shoulder rather than at me when she tilted her chin toward me and, feigning innocence, questioned, "Hmmm?"

"Where've you been the past couple days? You just… It's like… What's wrong?"

With a smile and laugh, she said, "I'm fine, and what do you mean, where have I been? I've been the same places I always am. It's not like you haven't seen me around."

She quit pretending to look at me and her head started to fall, a silent admission of defeat. _Bella felt defeated._ I barely stopped myself from hissing at the wrongness of that statement. My Bella should never feel defeated; not in this life. She should be vivacious, confident, and carefree like she had been since she landed in Forks. Or had she…? I thought back on it…

…_Come on, now, I hear you're feeling down…_

In truth, there had always been a bit of melancholy below the surface that mirrored the melancholy in me_._ Refusing to watch her collapse in on herself, I brought my hand to her face before she could drop her chin completely. I wanted to be there for her if I could. I couldn't save her, but maybe I could help lighten her burdens.

…_I can ease your pain, and get you on your feet again…_

Of course, she would have to talk to me first… _and she would talk to me one way or another, soon._ I pulled her to me until our hips and arms were touching, and angled her so that I could see her face. With sweet, teasing touches to her face… _softest. skin. ever…_ I was able to bring her eyes back to mine and kept them there as I tried to decipher what the fuck was going through her head.

For a moment, a torturous cacophony of emotion was visible in her eyes.

"You're lying. You've been a million miles away since I found you on the side of the road in the rain on Wednesday. Why…?"

With my eyes, I was imploring her to tell me, talk to me, let me in, and please, let me help her, but she struggled and fought me and pulled her eyes from mine.

"Way to make me sound like a fucking hooker, Cullen. I'm not lying. Could you just fucking drop it?"

"If you don't want to talk to about it, talk to me… fine, tell me you don't want to, but don't lie to me." She would never understand how much she was crushing me, not that I would ever tell her, ever let her know… _never let anyone, not even myself, know._

"Fine! You win! Are you happy? I don't want to talk about it, but I am fine. Okay? Just let it go, for fuck's sake!"

"Fine. If that's what you want…"

"That's exactly what I want," she muttered under her breath.

"… but, if you change your mind, I'll be there for you."

"I won't change my mind," she snipped at me, determinedly decided… _as well as deliciously defiant and desirable. _

It was our turn to order, and we were holding up the line, causing a few malcontents behind us to passive-aggressively grumble, but I was ignoring them. Bell-igerent, seemingly unaware of the sighs and foot-tapping being directed at us, saw the empty register in front of us and stepped forward, giving me no chance for a do-over or to end the conversation on a slightly less combative note. She ordered whatever… _I wasn't fucking listening…_ and then with another power play, paid and quickly left… _saying without words, 'I can take care of myself.'_

~//~

We located our friends inside the auditorium and took our seats. As soon as the lights went out, all the tension that had been building up between us since the night in my room… _since the first second I saw her, if I were honest…_ began pulsing between us. I had hoped that the movie starting would distract me, but it only served to make it worse.

We were surrounded in the darkened theater by lust and the hint of sex as couples cuddled, stole kisses… _and hopefully bases, because I wasn't so much of a dick that I didn't want anyone else to get any if I wasn't…_ touched, and some--*cough*EmmettandRose*cough*--were even full-on making out and lewdly groping one another… _was his hand down her pants?_ _What I wouldn't give to have my hand down Bella's… _Jesus fucking Christ! Didn't anyone go to the theater to actually watch the movie?

I was in agony as the thing—the buzzing, energy, whatever—between us increased to an unbearable level. I don't know how I resisted the urge to grab her and consume her, but I did. Despite the little voice inside my head that kept whispering, telling me to touch her…

_Go on, _it said, _touch her. No one will know. _

_Just a slight brushing of your hands and forearms as you both try to put your arm on the armrest, or an accidental bumping of your shoulders or knees as you shift in your seats…_

And that's when the reasoning voice veered off course and went buck wild, running away with my equally traitorous imagination.

…_and then she entwines her leg with yours as her hand slips underneath the armrest to trace lazy shapes on your thigh, ever so slowly creeping up_, _up, up toward your…_

Whoa, buddy! Hold up.

I felt all jittery and wound up, but crossed my arms and forced myself to stillness like I was a guard standing outside of Buckingham Palace, frozen. Obviously I couldn't be trusted and couldn't risk accidentally touching her…_ accidentally on purpose, don't lie_. I felt her eyes scorch me like a soldering iron every time she stole--what I am sure she thought were furtive-- glances at me. As much as it was killing me, I refused to risk looking at her.

I could feel her own stillness beside me and once snuck a peek at her with my peripheral vision to see her mirroring my posture. A little shock of… delight, happiness, glee… whatever, caused my heart to start beating arrhythmically with the realization that she felt this thing between us too, that she wanted me, but I shut it down and a feeling of helplessness overtook me.

Knowing that our desire was mutual was only going to make it all so much harder to resist, so I couldn't rejoice over the knowledge. In fact, it couldn't even be acknowledged; it would only lead us into temptation and she was tempting enough as it was.

I was relieved when she got up to use the restroom. I was able to finally move from my tight, cramped position, but as the end of the movie drew closer without her return, I grew worried. Without any explanation, I went out to the lobby and toward the restrooms to check on Bella. I approached the corridor containing the bathrooms at an odd angle and I spotted her standing off to the side, engaged in conversation with someone and… _blushing?_ I was irrationally jealous of the person causing her blush and tried to get a look at who it was, but his head was blocked from view by the leaf of a fake ficus.

I quickened my pace and swerved around a group of people, changing my course so that when I stepped into the corridor, Bella was blocked by the person standing in front of her. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was close enough that I could hear them speaking, but he blocked her view of me. As neither of them were aware of my presence, I shamelessly eavesdropped, wanting to punch his stupid fucking face. The strange feeling of dread that I had felt earlier was back, but I chalked it up to my general dislike of him.

_~//~_

_James._

_Stupid prick. _

"No one's more shocked than me. It has been a while. What are you doing here? Are you alone?" _No, she's not alone, you asshat._

"Uh, no. No, I'm not. Alice and… everyone are still in the theater. I had to go to the bathroom and then got a text. The movie's so close to the end that I thought I would just wait here for everyone."

"So, I was thinking…" _Really? _You _were thinking? Do tell. _"…we never have had a chance to get together. You wanna go out tomorrow night? My friend Laurent is having a party here in P.A. and I thought it might be fun to go together... unless you have plans already."

I was pretty grateful for once to Alice. Bella had promised that she would go with all of us to Fuckton's party tomorrow night and, therefore, couldn't go out with James.

"I was thinking that maybe we could get to know each other a little better. Ya' know, maybe grab a bite to eat, then stop by the party for a little while and then I'll take you home. I'm sorry that this is so last minute. If you already have plans then I…"

"I'd love to. Pick me up at Alice's?"

_What the fuck?_

_Oh no she doesn't. She is not going out with him. I'm gonna tell Alice. _I shifted my weight as I prepared to go drag my twin out of the movie theater so I could tattle… and then stopped. _Seriously, Cullen? What are you, like five? You're gonna go rat out the girl that you're obsessed with to your twin sister so that she can't go out with some guy?_ James was not _some guy_, but… point taken.

"Six okay?" He asked.

"Perfect." I could hear the smile in her voice as she agreed.

"Well, I should get back to my friends then," he said and then paused as he leaned forward. _Still using my cast-off moves, I saw. Dude, learn some new ones… of your own._ He kissed her hand and then said… _wait for it, wait… _"Until tomorrow, Bella."

"Goodnight, James." I heard the blush in her voice and I wanted to beat his stupid fucking face in more than I had ever wanted to in my entire life, but I couldn't; I had to get it together because James was turning around.

He caught my eye and smirked. _The fucker knew I was there the entire time. _Never once breaking eye contact, he paused beside me as he passed, and then, just loud enough for me to hear, he said, "Guess I'll be the one fucking her first, Cullen. I am going to fill every hole she's got. No one's gonna want her when I am done with her."

My vision blurred and ran red. I was gonna fucking kill him… _stupid motherfucking piece of shit… _but Bella was standing in front of me, and I knew I couldn't. Stuffing my rage back down, I shot him a look that clearly said that this wasn't over, and then turned my attention back to her. She was staring straight at me, but so dazzled by the cunt that she didn't appear to be seeing anything at all. _Ease up, Overkill. He's not that fucking charming, he's more like a snake-oil salesmen—smarmy, slimy, and not to be trusted._

I didn't like seeing that he affected her in a good way, but rather than admit it, I hid behind my anger. She snapped out of her daze, and I quickly masked the disgust and barely controlled rage that I knew was apparent on my face. With my 'Edward Fucking Cullen, Sex God, Cockstar and Climax-Providing Extraordinaire' mask in place, I felt more prepared to deal with her, less likely to give away whatever the fuck it was that I felt.

I watched as she underwent a startling transformation before my eyes. Each emotion played across her face, and as her expression finally settled on anger I noticed her eyes grew brighter, she got that spark back. It wasn't just a brief flare of liveliness that fizzled out in seconds. No, this caught and burned, and I decided I would gladly take her anger if it would rid her eyes of that dead look that had recently taken up residence.

"You following me around, Cullen?" She asked with an edge to her voice.

"No. You never came back, and Alice asked…" I stumbled with my words, revealing the Bella-shaped chink in my armor "… I was… was worried about you," I finally confessed.

"Well, I'm fine." Her response was abrupt and to the point.

_Don't say it, man. Do not say it. Don't do it. _Ignoring the voice in my head… _the one time the entire day, probably longer, that I should have listened…_ I opened my mouth and heard those three little words fall out, "So… James, huh?"

_Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck! _

"Yep." I clenched my jaw for a brief moment and then forced myself to relax. Time to switch tactics. _Okay, time to use tactics instead of thinking with my feelings like a fucking girl._

"What are you going to tell Alice? You know she is gonna be pissed, right?"

"Not that it's your business or anything, but I think I'll tell her that I was asked out on a date by a fuckhot guy and that as much fun as hanging out with her and her perfect boyfriend usually is, I'm tired of always being the third wheel. And I am pretty sure that she won't be pissed."

_Brilliant, Cullen. _Wait, did she just say he was fuckhot?

"I'm sorry for asking. We'll miss you tomorrow." Internally, I was raging at myself. _You are not just gonna give up like that, man!_ But I didn't see what more I could possibly do… and then I got an idea. "What are you doing in the morning?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"I have something I want to show you."

"Show me what?" She looked like she didn't trust me. _Burn!_

"I can't say. Just say that you'll come with me."

"Fine." The look on her face when she agreed… _priceless_.

She looked absolutely panicked, and I knew she would try to back out at the first opportunity she got, but I didn't call her on it. Instead I simply said, "Cool."

"There you guys are! What's going on?" _Seriously. She needs a fucking bell. Not even kidding._

Bella stared blankly and then opened her mouth, sputtered, closed her mouth again and resumed staring blankly. Just as she was about to start her whole spiel over again, I decided to go ahead and step in and take the bullet for her.

"Well, I had to take a piss. Swan, here…" I motioned toward her "… supposedly had to use the restroom as well, but I kinda think she's full of shit since she didn't drag you and Rose along. It's probably best that she was by herself though, 'cause you'll never guess who Swan bumped into."

_Okay, so maybe I didn't take the bullet, I just diverted it temporarily and gave Alice time to get a bigger weapon. _

Bella's mouth fell open and a look of shock and outrage appeared. _Score! Neener, neener, neener, you can't date that wiener!_ Real mature, fucktard. Bella glared at me in the midst of my internal gloating, but I just walked away. Deep down I realized that I was being all, 'if I couldn't date her, then no one will' and I knew it was unfair, but I refused to acknowledge it… _no matter how true it was._

I wasn't doing this out of jealousy…_ not entirely…_ I was trying to keep her safe. This was a James Hunter-specific interference. I spotted Dimwit, his bitch, and Spazz in the crowd, and I walked over to them, silently promising Bella that after I got rid of the sleaze, I would never again interfere in her love life.

_Liar._

~//~

**The Present**

I needed a break from the mind-numbing monotony of driving…_ anything to put off getting to Forks a bit longer…_ so I pulled off at one of those scenic viewpoints on the side of the highway. I got out and stretched my legs and tried to untangle the mess I had gotten myself into. I wasn't worried about Tanya. I had decided what to do about her; she and I were through.

What was I gonna do about Bella?

I had an inkling that Bella might think she was in love with me, but that was the problem; she 'thought' she was in love with me. She had never been allowed to be in a real relationship with me to see what I was really like. She didn't know how selfish I could be, how moody I was, how sometimes I just needed my space and to be alone for a few days, so how could she love me?

Even if she did love me, I didn't know if I loved her… at least, not like that. I mean, I cared about her. I maybe even loved her as a person, but romantically… I don't know. I am not really sure that I even know what romantic love is.

But could I give Bella up, and if I couldn't, could I give her a relationship? Wouldn't a relationship change what we had between us?

I was coming up with more questions than answers, so, frustrated, I got back in the car and merged back onto the highway. I tuned in KISW 99.9 and had my own personal Jerry Maguire moment…

…_and I'm a bad boy, 'cause I don't even miss her, _

_I'm a bad boy for breakin' her heart, _

_and I'm free, I'm free fallin'._

_All the vampires walkin' through the valley_

_move west down Ventura Blvd, _

_and all the bad boys are standing in the shadows, _

_all the good girls are home with broken hearts…_

~//~

**Songs Used In Order Of Appearance:**

_Purple Haze_, Jimi Hendrix_  
Comfortably Numb,_ Pink Floyd_  
Free Fallin',_ Tom Petty

A/N: Hopefully you liked this first half of chapter 11, but I won't know if you don't leave me a review so please do. Before you ask, AK will be covered in the 2nd half of this chapter. It just wouldn't fit in this first half.

Thanks to my super-beta Vanessarae for putting up with my neuroses and loving me despite. Also, the girls over at the Bad, Broken and Dead threads- love you all.

Thanks to Lalina for pimping me out, and for always WC'ing with me. You know I love you. The Sacrificial Lamb is wrapping up soon so if you have not read it, just dew eeet. Thanks to my other WC mates, Ali and Em. Between you two and La, I actually manage to get some stuff done, and laugh my ass off while doing it. Plus, you guys give me valuable feedback. Thanks to you too, Wifey, for always being willing to look at anything I send you, and letting me know what you think! You girls are like my RedBull cause you give me wings. How fucking cheesy am I?

Finally, thanks to all of you who read and review. Please don't stop. I know I suck sometimes at replying, but I read them all and I swear I will eventually get back to you. I have to decide between replying or writing a lot of times and I get the feeling most of you would rather I write. Thanks also for the peeps who put me and/or BH on alert or favorite us. Means a lot.

Oh, and Miztrezboo, I am all over that shit today. Can't believe you called my ass out for still not getting my reviews for you done. Its okay, you didn't read BH in one night. Lol. Told you it was long.

**Rec's (I am forgetting one, but I will catch it next time around.)**

Reality and Other Inconveniences by OhMyWord  
The Long Road Home by tripsonflatsurfaces  
The Porcupine Embrace by houroflead  
Short Attention Span by netratilloy  
Incarcerated by Goldenmeadow  
Behind the Clouds by EchoesofTwilight

In the immortal words of Porky the Pig, "That's all, Folks!"


	14. Chapter 12 Disarm

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns the characters and I certain plot points, I just own the manipulations.

**A/N:** The Alaska explanation has gotten its own chapter so there will no Chapter 11, Part 2. However, there will be another EPOV Chapter. Sorry this took so long, but when you read you'll see why. I will save the rest of my comments for the end.

****WARNING** **  
The following contains violence and talk of rape. Do not read if you find offensive.

Also, V, beta extraordinaire, recommends having tissues handy. That is all.

**

* * *

Chapter 12- Disarm

* * *

**

Disarm you with a smile  
And cut you like you want me to  
Cut that little child  
Inside of me and such a part of you  
Ooh, the years burn…

…Disarm you with a smile  
And leave you like they left me here  
To wither in denial  
The bitterness of one who's left alone  
Ooh, the years burn  
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy  
So old in my shoes  
And what I choose is my voice  
What's a boy supposed to do?  
The killer in me is the killer in you  
My love  
I send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you…

-_Disarm_, Smashing Pumpkins

~//~

**4.5 Years Earlier**

She failed me.

Totally and completely let me down.

Not only was Alice not upset about Bella bailing on their plans, she was planning on helping her get ready for her date. _Traitor._

My only consolation was that I would have Bella's undivided attention for the entire morning, even if she was unaware of it. I felt slightly guilty for my small deception, but not enough to actually to tell her about it. It was the only way to guarantee that she'd come with me and it wasn't like I actually lied to her—I really was going to show her something—I just didn't tell her the entire truth about what or where, but it's not like she asked either. I can't say for sure that I would have told her had she questioned me. Besides, it was more imperative than ever that I speak to her alone and without fear of interruption or eavesdropping.

My plan, once I got her to the place that I wanted to show her, was to get her to finally open up to me, but since Alice failed to act as she was supposed to, I had the added burden of having to subtly dissuade her from going out with James… _and I had a feeling that it was not going to be easy to do nor well received._ The odds that I accomplish either objective were slim, because, lets face it, my success rate with getting her to open up to me was shit, but I still had to try, and this time I had actually formed a plan.

Okay, it wasn't really a plan per se, nor was the idea actually mine… _not that my ideas had gotten me anywhere. _Bella had planted the seed the night before during failed attempt number two of Operation: Get Bella to Talk to You. At first her words had pissed me off, but once they sunk in I realized that she was right. I couldn't expect her to lower her walls when I constantly thwarted her efforts to get a peek behind mine. If that's what she needed before she could make that leap of faith and trust me with part of her, no matter how small that part may be, then I would do it.

She was going to be the first one allowed behind the curtain to see the real me, the Dorothy to my Wizard of Oz. I would show her the very darkest parts me… knowing she would run. _Although, it was probably for the best._

~//~

With a bit of craftiness on my part, I managed to avoid Bella for the remainder of the night, not giving her any opportunity to bail on me. The next morning found us hiking deep in the Olympic National Forest, the only rainforest located in North America, but luckily it was one of those rare days that it wasn't raining... _at least not yet, but it was only 7:30 in the morning. _It was much too early to go throwing around blanket statements regarding the weather.

A statement like that was only jinxing us, and I had no business asking for trouble. The fact that we were a good thirty minutes to an hour away… _depending on how much of the hike back Stumbellina insisted upon trying to do on her own two feet…_ from the house and neither of us were wearing a raincoat, was already stacking the odds against us. _Mother Nature had a cruel, 'Murphy's Law' sense of humor._

Finally, just after 7:30 am, I halted, sliding Bella off of my back to stand on her own feet. We were a couple of miles from the house, the evergreen wall in front of us making it look like we had reached a dead end. I placed Bella between me and the wall of branches and then pulled back several large ones, revealing what I had brought her there to see. I heard her quiet gasp as she took in the sight before her.

This was the place that soothed me, calmed me, the one place where I could be entirely alone, my sanctuary, my shelter, my respite… _my meadow._

I had never shared it with anyone, never even considered it, but seeing her step into the clearing—breath coming out in icy puffs, cheeks reddened from the cold, eyes shining with wonderment and awe, shards of sunlight piercing through the dense canopy of green above us and fracturing across her dark hair—she took my breath away andit just felt right, she felt like she belonged there. I stared, captivated and completely entranced by the vision in front of me; I never wanted to forget that moment.I wanted to sear the memory into my flesh so that I when I scared her away, which was moments away from happening, I would be able to look at the fleeting perfection whenever I wanted.

When rational thought returned, much too soon… _unless I wanted to look like the dude in that old Jethro Tull song, Aqualung… _I led her over to the log/makeshift bench that was overlooking the creek from the highest point of the bank. When we were both settled on the log—her nestled in on one end and me on the other—with my gaze carefully fixed on the treeline on the far side of the meadow to avoid her guileless eyes, I began to speak. I was going to tell her, but I wanted her to understand why I brought her out here before I revealed my secrets. _I was maybe hemming and hawing a little bit, buying some time before I had to reveal myself for the monster I really was… but can you blame me?_

"Sometimes things start to overwhelm me. Like I can hear all of these voices in my head and no matter what I do nothing seems to drown them out. I just need to get away, go someplace quiet where I can't hear my own thoughts for a while…"-I risked a peek at her-"…you know what I mean?"

I turned to look at her fully, awaiting her confirmation, and then looked back across the creek as I continued.

"One day the voices just got too fucking loud, so I went for a walk on the garden loop. I found a deer trail and followed it here. I've been coming back ever since. It's the one place I can always find peace and… I thought maybe it could do the same thing for you. I've never taken anyone else here. I just didn't think they would appreciate it…"

"And you thought I would?" I nodded. "Edward, I… I don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing this place… your meadow with me."

"It's our meadow now," I whispered, unintentionally, but sincerely, not caring how cheesy… _or how much like a pussy…_ I sounded.

"Whoever ends up with you is going to be a lucky girl, Edward Cullen. A very lucky girl."

I told myself that I imagined the longing in her voice because it was too dangerous to acknowledge it. She was like forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge; tempting, but would ultimately be my downfall unless puritanically resisted. It was easier to resist the apple and save both of us, pretending it didn't exist. _After all, ignorance was bliss. _

Saying a final prayer… _to the universe in general, I wasn't picky and beggars can't be choosers_… that I wasn't wrong about her, while at the same time summoning all of my courage and hoping…_ pointless as I knew it to be…_ she wouldn't hate me when I was through, I began to tell her about the time before we lived in Forks…

"Did Alice ever tell you why we left Alaska?"

"Um, yeah. Your dad was offered a job…?"

"That's why we moved to Forks, but that's not why we left Alaska, we left because of me."

"Whad-whaddya mean? I don't understand."

"No one is supposed to know about any of this, Bella. You have to swear to me, on your life, that you will carry this to the grave with you. If you told anyone anything, even in passing, my family would be destroyed." The heavy truth causing my voice to crack, I begged her with my eyes to not betray my trust.

She hesitated, grasping the enormity of the situation, and then hesitantly nodded her obeisance.

~//~

_Carlisle and Esme are originally from Chicago, which is where Alice and I were born… Emmett too, but that's not really important right now. Our birth mothers name was… is, I don't really know, Elizabeth Masen, and she was sixteen when she gave birth to us. We were the product of a fucked up, semi-incestuous relationship between her and her stepfather, Marcus Masen. Her mother, Didyme, justifiably lost it when she found out. She separated from Marcus and, since it was too late to terminate the pregnancy, refused to allow Elizabeth to keep us._

_Meanwhile, Carlisle and Esme had found out that Esme was unable to have children; they were heartbroken. They had wanted a big family and now they couldn't. Rather than give up, they decided to adopt and promptly got on the waiting lists of several adoption agencies. It didn't look good, as they were told that their wait could be as long as two years, maybe more, but they weren't giving up hope._

_When she was seven months along, Elizabeth went into premature labor. She was taken to the hospital where Carlisle was doing his residency, and he happened to be the on-call doctor paged when she was admitted. After running some tests, it turned out that she was just having Braxton-Hicks contractions. He went to go deliver the good news, and on the way overheard two nurses discussing Liz's situation. Curious, he made a couple of quiet inquiries and discovered that, aside from deciding that she would not be keeping them, no decisions on exactly what to do with the children she was carrying had been made._

_That meant that we would most likely have been turned over to the state had Carlisle not intervened, but he did. He didn't particularly know if he believed in fate, but Esme and he were desperate for a family and we were in need of one; he didn't think it was just a coincidence. He pulled Mrs. Masen aside, explained his own situation, and then offered to pay for all of Elizabeth's existing medical bills, including delivery and any post-natal care Elizabeth might need, if they would be willing to allow him and Esme to privately adopt us._

_Grateful, as if it was the answer to her prayers, she agreed, and Carlisle had one of the adoption agencies that they were working with draw up the paperwork. Once completed, it was filed and, although unborn, we were officially Cullens. It was supposed to be a closed adoption, meaning that no information would be disclosed to Elizabeth after we were born, nor would she be allowed any contact with us in the future, but being the tenderhearted soul that she is, Esme offered to send monthly updates for the first year._

_Esme readied our nursery while awaiting our birth, and then finally, the day arrived. Carlisle handled the delivery while Esme held Elizabeth's hand and even cut the umbilical cord before we were handed off to a nurse to be cleaned up. Elizabeth saw us once, immediately following the delivery, and then we were whisked away to the nursery with Esme while Elizabeth was taken to recovery. Sitting in the nursery, holding us in their arms for the first time, Esme and Carlisle were overjoyed to be the proud new parents of twins- a boy, Edward Anthony, and a girl, Mary Alice._

_Because their families were part of Chicago's social elite—Old Money, if you will—our birth was announced in the society pages and a belated baby shower was held to both celebrate our birth and introduce us properly. I guess it was a big thing or some shit I am not really sure. They fell into the role of parents easily, and Esme was so grateful that she faithfully provided Elizabeth with updates and pictures of us with more frequency than she said she would, often times sending three or more thick envelopes a month. Per the terms of the adoption, there was no return correspondence, so Esme had no way of knowing if they were reaching her. They also had no way of knowing that six months after we were born, Didyme Masen died in a car accident on her way home from work._

_Custody of Elizabeth, still a minor, was given to her closest living relative… Marcus Masen. Turned out that Didyme had not only never gotten around to divorcing him, she never even filed for legal separation. Marcus was a bottom dweller, and always had his eyes and ears open, trying to come up with his next big scam. He had seen our birth announcement in the paper, but paid it little attention aside from the thought that we were lucky bastards that had lucked out. He got the mail one day, quickly puting two and two together when he saw the Cullen family seal on an envelope containing pictures of two infants and began to form a plan. Shortly before our first birthday, Marcus showed up on our doorstep._

_He was demanding to be compensated monetarily for the loss of his children, and if he wasn't, he threatened to take Carlisle and Esme to court and sue for custody. Believing that he didn't have a leg to stand on, Carlisle sent him packing and called his family's lawyers to inform them of what had happened. Neither Carlisle, nor his lawyers, thought that it would get that far… but it did._

_The suit was splashed all over the newspapers simply because of who they were, or rather, who their parents were. Marcus used the media to garner sympathy, crying to every outlet that would listen about his outrage over never even being given a chance to know or care for his children, painting Esme and Carlisle as the rich, bad guys who bought the children that he had only recently found out about. He left out the fact that the mother of the children in question was his now 17 year old step daughter. In fact, somehow the topic of our mother was managed to be avoided entirely. Carlisle and Esmes lawyers felt that forcing the issue would only further complicate things._

_Further following the advice of their lawyers, and because they didn't believe in slinging mud or getting involved in a he said/she said war of words, they refused to comment in the press. The judge decided that in order to cause as little disruption to our lives as possible until the matter was definitively resolved, we would remain in the care of Carlisle and Esme. Using the influence of their family connections, the case was rushed through the courts and finally, just a few short, but also terribly long, months after Marcus' sudden appearance at our door, the day of reckoning arrived._

_Esme and Carlisle had the best lawyers that money could buy and had every reason to believe that they would prevail over Marcus' court-appointed public defender. And they would have… if his attorney hadn't gotten lucky and stumbled across a small paperwork error made by the adoption agency. Because of one missing signature, Marcus won the case and the judge ordered that we be immediately turned over to Daddy Dearest. The courtroom was in an uproar when the ruling was delivered. Carlisle, mild mannered as he was, declared in a fit of rage that he would own the adoption agency by the time he was done with them, and ordered his attorneys to sue the piss out of them._

_He then escorted a distraught Esme, out of the courtroom. By the time they arrived home, she was nearly hysterical and had to be given a sedative to calm her down. Devastated, she slowly sunk into the depths of despair as her depression worsened with each passing day and each loss suffered as they continued to fight for our return, but they still persevered. He refused to admit defeat, but ever pragmatic, Carlisle realized that their chances of getting us back were slim. Still, he refused to give up on their dream of having a family because doing so felt like giving up on them, and he would never do that. With the wait being so long, and them wanting a large family, they remained on the waiting list at two of the adoption agencies they had originally been working with._

_They received a call from one of the agencies a few months after losing us, saying that they had a little boy, a bit older than what they were looking for, unexpectedly available for adoption. Aware of what had happened with our adoption, they wanted to see if they would be interested in meeting and possibly adopting Emmett. Esme jumped on the offer without even consulting Carlisle. She told them that she didn't even need to meet him, just please start the paperwork._

_Now, I know it sounds like Esme agreed to adopt Emmett as a way of filling the void our loss had left, like he was some sort of consolation prize, but that simply wasn't the case; they never ceased or let up in their efforts to fight for our return, and she never stopped mourning our loss. The adoption agency insisted that they meet him, but started getting the paperwork together while they waited for them to see Emmett and make their final decision. Aside from the debacle that our adoption had been, the adoption agency had another reason behind suggesting the adoption._

_With Carlisle being a doctor, they were uniquely qualified to care for a child with Emmett's problems. Emmett was a runty little thing, a fact that by itself was enough to dissuade other prospective clients from the adoption, and had been so malnourished and neglected that the doctors treating him weren't sure if he would ever develop properly or what other problems might arise because of it, but Carlisle and Esme could not have cared less. All they saw was a little boy that was in desperate need of a kind and loving home._

Bella snorted when she heard the doctors' prognosis and when I paused to take a deep breath, said with a chuckle, "Guess they were wrong about that, huh?"

I gave her a tight smile, knowing that she was trying to lighten the mood… _plus, it was actually pretty funny if you had a sense of humor, I just didn't right then._ Dread filled the pit of my stomach, knowing that I had a long way to go before I got to the worst of the story, but I took a deep breath and continued on. "They told the agency to continue with the adoption, had their lawyers overlook everything to make sure that 'i' had been dotted and every 't' had been crossed—having been burned once, they weren't leaving anything to chance—and less than a month after the process had begun, Emmett was theirs..."

~//~

_At first, Esme appeared to be doing a bit better, but after discovering her too many times sitting in the rocking chair in our nursery, our teddy bears clutched to her chest, sobbing over our loss, Carlisle realized that she was just doing a better job of hiding her grief. Unable to take her pain any longer, and having been informed by his lawyers that they had virtually exhausted all of their legal avenues, he decided to look into their suggestion that he try other means, if he was so determined. Carlisle decided that he would take their advice and called the number on he was given for one J. Jenks, Esquire._

_No one knows where the 'Esquire' came from, but the general consensus is that he added it in order to sound as if he was of more import than he actually was. Regardless, it was through J. Jenks that Carlisle located and hired Demetri Caius, a private investigator-general 'get the job done' kind of guy, to track down Marcus. He didn't say a word to Esme about it, as he didn't want her getting her hopes up, and he was determined that if we were happy and safe, he wouldn't intervene._

_As feared, the report wasn't good. Demetri discovered that we were living in deplorable conditions, and barely being taken care of. He did a little further investigating, and found that Marcus was hard up for money as he had racked up a rather substantial gambling debt. He owed money to some of Chicago's most ruthless bookies and they were about to start collecting. Carlisle couldn't let that happen, at least not before he got us back._

_If anything happened to Marcus, we, along with Elizabeth, would be swallowed up by the system and lost forever, and Esme, constant as she's always been, would never cease pining. The sympathetic doctor and loving husband that he was and, most importantly, the father he had only recently become, all screamed at him; he was determined to do whatever it took to get us back. Against his better judgment and the law, he told Demetri to make the arrangements and then contact Marcus._

"Luck was finally on his side. When Demetri caught up to Marcus, less than a day after he had been worked over by one of his bookie's goons and physically aware of just how much debt he had, he was more than agreeable to the terms he was given. He accepted the proposition and Carlisle joined them, tending Marcus' wounds as they hammered out an agreement. They settled on an undisclosed amount of money…"

"Wait, you don't know how much it was?" Bella asked, interrupting me before hopefully adding, in typical Bella fashion, "Maybe it wasn't very much then?"

Shaking my head, I replied, "I assure you it was a substantial sum, Isabella. My trust fund, which is large enough that I could live the rest of my life without ever having to work, is chump change compared to the amount of money Carlisle paid to get us back."

I hated reminding her of how much money we had, specifically how much money I had… _I was comfortable because of it, but I wasn't really comfortable with it honestly…_ it was just the easiest way to illustrate how substantial a sum I was talking about.

Properly impressed… _as was I, never doubt…_she simply said, "Oh."

_According to their agreement, Carlisle would pay off Marcus' bookies and, when all of his debts had been dispatched, Marcus would hand us over. Not trusting Marcus—I mean, would you trust a man that knocked his stepdaughter up and was now selling the resulting children?—arrangements were made to assure that everything went according to plan and that no one would be hurt._

_In a strange twist of the fate that Carlisle didn't really believe in, but nevertheless thought had abandoned him, one of the bookies had been a patient of Carlisle's the year prior, when he suffered cardiac arrest. Indebted to Carlisle for saving his life, even if it was his Hippocratic Oath as a doctor, and a family man himself, it was decided that the exchange would take place at one of the businesses he owned and utilized as a front for his more illustrious activities._

_When everything had been set in motion and he was too far in to back out, he finally told Esme what he was doing. He was worried about her reaction because, no matter how devastating her loss, Esme had never broken a law in her life and he could never see her approving of essentially purchasing us. Esme surprised him, though. She not only approved, but informed him that she had been about to resort to the same methods herself and asked what she could do to help._

_Claiming that they wanted to get away from the continuing media scrutiny for the sake of their child, they put their Chicago home up for sale. Utilizing his extensive connections in the medical community, Carlisle secured a new position in a remote area of the country—Alaska. Carlisle sent his family's realtor there to find a suitable tract of land for purchase and a house that they could rent until theirs was built._

_J. Jenks acquired the documentation necessary to make things seem legit and, everything finally ready and unable to back out even if they wanted to, they informed their parents of what they were doing. Despite, or maybe because of, their staunchy, pompous, and decidedly WASPish ways, they were entirely on board. So supportive, that they refused to let Carlisle spend any more of what was left of his and Esme's finances. They handled all of the remaining financing, including making the already generous amount Marcus was to receive even sweeter, hoping to dissuade any further blackmail attempts._

_When all the preparations had been made, and their belongings en route, Esme and Emmett finally departed for Alaska. Carlisle said that he was sending them ahead so that she could make sure that everything was prepared for our arrival, but she knew it was primarily to assure him that they would remain safe should anything go wrong._

"Everything went according to plan, and we joined Esme and Emmett in Alaska where we lived quietly… for the next eleven years or so."

"And then you guys moved to Forks, right?" She continued on without waiting for me to answer. "I don't see how that affects your family so much. I mean, yeah, what they did was illegal, but that's not as serious as what I was expecting. I was expecting that you were fugitives or something."

I barked out an un-amused laugh—she didn't know how close she was to the truth—and then roughly said, "I'm not finished."

"Oh, sorry. Please continue."

I shrugged at her. _No need to be sorry._

~//~

_When I was twelve I went through a bit of a rebellious phase and attempted to locate my birth mother. No one, not even Alice, knew what I was up to. Unfortunately, I got lucky… or unlucky, however you choose to look at it, and found her. Long story short, my mother, Marcus in tow, showed up one day and kidnapped Alice and I as we walked home from school with Emmett. It took five days to reach Chicago driving in a piece of shit Buick while held at gunpoint._

_He used Alice and me against one another, threatening her with my death and vice versa, to prevent us from running or attempting to get help. Elizabeth kept apologizing, but she was powerless to help us, she couldn't even help herself. A junkie created by Marcus, and a whore to boot, she was so far gone that it was unlikely she was even aware of what was going on._

_Marcus was a bad man, much worse than anyone ever imagined, and I was terrified of what would happen when reached Chicago. The whole five day trip Marcus kept talking about his plans for us. He was going sell us… again, only this time we weren't going to end up in a happy home with loving parents. He took joy in telling me about how I would be purchased by some man with a penchant for little boys and that he hoped I liked taking it up the ass. He said he would be able to fetch decent money for me, but it was how much he would get for Alice that really got him excited._

"It sickened me and I swore that I wouldn't let that happen to her. I could handle whatever happened to me, so long as Alice was safe, I just wasn't sure I could make that happen. Alice had almost completely withdrawn, hardly even acknowledging me, when we finally made it to Chicago." My voice broke and a fraction of my regret, self-loathing, and pain seeped into my voice, causing my next words to hitch and crack. "Seeing my normally vivacious sister just… _missing _like she was; it still haunts me."

Neither of us spoke, and the sentence hung heavily in the air, the weight of the words too heavy to dissipate in the wind that swirled icily through the meadow. It was silent for the several minutes that it took me to compose myself before continuing.

"Marcus told us that it would do us no good to go to the police because he had friends at the Chicago P.D., and then he hit us with the most shocking revelation of all… even if we did contact someone that he didn't know, there was nothing they could do because he had legal custody of us..."

_We didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. We knew that we were all adopted—how could we not, considering—but the exact circumstances surrounding mine and Alice's adoption had been carefully hidden from us. Carlisle and Esme were the only parents we had ever known; they had to have custody of us, right? How else could they make medical decisions for us and enroll us in school, right? Oh, how wrong we learned we were._

_The whole situation only proved that Fate was toying with us. The information supporting Marcus' claims was locked away in a hidden safe in Carlisle's office—the very safe whose combination I filched from Carlisle, and in the exact same file, sitting directly behind the very information that I had broken into said safe to find and then used to locate our birthmother and bring all of this hell upon us._

_Had almost any other document in that file been on top for me to pull out first, or had our parents simply been honest with us, all of it would have been prevented, but things didn't work out that way." I looked directly at Bella as I said my next sentence. "It was a hell of a way to learn about the high price that often accompanies keeping secrets, but it definitely stuck with me._

_I'm not saying that you shouldn't have secrets, just that you better be damn sure that you are prepared to face the consequences should the truth come out." I didn't know if she understood my subtle lesson but I had faith she would. I resumed my tale, noticeably more reticent knowing that I still hadn't reached the worst part, but it was drawing closer._

_I never doubted the revelation that Marcus revealed to us, and knowing that the authorities would be no help, I realized that our chance of rescue were slim to none, but I wasn't giving up yet. I knew the address of both sets of grandparents there in Chicago, and I held out hope that if I could just get away, get to them, then maybe we had a shot at surviving the plague that I had brought down upon us. It was no use trying to reach Carlisle and Esme; they wouldn't be much help to us from all the way up in Alaska, and they couldn't have a clue as to where we were or whom we were with._

_Yes, Emmett had been with us when we were abducted, but Marcus had knocked him out almost immediately. No way did he have enough time to get a fix on the situation or provide a reliable description beforehand. Although really, considering it was Emmett, I wasn't holding out hope. I was positive that he could have watched the entire thing with opera glasses while standing five feet away, and still not have been able to provide a usable description. I mean, he wasn't exactly the most articulate of people, and he had a rather limited vocabulary even for someone of his age._

_On top of that, no one knew that I had even tried to contact Elizabeth, therefore, I couldn't see any reason for them to suspect her or Marcus' involvement in any of this. With no leads to go on, the only thing our parents knew was that we were gone and that we had been taken by someone._

_I tried to remain hopeful for Alice's sake, and days passed when it dawned on me for the first time that not only could we not go to the authorities, but neither could our parents. What little hope I had began to wither and die; Alice and I were fucked, and it was all because of me and some stupid, selfish desire I had to meet the woman who had given us the fuck away, and was now watching passively as he plotted to sell us to be used as essentially living sex dolls. I guess I had wanted to know if maybe I would have fit in better with her, because I certainly didn't feel like I fit in at home, and when I got my wish, all I wanted to do was go back to my home._

_Our accommodations in Chicago were a far cry from what we were used to in Alaska. We were locked in a windowless room in the basement apartment of a ramshackle tenement that looked like it would fall over with the next strong gust of wind, and being Chicago, it could happen at any time. There was a stained, dilapidated, and lumpy mattress on the floor in the far corner, bare except for a mostly shredded sheet and a green wool blanket that was military surplus… pshaw! It was so tattered that it didn't just look like military surplus, it looked as if it had survived the Goddamn Civil War._

_The only other items in the room were an old wooden chair with a missing backrest and a bucket, which turned out to be our toilet. It was a regular fucking paradise," I said bitterly, my jaw clenching at the memories of what we endured there. "We were pretty much forgotten about for the first week that we were there. They even forgot to feed us most of the time and when they did it wasn't much. At the end of the second day, Elizabeth set a large jug of water inside the door for us, and I remember that I nearly cried. I had never been so damn grateful for water in my life._

_The only time we saw anyone was when Elizabeth would either remember or be ordered to give us food and water, or the few occasions when she was made to replace the bucket in the room with an empty one. Even though we never saw Marcus, we still heard his voice, and even when we didn't, his presence still constantly loomed over us. And the things we heard… some of the sounds we could recognize quite easily—the sound of a hand colliding with someone's body, the sounds of sex, sometimes forced and sometimes not—but some of them… some of them we couldn't, didn't want to imagine what could possibly be causing them."_

I am not sure what she saw on my face, but whatever it was set her in motion. Her upper body and torso nearly horizontal with the log/bench, supported by her hands, she was half crawling towards me with a look of pained empathy, but I waved her away. Not only did I not want her sympathy, her pity, but I just didn't think I could handle her touching me just then. My desire to forget was amplifying the urge to just bury myself inside her and pound away until I felt in control of myself again, and I wasn't going to use her that way, not ever.

…_It's only when I lose myself in someone else that I find myself, I find myself…_

I met her gaze and saw the hurt from my rebuff reflected from the dark pools and I subtly shook my head, a gentle, _'It's not you.'_ I waited until I was certain that she understood and pulled herself back up so that she was sitting nestled against the boulder once more before I pulled my eyes from hers and began again in monotone.

"You would think that it wasn't really that bad, considering we were essentially left alone during all of that time, but… God, Bella!" The word burst from me, sounding like a cross between a moan and a sob, and then trailed off.

I should have been embarrassed, should have cared that I was losing my shit in front of a chick—especially this one—and later I probably wouldn't even be able to look at her, but at that moment I was too lost in my head, locked back inside that dim, squalid room, reliving each painful memory. Every second of those weeks of hell were burned into the back of my eyelids in living color, and permanently etched upon my psyche.

For some reason the scents stuck with me the most. I could, at will, recall with absolute precision and clarity each smell, and rather than a scent violently setting my memories on me, my memories set off the scents. Greasy, matted hair and unwashed bodies, musty wool, the repugnant scent I couldn't name that emitted from the grungy, disgusting mattress—Alice and I huddled together under the one, too thin blanket, trying to keep warm in that damp basement on a cool spring night.

Mildew, dampness, a dense chalkiness and glue—the brittle, yellowing, and in some cases mildewing paper of the drywall as it peeled away to expose the crumbling gypsum of the deteriorating, sheet-rocked walls. My eyes closed and I could even feel the dust from the sheetrock against my finger-tips as I picked at the walls, my nose tickled and I felt like I was going to sneeze. A gentle puff of wind passed over me, taking with it the memory-smells, and I opened my eyes.

"I just… I can't even find the words. It was, in a way, so very much worse. All those hours locked in a room with no windows and no way to count the hours except for my rather unreliable, beaten-up wristwatch. I would have welcomed a beating, any abuse they were willing to dish out _to me,_ but the isolation was intolerable." My voice was hoarse, my breathing spiked and ragged, I knew I was close to losing it, but I had come too far, was too close to the end to puss out, so I powered through, trying to get her to understand.

"It was like being in a permanently animated state of suspension, neither here nor there, unable to move forward nor backward, for better or worse, we were in limbo. The remaining hope I had left--that I was trying to maintain for Alice's sake--was defenseless against the crippling helplessness that descended, opening the door for desolation to creep in and root deep inside. If I hadn't dragged Ali into that nightmare with me, I probably could come to terms with the knowledge that I might die in that room, or shortly after I left it; whether physically or just emotionally, mentally.

"With Ali there, though, I had to be strong for both of us and couldn't curl up into a ball of defeat like I wanted to; she was already checked out enough that I was worried she may never come back… and it was all my fault. The only thing that allowed me to dream, to believe that there was any chance at all that she could come back from all I caused her to go through, was that every now and then she would stop staring through me and actually glare at me with all the contempt she could muster.

"I had stumbled upon that old Thomas poem, you know—

…_Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…_

—not long before we were taken, and for some reason those two lines constantly played on an endless loop in my head like some kind of grown-up version of The Little Engine That Could's mantra of 'I think I can, I think I can…'"

"The poem always grew the loudest though, whenever Alice's embittered gaze would raze me, but rather than leave me totally dismantled, her acrimonious glances enlivened me, a tonic to my waning hope, they were like spinach and I was Popeye. I won't say that that the obvious hatred she imparted with each look didn't hurt me deeply; I was never put back together totally complete--like furniture bought at Ikea, there were always a few parts missing--but they reminded me to _'…not go gentle into that good night...'_ and kept me from giving in or giving up entirely."

~//~

_By the middle of our second week in Chicago, we had been missing for nearly three weeks and nothing had changed, the days were starting to blend together. Being able to see the rise and fall of the sun and the moon and the stars was like being stuck in a sensory deprivation chamber; it threw off our natural rhythms. Alice was sleeping nearly constantly while I hardly slept at all, which wasn't helping our states of mind. I was barely keeping it together and the little spark that was left in Alice was fading quickly. She hardly even bothered shooting her occasional rancorous glares at me at that point, when the routine suddenly changed…_

_The door flew open, slamming into the deteriorating sheetrock with such force that had there been a handle on it, it surely would have gone through. Marcus' form filled the doorway and my blood ran cold._

_I moved quickly from the edge of the bed where I had been sitting, playing piano scales on my leg. Shoving Alice's passive body behind mine on the bed, into the corner, I took a defensive position in front of her, guessing that his violent and sudden reappearance meant nothing good. Even from ten feet away I could smell the stench of cheap booze mixed with his own natural putrescence rolling off of him._

_"The two of you are causing me nothing but fucking trouble." He didn't sound drunk, but the unnatural burning in his eyes made it difficult to believe he was sober. "I need to get rid of you, but I lost my fucking buyers! Your sister there was gonna fetch a good price being as young as she is and untouched still, but that shit fell through and now there's other complications that have come up. So, instead of getting full value out of you, I had to arrange a quickie sale."_

"I was scared, as pussy as it was to admit... _I thought my cock and balls were trying to climb up inside me and turn into a vagina like they were Goddamn Transformers or some shit like that_… and not really fully comprehending his words. What did he mean—causing him trouble, Alice untouched, get rid of us quick, complications?

_"Since I am not getting the money I should have for dear, sweet, little Alice, I might as well get something, and I'll be damned if she'll be leaving here a virgin. For that paltry sum, she comes with no guarantees… and no hymen either." Clearly thinking what he had said was funny, he had a laugh about it, but there was an edge to his loud, booming laughter that made him sound unhinged._

_Ir abruptly stopped as all trace of amusement and the slight mania I thought I saw disappeared. They were replaced with a dark look that I couldn't name, but didn't like. It almost reminded me of a predator stalking his prey._

_"Maybe if you do a good job, Princess…" he was no longer speaking to me or even taking notice of my presence "…and you please Daddy, I can find a way to keep you. Course, I'll have to share you with my friends from time to time, but it would only be so Daddy could buy you pretty things. We don't have much time though, sugar, so let's go see right now if you're any better than your worthless whore of a mother." _

"He began to advance towards her just as his words unscrambled themselves in my head, and then suddenly his intentions all became so clear and the situation crystallized, as did I. I couldn't move. I wanted to, I knew it was imperative that I did, but I felt like I would splinter into a thousand pieces as the horror sunk deep into all the hidden caverns of me.

"But she was… Father… Daughter… He knew…" I snapped out of my reverie, and my eyes snapped to her face at her sputtering. She started and stopped repeatedly as she wrapped her head around what she had just heard. It was eerily reminiscent of the internal conflict that I myself had undergone when it happened.

I shook my head, stopping her, and said, "I know. Believe me, I know."

She looked like she wanted to say something, so I quickly held up my hand to silence her. If I was going to finish this I needed to finish it fast.

_Everything happened rather quickly after that. Marcus grabbed me by my shirt, throwing me out of his way and into the wall at the far end of the room. I hit the wall hard enough to damage it and then slid down to the floor. My shoulder and hip had taken the brunt of the hit, and even though it took me a moment to get back to my feet, I was relatively unscathed. I watched as he grabbed Alice by the front of her shirt, dragging her towards him, but was unable to do anything._

No! No! Don't! Leave her alone! Oh, God, Alice! No!

_I don't know if I actually cried the words out loud or if they were just in my head. It's not like it mattered though, they would have done the same amount of good either way. Thankfully, Alice was putting up a fight, clawing, scrambling, and hissing like a wild thing, buying me a little time. He was still bending over the bed trying to force her to succumb to himwhen I picked myself up from the floor._

_I charged him, hunching over slightly so that I hit him with my shoulder like a football player. I managed to shove him into the wall, quickly backing away, and then, not having much experience with fighting and operating purely on instinct—bad instinct, apparently—I charged him again. He saw it coming and was prepared with his fist, catching me square in the jaw with just enough force to knock me on my ass and leave me in a slight stupor._

_Thinking I was out cold, he grabbed a now compliant, or maybe just resigned, Alice and dragged her out of our shared prison and into the main room. When Alice realized she was being taken away from me, she resumed her struggles with renewed vigor. He managed to get her out of the room, but not without difficulty. I knew from experience that Alice was deceptively strong, not to mention feisty as hell, and he must have underestimated her once they were out of my line of sight._

_I heard a crash and a grunt as she hit him with something and, from the sound of it, got away from him. A maelstrom began in the other room, the sound of objects being thrown echoed throughout the apartment, raucous and loud. His shouted threats and cursing, falling on deaf ears, added to the din. The whole thing lasted about sixty seconds and then the racket abruptly stopped, replaced by a low, but angry sounding murmur that I couldn't quite make out_.

"The daze from my collision with his fist had mostly abated by then, and I began to stealthily move. I wasn't sure where he was or if he could see me and I couldn't risk being seen, the element of surprise was the only thing I had working for me. Once I had ascertained that I hadn't been detected, I quietly got up and began to creep to the doorway, but all my plans were tossed aside."

_"Ouch! Son of a… you little bitch!" Crack! Crack!The distinctive sound of a flattened hand striking its intended target sounded out._

_"Uhhhhn!" Alice gave a hoarse, tearful cry._

_"My feet were already in motion at the first slap. I heard the sound of her head hitting the floor as I charged blindly into the room, but I didn't see them anywhere. I panicked and nearly missed Alice's low, choked sob coming from behind the overturned coffee table. Oh, God! Please don't let me be too late! Please! Images of what he could be doing to her flooded my mind and I recklessly launched myself over the top of the table, miraculously avoiding Alice as I slammed into him, sending him sprawling._

I gasped and came to an abrupt halt, eyes closed, my throat nearly too tight to speak.

"I just… I can't talk about the rest of that, not because I don't trust you, I do… I just… I can't talk about it. A lot of stuff happened…"

I was struggling to not hyperventilate or cry but was having very little success at either, "…before we… there was a struggle. I was roughed up pretty badly, but Alice got the worst of it. She was severely beaten a-an-and…"--I stuttered--"…almost... but he didn't, not before…" My words were cut off by a strangled cry, followed by what sounded like the keening, high-pitched noise of an injured and frightened animal. I only just barely recognized it as coming from me.

Bella's hand gripped mine tightly, and I briefly wondered when she had moved close enough to me to take it, but I couldn't remember, so I continued on, my voice hoarse and rough with emotion. I knew my eyes had to look panicked and slightly crazed as I pleaded for her to understand, but she never flinched or looked away from me… or tried to run… _yet_.

"I had to stop him, Bella, I couldn't… I just couldn't let that happen to her, but the only way… I had to…" I broke down; there was just no way to stop it. In a harsh whisper, I made my confession to her, "I killed him, Bella. I'm a murderer."

"No, Edward!" I expected the harshness and certainty in her voice, but her words caught me off guard. _She wasn't judging me? She wasn't running from me? _"No, you're not. You were protecting your sister and yourself—it was self-defense, not murder! You can't think like that, Edward. For fuck's sake, you were like twelve years old! I mean, my God… you deserve a medal."

I couldn't listen anymore; she was wrong. "No, Bella! Don't you see? It was my fault that it happened in the first place, that we were even there. _I am such a fuck up! I fuck everything up. It's what I do. _If I hadn't… if only… we would still have been safe at home in Alaska and everything would still be perfect like it was, I wouldn't have messed everything up for everyone."

It dawned on me just then that I wouldn't have met Bella if Alaska hadn't happened, and I almost didn't regret what happened since it brought me her, even if it was as nothing more than my sister's best friend and my sometimes-sorta friend. Guilt washed over me. How could anything make me not regret the events that fucked all our lives up so much? I didn't want to think about it anymore so I looked at her, my eyes pleading for her to let it go.

"What happened next?" She asked, placating my unspoken need.

"After I…"

_Once Marcus was no longer a threat, I covered Alice up with some shabby, too big clothes that I found, and then hid her behind a large recliner that was just as shoddy and ramshackle as everything else in the room, making sure that she was as comfortable as I could given her condition. Her big, accusing, hate-filled, blackened eyes never left me as I settled her in before I left her, and made my way back over to where Marcus lay haphazardly across the floor._

_With shaking hands, I located the cell phone I had seen him with on the way to Chicago, and then I went back to Alice's side. I would like to say that I did it to check on her, but the truth is I wanted as much distance between me and the corpse on the floor as possible. It wasn't until I was standing at Alice's side, phone in my hand, that I realized I didn't have a clue who to call. I dropped the phone three times before I managed to flip it open, and dialed the first number, the only number, that I could think of._

_Just as I pressed send and pressed the phone to my ear, the front door was kicked in and a large man, gun drawn and eyes scanning the room, not acknowledging neither me nor Alice, stood in the doorway. His massive form blocked out the light from the hallway, outlining him in golden light like an angel come to deliver us. I vaguely registered the sound of the phone ringing in my ear, but I couldn't concentrate on it because I heard the sound of angels and salvation… and home. Carlisle stepped out from behind the dark haired man._

_The phone fell from my hand, popping the battery cover off and the battery out, the three pieces all sliding away in different directions. I broke down, falling to the floor seconds after the phone sobbing in relief, certain that I was hallucinating at best, or at worst, that I had died. I didn't allow myself to even believe that it was real until my father rushed forward, dropped to his knees and pulled me into a fierce hug. I didn't want to, but had to. I didn't deserve it and Alice needed him, so I pushed him away from me and pointed to Alice._

"God, Bella! If I had known... I wouldn't have… If he had been sooner…"

"Edward, if you had waited, Alice would have been raped," she said, interrupting me. "You did the right thing. You did what anyone would have done in your position. You have to let go of this self-loathing that you're carrying around with you. What happened when your father arrived?"

"The man, Demetri, as it turned out, approached Marcus, never taking his eyes or his gun off of his prone, unmoving body. My eyes went back and forth between the man lying on the floor, blood soaking through his shirt back—red, wet, and sticky looking—darker in the center, a bulls eye directing your eye to the metal sticking from out of his back, and my father as he assessed Alice's injuries. He stopped what he was doing for a moment, watching me, and then followed my eyes. Faced with the proof of what I had done, he said simply…"

I closed my eyes, watching it play on the movie reel in my mind, as the words came out of my mouth.

_"You did what you had to do, son. Are you okay?"_

_I wasn't sure how to feel; I had just killed a man with a thin metal rod. Granted, that same man had planned to not only sell me to some sick motherfucker with a thing for little boys, he had planned on raping Alice, his own daughter, and then pimping her out to his friends, but still… I had killed a man, and my twelve-almost-thirteen-year-old psyche couldn't handle it._

_"Edward! Are you okay?"_

_I shook my head. "Alice…" was all I could say._ Worry about Alice_._

_Carlisle resumed his assessment and when he was certain that it was safe to move her, he removed his coat to drape over her battered form, before picking her up and coming to stand near me. I got to my feet with the help of the recliner Alice had been behind, and looked over to see my father looking me up and down, evaluating my injuries from a distance. I could tell it was killing him to not come over and have a closer look, but I needed to get out of that room._

_"What are we waiting for? Can't we get out of here already? I'm pretty sure Alice needs medical treatment and you can hardly give that to her here," I said, using his own weaknesses against him for my own selfish needs and sounding more cock sure than I felt._

_He looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time. The doctor in him assessed the room, frowning at the filth, and I knew that I had gotten what I wanted. He appraised me once more and then nodded, but before we could escape this particular circle of Hell, Demetri walked up and whispered something into Carlisle's ear. Carlisle contemplated whatever it was that Demetri had said as he stared into space for a moment._

_With no warning, lead curtains were pulled over his normally inviting, gentle blue eyes—the eyes that had looked down on me my entire life with love, even when I was hardly deserving of it—grew steely, hard, unrecognizable._

_"Let's get you and Alice out of here, son." He spoke to me, but his eyes never left Demetri, who nodded with a blank expression._

_It was dark outside when we exited the building, but warmer than it had been in the basement. We got into a dark-colored sedan, and waited until Demetri joined us a few minutes later, getting into the driver's seat, and driving us to the hospital where Carlisle used to work. A friend of his made sure that we were quietly admitted, and ordered a private room for us to share. Carlisle was listed as our doctor._

_We were both treated for dehydration and malnourishment, in addition to our various other issues. My injuries consisted of severe lacerations, that I couldn't remember getting, to both wrists, a good concussion and a broken nose, to name a few. Alice suffered a broken arm, several broken ribs, more bruises and contusions than you could shake a stick at, various lacerations, and she still wasn't speaking. They thought she was suffering from emotional trauma, whatever the fuck that is, but felt she would snap out of it in time._

_We spent a few days in the hospital while we recovered physically, and Carlisle refused to leave our sides. After I got a little rest, he pulled a chair next to my bed and insisted that I tell him everything, saying, 'The time for keeping secrets in this family is over. We thought that by keeping you in the dark, we were protecting you, but it turns out we were wrong.'_

_As ashamed as I was, I told him everything, starting from making the decision to find our birth mother. As I spoke, he filled in the blanks to my story. When we were done, two days after we started because I had to stop frequently to nap, I knew everything, beginning with their decision to adopt, and ending with Demetri kicking down the door of the Masen apartment. Despite all of the truths revealed to me that day, it was Emmett's involvement that shocked me the most._

_Sensing that they weren't after him, he had only pretended to be knocked out. So not only was he able to give a detailed description of what our abductors looked like, he was also able to provide their names and he knew the make, model, and license plate number of the vehicle as well. Even without Emmett's useful information, Carlisle had no doubt as to who had taken us; it was his biggest fear in life and something he had been waiting on to happen for years. He was just grateful that it didn't happen until we were old enough that we could fight back. He hoped it would improve our chances of making it home._

_Still, there was a nagging in the back of his mind that couldn't stop wondering just how they had found us after all the years, and then he opened the safe to find the phone numbers of both J. Jenks and Demetri, and discovered the missing document that I had taken. It's either a testament to his abilities as a father or a reflection on my lousy acting abilities that Carlisle was immediately able to figure out what had happened. I was so ashamed and angry and lord knows I was apologetic. Carlisle shushed me and said simply…"_

_"Edward, your mother and I are at least partially to blame for this. This would have never happened to any other child who became curious about his or her birth parents. If only we had been honest with the two of you… Well, there's no point in playing woulda, shoulda, coulda; what's done is done now, I'm just happy you're both home and relatively unharmed. It all could have ended so differently." _

_Alice didn't feel the same way though, and she finally broke her silence to make her feelings known. Out of the blue, she started screaming and raging at me about how everything was my fault, and why I couldn't just be happy, and that she would never speak to me again. I sat there stunned and stricken, with tears pouring down my face, as my sister told me she wished I had never been born; the conviction behind her words obvious to anyone._

_At first Carlisle thought it was best to let her get it out, but she grew more and more frantic the longer her speech went on until she began flailing about, tearing at her hair and the sheets and almost ripping her IV from her arm, and he had to sedate her before she caused herself harm. Carlisle rented a car and we drove back to Alaska the next day; Alice remained mildly sedated the entire time. He felt it was best while we were confined in the close quarters of the car. We could have flown back, but as battered as we were, there would be fewer questions asked that way."_

I looked up at Bella then and saw that tears were streaming down her face, and then felt the dampness of my own. When I went to comfort her and wipe her tears away, she waved me off and indicated for me to go on, so I did.

_We got back to Alaska and arrangements for our move were already under way. Alice was furious. She didn't want to have to leave and try to make all new friends right before we started high school, and she became even angrier with me. For a long time Alice didn't talk to me at all, but then slowly as time went on and it became more difficult to avoid, she began speaking to me again. It was usually just to bitch at me about something, but at least she was speaking to me, and after months of silence, I would take it._

_Before all of that happened, we really were each other's other half, so the chasm that I caused to open up between us caused me more pain than I can express. When she finally began to speak to me again, it did nothing to heal me, and I still felt like I was missing part of myself, but I got over it, you know, learned to live with it. Still if I could go back and fix it, take it all back, I would in an instant, no matter what I would have to give up._

"On top of that, there was this other ache that took hold, as the rejection of the woman who had given birth to me and was supposed to love me slapped me in my face for the second time in my life, but this time the rejection was worse. I could forgive her for giving us up when we were born, we were really just concepts and she was young, but this time we were older and we were right in front of her and couldn't be ignored. She did though, and not only that, she was helping the man that had harmed _her_ to harm _us_. It's a lot to come to terms with. Alice has done a much better job of it than I have. I don't know that I have… or ever will, really. I guess the reason I'm telling you this… what I am trying so say is…"

I sighed deeply and started over.

"So, I know a thing or two about mommy issues if you want to talk," I finished, calling her out. _I showed you mine; now you show me yours,_ was what I was really saying.

And she did.

~//~

**Songs Used  
**(In order of appearance)

_It's Only When I Lose Myself,_ Depeche Mode

1. The poem mentioned is Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas, and it was written as his father lay dying in his bed. I won't lecture on the poem, but I do suggest you go read it.

**A/N: **There you go. That's the Alaska story. Yes, I know it doesn't take place in Alaska, but it started there and that's what they refer to it as. There was more that I wanted to say, but I can't remember what.

Thank you to all the usual folks, especially Vanessarae for Betaing, Redvelvetheaven and Serendipitydooda for pre-reading the entire thing, and Araeo, EchoesOfTwilight (Viva la LOD, ladies) for kicking my ass during our marathon WC's, and for giving me great feedback whenever I ask. I literally would not have finished this chapter if it wasn't for the two of you.

Finally, thanks to the girls at the thread- you guys are always there for me and I love you all, and all of you.

Rec's:

_Expectations of Success_ by LASMKE (I haven't reviewed yet cause I've been reading on my phone, but I will!)_  
On My Own _by Klynne86_  
Art School Confidential_ by Farkle


	15. Chapter 13 Sick Cycle Carousel

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns everything Twilight, I just own the manipulations and any original plot points/characters. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/N: **This chapter is in BPOV. I know, this was supposed to be Badward's POV, but before that could happen there was some stuff that needed to be cleared up and it worked best in her POV. Plus, it had been a while since we had heard from her and I kinda missed her.

Thanks for all the alert and fave adds, and especially the reviews.

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Chapter 13- Sick Cycle Carousel

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_If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine  
If it had a home it would be my eye  
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of all this?  
Well, here we go now one more time…_

'_Cause I tried to climb your steps  
I tried to chase you round  
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground  
I tried to earn my way  
I tried to tame this mind  
You better believe that I tried to beat this_

_So where will this end it goes on and on  
Over and over and over again  
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop  
'Til I step down from this for good _

_sick cycle carousel, sick cycle carousel_

_Sick Cycle Carousel, _Lifehouse_  
_

~//~

**Present**

My tears had finally abated and dried salty on my cheeks, and I was still a crumpled mess on my knees in the brush. I looked like I was genuflecting at the feet of an ancient, centuries-old cedar, this shrine to the past and testament to the fact that we did exist at one time; that we did happen. Embracing it, I gathered my strength, wiping the faintly visible proof of my pain and devastation off my skin, and shoved that batch of memories back down to where they could not hurt me. I then used the tree and pulled myself up off the ground.

The paradox that the very thing that caused me to fold was the very thing that was helping me rise was not lost on me. I made my way back to the path, garnering more scratches from the lurking blackberry vines and unknown flora in the underbrush, and I felt silly that a tree had reduced me to a simpering, pathetic mess. It was just a tree, after all.

Once out of the brush, I slowly walked the 25 or so feet that would bring me to the yard, somewhat reluctant to leave the sanctuary of the woods… _and the connection that it made me feel with him…_ and go back to the yard and the house full of people and questions. It was late enough that I was holding out hope that everyone would be asleep. While I walked, I let my mind once again drift to the party and the events that took place afterwards.

~//~

**4.5 Years Ago**

I did as Edward suggested and took a shower after he left me at the door to my room. I was still in a daze over not only what had just happened in the woods, but the last twenty-four hours as well. I only remembered bits and pieces of the party, and the things I did remember… I didn't want to. So rather than let my thoughts linger on the party or try and figure out what Edward and I had just done, I decided to finally process what Edward had revealed to me the day prior, before everything had gotten so royally fucked up.

_God, why hadn't I just listened to him_? I had been so annoyed over his attempts to surreptitiously dissuade me from going on my date with James, and so excited over getting ready for it… _not that I would EVER admit that to Alice…_ that as soon as we had arrived back at the house I had pushed it to the back of my mind and done a hell of a good job keeping it there. _I should have a doctorate in avoidance as a means of coping._

Despite having had more than twenty four hours to think about it, I still couldn't seem to wrap my head around what Edward had told me. I couldn't begin to fathom what him and Alice had lived through, nor could I reconcile the Carlisle and Esme that I knew with the Carlisle and Esme from his story. Every time I attempted the math, an error code would pop up… _does not compute_. I certainly couldn't bitch and moan about my childhood or Renee any longer—Elizabeth Masen won the Mommy Dearest award hands down, and my heart ached for what they all went through, but it did bring a lot of things into focus for me.

I finally knew where his self-loathing and doubts sprang from. Coupled with what I knew about his cherry getting popped, and… well, let's just say that it explained a lot, but just because I understood didn't mean that I approved. It's not like he didn't know better. Unlike me, he'd had three great examples of functional relationships to learn from, and a loving family. He should be less emotionally retarded than me, not more, but then again maybe I didn't really understand anything at all. I mean, for seven years he'd had no one aside from his family to share his burden and knowing him, I am certain that he shouldered most of it himself. I doubt he felt that he could even discuss it with them.

I was honored that he trusted me enough to tell me about it. I was determined to be his person, to be there for him in any way that he needed to me to be… and then I remembered the act we had just committed against that cedar. I wasn't sure that I would even be given a chance to be his person after what we had done. A sudden epiphany made me realize the far-reaching effects of our crime, how what we had done affected everyone… _how could I maintain my friendship with Alice when this went south, which of course it would… _and I started to resent Alice's interference a little less. The water started to grow cold, a feat in that house, so I knew I couldn't have been the only one using hot water_…_

My easily-distracted mind began to wander, my head filling with images that had my girly bits tingling… _it was like Spidey Sense, only it was limited to my nether regions (Shorty Sense?), and rather than be set off by danger, it was affected by thoughts or the presence of Edward Cullen._ I giggled a little at my absurdity, shaking my head to clear it, but the water cooling further put my mind right back in the gutter… _ Edward naked…_ my hands glided over my wet torso, down, down, down to my even wetter sex…_ in the shower, water coursing over his body, running in rivulets over his cut abs, that sexy 'V' that was the equivalent of a neon arrow illuminating the location of his hymen-hammer, his sexy hair dripping wet, his long fingers stroking… _

"_Ackkkkkk!"_

And then the water got cold... really fucking cold. I rinsed myself off quickly, noticing that my hands were wrinkled so badly that they looked like they belonged to Dorian Grey's portrait instead of an eighteen year old girl… _ewww._ I turned the water off with a sigh and stepped out of the shower stall.

~//~

I hadn't taken clothes to the bathroom with me, so I wrapped my towel around my body, opened the bathroom door and stepped inside my room, chin down, while muttering to myself.

"Jeebus, Bella! What the hell happened to your lip?"

I jumped, almost falling, and my wild, wide eyes flew towards the source of the voice—Rose, with Alice, sitting on the bed, facing the bathroom door, waiting for me. My flailing caused the towel that was knotted around my chest to come undone and my hands lifted, catching it just before the girls got a free peepshow. I let out a breath, not quite sure if it was relief over the fact that the unexpected… _but only a little…_ lurkers waiting in my room were only my friends, or if it was relief over catching my falling towel before it left me exposed.

They didn't need to see the bruises I was sporting from the night before or the new ones that I had just obtained… _along with some scratches and scrapes_. Then again, maybe it wasn't relief at all. Maybe it was anxiety over why they were sitting in my room, waiting for me to exit the bathroom? _It would certainly be their style—guerrilla. _Licking my lip self-consciously, I winced a bit at the slight tenderness.

"I stumbled and bit it," I muttered, looking nervously at the floor as thoughts of what really caused me to bite my lip came to mind and warmth flooded my face. Starting to squirm under the four eyes peering curiously at me, I stomped over to the dresser, shaking my hair so that it fell forward and covered both my blushing and the marks that I knew were on my neck.

I began rifling through the contents of the drawers, pulling items out at random until I had what I needed and then, feeling somewhat pleased with myself over finding a cowlneck sweater... _and_ _amused that a sweater that Alice had picked out for me was going to be used to cover up the marks that her brother had left_… I walked back into the bathroom and pushed the door most of the way closed. I quickly dressed and brushed my hair. The presence of my two friends in the other room seemed to radiate through the door, leaving me feeling smothered or vaguely like I was about to be studied under a microscope. And then I was irritated with them. I knew they were probably concerned and wanting to make sure that I was okay, but I couldn't stop the surge of annoyance that pulsed through me. I tried pushing it down, but I wasn't all that successful.

"So what are you two up to? Going around scaring random, unsuspecting girls as they get out of the shower or am I the only lucky one?"

Rose snorted. "You know, they say sarcasm is a defense mechanism. Are you hiding something, Bella?" She let the question hang in the air just long enough to send my heart racing… _oh, fuck…_ before adding, "Quit being a bitch, Bella. It's not attractive. And no, we were just coming to check on you."

_Who's being the bitch now, Ro? Sarcasm-schmarcasm. _I was officially five years old… _a bitter five year old to boot._

Alice gave Rose a sidelong look that I suspected said, _Jesus, Rose. Way to act like a bitch…_ _I so cunt-curred…_ or something similar. Rose rolled her eyes and huffed in displeasure, but shut her mouth all the same.

"How you feeling this morning, Bells?" Alice asked tentatively, looking down. Her knees were pressed together and she appeared to be fascinated by her feet which were chafing together, one on top of the other in a gesture of nervous awkwardness.

"I'm fine I suppose. Bit of a headache, but I've had worse."

I waited for Alice to continue. She clearly had something right on the tip of her tongue that she was wanting to spit out, but she sat there silently, staring at the ground and fidgeting, which was startlingly out of character for her. However, my annoyance rapidly increasing caused me to ignore her behavior. I wanted to know what had her so weirded-out… _had Edward and I already been found out? I was positive no one had seen us… _but it appeared that for once, Alice wasn't going to just dive in with the details. I didn't really care to play any Alice-games at that moment—I wasn't in the mood and, unlike usual, I lacked the patience to wait through her hemming and hawing and beating around the bush until she finally spilled. I decided to just ask.

"So, what's going on? What are you guys doing in here, and why does Alice look like someone just took her AmEx card?"

Alice cringed a little bit at the mention of losing her treasured Black card… _she may have even crossed herself, no joking, she loves that thing more than Jasper or at least as much as…_ and then, in a dull monotone, shegave me whole story of what had happened at Laurent's party. Rose animatedly, and with shrewd, observing eyes, took it upon herself to fill in anything that she felt was left out by Alice. They came to the end of the events, hugged me and then got up to leave, whispering back and forth between themselves. A final glance at me, equal parts pity and concern, and they walked out, closing the door behind them. And I was alone again.

I thought about what they had told me while I finished getting ready to go home and hang out with Charlie per our usual Sunday night routine. The more I thought about everything Edward had done the night before, how worried about me he had been, the worse I felt about the accusations that I had hurled at him during our argument in the meadow that morning… _but not too terribly bad_. All the charges I had leveled against him were still essentially true, just not for the reasons I thought. They were entrenched in extenuating circumstances, and although it didn't completely absolve him, it didn't make him fully culpable either.

~//~

According to Alice and Rosalie, about twenty minutes after James and I disappeared upstairs, Edward marched, somewhat unsteadily, up to where they were all standing around chatting with Laurent and his lady du jour. Dragging Sloren the Super Whore behind him, Edward didn't look happy—or sober… _which didn't make Emmett happy at all. _Before Emmett could lay into Edward over his apparent designated driver fail, they realized that there was a mystery afoot.

So, doing what anyone would do in their position… _asshats…_ the gang channeled the ever popular 1970's animated sleuths of _Scooby Doo, Where Are You_?—_Jazz played Scooby to Edward's Shaggy, and Laurent joined in as Scrappy Doo; the only thing they were missing to make the whole thing complete was the Mystery Machine, but the Volvo filled in for that. _Their sleuthing and all the clues implicated Lauren and James… _jenkies!_ They might have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for my meddlesome friends… _and the fact that Lauren lacked even an ounce of integrity or a backbone. _

Threatened with calling the police of didn't seem to bother her all that much, but at the mere mention of being left alone with Rosalie, Sloren blanched and sang like a fucking canary. _It was a mystery for the ages since no one, not even Alice, could explain her reaction, and Ro wasn't talking. _The Supertramp sold James out so fast you would have thought there was a private sale at Stripper World and she had an invite. Her revelations were disturbing to say the least. So much so, that Edward didn't even wait for her entire sordid tale to be revealed before he ran off in search of me… _out of guilt no doubt. I swear to fuck he should have been born Catholic, with his giant guilt complex._

The funny thing is that looking back, I think I knew that something was odd about my interactions with James that night. It was like he kept waiting for something, but I was so determined to get Edward out of my head and I was also thinking with my… well, Shorty was doing the thinking for me and thinking with your va-jay-jay is never a good idea. In fact, Shorty can probably be blamed for my agreeing… _pshaw! agreeing, encouraging would be a better description… _to the arrangement with Edward as well. No, Shorty can't be held responsible for that… _it was my stupid, kamikaze heart…_ it's just easier to blame my starved, repeatedly cockblocked… _and oh, so satisfied by Fuckward… _libido, but I definitely hold Shorty responsible for the blind eye I turned towards James.

I wasn't the only one who ignored their gut either. AliJazz and EmmAlie got a weird vibe when they walked in and caught the panicked look that momentarily marred James' otherwise smug expression… _his usual cocksure, asshat look…_ when he first saw them. As it turned out, I wasn't the only person that Edward, asstard extraordinaire, spoke to as part of his campaign to get me to cancel my date. Because of that, they were all fairly certain that their perceptions were influenced by Edward's pleading, and they ignored the feeling.

It seemed like everyone was trying to take blame for what happened that night, but how could they have been expected to know what was going on? I mean, who would have thought anyone would go to those lengths to get back at another person in Lauren's case or get one over on another person in James'? No one, that's who. If anyone was to blame for it, it would be Edward, and he couldn't even really be entirely blamed for it… _well, I could, but it wouldn't have been fair_.

It's not as if he knew that I would be used as a pawn in a sick fucking game of revenge and one-uppance, and I know for a fact that Lauren wouldn't have enjoyed herself quite as much had it been anyone else, she delighted in getting one over on me, and… well… of course James enjoyed his part in it. What guy in his right mind was going to object to getting some Strange? You could argue that Edward was guilty of lying through omission, but would I have listened to him had he told me the truth? Probably not. _Definitely and without a doubt, I wouldn't have._

Alice and Rose kept calling it date rape. They couldn't seem to understand why I refused to press charges or even file a report, but it wasn't date rape. I left the Cullen's house that night with every intention of finishing what James and I had started months before, and when I entered the house after seeing Edward and the whore _en flagrante delicto_, I was more determined than ever to do so… _not that I am proud of that fact._ Sure he was a bit rough and forceful during… _I had the bruises that proved that…_ but I don't recall objecting. In fact, I think I may have gotten off on it. Filing charges, even if I wanted to--which I didn't--wasn't as easy as they made it sound either.

The whole situation was so circular—if any one of us filed charges, the others would have all been brought down as well—it was were of house of cards, dominoes. Regardless, had it been an actual case of rape, I would have pressed charges, but it wasn't. I can't say that the idea of him being behind bars wasn't appealing, because it was. He may not have technically forced me to do anything, but after what he did to fuck with Edward and assure that I would sleep with him, I wouldn't have put rape past him. Still, it just wasn't worth the hell that would come from pressing charges and, besides that, I wasn't going to lie. I did get a little vindication knowing that Edward beat the shit out of him badly enough that he really should have gone to the hospital. _Of course, he couldn't._

Even though the police were never involved, it didn't mean that the guilty parties didn't have to face some consequences for their actions. For the most part, no one outside of the people immediately involved knew what happened, but like any small town, there were rumors and neither James nor Lauren was able to escape them.

James became a social pariah. Laurent being the oldest of their group of friends, as well as the wealthiest and the owner of a rather nice house, was the ringleader. No one else wanted to join James in his banishment, so when Laurent shunned him, everyone else did as well.

Lauren's name was linked to the scandal, effectively declawing her. She spent the remainder of our senior year a virtual outcast. I should have been angry with her, but I couldn't because I pitied her too much. I won't lie, I enjoyed her fall from grace, but I think her actions justified and absolved me of any guilt for my schadenfreude. It's not like I was the only one who enjoyed her ostracism. Jessica, who was grounded that night… _luckily for her…_ watched as her 'friend' was blackballed, her name dragged through the proverbial mud, with bemused detachment, distancing herself from Lauren just before the axe fell.

She had trouble keeping the smirk off her face most days… _so did I.._. as she watched it all play out—the accusations started as easily-ignored whispers, and then eventually grew to a dull roar. By the time Jessica completely extricated herself from Lauren, she was able to just step out from her shadow and right in to her recently-vacated throne like she was Queen Fucking Mary just waiting to be given what was rightfully hers. Not that I gave a fuck. It's not like I wanted the position as Queen Bitch, and Jessica was much more pleasant to me than she had been previously, which was a bonus.

Aside from the fact that the shit had to go down in the first place, things worked out rather well. Karma--finally my bitch and having my back--made sure that all of the guilty parties got their just desserts, their comeuppance, while Edward and I got away scot free… kinda.

After all that had happened between Edward and me, it felt like our delicate friendship was in tatters and I couldn't help but wonder where that now left us? The question was on the tip of our tongues, but neither of us had the balls to ask it. We were both so afraid of what the answers might be; both our own and the others, truthfully. _If the events of the night prior hadn't happened, would we still have done what we did that day?_

~//~

After Laurent's party, Alice went all over-protective she-bear... _rawr, rawr, rawr..._ hovering constantly and hardly giving me a moment to myself. She worried that I wasn't processing what had happened and she didn't want me to be alone when it finally hit me and caused me to fall apart; I didn't. There was nothing to fall apart over. I knew what happened and I had dealt with it… well, maybe not dealt with it per se, but I certainly wasn't dwelling on it or allowing myself to think about that night. _Avoidance-schmoidance. We all have our own ways of coping and that was mine._ So, thanks to Alice, amateur shrink à la Lucy from the _Peanuts_ comic-strip, it was two weeks before Fuckward and I managed to find a moment alone to talk.

Predictably, it didn't go so well. He waited until one night that Alice had plans in Port Angeles with Jasper and I was scheduled to close by myself at Newton's, showing up just before I locked the doors. We tried to talk, we really did, but instead ended up fighting, which led to us frantically fucking against the wall of the stock room... _I never was able to look at that wall again without my panties getting a little damp..._ It resulted in absolutely nothing being solved, leading only to me being more confused about what the hell was going on between us, ending in more animosity and anger on both of our parts.

Like a couple of fucking addicts, it became a sick cycle that we found ourselves unable to escape, doomed to repeat. As far as addictions go though, it was an incredibly pleasant one... at least the fucking part was_. True that_. Pipe down, Shorty.

This pattern—try to talk, fight, and then fuck—continued until we eventually couldn't be alone for any period of time without me ending up bent over or pressed up against something; we didn't even keep up the pretense of trying to talk about what we were doing. Actually, at the time, we couldn't seem to get along unless we were fucking. I thought about all the 'arguments' Edward and I had in the months that followed that day at the cedar, about all the times I had said 'no, we shouldn't' or 'we can't, we promised Alice'_. _I knew that I was only saying those things to ease my guilt, so that later on when we were caught, I could plead my case…_ 'I told him we couldn't.' _I was disgusted with myself all over again.

When we finally managed to stop fucking long enough to actually talk about what the hell we were doing, I knew I couldn't end it… _whatever _it _was…_ with him, but I also knew that we couldn't go public with it. The fact that I couldn't bear to see the hurt, derision, and disappointment that would surely be on Alice's face if I were to tell her that I had done the one thing she asked me not to do was only one of the reasons we couldn't go public. There were so many more.

It took us three months before we managed to break the ridiculous pattern that we had fallen into. You would think that we would have accomplished talking sooner, but neither of us wanted it to end, and both of us were afraid of rocking the boat. Finally though, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't do whatever it was we were doing without knowing that I had some hold over him, knowing that I was more than just another one of his easy fucks.

~//~

The straw that finally broke the camel's back was me walking into the downstairs bathroom to find Doucheward getting a blow job from some Junior skank whose name might have been Emily, or something like that—I don't really know. It wasn't even so much that I caught him balls deep in some tramps mouth… _okay, I might have felt a slight twinge of jealousy, but only a little..._ I wasn't stupid enough to think that he wasn't fucking other girls. It was that it had been less than a day since he had pulled me onto his lap in the library and slowly… I don't know what. _'Made love' sounds too trite and insipid. 'Fucked' will have to do then. _

He had fucked me slowly, his lips never leaving mine except to travel across every inch of exposed skin he could reach, with a tenderness that had never been present in all the times we had been together. It was almost… loving, lover-like. We reached the heights of ecstasy, silently, our lips still touching, but quiet. We were breathing into each other's mouths, our eyes locked when we came to a shuddering, earth-shattering climax together, silent except for our ragged breathing.

For long, delicious moments afterwards we stayed just like that, sharing breaths, looking into each other's eyes. Slowly his lips started working against mine, teasing and coaxing me into action. His eyes refused to release mine. When his lips finally left mine, it was to leave a trail of tiny kisses across my jaw, down and then back up my neck. When his lips finally stilled he was nuzzling into my neck, his nose pressing into that little hollow below my ear with his arms wrapped around my waist, clutching me to him in an oxygen-depriving hug.

Of course, when we parted moments later, he made some asshat comment that had me wanting to hit him again… _Pow! Right in the kisser. _I told myself not to read anything into it, it was just sex after all… _bookended between priggish behavior…_ but still it was rather jarring to go from the intensity of the library to seeing him getting blown in a bathroom. _Just saying._

It brought back memories of the party and catching him with… _her,_ but unlike the night of Laurent's party, he didn't have a viable excuse. _Not gonna lie, I felt a bit of smug satisfaction in knowing that also unlike at Laurent's party, I interrupted before he managed to finish._ I froze for just a second, slack-jawed… _was I really that surprised… yes, but I shouldn't have been…_ and then, apologizing for disturbing them, I spun around and ran up the stairs, not even bothering to shut the door behind me.

"Bella, wait!"

Edward followed me up the stairs, buttoning his pants and nearly falling as he gave chase. I ran into my room, but before I was able to close the door all the way, Edward's foot slid inside. He forced his way inside and then slammed the door shut behind him. _No, no, no, no, no!_ I knew I couldn't duke it out with him right then, because let's face it, we both know how that always ended up… _with _him _inside _me_… _ and that wasn't happening even if I wanted it to, which I didn't. _Yes, I did, but not until that thing had been sanitized. _

The house was absolutely crawling with people since we were throwing a party while Carlisle and Esme were away, and on top of that, I… _or just my overly guilty conscience…_ was positive that Alice… _and Rose…_ were becoming suspicious that something was going on between us. I couldn't understand what he was doing in there. There was no way we wouldn't have been caught. Was he stupid? _Yes._ But I had no common sense either, so as soon as he opened his stupid, suckable mouth, I lashed into him.

"Bella, it's not…"

"It's not what?" I nearly shouted. "It's not what it looked like? You _weren't_ just in the bathroom getting head from some whore? I just _imagined_ it?"

He didn't reply and refused to meet my eyes.

"You know what, Edward? I don't fucking care. It's not like it fucking matters. Just get the fuck out of my room before your sister catches you here."

"I don't really care if Alice…"

"Well I do! This is neither the time nor the place for this conversation. It should have happened months ago, really. Just go." _Bitter much, Bella?_

"You're right; we should have had this conversation already."

His response caused my body and my head to separate into two warring factions. My body… _led by Shorty, naturally_… was pissed I brought it up. _Noooooooo! Look what you've done. He's gonna take the peen away. _My head gave Shorty and her faction the finger and started rambling some psycho-babble bullshit about how what Edward and I were doing wasn't healthy and blah, blah, blah… To be honest, I stopped listening because at that moment, Edward gripped my shoulders, applying enough pressure to discourage my pulling away. I, of course, ignored his unspoken request and started squirming in his grasp.

"Let go of me, Assward! We aren't doing this. Not again."

"Tomorrow." I looked at him, confused, still squirming in his grasp. His brow wrinkled and his eyes were intense. "Meet me. Tomorrow."

I shook my head, opening and closing my mouth repeatedly, unable to make my vocal cords obey… _wimps, unable to stand up to Shorty. It was like have Napoleon between my legs… and not in a good way._

Edward shook me then, gently but firmly. "2:00. The trailhead off of the 101, on the Forest Road… where Tyler had that party a few weeks ago. We'll talk then. Promise. Just say yes. Bella, please…" His voice, tentative and pleading, trailed off and I couldn't refuse him.

I jerked out of his grasp. "Fine. Don't be late. The Chief and I hang out on Sunday nights, and I have shit to do before he gets home."

"I'm always on time, Swan." He had the nerve to smirk at me… _God, I wanted to bite those stupid, smirky lips. Bastard._ I glared.

Stepping forward, I pressed myself against him—his eyes grew wide, pupils dilated, before focusing on my lips, the tip of his tongue darting out, flicking against his cupids bow—reached around him… and the stepped back, pulling the door with me. "Now leave."

He drew in a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it at the last minute. Keeping his mouth shut, his shoulders slumped and he looked down. Briefly bringing his eyes back to me—my jaw clenched, glaring over his shoulder at the empty hall—he looked back to his feet and then walked out of my room and down the hall, not bothering to pause outside my door or look back like I had expected him to, resigned. I watched for a moment and then closed the door behind him… almost all the way. With my forehead pressed against the doorframe, I took a shaky breath and heard a voice drift up from the location of the stairwell…

"Where'd you run off to, Edward? You wanna go someplace a little more private and finish what we started?"

My heart clenched in my chest and I held my breath.

"No, Emma," _Emma, that was her fucking name… Emma, Emily, I was close._ "I don't. I don't mean to be a dick here, but I'll see you around. Okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. I mean, sure. Whatever you want."

I heard a single set of footsteps, heavy and slow, ascend the stairs followed by a tentative voice calling out, "'Night then." I listened until his footsteps had faded and as I was about to close the door I heard Emma/Emily mutter, "Stupid Bella! I don't know what he sees in her."

_What the fuck was she talking about? _He saw the same thing in me that he saw in her—a place to put hisdiscostick. I rolled my eyes. I thought about asking her what the fuck she meant, but she was already headed downstairs and I didn't feel like dealing with that shit tonight… _plausible deniability…_ or, God forbid, running into Alice.

I shut the door, locking it… _Creepsterward was just one floor above me and didn't seem to have an issue invading my personal space…_ and then crawled into bed, too weary to bother washing my face or brushing my teeth.

~//~

The next day dawned and it was surprisingly pleasant. It was one of those rare spring days where the sun is actually shining and you aren't freezing your balls off… _so, pretty rare in Forks._ I helped clean up from the party and then headed home. Two hours after getting home, I hopped into my truck and drove the ten minutes to the trailhead. It was a good choice I had to admit—close by, far enough off of the highway that tourists didn't frequent it much, yet it didn't see a lot of local traffic and our parked vehicles wouldn't draw attention. As expected… _because the only thing he isn't early for is coming, thank you to the powers that be for that_… Ithinkwithmydickwardwas already there and waiting next to his car.

He opened my door as soon as I was parked with a mumbled, "Bella."

I hopped out—no reply offered—pushing down the lock and closing the door behind me. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair and then, stealing one final look at me, who happened to be studiously avoiding looking at him, he turned and set off down the trail a short way before veering off into the brush. We were headed to a small clearing where we sometimes drank when the weather was nice enough and no one's house was available. It was a short walk, but far enough from the main trail that you didn't have to worry about being overheard by any hikers on the main trail.

Silently, I followed a short distance behind. He looked back every minute or so to make sure that I was still there, and he offered his hand each time we came to an obstacle such as a log or a small boulder, trying to save me from myself, but each time, despite my tripping or slipping, I refused… _too obstinate and pig-headed for my own good_. I was making things more difficult for myself than necessary, but with each of my snubs his frustration grew, and I was getting some sort of sick, perverse pleasure out of it. He tried to act so above it all, but he wasn't any more immune to me than I was to him and, despite knowing that it didn't mean anything in the big scheme of things, I liked it.

We were both breathing a bit heavier than normal when reached our destination… _although I suspected that we had different reasons for it. _ Not turning my back to him, but refusing to make eye contact, I took a seat on a small, flat-topped boulder near the middle of the small space—arms crossed, chin tilted up defiantly, looking off into the trees. Outwardly, I gave the appearance of cool indifference, but we both knew it was a charade. I was overwhelmingly aware of every little flex of his muscles.

"I'm sorry," he blurted it out, nearly shouting.

_La-la-la-la-la! I can't hear you. _

I ignored him, not caring at all that my inner-dialogue would have sounded more at home in a preschool._ I know you are, but what am I? _

"Did you hear me, Bella? I said I was sorry."

_Well, la-di-freaking-da, Asstard! _

_I. Don't. Care._

I examined my cuticle bed. You just never knew when you were gonna get a hangnail and those puppies hurt. Not too mention they can get infected. _Yeah, I picked up a couple things over the months._

…_it's too late to apologize, it's too late…_

We hadn't even really started speaking and we had both begun to show cracks. Already his anger was discernable; simmering just below the surface, moments away from boiling over, and my own wasn't too far behind. He paced back and forth at the edge of the clearing, his movements leonine and graceful, and it was proving difficult to keep my eyes off of him, to keep my mask of detachment.

God! I just… I wanted to slap him, strip him and then have my way with him. I wanted to have some kind of claim on him, hold over him. I wanted to possess him the way that he possessed me. I wanted _something_ more from him than just settling for being another one of his dime-a-dozen, good time gal-pals, his Holly Go-lightly, but as I much as I wanted more… I knew that it was impossible for so many reasons. Everything was against us—his sister, my father (not Edward's biggest fan), his past, our mutual trust issues… _his inability to keep it in his pants around any ready, willing, and able member of the opposite sex._

…_you tell me that you're sorry, didn't think I'd turn around…_

Breaking off mid-pace, Edward whirled and stormed over to me, coming to a stop in front of me before I was even able to rise. He was fuming…_and fuckhawt, lawdy_… his stormy eyes pinned me to the boulder.

"Fuck! I said I was sorry. Are you going to just ignore me? What more do you want from me?" Still no response from me, so he pressed on… _he hadn't yet put his foot in his mouth._ "It just kind of happened. Shit, I didn't think that anyone would catch us…"

Too late, he realized the folly of his words.

…_it's too late too apologize, it's too late…_

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me, you fucking _pompous_, _conceited_, _insensitive_, _douchebag_ _bastard_? Of all the _fucked_ up, stupid things to ever come out of your mouth, that has got to be _the fucking stupidest_. You really… I can't even fucking believe you." I snorted and then pulled the repeater in a mocking voice, "_I didn't think anyone would catch us!_ You are a real piece of fucking work. I knew this was a waste of my…" I scoffed and then shook my head "…didn't think anyone would…_"_

~//~

I had been standing, shouting right into his face, but I was suddenly just… done. Through with fighting for him _and _with him. Through with his bullshit and his games, and through with _him_. I brushed past him and headed back the direction we had come from. I only got a few steps before I was brought up short.

"Where do think you're going?"

"Home. Now, if you don't fucking mind, let go of me."

"No."

I choked out a laugh. "I said let go, Cullen." Tears sprang up, stinging my eyes. _ I was not going to cry. I was not going to cry. _ I blinked them back furiously and jerked away, storming off.

"We aren't done talking… and you're going the wrong way."

_Errrrrgh! Dammit it all to h-e-double hockey sticks! _The smug satisfaction in his voice enraged me. I wanted to gouge his eyes out and I briefly scanned the area looking for something suitable to use…_ okay, I was looking for the path back to my truck, not that he needed to know that…_ but found nothing. Spotting the trail behind him… _the opposite direction I had been headed…_ I stalked past him only to be brought up short again.

"You're not running away. We ARE going to talk about this," he said forcefully, causing my panties to grow damp… _because Bossyward turned me on, not gonna lie…_ but at that moment I channeled my lust into our _talk_.

"Fine! You want to talk? Let's talk. Let's talk about how you fucked me in your father's library Friday night, and then the very next night I walk in on some junior whore sucking you off. Let's talk about how ever since that mistake in the woods in January, instead of discussing what in the fuck we are doing, we just end up fighting and then fucking. Let's talk about how, despite hooking up with me on a fairly regular basis, you continue to fuck around with random chicks whenever the mood strikes you. While we're at it, let's finally fucking talk about what the hell is going on between us, about what the fuck we keep doing! Where do you want to start?"

"I don't know! Fuck, Bella! I don't know what the fuck I am doing in general, but I definitely don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing with you. I'm so fucking confused it's not even funny."

"You're confused? That's your excuse? That you're fucking _confused_? Oh, come on, Edward. You can do better than that. You're smart." I waited… _28…29…30..._ nothing… _58…59...60… _I started walking across the clearing.

"Fine! If you aren't gonna fucking talk to me, I'm out of here," I announced, walking towards the tree line. What I was really saying was, '_Don't let me go. Give me something worth staying for'._

And even though we both knew that I wouldn't really leave…_which, allowing me to maintain some pride and dignity, he kindly didn't mention…_ he finally manned up and used his words like a big boy. "Bella, wait!" I paused midstride, but didn't turn around to face him.

Silence pervaded again.

"I'm waiting," I said with a laugh, not amused. _Typical._

…_that's what I get, I've come to expect it from you…_

"Well?"

"Just give me a minute!" He shouted in frustration. "I don't know what's going on between us, okay? I just don't know, and I don't know what the fuck I was doing last night with Emma. It was disrespectful to both you and her and classless, but other than that, it's not like I did anything wrong. I never made any commitment to you. We aren't in a relationship," _just shut up, you stupid, clueless boy. Honestly, just shut your mouth now before you make it worse. _"it's not like you have any right to be mad. I mean, you know what I'm like, Swan."

_He made it worse. Why couldn't he ever shut his mouth while he was ahead?_

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I cried. He looked at me, mouth still open, prepared to continue, clearly puzzled, but obeyed regardless. "You just… you sound so stupid when you talk sometimes, so just stop. Do you honestly believe that I have no right to be mad at you? Errrrrgh! You are such a dick, Cullen. Why the fuck am I wasting my time with you?"

We stared at each other… and then finally I spoke, defeated. "I don't know what I've been doing with you either, but I won't be doing it anymore. I gotta' get going."

My body and my mind were finally in agreement… _for different reasons of course…_ about how much they hated saying those words, but while my body thought we could overlook his cunty ways in order to maintain the dicking it was getting fairly regularly, my head knew that I couldn't handle that shit without getting my heart broken.

…_baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know I used to live alone before I knew ya'… _

"Bella…" his voice broke as he called out my name. "Wait, please. It's not like that. You know that we can't… even if I wanted…" I started walking again. "W-w-w-w-wait! That's not what I meant. I meant even if I could… ummmm, knew how? Even if I knew how to do this, we couldn't. I promised…"

"Alice," I interrupted.

"Yeah, Alice. We both did, and after all the pain I've caused her…"

"Stop it, Edward. Alice wasn't the only one that went through that shit. You lived through it too…"

"Bella, it would have never happened if it wasn't for me! If I could have just let sleeping dogs lay… Alice would have never had her life put in jeopardy like that."

"That might be true, but you keep forgetting that your life wouldn't have been put in jeopardy either. You were both in danger, Edward, but if anyone owes anyone… Alice owes you. You did everything you could to keep her safe—everything. Alice shut down and you had to live with the enormity of the burden of keeping both of you safe and then, when it's all said and done, you had to live with not only all the guilt you heaped on yourself, but all the guilt she heaped on you too."

"Bella… I don't… can we just not talk about this anymore, please? It doesn't really pertain to what's going on with us."

"How doesn't it?"

"Because!" He shouted. "Regardless of that, I made my sister a promise and I can't just break it. She would never forgive me. It's all she's ever asked of me and I am not going to let her down."

I didn't agree with him that Alaska had nothing to do with this, because it did, but I did understand what he was saying—I didn't want to disappoint Alice either. I admit that at times her restrictions frustrated me, but instances like last night I realized that she was only trying to protect me and our friendship.

"I don't want to let her down either," I said meekly. "So where does that leave us?"

All of the anger that had filled the small area, pushing all of our other emotions away, suddenly dissipated, leaving us with only our confusion and doubts.

…_and I've seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a lonely Hallelujah…_

In a moment of honesty, Edward turned to me and said, "I know that we can't be together. Hell, Bells, I don't even know how to _be_ with someone like that, I just don't think I'm built that way, but… I don't want this to end. I don't want to lose everything I have with you. Whatever this is, that's going on between us, I'm scared that when it ends, our friendship will too. I don't really want to lose either of them, but especially not our friendship."

'_You see me… where I stand, such as I am...' _ Shakespeare popped into my head, and just wouldn't leave. He was laying himself as bare as he could at my feet.

I had to return the gesture... _but I was so fucking scared to. I couldn't trust him._

"I feel the same," I whispered so low that I wasn't sure he could hear me, but he did.

…_but remember when I moved in you and the holy dove was moving too and every breath we drew was Hallelujah…_

He crossed the distance between us in four strides and pulled me to him, his lips meeting mine forcefully. There were no gentle pecks, or questioning, tentative kisses, no permission to enter sought or access granted. It was teeth and tongues and mouths and wet and warmth and I was no longer cognizant of where I ended and he began. Want and lust and desire swirling around us, a salacious and lascivious haze that left me dizzy and dazed, but demanding.

_Can't wait. _

_Now. Oh, God! Please._

Impatient hands were tugging at and shifting clothes.

His lean, muscled body pressed hot and tight up against my back, one hand at my waist, bending me forward, and the other wrapped around both wrists, guiding them until rough bark made contact with my palms. With the skin of my neck trapped almost painfully between his teeth, he roughly pushed himself inside me, earning him both a gasp and moan.

…_Hallelujah, Hallelujah…_

_Yes!_

_Ohhhh!_

No more thinking or words messing everything up.

No more trying to name it, wondering what it was. It was perfection.

It was all clutching, clawing, sucking, biting, more, more, more, more, more, never enough, building, building, building, and then…

…_Hallelujah, Hallelujah…_

Lost.

Adrift on a sea sensation, but tethered to him.

Pleasure unfurling in delicious waves.

When the waves settled I was left cold and, though we were still joined and he lay panting on my back, very much alone. He pulled out, leaving me bereft, missing his heat around me and inside me… _missing him_. Still leaning forward, legs slightly spread and gripping the tree in front of me, I heard Edward behind me as he zipped his pants up and then moved forward to stand beside, but slightly behind me.

He dropped down, resting on the balls of his feet, sighing my name, and I jumped as his lips unexpectedly pressed softly against my bare hip. He reached down and began slowly sliding my hastily shoved down jeans and panties up my legs. When they were pulled all the way up, he moved back around behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist to zip and button them up before pulling me back into his chest.

"Where do we go from here, Bells?" He asked softly, pressing a soft kiss just below my ear.

"I don't know. We don't have a lot of options here. We obviously can't go public with this, and I am not going to lie to Ali. Plus, you already admitted that you aren't the relationship type, not that I can even pretend to trust you, and I won't be another one of your harem; I am not that desperate. Let's just call this what it is… the end."

…_maybe there's a god above, but all I ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya'… _

"No! We can figure this out. We can make it work for both of us."

"How, Cullen? How do we make this work? We don't even know what 'this' is. What do you want?

"I don't want to lose this?"

"The sex? Ha! You get plenty of that, and I am sure some of it's a lot better than me so…"

…_and it's not a cry that you hear at night, and it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah…_

"Fuck, Swan! No. It's not just sex. I mean, I don't want to lose the sex either—I like the sex—but more importantly, like I already said… I don't want to lose _us_."

"So, what are we? Fuck buddies?" I wrinkled my nose at the term. _I didn't like it._ "How does something like that work?" I looked at him expectantly. "There have to be rules."

…_Hallelujah…_

"You assume I've done this before?"

"Well let's face it, you've been around the block a time or two and chances are this isn't your first time at this rodeo."

"Well it is, okay? I don't really know how something like this works any more than you do."

I rolled my eyes at him. "So, all those girls just fuck you whenever you beckon?"

"Yeah. It's not like I've really had any kind of formal arrangement with anyone I've fucked."

I rolled my eyes. Whores. _And you aren't? _Shut it.

"Wow. So, these girls were all willing to wait their turn to be _allowed_ the _honor_ of sucking your dick." He had the decency to look a bit chagrined over his behavior. "I'm not that girl, Cullen. That is not gonna happen with me. If we do this, when you're with me, you're with me. I am not going to fuck you if you are going to be fucking a bunch of random chicks at the same time. I won't be just another member of your harem…"

"You never have been," he said so softly, that had I not seen his lips moving, I may not have even known he was speaking at all. I looked into his eyes, searching for any kind of insincerity in their emerald depths, but all I saw was veracity backing up his, fervent, yet gently spoken words.

…_Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelu-uuu-uujaahhh…_

~//~

And that's how our arrangement came to be. Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the boulder I had perched on earlier, and for the next hour or so, we hashed out the rules— we were not in a relationship per se, but we would be monogamous—the second either of us decided to date someone else or, more likely in Edward's case, hooked up with someone else, our arrangement ended. It could be resumed later so long as both parties were agreeable to it and the other relationship/sex had been terminated.

When we were done figuring things out, we headed back to our vehicles hand in hand. He walked me to my truck, opening my door for me once I'd unlocked it, and then helped me inside. When I was seated, he leaned in, pressed a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth and breathed out my name, _Isabella, _a whispered goodbye. He shut my door and then stood there in the parking lot, watching me back out of the little parking area and drive off. He watched me with the strangest expression on his face and an unexplainable light in his eyes that made my heart beat out a crazy pattern, until I turned onto the 101 and could no longer see him.

I arrived home, made Charlie dinner, and prepared for school the next day in a daze. An unexplainable giddiness bubbled inside of me, just barely managing to stay contained. If Charlie wondered about my sudden lightness, my too-bright smiles, and my unconscious humming, he didn't say a word. He allowed me to live in my joyful little bubble unquestioned for as long as it would last. It turned out to not be very long because, like all bubbles, it was fragile, ephemeral. The next morning I awoke in a cold sweat, realizing the compromises I had made in order to have whatever part of Edward he could give me.

~//~

**Present**

I stepped out of the woods, into the Cullen's carefully manicured yard, strangely more ill at ease than I had been in the nearly-black forest. My friends were nowhere in sight, but someone had left the porch light on for me. I quickly crossed the expanse of lawn to the deck and then the porch, to enter the house as silently as possible. As I passed the entryway of the den, on my way to the stairs a voice called out, startling me.

"Bella, dear? Is that you?"

"Esme?"

"In here, honey."

Taking that as Esme's polite way of saying she wanted to speak with me, I poked my head inside.

"Sorry, if I woke you. I was trying to be quiet…"

Her soft smile hushed me, and she got up from the couch and made her way around to me. When she reached me she put an arm around my shoulder, squeezing me to her and then, keeping her arm in place, guided us down the hall and up the stairs.

Time had been kind to Esme, she was a well-kept, extremely attractive woman. Not much taller than me, she had a slight, trim build, and a youthful visage that made it difficult to believe that she was old enough to have grown children who had already graduated college. Despite this, she was possessed of a maternal nature, her touch bringing a peace that I had never experienced with my own mother.

"No, dear. I was awake. I just wanted to make sure that you made it back safely."

"Oh! Esme, you shouldn't have. I am so sorry for keeping you up…"

She hushed me again. This time with just a carefully raised eyebrow... _one. They weren't even related by blood. How was it fair that they could all do it and after 23 years, I still hadn't mastered it without my whole forehead scrunching up and twisting?_

"I was up anyway, dear. Unlike you, my other children seem to think that they are really elephants."

My heart squeezed in my chest hearing her include me amongst her children. She had always felt more like a mother to me than my own mother ever had. We had come to the door of my room and she paused. Pulling me into her strong embrace… _I knew where Alice's _enthusiastic _hugging tendency came from…_ she held me for a second and whispered, "It'll all work out, dearest. My son may be an idiot, but he loves you… even if he isn't aware of it yet. Just have faith in him."

_Had we been that transparent? Did everyone know? _She pulled away from me then, my face a mask of surprise and she laughed lightly and gave me a small watery smile. "I might not have been constantly hovering, but I am an observant mother and I know my children… all of them. Goodnight, Isabella."

My eyes pooled with tears. With a kiss to my forehead and a soft pat on my cheek, she walked down the hall to her room without another word.

"Goodnight," I choked out, too late.

I walked inside my room, closing the door behind me and collapsed on my bed. Exhausted, I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

~//~

I slept fitfully, the faces of Edward and Tanya and countless other girls swirling round and round in my head, until an entirely too chipper Alice woke me up at some God awful hour the next… or rather, that morning.

"Bell-la!" She sing-songed, fluttering around my room like the bird she sounded like as she pulled the shades and let the light stream in. "Riiiiise and shi-ine!" She trilled.

"Come on, sleepy head. We're going to First Beach this morning and I want to get there early."

"I don't want to go to First Beach, Alice. I already told you that. Charlie has the day off so I'm going to go spend some time with him." I couldn't go anywhere near La Push. I had never returned any of Jake's calls after that disastrous date we went on… _the one where I fucked Edward in the bar bathroom the last time I saw him._ Avoidance _was_ my go-to method of dealing with things. I was going to be questioned about him enough by Charlie as it was, I didn't want to have to lie to the poor kid's face about how 'busy' I had been doing nothing all summer, and after last night's revelation with Esme, I couldn't help but wonder if Charlie suspected anything about Edward and I too.

In a surprising show of restraint and minding her own business, Alice let it go. "Fine, just thought I would check. Give the chief a hug for me." _See you later._

I didn't say a word as she left. I drifted back to sleep, not waking until several hours later. I showered and got ready quickly before grabbing my keys, phone and purse and bounding down the stairs for the front door in a rush to see Charlie and get out of the house before Liarward showed up.

~//~

**Songs Used In Order of Appearance:**

_Apologize,_ One Republic_  
I've Come to Expect It From You_, George Strait_  
Hallelujah, _Jeff Buckley (this is my fave version)

1. '_You see me… where I stand, such as I am...' Act III, Scene II, The Merchant of Venice, _William Shakespeare

**A/N:** Next up is Badward's POV.

Huge thanks go out to V, my fuckawesome beta extraordinaire, and to Redvelvetheaven, spectacular previewer and opinion giver. I could absolutely not do this story without either of you. You are both amazing. (V, thanks for suggesting Hallelujah for their discussion, I went with the Buckley version 'cause it's my fave.)

I may have never finished this chapter if it wasn't for my LoD girls', EchoesOfTwilight and Araeo, and their willingness to hang out with me in our secret volcano lair literally every night (writing and plotting to take over the world) until some ridiculously early hour the next morning. You are both just as anal, no pun intended, as me, and I love tossing ideas around with you or even just smoothing out messy phrasing. (Em, there was a little something in this chapter for you, but you will know it when you see it.)

I want to thank my ficwife, Nerac, just because I love her. Thanks also to the girls of the Bad, Broken and Dead threads for all of your support. If I forgot anyone, I apologize.

**Rec's:**

Out of sheer laziness, my only rec this week is for _The Lion and the Jackal_ by Lalina. It's the sequel to The Sacrificial Lamb and it posts on October 10th, 2009.


	16. Chapter 14 Every Me and Every You

**Disclaimer:**

**A/N: **This chapter is EPOV and starts after Belligerant and Badward finshed talking in the meadow. This is our last real foray into the past. There will be flashbacks as necessary in the remaining chapters, but only as necessary.

**

* * *

Chapter 14- Every Me and Every You

* * *

**

Sucker love is heaven sent  
You pucker up, our passions spent.  
My hearts a tart, your body's rent  
My body's broken, yours is spent

Carve your name into my arm  
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed…

…Sucker love, a box I choose  
No other box I choose to use  
Another love I would abuse  
No circumstances could excuse

In the shape of things to come  
Too much poison come undone…

…Sucker love is known to swing  
Prone to cling and waste these things  
Pucker up for heavens sake  
There's never been so much at stake

I serve my head up on a plate  
Its only comfort, calling late…

…Like the naked leads the blind  
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind  
Sucker love I always find  
Someone to bruise and leave behind

All alone in space and time  
There's nothing here but what here's here's mine  
Something borrowed, something blue  
Every me and every you…

_ - Every Me and Every You, _Placebo

~//~

**4.5 Years Earlier**

It was like an unwritten agreement in our family that once we left the hospital and Chicago, we wouldn't speak of the abduction again. It was mentioned on occasion, circuitously of course, and counseling was always available to… _and declined by_… both of us, but it's not like we ever discussed it as a family. Looking back, maybe it wasn't the best way to handle things, but then again, I never expected that talking about it would cause me to feel such relief. Although, maybe it was because it was Bella I talked to—I'm not sure. Whatever the cause, I felt lighter than I had in years and the fact that Bella finally opened up to me intensified the feeling.

The day would have been a total success, if only I had managed to convince her… _without her without her realizing …_to cancel on James. _Yeah, I should have come up with a plan for just how to achieve that objective. Winging it got me nowhere. _ I still had hope though. I hadn't exhausted all of my avenues—I still had Emmett… and Charlie. I didn't think I quite had the balls to utilize Charlie. _Hello, Chief. I need you to not let your eighteen-year-old daughter go out with this guy tonight because he wants to fuck her and I don't want anyone fucking her but me._ Not a conversation I ever wanted to have.

It was just shy of ten in the morning when we finally finished talking, and as I looked at my watch, I realized that we needed to head back to the house if we wanted to avoid being caught coming from the woods together at such an early hour. _As a family, we didn't believe in Saturday mornings, especially not ones that my father was actually home for. _Neither of us were eager to have that conversation, but I was still somewhat surprised that Bella made no objection when I stopped at the edge of the clearing, about seventy feet down from where we had entered, and motioned for her to hop on my back.

The trip back to the house was silent. When we reached the edge of the yard, I paused and checked for any signs of life. I didn't see any so I set off across the yard at an easy jog, wanting to cross the distance quickly and hopefully lessen our risk of being caught. Bella had made no attempt to hop down at the forest edge and her face was snuggled into the crook of my neck, her warm breath licking my skin with each exhalation, so I assumed that she had fallen asleep. I was fairly surprised when I stopped outside the dining room door and she began to unwrap her body from around mine.

"Ready?" I asked. I felt her nod against me. She sighed as I released her and then slid down my back like she was reluctant to part.

We silently entered the house and I walked her to her door. I watched, silent and unhappy, as she placed her hand on the knob and prepared to enter her room. She paused and turned, her hand still clutching the doorknob, and softly said, "Thank you, Edward… for everything today. You're a good friend."

I gave her a small smile and then reached forward. I brushed the back of my fingers across her cheek, and then swept down her jawline, saying, "You too, Isabella. It means more to me than you will ever know. I just…"

I was surprised to find that I meant every word I was saying, and as the realization dawned on me I tripped over my words, but my girl silenced me. "I know, Edward. I know."

_And she really did._

She returned my smile at the same time that the entire house, all at once, began to stir, and then pushed open the door before slipping inside. Aware that we had been caught in another one of those _movie moments_, I frowned. _I wasn't at all sure that I liked that._ I headed up to my room and decided I needed to do something about the stiffy that I had gotten from having Bella pressed against me for thirty minutes. She'd had her legs wrapped all the way around me, ankles crossed in front of me, all the places I wanted to touch rubbing against me as I walked, and I swear to fuck I could feel the heat of her _right there, _even through our clothing.

All I had thought about the entire way was how much I wanted her in this same position, sans clothing, only with her ankles crossed at my back. I groaned as I shut my door behind me, locking it and then falling against it with a thud. I crossed quickly to my bed and threw myself across it, twisting midway so that I landed on my back, and snatching up the box of Kleenex on my nightstand as I fell. I had barely made contact with the bed before my hand was at my fly, wrenching them open…_ thank god for button-fly jeans._

~//~

When I finished, I went downstairs to the kitchen to grab a bite and found Alice sitting at the bar reading some trashy, checkout stand magazine with that douchenozzle, Robert Pattinson on it. _Yeah, I saw that fucking vampire movie—lame as fuck and total chick flick. What the fuck ever. A sparkling vamp is hardly frightening and could he have been a bigger girl? Just sayin'._ Despite her shittastic taste in reading material…_ seriously that shit was brain-rot of the highest order…_ she was just the person that I wanted to see.

"Al-lice…" I intoned, perhaps a little too smoothly.

"Whatever it is, no, but if it makes you feel better to ask... I suppose you can ask. What do you want, Edward?"

Like most of our conversations, it didn't go so well. _Par for the course with her, I guess. _I tried to get Alice to keep Bella from going out with James.

"No! You don't own her, so stop being so fucking stingy with something that isn't yours, Edward. Quit cockblocking her, it's not fair."

Oddly, her response was an echo of my sentiments from the movie theater, only with her usual brand of snark and 'I can't even stand having to breathe the same air as you' haugtiness.

I started to open my mouth in protest, but was stopped by Alice's raised hand. "Save it, Dickward, you are. It's actually pretty fucking hypocritical of you, considering you're still out there playing the field. You're keeping it more on the down low than normal—which is nice—but you're still hittin' it on the regular. Bella hasn't even been on a date since she moved here. Why don't you leave her alone and give her a chance to find companionship… happiness. We both know that would never happen with you."

"Mal… Alice, its not that I don't… I'm only trying to be her friend, not…"

"Enough! I don't want to hear whatever bullshit rationale you've managed to convince yourself of so that you feel better about what you're trying to do and what you've already done." I raised one eyebrow at her. "Try and play stupid all you want, but don't think that I, along with most of Forks High, don't know about what happened with Newton at the beginning of the year, or any of the other times, for that matter. The guys aren't exactly comin' a runnin' because of it."

"He had it…"

She cut me off, waving her hand dismissively. "I know he did, but all the same, it had an effect. Stay out of her love life, Edward, before you fuck it up anymore than you already have. You keep insisting that only want to be her friend, so be her friend—Stay. Out. Of. Her. Love. Life. You're no good for her. Hell, you're not even good for yourself. I gotta get back upstairs and get started on her pre-date spa sesh. Just leave her alone. Don't forget, you made me a promise."

Alice doubted me, and if it had been anyone other than James Hunter that Bella was going out with, she would have been right, but in that instance, it was about more than my unfounded and inappropriate jealousy… _although those were still a factor._ I wastrying to be a friend, but my sister thought so fucking little of me, so greatly doubted my ability to think with anything other than my dick and not be a caveman, that she refused to see it and wouldn't even hear me out. _I actually started to feel bad for the Geico Cavemen, as fucking retarded as that sounds. _

The remainder of the day was spent sulking around the house, completely miserable. Dejected, rejected and angry with everyone… _mostly myself_… while my twin sister, Judas Brutus, was upstairs helping Bella prepare for her date with that scummy, sleazeball motherfucker. _Grrrrr! _The more I thought about him taking her out, thought about him touching her, recalled the words he had whispered to me in passing the night before…_ I'll be the one fucking her first...going to fill every hole…no one's gonna want her when I am done with her…_ the angrier I became.

I needed a preoccupation other than her, but I was at loose ends—Jasper was with his parents in Olympia for the day, Emmett and the bitch were in the garage taking advantage of his absence to work on his 'Stang—I had no one to distract me. I tried reading, watching television, playing my piano, everything, but nothing seemed to settle the… whatever it was, that was festering inside of me. So I paced the house. I stalked the corridors like a predator.

You would think that it would have calmed me or at least worn me out, but it only seemed to increase my agitation. I was vaguely aware of that fact, but lacking any better occupation or options, I continued. Every few laps of the house found me in the garage, hoping that Cuntalie would be gone so that I could speak with my brother alone, but each time she was still there… _as I knew she would be._ Every time that I walked in to find her there, I would leave in a huff and go back to pacing the house, only to begin the whole routine over again a short time later.

_Yeah, I was acting like a big fucking drama queen baby. Who fucking cared? I admit, I had totally bitched out over the girl. I might as well have turned in my man card right then and started drinking fruity concoctions with umbrellas in them, or wine coolers. _

Late that afternoon, I made my usual ruckus as I entered the garage—deep sighing, shuffling around, and scuffing my feet noisily—you know, generally making a nuisance of myself and nonverbally saying, 'look at me'. I was shocked when Emmett spoke up since he hadn't so much as glanced up at me or acknowledged my presence the whole day.

"What seems to be the problem, 'Wardo?"

"Where's Rose?" I questioned snippily. _'Cause that's the way to ask for someone's help._

"Upstairs gettin' some grub with the girls. What's up?"

I scoffed at his question. "What the fuck makes you think there's something up?"

He peered at me from over the top of the hood, cocking an eyebrow at me. "Dude, come on…"

"I don't know what you're talking about. Can't I just want to hang out with my brother while the girls are all upstairs playing 'Pimp Yo' Friend' with Bella?" _Eighteen years old and I could have been the programming director for MTV. _

Pacing agitatedly, I tore at my hair as I spoke. "I hope they're aware how cold it is out there and that the usual skank-attire chicks wear on dates isn't exactly appropriate; it is January, after all. Not to mention, it would give her date the wrong impression. Maybe she wants to give him the wrong impression though, I don't fucking know. Although, honestly, she shouldn't put out tonight if she wants to go out with him again. Guys don't date chicks that fuck on the first date."

Words kept spewing from my mouth, growing more vitriolic and insulting as each one fell out. Was I in preschool? Maybe next I could go pull her pigtails_… mmmm, Bella in pigtails and a little Catholic schoolgirl outfit, bent over my desk while I smacked her ass with a rule…_

Emmett tossed something at me and I just barely managed to catch it before it hit my face. I looked at the object in my hands—a flask—and then back to Emmett.

"Dude, you need to chillax. You're stressin' me right the fuck out." I looked at him and then the flask in my hands. "Don't be a pussy, drink it."

With a shrug, I uncapped it and took a long pull, wincing as the whiskey burned its way down my throat. I started to put the cap back on, but at a look from Emmett, stopped. I took two more belts, capped it and tossed it back to him, watching as he moved to the open driver's side door and slipped it under the seat. Neither of us spoke for a long while and I felt myself mellow as the whiskey started to work.

"Now, what seems to be the problem? And don't even think about telling me that it's nothing… or that it has nothing to do with…" I shot him a sharp look, shutting him up. "What's got your panties in a twist, little bro." I glared at him for a moment, but then resigned and collapsed into a fold-up chair and looked at the floor.

"I don't think Bella should go out with James," I said with little to no inflection.

"_No surprise there," _he said under his breath, just low enough that I could pretend not to hear him. I started to panic… _was my obsession with her that fucking obvious…_ but curbed it before it got out of hand. It was more important to keep Bella out of that fuckhead's clutches than whether or not my family knew I was interested in her…_ besides, it was just Emmett._ _Bros before hos. I thought that applied._

"Why don't you want Bella going out with James? I mean come on, Brosef, I know that you and he don't really like each other and that you're constantly competing for the same chicks, but you've gotta have a better reason that. So what is it? Is there something else, Eddie? Something you're maybe… maybe not tellin' me? Another reason perhaps? Hmmm. Hmmm. Is there… is there anything you want to get off your chest about this, little buddy? You can tell me. I'm your friend, compadre."

"No!" I said a little too quickly and a little too fervently. _Way to play it cool, jackass._ "I just don't like him; I don't trust him," I mumbled, looking at my feet, scuffing my toe as I kicked at the garage floor. My hands were clasped behind my back. _I looked like a fucking petulant toddler. _

"Dude, 'I just don't like him?' Not gonna fly," he said, mocking my petulant, whiny voice. "Use your words, Eddie."

I glared at him. "Fuck you, Emmelie." Finally, exasperated and giving in, I spat out, "Fine! I just don't want to see her get hurt. He just… well… it's just… he has a bit of a reputation for using chicks, y'know? I don't want to see that happen to Bella; she's a nice kid."

Emmett snorted and then popped his head out from underneath the hood. "Well, isn't that the fuckhead calling the fuckhead a fuckhead? Hand me that ratchet, please."

"Don't fucking lump me in with that scumbag," I shouted, temper flaring. "Girls know exactly what they're getting into with me, and they have complete control of what goes on. I never lie or pretend to be someone I'm not, so don't even act like him and I are even remotely close to being in the same fucking league. I mean if you knew… he's not a good guy, okay?"

Emmett raised his hands in surrender. "Fine, fine, but is this really about him?" I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Or would you act this way no matter who she was going out with? I'm kinda getting the feeling that you don't want Bells going out with anyone… I'm just sayin', that's all."

We both knew that, had he finished his sentence, it would have ended with, '_...other than you.'_ One look at my face though, and he shut up. _I was a race car in the red, a race car in the red. If I push her any more, she goin'ta blow, Cap'n!_ What I was saying was that I was about to blow up… that would be the point I was trying to make.

"That's not… We're just… I'm just trying to look out for Alice's friend!" I sputtered. "I mean, she's practically a member of the family, like a sister to us. I would do the exact same thing if it was Alice."

I didn't catch all the words, but thought I heard him mutter something that sounded an awful lot like, '…ain't never seen you look at Alice the way you look at Bells… fucking incest.' I really wasn't all that eager to pursue that topic of conversation, but he started talking before I could ask him what he said, and I was able to let it go.

"Dude, you gotta back the fuck off and let her make her own mistakes, regardless of what you think about any of it. The harder you fight her, the more she's gonna resist and then she'll do it just to spite you. Besides, it's not up to you what she does, you're not her father and she's eighteen."

The door from the house opened and Rosalie stepped through, saying with a sneer, "Ughhh. What are you doing here, Eddie? Don't you have some skank to be fucking somewhere?"

Emmett looked at me somewhat apologetically, and shrugged.

"I don't know, Rose. Are you free now?" I asked as I got up from the chair and headed for the door. "Well, I got shit to do, Em. Can't be entertaining you all fucking day long. Later."

"Good talk, 'Wardo. Let's do it again sometime. Maybe one day you'll stop acting like such an emo-dick."

I glared at him. Fuck Jasper and Emmett and their fucking 'good talk' bullshit comments. They were hanging out entirely too fucking much, I needed to put a stop to that shit. _They better not be talking about me like two bitches._ I flipped Emmett the bird and then, for good measure, flipped Rose off too.

"You wish, fuckhead!" Rose called after me.

"In your dreams, you vain, soul-sucking, psycho-bitch," I replied.

Emmett's braying started up, masking her reply. The last thing I heard as I slammed the door behind me was Em saying, "Rose… Rosie baby, I wasn't laughing at…" _Pussy-whippedmotherfucker. _

Sucked to be him. _Keep telling yourself that, and acting all superior. As if you weren't completely whipped by a chick… one you weren't even fucking, fucktard. Who's the pussy-whipped motherfucker now?_

I went to my room and stayed there, trying to figure out when I became such a fucking pussy until I grew sick of my own company and chased myself out… _or went to find Bella before she left. Same difference._

~//~

The day of Bella's date was a day full of altercations, honestly. It seemed like there was just one after the other. Between the time I dropped Bella off at her room when we returned from the meadow and the next time I saw her, I had run-ins with both of my siblings, and Rose… _I don't know that Rose even counted, since that was a pretty normal encounter for us. _I even ended up getting into a minor spat with Bella when I ran into her… _sought her out…_ in the sitting room shortly before her date. _Smart, Cullen, fight with the girl before she leaves with the douche. Asstard._

The thing was, I wasn't even trying to be a dickhead, but she was acting like a total bitch_._ Looking back, I still wasn't sure that I could have prevented most of what happened that night merely by being honest with her and my siblings regarding the things I knew about James Hunter, but I let my anger get the best of me and said nothing. Instead, what I did say was that she should call me if she needed a ride home for any reason. _In reality, I planned on finding a way to be at that party if it killed me. _

I wanted to say so much more, but that douche showed up and Alice was answering the door and Bella walked out of the room and my chance was just… gone. I followed her and took up post just outside of the sitting room, glowering as James eyefucked Bella. Right fucking in front of me. In my own home. _His eyes were about to get fucked by my fists if he didn't quit with the leering._ Bella and Alice ran upstairs for her coat, and no sooner were they out of sight, than we were at each other's throats; figuratively, rather than literally.

"You better not fucking think of hurting her." I shouldn't have spoken first; it was the equivalent of showing him all my cards. Not smart at all.

"Or what, Cullen? Huh? What are you going to do?" He laughed and my hands clenched into fists. I was just itching to show him what I was going to do. "The things I am gonna do to her… ahhhh! I am going to absolutely defile her. It's gonna be so much fun. You sure you don't wanna watch? After all, I did watch you and Vickie once. Turnabout's fair play."

I was furiously battling the urge to go over there and punch him, but I knew exactly what game he was playing and I refused to participate… _I was _already_ the asshole_. Quickly losing the battle, I watched him gloat, but before I could go over and wipe that stupid, smug look off of his fucking face, Bella appeared on the stairs. The glare on her face was directed at me, but was replaced by a big smile when she turned her attention to James. _Talk about kicking a guy in the nuts with a pair steel-toed boots._

He grabbed her hand and kissed her cheek, pausing afterwards to smirk at me. _Smug prick. _I wasn't sure what pissed me off more, his smirk or seeing him kissing her, even if it was just a peck on the cheek. Before I could think about it, Bella was tugging him out the door and my sister, whom I wasn't even aware had returned, and Bella were saying goodbye, and she was walking out the door… _she's leaving, say something, stop her._

I found myself standing by the door speaking. "What time will you be home, Bella?"

_That's the best you could come up with? _I started to speak again, but she slammed the door in my face and the words died on my tongue, tasting bitter. Moments later I heard his car start up, followed by the sound of gravel crunching under his tires as they left.

"Jesus, Edward!" Having once again forgotten about Alice's presence, I jumped. "Do you have to be such a dick? What fucking difference is it to you when she gets back here? Seriously! Let her fucking live her life."

She shook her head in disgust and went back upstairs to her lair, muttering insults and barely veiled threats the entire way. Needing something to do, I went upstairs, changed my clothes and went for a run, despite how dark and cold it was.

~//~

When I returned, I could hear Emmett and Alice bickering in her room; about what, I could not fucking care less. As I headed up to my room for a shower, I heard a sound that set my nerves on edge_. _

"'Wardo!" Emmett bellowed, poking his head out of Alice's room.

I sighed and ran a hand over my face. "Yeah?"

"Newton's party got cancelled. I guess his parents came home at the last minute or some shit. Everyone still wants to party, and most of the guys from the team were invited to Laurent's shindig in P.A. _I _want to go, but Alice seems to think it would be inappropriate."

I played dumb. "Why would it be inappropriate?"

"Because, Edward!" Alice shrieked at me. "You know Bella is going to be there with James and after you acted like such an asshat today, I don't want her thinking _anyone's_ checking up on her."

The way she said anyone made it perfectly clear to all of us just who '_anyone'_ was, but I ignored her.

"We don't have to talk to her. Laurent's place is pretty big, I'm sure we can avoid her without even trying. Really it's up to you guys, since I'm not even drinking tonight. My turn to be the D.D."

"No, it's not," Ali said, immediately suspicious. "It's Emmett's turn."

"It was, but I lost a bet to him the other day. Now I have to take his next three turns." _Liar._

She looked at Emmett, who pulled out the dimples and said, "Yup. The fucktard threw a real fit about it too. You know what a sore loser E is."

Emmett was gloating, I was pouting and Alice still looked skeptical, but… she relented. _She wanted to party as much as our brother did. _"Fine, but you both better leave her alone and not interrupt her date."

"Boy Scout's Honor," Em and I said in unison.

"Neither of you were ever in the Boy Scouts," she shouted as we left her room.

Emmett and I walked together down the hall, and as we approached the stairs where we would separate, I said simply, "Thanks, man."

"Yeah, well… you'll be much less of a shithead tonight if you can keep an eye on her and, to tell you the truth, I want to keep an eye on him. Plus, I get to drink." Emmett smiled and then patted me on the back, and chuckling said, "You still owe me, though. Now go take a shower. You fucking stink, man."

"You don't smell all that great yourself, Em. Later."

~//~

I was the last one to go inside when we arrived at the party… _I didn't want to seem too eager. _ When I finally walked in, I let myself be swept along by the crush of bodies that all seemed to be moving towards the large open area that occupied the center of the house. I slipped out of the flowing traffic when I found a good vantage point, and turned in a slow circle looking for her. I spotted her almost immediately. She was standing in the kitchen, talking to Calice with James molded to her. The irrational side that she seemed to instinctually bring out in me was at the pitcher's mound.

Immediately, I was being mauled by two slightly younger, very drunk girls that I only vaguely recognized. They were talking, but their slightly slurred words were barely comprehendible. All of my focus was on the fingers that were caressing Bella, but weren't mine. I knew that she knew that I was there. She was a shitty actress, and I saw right through her attempts to pretend she didn't notice me; that she was focused only on James

_If she wanted to play that game, fine; I would play that game. _

James' fingers slipped under the hem of her sweater and began a slow game of advance and retreat, gaining ground each time he completed a round. In response, I wrapped an arm around each of the girls, pulled them close and whispered dirty comment into their ears, causing them to giggle and squeal. I tried to keep my focus on them, but it kept drifting back to Bella like I had no control.

… _For you are a magnet and I am steel…_

James caught my eye, gloating, and my hands clenched reflexively into fists. I removed my arms from the around the two girls, who were kissing each other, and tried to rein myself in. The control I had learned in the months that I had known Bella was finally benefiting me. I managed to not rip him off of her and kill him… just barely. Luckily my attention was pulled from James as… _unluckily_… the Queen Skank herself, Lauren Mallory, appeared beside me…_ at least she chased away the baby skank, faux lesbians…_ handing me a red cup.

"I'm driving," I said, attempting to hand it back.

"It's just Coke, Edward." I sniffed it, she rolled her eyes, and not smelling any booze, I swallowed some down.

"To what do I owe the displeasure, Lauren?"

"Oh, come on. Can't we let that go, water under the bridge and all that? I've missed you."

I snorted. "Right, I am sure you have been lacking for male attention… especially with it being common knowledge that you'll wrap those pretty lips of yours around anyone who'll hold still long enough and drop trou. What movie did you and James see last night?"

My harsh words had no affect on her at all, but she glanced up sharply when I mentioned James, unintentionally confirming my suspicions. I didn't know what it meant, but aside from the obvious—him being out with Lauren 'Guys Only Go Out With Me Cause They Know I ALWAYS Put Out' Mallory one night and Bella the next—I didn't like it for some reason… _also unknown._ I decided to think about it later as my attention was drawn back to Bella.

Part of me, the part that was insanely jealous and furious over seeing Bella with someone else, wanted to take Lauren up on her offer, wanted to bend her over and slam inside of her until all of my frustration and anger was spent. But the other part of me that knew it would only make things worse and had come to despise Lauren in the past few months, despite the release I could get from the use of her body, wanted her to go the fuck away. I did neither.

I took another long drink of my soda and watched James tease Bella's ear with his tongue, smirking at me… _nobody smirks my own smirk at me…_ eliciting a shiver from her. I sneered and slammed back the last of my Coke, channeling my anger into chomping the cubes of ice left in my cup. My head was swimming with rage at that point, and I wrestled my mask of indifference into place.

I needed get a hold of myself before I caused a scene or did something I would regret… _getting a hold of myself seemed to be why I was in that mess…_ not to mention that I didn't want to give James the upper hand or let him think he was winning. Lauren was still all over me, but I barely noticed until she gripped my face in her talons and pulled me down to her level.

I could feel Bella staring at me and the asshole rose to the surface. I found myself smirking at Lauren, or attempting it anyway, as I finished answering her question_._ "Sure. Why not, Lauren. Let's let our bygones be bygones."

"Why you looking so glum, Eddie? I bet I can make you feel better."

She clearly had no interest in my answer. Pouting at me, she slipped her hands behind my head and assaulted my mouth with hers. It wasn't what I wanted. I didn't like it. I felt suffocated and violated, and I tried to push her away from me, but she dug her talons into my skull and persisted, trying to shove her tongue down my throat.

"What the fuck, Lauren?" I snapped when she finally let me up for air. "I said we could be civil, I didn't say attack me like a she-beast. Get the fuck off of me."

With the octopus no longer blocking my view, James was back in my line of sight… now placing open mouthed kisses along Bella's neck as she leaned into him, eyes closed, pleasure written on her face. My head felt hollow and the room was closing in on me. Where had all the oxygen in the room gone and why did it feel too warm? Spinning, I needed to get out of there; needed fresh air.

~//~

I woke up the next morning in agony. My throbbing brain felt too big for my skull and I was certain that someone was poking hot needles into the backs of my eyes. I crawled out of bed and stumbled blindly towards my bathroom. Keeping my eyes closed and the lights off, I pawed through my medicine cabinet, knocking shit all over the place… _and not really giving a fuck about it either_… until I finally found the bottle of Tylenol 3 that I had stashed in there.

I tossed four of them into my mouth in one quick motion, swallowing them down, and then turned the water on, placing my cupped hands under the cold stream to collect a sip of water to help with the pills stuck in my throat. I winced a bit when the water trickled over the knuckles of my right hand and noticed for the first time that it was stiff and swollen. I wasn't sure what I had done, but I ignored it. The pain in my skull was far more pressing at that moment and, besides, the T3s would take care of any aches in my hand.

I filled my hands with water once more, and began to raise my hands up to my parched mouth.

…_sticky lips pressing against mine, rough, demanding, aggressive; a pointy, succubus' tongue wedged between my closed lips, insistent upon insinuating its way into my mouth, tasting of cheap booze and stale coke. Struggling against the leech attached to my mouth, searching for Bella behind her…_

Water spilt from my hands to splash onto the countertop and floor around my feet.

… _James slavering all over the delicate flesh of Bella's neck. The air was sucked out of my lungs. I wanted to rip him off of her, but she was leaning into him, apparently enjoying it. Dizzy already, panic set in. I needed to leave. I couldn't watch the scene before me, but I didn't think I could make it outside on my own. Lauren finally removed her lips from mine… _

I frantically clutched at the now wet surface of the marble countertop, my hands slipping, scrambling, unable to find purchase. I finally gained hold, and gripping the edge, struggled to keep myself upright. Waves of nausea rolled over me as my already-aching head was assaulted by a torrent of images and scenes from the night prior…

…_stumbling outside, Lauren tucked under my arm, steadying me. I made my way to my car and slumped against it, and Lauren was standing in front of me, smirking. _Why don't I like her? _I thought, but before I could remember, she pressed herself to me. She was grinding her tits and pussy against me and then her hand was rubbing my dick through my jeans—_fuuuuuuck! It felt so fucking good_—and she was whispering the dirtiest things in my ear and—_gahhhhhhhh—_it was all so overwhelming… _

…_I didn't object when she popped the button on my jeans or when she unzipped them or when she pulled my cock out. _I should stop her. _But her mouth was on my dick and she was playing with my balls and… _unghhhhh! Sooo nice._ Something still didn't feel right about it, but I couldn't focus…_

…_feeling like I was underwater, everything blurry and slightly unreal, dream-like. I looked down and saw long, shiny brown hair bobbing at the level of my lap. _

Bella.

_It was _her_ plump pink lips stretched around my length. I had wanted that so badly, for so long, but not like this, on her knees on the cold, hard ground. I wanted to worship her, cherish her, I wanted to make her scream my name repeatedly… _and then afterwards, maybe if she felt like it, she could suck my cock. I wouldn't object.

_I tried to pull her up, but she wouldn't have it. _Huh uhn_, she moaned from around my dick, shaking her head and sending the most pleasurable sensations through my body. _Fine, if you insist._ I let her continue, my head falling back onto the top of my car… _

God, Bella!

…_my hands buried themselves in her hair. _It didn't feel like I thought it would, smooth and thick. It's course and thin, _I mused, quickly dismissing the thought upon feeling her teeth lightly scrape the underside of my shaft…_

…_grabbing a handful of hair and fucking her hot mouth. _So close… unh… yessssss…

…_my skin tingling and the hair on the back of my neck standing up in a way that had nothing to do with my approaching orgasm, and then I heard her quiet gasp…_

Bella.

…_pressed against the garage, long, shiny, brown hair, and a look of horror on her face. Looking down, I was met with wheat colored locks. _No! _I brought my eyes back up to the brunette's, hurt and anger and confusion swirling in their chocolatey depths, and I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop and I couldn't look away... _

…_anger spiraling out from my core, discharging itself in the sex act I was partaking in. Realizing that it wasn't Bella's mouth on me,_ _I began thrusting mercilessly. I ignored her muffled protests and felt myself slip down her throat, her nose pressing into the groomed hair at the base of my dick and… _fuuuuuck meeee! _I had never been so deep in anyone's mouth before…_

…_desperately wanting to, but couldn't look away from her pooling eyes as I thrust in and out of the hot, wet, mouth of the whore sucking me off. Wanting to stop, but I was unable to still my hips. I was almost there and then, my balls tightened up and I felt that familiar buzz and my body was shaking and I-I-I was coming in the mouth that wasn't Bella's, but was wrapped so, so tightly around my spasming dick… _

…_watching Bella crack and crumble, powerless to do anything. Everything was so hazy and foggy, I was unsure that it was really even happening—it had to be a bad dream—but then she was running and falling and I wanted to go to her, but my legs still wouldn't work… _

…_she was gone and my dick was cold and wet and shriveled up—_swear to fuck, it and my balls were trying to crawl up inside my body, and not just because of the cold. _Shame, guilt_…

…_meeting Lauren's gaze. She was still giggling after watching Bella fall, with a smug smile on her whorish face. My mouth hanging open as I returned her look, trying to comprehend what the fuck was going on. Something didn't seem quite right about the whole situation, but my mind was spinning like a whirling dervish and I was unable to still it long enough to put my finger on just what was wrong…_

…_wiping the corner of her mouth with her pinkie, Lauren said, "What's the matter Eddie boy, cat got your tongue?"_

_Shaky and trembling—not entirely from my release—and somewhat unsteady, I grabbed her arm, hauled up from her knees and clumsily shoved her against my car. "What the fuck was that, Lauren?"_

_A sick feeling took residence in the pit of my stomach and a dull ache started drumming double time in my head as I took in her triumphant expression. _

"_Now you'll never have a reason to call her name out when you come, and maybe next time you'll remember the name of the girl you're fucking, _Eddie. _It certainly won't be her." _

_I felt even sicker as the situation slowly became visible in my foggy mind. Never had I wanted so badly to hit a girl, but I didn't; it wouldn't have been punishment enough. Misery, self loathing, and disgust consumed me, but before they could drown me in their depths, I decided that if Lauren wanted to play, then, ready or not, she was going to pay for her fun. _

~//~

The faucet still running, I leaned against the counter and splashed cold water on my face, trying to get myself together. My breathing was coming in heavy pants, as both the throbbing in my head and trembling of my knees grew impossibly worse. Feeling embittered and feeble, I didn't know if I would be able to support myself much longer. Knowing I would never make it back to my bed, I gingerly lowered myself to the tile floor in front of the sink before I could fall.

…_one hand tightly gripping Lauren's arm, I used the other one I put my now-freezing dick…_ before it became a cock-sicle_… away and then dragged her with me as I stumbled up the driveway and into the house. It took me forever to find my brother, but I eventually did run into him—_literally—_talking to Laurent._

"_Whoa, Eddie! What the fuck, man? I thought you weren't drinking tonight? Designated Driver, remember? Seriously, dude, I should have known you would pull some shit like this…"_

"_I haven't been drinking," I spit at him, sounding fucked up even to myself._ I hadn't had anything to drink, had I? _No, I had only drank the cup of Coke that Lauren had given me, and even if there had been booze in it, it wouldn't have been enough to get me drunk, yet here I was slurring and stumbling around. I retraced my footsteps and interactions since my arrival and, even in my less than lucid state, one constant kept popping up—_Lauren.

_I gripped her arm tighter, not caring if I left a bruise or not, and shook her roughly. "You put something in that Coke, Lauren? What the fuck did you put in it? What, Lauren?" I demanded through clenched teeth._

"_I don't know what you're…"_

_Shaking her harder. "Don't you dare fucking lie to me. Tell me. Now. I swear to God, if you don't I'll call the police myself."_

"_I don't know…" _

"_Edward, man…" Em started, but was cut off by Rose's arrival._

"_What's going on, guys?"_

_Emmett filled her in on the situation, or at least what he was able to surmise, and an evil gleam appeared in her eyes. "Oh, I'll get her to talk. Trust me. Come on, Lauren." _

_Rose went to take her arm and Lauren freaked the fuck out. "You aren't honestly going to let her be alone with me are you? Are you? Are you?" She screamed at me, frantic._

Why the fuck was she so scared of Rose? Sure, she was a bitch, but she wasn't frightening.

_Laurent spoke up. "I'm afraid so. I have a problem with people being drugged in my house. So, either tell us now or I let Blondie here ask you again in private. If that doesn't work, we can always go down to the station and chat with the police."_

_She took less than a second to contemplate it before it all spilled out of her…_

…_running up the stairs in search of Bella hoping to fuck that I wasn't too late. _

_I was… and I wasn't._

~//~

Rophynol.

Bella and I had been slipped the 'date rape drug' by James and Lauren for some sick reason that I hadn't stuck around to find out, but in the… _sober…_ light of day, I had a pretty good idea as to what it was. _What the fuck was wrong with those two?_ Not for the first time since Bella had shown up in Forks, I found myself regretting ever putting my dick inside that vindictive, psycho whore.

Laying on the floor of my bathroom, trying to force oxygen into my painfully constricted lungs, I cringed… _and possibly whimpered—in a very manly way of course…_ and tried to block out the images of what happened next. I tried not to remember the sounds I had heard that alerted me that they were in that room at the end of the hall.

I didn't want to think about the panic that gripped me when I discovered the door was locked. Although, I will admit that a smile ghosted across my **mouth** as I recalled the sound of the door giving way when my shoulder made contact with it, the cheap thumb lock no match for the sheer force I put into the effort. And I really didn't want to remember what awaited me on the other side of that door, but I couldn't stop the memories from coming.

The nausea I thought had abated came back with a vengeance, and I was soon leaning over the toilet, ridding myself of the contents in my stomach as the remainder of the evening flooded my mind.

…_Bella's eyes snapped up to mine and I knew from the glazed look in them and the sounds she was making that she was close. Sure enough, seconds later, she came and, despite the circumstances, I couldn't help but feel a little smug satisfaction. James might have made her climax, but it was my name she called out when she came..._

…_ripping James off of Bella, I slammed him into the wall at the foot of the bed before he even had a chance to register what the noise had been or that I was there. Vaguely aware of Bella crying, I connected a brutal uppercut __**with**__ James' jaw, causing him to drop to the ground…_

…_gathering Bella into my arms and holding her tightly. It was all my fault. "Bella, my beautiful Bella, what did you do? What did I make you do?" I cried out, not looking for an answer…_

…_James approaching, fists raised and about to make contact. I had just enough time to shove Bella to the other side of the bed and out of harms way before he made contact. My vision blurred red…_

…_James trapped against the wall while I threw punches wildly, not giving a shit where the blows landed so long as they connected with him…_

…_fighting against Emmett as he tried to pull me off of the fucker and take charge of the situation…_

…_sagging against Jasper, the fight going out of me, as he took me from my brother and whispered, "She needs you, man. Go take care of Bella. Em and I got this."_

_As Jasper pushed me towards the door, I heard my brother growl out, "You're lucky I don't fucking kill you, you fucking scumbag…" _

The last thing I remembered before waking up that morning was sitting in the back seat of my car with Bella curled up in my lap, clinging to my shirt and refusing to let go of me as she sobbed softly. I can only assume we both passed out before the car left the driveway and that between Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice they were able to get us up to our rooms and into bed without either of my parents finding out.

~//~

It must have been early when I stumbled into my bathroom, because when I woke up on the floor quite some time later, it was still morning. I took a shower, wanting to wash away the events of the night before, but it did little to make me feel clean since I couldn't wash them from my mind.

I washed my face in the shower, flinching when I touched my jaw_. _ It wouldn't be until I was out of the shower and brushing my teeth that I would see the pale, specter-like bruise that would change in the coming days from grey, to blue, to purple, and every shade between, until it finally turned yellow and disappeared. Prompted by the pain in my jaw, I took inventory of my various aches and pains and was grateful for the T3s that I had taken earlier. As sore as I was after taking four of them, it could have been substantially worse. I made a mental note to take a couple more when I got out.

Once dressed, I made my way downstairs to Emmett's room in the basement to find out what actually happened. I needed someone to confirm or deny the things that had made me so sick earlier. I needed to know what had happened to James and Lauren, and if Bella was okay or not. What I really needed to know was if she hated me, but she was the only one who could provide me with that information and I wasn't ready to face her just yet. I wasn't even ready to face me just yet.

I had made a mess of things, destroyed things, once again. All of it could have been prevented if I had just left Bella alone…_ Alice had said I was no good for her. How right she turned out to be. You'd think I would have learned to stop betting against her_. James wanted to defile something I coveted, payback for me fucking Vict-whore-ia, and Lauren did it as payback for Wrong-Name-Gate. Crushing Bella like a bug under her heel was a perk; she really was a despicable person. After what I had brought upon her, I couldn't look into Bella's transparent eyes to see the accusations that were certain to be there.

~//~

"You fucked him up pretty good for as fucked up as you were, Bro. Jazz and I really didn't have to do much—we couldn't without putting him in intensive care—but I am pretty certain that he won't even consider coming near Bells again." Emmett had just finished telling me what took place after Jasper had shoved me out the door to go to the car with the girls.

I was sitting downstairs in the game room with the guys and Rosalie… _unfortunately… _when Alice put in her first appearance of the day… _in classic Alice style._ She suddenly came screeching down the stairs in a panic. _Seriously, when I first heard the racket, I was expecting to see Macaulay Culkin come tearing into the room._

"Have any of you guys seen Bella? She's not in her room and I already asked Mom and Dad and they haven't seen her. I'm just so worried…" she rattled on and on and on without letting anyone get a word in edgewise. _Truth be told, I was a little bit panicked myself, but someone had to keep a clear head and it wasn't going to be her._

"Alice… Alice… Alice, shut up!" I snapped. "Is her truck here?"

Alice nodded.

_The meadow. _

"I think I know where she is. I'll be back in a while." I ran up the stairs and out of the house without another word.

I was only vaguely aware of Alice's words trailing after me, "You promised me, yet you somehow managed to still get her hurt. Whatever you did to cause all of this, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you had better fucking fix it or I swear to god I will end you…"

Despite barely registering, her barbs somehow managed to find their mark and cut me deep, but I forced myself to shrug them off; I didn't have time for that just then, I had to find Bella.

I don't know why I was so sure that she would go there, I just knew.

~//~

I made it to the meadow in record time, moving quietly as I neared it so as not to startle her. I paused just before I stepped from the cover of the trees and into the meadow, wanting to give her a few more moments before I interrupted her **idyll. **She had clearly gone to the meadow to be alone, so I didn't know how would be received. Would my presence be an unwelcome intrusion, a nuisance, or would she be grateful for my company?

My reasons for pausing weren't entirely as altruistic as I pretended. I also wanted one more moment to gaze at her in secret, while her guard was down and she wasn't hidden behind any of the walls that we were both so skilled at throwing up. I stared unabashedly, without even pretending to feel remorseful for spying on her private moment. My breath caught in my throat as I took her in. She was breathtaking even just sitting on our log, broken down and shivering from the cold.

I absently pondered what it was about her that was so captivating, but I couldn't come up with any immediate answers, and I was wasting what precious little time I had left alone with her. Alice would grow impatient, sooner rather than later, and would inevitably come to look for us. Who knew when I would have a chance to be alone with her again… _who knew if she would even want to be alone with me ever again. _We could go weeks without seeing one another away from the watchful eyes of Alice and our friends.

Knowing that we were about to have it out, that she may hate me, knowing everything that had happened the night before, did nothing to dampen my desire for her. I thought perhaps that meant something, but I didn't want to contemplate what. What I wanted to do was rush to her side and take her, but I'd have been an idiot to think that would happen. I had fucked up enough as it was, I didn't need to compound the situation.

I wasn't itching for a fight… hell, I deserved whatever she was about to give me for any reason she chose… _the list of possible grievances was quite long, to be honest…_ depending on what she remembered. _On the bright side though, she was pretty fucking hot when she was pissed off and yelling at me. Just saying… _Resigned to the fight I knew was coming, I stepped into the meadow, letting my noisy footsteps announce my presence.

Her reaction caught me completely off guard and was startling… _and devastating…_ enough that I nearly let her get away when she skittered over the log and tried to run off into the woods like a frightened deer running from a predator. _I was a predator, but I didn't intend to harm her. I only wanted to fix the damage I had caused. _Despite my delayed reaction, she only managed to get a few steps from me before I grabbed her and prevented her from running away. _Why the fuck was she always running from me? _

Anger unexpectedly welled up in me and I shouted at her, "What the fuck is your problem, Swan?"

_Apparently I was itching for a fight._

I regretted it the second I said it. I took one look at the expression on her face and forgot about my anger. Instead, I began backpedaling. I released her arm and retreated from her personal space… in vain. As if we were dancing, each time I stepped back, she countered by stepping into me, and then when I was unable to continue my retreat, she slapped me… hard as fuck. _Did not see that coming._

At first, I froze from the shock of it… _she slapped me, she actually fucking slapped me! I suppose the kitten had more tiger in her than I had given her credit for… _we both did, but then we thawed—her first, followed by me seconds later. My anger came back full force as I shook the sting off, and just as I was about to ask what the fuck that slap was for, feeling all self-righteous and justified in my indignation… _erroneously_… she stopped it in its path—she desiccated me, charred me to my core. That was when things took a turn for the worse.

In the sanctity of the meadow that had only been christened 'ours' the day before, we threw accusations, leveled charges, and said the most vile, cruel, and unjust things. I wasn't sure if either of us would be left standing at the end. We were vicious; our effort to wound the other the most knew no bounds.

"I saw you," she screamed at me. "I saw you in the driveway with that whore's lips wrapped around your dick."

_I had hoped that she wouldn't remember that. _

The pain and anger and betrayal in her eyes did more to me than anything that had happened in Chicago, and I felt more shame and guilt than an entire generation of Catholics combined. I was nothing. No, I was less than nothing… _and she was everything._ She slapped me again and I took it as penance, but when she prepared to slap me again, I decided I had had enough with the hitting… _my fucking jaw hurt…_ and then I just got angry.

"Don't, Swan. Just don't." _How fucking dare she throw rocks at me when she too was living in a glass house. _"Don't stand there and act like you didn't just fuck James."

She blanched, but then quickly bounced back. "What business is it of yours who I fuck? Did you fuck her?"

"What business is it of yours who sucks my dick or who I fuck?"

Two could play that game, but neither of us had a leg to stand on, really.

"It's not! Are you happy? But it is my business when one of my best friends betrays me and sells me out to that stupid fucking tramp."

"So I can't fuck her because the two of you have some kind of showdown going on? I was fucking her before you got here and I don't need your permission to fuck her now. In fact, I think I'll go call her up and see what she's up to, see if maybe she wants to get together.

"Who are you going to fuck next, Swan? Hmmm? What about Mike or somebody else equally as vile? Maybe you could do him and James at the same time, save yourself some time, or maybe James and Laurent? I know they like to share. Where you guys gonna do it at, the back of your truck? Or what about that hourly rate motel off the highway? I wonder if they give a discount for repeat business."

_What the fuck was wrong with me? _

Even as the words left my mouth, I knew that I was taking it way too fucking far. Not only did I have no motherfucking right, it was uncalled-for and undeserved. I had been practically rubbing her nose in my indiscretions since she arrived in Forks. She fucks one guy in all that time, after being drugged on top of the booze she had imbibed, and I had the audacity to call her a whore? _I sickened myself._ Could I even recall half the girls I had fucked since the day I had seen her at the grocery store? _Nope. I was a vile person._ I hurt everyone, intentionally or not, yet I couldn't seem to make myself want her any less.

She slapped me again, digging trenches with her nails. I deserved it, but still froze in shock for several long minutes, blood trickling down my face unchecked. All of the words we had just slung at each other, both hers and mine, were swirling round my head, leaving me numb to anything physical. Unable to feel the sting of her slap or the pain from her nails, I stood there and watched her turn tail and run towards the house.

Fuck.

Me.

I had just lost her—possibly forever—and I wasn't sure if I should be glad… _now she was safe from me…_ or if I should be mourning what could have been.

"Fuck!" I yelled, turning around and walking to the boulder next to our log bench to slam both my fists against it repeatedly, uttering a loud 'fuck' each time my fists collided with it. The moss and ivy covering it absorbed some of the force and protected my hands from worse damage. When I was finally spent, I hung my head in shame, hands limp at my sides.

I don't know what it was that snapped me out of my daze, but I came to with a vengeance and took off after her. It wasn't over, not by a long shot. _Ahhh, fuck! Had I honestly just quoted that cheesedick movie that Alice and Bella had forced me to watch—The Notebook? Yup, but you got no time to worry about the girl turning you into a pussy. You need to catch her before she makes it to the house._ I was sure that I could easily catch up to her, but wasn't taking chances. I ran.

…_there's a shadow just behind me… _

Her anger had allowed her to move much more agilely than I had anticipated… _or thought possible_… and she had nearly reached the garden path when I caught up to her, looking around herself frantically like a mouse trying to hide from the approaching big, bad, jungle kitty.

"I wasn't done talking to you," I called out to her.

"Well I'm done talking to you, Cullen." She was trying to appear unaffected, but I heard the faint tremor in her voice and saw the spark of lust in her eyes when she turned her head towards me to glare.

…_shrouding every step I take… _

She reached the path to the house and my control snapped. We were going to finish it. Here. Now. I grabbed her shoulder and pulled her around to face me. "No, Bella, I am not letting you walk away from this. And quit fucking calling me Cullen."

Our eyes locked in a battle of wills, and neither of us were backing down. Her usually milk chocolate eyes were bittersweet bakers, nearly black, and I could see her pulse hammering a reckless rhythm through her nearly translucent skin. I was panting, my nostrils flaring, not from physical exertion, but from the sheer force of trying to control the vampire inside me that wanted nothing more than to take her, to devour her completely, to consume her life force so that she was inside me—so that she was mine.

Her emotions flickered quickly across her expressive face and in her soul-baringly deep eyes, matching the ones apparent in mine—fear, anger, hurt, lust, embarrassment, hatred—they were all there. A distant twig snapping reminded me of the outside world and I realized that we were too exposed. We could be caught at any time, and, like I said, we weren't through. As my last semi-cognizant act, I grabbed her wrist and plunged into the dense brush in front of me until I came to a large tree and trapped her against it. _She wasn't slipping away from me._ We were going to talk.

…_making every promise empty… _

She gasped out a refusal, but it was empty, hollow, and entirely ignored by me. "Edward, what are you doing? No… We can't."

She recognized the intent in my eyes long before I was even aware of it. _We can and we are, _my eyes said to her, without me knowing what it was that we _were_ going to do. The look in her eyes said that she felt it too, she wanted me too, handing me the hammer to pound the final nail in our coffin. Me, the guy who never lost, never gave in, gave up fighting against her, against it, against whatever the thing between us was. I laid down my arms, surrendering to her willingly. She could have it all… _it was already hers_… I didn't want it anymore.

…_pointing every finger at me…_

"I don't think I have the strength to stay away from you anymore, Bella." Admitting my weakness for her with my words, my fears with my tone, I had laid myself bare and could only hope that she would see it. I forced myself to keep eye contact no matter how badly I wanted to break it. Awaiting her response, I held my breath, praying she wouldn't burn me, but would not have been able to blame her if she did—I deserved it.

"Then don't." She gave it all back to me with two simple words. _Then don't, _she had said. _Then don't. _

…_murder now the path called must we… _

We were caught up in the sheer wonder of having our affection returned, and both scared… _a bit shitless_… but months of longing crashed down on us and our lips crashed into each other. It was brutal and messy and uncoordinated or rehearsed, but it was lust and need and everything that had always been missing with all of those countless girls that had come before her… it was like finding that one person, whom you recognized yourself in, your other half, but it was also wrong. Somewhere deep inside I knew it was going to swallow us whole, burn us, but we were powerless to stop it.

…_why can't we not be sober…? _

Immediately I knew that it wasn't going to be a gentle meeting between lovers; no, this would be a taking, a claiming. Rough and hot and desperate, we were going to pillage, ravage, devour each other. The fact that we weren't far from the house and could be discovered at any time only added to the frenzy. Overwhelmed by an almost suffocating insatiability—I couldn't get close enough, feel enough, taste enough; I needed to have all of her, all at once. I couldn't decide if I wanted to crawl inside of her or have her inside of me.

…_just want to start this over…_

I nipped and licked and sucked and bit every inch of the exposed flesh of her neck and collar bones, her little moans and pants drove me on… _and drove me fucking crazy_. I needed to feel her clenching around me, but I didn't think I would last long and I wanted to enjoy it, to enjoy her as she peaked. I wanted to see her face as I brought her to previously unreached precipices and then watch her fall as I pushed her over the edge—and I wanted to do it now. Without warning or hesitation I pushed her panties aside and plundered her depths hard and fast with two of my fingers.

_Holy fuck! The heat. The wetness. I swear to fuck and sweet, baby Jesus too, I almost came like a 13 year old boy right in my pants_.

I was frantic and desperate to be surrounded by her warmth in a way, with an intensity I had never known or thought possible, but not yet. This would likely be the only chance we would get… _with my track record, would I even want her after this? I didn't want to know…_ and I wanted to make this good for both of us. I wanted to memorize every curve, every move and noise she made, so that years from now, when we were no more, I would still have one perfect moment.

…_I am just a worthless liar… _

I kissed her while I fingered her and then, her pleasure too much to bear, I let my head fall to her shoulder and lapping at the tender flesh of her neck. I nibbled on her ear while she panted and whimpered and breathed her hot breath into mine. It didn't take long before she was coming around my fingers and I pressed my body more forcefully against her to keep her from tumbling to the ground. Her essence was all over my hand, taunting me, making me harder, so much harder than should have been possible.

"Fuck! Oh, God!" …_if I have to beg and plead for your sympathy, I don't mind it cause you mean that much to me…_ "You are so fucking wet for me, Bella. I have to taste you… I need you, ahhh… n-need you to come in my mouth, p-p-p-please?" _…ain't too proud to beg, sweet darling…_

"Y-yes. Oh, God please!" I shivered at her throatily moaned plea to God… _there is no God here, little one…_ dropped to my knees in the coarse, damp vegetation, peeled her panties off, slipping my fingers back inside her to help her finish riding out her orgasm, and then proceeded to worship her with my tongue, loving her the only way I knew how.

…_I am just an imbecile… _

All the skill I had honed over the years, the techniques and tricks I had mastered were abandoned. Something carnal and instinctual took over as I pulled one of her legs over my shoulder and looked at the most beautiful and alluring pussy I had ever seen. She was open to me, like a flower in full bloom, her folds swollen, red, and glistening with her desire. My cock jerked as I saw my fingers buried inside of her promised land.

"Fuck," I whispered reverently, the word falling from my lips like a prayer.

…_I will only complicate you... _

I watched, mesmerized, as I pulled my wet fingers from her. I had planned on licking her off of them, to get a taste before I was committed_… slightly ashamed to admit it was something I had picked up over the years to make sure I even wanted to go down there because, to be blunt and completely honest, in much the same way some people don't have a taste for sushi but love clams, not every chick is going to taste appealing to every guy…_ but I couldn't wait.

I wasn't disappointed in the slightest; she was the best fucking thing I had ever tasted and I had to have more of her, all of her. I licked her long and deep, top to bottom, running my tongue into every nook and cranny wanting every drop of her I could get, before I plunged my tongue inside of her and mined for more of her tangy sweetness. Every so often I would slip it out of her and run my tongue along her folds, up to her clit where I would circle it. Then I would take it in my mouth and suck on it, before moving back down, dipping my tongue back inside of her well in search of more of her essence.

…_trust in me and fall as well… _

She was biting her lip trying to stifle her moans and her legs were shaking so badly she was about to collapse, despite my arms wrapped around her trying to hold her up. I wasn't done yet… _not nearly_… so I pulled her other leg over my shoulder and continued. She was so fucking close, but she just wouldn't take the leap.

"Let go, Bella. Let me taste you, love. Come in my mouth." I pushed my tongue as deeply inside her as I could and then opened my mouth wide, scraping my teeth over her ripe, swollen to bursting clit.

That was all the stimulus she needed. A body-wracking orgasm exploded through her, nearly toppling her over from its force. I managed to keep her upright without missing a drop of her sweet ambrosia, lapping it up like a cat licking milk from a saucer.

…_I will find a center in you... _

I removed one hand from around her and reached down, swiftly freeing my junk from the denim encasing it and then just as swiftly pushing her legs off my shoulders. Before she had time to comprehend that she was no longer riding my face, I stood up… _I had something else she could sit on…_ grasping her by her hips and lifting her with me. In a seamless move, I slid her onto me as I thrust upward, burying myself as deeply inside of her as possible until I could feel my balls pressing against her ass.

I almost lost it, she was so fucking perfect, felt so good… _fuck!_ This is what really launched those thousand ships. It wasn't Helen's face it was her tight, hot, wet pussy. I was positive of it at that moment because I would have gladly given my life to stay buried inside her perfection forever. However, if I didn't calm the fuck down and get it together, I wasn't even going to make it thirty seconds._ I decided to take a moment and send a shout out to whoever the fuck came up with the denim skirt, because that moment when I was buried balls deep inside Bella, was brought to me by him, a real American hero, and I saluted him._

"Oh fuck, Bella. Unhhh… J-just give me a minute… ung… sooooo fucking tight. Ahhhh, son of a bitch… fuck, you feel sooooo good."

I looked up at her trying to distract myself further. I wanted to make sure she was okay and that I hadn't hurt her with my Donkey Kong cock… _and so I didn't spurt…_ when I noticed blood on her bottom lip. Let me tell ya', if you ever need something to distract you from being a one pump… _or less…_ chump, that'll do it. Well, seeing Bella's blood worked for me.

"You're bleeding," I observed, more to myself than her, and then, not sure what possessed me to do it… _the power of Bella's pussy compels you, the power of Bella's pussy compels you…_ I leaned forward and licked the blood off of her lip. I was pretty certain that it hadn't been there before I had gone down on her, and secretly, I was feeling like pretty hot shit knowing that I made her cum so fucking hard that she bit through her lip, but I still wanted to soothe it.

The next thing I knew, we were both rambling on. Words, both meaningless and meaningful all at once, were said, and confessions were made.

…_I will work to elevate you… _

"Isabella you have no idea how fuckhot that was. I have never seen anything sexier. Oh, God! What are you doing to me? You are going to drive me mad. I have wanted you since the second I saw you and now that I've had you, I don't think I can live without you.

"No, Isabella! Look at me, love. I want to see you; I want you to see what you do to me."

"Edward, please, please move. I need to feel you." Her begging shredded the last vestiges of control left in me. All I could think was, _Mine._

Everything after that was a blur of tongues and lips and teeth and wet and hot and hard. Legs and arms wrapped around, tangled up, hands gripping, grasping, nails scraping, our bodies slipping, sliding, our voices moaning, groaning, panting.

"More, Edward. Ohhhh, ohhhh, God! I need more. Please harder… unhhhh… faster." Her cries spurred me on.

"Bellll-laaa!" I groaned. Both the pleasure and my tempo increased.

…_just enough to bring you down…_

"I-I can't… Oh, fuck! So c-close. Ung. Yes! Oh, God." _Yes, oh God, yes! _My head echoed. _There was nothing I wanted more._

"Come, Bella. Gah! Come on my dick, love. I want to hear you scream my name. Ungh, uh, yes!" _I need to know that I am the one you're thinking of, the one you want._

…_why can't we drink forever…? _

I was consumed by and consuming her. She was the center of my existence, anchoring me even as she was about to about to shatter me and send me spinning out into the ether. My world had narrowed until it was centered where we were joined. It was everything, _she_ was everything and she always had been. With that realization, that epiphany, we finally reached the peak. The bottom came out from under our feet… _and I bottomed out inside of her…_ and we clung together as we fell from heights I had never known, panting into each others mouths. _Seriously, it felt like the end of my dick blew off. Un-fucking-real._

"Ed-ward!"

…_I just want to start things over…_

"Uhh, yesssss! That's it, Bella! Ungh, ungh! Bell-laaa!"

Neither of us moved for a bit and despite never having been a cuddler in my life, I found myself nuzzling my face into her neck, placing little sucking kisses up and down the elegant column of it and wrapping my arms tightly around her, not ready to let her go just yet.

…_all I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is here in my arms, words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…_

In yet another first, I found myself having to stop from saying those three little words. I didn't know if I would have meant them or if my wanting to say them was simply some kind of misplaced gratitude for giving me the best fucking sex I had ever known, but in the long run it didn't matter either way. The words were meaningless and would only cause her pain, whether I meant them or not. We couldn't be together and I didn't know what in the hell romantic love was in the first place.

…_vows are spoken to be broken, feelings are intense,__ words are trivial…_

Finally, pulling us back to the reality neither of us wanted to face, I said instead, the four words neither of us wanted to hear, "We need to talk."

…_pleasures remain so does the pain, __words are meaningless, and forgettable…_

I started to reassure her that it wasn't going to be a bad talk, but I heard what sounded like Alice and Jasper enter the trail from the other side of the yard. I reluctantly pulled out of Bella and set her on the ground. I pulled her panties out of my pocket and gave them to her as we hurriedly straightened out clothing. Once we were straightened up, as best we could, given the circumstances, I grabbed her hand and towed her behind me to the path, walking down it and to the yard beyond.

I looked at Bella blindly stumbling along behind me and shook my head. She was a mess—her lip raw and still slightly bloody where she had bitten it, her hair snarled with bits of bark and moss in it, clothes wrinkled and askew—and I knew I didn't fair much better as I was sporting battle wounds from our tempestuous encounter myself.

I focused on getting us away from Alice and Jasper; we didn't need any more drama added to what we had already dealt with during the last twenty four hours. I was so lost in my thoughts and in praying that we would make it to our rooms unseen, that I almost didn't notice Bella pulling away from me, going back to that numb, dead place she had been for most of the week. I didn't know what had happened, what was going to happen with us anymore that she did, but I wasn't running from it and I wouldn't allow her to either.

_We would figure it out, somehow._

Still in the shelter of the trees with only one step remaining before we stepped back into the yard, into reality, I stopped, pulled her to me and kissed her thoroughly, allowing all of my emotion to seep into the kiss and hopefully into her through osmosis.

"Don't," I said. She nodded timidly. "I don't know when we will be able to talk about this, but we need to discuss this."

She nodded again and I pressed one last soft kiss to her lips before I rushed us across the seemingly empty yard and through the house, not relaxing until we were standing in front of her bedroom door on the second floor. I had noticed her shivering as we approached the house, and suggested that she take a shower to warm up and buy her a little time before she had to face my sister, or any other member of my family for that matter.

This was all new territory for me, and I felt awkward and terrible and not sure what to do. Never before had I been with someone and wanted them to stick around afterwards. Bella knew my reputation, and I didn't want her to think that this was the same, that she was no better than all the girls before her, but I didn't know how to say the words.

Instead, I made sure the coast was clear, pulled her against me and gently kissed her. I sucked her injured lip into my mouth and gingerly swept my tongue across it again… _still a turn on…_ and then pressed chaste kisses from one corner of her mouth to the other. Letting her go, I stepped back, and turned to leave, but not before catching her eye and being confused by the emotions swirling in the brown depths. I didn't say goodbye, I just turned and walked away, more confused than ever about the mystery I had just left.

Was it any wonder that I couldn't walk away from her? That I agreed to and even helped devise our foolhardy arrangement? How stupid could we have been--could _I_ have been? What made me think I could ask her to give me all of the benefits of a relationship without having to honor the loyalty and commitment that came with it? Repeatedly over the years, trying to prove to both myself and her that she had no hold over me, I rubbed other girls in her face, effectively ending things between us temporarily, as per our agreement, until the pull between us became too much and we ended couldn't stay away from each other any longer.

To give me some credit, Bella did the same thing over the years—flaunted other men, boys really, in my face, but she never did it with the frequency that I did… and she never pulled what I pulled by having Tanya on the side. I just kept hoping that Tanya would help me end things with Bella so that she could get on with her life and have the life and love I knew she deserved, all the things she would never get from me…_ I just wasn't capable._

_~//~_

**Present Day**

I was pulled from my sojourn in the past when I turned off the road and onto the narrow, nearly invisible lane that led to my parents' house. My apprehension ratcheted up with each rotation of my tires that pulled me closer.

It was late enough in the day that I could only hope that I would be given a little more time to prepare myself, that she would be out with my siblings doing the whole 'high school days revisited' thing I knew Alice had planned for the weekend… _and had informed me was very tightly scheduled in order to get the most out of the short time we all had together. She was a dictator with a day-planner and a Palm Pilot. _

Bella's truck was there in its accustomed spot, but I was relieved to see that the much more practical SUV my sister had traded her Porsche in for was gone. I got out of the car, grabbed my bags and headed to the front door. I had the strangest tingling feeling as I walked up the steps of the porch, but chalked it up to nerves… _I couldn't have been more wrong_.

~//~

I literally ran into Bella when I opened the front door of my parent's house. Dropping the bag in my hand to the ground, my arms reflexively wrapped around her waist. I don't think she would have fallen, but catching her before she could fall was second nature to me after so many years and once I had my arms around her, I simply couldn't bring myself to let her go.

I felt a pang in my guts, and my chest constricted, causing my heart to do that squeezing thing its been known to do in her presence. The second I made contact with her, I felt that same old familiar jolt of… whatever the fuck it was pulse through me. All my self-sacrificing, for-her-own-good-she'll-thank-me-later bullshit plans fly out the window all because of one measly little thought popping into my head.

W_ho was going to catch her when I was the one to make her fall?_

I know I can't do it. I need to, but I don't have the strength and I know it, have known it all along. I was just finally admitting it. They… _whoever they are…_ say that the truth will set you free, but the truth does nothing to set you free. It makes you want to curl up and hide like a scared little boy. _Edward motherfucking Cullen is frightened of a harmless, will o' the wisp of a woman-child. _

_Bella,_ her name drifts through my mind, a sigh.

Her hands, lifted when she realized she was about to run into someone, were pressed flat against my chest. I could feel the heat of them through my shirt and I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

She stared back at me, all big, glittering eyes, her mouth forming a perfect 'o', but she hadn't made a sound, and I forgot why I was there. All of my carefully laid plans, all my fucking resolve…

…_all the promises we break from the cradle to the grave… _

…flew out the window.

…_when all I want is you…_

~//~

**Songs Used In Order Of Appearance:**

_Magnet & Steel,_Walter Egan_  
Sober, _Tool_  
Ain't Too Proud to Beg,_ Rolling Stones cover_  
Enjoy the Silence, _Depeche Mode_  
All I Want Is You, _U2

**A/N: **As always, thanks to my amazingly, fuckawesome beta, Vanessarae1 (doing a collab with her when BH is done, fyi), RedVelvetHeaven for previewing and listening to my incessant rambling and all the love she has for these characters (you make me cry happy tears), Serendipitydooda- you are a pain in my ass, but I love you, my LoD girls Ali and Em for kicking my ass daily and being as obsessively anal as me (poor girls were forced to read the same passages repeatedly in all their various incantations without complaint), and my wifey, Nerac. I could not do this without all of you and I love you for it.

Quick thanks to my thread girls, and the most important thanks of all, every one of you reading and reviewing this fic. You guys make this all worth it.

**Rec's- **

_Beautiful, Dirty, Rich_ by Kikiblue  
Small Town Gossip by LASMKE_  
1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back_ (sequel to _Short Attention Span_) by netracullen

**Tell me this, please—what is the worst thing someone you were involved with ever said to you? **


	17. Ignore 2

**Please Ignore  
**


	18. Chapter 15 Why Do I Feel So Sad

**Disclaimer:**S. Meyer owns everything Twilight, I just own the manipulations and any original plot points/characters. No copyright infringement intended.

**A/ N:** A quick thanks to all of you who have reviewed. I am fail, as usual, for replying, but it was reply or write and I chose to write. Thanks to those of you who have added BH to your alerts or faves.

*****Warning*****

**Kleenex Recommended **(and maybe something like a stress ball to help with anger management)!

* * *

**Chapter 15- Why Do I Feel So Sad

* * *

**

Friends we've been for so long  
Now true colors are showing  
Makes me wanna cry, oh yes, it does  
'Cause I had to say goodbye...

How can I adjust  
To the way that things are going?  
It's killing me slowly  
Oh, I just want it to be how it used to be…

You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize  
Your actions speak much louder than words  
So tell me why, oh…

By now, by now I should know  
That in time things must grow  
And I had to leave you behind  
So why do I feel so sad?  
If it couldn't be that bad  
Tell me why…

_ - Why Do I Feel So Sad_, Alicia Keys

~//~

I approached the door and felt a tingle run up my spine that felt an awful lot like... _no, couldn't be._ It was just nervous anticipation.

I rolled my eyes at my ridiculousness. I really needed to get a handle on myself before I had to face him if I was going to have _any_ hope of surviving the weekend. Jerking the door open, I went rushing headlong through it. I felt a shadow fall on me and, at the last possible second, looked up… and ran smack into a wall.

My hands came up, colliding with a chest, and I gasped. Unprepared for the collision, I bounced off his chest and braced for my ass to once again meet the floor… _we were old friends._

I think I knew instantly, the moment I opened the door, who was standing there, but it wasn't until his arms wrapped around me, preventing my spill, that I acknowledged whose chest I was pressed against.

Edward.

All rational thought fled. I was swept away by an avalanche of emotion. Pain and lust and love and anger and shame and despair and hope and need all churned together in the confusing, mind-numbing whiteness that swept me up and left me frozen.

_Fuck! _

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! _

My fight or flight response kicked in, and I looked around frantically, trying to figure out where I could run to hide.

…_nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide… _

With flight not an immediate option, I steeled myself against his dark art, sex magic. _You shall have no dominion here. _

"Bella." His voice sounded, I don't know… hopeful, or happy, or something. _Why?_

He hadn't made a move to release me, but I hadn't pulled away from him either. I forgot myself for a moment and relaxed into his arms, but it felt so good and so right to feel the length of his body pressed against mine. With some effort, I pulled myself away from him and wrapped my arms around my torso in a futile attempt to preserve some of his body heat.

"Edward," I replied icily, looking at his face, but not meeting his eyes.

He looked pained, and something akin to hurt replaced his previous expression for just a moment, but then it was gone replaced by that oh so familiar blank, smiling mask of his. Bending over, he reached down and picked up a bag that I hadn't noticed sitting at his feet.

"I wasn't expecting you to still be here. I thought you'd be with Alice and the gang at the beach."

"No. I stayed behind, what with last night being a late one and all. Plus, I wanted to see Charlie while I'm in town. Actually, that's just where I was headed—," I tried to sidle past him, "—so, if you'll excuse me." _No such luck._

I shivered…_ or cringed… _that was a shiver… _it was a cringe…_ whatever. I shivered or cringed, not sure which, at the first contact of Edward's body flush against mine. His hands came to rest behind me, gripping the door frame, around the level of my elbows, and then he did that 'pelvis pin to the wall, lean back so he can see you' thing that he had done for literally ever… _why the fuck did it turn me on so much?_ Trapped the way I was—pelvis to pelvis and caged in by his arms—I couldn't think and, therefore, refused to make eye contact with him. _I had to have at least one sense not invaded by him. _

My body responded instantly to his nearness—Shorty started salivating, Starsky and Hutch stood at attention, my heart pounded, my lungs expanded and contracted at a rapid rate. I tried to concentrate on breathing and prayed that he would give me, like, twenty seconds to reel it in… but no, he wasn't having it. His hips deliberately rocked against me, and my eyes flew to his. _Mmmmm, happy to see me?_ His mask was still in place… _smirk present, just toned down a shade; subtle yet effective…._ but the shutters weren't drawn over his dark eyes and I could see a faint inkling of fire in them. _God, how could I still want him so badly?_ I had to bite my lip to stifle a moan.

_Must resist. _Why am I mad at him again? _Do not go into the light, Carol Anne._

…_you, you got what I need, but you say she's just a friend, you say she's just a friend…_

"Are you sure you can't stay for a little bit, Bells? Please."

He was trying to dazzle me, but it wasn't going to work. "N-n-no. I gotta go."

A strange look flitted across his face, but was gone by the time it registered. And then he was leaning into me, but I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe to give it any more thought. His lips hovered millimeters from mine and the amusement that I could see dancing in eyes told me that he was aware of the effect his nearness had on me.

"I really need to talk to you, Bells—," his shoulders slumped and all the life in his eyes died just before he looked away from me, "—and I would prefer to do it without an audience… or speculation."

That snapped me out of the spell he always managed to put me under… _I wasn't sure if it was his eyes or something in his cologne that did it, but I didn't like it. Stupid dark, sex magic._ "I don't want to talk to you; not now, not later, not ever. Now move the fuck out of my way so I can go see my father."

He looked confused for a moment by my words and then his eyes grew stormy. "Bella, look… I'm sorry about the past couple of months and not talking to you, but that's part of what I need to talk to you about…"

"I said no, Edward, now fucking move."

~//~

He moved, alright, just not the way I wanted him to. He stepped across the threshold into the house, tossing his bag towards the stairs. I started to walk away, intent on getting the hell out of Dodge, only to be brought up short by Edward grabbing my arm. Suddenly, I was being dragged in the direction of the dining room, towards the back door. As we passed, I tossed my keys onto a table along the foyer wall and prepared to dig my heels in; I was not going with him. _No means no, Dickward. _He tossed one of the French doors open and I grabbed the frame with my free hand as we passed through it, causing both Edward and I to come to a jerky, jarring halt.

"Bella, I'm not in the mood! We are going to talk," he bellowed at me. "Let go of the Goddamn door now!"

"No! I told you I didn't want to talk to you and I'm not going to. You aren't going to drag me off somewhere like a Goddamn fucking caveman," I screamed at him.

"I am gonna count to three, and so help me…"

"So help you? So help you what, Fuckward?"

"Bella… this is your last warning. You don't want me to have to make you let go."

I laughed bitterly and mumbled under my breath…_ thinks he's the Incredible Hulk. _

"What was that, Isabella?"

"No, what was that? _You don't want me to have to make you let go?_ Okay, Bruce Banner. Let me guess, I wouldn't like you when you're angry?" I sneered at him mockingly.

What the fuck was his problem? Did he honestly think he could push me around and tell me what to do? I didn't fucking think so, but he obviously did. While I raged against Assward in my head, he turned around—fury twisting his face into someone I didn't recognize or want to know. I had never seen him look so distant, so hardened, and it frightened me a little. He pried my fingers off of the door frame, tossed me over his shoulder and set off towards the woods.

I shouldn't have been shocked by his actions, it's not like it was the first time he'd manhandled me to get what he wanted, but for some reason I was shocked—momentarily—but then I snapped out of it.

Like an epileptic having a seizure, my limbs started spastically flailing about with the intent to hurt and/or maim. I held absolutely nothing back. We had made it past the pool, and were nearly to the edge of the woods when a lucky kick nailed him right in the balls, nearly dropping him to his knee. I tensed, unsure whether to laugh or worry for my life. _He surely wouldn't hurt me…right?_ Well, I wasn't sticking around to find out.

I was all set to bolt for the house as soon as he hit the ground, only he never did. _What?_ I had kicked him hard enough that, had I not known the exact caliber of the heat he was packing, I would have questioned his manhood. He stopped, but somehow managed to stay on his feet through the pain and even though I wriggled around he never released his grip on me. When it subsided, he hoisted me a bit further over his shoulder, and then wrapped one arm firmly around my legs just below my knees.

"Knock it. The fuck off. Bella. This will be easier on both of us if you just cooperate and accept the fact that, one way or another, you are going to come with me and listen to what I have to say. You know what though, this—me carrying you—works just as well. Better really, because at least we'll get there sometime today."

_That smug prick! _I could hear the smirk in his voice and it sent me into a blind rage. Kicking had been eliminated, hitting never did any good, so I did what any grown woman in my situation would do… I bit him. Hard. Right. On. His. Ass.

Thwack!

I yelped as Edward's hand came down with bruising force on my ass cheek. My hand flew to my abused derriere and rubbed at the spot, trying to soothe the sting left by his palm. _That's gonna leave a mark._

"No biting," he ordered tersely. I bristled at the order and his tone, but kept my teeth to myself the rest of the trip. _Don't judge. My ass really hurt_.

~//~

About half-way to our destination—my chin resting in my hand to keep the blood from pooling in my skull more than it already had, my elbow poking, intentionally, into the muscle of his lower back—I couldn't stand the silence any longer. "You know I'm capable of walking, right? I promise if you put me down, I won't try to run."

He appeared to think about it for a moment and then said, "Nope. I kinda like having you all docile in my arms like this. You're like a declawed kitten—all fierce vehemence and determinedly bloodthirsty, but in actuality you're ineffectual, impotent."

And then the son of a bitch… _sorry, Esme…_ had the nerve to laugh! _Oh, I'll show you an angry, declawed kitten. I won't be the only impotent thing around here, you arrogant, smug…_

I wanted to sharpen my claws… on his hide. I began to surreptitiously raise the hem of his shirt, but he either saw it coming or felt me toying with his shirt. He lifted his hand to the ass cheek that he had bruised earlier and dug his fingers into my flesh before giving it a squeeze, a reminder and a warning… _and possibly an excuse to grope._ Duly noted, Sir! I rolled my eyes and huffed in annoyance, but said nothing.

Sheathing my claws, I fumed, silently, the remainder of the way to the meadow. I didn't know if I was more pissed off over his manhandling or over the fact that I was so turned on by it. I mean, what does that say about me… _besides that I apparently like to be spanked?_ _Who knew? _We arrived at the meadow, and Edward dumped me unceremoniously onto my feet in the center. No sooner had my feet hit the ground, than my hand came up and made contact with his face.

"You are such an asshole! What the fuck is your problem?"

The fight had gone out of him. His shoulders slumped and his head drooped—he looked like a defeated man. I had never seen him look this broken—not when he told me about Alaska, not after the Roofie incident, nor during any of our countless arguments over the years. I was used to him looking cocky and self-assured. It was completely unnatural and wrong for him to look so dead. I couldn't keep my heart from aching for him and wanting to fix whatever had broken him. _Yes, it made no sense to want to fix the very person who broke me, but_ _I had no sense when it came to him… never had. _

"I'm sorry," he muttered for the second time that day, which honestly must have been some kind of record for him. In all the years I had known him, after all the things he had done, _that I had allowed him to do to me_, I had rarely heard an apology leave his lips. I wasn't sure what he was apologizing for exactly, but I reminded myself, whatever it was, it was too little, too late. I couldn't do this any longer; I was done.

Still, somehow… _because I had no control when it came to Edward Cullen, and just maybe because he rarely apologized to anyone (I could count on one hand the number of times he had said those words to me)…_ I found myself asking in a soft, exasperated voice, "For what, Edward? What are you sorry for this time?"

"For everything!" Burst from his lips as he tore at his hair and paced. "For fucking things up with you, so many times, and for so long. For not being the man you needed me to be. For hurting you over and over and over…" He ticked off all the things he could think of that he had to apologize for… using generalities, because the specific incidents were just too numerous to list.

…_What else should I be? All apologies…_

My Edward-repelling force field must have still been intact because I scoffed internally. _How predictable. _It was like he had a sixth sense. He just seemed to know when I had reached my limit and then he would try to salvage things, but I couldn't let him get away with it this time; I really was done. _At least, I was trying to be. _If I was going to say strong, I needed to shut him up. "Yeah, over and over and over… for two Goddamn years, Edward."

He actually had the audacity to look at me with his eyebrows raised in confusion. _You have to be fucking kidding me with this shit. _I raised my own eyebrow… _or eyebrows, rather…_ back at him

"Tan-ya," I said as coldly as I could manage, biting off each syllable and looking him straight in the eyes.

~//~

I always knew he was a good actor, but his performance at that moment was Oscar worthy.

Tearing his eyes from mine to look at the ground, he seemed to collapse in on himself. His chin was practically on his chest, barely allowing me to make out the bob of his Adams apple as he gulped, confirming that what Emmett had let slip the night before was the truth. He rushed over to me and took both of my hands into his. He rubbed them between his, but the frantic pace of his caresses did little to soothe. I jerked my hands free and walked several feet away from him. With the much-needed distance between us, I glared and gestured for him to speak.

"I don't even know how to explain. I know nothing I can say… it's just… there was Alice and everyone… I'm not… I don't… fuck!" As he spoke, he crept towards me so slowly that I barely noticed his approach.

"For five fucking years, Bella, I have tried to fight this…" he gestured between the two of us, "I've tried so hard… and that's why… she wasn't you... and I thought…"

Both of my hands were fisted in my hair… _wonder where I got that habit from…_ tugging at it in frustration. _Was I supposed to understand any of the gibberish that had just come out of his mouth? _

He was suddenly inches away from me, one arm wrapped itself around my waist, his hand resting on my lower back. His unexpected nearness caused my body to start rebelling against the orders that were coming from my brain. His eyes caught mine, and all the focus that I had been putting into staying mad at him slipped. He used my momentary lapse to his advantage to pull me closer still.

His long fingers on the small of my back… _fingers that I was intimately acquainted with and knew could give me indescribable pleasure_… splayed, his pinky dipping down, dangerously low, the tip of it just barely brushing the swell of my ass. I was torn. I wanted to recoil from his touch and run far away from him. At the same time, I wanted nothing more than to climb his body like it was my very own jungle gym and hopefully bring those fingers into full contact with my ass.

My diametrically-opposed desires were battling it out like they were at the O.K. Corral and the theme song from _The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly_ played...

…_waa-aa-ah, wah-wah-wah, waa-aa-ah, wah-wah-waaah…_

Back-to-back, six-shooters sheathed on their hips and hands at the ready, palms itching and fingers twitching, they began to count off thirty paces. Not even I could predict which way the fight would go, as I was no longer actively in control of either part of me—the pro-Edward side, or the con. All I could do was join the two old guys sitting up in that balcony in my head and provide color commentary as it all unfolded.

It was gonna be a close one.

~//~

I brought my hands to his chest and pushed against him, still needing distance. I just couldn't think when he was close like that, when I couldn't breathe my own air; air that wasn't infused with his scent.

Truthfully, it would be easier for me to maintain my objectivity… _yeah, I think we had already ruled out me having any objectivity when it came to him… _if he wasn't touching me, but there was little chance of that happening. I didn't think he would release me. Fine, we could do it his way, but only because after this discussion I was walking away from this whole arrangement. I couldn't do it anymore. It had been going on for too long, and quite frankly, I was getting too old for his shit.

My girlfriends were planning… _or would start any day now_… their weddings, and I was still secretly fucking a guy who lied to me. I'm not saying I wanted to get married, I really didn't know that I ever wanted to get married, but it would be nice to be in a committed, monogamous relationship and be able to let people know about it. That was never going to happen with him, so I was done.

…_you gotta, know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run…_

My decision was made, I just had to keep reminding myself of that and stick to my guns. If this was going to be the last time I got to touch him, that he got to touch me, then I wasn't going to be the one to break the contact. I quit struggling and relaxed into his arms, allowing myself to enjoy his warm solidness against me. We were locked in a staring contest and I would have laughed at the absurdity of it if the atmosphere hadn't felt so charged.

__His vivid green eyes were intense and filled with so much passion and ferocity as they gazed into mine that I wanted to run. I couldn't though, I was paralyzed, mesmerized, hypnotized by the power in his eyes. Suddenly, he was looking through me, concentrating on something. His lips twitched several times as he muttered to himself, and then his mouth opened… but nothing came out and he closed it part way.

He attempted to speak again, but thought better of it and instead, shut his mouth and shook his head absently. He had two or three more of these false starts before he finally got it together and began to hesitantly speak. His eyes darkened several shades.

"Isabella," he said out of nowhere. I tried to gear myself up to really listen to him, but had some difficulty drowning out the racket coming from my lower quarters. _Ooooh! I like it when he says Isabella, _Shorty shouted, and then continued to ramble for who knows how long. Eventually I regained some control and managed to pull my head out of my capris just in time to hear Edward continue.

"Isabella, I need you to know that I-I lo…" No!

…_once my lover, now my friend…_

_No, no, no, no! _

_...what a cruel thing to pretend…_

Despite being wrong too many times to count, I had no doubts this time. I knew exactly what he was going to say. It was just too visible in his eyes, on his face… the very air was heavy with his intent. _Five years! _I thought about all of the times I had thought he would say those words over the last five years, only to be proven wrong, disappointed time and again, and I grew angry. _Now? He wants to say it now?_ For five fucking years I waited to hear him confess his love to me, and he chooses today of all fucking days. _Is it like 'Gaydar'? Does he have 'Bella is getting ready to cut her losses and walk away'-dar? _

…_what a cunning way to condescend…_

I couldn't hear this. _Not now. _

So, I slapped him.

Using his chest as a springboard, I pushed myself backwards and out of his arms. Once I had put some distance between the two of us, I stared at him. My breath was heavy and I was feeling as if I was about to have an anxiety attack.

"What the hell was that for?" Edward shouted at me, gingerly rubbing his cheek with one hand and glaring at me.

"You don't get to say that to me, Edward. Not now! Not after lying to me for two fucking years. I waited so long to hear you say those words to me. Did you think saying them now would make me forget about all of that? Well, it won't!

"I. Am. Done. Through. Finished. I can't do this any longer. I need something real, but more than that, I _deserve_ something real and we both know I can't get that from you." My big speech was a bit like spring—it had come in like a lion, with me screaming at him through angry tears, and gone out like a lamb, my voice barely a whisper, punctuated by hiccoughing, uncontrollable gasps.

_It was done. _

_We were done?_

~//~

Why was I so distraught? This was what I wanted.

It was over. I had ended it with him, and was either giddy or delirious… _I wouldn't allow myself to believe that I was upset about it; this was what I wanted…_ it was impossible to tell for sure. I turned tail and started for the trail that would take me back to the house. I didn't get more than five steps before I was spun around.

…_oh, you creep up, like the clouds…  
_

A hand along my lower back caused my chest to slam into his, and then he was stealing my breath from me with a fiery kiss, aggressively trying to elicit a response from me, but I refused to play. Never one to take no for an answer, especially where I was concerned, he continued to move his mouth against mine until his lips finally goaded a response from mine.

…_then you let your love abound…_

No longer passive, I grabbed two handfuls of his hair and took control of the kiss… _I was Captain of this ship._ If he wanted this, it would have to be done on my terms, because he had been in charge of our extended liaison with one another, and I was through letting him dictate everything. This was now a monarchy and I would rule over our finale. In the back of my mind, a warning light was flashing… _this was our meadow, neutral territory, there was no kissing in our meadow_… but it went unheeded.

In a moment of self-serving rationalization, I decided that if I had ended our arrangement, all of our other agreements--acknowledged or not, including the meadow's DMZ status--were also void. I wanted goodbye sex, one last memory of us…_ we never had any conflict once our clothes were off, and I doubted that I would ever have sex this good again…_ and here was as good a place as any for our final tệte-a-tệte. Game on.

Scratching, scraping, clawing, and pulling at one another, the kiss evolved into something more as we hauled each other as close as possible. We were frantic, grasping at the tattered remains of us and the evanescent whispers of what could have been.

Clothes were tugged down and up and over and then tossed to the ground, buttons were half torn off as they were ripped through holes carelessly, hands gripped and grasped, teeth nipped and tongues laved the newly exposed skin. It was an orgy of the senses, a Dionysian partaking in a carnal buffet of fleshly pleasure, and it was all so much, it was too much, a surfeit… it was everything.

My attraction to him was ineluctable, but that didn't mean I was going to make this easy on him. I raised my arm and brought my hand to his face, slapping him again, hard enough to leave my palm tingling as blood flooded the capillaries and rose to the surface, leaving my palm as red as his cheek.

Edward's hand made stinging contact with my bare ass and then dug into my flesh, squeezing, gripping, molding, as he drew me closer until I was so tightly pressed to his body that not an atom of air lay between us. My hands flew to his hair, fingers twining with his wild strands, pulling his mouth back to mine.

Just before my lips crashed into his, he snapped, "Goddamn it, Bella! Stop hitting!" His fingers dug further into my ass cheek, clenching the flesh almost painfully like he was trying to force the reminder of his warning through the pores of my skin so that I didn't forget.

…_and you bring me to my knees…_

We fell to our knees on the ground and haphazardly made a bed of sorts from our discarded clothes. Kissing, hands still groping, Edward pressed me back towards the ground until he hovered over my reclining body, his knees between my parted thighs and his arms a cage around me. I could feel the spongy moss and coarse blades of grass beneath my palms as I leaned back on my hands, holding my shoulders off the ground in order to keep my lips pressed to his.

His arm slipped behind me, his forearm supporting me as he gently lowered me to the ground, and I threw my arms up, winding them around his neck. I bit his bottom lip and wove my hands back into his hair, using my grip like reins to angle his head this way or that, providing me with better access to his skin. I bit and licked down his jaw to the pillar of his throat, working my down and back up.

He was pliable to the demands of my hands as I tilted and pushed and pulled at him in my attempt to map every inch of skin I could reach from my submissive position below him. Always moving, I only paused briefly to roughly nip at his Adam's apple. He groaned loudly when I swept my tongue across the area that I had just abused. Suddenly, his hand was in my hair, yanking my head back to expose the delicate skin of my throat to his lips and teeth. He mimicked what I had just done to him, retracing the path I had taken, while I panted and whimpered beneath him.

…_oh, it's evil, babe…_

I couldn't wait… needed him inside me… now. I wrapped my legs around him, angled my hips just so, and then locked my ankles and tightened my legs, pulling his hips to mine until I drew him inside me. More than ready for him, he slipped in easily. _So full! _I gasped and sobbed his name… _Edward, so good_… as he bottomed out. Fully sheathed, I felt every sinewy muscle up and down the lean, but well-developed, length of his body go rigid…but he didn't move. _What the fuck?_

I wiggled my hips, letting him know I was ready, but he just closed his eyes and shook his head at me, pressing his hips more firmly into mine, stilling me.

What was he doing? It wasn't enough that I was fucking him against my better judgment, he wanted me to beg for it as well._ Well, that was most definitely not happening. _

I bit my lip and looked up at him from under my eyelashes, coquettishly, hoping he would open his eyes… _I know what drove him crazy…_ but he didn't. More than a minute passed without him moving and I was a mess, nearly crazy-frustrated by his lack of movement. At one minute, one second, I couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't think I had ever been this aroused in my entire life. I could feel the wetness of it seeping out from around him where we were joined and I blushed as I realized my body was giving away just exactly how much I wanted him.

He throbbed inside me and little shudders shook his shoulders every so often, providing just enough stimulus to remind me of what I was missing, but did nothing to ease the ache growing inside me. Still uncertain as to what he wanted from me or what the hell he was doing, I said fuck it… I obviously had no pride when it came to him. I would beg if it meant he would finally fucking fuck me. I needed him too Goddamn badly to give a shit about being sucked into playing his stupid, little mind games.

"Edward, please!" I half whined, half moaned, and shimmied my hips underneath him. More movement would have been preferable, but that was all the movement I could accomplish with his hips still pinning mine to the ground. "Please…"

_...the way you let your grace enrapture me…_

His eyes opened, revealing red-rimmed, watery-looking orbs that stared back at me leaving me stunned, stumped, unsure of what to think. His jaw flexed and he moved… _oh, thank fuck!_ He withdrew, retreating almost all the way until he nearly slipped out. Worrying that he would pull out, leaving me needy, wanting, high and dry, I held my breath until he plunged back in. He set a measured and excruciatingly slow pace--both in and out--but he put force into the snap of his hips against me, causing me to cry out each time he filled me.

His eyes never left mine as he continued his strong, leisurely thrusts, and for the first time in five years, he didn't hide from me. I saw every little flash and flicker of emotion that moved through them, and… my resolve faltered. I began to rethink my plan to end things, but I quickly put the kibosh on that fuckstupid thought…_ I had come too far and was too hurt by him to puss out now._ I concentrated on the sensations coursing through me, the pressure that was building inside me already.

…_when will you know I'd be insane…_

Pushing aside what this really was… _goodbye_… and how much more it would hurt when it was over and I walked away, I adjusted a dial in my mind, narrowing my metaphorical field of vision until it was focused, sharply and exclusively, on the physical.

The ever-present electricity was there, only it was something… _more._ It was a living thing, crackling and pulsing in the air around us, making it difficult to breathe. It felt as if we were in the center of a great building of energy, like a laser collecting power before its force was unleashed. Except for the occasional whimper or moan, it was nearly silent between us; so silent you could almost hear the sizzle as we climbed towards the peak.

The tempo and the force of his thrusts became almost brutal as they gradually increased. _It felt like I was being fucked by a battering ram_. I knew I would be sore when we were done, but I would gladly welcome the slight discomfort—it would be proof of this moment. The only thing I dreaded was that the soreness would fade after a couple of days and eventually, be gone altogether, taking with it the realness of the moment and the only physical reminder of us.

Once that was gone, I would only have left the memories of us, of our goodbye. _If goodbye is what this really is… and it is. _With nothing left helping me remember, what would stop them from becoming whispers, dreams.

_Later_, I would deal with that later. I adjusted the dial once again because, for now, I was just going to enjoy this.

…_to ever let that dirty game recapture me…_

His torso lifted away from mine as he sat back on his knees, leaving me chilled despite the rare heat of the afternoon. My breasts mourned the slick friction of his chest against them. It wasn't missed for long though, because it was quickly replaced with something much better when he lifted my legs up to his shoulders. _Oh… God… Fuck! _His grip on my hips allowed him to thrust into me harder, and the change of angle had him stroking my g-spot with each pass, bringing me… oh, so much closer to the release that I craved.

But no, he wasn't having that.

Recognizing the change in my breathing and the glazed look in my eyes, he slowed way down, sending me crashing to the ground… and not in the good way. A sadist, he randomly altered the force of his thrusts, keeping me hovering right on the brink, poised at the edge of the abyss just waiting to tumble over the edge. Again and again, he brought me there, but every time the wave began to crest, he slowed down or changed the rhythm, throwing me off.

I was quickly turning into a frantic and frustrated mess on the verge of crying or possibly exploding... _and not from pleasure, trust._ I couldn't take any more. This isn't the way I had envisioned this playing out. Why the hell was I letting him control this? More importantly, how did he wrest control from me in the first place?

…_you made me a shadow boxer, baby…  
_

This was supposed to be on my terms, and at that moment, I was more determined than ever that it was going to be.

I pulled my legs from his shoulders and pushed myself up with one arm. As I sat up, I placed my other hand against his shoulder and forcefully shoved him over onto his back. Just as I wanted, he took me with him so that I was now on top, right where I wanted to be, and I allowed myself a small smile over my even smaller victory.

I was under no misconception that I actually pushed him over, though. _He was bigger than me, and I wasn't exactly in possession of super-strength, after all._ I knew that, had he not wanted it, I would never have been able to force him to roll over… _good dog_. Nevertheless, I internally gloated over being able to overthrow his attempted coup and resume command of the situation.

…_I wanna be ready for what you do…_

Sitting astride him, I was in complete control of both my pleasure and his. My first instinct was to get my rocks off, to hell with him… but then the devious girl side of me that usually stayed hidden came to the surface. I wanted him to want me, to long for me, and then I wanted to bring him so much pleasure that he would never want another woman besides me. Afterwards, when no other woman could satisfy him, he would realize just what he gave up when he lost me. Well, that's how I saw it playing out in my head, but in all likelihood, that wasn't the way it would actually work.

…_I've been swinging all around me…_

He had made it abundantly clear that he didn't need me or want me the way I did him; I was just there to scratch his itch when he needed relief. Still, the desire for things to work out in my favor for once, burned strong in me.

…_'cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move…_

I couldn't help wanting to bring him to his knees, begging me to take him back. I desperately wanted him to fight for me, to refuse to let me go, to earn everything that he had taken advantage of, taken for granted for five years. I wanted to wield the power for once in this… _I could hardly call it a relationship…_ arrangement, of ours, and then, when I did, I would make him suffer by not letting him have me.

At the very least… _and how sad was it that the most I could expect to get was the least he could give, aside from nothing…_ I wanted him to regret the way it ended, maybe even feel sorry for hurting me so badly and so many times.

I was angry and hurt and broken… and I blamed it all on him. In reality, I knew that I was just as much to blame… perhaps more, when it came down to it. Not about the whole Tanya thing—no, that betrayal was all him—but it would never have happened if I hadn't been so determined to have him that I was willing to settle for whatever tiny, little part of him I could have.

To give him some credit, until the Whore-Whose-Name-Does-Not-Deserve-To-Be-Uttered came along, he had never lied to me. Not once. I couldn't say the same.

I had lied to him from the beginning. I knew what he was capable of from the start and I still chose this path. Not only did I choose it, I assured him that I wanted nothing more than he did, that I was okay with it just being sex. Analyzing my actions and the situation I found myself in—the situation that I created, really—the thread of my thoughts coiled, twisted in my mind, unraveling and separating into individual filaments.

My love-making… _for lack of a better term…_ mirrored the mercurial thoughts swirling through my brain. I began a slow grind, rolling my hips, careful to always keep my clit pressed to him, guaranteeing my pleasure while allowing me to tease him… _I was only too glad to return the favor. _I bit back the bitter laughter that wanted to roil out of me upon seeing the look of frustration that took over his features.

Frustrated or not, determination to outlast my torture shone back from the depths of his eyes. _He was always one for a challenge. _The hint of a smirk tugged at his lips… _his perfect fucking lips…_ and he didn't need to say the words out loud as they were transmitted through the waves of satisfaction emitting from him. I could tell the exact moment that his cockiness… _but not his cock, thank fuck…_ fled him and the strain started to break through his unaffected facade. His eyebrows knitted together, his forehead scrunched and his jaw clenched and unclenched repeatedly with the grinding of his teeth.

Resistance was futile, though, and it wasn't long before I broke him. His body paid little heed to the usually-iron will wielded by his regimented mind. Disobeying direct orders, demanding more, his hips lifted of their own accord, seeking what he needed, much to his chagrin. _Tut, tut, tut. _Sitting heavily, hips locked, I arched my back and leaned backwards, balancing myself with my hands on his thighs. Both my grip and my eyes told him to be still, that I was not going to relinquish my post. I expected defiance, but was shocked when his shoulders drooped and his eyes dulled with the milky miasma of defeat.

He closed his eyes, missing the smirk that replaced the grim line my lips had been set in, and I didn't even consider trying to hide it. _I won._ His eyes opened, and my smirk fled. I experienced just a moment of panic that I may have prematurely celebrated my victory, but was relieved to find only acceptance in the eyes that stared back at me. _That's right, Edward—me, my swamp._ The corners of my lips turned up into a gentle smile, making me look like the cat that ate the canary. I closed my own eyes and let my head fall back.

My thoughts still winding and changing, so did our sex, my now-opened eyes returned to his. My body embowed even more, as I used my hands that were braced on his thighs to help me work myself up and down his length, creating delicious friction for both of us… _he was going to remember this—fondly—if I had anything to say about it._

…_oh, your gaze is dangerous…_

Edward's eyes finally left mine, darting down to watch the slip and slide of my sex over his. His eyes rolled back into his head and he let out a strangled, choked groan as he watched me take him inside. His eyes opened wide again, and he stole one more brief glance at our joining, his eyes blazing with an intensity that I had never seen, before they worked their way up my body, leaving a heated trail as they scorched over me.

…_and you fill your space so sweet… _

_Holy mother of… fuck!_ I had never been so ridiculously turned on, yet so far from finishing. As his gaze crested the peaks of my breasts, it felt as if he was actually caressing me, his stare palpable, and I tossed my head back, a long, wanton moan falling from my lips. With that, something primal came alive inside Edward. He sat up abruptly, pulling my legs out from underneath me to wrap around him and encircling me with his arms. Our mouths came together, tongues tangling and twisting and tasting.

…_if I let you get too close, you'll set your spell on me…_

I tried to break the kiss, feeling like he was once again wresting control from me and wanting it back, but he wouldn't relent. One hand moved up my back, his long fingers wrapping around my shoulder, one… by… one, anchoring me to him as he moved inside me with short, sharp thrusts that took my breath away. His other hand braided itself into my hair, keeping my face pressed to his.

…_so darlin' I just wanna say, just in case I don't come through…_

I clenched my lips together, refusing him the admittance he sought. I needed to maintain control of this, but he ignored me, licking and biting my lips, driving me so crazy that I forced _my_ tongue into _his_ mouth. Saving face… _if only in my mind…_ I convinced myself that it was my decision to kiss him_. _

…_I was on to every play, I just wanted you…_

My debate was forgotten as suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, we were flooded with the plethora of emotion that had been hovering at the edges, barely flavoring the carnality that we were engaging in. Frantic desperation, acute neediness, and stifling desolation now saturated the act, taking it over until we were no longer fucking, yet I wouldn't say we were making love either; I didn't know what to call it. We were connected at that moment body and soul, and it was nearly unbearable, but we couldn't escape it.

Time ceased to exist and the world outside of the meadow—outside of us—was forgotten. All of our problems no longer mattered; they could be dealt with later. For now, nothing was more important than being fully in the moment. Unable to remember any of the journey aside from his eyes and his face, so not knowing how I got there, I found myself looking down from heights I had never known, mid-stride and about to go over the edge. My eyes widened in surprise that I was there already and one glance at Edward's face told me that I wasn't alone.

I wasn't ready for this to be over yet, not at all, but I was going to savor it as much as I could. Expectant, we were standing on the edge of something that seemed bigger than simple pleasure or sex. Epic. It was like we had been building to this pinnacle, as if this was the defining moment of our lives and what happened next would change our path forever. We would either sink, accepting whatever it was between us, or we would swim, fleeing from the intensity of our connection.

Eyes and lips locked, breath coming in shallow rasps, my entire body quivering and my skin prickled with little bolts of electricity, I was poised at the edge. He bit down on my bottom lip and…

_Oh! Fuck!_

With a bright flash of blinding, white light, I was soaring, spinning, careening, and tumbling headlong out into the ether as my orgasm exploded violently from within, pulsing through my body in strong, but slowly fading waves. In the back of my mind I was aware of Edward falling with me and coming inside me, and then together we floated in nirvana before drifting through nothingness on our way back down to our bodies.

We remained silent throughout our release, panting softly against the other's lips while maintaining our gaze. I made damn sure to commit to memory the sight of him lost in the throes of passion. _Way to sound like a bad romance novel, B._ I rolled my eyes at myself, but refused to rephrase or apologize for my purple prose. _I meant that shit because there was no other way to describe it._ Seriously! Seeing Edward come apart because of me, was definitely the most beautiful, erotic, and sexiest thing I have ever seen or probably will ever see… _unless, maybe there were more than one Edward_.

I was grateful that I even had the opportunity to memorize his sex face. Normally I couldn't manage, or really even be bothered, to keep my eyes open when I climaxed, so whenever Edward and I finished at the same time, I missed out on seeing him. If this would be the last time for us, I wanted the memory to carry with me.

I don't know how long we stayed there like that—coated in a fine sheen of sweat and all wrapped up in one another—but I know that it was long enough that the roar of my blood in my ears, the stentorian pounding of my heart, and the din of our heaving, heavy gasps had faded. At some point while we sat there, lost in our post-coital daze, Edward moved the hand that had been fisted in my hair, bringing it to rest directly above my heart.

…_so I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love, to save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn…_

I was completely oblivious of it until two of his long fingers began tap, tap, tapping on my naked chest in time with my heart. _Dub, dub… dub, dub… dub, dub…_

"Do you feel that, Bella?" He looked up at me from underneath a shock of unruly hair that had fallen into his face.

As natural and unthinking as breathing was for most people, I pulled one of my hands out from the depths of the hair at the back of his head where I had buried them, and brushed the slightly damp, wayward lock out of his face, caressing his brow as I did. My hand remained there, inert, except for the thumb gently rubbing his temple. The depth of emotion apparent on his face and in his longing, penetrating stare was unnerving.

"Do you feel the way our heats beat in time together?" I was too stunned to even shake my head no, because I didn't, and either way it didn't matter. Edward's other hand had already disappeared from my shoulder and was gently pulling my hand from his brow. Mirroring the placement of his hand on me, he brought our entwined fingers to sit over his own heart and, with the pads of my fingers against the warmth of his bare skin, began to demonstrate the rhythm with pulsing fingers. _Dub, dub… dub, dub… love you… love you…_

"…_love you… love you… _love you... that's what my heart is saying to you, Bella, and what I'm hoping yours is saying back." Unable to move, unable to react, I just sat. "I love you, am _in love_ with you…"

_Thwack!_

Thawed, my hand struck him again.

Edward's arms suddenly wrapped around me, banding mine to my sides. "Isa-bell-a," he huffed out through clenched teeth. "I said no hitting. Now what the fuck was that for?"

It wasn't until I tried to speak, the words erupting from me as a sob, that I was aware that I was crying and had been crying for some time.

"You don't get to say that to me, Edward! Not now! Not when you've been lying to me for two years and fucking that sororistute whore behind my back. Did you have the same kind of arrangement with her that you did with me? Were we the only ones, or were their others that you had similar agreements with? I'm only asking because I want to know just exactly how big a fool I've been."

Naked and astride him still, while crying and screaming at him through the tears, I should have been mortified, but I was so far beyond caring that I didn't even blush. Edward looked as if he were about to speak, but I wasn't nearly finished. I had five years of dealing with his bullshit built up. Although, in all honesty, that took a backseat to the Tanya fuckery that had been hoisted and foisted upon me the night before by his Baby Hughie of a brother.

"You know what the worst thing is, what hurts the most? Up until two months ago when you went all caveman-possessive on _ME,_ your fuckbuddy, interrupting my date—which I was forced to go on, by the way—in order to drag me off to fuck me in a bar bathroom like you were marking your territory… up until then, I considered… I thought you were my friend. So not only am I losing—" I caught myself just before I slipped up and told him how I really felt about him, "—our arrangement, I also lost one of my best friends."

I couldn't talk for a moment. The heartache of my loss was too much. I sobbed uncontrollably, temporarily succumbing to my sorrow… and then I became spiteful.

"Tell me you're not deluded enough to actually think that she was faithful to you, Eddie. I know for a fact that she wasn't. She was blowing at least two other members of your study group, just F.Y.I. Those were just the guys I caught her with that I recognized…"

"Seems she has no problem being bent over a sink or kneeling on the floor in a bar bathroom." I laughed, causing my stomach to clench, and I felt him inside me still… _bareback,_ just like always.

_Fuck! _For the first time ever I realized my mistake and honestly, you would think that I would have thought about this at least once at some point over the last five years, but no. I had never fucked anyone, aside from Whoreward, without using protection. Why would I not only not use any with him, but not even think about it? _We had always been too focused, impatient, to remember a condom. _

Thank god for birth control, but birth control wouldn't protect me from anything he got from that stupid slut… or any of the others he had been with. _Fuck me up the ass with no lube! _Yeah, that would be just as stupid as what I had done. What was I thinking?I seriously fucked the biggest man-whore in the known world without protection. Sure I hadn't gotten anything that I knew of and got tested every six months, but it had been… six months since I was tested, I could have something now.

"We didn't use protection, you fucking bastard! We have _never_ used protection. How dare you stick it in that bitch and then not even have the decency to at least use protection with me. Great! I probably have fucking Herpes or Chlamydia…"

Apparently that was the limit of abuse and insult he would suffer coming from me in my fit of rage. _Really, it was a bit more than I thought he would tolerate._

"Shut up, Isabella," he snapped, his tone such that I instantly complied. _Oh, I had gone and done it now. Way to fucking go, idiot._

He had a dark look in his eyes, similar to when he frightened me earlier only more intense, but I couldn't bring myself to look away. Combined with my frazzled emotions, and I was actually trembling from the murderous look in his nearly jet eyes.

"Only you." _Only me, what?_ "You are the only one I have fucked without protection since I was sixteen years old."

_Only me? _

Only me.

_Really? I was really going to feel like it meant something that I was the only person he fucked without a rubber? _ Well,I had high fucking standards. I snorted… _out loud… _eliciting an odd look from Edward, but I ignored it and him. _But then he had to go open his stupid fucking mouth again._

"I meant it… mean it, when I say that I love you…"

I snorted again, unable to express my disbelief any other way and lacking the means to slap him again since my arms were still trapped… but, being an English major, it wasn't long before words came to me and I was able to lash out at him again. _My vitriol really knew no bounds. _"Fucking some slut and lying to me about it… ha! Funny way of showing it."

"Fuck! I don't want to feel this way about you."

_Flattering. _I like you, but it pisses me off that I do._ Dick._ "Gee, thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel special." He glared at me.

"Goddamn it, Bella! I didn't mean it that way. I can't be in a relationship. I'm no fucking good for you. My own blood, my other half, warned you against me from the beginning.

"I tried to fend you off, to keep you away from me… and I tried to stay away from you too, but when that failed… I convinced myself that I could get you out of my system or at least keep you at arm's length. I tried… I failed… that's why… her… but it didn't work. No matter how opposite from you Tan…"

"Don't you dare say her fucking name to me." I leveled him with a glare and if it was possible, he looked even more miserable than he did when he started his confession.

I shut down the part of me that wanted to comfort him because he deserved to be miserable. Whatever pain he was in at that moment wasn't one tenth of what I had experienced since meeting him. I had no pity left—it had all washed away with the tears he had caused.

He nodded and mumbled a quiet apology, which I ignored. Acknowledging it would cause me to fly off the handle, losing the last little bit of control I had over myself and any sense of decorum I was trying to maintain. I had little pride when it came to him, but I wasn't going to debase myself any more than I had to… _than I already had_. I wanted to come out of this with at least a shred of self-respect left.

"She couldn't make me forget you… and she definitely couldn't replace you, Isabella… no one ever could… no one can. It's over with her though. I can't… I just… I want you and I don't give a fuck what anyone says. I told you once that I couldn't stay away from you, and no matter what you think, it's always been true… always."

He had a desperate, frenzied look in his eyes as he stared up at me that left me more torn than ever. Once again, the dichotomous compulsions of wanting to comfort him and wanting to watch him suffer… _maybe even twist the knife a little deeper and then pour salt on his wound_… warred inside me. Just as I felt my resolve slipping, it was fortified by the ire I felt with myself simply for allowing his words to hold any sway over me at all.

_Grrrrr! _This was just like him. _So fucking typical. _Exactly what he always did—he doesn't want me until someone else does.

Every time I think it's over with us and that he has moved on—every time I try to as well—he wants me back, has to have me. He's a good actor, but despite what his eyes seem to be saying, I know that this time is no different than all the others. He is just greedy and selfish and doesn't like the idea of no longer having his toy to play with; I know that… _but my heart wants to believe him._ I needed to think, needed to figure things out, but I couldn't do it here. I needed some distance back, to get out of here and away from him. Plus, my father was expecting me. I had to go.

I had never been so grateful to Charlie as I was for the excuse to leave that he was unwittingly giving me… even if it was an out of the fire and into the frying pan. It just so happened that I was more willing to be cooked slowly, being interrogated by my father about Jacob Black, than to be burned alive in Edward's flames. And once my father was through with his shakedown, I should have plenty of time to think about the bullshit Edward had just dumped on me while Charlie watched whatever game or highlights show happened to be on television.

I didn't have any obligations until 6:00 pm, when I had to be back for dinner with the gang. I had no clue what time it was, but it didn't matter in the long run. No amount of time would ever be enough to solve the conundrum that I found myself in, so I would take whatever time I could get and hope that just maybe it would provide me with enough perspective to come to some kind of definitive conclusion.

I had been half-heartedly struggling against his hold since he had wrapped his arms around me, but as the confusion and indecisiveness set in I started to feel smothered and began to truly fight to free myself. Now, with my decision made, I put even more effort into getting away from him.

"Goddamn it! Let me go, Edward! Now! Please let me go," I implored, tears falling down my face to _drip, drop, plunk,_ onto his chest in a virtual downpour, a lachrymose rainstorm.

I gave another good jerk and finally tore myself free of his arms, tumbling to the ground beside him. I scrambled to my knees and turned towards him. Watching him warily, I snatched up my clothing from behind him where they had comprised the top half of our 'bed'. Once I had gathered my shoes and enough of my clothing to be decent…_ who knows where my panties ended up_… I got up, and on shaky legs, began to dress myself. I kept distance between us and my eyes on him the entire time.

"I have to go. Charlie's waiting—," he looked as if he was about to get up, and I couldn't let that happen, "—don't follow me, Edward. Just let me go… and I'll… I'll see you when I get back."

He settled back to the ground, and stared at me, all big, round, Granny Smith apple eyes, watching me clumsily put on my shoes. I had never seen his eyes that color before, and I'm not sure what it meant, but I thought I saw fear and worry in them, and my weak heart softened a bit more.

As I turned to walk away, he looked down and then quickly back to me and simply said, "Please…"

It was hardly more than a weak whimper, a shadow of a whisper, and my tears that had started to dry up, came harder while my stomach clenched and my heart thundered in my ears. All the times I thought he had broken my heart… I was wrong. With a barely-there, whispered plea, my heart broke into a thousand pieces that all the king's horses, and all the king's men…

My steps faltered and I called up the last ounce of strength left inside of me. I pulled my eyes away from his, looking at the ground instead, and wrapping myself in my shabby, threadbare resolve, I somehow took another step away from him, saying "I have to go."

I heard him collapse back to the ground as I turned and ran out of the meadow, leaving the remains of my heart behind me. I stumble-ran back towards the house, my unchecked tears making me blinder than I had been during my nearly pitch-black journey down the same path the night before. Somehow I managed to make it all the way back without falling or hearing Edward behind me in pursuit. _So far, so good. _ I prayed that no one would be home, but the little bit… _very little bit…_ of luck I had, had just been spent on getting out of the meadow without any more drama.

I ran across the yard and as I approached the house, I glanced down, noticing my appearance. I saw exactly how awful I really looked when I saw my reflection in the French doors as I stepped up onto the porch and I cringed. Eyes watery and red-rimmed, hair unkempt and full of leaves and bits of grass—I was a mess. It was more than apparent what I had been up to, but there was nothing I could do about it aside from hope that I could make it out of there without running into anyone. I really needed to get going. I could not be there when he returned.

I ran into the house like the hounds of hell were nipping at my heels, which, given the likelihood of Edward chasing after me—probably furious—made the description fairly apt. He didn't give up easily, and just because I hadn't heard him behind me, didn't mean he wasn't on his way. I was rather surprised that I had made it that far without being accosted, but wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. I was going to grab my keys from where I'd left them and then get the hell out of Dodge.

I was so intent on accomplishing my task, that I nearly trampled a startled Esme as she stepped into the dining room from the kitchen. _Oops! My bad. _I should have stopped, but I didn't. Instead, I hastily yelled 'sorry' over my shoulder, wincing at the shocked expression on her face. She was going to ask questions and I didn't want to answer them. I glanced back at her again to see her still gaping at me, and rethought my decision to not clean myself up a bit first. I knew I looked a bit worse for wear… _yeah, and the Pacific was a pond…_ but the look on Esme's face told me that I perhaps looked worse than I thought.

_Oooooo-kayyy. _I vacillated back and forth. On one hand, I should probably run upstairs and change before leaving, but on the other hand, I really needed to get gone while the gettin' was good… and before anything else could go wrong. I would just have to freshen up when I got to my father's. I was certain that there was something in my old bedroom that I could change into. At worst, at least I would be able to get the nest of hair on top of my head under control and wash away the trace of my tears. I looked back in front of me before I ran in to something, and said fuck it—decision made. I wasn't willing to risk having a confrontation in front of Edward's mother.

I spotted my keys on the table and, as I attempted to snatch them up on my way past, I knocked them to the floor, and proceeded to kick them underneath the table when I attempted to retrieve them. The silly table, new since I had visited last, was one of those deep, cabinet-type contraptions with a really low bottom, so I couldn't just kick the damn keys out. _Noooooooo, of course not._ I had to actually get down on my knees, reach underneath the table and search blindly for my errant keys.

Keeping in line with the way the rest of my day had been going, a spider… _probably the only fucking spider in the entire so-pristine-you-could-eat-off-of-the-fucking-floors house… _scrambled up my arm, and I freaked right the fuck out. Screeching and flailing my limbs about spastically, my head rammed painfully into the cabinet. Still concerned about where the fuck the spider had gone, but only partially, I covered the rapidly growing knot on my noggin with both hands and rocked back and forth, hissing until the pain finally began to relent. I gingerly patted the lump, checking for torn skin or blood, and was relieved to feel neither.

I sat there for a moment, just trying to pull myself together, when I spotted my keys just underneath the far edge of the table, against the wall. _Just my fucking luck. I wish I was dead. _Feeling like a real jackass, I crawled on my hands and knees over to the side where my keys were… _watching carefully for spiders, mind you…_ and snatched them up while muttering a string of curses under my breath. I heard a snort from behind me and felt the embarrassment over Esme witnessing my brilliant display of grace heat my cheeks.

Fighting off frustrated tears, I snuck a peak at her. I reminded myself not to take offense. _I was a walking disaster waiting to happen on the best of days… and this was not the best of days. _The shit was kinda funny, but I wasn't going to admit it.

~//~

Esme had both hands clasped over her mouth and a look of amused concern on her face. She looked as if she didn't know whether to laugh or be worried over the comedy of errors that was my life. I did the only thing I could do—I rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders at her before heaving myself to my feet with my errant keys in hand. Once I was safely standing upright, I turned towards her with a small smile to wave my goodbye and… _fuck… _my luck—if you could call it that—had run out.

Edward was making his way swiftly across the back yard. I must have stared at him for a bit too long, because I was still standing there and he was nearly to the door that I had left wide open. _Why hadn't I locked it, maybe even barricaded it using 2x4s and 16 penny nails?_ Um, because you can't nail shit to glass and you didn't have any 2x4s, not to mention you and hammers don't go together. _Good point, a moot point, but a good one nevertheless. _

Having noticed my gawking, Esme quickly turned to see what it was that had caught my attention and then just as quickly looked back to me. Realization slowly sunk in as her eyes bounced back and forth between the two of us once… twice… before settling on me, awareness written all over her features. I flushed out of sheer mortification. _She knew I had just fucked her son in the woods. Oh, God! _

Edward… _stupid, beautiful jackass who somehow managed to look even more ravishing after being thoroughly debauched on the forest floor_—appeared more put together than me, but there was no denying what had happened between us. My blush was short lived, however. Edward was crossing the porch and my blood ran cold, taking all my color with it.

I still had a chance of getting out of there before he could stop me, but I couldn't seem to tear my eyes from him. Still staring at him, I forced my feet to move. I made it to the front door and grabbed the doorknob right as he caught my eye and stepped inside the house.

Apparently the powers that be, or the universe… _ whomever…_ wanted us to really appreciate and remember every agonizing minute of the trainwreck about to happen, because at that exact moment, time slowed down.

Edward was through the dining room, just stepping into the hallway, and I was officially fucked; I had to go. Still looking over my shoulder, I finally ripped the front door open. About to step through it, my foot froze in mid-air when I saw the twin looks of horror that had suddenly appeared on both Edward's and Esme's faces. I wasn't sure what it was all about, but I was still primarily focused on getting away, so didn't bother to think about it or even really wonder what had caused it.

Uncomfortable, embarrassed and just needing to go, I dropped my eyes to the ground and resumed moving. Still looking at the ground, I faced forward and began to take my first step out the front door… only to be brought up short when I saw feet in front of me and realized I was about to slam into someone for the second time that day. _I had to stop using the front door of this place, clearly._

My eyes shot up, looking to see who it was that nearly had the misfortune of being taken out by me, but the person's face was eclipsed by the well-manicured fist that hung in the air directly in front of my face, poised to knock on the door.

Seeing that door was open, the hand dropped and I was face to face… with her.

~//~

**Songs Used  
**(In Order of Appearance):  
_Nowhere To Run by Martha and The Vandellas  
Just a Friend by Biz Markie  
All Apologies by Nirvana  
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers  
Shadowboxer by Fiona Apple_

1. DMZ stands for demilitarization zone

**A/N:** I'm gonna try to make this as quick as possible- I need to thank my amazing beta, Vannessarae, Redvelvetheaven for previewing, my fellow LoD girls, my ficwife, my long lost Siamese twin, Serendipitydooda, and the BBD thread girls. A special thanks to LASMKE for continually rec'ing BH. I adore you, and your stories. _Small Town Gossip_ is such a nice balance for the angstfest that BH has become, although I swear reading it makes it impossible to write 'cause it kills my emo.

The Fandom Gives Back was a huge success, earning over $80,000 for childhood cancer research. Thanks and congratulations go to Serendipitydooda who won first place, and to Pixiekat who won second place. I will have those O/S's to you girls asap.

For the rest of you, make sure to put me on author alert as I will have some oneshots posting in the near future.

As always, thanks for reading and reviewing. I am still in shock that anyone even likes this story and your reviews make my day. I suck at replying, but I blame it on stupidly stressing out over what to say. Please know that I read everyone and appreciate them so much.

**Rec's-**

_**Carravagio**_ by MeiMei42- One of the best fics I have read in a long time. Only six chapters in right now, but phenomenal coming of age/sexual awakening story that is totally believable and so easy to put yourself in Bella's shoes. This fic is gonna be fucking huge.

_**Innocence is Dripping Red**_ by Echoes of Twilight- O/S for now, but will be a multi-chapter fic. Written for/winner of the Darkward Vampfic challenge. Great fucking story_****_

Memory in Blood by Araeo- O/S for now, but will also be a multi-chap. Written for a different Darkward challenge and also seriously fucking good. I have seen some of what is to come and its gonna be interesting._****_

Stolen Singer by Nerac- my ficwife's new story. Take the birthday party from New Moon, make it happen prior to Bella meeting the Cullens, only with more tragic results and you've got SS. Only two chapters in right now.


	19. Chapter 16 Fuck and Run

**Disclaimer:** S. Meyer owns the characters and I certain plot points, I just own the manipulations.

**A/N: **This chapter would have never been finished without my amazing beta's Vanessarae and EchoesOfTwilight, or the LoD. Love you more than you could ever know. Thank you so much. OMGosh! I am adding this late, but I owe a huge thanks to RedVelvetHeaven as well. She had a sick bb, so she didn't get a chance to preread the whole chapter, but she prolly knows the outline of my story better than me. She read the first chunk of this chapter, and suggested ending it on the poignant note that it does, rather than include it early in the chapter as I had planned. Also, thnx to Serendipitydooda for being there for me from literally the start. I would not have the courage to do this if it wasn't for each of you. You listen to me ramble on about this fic and you are truly the wind beneath my wings...lame as that sounds.

It's done now so, I should let you get to enjoying it. Thanks for your patience. Please read A/N at the end for important info. Thnx!

* * *

**Chapter 16- Fuck and Run**

* * *

I woke up alone  
I didn't know where I was at first  
Just that I woke up in your arms…

Whatever happened to a boyfriend  
The kind of guy who tries to win you over…  
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and  
I want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend  
I want all that stupid old shit like letters and sodas…

…And almost immediately I felt sorry  
Cause I didn't think this would happen again  
No matter what I could do or say…  
With or without my best intentions

I can feel it in my bones  
I'm gonna spend my whole life alone  
Fuck and run, fuck and run  
Even when I was seventeen  
Fuck and run, fuck and run…

_ - Fuck and Run, _Liz Phair_  
_

~//~

Previously-

_My eyes shot up, looking to see who it was that nearly had the misfortune of being taken out by me, but the person's face was eclipsed by the well-manicured fist that hung in the air directly in front of my face, poised to knock on the door. _

_Seeing that the door was open, the hand dropped and I was face to face… with her. _

~//~

Shell-shocked and desperately trying not to break down, I was unsure if it would result in tears from the crippling hurt, or in lashing out with the consuming rage I felt bubbling to the surface. So instead, I stood there and stared incredulously at the person in front of me.

I hadn't thought I could feel any lower, but I was wrong—she made me feel like I was less than nothing. She didn't even really acknowledge me, but I could tell her shrewd eyes had thoroughly assessed and then immediately dismissed me. The stink of disdain rolled off her in waves, choking me. _I was a mess, but fuck! Was I really _that_ horrendous? Apparently so._ She looked through me toward Edward behind me, like I wasn't even there, and I found myself wanting to follow her gaze.

I had a sudden, nearly overwhelming desire to know if Edward was smiling over her sudden arrival, and I _really_ wanted to ask why they hadn't driven there together…_and why he had lied to me about things being 'over with her,' when they clearly weren't_...but I couldn't _look_ at him yet, much less speak to him.

Before I could give in to the impulse, he was spied with her little eye. Squealing, she shoved her bag at me—which I…_terrified...mortified...petrified...stupefied...by him…by her…by them_…reflexively grabbed—and pushed past me. _What was I, a fucking bellhop? _Her shoulder slammed into mine as she passed, turning me just enough, that I was able to witness her big reunion with Edward.

I felt sick.

She threw her hands in the air, launching herself at him while shrilly shouting, "Eddie! Baby, I've missed you!"

I was in shock. That's the only reasonable explanation for why I was still standing there with the whore's rather substantial duffle clutched to my chest, not leaving as I rightly should have. Snapping out of it, I snorted in disgust and then faced the front porch again trying to hide my sneer. I dropped her bag to the ground in front of me—intending to leave—but rather than walk out the door, my feet turned me the little bit needed to face them..._fuck!_ As painful as seeing Edward and his whore embrace, it was infinitely worse to see her raping his mouth while practically dry-humping him.

Vainly attempting to comprehend what he could possibly see in her, I forced myself to remain as detached and clinical as I possibly could while watching them. She had to stand on her toes to kiss him, but her height—probably 5'8"—suited his more than my diminutive five feet, four inches. It pained me—like real physical pain—to admit what a striking couple they made, but there was no denying that they complemented each other aesthetically…in a way that Edward and I would never. Everything about them matched, from their coloring to their perfect features. Even their movements – graceful and cat-like – were in harmony, whereas I was forever stumbling and having to be caught by the god-like man.

Recognizing that they were the superior pairing, I decided that I no longer liked looking at things objectively and went back to viewing them judgmentally.

She had one arm casually thrown over his shoulder, while the other wrapped around him with her hand buried in the hair at the nape of his neck. I wanted to break both limbs…and quite possibly her hands too. Mostly though, I wanted to break _his_ stupid arms because they were attached to his amazing, traitorous hands—the ones whose intimate caresses had less than an hour ago explored all the secrets of my body, and shown me that our hearts beat in time while with his words her professed his love for me. Those hands—soon-to-be doctor's hands that already knew how to heal me perfectly, pianist's hands that knew how to play me to a stunning crescendo—were now gripping the trim—but curvy–hips of the leggy, strawberry-blonde-Playboy-Bunny-whore, and I couldn't break them.

Still kissing her, his eyes locked with mine and, as broken and lost as they looked, I just couldn't find it in me to care, because _I_ was even more so. My lack of concern for him, not to mention the fact that I actually put my feelings before his, made me think I was turning a corner—it's just not one I ever wanted to turn. There was no joy or reason to celebrate; it felt more like a defeat than a victory.

His eyes were still on mine, but his lips still on hers, knocking me even further down and, for just a moment, I was overcome by déjà vu; it was as if the past had looped around, merging with the present. Fragmented memories of a high school party came unbidden to my mind. An awful night – long ago and best forgotten, but remembered for the way it led directly to this moment. Every cliché you've ever heard…they were all true. My knees grew weak, causing me to stagger nearly to the ground. It felt as if my breath had been knocked out of me and my heart—the few shattered pieces that he'd left behind—ripped from my chest.

The ragged breath that I managed to suck in sounded too loud to my ears, but no one noticed. They were all focused—either gawking at or participating in—the make-out session taking place in the middle of the hallway. The only thing that kept me from dissolving into a pool of tears was the boundless rage that swelled up inside of me so abruptly that my vision blurred and a low vibration began to thrum through my body. I knew that Edward Cullen was capable of lots of despicable things, but I couldn't believe he would do this…not to me.

Questions flooded my mind. What did he have to gain from lying to me about being with her? Was the occasional roll in the hay with me worth all the lies, all the heartache? Was he getting some kind of sick thrill out of stringing me along? How could he just drag me off into the woods, fuck me, and then tell me he loved me, knowing that he had invited her for the weekend? And then—because my emotions weren't out of control or all over the fucking place by any means—I got pissed about him inviting, not just her, but anyone…_okay, mostly her…_along for the weekend. It was supposed to be the six of us—the old gang—and he had invited an outsider…_who just so happened to be_ that _scandalous tramp_. What the fuck was he thinking?

I nearly laughed aloud over the fact that something so minor—in the face of his bigger betrayals—was getting me all worked up, except there was nothing funny about any of it. Guessing would get me nowhere, because no matter how many conspiracy theories I could come up with regarding why he was playing these twisted games with me, nothing short of him having been replaced by pod people made sense. I just couldn't equate _this _Edward with the one I knew. Sure, he had slept with other chicks—time-upon-time-upon-time—and, yeah, it hurt like hell, but it's not like he was cheating on me. We weren't a couple and, ultimately, until _her_, he never broke our agreement…_not really_.

Unless I actually caught him in the act—which happened too many times to count, honestly—he wouldn't say a word to me when he fucked someone else…but I always knew. It's not like he made an effort to hide it from me. If the walking around like he was ashamed of himself and refusing to look me in the eye hadn't given him away, the ceasing to try and get down my pants always did, but this time…nothing. He had somehow managed to hide it from me for two years. _Two motherfucking years!_

How long had my friends known about it? Were they all in on it? Was there some sort of 'mentioning it in front of Bella' embargo? I was furious…but I started to doubt whether or not I had a right to be. It's not like I had never fucked anyone else over the course of the last five years. I had even had a couple of short relationships but, unlike him, I always made sure he knew and ended things with us.

Sadness crushed me beneath its heavy weight. I had put on a big show back in the meadow but, if I was honest with myself, there was a part of me—a girly-Cinderella-happily-ever-after-rainbows-and-tiaras-and-ponies part—that wanted to believe him when he said he loved me…_that did believe him…maybe._ _Fuck!_ I had waited so long for those words, how could I not at least want to believe them?

A sudden epiphany forced me to admit to myself that I hadn't really believed we were over. The girly part of me – the part causing so much trouble at the moment – had expected him to chase me from the meadow. But, like I'd learned during my rebellious phase in Phoenix, there was no knight in shining armor and I wasn't Cinder-fucking-Bella. I was just a foolish little girl whose game-playing got her hurt. I couldn't believe my stupidity.

I hadn't been immune to his words like I had tried to convince myself—had wanted to believe. _The lady doth protest too much, methinks… _I had still been holding out hope, but that hope was shattered. I was shattered—not just my heart, but me. I was completely eviscerated. I had always known it would end in tears, but I never thought that I would walk away from this as the living dead.

…_blood on her skin, dripping with sin, do it again, living dead girl…_

The PBW—Playboy Bunny Whore—finally pulled her mouth away from his and, no longer administering her pornographic mouth-to-mouth, looped her arm through his and dragged him towards the dining room. Esme—who, aside from her face which alternated between choler and horror as she watched the show—had remained frozen like a marble statue in her perfection the entire time, and was suddenly pulled into an affectionate embrace by the painted parasite as if they were the dearest of friends or the closest of family. To add insult to injury, the feral bitch tossed me a smugly satisfied look as Esme's arms limply returned her hug.

Already questioning the loyalty of my friends, I started to doubt the woman who had been more of a mother to me in the past five years than Renee ever had, but the expression of contempt on Esme's face halted my doubt. Always the perfect hostess, Esme's mask of genteel civility was back in place by the time The Whore of UW Medical released her and draped herself back over Edward with that smug little smile of hers still there. I really wanted to wipe it off her or scratch her eyes out…something…but I managed not to do either.

My skin tingled as if there were an electric current running over it's surface, and the vibration coursing through my body had increased so that it buzzed in my ears like a mercury gas light. I wanted to hurt someone, break something, _feel_ something other than what I was feeling. I didn't attack Edward—screaming and railing at him for his massive fuckery—or demand to know what kind of game he was playing and if he was getting a good chuckle from it. I didn't even glance behind me to steal a final look at the happy couple.

A person can only survive so much pain, and I had already been pushed well beyond my limit; I had nothing left in me. The mercury bulb switched off. With its silence came the cessation of the tingling and the disappearance of my will to fight. I quietly imploded, then turned to my left and slowly climbed the stairs. At that point, the only thing I hoped for was to get out of there without making a complete fool of myself.

~//~

I made it upstairs to 'my' room, closing and locking the door behind me, before the first sob ripped from my chest, the force of which caused me to fall to the floor in the center of the room. The pain was indescribable, successfully incapacitating me as I curled into a ball, but I didn't lie there long. Some long-dormant survival instinct kicked in and I knew I couldn't stay there; I had to leave. I picked up whatever pieces of myself I could find and began to gather up my things—still crying and only operating on the most basic of levels, but functioning nonetheless.

Luckily, I had only just arrived the night prior and there wasn't much to grab. It took me less than five minutes to get my bag packed, and I was just about to leave when I decided to give the room one last walk-through to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. I opened the drawer on one of the nightstands because I'd forgotten to check in the first time and spotted some thick, cream-colored linen paper, along with an old calligraphy pen that I recognized as Esme's late mother's. Without thinking, I grabbed the pen and a couple sheets of paper, and hastily scribbled out two short notes.

Folding them both in half, I wrote a name on the outside of each before putting the pen away. I placed one of the folded sheets in the center of the bed, propped against the pillows; I didn't want it found too soon. The creamy paper blended so well with the bed linens that Alice's name across the front of it looked almost like embroidery when I looked back. Standing in the doorway of the room that had been mine, in the home of the family that wasn't…_and never would be_…I said goodbye, then shut off the lights and closed the door behind me.

I had one more thing to finish before I could leave.

I quickly made my way up to Edward's empty room and, after looking around for a moment—decision made—I crossed to his bed. Not that it mattered, but there was a certain appeal in the symmetry of leaving his note in the exact same spot I had just left Alice's on the bed that was nearly directly below—making them almost like bunk beds only with a floor lying between them. At the door, I allowed myself a brief, bittersweet glance back—symmetry again—and then I left.

Slipping quietly out of the house with my bags, I left the one place that felt more like home to me than any house or apartment I'd ever lived in, Charlie's included. I didn't know when, if ever, I would be back. My only regret…_aside from the 20,000 or so concerning Edward_…was not being able to say goodbye to Esme and Carlisle, but I knew—I had hope—that they would forgive me.

~//~

I needed to clean myself up, some time to think, and maybe to formulate a plan, so I drove to my father's instead of just driving straight out of town. Calling him on my way, I was relieved to hear him say that he wouldn't be home for at least a couple hours, maybe longer. Now I wouldn't have to have an audience while I fell to pieces. The key hidden on the porch was easily found and let myself in, taking my bag with me so that I could take a much-needed shower. Not only was I dirty, but I could still smell him…_Edward…_on me and it was imperative for my sanity that I wash him off of, and out of me—my head, my heart, my soul—if possible.

I set the shower for as hot as I could tolerate and stepped in. As the steam soothed my aching muscles and tear-swollen sinuses, my mind cleared and I began to formulate a plan. As much as I wanted to linger in the comforting embrace of the hot water, I couldn't; time was of the essence. I cut my shower short, dressed then immediately picked up my cell. A handful of phone calls later and everything had been taken care of, except for one thing…and just then, he pulled into the driveway.

"Hey, kid," Charlie said, taking off his holster and hanging it in its usual spot by the front door while I leaned, watching, against the entryway to the kitchen. "Nice to see ya. It's been a while."

"Hi, Daddy."

Warning flags went up and his eyes darted up to my downturned face. _Way to play it cool, fucktard._ "What's going on, Bells?"

I took a deep breath.

"I, um…" I tried to find the words, but how do you tell the person who thinks you are the sun that in less than 48 hours you will be leaving for at least the next year and a half? "I decided to do graduate school in New York after all…and I'm flying there on Sunday, actually."

"So, soon?" He looked stricken, and I wanted to kick myself, but instead shuffled my feet and squirmed uncomfortably under his gaze.

"Yeah. Classes start in a little over a week…really I should have already been there, but I just decided…er, recently to go—" _if only he knew how recently, _"—and I had this trip-thing planned with the gang that I didn't want to cancel since I probably won't see any of them until the wedding. I haven't figured out how to tell them I'm leaving, and I didn't want a black cloud hanging over everyone's head, ruining the weekend. I was going to wait until Sunday to tell them, but…

"Um…well, some stuff kind of came up last minute and I have to go back to Seattle so that I can fly to New York on Sunday. I just…I couldn't leave without seeing you and I wanted to tell you in person—didn't think you would appreciate hearing I was leaving by telephone. Are you terribly upset? I mean, I would have told you sooner, but it really was a last minute decision and, like I said, I didn't think you would take the news well over the phone…and, uh…well, I'm sorry." I squinted up at him, my brow scrunched with worry.

We hadn't managed to leave the entryway where I had accosted him with my news. Both of us stared at the ground in order to avoid making eye contact, and Charlie stroked his 'stache and then ran his hand over his mouth as he thought about how to answer me.

"Well, Bells…" he started, "I think this could be good for you."

My head shot up in disbelief, eyes darting to his as they sought confirmation. He made a gesture—arms out straight and slightly away from his body, palms facing me, and his shoulders shrugged infinitesimally—as if to say, 'Well, what do you want me to say?"

I raised my eyebrows—both of them—and was instantly, and irrationally, angry with a memory of Edward. '_Look how great I am, I can raise one eyebrow!' _Just thinking his name caused the torturous events of the day to invade my mind, abruptly ending my brief reprieve from it all. My stomach clenched and the hollow feeling returned to my chest. Luckily, Charlie spoke and distracted me before the waterworks could start up again.

"Yeah, I think it'll be good for you…a real character developing experience. You can finally stand on your own two feet; see how amazing you really are. To be honest, I was a little disappointed when you decided to stay in Seattle. I know you wanted to stay with your friends and, don't get me wrong, I like them—well, except for Edward—but I saw you turning down a really good opportunity and I didn't want you to regret it a few years down the road.

"I know what it's like to have regrets, Bells, and…hell, that's no way to live life. I don't want that for you; I want you to live life to the fullest. I'll miss ya, not gonna lie, but I - I'm real proud of you. You've already accomplished more than either your mom or I ever did, but this—getting your Master's—that's quite an accomplishment.

"That school back East is a real good school. I went to the academy, your mother didn't graduate college and here you are turning down grants from Ivy League schools. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little worried about you being in the big city—New York can be kind of dangerous, especially for a young woman—but I feel better knowing that you won't be alone."

I must have looked puzzled, because he clarified. "Billy's boy is goin' to school in New York too. He'll watch out for ya' since I can't be there to do it myself. You still got that pepper-spray I gave you though, right?"

Wow. I would have thought the news that his daughter was leaving for NYC in less than 48 hours would have distracted him from pursuing the Jacob Black conversation, but apparently not. Charlie Swan could be single-minded and determined about things…_I guess I'm kind of like my dad that way._

I nodded, not really listening as I was too busy replaying our date. I vaguely recalled Jake saying something about going to NYU, and by that point in the evening, I hadn't really been paying attention…I was a little bit distracted by Jealousward the Stingy. I groaned internally over Charlie's matchmaking attempts, but didn't say a word. I was leaving for a year and a half and didn't feel like bickering with him just before.

A litany of emotions, not all of them to do with Edward, coursed through me. I was annoyed with Charlie for continuing to push Jacob Black on me, and myself for not remembering anything Jake told me on our date. It was shocking that Charlie was supportive of my attending Columbia, and surprising to hear such a long monologue from him. I wasn't certain if Charlie had ever strung that many words together in my presence before, but I was fairly certain he hadn't.

The most dominant emotion, though, was guilt. I felt like the worst daughter in the history of the world for just up and leaving my father with virtually no notice. I hadn't really put much thought into how my departure would affect him…or anyone else for that matter. _Selfishness must be hereditary, because this is definitely from Renee's genes._ That's a lie—I had thought of how Charlie and my friends would feel, but I chose to disregard their feelings and run away like the coward I am. _Renee could still be held responsible for it, though._

I knew Charlie would miss me and I knew it was possible that my friends would never forgive me for my disappearing act, but I couldn't stay in Seattle…and New York was as far away as I could get from _him_ while continuing on the course I had mapped out for my life. Anyway, it wasn't about Charlie or the gang—I had to do this for me, for Edward…_for us_. Only something as drastic as putting the width of the country between us was going to help me…_us_…break the habit we had developed. We both needed a chance to be happy…to be healthy. It was unfortunate that Charlie had to be caught in the inevitable explosion of the landmine that was Edward and Bella, but there would be fewer victims this way, and hopefully no casualties…_except me._

"Good. I feel better knowing you have it, but I feel even better knowing that Jake will be there to help keep you safe for me. He's a good kid, Bells. You should give him a chance."

_Grrrr! _We were doing this now? I wasn't up for it, couldn't handle it at that moment—and besides, I really needed to get going. Deep breaths—in with the good air, out with the bad, in with the good… I was trying to keep myself from stomping my foot like a petulant child and Charlie, being the good cop he is—or maybe it was just something that came with age and experience—sensed the shift in my mood and quickly changed the subject. I knew better than to think that he was giving up—he was simply falling back to regroup—but it was possible that I could get out of there before he could launch his next attack…_possible, but not likely._

"You still gonna be able to share a place with the Webber girl, Angela, like the two of you had discussed before you decided on the U?" I nodded. "Have you handled everything in Seattle and arranged shipping your stuff to Angela's?" Again, I nodded. "What about your truck?"

My eyebrows drew together and I scowled as I answered him, "Um…I'm gonna sell it."

Charlie's eyes snapped back to my face, shocked confusion plain to see. _Tell me about it, Pops! _I thought wryly. It was the one part…_aside from everything_…that I really hated about leaving. Sure, the ol' girl was a rusted bucket of bolts and a behemoth, but she had been good to me for five years. _Good memories. _No matter how much my friends made fun of it over the years, I had always remained fiercely loyal. Selling my truck was like selling a good friend.

"Well," he started slowly after a moment of contemplation. "I'd hate for you to have to get rid of her—I know how much you love that old thing—and you're gonna need _something_ to drive when you finish up with school. Why don't you just leave it at the airport and I'll arrange to pick it up sometime Monday…if you want, that is? I can use it when I go fishing or wherever…you're coming back eventually, right?"

He looked up at me with a worried, nearly panicked expression on his face, like he had never even contemplated the fact that I may decide to stay back east. Truthfully, I hadn't. I was going to get my get my degree, put some much needed distance and time between Edward and me, and then I would be…had to be…back in time for EmmAlie's wedding. _That is, if she even wants me to be her Maid of Honor after this. _That gave me a year and a half to get my degree, and I had every reason to believe I could do it within the allotted to three years of summer courses, I had already started working on it, so I couldn't see a problem.

Originally, a Masters had been as far as I planned to go with my education, but not wanting to be separated from Edward—who still had two years left of med school—any more than absolutely necessary, I decided to look into pursuing my Doctorate. I applied to several grad schools and had been astounded to have been accepted by all of them. I turned them all down – except Columbia – to stay with my friends...and Edward. No one but Charlie knew—I mean, I stayed, so it's not like they needed to know—and he only knew because I had all correspondence sent to his house; Alice was nosy.

"I'll be back for Rose and Em's wedding in a year and a half. I still haven't decided if I want to get a doctorate, so for now I'm only getting my Masters of Philosophy, but Columbia has a great program so I can decide later. Either way I would still have to apply for the program.

"I will probably be back for good when I come back, but it all depends on what I decide. If I am going to be home in time for the wedding I probably won't be able to come back to visit much, if at all…" _Definitely. 'if at all,' _"and airfare between Seattle and New York is expensive…so, yeah."

My excuses for not visiting sounded pitiful, even to me, but if I came home and Alice knew about it, then _he _would know and I couldn't have that. If I came home without telling her and she found out secondhand…well, it wouldn't be happiness with which she greeted me. That kind of betrayal would break her heart, and my unexpected little Houdini act was going to hurt her enough as it was; I would do everything in my power to avoid hurting her any more than necessary. I thought about coming home and just avoiding her, in order to avoid him, but if I did that, their relationship was as good as dead…which brought me to my next problem—the issue of not wanting to come between Alice and Edward.

Alice had to suspect, if she didn't outright fucking know—because she usually knew everything—that there was something going on between Edward and me, but if I came home for the holidays she would know without a doubt. As it was, she hadn't said anything either way, but she wasn't stupid. While math wasn't her area of expertise, I knew she could put two and two together. She would have no problem doing exactly that when she returned home to discover Tanya there and me and my stuff gone. If luck was on my side…_fat chance of that_…she would assume that I left because Tanya and I couldn't be in the same room without a passive-aggressive cat fight—complete with figurative hissing—ensuing; it was a well known fact, after all.

She would tear Edward a new one over it…_which was fine, because his head was currently up the one he had…_but it'd be a walk in the park compared to the battle royale that would go down when she returned to Seattle and discovered that I'd flown the coop. She'd get over it, though…I hoped. _I was so fucked. _I didn't want to cause a rift in the family that had taken me in, all but adopting me, just because I couldn't stay off Edward's cock. Which only substantiated my decision to take myself out of the picture for a while. It was literally the least I could do after doing exactly what she had all but begged me not to do. _I was an awful friend._

The funny…_or not so funny, depending on how you looked at it_…thing was, that for all these years I had harbored quite a bit of resentment towards Alice for enacting the BellWard Embargo of 2003. Secretly, I had always blamed at least a part or our fucked-up relationship on her forcing us to hide how we felt about each other. _Snort!_ As if not having to hide our pseudo-relationship would have done anything to lessen the dysfunctionality of it. It was only now, when I saw the mess she had been trying to prevent, that I understood. She really was trying to protect me from the inevitable.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I wasn't aware of the lengthy silence that had fallen over us until it was broken by a throat clearing. I looked up to see Charlie tugging at his collar nervously, something he did whenever he tried to take an interest in my life. His attempts at acting fatherly would have been sweet if not for the fact that they came off more like an interrogation…and I was the perp.

"Have you found a job there yet?"

I shook my head. "But Angela thinks she may be able to get me a position with the editing firm she works for."

Charlie nodded his head and muttered, "Good, good."

He studied the grain in the wood floor and shuffled his feet some more.

"Well…_Dad_… I hate to leave so soon, especially since I leave on Sunday, but I have to run if I'm going to make the next ferry…" _and lessen my chance of someone catching me before I make it off the peninsula. _"I need to get back to my apartment as early as possible. Lots to do, you know…and very little time to do it in. I'm really sorry that this is so last minute and I couldn't spend more time with you, but I'll call you as often as I can and…I, um…"

I took a clumsy step towards him and tentatively gave him a peck on the cheek. "Love you, Char…er, Dad."

It seemed to me like an awfully weak goodbye considering I was leaving for eighteen months, but Charlie and I didn't exactly have an extensive history with showing affection so I had nothing to go on. When he pulled me to him, giving me a fierce, but awkward hug, I was so startled that I couldn't respond at first. After my stupor lifted, I raised my arms and returned his embrace. I couldn't remember the last time my father had hugged me like that, and I didn't know when it would happen again. The thought made me choke up a bit, which shouldn't have been possible. After all the tears I had shed in the past twenty-four hours, how was it possible that I had any left to cry?

"Just…take care of yourself and be safe. I'm just a plane ride away if you need me…and I love you too, Kid. You really should give Jacob Black a call when you're all settled in. You won't know anyone aside from Angela, and I'd feel a lot better knowing that you had someone watching out for you."

_Fuck! _Almost made it out the door before he could begin his fresh attack, but no…_I am le fail_. I was trying to be understanding, his only daughter was moving across the country to one of the biggest cities in the world, but I had very little compassion left.

…_if you try walking in my shoes, you'll stumble in my footsteps…_

_Just give the baby his bottle, Bella. _I sucked a deep breath and decided to appease him. "Sure, Dad. Not a problem."

He released me but, just as I began to step away from him, I found myself wrapped snugly in his arms once again. My previous annoyance disappeared, and I didn't care that my face was smooshed into his chest or that his badge was digging into the tender spot where my shoulder and chest met up. He pressed a quick kiss to my forehead and his voice was thick with fatherly affection and pride as he said, "I really do love you too, Kid…more than you know. Always have, always will."

I held on tighter as I suddenly found myself swept away by a long forgotten memory of me as a little girl, being tucked into bed by my father—I couldn't have been more than five or six at the time. I had begun having frequent nightmares not long before my trip to Forks that year. It was more than a phase, as they occurred nearly every night, sometimes multiple times a night. Renee had told him about it, all pissed off because I was interrupting her beauty sleep and…um, other nighttime activities. "Do something about it, Charlie," I'd overheard her snap to him over the phone while they were discussing my travel arrangements.

I had been in Forks for four days and, after reading several parenting magazines and asking the wives of his friends Billy and Harry for advice, Charlie decided to try establishing a nurturing bedtime routine to solve my problem. We had just finished saying my prayers…_Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep…_he pulled the covers up to my chin, tucking me in…_snug as a bug in a rug…_before kissing my forehead softly in goodnight…

"_I love you, Jingle-Bells…always and forever."_

"_I love you too, Daddy…over the moon and back," I said with a big, silly smile that revealed the gap in my mouth where my two front teeth should have been. Charlie tickled me and I giggled the way only a little girl can—tinkling like a bell with delightful abandon. _

"_Goodnight now, Bells," he said softly as he got up. "Sleep tight and…"_

"_Don't let the bedbugs bite," we finished together. With that, he flicked on my nightlight and walked out, pulling the door shut behind him except for a crack, and I fell asleep safe and secure in my father's love and slept nightmare-free all night._

I was pulled back to the present when the words spilled from my lips, "Jingle-Bells…"

His eyes snapped up. "What was that, Isabella?"

"You used to call me Jingle-Bells. I just remembered," I said softly, a small smile tugging at my lips despite the circumstances. Sometime between the start of the memory and that moment, I had released my father and made my way to the door, placing my hand on the knob as I prepared to leave.

Charlie scratched his neck and then ruffled the hair at the back of his head as his eyes shifted back to the ground. His cheeks grew red—out of modesty or due to the sentimentality of the nickname, I wasn't sure—and his voice grew wistful and gruff, wavering with the emotion he held in check. "Yeah, you used to love that nickname."

That was enough father-daughter bonding for the moment…_in fact, we should be good for the next ten years, or at the very least, the next one and a half_… I decided to let it go and leave. "I still do, Dad. I'll-ah…call you when I get into Seattle. Stay cool, Pops."

I opened the door and started to walk out, noticing that my bag was on my shoulder, but not remembering picking it up. Nearly falling off the top step of the porch, I whirled around to face Charlie.

"Hey, Dad?" I blurted out, waiting until he looked up to continue. "If Alice calls looking for me, just tell her that I will call her and explain everything…I want to be the one to tell her about New York."

He nodded, looking grateful not to have to be the one to deliver the news. Offering a small, tight smile, he said goodbye the only way he knew how, "Drive safe, kid."

I waved over my shoulder and continued to my truck. Charlie waited until I started it up and set off down the road before disappearing behind the closed door of the house.

~//~

I made my way to the 101 and, as I left the city limits of Forks, my head filled with thoughts of _him_.

…_Did you ever think of me as your best friend…?_

My weeping resumed as I drove out of town, all of the landmarks I passed reminded me of him…of us.

The grocery store where I met Alice, which led to meeting him.

The park where we frequently carried out our trysts.

The road leading to the trail where our arrangement was made…_and consummated on more than one occasion._

The lake where we used to go swimming and took one rather ill-fated fishing trip.

Sadness and happiness were inexorably twisted and tied together in my memories, so that they became one new, unique emotion—bittersweet in its duality. I sobbed harder. _How the hell was it even possible that I had any tears left to cry?_

…_Did I ever think of you? I'm not complaining…_

My gasping sobs eventually eased, but tears kept falling unchecked down my face, bathing me in my misery as I drove carefully towards the ferry. I finally made it to the terminal in Kingston without incident, despite my blurry, waterlogged vision, but I was on edge the entire time that I waited. Sitting in my truck—blocked in near the middle of the line of waiting cars—I felt vulnerable, exposed. I kept expecting Alice…_or someone_…to show up and attempt to stop me, but no one did.

The ferry finally arrived at the terminal and it wasn't long before I was boarding. The crossing only took thirty minutes, but I couldn't remain cooped up in the cab of my truck—it was just another reminder of him. As soon as Bertha was parked, with blocks in place behind her tires, I wiped my damp cheeks, crawled out of my truck and went up the stairwell leading to the passenger deck. I kept my chin down as I rushed across the fishbowl-like space of the cabin, intent on the door that would lead me to the mostly–deserted aft deck.

I went directly to the rail, not caring about the stray drops of stinging water that occasionally pelted me. Completely dry-eyed, I stood there, saying a silent goodbye as I watched the Olympic Peninsula…_home…_slip farther and farther away, taking with it everything I wanted, my dreams, my hopes, maybe even my innocence…what little of it I had left, at least.

Making it onto the ferry without being caught did little to help me relax. Every time a door slammed or, as more people milled about, I heard footsteps heading my direction, I tensed up, fully expecting to turn my head and see one of my friends…_and uselessly hoping it would be him_. I guess I never really thought he would let me walk away so easily; he never had before.

I knew better, but that same stupid, girly part of me—the one that had obviously watched movies like Pretty Woman and Dirty Dancing one too many times, was sorely disappointed that he wasn't chasing after me, fighting for me. _And why would he? I would never have the chance to rescue him right back, nor was Edward going to tell anyone not to put me into the corner; I was no Baby._ His had made his choice when he invited her and his fate was sealed when she showed up. He wasn't going to suddenly leave her for me.

…_I never tried to feel…_

He didn't _want_ me. I didn't want to want him.

…_I never tried to feel…_

I wasn't _enough_ for him. He was too _much _for me.

…_I never tried to feel this vibration…_

The silence from my phone was deafening. Not a word from him, not even to make sure I was okay. His lack of concern for my well-being was the final, devastating blow. It made it glaringly and painfully obvious that he wasn't my Edward any longer. _My _Edward would have at least checked on me because he was, first and foremost, my friend, and my—fuck-buddy? Lover?—whatever, second. _Well, when he wasn't preoccupied with conquering and exploring unknown pussy, that was._ _My Edward! _I scoffed. _Since when had he _ever _been _my_ Edward?_

…_Did I ever think of you… _

Maybe he hadn't really been honest with me, but I couldn't help but feel that I knew the real Edward, or at least a part of him, but it was the truest part of him that he never let anyone else see. And that was the Edward that was missing. Edward was a lot of things: a moody and sensitive boy, a bright and articulate student, a panty-charming bastard, a considerate and funny friend…and then there was the man the carnal predator that owned my body and probably always would.

…_as my enemy…?_

I certainly couldn't get him out of my mind, never had been able to. No matter how much I wanted to keep him out, he always managed to infiltrate my thoughts. All our history—both as friends and as lovers—churned in my brain, much like the grey water of the Puget Sound in the ferry's wake that I was staring at without really seeing. I was trapped in my head, my mind flipping through images of the past five years like leafing through an album full of snapshots.

…_Did you ever think of me…? _

Each new photograph bringing with it a memory, the pictures began to come faster and faster; it wasn't long before I found myself struggling to stay afloat in the deluge. Unable to fight any longer, I gave in. I let the wave sweep me away until I was drowning in all our yesterdays. It was like experiencing the last five years in the blink of an eye, only my mind lingered on my favorite memories of us.

…_I'm complaining… _

There were moments, brief and ephemeral, but still there, where I could feel that there was more between us than just fucking, something beyond our arrangement. I knew I didn't just imagine those times. Hell, to be honest, I didn't even want to acknowledge those moments to myself, but they were there and my mind chose that moment to torture me with them.

…_I never tried to feel…_

Pages flew by, maybe half a dozen, before stopping on a picture of Edward and me on a busy beach with palm trees in the background. Spring break in Florida…it was the first, and one of the only times, that I was able to spend an extended amount of unguarded time with him. We didn't have people constantly watching us, analyzing our behavior, suspicious of our every interaction. At the time, it made me realize how little I knew Edward, but how much I wanted to get to know him.

…_I never tried to feel this vibration…_

Several more pages in my mental photo album turned before my mind paused again, on the first time he snuck in my window…

_Charlie was working graveyard all week, but went in at eight to handle some paperwork. All alone for the night, the house was empty and cold. At least, it felt that way to me, but that could have just been my mood—tenebrous, at best. Done with the day, I trudged upstairs and crawled into bed. I tried not to think about Edward and the bitter fight we'd had earlier but, as I slipped into unconsciousness and could no longer fight him off, he invaded my dreams…and my bedroom, as it turned out. _

_Desperate to see me, he scaled the tree outside of my room and snuck in through my bedroom window. We fought again but, unlike our earlier row that had ended with me storming off, cursing his name, this one ended with us naked and writhing on my bedroom floor. It was one of the most intense, erotic, sensual and meaningful nights of my life. I had been certain that it was a step forward in our non-existent relationship, but it wasn't. It only drove him further away…and into the arms of some random girl at the next party we attended._

God, we were so fucked up, thinking our arrangement would ever work. Even if it wasn't doomed from the start—which it was—it certainly wasn't healthy.

…_I never tried to reach…_

I relived several more moments before the only part of my mind that's not completely focused internally, registered the announcement that we would be arriving in Edmonds shortly. I assumed that it was that same part of my mind that walked me mechanically back to my truck, took the wheel when I disembarked, and drove the forty five minutes to Alice's and my…_now former_…apartment.

Just like I promised, I sent Charlie a text that I arrived, then I turned my phone off and forced my mind to focus on the tasks that I needed to accomplish. The time for daydreaming and reminiscing was over. Throwing myself into the mind-numbing work proved to be just the thing to clear all thoughts of Edward Cullen out of my head

…_I never tried to reach your Eden…_

~//~

Except for a few meager pieces of furniture and various sized boxes strewn throughout, the apartment was virtually empty. She had already moved in with Jasper and, since I couldn't afford our apartment on my own, most of my stuff was packed. I was just waiting for my new place to become available before I signed the lease and moved in. Guess I didn't need to worry about that any longer.

I wasn't sure what time it was when the last box had finally been taped shut and my two suitcases had been placed by the front door. I was so relieved to be finished with it all and able to succumb to the bone-deep exhaustion that it simply didn't matter. However, time would matter in the morning. The moving company would be arriving early to pick up my belongings and I needed to be up to let them in and make sure that the items going to New York didn't get mixed in with what was going to storage.

I had actually been unusually lucky when I'd called them to make new arrangements for moving my things. They had a truck leaving for New York sometime on Saturday evening that was only partially full, and my few belongings—a complete bedroom set, clothing, several boxes of books, two large bookcases and a few other miscellaneous things—would hardly take up any space if I didn't mind it sharing a trailer with someone else's. The guy I spoke to gave me a pretty big discount and even included hauling the rest of my stuff to storage. He gave me the whole, 'Well, I'm not really supposed to do this but…' _Snort!_

Pretty sure he was flirting with me, which was kind of asinine, considering I had just made arrangements—_and with him, no less_—for my stuff to be shipped to New York the following day. _Who does that?_ I may have flirted back a bit, but I got my shit shipped half-price to the other side of the country and the rest of it to storage. I had to laugh sadly at myself for it—my friends really had rubbed off on me.

Had it been five years ago, I would have been somewhat horrified and much too embarrassed to flirt with a guy to get ahead. However, if there was one thing I had learned from Rose over the years, it was that using your feminine wiles to get your way didn't make you a slut…so long as you didn't do anything more than flirt. She was famous for working the dumb blonde angle but, joke was on them—Rosalie Hale-soon-to-be-Cullen was far from dumb.

"If a guy is dumb enough to fall for a pretty girl batting her eyelashes at him, then he deserves to change my tire or carry my bags to my car. It's not like I am seducing them to get classified government secrets or the code to their wall-safes," she said frequently.

_Rose would be so proud, _I thought, missing her already. I wiped away the lone tear that escaped my eye at the thought of my friend, but I forced the sadness back and pushed on. It would have been so easy to give in to the blackness that was trying to creep up on me the way The Nothing did in The Neverending Story, but I had cried and been sad enough for one day; I refused to give in to despair again; I didn't have time for it. I had accomplished a lot in the previous hours, but there was still so much to do.

Transferring from UW to Columbia went smoothly. Of course, the fact that I had never gotten around to turning down the grant or declining my acceptance to Columbia helped. It was a win not just for the lazy procrastinator in me, but for lazy procrastinators everywhere. The phrase 'Thank God It's Friday' had never rang truer for me though, because had all of this happened one day later, I didn't know what I would be doing right now.

Everything had come together so easily that it almost felt like fate… so why did I find myself wanting to cry and rail against it? I took a deep breath and threw myself into getting ready for bed, taking comfort in the familiar routine. My alarm clock was packed, so I found my phone and plugged it in beside the bare mattress that lay on the floor with one blanket and a single pillow. Summoning my courage, I turned my phone back on for the first time in hours and my phone went crazy, ringing and buzzing with both text and voicemail alerts. I finally set it on silent and went about my evening ritual, truncated of course since almost everything I owned was packed. When I finished with my evening ablutions and checked my phone, I was a bit surprised to find both inboxes full.

I didn't want to know if he called and I didn't want to know if he hadn't, so I cleared all the message alerts on the screen, set all three alarms, turned the ringer on high and crawled under the covers.

Despite falling asleep immediately, it wasn't a restful night. I slept fitfully, tossing and turning as images—real and imaginary—played through my mind and my phone called out to me from its spot on the floor, burrowing into my subconscious, my very own Tell-Tale Heart. Only instead of a steady staccato heartbeat taunting me, my torment was the green flash of the message alert light…_check me_…_check me_…_check me_…_check me_…and I found myself fighting the urge to snatch it up. It wasn't until the night sky began to turn purple with the promise of morning that I managed to sleep undisturbed for more than twenty minutes.

~//~

The shippers arrived bright and early and, soon enough, my apartment was as empty as I felt. When I was alone again, I took one last, sentimental look around, placed my key on the kitchen counter and left, hearing the lock click with finality as I closed the door behind me.

With all of my possessions on a truck bound for either the east coast or storage, I was forced to spend my final night in Seattle at a hotel. I chose one near the airport, but not too close—just in case anyone was looking for me. I was aware that I was being paranoid; it's not like they had any reason to suspect what I was doing, but you can't be too safe when you are escaping your life. _Melodramatic much, Bella? _

Trying to limit the chance of Alice answering the phone when I inevitably gave in and called her, I waited until the middle of the night to listen to my voicemail. Rather than subject myself to the pain hearing her voice would cause, I pressed a key and replied directly, my own message long and rambling.

"Alice…hey, um…I'm sorry I left—am leaving—without saying goodbye…or anything, it's just something I have to do. IdecidedtogotoNewYork. Columbia is just too good of an opportunity to pass up. I know you're probably really angry with me…but please don't hate me," I plead to her voicemail, my throat scratchy from both all the tears I'd shed and the unshed ones too.

"I have to do this Alice…I need to know that I can make it on my own, without anyone's interference. I've thought about it a lot and, as much as I love all of you, I realized that I was staying for all of the wrong reasons. I was going to tell you guys…but I just didn't know how, and then something came up and I have to fly out there earlier than I thought I would…and then I didn't get a chance to tell you.

"I really hope you can forgive me, Al. Tell Rose that I'll be back in time for the wedding—that is, if she still wants me in it—but in order to finish in a year and a half, I won't be able to come home. At all. I'll call you in a few days after I have had a chance to settle in. One more thing! Please don't tell anyone where I am. I need to be on my own for a while. I love you Alice. Tell everyone that I love them, and that I am sorry…I didn't mean to run out on you all. I gotta go. Bye, Ali-cat."

By the time I ended the message and disconnected the call, I was overcome by tears again. I cried for not getting to say goodbye to my friends, for the distance I was putting between us. I cried for the lies, for the lives we had unknowingly, and knowingly, impacted. I cried for never being enough for anyone, not for Edward and not for Renee. I cried for being stupid enough to fall in love with a boy who I knew could never love me back, for all the wasted years in which I could have found happiness with someone else. I cried until I was simply too exhausted for sleep to elude me and then I fell into the heavy slumber that can only be achieved when you've cried your heart out and given in to the nothing.

~//~

Anesthetized by all the tears I had cried the night before, I made my way through the airport numbly and blindly. I couldn't tell you what words I exchanged with the agent at the ticketing counter or security, and I couldn't tell you how long I waited to board my flight or what a single person I encountered looked like. I was a shade, a plume of acrid, purple smoke just drifting along with the sea of humans as they flowed to their destinations. I eventually found myself buckled into a window seat on the left side of the plane, with some middle-aged, frat-boy type eyeing me up from the seat next to me.

When he attempted to chat me up…_he actually tried to pull a Joey, 'How you doin'?'_...I ignored him. By the time we were pushing away from the gate, he had thankfully given up on the hope that I would be his mile high club teammate.

I stared out the window as the sticky, black tarmac rushed by fast…faster…faster still, and then…we were weightless, a giant steel torpedo suspended in the air. It was a beautiful day in Seattle and, as the plane climbed into the sky towards the sun, I felt a little like Icarus. Waiting for my waxen wings to melt from the heat, I peered out the window, watching as Seattle, in all its sunlit glory, receded. It was one of those golden days that reminded me why they called Seattle the Emerald City.

I wanted to yell at the captain to turn the plane around, but I kept silent. After all, I was the one who ordered my banishment; I didn't get to rail against what I brought to pass. The plane continued to gain altitude and, the higher it climbed, the lower my stomach sank.

I listened without bothering to comprehend his words when the captain's voice came over the P.A. Maybe if I had I would have been prepared for what came next.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It's such a lovely day here in the city of Seattle that we are going to take a little detour here. I have asked and gotten permission from the tower to do a flyby over Mount Rainier. If you look out of the left side of the plane, you're going to get an amazing view of its three peaks. The highest peak, at 14,411 feet, is Columbia Crest, followed by Point Success and then Liberty Cap. I'd like to thank you for joining us today…"_

He launched into his usual speech about cruising altitudes, flight times…_blah, blah, blah…_etcetera, but I had stopped listening. Mount Rainier came into view at that exact moment and, having finally gotten too close to the sun, my wax wings melted, sending me tumbling back down to earth. Grief slammed into me, the force of the impact taking my breath away, and for the first time it suddenly became real to me—I was leaving the one place that, in spite of my vows to the contrary, had become my home.

My tears started flowing again, streaming down my face in long, unbroken lines and, try as I might, I could do nothing to stem the tide. The only thing I could think, the only thing I knew, was that I was leaving and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave Seattle, I didn't want to leave Edward, but I had to because I was too weak to stay away if I remained…and I knew it. I kept hearing his voice telling me he loved me, I could feel his hands on mine as they guided our fingertips over our hearts…da-dub…ba-bum…ba-bum…and I found myself wanting to believe that what I saw in his eyes was honesty instead of some carefully constructed mask designed to get him what he wanted.

That was how fucked in the head I was—even after the truth knocked on the fucking door, I still wanted to believe that he had meant it. _Fuck. My. Life._ I wiped the dampness from my face and ordered a double of whatever whiskey they had. I needed to get back to that place of benumbed detachment, where my pernicious thoughts weren't able to impinge me. I wanted The Nothing to swallow me whole…

…_sleep will not come to this tired body now; peace will not come to this lonely heart…_

My drink finished and the airplane having reached its cruising altitude, I reclined my seat back—the whole five degrees that it would recline—and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would just take me.

…_there are some things I'll live without, but I want you to know that I need you right now…_

Just like the prior two nights, instead of finding sleep, the backs of my closed eyelids became a movie screen playing an Edward Cullen marathon. I clenched my eyes…_squeeze_…_release_…_squeeze_…_release_...tightly, trying to clear his image, all to no avail. What I wouldn't have given to experience the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind…I'd always liked the sun, after all. A stray tear slipped out from behind my closed eyelids and traced a path slowly down my cheek.

…_I need someone to ease my mind, but sometimes a someone is so hard to find…_

Unable to recall the last time I ate anything, the whiskey worked quickly in my blood, hastening the arrival of a hopefully dreamless slumber. As darkness claimed me, an image—brutally stark in its simplicity—eclipsed the vision of Edward that was on permanent display in my head. I had somehow managed to keep thoughts of it at bay…

…'_cause I want you to stay, with me…_

…until now. Just words, an inky scrawl against a creamy background...

_E-_

_Take care of my heart, I've left it with you._

-B

~//~

Songs Used  
(In order of appearance)  
_  
Living Dead Girl _by Rob Zombie  
_Eden_ by Hooverphonic  
_In the Arms of Sleep _by Smashing Pumpkins

1. "Terrified... mortified...petrified...stupefied…" line from the film A Beautiful Mind that I modified to suit my needs.

2. "_The lady doth protest too much, methinks…" _Queen Gertrude,Hamlet Act 3, scene 2, 222–230

3. The Neverending Story was a fantasy movie in the 1980's

4. The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a brilliant philosophical/psychological 2004 film

**A/N: **Okay, I will probably forget a bunch of stuff, but…thank everyone who reviewed, or added; means a lot to me. The last chapter received the most reviews out of all the chapters so far, and I was overwhelmed by it. I do believe I have replied to everyone though. Win for me!

I have posted the first outtake for BH. It's called **Hits: Bad Habit Outtakes, **or something like that. I'm too lazy to look. There was also a partial outtake included in the Twifans for Haiti compilation. I had more I wanted to say, but can't remember what. On to my rec's.

**Rec's **

_Nicknames and Rumors_ by Suitiblyironicmoniker_  
We Used To Be a Love Story _by GiveUsAKiss413_  
Seventh Inning Stretch_ by Live720_  
Tie Me Here In Time _by jadedandboring_  
Expectations and Other Moving Pieces _by chrometurtle (thought I rec'd this eons ago)_  
Full Dark _by Gina-Bean (on Twi'd)_  
Hide and Drink_ by Savage

_**Thanks for being so awesome to my l'il story!**_


	20. Chapter 17 Black

**A/N: ** Please see authors note at bottom for important info. Thank you.

_**

* * *

**_**Chapter 17 - Black**_**

* * *

**_

…_Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.  
All five horizons revolved around her soul  
As the earth to the sun  
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn…._

_…I know she gave me all that she wore  
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds  
Of what was everything…_

…_Twisted thoughts that spin round my head  
I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning  
How quick the sun can drop away_

_And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass  
Of what was everything?_

_…All the love gone bad turned my world to black  
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be, yeah..._

_I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,  
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why  
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine…?_

- _Black _by Pearl Jam

~//~

_What the fuck was she doing here? _

That was my only thought when I saw her. As if she was Medusa, she caught my eye and I turned to stone under her gorgon's gaze. I was unable to move out of the path of the wrecking ball that she was…and then she was hurtling towards me and it was too late. She slammed into me with the force of a…well, of a fucking wrecking ball, destroying everything in her path on the way. Immobilized, the soul-sucking creature…thesuccubus...wrapped her arms around my neck and suction-cupped herself to my lips.

_This could not be real, it could not be happening. _

I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them _she_ wouldn't be the one clinging to me, but she was. I looked towards the door, part of me hoping Bella wouldn't be there and part—the selfish part—hoping she was, simply because I craved her nearness. _Yeah, I already said I was a selfish motherfucker._ Either way, it was the wrong thing to do. Our eyes met, locked, and…I can't even describe what the sight of her standing by the door looking as if she had just been kicked in the guts—worse than that, really—did to me. All the times I had hurt that girl over the years—too many fucking times, honestly, and it made me fucking sick to think about it—and I had never seen her look the way she did as she watched Tanya molest me.

_Fuck!_ Why did everything always go _so fucking wrong_ with us? I had finally pulled my head out of my ass and was trying—actually, truly, honestly trying—to fix things between us, to do what I should have done years ago, and for what? Instead of Bella in my arms, I was stuck dealing with Tanya while watching Bella flee up the stairs. The worst part was the flatness of her normally vibrant, expressive eyes. They were just…dead. I had finally broken her. No words existed for the level of disgust and loathing I felt for myself in that moment.

_What the fuck was she doing here? Talk about a comedown._ I come back in from the most intense, amazing sex anyone, anywhere has ever had—and, let's face it, I've had a lot of sex—to this whore, right after telling Bella I'd ended things with the tramp. _Fucking superb! _I couldn't help but think that any chance I had of salvaging things with her had just been shot to hell, and I nearly staggered under the weight of the pain.

With Tanya still latched onto me like a remora,I turned and faced my mother, silently asking for help. I saw the bright flare of anger steal across her face before she crossed her arms and shot me a look that read plain as day… _You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it_…followed by one that made me feel impossibly worse… _Oh, Edward, how could you?_

…_now, I know that I can't make you stay…_

When Bella ran up the stairs, I wanted nothing more than to go after her but, even if my mother's glare hadn't stopped me, the T-bomb pressing herself to my side needed to be diffused first. Whereas Bella had always been the 'suffer-in-silence' type, Tanya was more of the 'if I even so much as imagine feeling the slightest bit of discomfort—physical or emotional—I am going to take down as many people as possible, and make them infinitely more miserable than I imagine myself to be' type.

…_but where's your heart…?_

I'd hurt Bella enough, the least I could do was get rid of Tanya as quietly as I could. Once she was dealt with, I would go to Bella and fully explain everything to her. I had a feeling it might be a lost cause, but I wasn't going to give up without a fight…not this time. It wasn't the first time that I had planned on fixing things between Bella and me, but I had always chickened out like the terminal pussy I was.

Tanya squirmed against my side, and all the rage that had been building inside me for—years, if I was truthful—burst, and was about to be unleashed on her. I peeled her off me and gripped her upper arm tightly, holding her away from me.

…_but where's your heart…?_

"Mother, if you'll excuse us, please…we need to talk." I leveled a glare at Tanya, and thank God she was smart enough to keep her fucking trap shut, because there was just no telling what I would have done had she talked.

…_But where's your…?_

I ignored the look of alarm that clouded my mother's face, and dragged Tanya down the hall to the library.

"Where are we going, Edward? Why aren't we going to your room?"

"Tanya. Shut. Up." I growled through gritted teeth, my voice sounding rough and foreign to my ears. Either my tone or my demeanor—perhaps even a combination of the two--seemed to have an effect on her, because she didn't say a word the remainder of the way to the library.

I pulled her through the door, slamming it behind us, and released her, pushing her away from me as I did.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I demanded. "I told you that you weren't invited, and you...what? Assume that's my way of asking you to come? Well, you know what I think? I think this was a last-ditch effort to keep me from ending things with you, because you had to know that I wasn't going to call you again."

"This—" she gestured between the two of us, "—isn't over until I say it is…and I'm not nearly done with you yet. Besides, you never said anything about wanting to end things…"

…_and I know, there's nothing I could say…_

"There's nothing to end! Are you fucking delusional, or just stupid? We _aren't_ in a relationship. We have _never _been in a relationship—we were just fucking, Tanya. That's all you were to me—just a fuck. A piece of ass, and _not even my first choice_."

…_to change that part…_

Her lip trembled, and she looked as if she was about to cry. A lifetime of being taught that it's wrong to make girls cry kicked in, and for about two seconds, I worried that maybe I was being a bit harsh. But then I remembered that everything about her was fake—every emotion calculated, every caress and touch and gesture, all of them, contrived and designed to get her what she wanted—and I didn't feel bad at all.

…_to change that part…_

"Oh, fuck off!" I raged, tearing at my hair in frustration. "Seriously! Don't even pretend to be hurt. You knew exactly what was up from the beginning and, from the way you were salivating all over my cock the second you set eyes on me, you only wanted one thing from me as well. You kind of confirmed it when you pulled me into the men's bathroom and had it in your mouth five seconds later.

…_to change…_

"It's not like you're in love with me, or even care about me. We both know that you've fucked every guy in our study group." It honestly wouldn't have surprised me if she had fucked one of our professors, too, but I didn't feel the need to make this more volatile than it already was by accusing her of whoring her way through med school…_no matter how likely it was; she wasn't that smart._

"How did you…?"

"You don't really believe I'm stupid enough to think that I was the only one you were boning, do you?" I shook my head, because judging by the expression on her face, she did. "You were discreet, but not that discreet. That's the only reason I let things continue for so long with you. You were like the female me.

"I didn't think I needed to worry about you getting all clingy, but then you pull this shit, so obviously I was wrong. I was finished this morning, but now…you just need to leave, Tanya, and then you need to lose my number and my address…and find a new study group.

"Just pretend that I never existed."

"Hah!" she snorted. "I just drove four hours to spend time with you! You are _not_ just going to send me home."

"Yes, I am. That's exactly what I am doing. It's not my fucking fault that you drove all the way here. I _told_ you that you weren't invited or even welcome."

She was seriously starting to unnerve me. I was expecting her to say, 'I won't be ignored, Edward,' at any time. Much to my relief—not that I was writing it off entirely—silence descended.

For more than twenty minutes, neither of us spoke, we simply glared across the room at each other. The entire time I could see the wheels turning in her head, looking more Fatal Attraction-like as the minutes passed. The only thing I could think was '_Fuck. My. Life'. _I couldn't believe this was happening.

Seriously though, with the way I had been making my way through girls for all these years, it had been bound to happen eventually, and was shocking that it hadn't yet. Not once had I ever considered how the girls I was fucking felt…except Bella, but even then I didn't care enough about her to turn down pussy when it was offered. I could tell myself all I wanted that I was doing it to push her away for her own good, but that felt like such a bullshit excuse.

Before I was able to dwell on it any longer, Tanya decided intermission was over and we were on to Act II. Great big, fake, crocodile tears, the tears that she had been trying to work up earlier, suddenly dripped prettily down her face.

"I'm—_hiccough_—s-s-s-sorry!" she wailed.

"Tanya! Cut the shit. What kind of fucking game are you playing?" I demanded tersely. "Hmm?"

And, just like that, her tears disappeared.

…_so many bright lights to cast a shadow…_

"I. Don't. Like. To. Lose. And, quite frankly, I'm not done with you yet. You're a good fuck, and I like having what all the other girls want—even if it only looks that way. Regardless, I'm certainly not going to lose you to her. Hah! That pathetic little door-mouse? I don't think so.

"You and I are perfect for each other, Edward." I scoffed, but she ignored it and continued, "We are. Think about it…two gorgeous doctors…same social class. We know the same people, we go to the same school and, most importantly, we both know exactly what we want and we go after it. I want you. What's so wrong with that? I know you want me too."

…_but can I speak…?_

I wanted to rage at her in Bella's defense, but with Tanya, that wasn't advisable; it was best to not give her too much. Tanya just _thinking_ that I was interested in Bella had made her a target. She was a big believer in the Miranda Rights, only in her version, it went, 'Anything you say and do _will_ be held against you.' Besides that, what she said made a lot of sense—I faintly heard the distinct rumble of Bella's beloved piece of shit. God, that thing was a death trap. She needed something safer. The thought reminded me of what I needed to be doing—but I wouldn't be swayed.

"We both go after what we want, huh?" She nodded. I nodded back, absently. "You're right, I usually do…I thought I was this time. I mean, I tried…but obviously not hard enough."

She smiled a predator's smile—reptilian—and licked her lips; it was farcical. Having come to a decision and feeling totally at peace with it, I returned her smile with a genuine one of my own. I started toward her and noticed the wicked gleam in her eyes.

"I knew there was no way I would lose you to her." She laughed, and then I was in front of her. She placed the flat of her hand on my chest and, just as she started to curl her fingers into the material of my shirt, I brought my own hand up and wrapped my fingers around her wrist.

"Tanya—you can't lose what was never yours to begin with. You need to leave. Now." I told her, my voice low but firm as I looked her in the eyes.

I removed her hand from me and attempted to step around her en route to the door, but she grabbed on to me; she wasn't going to make it easy. She wasn't a gracious loser—I knew this—so I shouldn't have been surprised when she snapped on me, but I guess I had been hoping for her to act like a sane person.

"I didn't drive all the way here just to turn around and drive back on the very same day! I came here to be with you; to keep you from making a big mistake. You know things aren't over between us." She had started off shouting at me, but she reined herself in and finished with a seductive whine. It didn't work. I felt nothing but anger.

"No, I already made a big mistake and it's about time that I fix it, which is why you need to leave."

"I can't just drive back tonight, Edward! I'm exhausted – too exhausted to be driving. I – I…could get into an accident."

_Seriously? _Was she threatening me? Fuck her and her sick, fucking head games; I wasn't going to be lured into playing them.

"Then get a hotel room. It's – you're really not my problem."

I jerked my arm away from her, intent on leaving the room, and started for the door again while she continued to shriek at me. I wasn't really listening. I was almost to the door, my hand already lifted but, before I could reach the knob, it flew open.

"Edward Anthony Cullen! I thought I taught you better manners than this?"

_What…THE fuck?_ My jaw hit the floor. Of all people, I had thought my mother would be on my side.

…_I guess I was wrong, I just don't belong, but then, I've been there before…_

I couldn't help reacting like a petulant child. "She shouldn't even be here! I _told _her that she wasn't invited—she can't just show up like this!"

"Well, she _is_ here, and you're going to have to deal with it," she instructed purposefully.

"Mom…!"

"Edward. Zip it." _I knew that tone. _A lifetime of conditioning may have had me obeying, but I didn't have to like it. I looked at her with confusion and noted that her pleasant, almost mischievous expression didn't match her tone. "You will be the polite and hospitable person you were raised to be while you are in this house."

"Fine," I grudgingly ceded, not understanding why she was siding with Tanya over me. She was my mother; shouldn't she be on my side?

Esme turned to Tanya with a tight smile on her face. "Please excuse my son, Tanya." She sort-of-scowled at me with…_something_, a gleam maybe, in her eyes. They were hard when she fixed her gaze back on Tanya. "Why don't we go sort this all out, while Edward composes himself?"

…_well, is it hard understanding…_

The two women swept past me and out the door, their faces directing entirely different expressions at me—my mother's was…pleasant? Underneath that, was the hint of a warning – but about what, I didn't know. My mother's demeanor left me confused, but Trampya's was as easy to read as a Dick and Jane book. She looked vindictively smug, as she gleefully smiled at me. The palm of my hand to itched, and the only things keeping me from slapping the grin off her face was my good upbringing and childhood trauma. _But still, surely just one little smack wouldn't hurt? If _anyone _ever deserved it, it was her._

… _I'm incomplete…_

Disgusted and confused, I threw myself down on one of the high-backed reading chairs and closed my eyes, fighting the ridiculous urge to cry. My mothers intervening had likely kept me from doing anything that I would regret, but I couldn't begin to fathom what she was doing with Tanya. _Was she showing her to a guest room, planning to let her stay the night? She had always harped on hospitality..._ I hoped her hospitality didn't extend quite that far.

How could she betray Bella like that? _How could I? Like mother, like son…?_ I was jumping to conclusion, but I couldn't help it. My head had a tornado of thoughts swirling around inside it, and I desperately needed to still it before I was sucked inside the vortex and transported to Oz, but the house was too filled with ghosts of us – Bella and I. I had nearly silenced the storm when one of them slammed into me, stealing all hope of respite.

…_I get so weak…_

"_H-h-h-huh…ohhhhhh…?" A shakily drawn breath and a slow, sensual exhalation that sounded like a moan. _

_My hands rested on her hips, setting the pace as she moved over me, on me, guiding me deep inside her. Although our movements were unhurried, we were panting as if we had just run a marathon. I was aware that there were other people in the house, and I knew that I should have been listening to make sure that we didn't get caught, but I just didn't care; I was more than willing to go down with this ship. A marching band could have circled us while playing _Louie, Louie_, and I wouldn't have known, cared, or stopped. My world started and ended with the siren straddling my lap. Besides, it's not as if either of my siblings spent much time in the library. _

_Her movements sped up and our lips moved fluidly together. Eyes and lips locked, she was driving us both closer to the brink…so close…so…so…ohhhhh, God! Almost-ohhhh…_

Panting, my dick inappropriately hard as a rock and throbbing from the memory, I jumped out of the chair. Sex should have been the furthest thing from my mind just then. I turned and looked at the piece of furniture accusingly…_Benedict Armchair…_but the chair wasn't to blame; it was my weak mind that betrayed me, and it could have been worse. I could have been assaulted by a memory that wasn't treasured.

I'd had sex in that room exactly two times in my life—one of them not being the most pleasant of experiences. Despite things between Bella and me being as messed up as they were, I would rather remember the tender sex that we'd had in that chair, than the other. Thinking about it again made my desperate need to find her flare up. I needed Bella. Now.

My hand reached for my phone in my front pocket, but it wasn't there. I patted myself down, thinking maybe I'd shoved it in another pocket; it wasn't in any of them. I knew I should try to find it, but I didn't have time. It felt imperative that I find Bella immediately, and I wasn't sure what was causing my urgency. I wasn't certain if I would catch hell from my mother for just leaving, but something told me she would send me on my way with her blessing and good wishes.

…_a love that's so demanding…_

I was hoping that her 'sorting things out' with Tanya while I 'collected myself' was really code for, 'I'll handle The Whore that Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, you go and get your girl.' Either way, since I couldn't call Bella and had no other way to reach her, consequences be damned, I was going to go after her. If I was wrong…well, I would cross that bridge when I got to it. No use putting the horse before the cart, counting my lashes before they were given…I shook my head, clearing it of the clichés.

…_I can't speak…_

I ran out of the library, intending to drive to Chief Swan's house and praying that he wasn't home. It wasn't until I was standing next to my locked car that I realized I didn't have my keys.

I needlessly patted myself down again, as if the keys that weren't there when I'd searched for my phone had magically appeared sometime in the interim. Mentally retracing my steps, I remembered putting them in my pocket before tossing Bella over my shoulder, and then dragging her kicking and screaming—_literally_, I thought with a wince as I cupped myself—to the meadow, which meant that… Fuck, they were in the meadow.

…_can you see…_

Not wanting to enter the house for fear of being waylaid, I ran around the house and across the back yard to the trail. Every second that I spent not looking for Bella only made me more anxious, but I couldn't say why; it was just a feeling in my gut. I ran down the trail swiftly with my mind already at my destination, and in my distracted haste failed to notice a tree root. The toe of my shoe, however, did not. In fact, it decided to stay and have a little chat. Unfortunately – the rest of me not being informed – went sprawling nearly face-first to the ground.

"Erghhhhh!" I groaned, rolling to the side and drawing my knees towards my chest, my foot separating easily from the root. _Apparently my shoe's toe was no longer chatty._ I wrapped my hand around my ankle, not even needing to see it to know it was sprained, and laid curled up in the dirt for a bit.

After who the fuck knows how long—long enough for the pain to subside some—I got up, and gingerly applied weight to my injured ankle.

…_my eyes are shining bright…_

"Ssssssss!" I hissed, the grimace accompanying it more from the inconvenience than the pain. The pain was tolerable, I'd had worse; intolerable was how much farther away from me Bella now was.

I could have turned back, but even if I wasn't so desperate to find Bella, I needed my keys and my phone. Besides, it's not as if I was eager to go hang out with Tanya, my mother, either of my siblings, nor Jasper or Rose—especially not once they discovered our unexpected house guest. Rage threatened to blind my rationality—I balled up my fist, cocked my arm and took a swing at the nearest tree. Luckily—because a broken fist wasn't going to help my future or my ability to drive a manual—I stopped myself just before I made contact.

Frustrated and needing to distract myself before my irritation boiled over, I rubbed my hands over my face, detachedly noticing how filthy they were when I pulled them away. I realized what a fucking disheveled mess I must be, and forced a chuckle past my lips. _Oh, well, _I thought, as I resumed my journey to the meadow, making my way slowly and carefully due to my limp.

After what felt like a lifetime—but was really only twice as long as normal, and yet still too long—I finally saw the green of the canopy of trees above and around me lighten in shade, signaling that I was nearly there.

…'_Cause I'm out here on the other side…_

I stepped through the trees at the edge, going directly to the patch of tromped-down grass and wildflowers. The air was heavy, weighed down with everything that had transpired earlier, and I stood on the outside looking in. Lowering myself to the ground, I drew one knee to my chest and stretched the other—the one with the sprained ankle—out in front of me. I laced my hands together over my knee and rested my chin on it as I relived the events that occurred there only hours before. _God, the things I had said to her…_

…_of a jet black hotel mirror…_

I had tried to explain myself…_everything_…_nothing_…but my meager, inadequate words were thin, sounding cheap and brittle even to my own ears; I can only imagine how they sounded to hers. Excuses—words strung together in order to justify my actions, designed to make no one feel better except me—that was all I had for her. And when my words had proven to be not enough, I resorted to the only thing I had left—the physical hold I had on her body. Stupidly, I kissed her…but even more foolishly, I let it progress from there. It was naïve of me to think that sex, the very thing that had gotten us into this mess, would do anything to solve our problem. I should have refused her, but I was too selfish, and it felt too much like she was saying goodbye.

…_and I'm so weak…_

The sex—brutal, rough, raw, and consuming—had been incredible. Bella and I hadn't made love, or fucked, or any of the other common euphemisms for sex. No, we had fought a battle, perhaps the final one, in the war we had been waging against each other – against ourselves – since the moment we met. For longer than that, really, because I had drawn the battle lines the moment I saw her with Alice at the Forks Thriftway. This battle, unlike all of the previous ones we had fought, was one in which neither of us emerged the victor. Even though I had surrendered, for some reason she had still fled in fear.

…_is it hard understanding, I'm incomplete…?_

I felt the first painful sting of tears prick my eyes, but did nothing to stop their advance; I welcomed them, encouraged even. _I had no pride left, not that I deserved to have any after the way I had demoralized her time and again._ I thought back over every fuck up I had made with her over the past five years…

…_a love that's so demanding, I get weak…_

…agreeing to our arrangement…chasing off any guy she tried to date, but fucking whoever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted…stringing her along the way I did…only giving her enough to not lose her, thereby never letting her find any kind of real happiness...

…_these bright lights have always blinded me… _

I thought about every girl I'd slept with (the ones I could remember)…

…_I see you lying next to me…_

…Victoria…Alison…Emmy…Lara…Caren...Vanessa…Katie…Madison…Laurie…Kat…Tanya…and so many others...

…_with words I thought I'd never speak…_

Every hurtful thing I'd said, every mean or snide comment I'd made …

"…_I'm not always going to be catch you when you fall…"_

"_Who are you going to fuck next, Swan? Hmmm? What about Mike, or somebody else equally as vile? Maybe you could do him and James at the same time, save yourself some time…or maybe James and Laurent? I know they like to share. Where you guys gonna do it at, the back of your truck? Or what about that hourly-rate motel off the highway? I wonder if they give a discount for repeat business?"_

"…_maybe it's better if we aren't friends, Swan?"_

"_I was fucking her before you got here and I don't need your permission to fuck her now. In fact, I think I'll go call her up and see what she's up to, see if maybe she wants to get together."_

"_She wouldn't have called you a whore if you weren't acting like one, Bella."_

My stomach clenched, and then started doing that disconcerting churning thing. Between my injured ankle and the way in which I was sitting, I didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting to my feet in time to move from where Bella and I had lain hours earlier, so I threw myself to the side and retched on the grass a few feet away. I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten, so it was mostly bile and stomach acid, and it burnt my throat. It was disgusting and awful, which I thought worked equally as well to describe me.

_...honey, if you stay, I'll be forgiven…_

It was only as I spilled the contents of my stomach on the ground that I realized telling her I loved her had come too little, too late—five years too late—and that I had next to no chance of getting her back…but I had to try.

I pulled myself together and, after wiping away my tears with a grimy hand, I crawled over to the scene of our crime on my hands and knees, and began the search for my phone and keys.

~//~

It took me at least five minutes to find them. I found my phone first…at least, _pieces_ of it. It had been so smashed that I don't think I could have possibly recovered all of it, and I quickly gave up trying. A few minutes later, I located my keys—embedded in the dirt, and hidden under moss and coarse, flattened grass. I dug them out of the ground, and I took off for the house as quickly as I could--which is to say, not nearly fast enough.

I once again skirted the edge of the yard in order to avoid the house and its occupants. With eager eyes I rounded the front of the house, longing for the visual torment the sight of Bella's truck caused, but to no avail; it wasn't there, so I hobbled straight to my car. The beeping caused when I used the remote on my keychain to unlock it was louder than I remembered, and it alerted someone in the house. I cringed when I heard the front door open, but never paused as I continued to make my escape.

It wasn't until I was inside, windows rolled down to allow the heat to dissipate, and slipping my car into gear, that I spared a glance at the house. I was shocked, not from seeing my mother standing in the open door, but by the hopeful smile on her face. _What the fuck? Mixed signals, much?_

Shaking my head, I peeled out and sped around the loop of the driveway as quickly as I could. As I passed by the porch, Esme cupped her mouth with her hands and shouted out, "If she's not at Charlie's, try the grocery store!"

Now that I was finally taking action, the urgency that I felt was magnified, and the tension turned my grateful smile into a grimace. I settled for acknowledging her advice with a sharp nod of my head.

Her sudden assistance was baffling, especially after she had sold me out in the library with Tanya, but I wasn't going to look up a gift horse's ass…or whatever. She was still smiling when I caught the last glimpse of her in my mirrors, so I assumed she knew I was appreciative of her help; either way, I would make it up to her later. Shaking my head over my mother's seemingly erratic behavior, I sped off towards the Swan place.

I made it there in record time, only passing a handful of cars on the way. To my disappointment, her truck wasn't there when I pulled up in front of the house, but the chief's cruiser was.

I sat there for a moment, picturing the vehicles I had passed en route and trying to remember if her truck had been one of them. It hadn't. There was no way I would have missed it, if it had.

It was best that I leave before the chief caught me sitting front of his house, but I didn't want to go off half-cocked and drive aimlessly around; I needed a plan. I ran through a list of places she could be—aside from the grocery store and her father's—as I sat there and, even though it was only a fraction of a second, it was just enough time for the chief to poke his head out of the front door.

Seeing me, he came out to stand on the porch, arms crossed over his chest, staring at me with a steady gaze that was neither a threat nor an invitation, but an order—one that I didn't dare disobey. I crawled slowly out of my car, dread souring in the pit of my stomach, and limped across the driveway until I was standing in front of him.

"Chief Swan," I said stiffly, with a polite nod of deference that I didn't really feel.

Still maintaining his pose, he silently contemplated me with a steady gaze that I tried to meet with confidence, but it became increasingly difficult the longer it continued until I finally began fidgeting nervously. Just when I thought I couldn't handle it any longer, he spoke.

"Edward," he said, his tone measured and careful, "what can I do for you?"

I gulped and looked away. _What _could _he do for me? _When I didn't speak, he leaned back against the house and crossed his ankles and arms, "Well? You just gonna stand there all day, or you gonna start talking?"

I swallowed again, and spit out a jumble of words, looking everywhere but at him. "I was, uh…looking for, um…that is, I was – uh…wanting to see if Bella was here?"

I regretted that it came out as a question the moment he smirked at me and asked, "I don't know, were you? You tell me."

"Yeah," I replied, my voice breaking like a pubescent boy. "Um…yes, sir. I was just looking for Bella. Wanted to see if she wanted to do something before dinner with my sister and everyone," I lied with remarkable ease.

Charlie ignored my question. "You look like shit. What the hell happened to you?"

_Your daughter kicked my ass and fucked the shit out of me, literally and figuratively_, I wanted to say, but I held my tongue. I glanced down at myself and realized that I looked even worse than I anticipated.

"Oh, um…I fell. Went for a walk at my parents' place and tripped over a tree root. I guess I just forgot how dirty I was? You know, excited to be back in town to reconnect with everyone."

"Huh," he half snorted, looking amused…on the surface, but underneath I could see the shrewd police chief forming his theories.

"Has Bella been by yet?" I asked, pressing on despite his scrutiny.

"Yeah."

"Oh. Okay." My shoulders drooped. "Do you know where she went? She wasn't at the house when I dropped my stuff off, and she didn't say anything to me about having any plans after seeing you." We both knew I was lying, but neither of us batted an eye over it.

"She had some errands to run. You should go back to your folks' place and get cleaned up while you wait for her. Don't want to piss Alice off, showing up for dinner looking like you just got your ass kicked...and then dragged through shit."

I had just been summarily dismissed.

"Yeah, you're probably right, Chief. Well, um…thanks, sir. It was, uh – nice seeing you again."

As expected, he didn't say a word, so I turned and started toward my car, only to have his voice stop me in my tracks halfway there.

"I don't know what's going on with you and my daughter, Edward, but if I find out that you are the reason she showed up here looking so Goddamn lost…well, let's just say, I know people who can make things happen, and no one would ever suspect the police chief."

I swallowed thickly. _He was joking, right? _Of course he was. He had to be. _I hoped._

"That girl is everything in this world that means anything to me, and I won't have you fucking with her…but I also know a thing or two about being stupid and young and in love." My spine stiffened, but still, I didn't turn around.

Had I been so obvious, that even Charlie—who rarely ever saw us together—knew how I felt about Bella, when I had only known for hours?

"So, as long as I feel you aren't a threat to her, I'll stay out of your way. However, I _won't _help you, and I _will_ honor Bella's wishes," he stated cryptically.

_What the fuck did that mean? _

"Uh, thanks, Chief." _I think._ "Have a good – day."

Charlie grunted in response, and I left. His eyes followed me until I was out of sight.

~//~

I drove past the Thriftway, but she wasn't there, so I ended up driving around aimlessly searching every possible place that she might have gone. As I drove, I pondered the chief's parting words, but remained in the dark.

After more than an hour driving, I ended up back at the Thriftway. I parked facing the highway, watching for Bella, and trying to decide my next move. My phone needed to be replaced—it was a long shot, but maybe she would or had tried to reach me—but I worried that if I left Forks, she would somehow slip through my grasp. I could have gone home, but with Tanya there, Bella wouldn't show up until the last possible minute for dinner. _If at all, _nagged a voice in my head that wouldn't be silenced.

I sighed. I couldn't really blame her if she didn't come back; I didn't want to be there either, but especially not without her. She had to pass by the grocery store to get to my house, so I decided to stay put until she did. Her red truck being my sole focus, I didn't notice any of the other vehicles that moved around me on the road or in the parking lot. Sweating in the unusual but stifling heat, time passed.

The departure time for Alice's dinner approached without ever seeing Bella's truck. Now, maybe she had slipped past me, or had returned to the house before I assumed my post, but not likely. Either way, I decided to opt out of attending dinner.

It wasn't like I would have been able to talk to her before, during, or after, and it would be so Goddamn uncomfortable—the glares from my siblings and friends, the possibly of Tanya intruding and creating more conflict—that I just…no. Not gonna do it…what would be the point? I would wait until I was sure they were gone and then hide in my room. Later, after they returned, I would try to get her alone. It wasn't a great plan…_okay, it was pretty shitty and childish_…but it was the best I had.

Despite Lil' Hitler running the show, things never run on time when the whole crew gets together, so I waited an hour past Alice's emailed departure time before going home, just to be safe. By the time I realized Alice's vehicle was still in the driveway, it was too late. I didn't even have time to wonder why they were still home before Alice was standing on the porch—arms held rigidly at her sides, hands clenched so tightly they resembled knots—and I had my answer.

Without looking at her, I knew her expression was murderous…and directed at me. She was like a radio tower, broadcasting her anger, and I picked up her signal loud and clear. I swallowed, took a deep breath, stepped out of my car, and strode forward to meet my doom.

We stared each other down as I slowly made my way to the front porch, every step more difficult than the last. Her stillness was eerie until you looked closer, and then you could see her entire body quivering with restrained emotion. She was exactly how I would imagine a nuclear reactor to be just before meltdown, and the closer I drew, the warier I grew. She was completely silent until I was just a few feet away, the broken silence startling me.

In a low, controlled voice, that held an almost imperceptible edge of hysteria, she asked, "What the fuck did you do, Edward?"

_Could you be more specific?_ I thought, knowing full well that uttering the words aloud would have been signing my own death warrant. I had pissed my sister off almost continually for the majority of my life, but I couldn't remember ever seeing her that angry. Walking on  
Fabergé eggshells, I stayed mute, answering her with a blank stare and quirk of my eyebrow, as if you say, _What?_

Silent, she held her arm out to me, a piece of fancy linen paper clutched in it. My head buzzed with static as I bounced between her face and the paper. She waved it at me, snapping, "Take it!"

Tentatively, my hand reached forward and my fingers reluctantly closed on the proffered item. Alice dropped her arm as soon as I held it secure, while my hand—still outstretched—hovered in the air, and I stared at the mysterious object clutched in it**.**

"Don't just hold it, Jackass…read it," she said, then spun on her heel and disappeared inside the house. "I'll be downstairs. Find me, 'cause if I have to find you…you'll regret it."

I didn't flinch when the door slammed. In fact, I didn't move until my arm started tingling and I had to lower my limb, but I still didn't look at the note; I was too afraid that I knew what it was. I wanted to cling to the happy ignorance that comes with denial for a bit longer.

When I grew tired of standing, I sat down heavily on the steps while still ignoring the elephant in my grip. Finally, I could put it off no longer. In the fading light of a summer evening, I lifted it up to where I could read it, and in Bella's loopy, elegant script, I saw one word…

_Alice_

Hit with an epiphany, and feeling like both the blind man and the deaf dog, the chief's riddling words…_and I will honor Bella's wishes…_began to make sense. I felt ill and, more than ever, I didn't want to read the words inside. Not for the first time that day, I fought back tears, and felt like a kid. I waited until I was somewhat composed before gritting my teeth and unfolding the paper.

…_this is the way you left me, I'm not pretending…_

I read it through blurring eyes, knowing that she wasn't being completely honest with Alice. That there was something she wasn't saying, I had no doubt, but I wouldn't allow myself to entertain the thought of what I was afraid she might have been hiding. The dread I had felt all day roared back to life, stronger than ever. Leaning to the side and turning my head, I pressed my forehead against the slightly cool wood of the porch rail. I concentrated on taking deep, calming breaths, trying to keep it together.

…_no hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending…_

I hunched my shoulders against the pain that blazed through my body, searing every nerve with the memory of the exact moment that Bella slipped through my hands. I hated myself for being the one who pushed her over the cliff's edge and into the water below. As bad as that felt, the worst part of it all was knowing that I wouldn't be the one who saved her from drowning.

…_this is the way that we love, like it's forever…_

Dangerously close to losing it, but not wanting to reveal just how weak I was—I didn't want nor deserve their pity—I needed to be alone. I staggered to my feet, threw open the front door and dragged my haggard, hunchbacked ass up two flights of stairs to my Bella-less tower with her note still in my hand.

…_then live the rest of our life, but not together…_

I entered my room, locked my door behind me and threw myself onto my couch. I was wallowing in self-pity and misery and, even though it was a product of my own making, I couldn't seem to stop myself.

My girly, pity-party and catatonic-like non-rest on the couch in my teenage bedroom came to an abrupt halt when my locked door slammed into the wall and Malice, the harbinger of doom and gloom and condemnation, came storming inside, ready to rake me over the coals. _Go ahead, do your worst, little sister. _I had no fight left in me; I was dead and done. Projecting, I glared up at her, pouring all of my self-disgust into it.

"How the hell did you get in here and what do you want, you evil harpy?" I snarled at her without fazing or deterring her.

"Don't take your shit out on me, brother dearest." _ She always could read me._ She started fiddling with something on my desk. "And I picked the lock. Jazz taught me, since…y'know, I'm always locking my keys in the apartment and - other places," she said proudly, beaming and puffing out her chest, temporarily forgetting the black, Bella-shaped cloud hanging over our heads. Just as quickly as it came, the tiny olive branch of levity she offered—and I refused to even cruelly smirk at—was gone. It was just the four of us again—me, Malice, Bella's ghost, and thick oppression.

Despite the saying, misery does _not_ love company. I just wanted to get her shit-fit out of the way so that I could go back to wallowing in self-pity, what-ifs, and coulda, woulda, shouldas. My eyes dropped to the floor, unable to meet the accusing, hate-filled gaze that she had leveled me with on the porch. With a gravelly, detached voice, I asked, "What do you want, Alice?"

"I'm sorry," she answered softly.

My eyes flew to her face.

"What the fuck are you sorry for, Alice?" I asked incredulously, sounding ruder than I intended and waiting to walk into whatever trap she was obviously setting for me. But when she opened her mouth to speak next…it didn't happen.

"This—you and Bella—it's my fault," she shouted.

"I thought…" She hesitated, searching for the right words. When she resumed speaking, her voice was soft and hesitant. "Well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I should have just stayed out of it, and maybe – maybe things would have worked out the way they were meant to. I'm just – I am _so_ sorry. I can't even begin to tell you how much…"

She continued to ramble on, but I wasn't listening, I was too confused by her words, and the warning bells ringing in my head. Malice had just apologized to me—for what, I wasn't entirely certain, but it couldn't be real; she didn't apologize. Ever. At least, not to me she didn't.

I glanced around my room looking for the hidden cameras, fully expecting Ashton Kutcher to burst into the room any moment. I had to be getting Punk'd, there was no other explanation for the words that had just come out of her mouth. If I wasn't being punked—which looked to be correct as Ashton still hadn't popped out of my closet—then my first instinct was correct—she _was_ trying to trap me. She was just making sure that I had a good bite before she set the hook. Still, I couldn't…_or wouldn't_…stop myself from taking the bait. I more than deserved whatever it was that she had in store for me, and it was better than feeling nothing.

Alice's voice broke through my shock and confusion. "From the moment I heard the rumors that Chief Swan's daughter was moving here, I knew you were meant to be together. Emmett told me to stay out of it, but I just didn't lis…"

"What the fuck did you just say, Alice?"

"I didn't listen…?"

"No, the other part."

"I knew you and Bella were meant to be together?"

Anger was a flash fire washing over me. "But you told me to stay away from her! Why – why the hell would you do that? I mean, you told me to stay away from anyone you tried to befriend, but you pulled out the big guns with Bella!" I shouted, implying what neither of us would say—that she had used my guilt about Alaska to keep me away from her friend.

I was standing now, towering over her with my hands fisted at my sides, but my little—in every way possible—sister stood her ground, entirely unafraid…although I wasn't certain she had a right to be. I resented her certainty that I would never hurt her, because I really wanted to.

"And _you_ never listened to me! Ever!" she shouted right back at me, her hands flexing as if she were imagining strangling me; I would have let her, too. "I didn't think you would this time either. I was certain that demanding you stay away from her would make you that much more determined to have her. Isn't that the reason you hooked up with every chick I told you to stay away from?

"I only brought up Ala…played _that _card, because I thought it might keep you out of her pants long enough to get to know her and maybe realize that there is something there, but I didn't realize just how guilty you felt for...all of that." All the anger had left her voice by the time she finished speaking, and she looked…sad…distraught...disappointed.

However, I was still furious with her. What was she thinking, playing with people's lives? All this time, Bella and I…no, that wasn't true. It wouldn't have changed a thing between us. I still would have been too afraid of hurting her…_of being hurt_...to have attempted a relationship with her. We would have likely ended up in the exact same kind of arrangement, only less formal, and my siblings would have had to bear witness to all the ways I treated her like shit

Sure, we went about it in a fucked up way, but at least it was ours alone. We weren't under scrutiny, and we never had to tolerate everyone's constant input or judgment. We were able to be _us _when we were together. If I could turn back time…_great now I am inadvertently quoting Cher from the '80's_…I would have done things differently, but I would never regret the decision to keep it between us.

I looked past Alice, at the door that she had closed behind her at some point, while I thought over what she had just admitted. The anger that had been in danger of boiling over only moments ago was placed on a back burner and reduced to a simmer, allowing my shoulders to relax and my fists to uncurl. My eyes shifted back to my sister and I swore I detected…something, but it was quickly hidden when she noticed me looking.

A long ago conversation between a boy and a girl in the woods sounded in my ears…

"_I made my sister a promise and I can't just break it." _

"_I don't want to let her down either."_

My anger was back on the main burner and rapidly coming to a boil. "Bullshit, Alice. You made her promise the same thing—to stay away from me. Why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense if you wanted us to be together, so why would you do it?"

She shot me an angry glare, and I knew I was on to something, but then…her face pinched up and she started to cry. Her chin fell to her chest and I couldn't see her face, but I finally identified what she had hidden from me before—Alice was ashamed, and it confirmed for me that everything wasn't exactly how she'd said it was.

"I'm waiting, Alice. Why?" I demanded.

"I don't know!" she cried.

My anger finally boiled over.

"Fucking bullshit! You do know. _Why_?"

Alice blanched under my withering stare for a moment, and then she got pissed off too. She wiped her tears away and shouted back at me, confessing everything.

"Fine! You want to know why? Because I was scared you would fuck it up, and I would lose my friend. Because I _knew_ you would fuck it up, but I didn't want to totally shut either of you down. And also because I was trying to protect Bella from getting hurt. I didn't want her entering into anything blindly with you…not without knowing what you were like beforehand. Your promises were just supposed to be speed bumps. I never thought it would keep you apart and miserable all this time!

"I constantly put the two of you together, hoping you would figure things out for yourselves, but you never did. It wasn't like I didn't want to tell you, but I just…I didn't know how. I tried, though—so many times—but then I would see something, or get this feeling and…I was positive something was going on with you two, but I just couldn't ever get a reading on you guys. Since I never saw anything clearly enough to be certain, I just let it go, chalking it up to paranoia or wishful thinking."

I was incensed, livid, about to go into nuclear meltdown, but Alice kept speaking.

"You were both always watching each other, but that didn't mean anything—you had always watched each other. I never saw any lingering looks or secret touches…so I couldn't prove anything. Then you started seeing Tanya and—for a while—it was like you forgot about Bella. You stopped hanging out unless you knew Bella wouldn't be around, you stopped returning phone calls…you just disappeared on us whenever you were fucking Tanya.

"I convinced myself that it was for the best, and kind of gave up on you and Bella ever being more than friends, but whenever you and Tanya would cool off, things would go right back to how they were before, with you and Bella orbiting each other."

The mention of Tanya and Bella's names in the same sentence reminded of something I had been curious about knowing since that afternoon.

"How did she find out about Tanya?" I asked, my feigned nonchalance exposed as my voice broke halfway through.

"Emmett said something about it last night when we were all in the hot tub…" Her eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute—why do you…?"

Alice looked like she was solving some kind of complicated physics equation or world hunger, and her eyes narrowed even more and she stepped towards me.

"Mom said…" She took a good hard look at my hobo-like appearance. "What were you and Bella doing out in the woods? It was more than just another one of your ridiculous arguments, wasn't it? What. The. Hell. Is going on? Is…? There's something going on between… How long, Edward?"

Turning around, I walked to my couch and sat down heavily before leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees. I sighed as I rubbed my hands over my face, then propped my head up with them as I stared down at the deep gold carpet.

Not bothering to lie, I answered, "Since high school, the day after Laurent's party."

"But you…and she…"

"We weren't together, Alice. We had – an arrangement…of sorts."

"An…arrangement? What do you mean _an_ _arrangement_?" And Malice finally decided to make an appearance.

I did _not_ want to have this conversation with her. At. All.

"An arrangement," I say irritably. "Sex, Alice! What the fuck do you think I am talking about?"

"But…you were both with other people! So, you were what…fuck-buddies?"

I sighed. "Yes. No." I grimaced. "Not really, but sort of. I mean…essentially, yes, but it wasn't really like that. We didn't just use each other to scratch an itch, there were rules."

"So you _were_ in a relationship?" she asked, still confused.

I was frustrated and annoyed and pissed off that Bella left me to clean up our mess, and I was tired of playing twenty thousand questions with Alice. I knew she was only trying to understand what went on between Bella and me so she could protect her best friend—because let's face it, Bella sometimes needed protection—and I loved Alice for that, I did, but it was complicated. It was a lousy excuse and a shitty explanation, but it was all I had, so I said that.

It didn't go over so well. She flew across the room, smacking my hands away from my face and shouting obscenities at me. I stood, rising to my full height and glaring down at her. Alice grew quiet, but she wasn't fazed by or afraid of me—she was livid. When she spoke again, her voice was low and intense—shrewd. Crowding my personal space, she spoke, punctuating her sentences with painful pokes to my chest. _That shit hurt, not gonna lie. _

"Oh, it's complicated? It's _complicated_? That's not an excuse! You're gonna have to do better than that. You were playing with her, Edward? You were just stringing her along so that you could have your cake and eat it too!" She spun on her heel and began muttering under her breath, low enough that I couldn't hear, which was okay because I wasn't listening anyway.

"What the fuck do you want me to say? I don't know what I was thinking, but I wasn't alone in it, and I didn't force Bella to do anything; it was half her idea! We never would have done it if you hadn't forced us to hide, so don't go acting all 'holier than thou'. You're partially to blame too. If you had stayed out of things in the first…" She whirled back around to face me.

"Don't you dare go there, you asshole. You think I haven't wished a million times that I had stayed out of things? Well, I have, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you've been fucking her for five years behind everyone's back while still fucking other chicks. Adding insult to injury is the fact that you've been in a relationship with Tanya for two years now without telling Bella!

"We should have told her, we're her friends after all, but none of us could bring ourselves to do it because…well, for a lot of reasons. It was partially my fault. I've never given up hope that you guys would end up together…but that's obviously never going to happen," she muttered the last part to herself, with her eyes turned away from me.

Setting them back on me and keeping them there while pacing the room, she continued. "We all knew that Bella was half in love with you, and didn't want to break her heart for no reason. I mean, it's not like we had any reason to believe you and Tanya would last. You never stayed with anyone and, even when Tanya seemed to stick around, you were so off and on that we still didn't see any reason to worry.

"We were wrong though. You guys are serious enough that not only did you invite her to come with you for _our_ weekend—and believe me, we'll discuss that bit of fuckery later—but you fucking brought her home with you earlier this summer. You've never brought anyone home to meet the parents, Edward!" I started to object, but Alice held her hand up, "Jesus, Edward, you should have seen her face last night when Emmett slipped up about Tanya in front of her…

"She was fucking crushed. She was furious on top of it which, at the time, I didn't understand, but now I get it. I just can't believe you. You make me fucking sick, and ashamed to call you my brother. Did Tanya know about Bella?"

I shook my head.

"You're a real piece of work, you know that? How could you…and then – to invite Tanya here when you knew Bella would be here? Just…what were you thinking? You are supposed to be her friend. How could you string her along for five years and then flaunt Tanya in front of her face? I felt horrible when she found out last night, but thank God it happened before she was slapped in the face by it today.

"At least she was somewhat prepared for it, and hopefully able to maintain some dignity in front of that catty bitch.

"You have always been an asshole in general, and a complete shit when it comes to girls, but you've always been a good friend…until now. You were supposed to be her friend…but you completely betrayed her. And of all people you chose Tanya? Do you know how humiliating that had to have been for Bella, considering she treats Bella like a cockroach at best?

"I don't know if I will ever forgive you for this, Edward. I don't know if I'll forgive myself, but I really hope Bella will forgive me. That is, if she is even talking to me after what you've done to her…" Alice trailed off, worry and anger and shame contorting her face in misery.

Unable to take any more of her misplaced accusations…_or her accurate and just ones_…I seized the opportunity to speak before I lost my chance.

"Tanya and I aren't together, Alice, and I never invited her here. I specifically told her that she was not invited nor welcome." I blurted out. I opened my mouth to say more, but I was at a loss. I hadn't a clue where to start. My sister continued to stare at me, waiting for me to continue.

Still struggling to find the right combination of words, my jaw flapped soundlessly. Alice abruptly quit pacing and stood across the room from me, near the door, staring at me. It was as if she was seeing me for the first time and, more than that, it felt like she was really seeing _me. _

I floundered under her scrutiny for who knows how long, and then straight outta nowhere, surprising both of us, Alice said, "What a fucking mess. How could you?"

She said the harsh words unintentionally, but gently, followed by a very intentional, "And what the hell happened to you? You look like shit, Edward…worse than that maybe!"

She laughed softly, breaking the tension. I returned it with a small chuckle of my own, but it was all bitter and half-hearted, and then, just like that, all the shit I had bottled up inside of me for five years came gushing out and I was spilling my guts to her, telling her the whole sordid affair. Everything.

I told her how it started, and how we couldn't stay away from each other even though we tried**. **I talked about the jealousy, and my refusal to let Bella form any kind of meaningful relationship. I explained why I became involved with Tanya, and the way I simultaneously tried to keep her a secret and secretly hoped Bella would find out. I wanted her to end things with me since I didn't have the strength to do it. Finally, I told her about the last time I had seen Bella, when I fucked her in that bar bathroom, and finished by telling her about what happened earlier that day when I'd arrived home.

I talked for hours, and surprisingly, Alice was mostly silent. The only time she spoke was to ask a question or if she needed clarification. When I finally finished, we were both silent—me because I had literally used all of my words up and Alice because she was lost, deep in contemplation.

I was exhausted and sprawled across my couch on my back with my forearm over my eyes, waiting for Malice decide my denouement; she would be my judge, and jury, but Emmett would be my executioner. _Because he would do more damage than her, naturally._ It was how it had always been between the three if us.

"I don't really know what to say, Edward. I need time to think and process all of this. You fucked up, and I am so incredibly angry with you—beyond that, really—but…you aren't the only one whose mistakes and poor choices helped create the situation.

"I am trying to understand and, as your sister, I want to tell you to go after her, but as her best friend, I have to tell you to respect her wishes and give her the weekend. I know you're hurt and upset, but she's even more so.

"I think that it would be best for both of you to just cool off, get a little perspective, and then see where you are."

She looked like she had more to say, but there was a knock on the door before she was able to speak again. Giving me a sad look, she crawled up from her spot on the floor and threw my door open to reveal Jasper. I sat up quickly when I saw the angry yet concerned look on his face, but one glance from Alice and he relaxed. He looked back and forth between the two of us and then said something to his girl, too low for me to understand.

"We're gonna go down and get something to eat. Mom ordered pizza. Do you want me to bring you some?" Alice turned and asked, the fact that I would not be joining my family for the evening a silent understanding between us. Still, the idea that she would offer to do _anything_ for me threw me off balance.

"Uh…no, but thanks for…y'know, everything," I said awkwardly while scratching the back of my neck and avoiding looking at either of them.

She was silent. The only acknowledgement I received that she heard me was the slightest nod of her head, and then she left. It wasn't a your welcome, but it was the closest to her receiving her grace I was going to get, and more than I deserved.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her step out of the room, pulling the door behind her. Just before the latch popped into place, it burst back open, and Alice's head poked through the opening. "Hey…love you," she said, a plain and simple declaration left over from our younger days.

"You too, Ali-Cat." The last syllable was barely on my tongue when she disappeared and the door clicked.

~//~

Sometime later, my door opened, and without even looking up I said, "Still not hungry, Al. I'm gonna try and get some sleep."

"Not Al." _Jasper. Fuck. _

I sat up and looked at the door. Jazz was poking his head through it exactly the way Alice had earlier, only his head was at least a foot higher than hers had been.

"Jazz, uh…hey, man. What's up?" I stuttered uncomfortably, unsure of what to say or how to be around him. I had fucked Bella over and, though we were all protective of Bella, Jazz was especially so. Had she had the relationship she had with Jasper with any other male, I would have been jealous.

They had a unique friendship—an almost instantaneous bond—that no one could explain. I would even go as far as saying that they were closer than Bella and I were, if only for the fact that their relationship lacked the sexual undertones and tension that causes so many problems whenever two people of the opposite sex try to be friends. I remembered getting into a huge argument with Bella the summer before we all left for college.

_We had been sitting around with a few people from school—by a few I mean half the upperclassmen from our school and a fairly large contingent from Port Angeles and the surrounding areas. I had spent the evening drinking and brooding over the playful, lighthearted banter between Jazz and Bella, and the way he kept calling her 'Bellissima'. When I cornered her in the bathroom, accusing her of trying to steal my sister's boyfriend, she slapped me hard and told me that I only thought that, because I didn't know how to be around a woman without trying to fuck her. She was right though—I ended up fucking her against the bathroom door._

_Later on, itching for a fight to distract me from the jealousy I had been feeling, I got into it with Jazz. The only thing that kept it from coming to blows was my sister interrupting us. When I told her my suspicions, she laughed them off, saying, "First of all, Jazz loves me. We are made for each other. Second, just watch them. They have a chastely sexless relationship; there's not even an inkling of desire or attraction between them. They just get each other, they're so similar." _

_So I did just that for the rest of the evening. When a drunken Bella snuck into my room and woke me up with a blowjob after everyone had passed out, I pulled her off of me before I could finish. On my knees at her feet, I apologized to her three times. She quite vocally accepted my amends, and then pulled me up to her to show me her forgiveness._

"You mind if I come in?" Jazz asked, pulling me from my thoughts of Bella. He shoved the hand that wasn't clutching the door inside my room, making it visible, and said, "I brought you some comfort, southern style. Your sister and Rose are busy doing…I don't what the fuck they are up to, but it didn't look interesting, so I bounced. Thought I'd come up here and see what you were up to."

That certainly hadn't been what I was expecting. The people that I thought I knew so well were all catching me off guard with their unexpected reactions. "Yeah…of course. Um…uh, come in, man."

He walked in and plopped down on the floor at the other end of the couch using my old leather sofa as a backrest, and I slid down to join him, mirroring his position on my end. Twisting the lid off the bottle of SoCo, he passed it over to me with a wry smirk. "Hope you don't mind sharing. No shot glasses. I would have brought some, but I had a hard enough time getting out of the den with this.

"Your sister was adamant that you not deal with this from inside a bottle, but I say—in this case—what she doesn't know won't hurt her. 'Sides, this is as much of a bonding ritual as it is commiserating. Bottoms up, bro," he encouraged, since I hadn't made any attempt to take a pull.

"Bottoms up, Jazz," I returned, lifting the bottle by its neck in a mock salute before putting it to my lips and tipping it back. I swallowed the too-sweet whiskey down and took another swig or three for good measure before passing it over to Jazz, pulling an Emmett…_or Frank the Tank, but same difference_…as I said, "It's so good when it hits your lips!"

Jazz smirked, but it was apparent that neither of us felt the slightest bit of good humor.

We continued passing the bottle back and forth in silence, until the last drops of the fifth were gone. Ordinarily that wouldn't have been enough to get me sauced, but having purged my stomach of all its contents, it was more than effective. I eagerly welcomed the numbness that the booze would provide. Especially since I knew Jazz was biding his time before he made some big, insightful announcement. I swear to God, the fucker was like Sam Elliot in The Big Lebowski, all philosophical and shit.

Truth be told though, he had some good shit to say. He was one of the few people on Earth whose advice I would actually heed…some of the time, but it was still more than most fuckers could say. It wasn't until I was about to pass out that he finally said his piece. Never being one to mince words, he said simply, "You fucked up, dude. Big time. Give her the space, and then fix it…or I'll fix you. Got it?"

I either nodded, or my head fell forward and my loosey-goosey feeling neck bounced several times, but he took it as confirmation. He made his way out my door, leaving me alone in my tower with the craziest thoughts running through my head. I was thinking things like the prince was supposed to be the one that rescued the girl, not the one that broke her. I was tormented by how much I missed the smell of Bella's hair, and the way I could see the soft, barely-there curve of her feminine stomach quiver when she came and how much I wanted to see her belly fully rounded with my baby. It was at that point that I passed out.

~//~

I woke up early the following afternoon thinking it was all just a bad dream until I opened my eyes to discover that I was in my bedroom, lying on the floor with a pounding headache trying to split my skull in twain. _I may have been slightly drunk still, considering I used the word 'twain.'_ I faintly registered that someone had covered me with a blanket, and I wondered who, but my head hurt too much to ponder it.

I hauled myself off the floor with a groan and stumbled into my bathroom, relieving myself in the dim light coming in the partially closed door. Finished, I made it back to my room and collapsed on the couch, hauling the blanket up from the floor and over my head to shield myself from the brutal sunlight coming in from the back wall. _Growing up, I had always hated this room for this very reason, and often wondered if that's why they insisted that Alice and I have rooms that overlooked the backyard – to discourage teenage drinking – but letting Emmett have the room in the basement disproved that theory. _I stayed there for the rest of the day.

I didn't really sleep, I just willed myself into some kind of self-induced catatonia. Alice poked her head inside my lair, checking on me throughout the day, but I refused to budge. It was easier to resist chasing after Bella—or stealing Alice's phone and calling her, even if only to hear her voice on her voicemail message—if I didn't move. Sometime late that afternoon, I heard murmured voices outside my slightly ajar door. I strained my ears, and heard Jazz convince my sister to leave me be until the evening – when she came in and insisted that I eat.

"Have you heard from Bella?" I asked, sitting up and peering at her eagerly. She refused to meet my gaze.

"Come eat and I'll tell you."

"Is _she _still here?"

"Nope. Mom got rid of her Friday night. I swear to fuck the girl made it next to impossible to politely get her to leave…and you know how Mom is about being a proper hostess. She came up with excuse after excuse after excuse for why she couldn't _possibly _leave—_I didn't remember my purse, I don't know the area very well, isn't there any place nicer?_ she listed, her impression of Tanya remarkably on point. It would have amused me had the very thought of her not turned my stomach.

"Mom finally had to pay to put her up at the Port Angeles Red Lion before she would agree to leave. Oh…incidentally, you owe Mom like $230.00."

"For what?"

"For Tanya's hotel room."

It wasn't my idea to put her up in a hotel, but I would happily pay it. $230.00 seemed like a bargain to be rid of her. "Okay."

"You're not gonna bitch or anything?"

"No. Did you know that when I told her she needed to leave, she threatened me? She said something about being too tired to drive and that she might wreck. I mean, who the fuck does that? What the fuck was I thinking?" I added softly to myself. Alice, having the hearing of a bat, heard it of course.

"We've already acknowledged that you weren't," she snarked while examining her nails. Looking back at me, she resumed speaking, "Look, believe it or not—and as much as it pains me to say—you're not entirely to blame. Bella took part in your arrangement too, and…well, it takes two to tango or whatever. I think you're more at fault than Bella, but that's not really important.

"You fucked up—hugely, and irredeemably in my opinion—but I want to see Bella happy, and if you're what will make her happy, then so be it. Just know that if you fuck with her again, I'll chop of your fucking nuts, brother dearest."

"Why are you doing this, Alice?"

"Mostly because I want to see Bella happy." She shrugged.

"Mostly?"

"Well, I won't mind watching you grovel a little bit—none of us will, to be honest. We kinda hope she'll make you suffer a little…or a lot." Before I could protest, she held up her hand to silence me. "Now, before you go getting all pissy, you need to remember that you made the mess, and it's up to you to clean it up. So are you coming downstairs?

"I think it'll be good for you to get out of this room. It smells like Bigfoot's dick in here."

"Em picked out the movie last night?" I asked, with a small smile because it was kind of funny; Alice hated that movie.

She nodded and started for the door, only pausing when she didn't hear me following behind her. "Come on, Assward, you need to eat. Mom refuses to feed you unless you join the land of the living. I tried to sneak something up but…where do you think I learned my super-stealthy ninja skills? Let's just say that the student has not become the master."

"Al?" She turned and looked at me, but I didn't continuing until I had her undivided attention.

"Why are you really doing all this?" I asked, my voice weak and just above a whisper.

"Because you're my brother and she is my best friend…and because I love both of you. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not mad as hell at both of you—mostly you. Bella may have withheld the truth from me, but you did that _and _treated her like shit. Neither of you have had that much happiness in life, and I want to see you both happy…I just think you'll be happier together.

"If that turns out to be something that Bella doesn't want, if she decides that she doesn't want you, then I am going to do as she wishes. Just so you know."

"It's more than I deserve."

"You're right, but no one likes Emoward." I laughed and was surprised to find that it was a real one, and it was with an unexpectedly hopeful outlook that I made my way downstairs.

~//~

It was late and I was pretty drunk when I went to bed that night. Facing my family had been awkward at first. Rose and Emmett raked me over the coals, my mother overcompensated by babying me, and my father just looked tired and confused when he returned from his shift at the something to Jazz about being Quasimodo, I crawled up the stairs to my room.

"Don't ring the tower bells too early, Eddie-modo!" Jazz mocked once he saw that I made it up the stairs okay.

I grunted unintelligibly and attempted to flip him off, but it looked like some sort of half-baked peace sign. I didn't bother to turn on the lights or take my clothes off—I stumbled over to my bed and flopped face first across it, asleep before my face even hit the pillow.

When I dreamt that night, I dreamt of Bella.

It was no wonder then that I thought it was Bella when I was awoken—a smile breaking across my face—at some God awful hour on Sunday morning by what I was certain were cries from the delirious pleasure I was causing her. For about two seconds. Until a weight, too slight to be her, landed half on me, and I realized the feminine voice I heard was not Bella reaching her release, it was my sister…_shudder_…screeching at me, mad as hell, but I wasn't sure why.

One of her fists made contact with my only accessible, and yet-to-be-opened eye. Squinting as it watered, I saw her cock her arm to strike again. My eye closed again, and I braced for the impact, but it never came; her weight abruptly disappeared.

The whole thing was so shocking that, had it not been for her continued screaming and the pain in my eye…_that's gonna leave a mark_…I would have thought it was a bad dream. I cautiously opened my swelling eye to a three ring circus of fucked that was taking place in my childhood room.

Alice—fair skin mottled red with rage—was shrieking unintelligibly at me and flailing about as Jasper attempted to restrain her. My mother and father, obviously having just crawled out of bed, arrived at the door just ahead of a very confused looking Emmett and bitchy…_although, when is she not_…and bored…_again…_Rosalie. All of them—excluding Rose who, after an initial glance at the melee, busied herself looking for split ends—were peering in the door trying to figure out why Alice was trying her level best to tear me apart.

I sat up, every bit as puzzled as my family, and scrambled defensively to the far side of bed. Lifting my hands to my face to rub the sleep out of my eyes, I connected with something stuck to my face, knocking it to the bed. I reached down to pick it up and froze when I saw the black ink—all swirly and Bella-like—cutting across the creamy paper like it had been done with a blade. A flashing neon sign would have been less effective at getting my attention. My family's performance, the room, the bed – everything – faded into the background. Only the note and I existed, suspended in time and staring each other down, each daring the other to make the first move.

Naturally…_because the paper was an inanimate object and thus not capable of self-propulsion_…I lost. Reaching forward tentatively as if it would disappear if I moved too fast, I attempted to pick it up, but couldn't seem to force my hand within four inches of it or to close my stiff fingers if I had. After struggling for an interminable amount of time, I finally held it in my hand.

Feeling it, solid and real against my fingers, I was let down by the somehow jarring realization that it was only an ordinary piece of paper. Abruptly crashing back to reality, the caterwauling of my family washed over me with the destructive force of a tsunami. The only voice I could make out in the din was Alice's, high C, above middle E declaring…

"Bella left, Edward! She fucking left! Because of you, she packed up and left the state! It's all your fucking fault! Why couldn't you just once keep it in your pants? Maybe practice a little fucking loyalty, you selfish fucking _prick_. She was my friend and you ruined it. You ruin _everything_! You are dead to me, Edward. DEAD!"

Unaware of what I was doing, my mouth opened, and I lashed out, "You're not at all to blame here, Malice? If you would have stayed out of things in the first place… What's Bella going to think when she finds out you were fucking with her life? Hmmm? You can't blame everything on me this time."

Alice blanched and, the fight going out of her, went limp in Jasper's arms while I hurriedly grabbed my shit. As I shoved it all into my bag, I saw the slack-jawed, shell-shocked expressions of everyone still gathered at the door and realized that Alice hadn't informed them of her part in all this fuckery. I would have loved to be the one to enlighten them, but my need for retribution/grudge holding would have to wait. I had to get to Seattle and stop Bella from making a huge mistake based on false – okay, not false, but certainly without all the facts.

"Where's she going, Alice? Where?"

She didn't answer. Her arms stiff at her sides, lips pursed, and Jazz's arms still wrapped around her waist, restraining her—she may have been acting docile, but she still wasn't to be trusted—she glared at me with this 'fuck off' look on her face. Torn between acting like a pussy and getting pissed, I chose the latter.

"Alice, you can play your little games, and be mad at me all you want later, right now I have to go stop your best friend and the girl that I am in love with from running away. Now, where is she going?"

For just a second, she looked confused and I thought she would give in, but her expression quickly hardened and she looked at me defiantly again with her lips resolutely locked. _Fine._ _Fuck her._ I was going to have to wing it.

Bag tossed over my shoulder, and clutching two pieces of heavyweight, cream colored paper—one distorted and ink-smeared from the salty splashes that had fallen from my lashes, and the other slightly rumpled from my head resting on it all night, but otherwise pristine—I pushed through the human cholesterol clogging my doorway. I walked down the hall, carefully because my ankle was still a bit tender, towards the stairs and – hopefully – Bella.

…_When something's gone, I wanna fight to get it back again…_

~//~

I broke every traffic law in the state, but I made it to Seattle in just over three hours. I was banging on the door of my sister and Bella's former apartment, hoping that I wasn't too late. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only 9:30. Where the hell was she? Focused as I was on trying to hear anything inside the apartment, I didn't notice that I was no longer alone until he was standing behind me, in front of apartment 4-C.

"No one's going to answer, dude. She moved out yesterday," he informed me as he unlocked his door.

I turned, fully facing him, and asked, "Do you know where to?"

"Nah, I sure don't. Didn't know I was supposed to be babysitting her?" He smirked over his shoulder at me as he opened his door. With a shrug, he said, "Later, man."

"Yeah, later. Thanks for all the fucking help," I muttered under my breath.

~//~

5 hours and $350.00 spent on a new cell phone later, I sat in my apartment, absolutely no closer to finding Bella. In fact, I was probably further away.

According to Dex, there were 97 residential moving companies in the greater Seattle area. I had called all of them, and, of the handful that were open on a Sunday, none were able to provide me with any information. There had been one company where I was certain that the punk who answered the phone knew more than he was letting on. Something about the way he said her name…_Isabella Swan? No, can't say that I recall anyone by that name on our shipping log_...

I was certain he was lying, but what could I do? It's not like I could go down there and demand that he tell me what he knew. _Yeah, 'cause that would work._ I groaned loudly and scrubbed my hands over my face. I was officially out of ideas, and knew I was getting desperate when I actually started considering doing just that. The only thing that stopped me was that I had no one to bail my ass out of jail when I was arrested for assault…or visit me in the hospital should I get my ass kicked.

Tossing and turning, unable to sleep despite being unnaturally tired, I realized that I never read Bella's note. I went to the living room, snatched her note from off the table near my front door, and opened it up. Hoping for a clue as to her location, I wasn't prepared for the words that were there.

Severely spelled out, in the black ink of a quality fountain pen, was proof that there was no fixing this, no fixing her, no saving us. We were beyond repair, and I had been the one to break us.

Surrendering to the emptiness of despair, I slid to the floor—dry-eyed, hollow, numb. I couldn't, _wouldn't_ cry over this; I didn't deserve to cry over the milk I had spilled.

Opened or closed, her graceful script hovered before my eyes, haunting and taunting me…

**E-  
Take care of my heart, I've left it with you.  
-B**

**~//~  
**

Songs Used  
(In Order of Appearance)

_Famous Last Words _by My Chemical Romance_  
I've Got Friends In Low Places _by Garth Brooks  
_Famous Last Words_ by My Chemical Romance_  
Happy Ending _by Mika  
_The Fixer_ by Pearl Jam

**Notes:  
**1. SoCo- Short for Southern Comfort

**A/N: **Thanks to the girls that I could not do this without – V, Em and Char, and to Serendipitydooda for making me do this in the first place. (Love also to my fellow LoD girls – all of them.)

_This chapter is for L, because I made her wait too long for it, and now she will never know how it ends. You were adored, and you will be missed. I am grateful to have been able to call you my friend._

This was the final chapter of Bad Habit: Book One. Chaps will be a bit shorter in Bad Habit: Book Two – New Habits.

Thanks to each and every one of you who have read, reviewed, and rec'd this fic. I can't say what it has meant to me. This is not goodbye, so I'll quit acting as if it is, it's see you later.

Check the BH thread on Twi'd for info, or follow me on twitter. (Links for both on my profile.)


	21. Bad Habit: Book Two New Habits

Chapter One

Of

**Bad Habit: Book Two – New Habits**

Has Been Posted For Those Interested


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